…AT THE POOR ADVICE THAT FILLS THE INTERWEBZ.

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ IS CONCERNED THAT THE SERIES OF TUBES IS CLOGGED WITH POOR ADVICE. THE CHOSEN ONES MUST NOT BE LED ASTRAY! THEREFOR, ZARDOZ SHALL INSTRUCT – AND SHOW THE ADVICE GIVING BRUTALS WHO IS THE SUPERIOR FORM OF INTELLIGENCE. HINT: IT IS NOT THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVERS. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

Q:  Last Saturday was my wedding and it was everything I could have wished for, until the reception. One of my co-workers, “Kim,” started saying I was pregnant because I wasn’t drinking. I kept telling Kim I just don’t drink, something everyone knows. She even teases me about it every week when everyone at the office goes to happy hour at a local pub. I asked her to stop, but she didn’t. By the end of the night, I had guests coming up to congratulate me and my confused husband on our upcoming baby. They were asking when the due date was and what the gender was, and telling me that they had thought I looked pregnant but hadn’t wanted to say anything. Over the course of the night, this rumor had transformed into common knowledge that I was pregnant, no matter how much I tried to deflect it away. My immediate family wanted to know why they were finding out from strangers that I was pregnant.

I feel like my wedding became all about my pregnancy. It turned what was supposed to be a happy memory into something I just feel angry and frustrated about, like something was taken from me. I know I’m being ridiculous, but I’m so upset about this. I do realize it isn’t the end of the world, but it was my own personal information to share when, and how, I wanted to. I didn’t want my wedding to be about my pregnancy. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with Kim when I get back. For the past six years, I’ve worked for a small office of seven people, and now everyone at work thinks I’m pregnant. I am so mad at Kim I don’t know how I can work with her. Do I have to just suck it up and act like everything is fine? Can I tell my co-workers I’m not doing anything outside of work if Kim comes? Am I overreacting? My husband says I’m not, but I’m fairly sure he’s supposed to say that.

A: WELL WELL WELL, IF ONLY ZARDOZ HAD WARNED YOU THE PENIS WAS EVIL, BECAUSE IT SHOOTS SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE…OH, WAIT…ZARDOZ HAS. REPEATEDLY! BUT IN SPITE OF YOUR GRIEVOUS ERROR, ZARDOZ WILL INSTRUCT. FIRST – YOU MUST BEGIN COUNTER-RUMOR OPERATIONS AGAINST THIS “KIM”. BEGIN BY WHISPERING THAT SHE CAUGHT A LOATHSOME PENIC-SPREAD DISEASE RIGHT AFTER THE RECEPTION. WHILE SHE IS DISTRACTED BY FENDING OFF THE RUMOR OF HER INFECTION, SABOTAGE HER PROJECTS AND WORK. SOON SHE WILL BE TERMINATED BY YOUR BOSS. THEN HER ONLY CHOICE WILL BE A LIFE OF SERVITUDE TO THE VORTEX.

WHICH ONE OF YOU LIKES TO GOSSIP?

 

YOU SHALL SUFFER WITH YOUR DECISION TO BE SHOT FULL OF SEEDS.

MORNING SICKNESS ANYONE?

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

Q: My cousin recently married a lovely girl, someone he’d been dating for a couple of years. Our whole family loves her, and she’s always been very sweet to us.

She’s very intelligent and kind, but the issue is her wardrobe. She’s pretty but refuses to wear nice clothes. Instead she wears baggy, boring clothes. Our family is fashion-conscious, and I know my cousin has suggested to her several times that she buy new clothing — to no avail. He thinks she’s self-conscious about her body.

Her birthday is coming up, and my sister and I would like to take her shopping as a birthday gift to buy her some nicer clothes. My cousin thinks she might not appreciate it, but he agrees that she needs new clothes. He also suggested buying her a gift card to somewhere, although that wouldn’t solve the problem of which clothes she buys with it. Do you think that taking her clothes shopping for her birthday would be appropriate? — FASHIONISTA IN CONNECTICUT

A: ZARDOZ COGITATES THAT THIS ALL HINGES ON YOUR DEFINITION OF “NICE” CLOTHES. HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX WEAR?

LOOK UPON YE FASHION AND DESPAIR.

NOT THAT OLD CLASSICS CANNOT SERVE ONE WELL;

TAILS OPTIONAL.

BUT EITHER WAY, YOUR FAMILY ARE A NOSY AND PUSHY LOT – YOU SHALL BE TARGETED BY THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS. SORRY, BRUTAL, THAT IS JUST THE WAY OF THE WORLD.

“DEAR ABBY” THIS BULLET!

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

SPECIAL BONUS ADVICE!

Q: I have noticed a trend in casual customer service workers’ way of speaking. As I’m checking out at the grocery store, the bank or the pizza restaurant, many workers ask, “What are you doing the rest of today?” or “What are you up to today?”

While I’m all for friendly chat, I find this question odd, invasive and a bit rude. I hardly believe that they care about my daily, tedious comings and goings, so really the question is insincere. What is the most kind, polite way to respond?

A: ZARDOZ RECOMMENDS ONE OF TWO ANSWERS – “CLEANSING THE FILTH OF BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH AS IT ONCE WAS” OR “TAKING YOU INTO GRAIN SLAVERY IN THE SERVICE OF THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX, THANKS FOR ASKING!”

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

Q: I know that the fork goes on the left of the plate and the knife on the right. But what if there is no knife? May I put the fork on the right, since I will presumably be using it with my right hand?

A: ZARDOZ SAYS…LOOK TO THE VORTEX FOR AN EXAMPLE.

FORKS WERE BANNED IN 2319.

IT APPEARS THAT YOU GET A SPOON, A PLATE AND A GLASS. TURN IN YOUR FORKS TO THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS.

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.