DARK HUMOR
As an adult I always had a dark sense of humor. This wasn’t a problem because I was a Marine Corps Artilleryman and we were all pretty twisted. The first time I got any strange looks, I had changed jobs from Artillery over to Communications. During our “Welcome back to civilization” brief after an Afghanistan deployment, the safe driving instructor told us a story of a young woman texting her boyfriend while driving. She ended up dying in the bottom of a drainage ditch. Her last text was “Where u at?”. I said maybe he answered that he was in the ditch. I thought that was funny, but apparently no one else did. I told my wife this story, still chuckling over my own cleverness, she shook her head and gave me the stink eye.
Fast forward 7 years, I’m watching Amazon’s Patriot with my wife and laughing my ass off when he pushes a coworker in front of a truck for the second time because the poor bastard was starting to recover his memory about the first time. If you haven’t seen Patriot, and your humor is dark, I can’t recommend it highly enough. Anyway, my wife turns to me and starts going off. “What’s wrong with you, how is this funny?” “Too dark!” So I asked her about the movie we watched the prior weekend, UHF. She said that one was “GIRII GIRII,” Japanese for right on the edge. I was a little surprised by this, she had never complained about my humor being too dark before. After a lot of my jokes, she would tell me that was wrong, but she would still be laughing. Somehow Patriot crossed a line.
I prefer dark humor to toilet humor. Robin Williams screaming that he is “Rainbow-Fucking-Randolph” is funnier to me than anything I’ve ever seen in a Jim Carrey movie. Or Snatch, when Cousin Avi kills Tony while trying to shoot the dog, funnier than “The price is wrong bitch”.
How did I get this way?
I blame Dr. Demento, a weekly radio show that played weird and funny songs. I used to listen to it every Sunday night on my little transistor radio under my pillow.
It started innocuously enough: Wet Dream
One of my all-time favorites: The Scotsman
Little darker: Dead Puppies
My intro to Tom Lehrer: Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
Weird Al: You Don’t Love Me Anymore
More Tom Lehrer: Masochism Tango
All of these are GIRI GIRI to my wife, funny and really close to the line, but not quite over.
My wife says this one is over the line, but it did the impossible, made a pedo clown funny: Kinko the Clown
Even now just singing it to myself puts a smile on my face.
I have learned and don’t make as many jokes in front of people as I used to. I did piss my Sister-in-Law off once: she is an awesome lady, but she got my redneck truck driving brother to walk in the https://www.walkamileinhershoes.org/challenge. We were talking about that while drinking beer and got on the topic of wife beatings. I told two of my favorite jokes:
What does a woman do when she gets home from the Woman’s Shelter?
The dishes if she’s smart.
And…
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, someone already told her twice.
She knows I love her and if someone was beating a woman I cared about, it would be a bad day for that son of a bitch, but holy shit, she was mad. She didn’t yell, but you could tell. No long term harm but my wife was flabbergasted that I would tell those jokes in public. I figure that because I don’t beat my wife and I have a very dim view of those who do, there is no reason to be offended by my telling the jokes. If I had beat my wife, and then told those jokes, I could understand the anger.
I will close with my all-time favorite example.
My wife really hates that one, but I have listened to it many hundreds of times and I still laugh every time. It starts sounding like a love song, every line adds a little more of a twist until you realize the truth.
Usually YouTube comments are a dumpster fire, but this one was perfect:
Edgar Allan shakespeare 2 years ago
I wish I could forget this song so that I can experience listening to it for the first time again.
I don’t think I’ve been offended by a joke since I was 13, and most if not all of the Glibs seem about the same, so let me know your favorite things that are not appropriate for normal people.
I’m with you man.
I think a good litmus test is whether or not someone likes Dr Strangelove. It’s not so offensive that it puts off people just from the vulgarity, but the humor is definitely black.
And yes, I laughed out loud at the bus shove scene in the Patriot, both times.
And where do I get that t-shirt? That’s awesome.
https://www.amazon.com/s?rh=n%3A7141123011%2Cp_4%3ADark+Humor+Hoodies+%26+Sarcastic+Anti+Marxist+Gifts&ref=w_bl_sl_s_ap_web_7141123011
Or, if you want some other items:
https://www.libertariancountry.com/search?type=product&q=dark+humor
I’ve never seen Strangelove.
I’ll try to find it this weekend.
The funny thing to me is that my wife and I had exactly the same reactions you’re describing watching The Patriot when he’s getting the guy to prove that he can comb his own hair. She was like, “That’s not even funny, that’s just cruel,” and I was like, “It’s funny *because* it’s sad and dark and beyond the pale.”
I loved how he kept messing with the recovery of that guy.
I might have to watch that show again.
Every time one of the dogs in “A Fish Called Wanda” gets killed by Michael Palin, I die laughing. My wife rolls her eyes at me.
The other one is the Mongo scene in Something About Mary. That made me burst into gales of laughter in the theater. No one else laughed much, if at all, in the theater.
I always like that line about “those goofy bastards”.
The mongo scene makes me laugh every time.
I work with retards.
I like most of Strangelove — until the scene where Sellers as Strangelove appears. The character is so damn obnoxious that it nearly ruins the rest of the movie.
I’ve only gotten this far and am chuckling already.
OMG. That Tom Lehrer song is a joy. Thanks for that. I’m going to listen to all the others, now. My mother is currently under the knife in Mayo and this is a great distraction.
Hope it goes well.
Thanks.
It just occurred to me that listening to dark humor songs as a distraction is itself pretty dark under the circumstances. Ha-ha.
Nah. If she’s anything like my mom, she would expect it from you.
Gallows humor.
I remember when my mom went in for gall bladder removal. I was pet watching for Mom and Dad, and as they left for the hospital, I asked Mom if she was wearing clean underwear.
I had forgotten all about Wet Dream. Haven’t heard it in years. It’s a Swiss nightmare.
Best line: “Boy could she drink. She drank like a…she drank a lot.”
It’s awesome.
“i slipped him a fin. On porpoise.”
*Narrows Gaze*
If you listen to that song your gaze would cramp up.
or… it might be a fluke and you would eel over and be kelpless.
My son keeps me up to date with the dark stuff, most of my age group don’t see the humor. Regrettably my hearing is such that I couldn’t decipher the Tom Lehrer stuff but I enjoyed the rest, even if some were re-runs
Good stuff, thanks, ron73440
Our oldest daughter is a Nurse-Practitioner who has worked exclusively in ERs for about ten years now. Talk about some dark humor. Her Laws of the ER are great.
I don’t get it.
You need to find your laughing gloves.
Kinko is the best. Really really.
I thought Homicide was the best show on television because of the dark humor, which is what makes it realistic. I’m sure that’s why it’s ratings were always low.
Man, I loved Homicide. I agree, it was probably as realistic as you’ll ever get with a cop show.
It’s a joke, from the joke box.
pull out the “joke box” make the joke, laugh. Put the joke box back.
100% agree. I was raised with Dr. Demento as well and remember all those songs.
I just watched the episode of the Patriot you referred to the other night. I was in the Delta club in ATL and I was laughing so hard the people around me were giving me dirty looks. It made it funnier to imagine what they would think if they knew what I was laughing at. Also: “you shot me in the fucking face!!”
Dark humor is terrific and oh so necessary to maintain some semblance of sanity.
There’s a sci-fi convention down in Columbus that Dr. Demento would come to as a guest frequently. Walking around the bar with a top hat, cape, and giant bear slippers on. Fun guy to drink with.
I think I have “Shaving Cream” around here somewhere. Probably in a box in the garage.
Joining my sled hockey team was an eye-opener. I’m almost 50, and for most of my life I’ve never been around many disabled people. I just started playing about 4 years ago. Put men with disabilities in a locker room setting, and it gets dark pretty quick. Funny, but dark. For example, one guy on our team was born without legs, and another player joked that his mom pinched him off when he was born. The jokes about single and double amputees flow pretty easily. A lot of them are self deprecating. For example, while we were in Tampa this year, we went to a beach. One of my teammates lost his legs to an IED in Iraq. Another teammate asked why he didn’t want to put his toes in the sand. His response was, “They already are.”
None of this is politically correct, and when people first hear this stuff they can be shocked. But I think it’s cathartic. It helps in some way.
“They already are.”
HAH!
Next time you are in Minne, remind me so I can buy that dude a beer.
Carlin talked about that kind of humor in the trenches of WWI. Guys shaking hands with corpses on their way out to the line and such.
You would like him. He’s former Army. Doesn’t have any kids so he’s gotten into the habit of swearing a lot. Talks more trash to his own team than his opponents. Loves cats, anything Marvel, and food that is so hot most people can’t eat it.
Talks more trash to his own team than his opponents.
Yeah, that’s every hockey player I know.
the 2nd casualty from that IED is when I just died laughing.
Those are awesome.
There was a comedian with cerebral palsy and he also played soccer.
He sprained his ankle and complained because the coach put him on the disabled list.
Wife didn’t think it was funny, I almost fell off the couch.
Dude, I’ve seen that guy. Might have been on Last Comic Standing. He’s funny as fuck.
My first job out of college I worked on a team with another guy who only had one arm. Both of us were complete noobs. One day we went to a company happy hour and were sitting at a table with a bunch of partners and senior managers. A very drunk woman was stumbling around the bar trying to cadge a free drink. One of the partners bought her one as a joke and then she stuck around our table. She ended up bugging us junior people the most. She sat in the lap of my one armed buddy Chad for a while. She was pretty openly suggesting it wouldn’t take much to take her home.
We finally got rid of her and then the topic at the table became whether she was just a drunk or was a hooker trying to drum up business.
One of the partners went on a big rant about how she had to be a hooker and outlined a bunch of reasons, but especially about how desperate she seemed.
At that point Chad said, “Are you saying that she was desperate because she was hitting on me? A guy with only one arm?”
The entire table went totally silent and all of us thought about how we would all be fired tomorrow once HR heard about this. Then Chad cracked a huge smile and started laughing and said “Just kidding. I think she was a hooker too.”
Almost 30 years later and Chad and I are still friends and still find time to drink a beer or two even though we no longer work together.
Q: What do you call a man who has no arms or legs but can play 10 musical instruments?
A: Stump the Band.
I too grew up on Dr. Demento. And Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Hogan’s Heroes, and the like. You know, before the country lost its sense of (dark) humor.
Even movies like Grosse Pointe Blank and Pulp Fiction were funnier because of the darkness.
Grosse Pointe Blank is amazing.
“Do you get dental?”
It is one of my favorite movies.
“it’s not going to be a boring soup! It just, that’s just the base! You put the chicken in, you gotta add other flavors. Carrots and celery are just a base of a soup!”
Mr. Newberry: I visualized you in a haze as one of those slackster, flannel-wearing, coffee-house misanthropes I’ve been seeing in “Newsweek.”
Marty: No no no, I went the other road. Six figures, doing business with leadpipe cruelty, mercenary sensibility. You know… sports, sex, no real relationships with anyone. How about you, how have the years been treating you?
I think Pulp Fiction is meh.
A friend of mine loves it. He used to always complain about Forrest Gump winning the Oscar over it. Then I shut him up when I told him he was right, Gump shouldn’t have won, Shawshank Redemption should have.
The Oscars have never been about good movies.
Remember who votes for those things.
My only complaint about Shawshank was the ending. It should have ended on with Red on the bus, with the voiceover going through that he hopes to see his friend again, the ocean was as blue as it was in his dreams, etc. ending on the words I hope.
That would have been good. I don’t remember how the short story ended.
Basically how I described. They already had the better ending, but wanted audiences to get the happy reuniting scene at the beach, which kills the whole theme about hope keeping you alive.
I must be the only person in the world who thinks Shawshank Redemption is a bore. Watched it. Thought it was meh and will never watch it again.
Now I like a good prison movie (no homo) but Tim Robbins just isn’t one of my favorite actors.
You’re not alone, but I figure the glibs have such a low opinion of my tastes that that they wouldn’t be surprised.
Me too. Guess that explains a few things.
“Fawlty Towers” and “Hogan’s Heroes” are great.
UHF was “on the edge”? Is there another movie with that title that I’m not aware of?
I think it was the flying poodles that bothered her and the janitor being a little “special”.
She did like the “supplies” joke, although she can’t tell the difference if I say it to her.
+1 stinking badger
Mushroom, mushroom.
“Supplies” was one of my favorite bits from UHF!
My wife and my best friend both come out of an EMT background, so perhaps that’s why we get along- my incredibly dark sense of humor bothers them not in the slightest. I inherited that from my father, I think- as a project with his new printing press, he ran off a few hundred posters reading, “Hire the handicapped, they’re fun to watch!”
Mr. Mike was my all time favorite. I miss him.
, “Hire the handicapped, they’re fun to watch!”
Well, I laughed
Second.
LOL
If you haven’t heard Stephen Lynch then you should rectify that. Highlights include: Lullaby (the Divorce Song), Grandfather, and Let Me Inside.
If the links in the piece go to Lynch already, I apologize.
I kind of like him, my favorite from him is Tiny Mustache.
You showed up late to our very first date
I said, “How are you?”, you said, “White power”
Call me paranoid but I’m not overjoyed when you ask me if I want to shower
I think you’re a Nazi
I was driving the girlfriend somewhere a couple of weeks after her grandfather had passed, and the Grandfather song came on. It was her first time hearing it. Thankfully, she started laughing, hence I’m still here to be able to post.
I was going to mention Stephen Lynch as well – I love “Special Ed” and “If I were Gay” too.
Not “Hermaphrodite”?
Thanks to SP for fixing all of my crappy links.
The cadence that made me laugh my ass off was My girl’sa vegetable
The one they were missing that I remember:
One of the best things about the Marines is that it was filled with dark humor.
I forgot about that one. After I left Arty, those kind of cadences were frowned upon.
Napalm, napalm, sticks like glue
Sticks to the kids and their mothers too
“I had a date with a 1 eyed girl with a glass eye. When she was having her period she would take out the eye and wink me off”
I told this story last year in comments, but this is a perfect time to repeat it:
Some years ago when I was teaching at a state university, I had a student who worked nights at the city morgue. One night, he called me at about 2am. “You gotta come down here and see this!”
“See what? It’s 2am!”
“Trust me, you gotta see this.”
So I dragged my ass out of bed and biked downtown. He greeted me at the door and led me downstairs to where the big drawers and cold temps were found. He opened one of the drawers with a big grin. There was the corpse of a woman with severe head trauma, obviously from a major fall down some stairs. She was wearing a T-shirt that said, “I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I fall down, no problem!”
I thanked him for thinking of me.
That’s a true friend.
Literally LOL in the middle of lunch at a chicken joint with strangers wondering what’s wrong with me.
John Callahan cartoons are a great way to find out if someone likes dark humor.
He’s funny!
One especially for you.
*snort*
There is a movie He won’t get far on foot on Amazon Prime about him. It is OK, not great but OK.
He got his start with a college newspaper. Do you think any college would even touch his cartoons today?
Do you think any college would even touch his cartoons today?
I’m thinking no.
LOL
A head floating down the river singing, “I ain’t got no bodyyyyyyyy”
TGIF
Ditto Charles Rodrigues.
And this classic.
It’s the people who don’t like dark humor that you gotta watch.
https://www.rd.com/culture/dark-sense-of-humor-and-intelligence/
The reason the Drunk Superman joke isn’t funny isn’t because of the content – but because I’ve heard it too often.
Did they control for whether or not the participants had seen the jokes used in the trial before?
Incidentally, the participants who least liked the humor showed the highest levels of aggression and the worst moods of the bunch.
Sounds about right.
Lol!
Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
A: Nothing.
I larfed.
Nice
In my world, “too soon” has no meaning.
So that’s why you like them young.
You would like Anthony Jeselnik
I do, in fact. SP and I watched “Thoughts and Prayers” and were in tears laughing.
I had a good laugh at your ditch joke. I was an Radio Operator in the Marines – mostly in an Infantry Battalion. Our humor could run pretty dark.
10 or 15 years ago, someone did a survey to find the funniest joke in the world. They took several hundred jokes and told them to people all over the globe. This is the one they declared to be funniest.
Two guys are hunting in the woods. One of them clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The other guy pulls out a cell phone and calls 911. “Help, my buddy had a heart attack. I think he’s dead. The operator tries to calm him down. “First thing, we need to make sure he’s really dead”. The guy says “OK”. The operator hears a loud bang. Then the guy says. “I’m sure now.”
I have heard it before and I still laughed. It probably is the winner.
I remember when a group of friends and I where watching Super Bowl XLVIII between the Broncos and Seahawks and watching Peyton Manning getting decimated by the League of Boom. Coincidentally, that was the same day when Phillip Seymour Hoffman died of an overdose. After getting a couple of drinks my friend said, “Man, Phillip Seymour Hoffman had a better day than Peyton Manning.”
We laughed our asses off but immediately said, “too soon.”
Speaking of dark humor, Anthony Jeselnik
Never heard of him, that was hilarious!
Wow. There are some gems in there. Thanks!
Damn I was too slow.
Weren’t those Mussolini’s last words?
The Coen Brothers are also masters of dark comedy. Fargo, Burn After Reading, Raising Arizona…
“I don’t know, Glenn.”
Classic “Burn after Reading”
J.K. Simmons rules the line readings.
I heard Gilbert Gottfried on a podcast not too long ago. He said during the week of 9/11, he was in New York at a roast (I think?). He told a 9/11 joke. Something like, “I have to leave early to catch a flight. I couldn’t get a direct flight, the one I got makes a stop at the Empire State Building.”
It didn’t go over too well.
Yep, that roast and the joke are on the documentary The Aristocrats!, he also tells the story on the Can We Take a Joke documentary.
I was a groomsman for a friend’s wedding and his brother, the Best man gave his speech and told a Ray Rice joke. I think only the groom and I laughed at it but it made a lot of people upset. The bride’s family while decent people are raging progressives who took the joke way too seriously.
What was the Ray Rice joke?
It went something along the lines of ,” despite his many flaws, at least you aren’t marrying Ray Rice.”
I like it.
Inappropriate for the setting, topical and true.
Perfection.
my cousin spoke at my wedding and told my in-laws all of whom except 2 I had never meet
Just how well I’d turned my life around since I was released from prison
Gilbert Gottfried was also the guy who was fired by AFLAC as the voice of the duck in their commercials for jokes he told after the Japanese tsunami :
I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I asked her, “Are there any schools in this neighborhood?” She said, “Not yet, but just wait a while.”
My girlfriend just left me, but as the Japanese say, another one will come floating by any minute.
Japan is so advanced. They don’t go to the beach, the beach comes to them.
My book was just released in Japan. It’s made quite a splash.
Japan called me and told me, “Those jokes may work in America, but over here they’re all sinking.”
I laughed but also sort of cringed.
That’s because you read them in Gottfried’s voice.
I love Gilbert. From an old HBO special of his…
“I was having lunch with Charles Manson the other day, and he says to me ‘Is it hot in here or am I just crazy?'”
“We were taking pictures outside the theater before the show when who should walk by but Adolf Hitler….and I said ‘Stop! Don’t take that picture!'” *as he puts his arm up like the ol’ German greeting*
“I got a call from my agent to be in a movie recently. I was gonna co-star with a rotting corpse, and Bonnie Franklin. The next day my agent called me again and told me to forget it – the rotting corpse had said “Bonnie Franklin? Eh, I’ll get back to you on that one.”
Gilbert Gottfried is one of those comedians whose stuff I like more and more the more of it I hear.
My favorite Gottfried line:
“I like my women how I like my coffee – hot, black and a little prune danish on the side.”
I just started watching Patriot a few days ago because somebody here mentioned it being funny, and I didn’t realize it was a comedy. Great show. Love the dark humor. I think it’s interesting that the show is also about symmetry. I noticed it first with the characters, and then suddenly realized it was in the cinematography, too.
It took me a few episodes to get the whole vibe, but it’s terrific. I’m slow-watching it because I don’t want it to be over,
And the detective chick is smokin’.
Yes, and that Belgian accent is so hot
My favorite boss ever story.
Every week we had a standing racquetball game at a gym that would hire mentally handicapped people to clean the gym. There would always be a crew of people walking around with cleaning supplies. Every so often, the crew would be replaced by a new batch of challenged workers.
During a break between games, my boss and I were watching a brand new crew getting some training from a gym employee on what they were supposed to do and my boss looks at me and says “It looks like they re-tarded” and then he and I had to run into the court so it didn’t look like we were laughing at the new cleaning crew.
Anyone who likes really dark humor would love this movie: The Aristocrats. It’s a who’s-who of comedians telling the same filthy joke. (most of them; a few refuse to do it)
There are a bunch of really funny versions of the joke in there. I’ve linked this before; Doug Stanhope’s is probably my favorite.
The plot keywords on IMDB for that are amusing.
Oh boy. I missed that. Funny stuff.
About 2000 I was working in lovely downtown Newark, NJ. A nice warm afternoon I get in my car to go home with the windows down while listening to Opie and Anthony. The are doing the “Most Offensive Song” contest playing this song. I’m sitting at a stop light laughing hysterically when I realize that several large black men are looking at me in amazement. I quickly proceed towards to the highway.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Nice!
I see what you did there….
This is more slapstick than dark, but…
Former FBI Director James “Cardinal” Comey on Wednesday vehemently denied that any “spying” went on at the FBI while he was in charge.
During an appearance on CBS This Morning, Comey was asked to comment on Attorney General William Barr’s contention that “spying did occur” during the FBI’s counterintelligence operation that targeted the Trump campaign in 2016.
“I have no idea what he’s talking about,” the former director said. “The FBI doesn’t spy, the FBI investigates,” he insisted. “We investigated a very serious allegation that Americans might be hooked up with the Russian effort to attack our democracy.”
Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much.
Later, Comey advised Republicans concerned about the FBI’s use of politically funded dirt to obtain a FISA warrant and “informants” to gather information on campaign advisers, to “breathe into a paper bag.”
“If we had confronted the same facts with a different candidate, say a Democrat candidate, where one of their advisers was talking to a foreign adversary’s representative” about interfering in an election, “they would be screaming for the FBI to investigate.”
Good one, James. Way to make American laugh again.
America*, even.
The quadriplegic baby jokes were my favorites in elementary school. There’s a good dozen or so.
What do you call a quadriplegic baby somebody left on the doorstep? – Matt
Before the quadriplegic baby jokes there were the thalidomide baby jokes.
Billy: Hello Mrs Williams. Can Timmy come play baseball with us.
Mrs Williams: You know Timmy does have any arms or legs.
Billy: But he makes a great third base.
LOL
Who’s the guy with no arms or legs in the leaf pile?
Russell
Speaking of dark and thalidomide….
I was driving to work in the ’90s and heard a a story about thalidomide being used to treat leprosy on NPR. The story talked about all the stuff they did to make sure the female lepers didn’t get pregnant while taking thalidomide.
I laughed my ass off about the story and when I got to work went on a big riff about who would be horny enough to fuck a leper. How you would think that the leprosy would be all you needed to make sure the woman wasn’t going to get knocked up.
Only after an hour of me fixating on leper fucking and laughing did I realize I was the only one in the office who thought it was something to joke about.
Q: Did you hear about the leprotic hustler?
A: His business was falling off.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.
What goes Mark, Mark, Mark?
A dog with a hare lip.
*This may be funny to me only because about 15 minutes after hearing it for the first time, a kid who was three years younger than me who had a harelip had come over and started yelling for his buddy Mark to come out and play. My group of buddies all fell to the ground laughing hysterically.
I remember those as the “man with no arms or legs” jokes.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall? Art
What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of the ocean? Sandy
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? Russell
If you’re around my age, you surely remember the Challenger jokes.
How did they know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders on the beach
Where did the Challenger crew go on vacation?
All over Florida
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts
What were Christa McAuliffe’s last words?
“Hey, what’s this button do?”
Did the Challenger astronauts shower before they left? Nah, they figured they’d just wash up on shore.
No. I said a Bud Light…
The kids knocked on Mrs O’Leary’s door. “We were wondering if Matt could come and pay baseball”
“Aww that’s sweet Jimmy, but you know He has no arms or legs”, she said.
“We know, we just need a third base”.
In the water? Bob.
On the grill? Patty
On the wall? Art.
Which is easier to unload? A truck full of bowling ball or a truck of dead babies?
The babies, you can use a pitchfork.
Do you know why babies have soft spots on their heads?
It’s so you can carry them like a six pack.
Q: What do you call a woman with no arms or legs who’s really popular with men?
A: Hedy.
. . .
I’ll see myself out.
What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen. What do you call a one legged Japanese woman? Irene. (for our Nippon glibs contingent.)
If you like dark humor, I would recommend the HBO show “Barry”, written by, produced by, and starring Bill Hader. It’s in it’s second season. Kind of bounces back and forth between dark comedy and drama/thriller, but it’s got some really funny bits in it.
That show is great. Stephen Root’s character along with the bald Croatian gangster are some of the best things to hit television in recent years.
Also, for the foreseeable future merely uttering the words “Tom Friedman debate dream” will have me in stitches.
Yeah, the bald guy (i think his name is Hank?) is my favorite character on the show. Henry Winkler’s acting coach character is also pretty hysterical
Got half-way through the first season and never finished it. A lot of great moments, but it couldn’t keep my attention.
it can get kinda slow at times. the second season is better, in my opinion
I’ll concede being a drooling idiot, but this is still the best god damned joke I’ve ever heard in my life:
“Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?”
“Because they taste funny.”
The sickest joke I ever heard was from a guy in the Marines:
What’s the worst part about having sex with a child?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit
for me it was a similar one: how do you make a toddler cry a second time? wipe the blood of your dick on his teddy bear…
(Works best when spoken) What’s the best part about fucking twenty three year olds? There’s twenty of them!
Another set of tasteless jokes I remember from grade school were the “Mommy, mommy!” jokes
Mommy, mommy, the dog’s on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows
Mommy, mommy, I don’t want to visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
The “what’s grosser than gross” jokes were a staple of my misbegotten childhood.
“What’s grosser than gross?”
“Nineteen dead babies in a garbage can.”
“What’s grosser than that?”
“A dead baby in nineteen garbage cans.”
Eh, not really. Once putrefaction sets in, the heap is worse.
What’s grosser than that? Eighteen dead babies in a garbage can with a live one at the bottom trying to eat his way out.
The maggots eating away in dead earnest
Makes you almost feel sorry for Earnest.
A man and a child are walking in the woods late at night. The child looks up at the man and says,” I’m scared.” The man replies, “You think you’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone.”
Most of this stuff is not my kind of humor, but I literally burst out a laugh at that one.
Dark humor isn’t funny and all of you people should be fired from your jobs and put in prison.
Free food, no screaming customers, more space, and more freedom? You must really love us.
If I ever get tired of working, I’ll just go to Norway and rob a bank. Their prisons are delightful!
Perfect!
Best of all, I wouldn’t have to socialize with the other inmates, because I don’t speak norwegian.
My mom would probably agree with you.
I have a poster of Saddam Hussein in my garage that I got in Iraq.
I think it’s funny, she thinks it’s disturbing, same with the Stalin hoodie.
I’m just kidding: the darker the better. Excepting a few people I know don’t mind because they’re twisted SOBs too I have to be careful joking around at work because of my sense of humor. Nothing should be off limits really.
Anyone remember John Valby?
Loved that shit!
Was he Dr. Dirty or something?
Yeah, same guy.
I have a fairly extensive John Valby mp3 collection. Been quite a while since I listened to any of it, but yeah, there were more than a few gems in there.
That’s awesome. Prolly been 30 years + for me.
Same here. Last time I heard him was the late 80’s.
Saw him play live at the “Stone Balloon” in Newark, DE.
i get people not finding it funny but being angry at a joke I find strange
where is the line between dark and just disgusting humor?
Well, dark humor is funny.
Disgusting ‘humor’ is not.
where do dead baby jokes come in?
The Planned Parenthood mailroom.
My favorite bit of dark humor was a bit my brother taught me when I was young. If you’re of a certain age, and grew up in the Philadelphia area, you almost certainly knew who Jim O’Brien was. He was a really popular weather reporter for the local ABC affiliate. He died in a skydiving accident. So, my brother would take a seed portion of a tomato, juice and all, and empty it onto a paper towel. “What’s this?”, he would ask. “Jim O’Brien”.
I remember him going splat.
Huh, he died because he helped to untangle someone else’s chute during freefall and his didn’t have time to open. It’s not ha ha funny, more ironic funny, like a free ride when you’ve already paid.
My wife’s jump instructor was trying to break the “most jumps in a day” record. On his last jump he went out without putting on his chute.
She said they had the whole thing on camera, and you could see him reach and realize…
Really? That’s…um…quite an oversight.
Well, he never did it again.
I lol’d
That’s horrifying. In jump school, a lieutenant in my stick kinda froze up after her chute opened and, despite a legion of Blackhats screaming at her to work her risers, she came down fast and slammed face-first into the side of an HMMWV ambulance. She broke her cheek, one of her orbitals, and lost a great many teeth. But hey, at least she was right next to the ambulance.
The it’s raining Jim jokes!
I don’t think I’ve been offended by a joke since I was 13, and most if not all of the Glibs seem about the same, so let me know your favorite things that are not appropriate for normal people.
SugarFree stories.
SugarFree stories.
Yeah, that’ll do it.
Those aren’t appropriate for anybody.
When i saw the glib home page for this thread i knew it would be great. I was not disappointed.
Romania has the best dark humor. Sad it cannot be translated in your primitive language…
The light of day is tough on you Romanians.
The song Hey Man Nice Shot, by Filter, was about Budd Dwyer.
Yes, I still giggle about that
I vaguely recall reading that they weren’t really trying to make any particular statement about the incident, it was just his actual reaction to seeing the video.
Not sure how they managed to get a whole song out of that but, pretty bitchin’ guitar so I ain’t complaining.
I seem to recall the family attempting to sue, or something.
Once Swiss recovers from the aneurysm this article gave him, I’m sure hell be by to squint menacingly at us
After reading so many jokes about disabled people…
I had no idea that the term “disabled person” was not okay.
The term “disabled person” would be replaced with “person with a disability”
Without even looking, it’s because “disabled person” defines that individual by their disability instead of the disability being but a single facet of their existence. Did I manage to ballpark it?
That’s why I like to think of myself as a generously endowed person rather than merely a person with an enormous schwanzstucker.
I figured by now we would be back around to ‘cripple’.
It’s the same silly reason why MLB caved and changed the disabled list to the “injured list”
I’m neither offended by nor particularly fond of dark humor, just not my thing really. But having said that:
– The Stalin hoodie is pretty damn funny.
– The article was very nicely written, I enjoyed reading it. Nice job.
Anything Robin Williams did is funnier than a Jim Carrey movie.
Death to Smoochie is a classic though.
wife got pissed off at me just the other day. our son told us his classmate talks about guns all the time. i said, “make friends with that kid.” wife immediately jumped down my throat: “is that so he doesn’t kill our son?” me: “yes” her: “you think that’s funny?” i just shut up at that point. i actually think she was expecting me to apologize.. like she hasn’t been married to me for however fucking long it’s been. 12 years now.
Well, I think it’s funny…
I’ll ask my wife “Are you new here?” when she gives me crap for being the same guy she’s known for 28 years.
i’m going to try that out next time.
“…talks about guns all of the time…”
That could mean a lot of different things.
practical advice, what’s the problem?
exactly! if you ostracize the kid, then it gets even worse.
It’s pretty funny to me lol.
But honestly, as someone who’s been interested in firearms their whole life, that whole attitude just kind of grinds my gears. Just the assumption that a young man being interested in guns, and talking about them, and he therefore must be a school shooter waiting to happen. No other interest or hobby gets that same stigma. Like if a guy talks about his interest in cars and craft beer, you don’t just assume he’s gonna be a drunk driver.
Let’s not even mention how self-defeating it probably is.
“Hey, that kid’s got an unhealthy fixation on firearms! Let’s completely ostracize him just to be safe!”
Yeah, exactly. Better make sure he has no friends and feels like an outsider, that will definitely help.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkNnMCzkclM
I should do an article sometime on practical jokes. The pack of semi-feral rural kids I grew up around were fond of practical jokes that were downright sadistic at times. (Ever noticed that if you take a length of 3/4″ dowelling, cover it with a couple of layers of wax paper, spray paint it red and stick some model rocket fuse in one end, it looks an awful lot like a stick of dynamite?)
I have to admit my tendencies toward practical joking carried over into adulthood; for example, I almost got one of my hunting partners deported once.
Good times.
I always hated practical jokes.
You were more about impractical ones?
I’m not sure if it counts as practical jokes, but I read somewhere that Rod Serling used to try out the plots for episodes from the Twilight Zone on his family without their knowledge.
If you want to go to a different level in practical jokes, be a chemist.
There was some kind of stuff Army medics used to slip in someone’s canteen that would make them piss bright blue for three or four days. Can’t remember what it was, but it was hilarious.
I used to put silver nitrate on the various chemical bottles back in my lab days… Man did it make some people go bat shit.
How about frat pledge hazing? My dad told me one his frat used (way back in the 1930s). You show the pledge a bucket with a turd floating in it. Then you blindfold him and tell him to reach in the bucket and squeeze it. (You’ve replaced the bucket with one with a banana in it.) When he does, you tell him “Now, eat it!” This supposedly shows whether or not the pledge trusts his future brothers.
I take shit about dead baby jokes all of the time. What makes me laugh usually elicits a lot of “Oh my god!”s out of others.
They dont get it. The point of some humor is to get us to laugh at things that horrify or scare us. It takes some of their power over us away.
Shit, how did I forget this one?
Because it doesn’t exist?
The irony.
Edit button privilege.
‘This one’ being how to link?
*I know, glass houses and all that
Trying for an obscure SugarFree reference?
even the corpse is pointing and smiling.
Two hundred comments in and nobody has mentioned Jimmy Carr?
“Never high-five a Rabbi.”
Nice. Thanks, dude.
More Carr. Probably best listened to with headphones.
I wrote a stupid little article, hoping you all would enjoy it, and I got tears in my eyes laughing at the comments.
Thanks everybody.
Thank you. It was bunch of fun.
This article is fantastic. Thanks Ron. I’m amazed at the number of Crayon Eaters in this merry band. So for all all of you Misguided Children, I will share my favorite military joke (apart from the USAF, that is); a joke that will start a bar fight in the right company.
A young boy is dining with his family at a restaurant in San Diego. He feels the call of nature so he excuses himself and goes to the men’s room. As he enters, he sees a Marine at the urinal – “WOW! Are you a real Marine” he exclaims with delight.
“Why, yes I am son. Would you like to wear my cover?”
“Thank you mister, that’s so cool.” he beams as he puts the cap on.
He walks a bit further and spies a Sailor – “WOW! Are you a real Sailor?” he asks.
“Why, yes I am son. Would you like to suck my dick?” the sailor leers.
The boy thinks for a moment then replies – “No thanks man. I’m not a real Marine; I’m only wearing his hat.”
I keed, I keed, please don’t come to NYC and shoot me.
Ha! You gotta copy/paste that in the afternoon links to Pope Jimbo sees it.
My former Marine BIL told me that joke, but it was sailor/cap.
That got me to laugh, never heard that one before.
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/nadler-once-called-holder-contempt-vote-shameful-now-leads-charge-against-barr
For more bad jokes.
Late links = dark humor…