She will not be giving advice.

Greetings, Glibertariat. We at Glib HQ decided to do the All Cryptid Advice Rodeo, Goat Rope … Festival? Uh, whatever you would call all 3 Guest Cryptids giving advice in one post, once again. So, without further delay, we will turn to our Senior Cascadia Correspondent, STEVE SMITH. STEVE?

DR. STEVE SMITH, FCRAP.

STEVE SMITH HONORED BE FIRST. HIM GIVE GOOD ADVICE. IT TAKE TO TODAY FOR STEVE SMITH BRAIN NOT BE AFRAID, BECAUSE SUGARFREE POST. BUT HIM HERE HELP OUT! SILLY SLATE HOOMANS NEED STEVE SMITH GIVE BETTER ADVICE.

Q: I have a pretty straightforward problem: My girlfriend only gets properly wet during sex when we talk about her having sex with other men. She talks about a lot of men from her past—stories that I assume are part fantasy, though I know she’s had a lot of partners. I didn’t take this personally at first, but it is literally every single time. After a long streak of this, I tried to say “Not this time, OK, babe?” She agreed, but then it became clear it needed to happen for her to be properly aroused. I go down on her and there is plenty of foreplay, but nothing else works. I suppose we could try lubing her up to help pave over her not being turned on enough, but that seems like it skirts the real problem. Is there any way to help her move on from her fixation on this kink? I nearly love the gal and other elements of our relationship tell me we’re attracted to each other, but I can’t spend the rest of my life listening to what other men have done to her every time we have sex.

– Storytime

A: THIS EASY. TAKE GIRLFRIEND TO STREAM. THROW IN WATER, RAPE. NO WORRY ABOUT MAKING SILLY TALK. STEVE SMITH LIKE WHEN HIM CATCH HOOMANS FISHING IN STREAMS. SAVE TIME. AND WEAR TEAR. BUT IF NO HAVE STREAM, GET TAPE. MAYBE TENNIS BALL? IT US OPEN TIME, SHOULD BE SALE OF TENNIS BALL! THAT STOP BLAHBLAHBLAH. LAST IDEA – MAYBE YOU JUST BAD AT SEX? WATCH STEVE SMITH, LEARN.

FREE CASCADIA! (AND NO READ SUGARFREE UNLESS WELL LIT AREA AND HAVE TEDDY BEAR NEAR)

 

… OK then. Thank you, um, DR. SMITH. We will next hear from our Head-on-the-Scene at the Vortex, ZARDOZ. Over to you, ZARDOZ.

 

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ WILL MAKE SURE THE CHOSEN ONES REMAIN ON THE ONE TRUE PATH….THE VORTEX PATH. ZARDOZ WILL SPEAK ADVICE THAT WILL GUIDE THE CHOSEN ONES TO THE WAY OF CLEANSING THE BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH. AND WRITE SYNDICATED ADVICE COLUMNS… GO FORTH AND READ!

Q: I am a single male in my early 50s who looks younger. A married couple approached me and expressed their desire for me to become intimate with them as a couple. They are only acquaintances. I was surprised but interested when they told me they have an open marriage and would like me to participate with the wife. They are into threesomes, swinging and swapping. I have never participated in such activities, although I admit that I am now very curious. They know I am a religious person and told me that they don’t consider it to be adultery or coveting since they are willing participants and there are no secrets or desire to break up their marriage. I told them I’d think about it and get back to them.

When I discussed it with my married brother, he was all for it. But when I talked about it with my divorced sister, at first she thought I was trying to recruit her as a participant, which I was not. Once I cleared that up, she voiced no opinion. I am a clean-cut boy-next-door type of person. I don’t flirt with women, and I’m discreet about my personal life. This could be why this couple approached me. I would appreciate your thoughts. — CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

A: MISERABLE BRUTAL – YOU ARE BIPEDAL PROOF THE PENIS IS EVIL! HAS NOT ZARDOZ INSTRUCTED ALL OF YOU ON THIS MORE THAN ONCE? NOW YOU SEEK TO DOUBLE THE PENIC ACTIVITY WITH THE FEMALE BRUTAL?! STOP SHOOTING SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE, LEST YOU BE STRUCK DOWN BY AN ANGRY ALLAH, VENGEFUL YHWH OR PLUGGED BY A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR WIELDING THE GIFT OF THE GUN. ZARDOZ CAN ONLY HOPE YOU GO TO CONFESS YOUR ERROR AND GET CLEANSED BY YOUR LOCAL RELIGIOUS AUTHORITY.

None of that!

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

…

Not really a theological prescription I had expected to hear, but it is the Cyptids’ post… Soooo. Last, but by no means least, we have our Maritime Correspondent, SEA SMITH. SEA, what do you have for us?

SEA SMITH HEAR ORANJ MAN WANT BUY GREENLAND? SEA SMITH HANG OUT THERE!

 

SEA SMITH IS MOST POLITE CRYPTID! HE ALWAYS SAY PLEASE, THANK YOU WHEN RAPE SHIP AND CREW! HE READ ADVICE AND THINK, HE DO BETTER THAN SILLY LAND HOOMAN, MS. MANNERS! COME SEE SEA SMITH MANNERS ADVICE. IT BEST!

Q: When one person is already in a narrow hallway, and another person comes down the stairs and tries to enter the hallway and pass by the person already in the hallway, what should happen?

A: THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN WHEN SEA SMITH BOARD SHIP! CREW RUN SCREAM AND TRY GO THROUGH HATCH AND HIDE BELOW. THEM RUN INTO OTHER CREW HOOMAN IN HALL. WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN? THEM GET ALL TANGLE UP, FALL DOWN AND MAKE EASY FOR SEA SMITH CATCH ALL THEM. BY CATCH, MEAN RAPE.

THIS EASY! TRY NEXT.

Q: Could you please tell me proper etiquette for a wedding reception that has now been changed to a “pre-elopement party”? Does this call for the same gift as a wedding?

A: SEA SMITH USUALLY BRING SAME GIFT ALL PARTIES. GIFT OF RAPE. BUT IF PRE-ELOPMENT PARTY, BRING TWO GIFT. FISH, AND RAPE. THEM NEED MORE GIFT, SINCE THEM RUN AWAY. MOST HOOMANS RUN AWAY SEA SMITH….IT NOT MATTER WEDDING OR ELOPE!

ONE MORE!

Q: If someone is riding in the back seat of a car with friends, and the driver drops off the other friends first, should the remaining one in the back seat move up to the front seat?

A: SEA SMITH NO RIDE IN CAR. BUT WHEN HE GET IN BOAT, ALL OTHER GIVE SEAT SEA SMITH, WHEN THEM JUMP OVERBOARD. SO SEA SMITH ADVISE, GO WHERE WANT. DRIVER OBJECT, RAPE THEM, TAKE CAR.

 

COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

 

Uhhh… yeah. That…that will wrap up this installment of the Great Cryptid Advice Roundup.