As States Race to Limit Abortions, Alabama Goes Further, Seeking to Outlaw Most of Them
“It’s always got to be abortion with the fucking rednecks,” the hat said, scrolling through Donald’s Twitter feed.
“They feel that abortion is a form of murder,” the hair said calmly.
“Donald?” the hat called. “Are you done in there?”
“Oh, leave him alone,” the hair said. “You know going to Pennsylvania always binds him up.”
“We’ve got a meeting with Mr. Mustache in twenty minutes.”
“He knows.”
“Maybe instead of invading Iran, Bolton can get his rocks off by carpet bombing Alabama.”
“Since when did you get all pro-choice?” the hair asked.
“I’m not pro-choice, I’m pro-everyone shutting the fuck up. Religious idiots spouting piety over babies they don’t really give a shit about and ugly shouting dykes that no one would ever fuck in the first place fighting for a right they’ll never need. It’s tedious. And, worse, it’s boring. I’m anti-boredom.”
“But what about…” the hair started.
“It’s a distraction, nothing else!” the hat said, slapping his bill forcefully on the Resolute desk.
Donald emerged from the Presidential Shitter sweating and grimacing, in only his undershirt and boxer, shoes on, dress socks held erect by tiny calf-garters.
“No one go in there,” he said, his voice raspy.
“We weren’t planning to,” the hair said dryly.
“Why aren’t you dressed? We have a security council meeting in 18 minutes,” the hair said.
“Hadda take it off,” Donald said. “Needed the traction.”
“Traction?” the hair asked.
“What do you want to tweet about abortion?” the hat asked.
“Why?” Donald asked, narrowing his eyes. “Who’s pregnant? I never touched her.”
“The Alabama bill, Donald,” the hat said. “What is your official reaction?”
“Abortions are too expensive. We need to lower the costs,” Donald said. “I could have bought a nice car on what I spent on Ivanka alone.” He walked back into the bathroom.
“Uh, Donald, I don’t think…” the hair started.
“Bring abortion jobs back to America!” Donald said, reappearing in the door. He leaned against the jamb and tried to get his pants on.
“Donald,” the hair said gently, “Alabama has banned abortion.”
“Who said they could do that?” Donald asked suspiciously. With one leg in, he tried to balance himself to lift the other in to put on his pants. He wobbled a bit and farted and grunted and mumbled a curse.
“The Alabama legislature voted,” the hat said.
“Idiots,” Donald said. “Abortion is the backbone of our economy. We should slap a tariff on foreign abortions.”
“I, yeah, don’t, uh, think,” the hair stuttered.
“35% tariff!’ Donald said, buttoning his shirt. “Let the ABORTION WARS BEGIN!”
“Donald, lower your voice,” the hair admonished.
“Every abortion should be an American abortion!” Donald declared.
The hat groaned.
Donald tucked his shirt into his pants, straightened his tie, pulled on his suit jacket and held his arms out to the side. “How do I look?”
“Fine, Donald,” the hair said. You look fine.”
“Make Abortion Great Again!” Donald declared as he marched out of the Oval Office.
“Every abortion should be an American abortion!” Donald declared.
Huzzah!
Deport Messicans- they terk our abortions?
I have been avoiding every abortion discussion I see anywhere in social media. And yet, I read all of this.
It is an amazing power to be able to turn abortion into comedy.
It’s the best commentary I’ve read on it yet.
Most accurate too.
I’m not pro-choice, I’m pro-everyone shutting the fuck up.
Word.
Why does my state bind up the presidential bowels? Cheesesteaks?
Pot Pies
Anthracite
Scrapple
IC Lites – oh wait, the Donald doesn’t drink.
Chipped ham.
I stand my my statement from the other day. All Donald has to do is tweet about how he’s pro-choice because abortion has saved him a fortune in child support and this fight will be over.
That’s aborting for the wrong reason!
>>I’m not pro-choice, I’m pro-everyone shutting the fuck up.
I’m with the hat. ::proceeds to shut the fuck up::
I recently aborted some deep dish.
You must have an industrial toilet.
It’s a Ferguson. A Ferguson says, “I’m a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot.”
Does it have the trademark “Man’s Flush”?
*studio applause*
You’ve taken the factory tour? It’s a can’t miss.
It has a garbage disposal attachment.
And of course
http://i.imgur.com/7iGwRzA.jpg
Perfect.
It’s missing the giant pile of money.
Okay, THAT’S funny
If cartoon Donald ever stands up, this is what he’s wearing out of frame.
Really? He’s not Porky Piggin’ it?
“I’m not pro-choice, I’m pro-everyone shutting the fuck up. Religious idiot spouting piety over babies they don’t really give a shit about and ugly shouting dykes that no one would ever fuck in the first place fighting for a right they’ll never need. It’s tedious.”
I didn’t know you could fit so much bile and spleen into so few words. Bravo.
🙂
“They feel that abortion is a form of murder,”
It is the ending of a human life against that person’s will so yeah, I guess it counts as ‘a form of murder’. A form of as in….murder.
Untrue, the fetus doesn’t have a will. It’s not a sapient human being. If it did have a will it would understand its mother doesn’t want it, and would self-abort out of respect.
+1 prenatal feminist
“found hung in the womb by its own umbilical cord…”
A noose?! RACIST BABY!!
See! See! Internalized bias!
/company HR rep
Hey, that was the original ending to The Butterfly Effect! No, really.
“Let the ABORTION WARS BEGIN!”
In this corner, at 5’9″ and 165.. er, um 149 lbs. She’s the Tuscaloosa Tornado, mother of 7 and she hopes to get to 11, Chastity Smith!
In the other corner, at 5’4″ and 35 stone. With blue hair down there. It’s the thunder down under. The coat hanger banger. Chaz Lopez-Donado-Jones!
That’s wrong.
I like it.
“Off the top ropes with a Dyson Vac!”
It was quite a sucker punch!
“TURN AROUND, REF! SHE’S GOING FOR THE STAIRCASE!!!”
Chaz has a penis, doesn’t he?
How did you guess?
So how long before a dude is surgically altered to carry a baby and then aborts it?
RAAAAAAACIST!
Nobody would sanction this fight. Neither are in the same weight class….and Chaz it too fat to stand on xir own weight. //Killjoy
South Park has shown that the latter issue is no impediment.
Never Gets Old
Don’t listen to his words, WATCH HIS HANDS!!
*Begins Barking*
Wow. About the opposite of how politicians are supposed to hold their hands while speaking.
accordion
Mr. Moustache?
Mr. Mustache is dead.
“Make Abortion Great Again!”
I’m envision a “feed the poor starving Ethiopian children” angle here. Keep American jobs here and provide charity to the third world. Win/win.
We have starving people right here in America! Abortions are nutrient dense and could feed millions!
Soylent…Mauve?
I had a weird thought the other day. I’d like to see the public reaction to a bill codifying the right to abortion but strictly limiting it to one per woman, per lifetime. I have no particular reason for this – it just randomly showed up in my brain for some reason.
Random ideas are rich; that’s where most of the good stuff comes from.
There’s no particular reason to have a rule like yours, but it’s still good brain candy. The appeal is the tension between future unknowns and the responsibility being thrust onto the players: they can’t escape their situation without losing at least some latitude. Life is (was? should still be?) sort of a crap shoot, as is your idea; the gambit restored is the natural risk of the entire baby-maybe business that sex normally was; there’s a Calvinistic thrill that the wages of sex is parenthood and the attendant compromises (marriage, spouse, in-laws). The thrill of dancing in the mine-field is reborn; it would make for a good movie plot.
I’m pro-choice, but the idea that few embrace at even a hint of accountability or respect for life anymore is a damnable shame.
Make it per-person and transferable and you’ve just invented a market.
Wait, one per person means unlimited for the mother…
Only rich mothers. Poor ones will have to use GoFundMyAbortion.
ugly shouting dykes that no one would ever fuck in the first place fighting for a right they’ll never need.
“No one would ever fuck”? Rule 34.
Are you volunteering to take one for the team?
Scissoring doesn’t count.
This gives me an idea for a satire article. “The Feminist Obsession with Abortion is Violence Against their non-cishet Sisters”
PhD thesis. Evergreen State.
I’ve seen grumbling about that. “Not EVERY woman has a uterus!!!”
https://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/motorsports/international-speedway-corp-accepts-dollar2-billion-nascar-offer/ar-AABKce1?li=BBnb7Kz
In what year will NASCAR become utterly irrelevant? Nobody loves big carbs and small-blocks more than me, but, of course, that has almost nothing to do with the “sport” any more. The contrivances and stage racing have made NASCAR so unwatchable that F1 no longer seems quite so insane.
Maybe this move is good based on property values in the way that Riverside is now a mall and some houses? I’ll probably die ranting that nothing wonderful lasts, clutching my Winchester and moaning about the designated hitter.
When was NASCAR ever watchable?
When you were too stoned to care what was on the TV.
This…is accurate. Few things induce a Sunday afternoon nap better than television coverage of NASCAR and the PGA. They are soooooo fucking boring.
Excellent background noise for a lazy Sunday.
I enjoyed watching vintage Nascar highlights from the 60s/70s, back when Speed was a channel.
But that was a long, long time ago.
I confess that I still watch NASCAR at Sears Point and Watkins Glen: best of both worlds.
Yes, so long as they’re not doing the “left, left, left, left, left, left” thing it can be entertaining.
The contrivances and stage racing have made NASCAR so unwatchable that F1 no longer seems quite so insane.
Yup. They fell into the same trap that plagues most racing series, valuing “entertainment” over quality sporting. Whether it be spec/semi-spec series IndyCar, overzealous performance balancing like F1 and IMSA, or all of the above plus gimmickry like NASCAR, people have left fandom in droves.
I was never a huge Nascar fan, but I did like it growing up. They have monkeyed with the format so much over the years and that’s pissed off their fans. They went chasing the “casual” fans and not only failed at that, but drove away their traditional base as well.
^ Exactly this ^
Hard to weigh it all. Of course, I liked it better when NASCAR was dominated by my neighbors, but it’s definitely better when guys from CA, WI, KS, and even NY are in the mix. So many things happened at once that it’s hard to say which variable dominated the equation: who killed NASCAR?
Dodge’s death mattered a bit, to maybe 10% watching; Daimler-Chrysler wasn’t really a resurrection. Engines aren’t relevant any more: the bar arguments of whether the distributor should be in back or in front have long-since died; exhaust patterns of various cylinder head configurations probably are not normal 30-year-old conversations as they were in my demographic (rural, independent, and hands-on); pulling for the guy with the “same” engine as yours was a huge appeal that is certainly gone since cars became so reliable that no one has looked under their own hood since the Reagan administration. There was a day when a Pontiac block wasn’t just a badged Chevy, so there’s another sort of alliance that died.
Then came the Great Recession, and the credit-driven consumption of leather Dale Sr jackets and driving Winnebagos to Talledega just went away and forgot to come back. Half the seats are empty in the era of the standard NASCAR body.
I say every other time they race on a track they should drive the opposite direction and deer should freely roam the track.
Deer are the most boring of track obstacles
My company has come in as a sponsor on a NASCAR car, and everyone on the ground is making a complete mockery of it.
“I’ll probably die ranting that nothing wonderful lasts”
At least Brazilian waxes have become more or less standard for girls <30, so we've got that going for us right? Not sure it makes up for the DH, but whaddya gonna do?
I’m not under 30, but pitchers hitting is for the birds.
Those who prefer unbridled offense and accommodating rules are the firmest in every sport and league; I have no hope of persuading those majorities otherwise.
I prefer tension and trade-offs. Go for the green or lay up? Burn a batsman from the bench or keep the pitcher in the game? Sacrifice a pawn or delay moving a bishop into place? Shoot the moon or settle and spoil their strong suit? Those are yummy questions for me. But I’m getting outvoted at every corner, more so each year. I can’t outargue the passionate preference for loud maelstroms.
I tried to watch HOU@BOS this week and just turned it off in the second inning. It had all of the brains of the Somme: brutes just bombing away relentlessly.
Co-signed.
I cringe any time a defensive struggle is called a “bad game”.
I like having NASCAR on in the background on weekends. My favorite, honestly, is the trucks. Their races are shorter, their vehicles more unstable, and their drivers are crazier.
Plus, the announcers, especially on Fox, are often amusing, and the drone of the engines sets up a nice nap.
Truly amazing. This place is incredible.
I guess “incredible” is one word you could use.
*haunted stare*
The Horror….The Horror.
I like this hat.
Listening to that Jordan Peterson interview on the other thread. Leftists/feminists must despise this Paglia lady*.
*I’ve been ware of her, but first time listening to her being interviewed at any length.
I’m halfway through it. I’ll finish it tonight.
I have always liked Paglia. I disagreed with her politics early on, but somehow the world has shifted, and our views are essentially the same on most topics. Weird.
I’ve only seen a few pieces with Peterson. It’s fascinating how a such quiet, well-educated, well-spoken individual became such a boogeyman to the left.
He actually addresses that point indirectly in the interview. He likens academics to zebras in that when any one of them becomes identifiable from the herd, they get killed.
That was a great story.
Not in any way, like a lobster?
When I listen to hear speak, or read any of her writing, I get the impression she is part of a vanishing breed, and that’s a sad thing. Compared to her, what passes for “debate” or “thought” today sounds like the screeching of baboons.
She’s adamant on the point that most humanities academics today are horribly educated and she’s right.
I’ve made it a challenge to myself to expand my knowledge by reading resources mentioned by her, Peterson, Hicks, and others who still believe that objective history existed before 1970.
Anyone can get a credential. Education is something you do for yourself.
**aware, even.
From Naptown Bill’s comment,
Also, I wish I could hang out with Camille Paglia, but I’m also absolutely terrified she’d pause at some point, tell me I’m not very bright, and I’d run away in tears because I couldn’t prove her wrong.
You know, that isn’t something that would particularly scare me. I’m assuming that, compared to either her or Peterson, I’m not very bright. But, that’s sort of “faint damnation”. I could be wildly smarter than most people and still not be very bright compared to geniuses.
KC@STL (double-header while I nurse a sore back!)
I won’t laugh at their pitchers’ batting.
I will laugh at their manager’s ineptness at the original game.
Please do not laugh at my Excel scorecards customized for teams including MLB, SEC men and softaball, as well international play (especially Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico); I have not developed any coping mechanisms for finger-pointing or ejaculations of Nerd! other than indignation and tons of beer.
‘…indignation and tons of beer.’
My coping mechanism as an adult Royals fan for the last twenty odd years. 2013-2015 excluded. Those years were full of joy and tons of beer.
And yes, Yost is a good at giving young talent encouragement and the chance to develop into solid major leaguers but his game managment has always been for shit.
I like Yost fine; my dig, of course, was at the DH league.
I can name a few schools and a few towns from where I never met anyone I didn’t like: Vanderbilt, Amarillo, Missouri Tech, Michigan State, Portland, and Kansas City.
Awww, thanks! *blush*
Yost managed the Brewers before he was hired by KC and did an excellent job of developing the talent of that young team into a playoff contender but he was so inept at game managment that he was fired about three quarters into a winning Brewers season.
Without the Royals combination of the old school attributes of a ballclub(great speed, great defense, aggressive baserunning to both put pressure on opposing defenses to force mistakes and to compensate for a mediocre OBP. Not to mention a historically great bullpen that essentially won you the game if you had a lead after six innnings) Yost would have never achieved back to back WS appearances as a manager. Yes, Yost did a good job of giving the key members of that club a chance to try, fail, and learn before those years but without the GM Dayton Moore’s long sighted drafts and free agent signings to assemble that group Yost would be remembered for little more than being a guy who developed you g talent in a small market before they moved on to bigger and better things.
P.S. Dayton Moore has been a disaster after 2015. Congratulations on catching lightning in a bottle seven years ago. Now shape up or ship out.
Missouri Tech? Is that the school formerly known as U of Missouri-Rolla?
/B.S., 1976
MoUS&T@Rolla, yes
and I love the German barns around there
KC stomps STL in the opener behind pitching:
56Keller went 7.0IP, 2ER, 3H, 3BB, 3K, 2HB, faced 29
Could you imagine this making it on TV today?
Before clicking the link I guessed it would be that show. Definitely one of my top five favorite sitcoms of all time. And no, it would never even be pitched, much less given a pilot, picked up, or gain a wide national audience before the Twittersphere howled to the heavens over its horrible misogyny.
Same here, top five easily. Al Bundy was a great American.
I never liked that show.
Was expecting The Nanny.
I think my parents watched that. I remember the woman’s voice being rather irritating.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fran_Drescher
Like nails on a chalkboard.
Let’s not forget her role in Spinal Tap.
Possibly the high point of her career.
Love that show. Watched it as a teenager anytime a marathon was on. Also, and Idk if it still does, it used to be on early morning and I’d get a laugh or two while getting ready for work.
Available on Hulu.
I’ve been watching it again. Also laughed when somewhere around Season 3 or so the big bold “In Stereo” came up with the title.
I also can’t imagine a network losing the ad revenue by running over an over 1 minute long theme song anymore.
LOGO, of all channels, airs it regularly. I think it’s because Amanda Bearse is a lesbian and I think may have helped produce and/or direct some of the later seasons. I don’t really care why they air it, I’m just glad they do.
Best show ever.
Once again, the teamwork of the Hat and Hair is almost jarring. Instead of egging Two-Scoops on, the Hat has clearly chosen a different management path.
I love it when a character matures with the series.
Bravo!
I am not pro-life or pro-choice. I am pro-abortion. I believe all children deserve death. All government funding across the world should go towards planned parenthood. No more military, no more healthcare, just abortions. Unite all the countries in the world for this cause. Change the UN into the UA, United Abortions. All these silver spoon politicians sitting up in their ivory towers, not giving a single fuck about what happens to the common man? Without us, they are nothing. What about the real problems, huh? The human race needs to be eradicated. That’s just the simple truth.
Uh, no babies means no more titties, Q.
You may want to rethink.
no
moreNEW titties, QThis seems more appropriate.
Fine, but the old ones get saggy and boring.
Nope. I’m 100% in for boobie replenishment.
ZARDOZ, is that you?
News you can use.
https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19547837/why-coffee-makes-you-poop/
Thats’s a shitty gig.
STEVE SMITH PART OF THAT PRESSURE ACTIVITY
Although interesting, I don’t really need to know why, I just know that it does.
I don’t know why it triggers the Blessed Event every morning like clockwork, I’m just thankful that it does.
I’m anti-boredom.
Hear, hear!