The events of this story take place within the Tarnished Sterling universe shortly after the events of Shadowrealm, but no deep understanding of that setting should be required to understand it.
* * *
Carol Hardtop tried to hide behind her notebook. The fact that no one was paying her any attention made this easier. Her embarrassment stemmed from her hair. After having been told not to dye her hair, she’d gone ahead and tried to do so. The result had been horrible streaks of light and dark that looked just dreadful to Carol. The punishment was having to live with it, at least for a few days. So, she curled up in the corner of the armchair, hiding behind her notebook. It was an old chair, a bit threadbare, but it held great sentimental value. Her earliest memories were of sitting with her father in that chair, learning how to read. So even when they got a new living room set, she’d protested the idea of throwing the old chair out. Now it sat in the sun room, staring out the massive windows at the twisted old tree that had given her nightmares when she was younger. Though no one could actually see her, Carol still hid, and scribbled in her notebook. Mostly, she wrote love stories, trying to give people the happily ever after they deserved.
The crunch of tires on their gravel driveway perked up her ears, but she did not move. From the repeated attempted to get the driver’s side door to stay shut, she knew it was only her brother. In her unassailable opinion, the rolling scrap heap David called a car should have been junked years ago. Hearing him swear and kick the car door gave Carol a start. David loved that rustbucket. She couldn’t fathom why, but he did, and heaping abuse on the jalopy was not something he normally did. So, despite her unfortunate appearance, Carol peered over her notebook as he opened the sun room door. David had headed out in as best an approximation of well dressed as he could manage, putting on an actual button-down shirt and tie. He’d even gone so far as to make sure his hair was neat. That was no longer the case. Something sticky and amber-hued had been dumped on his head and shoulders, streaking his face and adhering his once-white shirt to his lanky frame.
The foul scowl on David’s face summed it up.
“Your date went badly?” Carol asked.
“It wasn’t a date,” David snapped. “It was a prank. She lured me out there to humiliate me – on camera. The video is probably all over the internet by now.” He stomped off inside, and Carol was not surprised to hear the shower start up shortly thereafter. Before she could bury her face back in her notebook, another set of tires crunched on the driveway. A car door closed. A few moments later, the door to David’s car closed. Shortly after that, the tall form of their father appeared in the still-open sun room door. He had the haggard look of someone who’d been driving far too long. He had one suitcase in his left hand, and several more still waiting in the car. Carol beamed at the sight of him.
“Hey little one,” he said, exhaustion telling in his voice. “What happened to you hair?”
Turning beet red, Carol ducked behind her notebook again.
“Let me guess, your mother said you couldn’t dye your hair, and you went ahead and tried to do so anyway?”
Carol mumbled something by way of confession.
“Ah, well, I brought you something anyway.”
Cautiously, she peered over her notebook where Floyd was fishing something out of his jacket. Despite the wrapping of tissue paper, Carol could guess it was a pen from the size and shape of it. She had started collecting pens even before her father’s job had required him to travel. Now he made a habit of bringing them back from wherever he’d been. Most were highly decorative, and not very good as writing implements. Carol accepted this one and gingerly unrolled the tube of tissue paper around it. The nub had poked through and gotten tangled up in the wrapping, resulting in it almost tumbling to the floor when it should have just easily unrolled. It was a fountain pen with a wooden body. A few scraps of paint remained trapped in the depths of the carving, but for the most part it was worn walnut. The shapes carved into the hard wood looked like they’d been designed by someone with no real knowledge of American Indians, and contained motifs from across the continent. Mostly ravens and coyotes from the looks of it, in multiple artistic styles.
“It’s a genuine antique,” Floyd Hardtop said. “Nineteenth century, hand-carved fountain pen.”
Carol gave her father a warm smile. He meant well, even if it was an ugly pen. “Thanks, daddy,” she said.
“Why did your brother leave his car door open?”
“You know how it doesn’t like to latch,” Carol said, trying not to get drawn into the particulars of David’s ill-fated ‘date’.
“All right, you be good, and I’ll talk to your mother about taking you to get your hair… evened out.”
“Thanks.”
* * *
Carol finished combing out her now-mahogany locks. She had wanted lighter, but it was easier to cover up her earlier mistakes with a dark shade. It wasn’t the perfect look to her eyes, but no one would point and laugh. Had she been forced to go back to school with the streaky mess… Carol shuddered at the thought. She could live with mahogany. Setting down the comb on her vanity, she sat down in the rockerless rocking chair by the gable window. The house was old, and her bedroom small, but, save for the old tree, it had a superb view of the New Port Arthur skyline. She could see the glittering lights of the downtown highrises, the blinking beacon atop Mount Kline, and the dull glow of street level. A ridge blocked the view of street level proper, but that didn’t spoil the view. Her window also looked out at the roof of the sun room. She had fond memories of sitting out on that roof and watching the skies. Though the city lights made it hard to see the stars most of the time, there had been that one blackout when the sky was allowed to be brilliant.
She picked up the pen her father had brought back and turned it over in her hands. On one hand, great care had gone into its craftsmanship, with a beautiful piece of wood as the key element. On the other, the end result was still ugly as sin. She couldn’t figure out how to get it open and get at the ink reservoir. Idly, she ran the tip across the top of the current sheet in her notebook. A line of red ink followed. It flowed smoothly and evenly, drawing out every mark and doodle she set it to. Impressed with the doodling, Carol wrote out, “It was a dark and stormy night.” It was the smoothest writing fountain pen she’d run across. Too bad the ink in it was blood red. Failing again to find a means of getting at the internal inkwell, she set the pen down and dropped her notebook atop it.
The hallway connecting the rooms on the second floor wrapped around the stairwell. Her parents room was by the top of the stairs, at the official front of the house, though most of the time they used the sun room to come and go. The front door looked out upon the sad, abandoned house across the way. David’s room was next to Carol’s, being the very last door anyone would reach on the hall. The bathroom sat between Carol’s closet and her parents’. As she paid the bathroom a visit, she heard the unmistakable crash of thunder, followed by the strumming of heavy downpour on the roof. Finishing up, Carol headed back towards her room. Through David’s open door, she saw him, backlit by the rain-diffused light of the city, staring at the floor. The lights were off, and the flicker of lightning showed an expression so miserable that Carol’s instinct to tease him over the date died.
“So what happened with Kassidy?”
David’s gaze flicked up. Seeing nothing but sympathy in Carol’s eyes, he decided to talk.
“She never actually broke up with Cameron. She said all those things just to get me to believe she might actually be willing to go on a date with me. When I showed up, Cameron dumped a bucket of syrup one me while she filmed it.” David snorted. “She was laughing so hard she might not have managed to keep her phone pointed in the right direction.”
“What a bitch,” Carol muttered.
“I’ll get over it,” David said, his voice lacking conviction.
“Sitting around in the dark won’t help.”
“Maybe I want to,” David said, but Carol had already reached over and flicked on the light. David’s room was a mirror image of Carol’s, with a similar gable window looking out over the sun room roof, and a closet towards the front of the house. He had hero posters decorating the walls, depicting mostly girls, with the only guys intruding on group portraits. A few were unofficial pin-up variants, mostly hidden where they would not be frequently spotted by their parents. The posters showed a distinct preference for blondes and redheads. Carol’s gaze passed over the familiar enough decor and halted when she saw her brother clearly.
The redness about his eyes showed where he’d been driven to tears, though he’d evidently already cried them all. The weight of his melancholy was such that he didn’t even bother to chastise Carol for touching his lights. He just sat there, staring at the floor, miserable. Carol nibbled her lip, biting back the commentary on Kassidy that came to mind. It was supposed to have been his first real date with anybody. She decided she had no words for David and slinked away to her room. The rockerless rocking chair sat rather low, but with a pillow on a step stool, it was a perfectly serviceable lounger. Rain strummed against the window panes in an aggressive, if musical, patter. Scooping up the notebook and pen, she tried to put David’s love life from her thoughts, but the sight of him sitting there in the dark would not leave her mind. The only way she could think of to deal with it was to compose a happier resolution.
Poking the corner of her mouth with the back end of the pen, Carol contemplated the matter. Kassidy was a blonde, so a proper happily ever after would involve a redhead. And if she were secretly a hero, all the better. Red ink on white paper suggested what her colors might be.
* * *
The rain subsided by morning, leaving everything damp, with a fresh scent upon the air. A big diesel engine was not a common noise on their street, and the white panel van that stopped across from the Hardtop residence looked decidedly like a moving van. By the time Carol had rubbed the sleep from her eyes and gone through her morning routine, the truck was parked, the rear door rolled up and the ramp fixed in place. Someone was actually moving into the old, abandoned house across the way. She had a sense of deja vu, though no one had ever lived in that house for as long as Carol could remember. David stared out the front door at the aberrant moving truck.
“Who on Earth?” He left the question unfinished, as at that moment, the person in question appeared. She had loaded a stack of boxes on a hand truck and was rolling it down the ramp. She had a fit, athletic build, and an open, honest face. Her tight jeans and t-shirt accented her curves, while the heavy work boots contrasted sharply. Her complexion was almost cream, tending towards peach at its reddest. Bright green eyes looked out from above the faintest dusting of pale freckles. Her shock of bright red hair was tied back with an emerald ribbon, flaring out in a large poof of hair behind her head. Having gotten the two-wheeled hand cart off the ramp, she pulled it up the driveway and started up the stairs. A look of consternation creased her features as the wheels snagged on the lip of the second stair. One wheel rolled free, while the other remained snagged, twisting the cart about the handle. She blurted out a noise of annoyance as the stack of boxes tumbled from the truck and down the porch steps. Suddenly relieved of her burden, she stumbled back and fell on her rump. David rushed out the door and across the street.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, just… annoyed.” Her voice was gentle, soothing.
Picking up a split box, David found it heavier than expected. Through the damaged cardboard, he saw a stack of parquet floor panels. The sight raised an eyebrow.
“Flooring?”
“Well, the floorboards in some of the back rooms are not so great, so I’m going to have to pull them out. The plywood was put on the truck too early and I need to get it emptied a bit to get at it.” She stood up and dusted off the seat of her pants.
“You’re going to refurbish this house?”
“Well, I did buy it. It’s my first place of my own.” She smiled a warm, proud grin.
“Anyone going to help you?”
“I can’t afford to hire contractors, if that’s what you mean. But nobody’s volunteered so far.”
Carol had wandered across the street at this point, still nagged by the sense of deja vu. The newcomer looked too young to have a place of her own, let alone be interested in refurbishing a run-down old house all by her lonesome. But the smile she gave David had him almost to the point of blushing.
“I’m not all that handy,” David said, almost embarrassed, “But… I’d be willing to lend a hand when I don’t have work.”
“Oh, what do you do?” the newcomer asked.
David glanced away and sheepishly confessed, “I bus tables at a Pancake House.”
“I bet you get sick of the smell of pancakes then.”
“A little.”
“Well, since you’ve already picked up one of my boxes, why don’t you put it in the corner of the front room?”
“All right,” David said.
“My name’s Erin, by the way.”
A spark of realization struck Carol and she rushed back inside her house.
* * *
Travis grumbled at the sound of his phone. Turning off the shower, he dried off his hand before answering the phone. From the ringtone, he already knew what was coming next.
“Voiceprint Identify,” Shiva said.
“Identify Shadowdemon,” Travis said.
“Confirmed.” Shiva was the artificial intelligence running the Community Fund’s headquarters, and any phone call from one of his numbers was bound to be official business. “Category three security alert. On-call member needed to investigate.”
“All right, Shiva. It will be a few minutes. Category Three is ‘no imminent danger’, right?”
“Correct.”
“I’ll call you back when I get dressed.” Travis turned the shower back on long enough to rinse off, then dried off. Instead of donning civilian garb, he acquired Fund-issue undergarments and pulled on his charcoal and gray hero suit. The way the suit hugged the skin was awkward enough without the inopportune problems regular undergarments presented. Travis didn’t like the fit, even though he had the lean, muscular build best suited to it. Donning an oversized domino mask, he carried the rest of his kit to the base command center. A curved room running along part of the perimeter of an underground dome, the command center was dominated by three massive display screens and a holograph table. Setting his gear on the holograph table, Travis found a seat and dialed Shiva.
“All right, Shiva, what’s going on?”
“As the on-call member-”
“I know, I meant ‘what is the alert’?”
“An internal data integrity audit uncovered an inconsistency.”
“That sounds like an issue for IT.”
“The alert originated there.”
“All right, give me details.”
“The short version is, there is a record in our database that was not there yesterday. There is no transaction for it to have been added, and all of its history backdated to imitate a valid record several years old. Comparison against previous days’ backups has shown that the record does not exist in those iterations of the database.”
“Someone broke in and added… what? What type of record are we talking about?”
“A member.”
“What?”
“They have added a complete record for a Community Fund member including details going back as far as their initial application to be a sidekick. The Fund Board authorized decryption of the record and release to the on-call member for investigation.”
“So…”
“The technical teams will continue to search for how the intruder was able to go undetected and insert additional information into our database. You have been tasked with running down the information in the record, and see if it points to an actual source.”
“It could be a trap of some sort.”
“That possibility does exist.”
“All right, lets see the phony record.”
The middle display lit up. Travis’ eye was drawn to the portrait. It showed a girl with bright red hair and a red and white mask running from hairline to upper lip. The codename was listed as ‘Skyline’; the real name, ‘Erin O’Shea’; the birthdate was eighteen years ago yesterday; and the address was a street Travis had never heard of in Wellerby, a suburb just north of the city.
“Skyline?”
“Is that a query?” Shiva asked.
“Well, on one hand the record’s fabricated. On the other, the name is so awful, I can almost believe it. Unique code names being so difficult to come up with these days.”
“A public records search was conducted, and it verified all of the details,” Shiva said. “However, an intruder skilled enough to have inserted a properly crafted record into our systems could have easily done the same across the other systems.”
“Easily?”
“More easily than getting past me,” Shiva said.
“You sound almost annoyed that they got through.”
“This is not an area in which I am accustomed to being outperformed.”
“All right, Shiva. I’ll head on up to Wellerby and see if there is a Skyline at that address.”
“That is the entirety of your plan?”
“You and your friends have the technical side covered. The only reason the board would activate the on-call would be to see if there is a physical person to go with the fake record. Since the only address we’ve got is the one in the record, I’m going to see what’s there.”
* * *
Continued in Part 2…
I had started doing an audiobook version of this story, but lost the notes as to what pitch the various voices should be shifted from my own to accentuate the mediocre acting.
I remember Carol was supposed to be a more bubbly voice, and it was not easy to do, since I sound like a nasally eeyore.
I’m hooked. Looking forward to the rest of it.
Well, the other parts have been submitted. It’s up to the powers that be to schedule them. It’s not like I have to finish writing it 😉
Continued in Part 2…
Goddammit! Please don’t pull a G.R.R.M. on us, I’m definitely hooked.
Look, the whole thing is already written. All the parts have been submitted.
Excellent!
I enjoyed showing the drudgery of a superhero’s life, and the idea that they have to deal with institutional bureaucracy.
The first line in the first book in the setting was just, “Bureaucracy.”
Is this a story about tattoos?
No.
No, I think it’s a story about setting up two lesbians to go on a lesbian date… oh wait, that’s what they said about The Outer Worlds.
I started reading it, but I have no focus right now, too much alcohol last night…
I still haven’t read any of your books, what makes you think I’ll read this?
*reads*
Ooh! I like it! And I agree with BP, I like the glimpse of the day-to-day part of being a superhero.
There’s more in the books (as there’s more room to include it).
Yeah, the only reason I haven’t read them yet is I haven’t been doing any reading for a while. Maybe this series will get me hooked and get me to pick up my Kindle again.
I was like “Oh fuck, look at all those words. Who’s got time?”
But work is deader than disco, so…
Very enjoyable. Look forward to more.
Disco is NOT dead. Disco is life.
“It was a dark and stormy night.”
This was a nice bit. I immediately knew what this story was about even if I didn’t know the actual direction of the story.
Well it’s [REDACTED] which causes [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and then [REDACTED] before [REDACTED].
Spoilers are for cars.
I would love to hang out and chat with all you fine folks today, but I have work to do. Not work work, but there’s 8 carboys of mead that need to move to new carboys. And no one else is around to move it.
Why do we use the term “carboy” instead of “jug”?
And how big are said carboys? The internet says that a carboy is a rigid container of 1-16 US gallons. Moving 8 gallons is hardly an all day affair. Moving 128 gallons is more of a workout….
Hipsters. Always hipsters.
The ones used in homebrewing are typically 6-ish gallons. And the glass ones are fairly heavy empty. Filled with 5 gallons of mead, they are heavy, awkward, and breakable.
Neat! I’ve missed Travis & friends.
They have a larger role in later parts of this story. I had to set the stage.
Thanks UCS. I can’t read it right now but I will later.
OT: I got a youtube ad for this.
https://www.masterclass.com/classes/paul-krugman-teaches-economics-and-society
SHUT UP AND PRINT ME A TRILLION DOLLAR COIN THAT I MAY EXCHANGE FOR THIS.
Why would you follow a YouTube Ad? That just validates them.
They have a buy one give one sale going on. You could give this to OMWC. He’d love it.
https://www.masterclass.com/classes/neil-degrasse-tyson-teaches-scientific-thinking-and-communication
You’ve got me.
However, I have to warn you I never seem to get past book 4.
That’s okay, neither do I (thusfar)
GRRM confirmed.
I liked it, looking forward to more.
OT: going back to last thread, I am pro-agile as a development method, but the ceremonies are mostly BS.
The ceremonies are *entirely* BS.
Being agile is good. Being Agile is rarely being agile.
I stick with mostly. They aren’t entirely 100% crap.
Yesterday I believe it was Festivus who shared a story about the unappreciated Christmas gift. I was still trying to recover from staying up all night making my little ones’ Christmas morning a happy one, so I couldn’t participate, but here’s my story:
I was a young man in love. My then girlfriend (later wife, even later ex) and I were living together in that early 20’s college poverty. One night we had one of those long, deep conversations, sharing details from your past that you never share. She told me about how she resented that her father would never let her have any of the “boy” things that her older brother got. She specifically went on at length about how she always wanted to make model airplanes like her brother did. He made this SR-71 blackbird that hung in his room and she always wanted to do that too. But her dad said that wasn’t a girl thing.
So when Christmas rolled around, being a good and attentive boyfriend, I remembered that story. This was in the mid 80’s, long before the era of internet shopping, so finding such an animal was difficult. I ran around to every hobby shop in the area, looking for just the thing. I finally found big SR-71 blackbird model kit that came with everything you needed – paint, glue, X-acto knives…. all of it in the kit. Perfect!
I was really looking forward to giving it to her. I knew how important the model had been to her, and I knew it would be a special gift for her that would speak not only to her past but to our relationship. We’d have a great time building it together and cementing our relationship, so to speak.
So Christmas comes. She gives me her gift – a knockoff swiss army knife. And I hand her this huge box, wrapped with care, including a huge hand-crafted bow (that took a bit of doing on my part). She ripped it open and I could see the confusion wash over her.
She had absolutely no recollection of that conversation, or recognition of what she was looking at.
“It is the SR-71 model you told me about… the one that your father bought for your brother but that you really wanted.”
A blank stare greeted me.
“You remember? We sat up all night and you told me about how important it was to you. You were even crying about it as you told the story…. ?”
Oh, yeah. That’s sweet honey.
“We’ll make it together. It will be fun!”
She gave me a big hug and we went on with the day. I also gave her a little gold locket, so there was something girly in the offing too.
Fast forward to a party with friends a couple of weeks later. She regaled everyone with the story of her terrible Christmas gift. She had everyone laughing about it “what was he thinking?”
Yeah… that should have been a warning sign…..
Instead, I failed to learn my lesson.
Years later, current wife told a similar story of what she always wanted but never got. When she opened the present on her birthday, she openly asked, “what the hell were you thinking?”
So I suppose the true lesson is that listening to your wife and trying to be responsive to her needs and desires is actually a fools errand. They are always gonna find something to complain about anyway, and they don’t really appreciate it in any event.
So, there’s your message from the Ghost of Christmas Cynical.
Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! what a cunte.
Perhaps you don’t appreciate the gift but you sure can appreciate the effort and thought being put into it.
Yeah, not a clue. The women all literally said “That’s not the sort of thing a girl wants for Christmas”.
The irony of the entire fucking point of her story and resentment against her dad was that she couldn’t have it because ‘thats not the sort of thing a girl gets for Christmas” was entirely lost on all of them.
Women are entirely inscrutable.
I will say this for my ex…. she taught me that women are entirely inscrutable. She also taught me that when a woman (in a relationship) is angry, you just shut up and apologize. Defending yourself isn’t going to help… it just makes it worse. If you really need to discuss it, stick it in your pocket and pull it out a couple of days later. For women in relationships, everything is personal. You can’t argue with them like you’d argue with a dude, it doesn’t work.
Unfortunately, implementing life lessons is a lot harder than learning them.
I disagree; learning life lessons is hard and almost always sucks. Implementing them is easy.
Ok, I’ll revise my verbiage.
Learning them is painful.
Knowing when to implement them is difficult.
Sorta the difference between wisdom and knowledge, I suppose.
They’re not all inscrutable. My wife, though she can be irritating, is impeccably honest and loyal, if a little erratic at times. I got lucky.
I have dated the ones you speak of though.
This is absolutely true, and a relationship conflict in my current WIP.
» Men are inscrutable. We tell you time and time again we are just venting and you STILL can’t help but try to fix it. You are very sweet to want to do that. We recognize that you are very sweet to want to do that and we appreciate the thought and effort behind the thinking about it. But it often a) doesn’t, b) backfires, c) gets in the way of us fixing it ourselves once we figure out how to do so.
» My husband says he is easy to buy for. He wants Stephen King books and ties. I go to a lot of trouble to find out what Stephen King has done, what’s a reprint of a short story (that is already anthologized) (that we probably have), and reconcile all that with what we already have. He seems good with it, but not delighted. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I spend a whole lot more time on this activity than he knows because it’s all so fucking confusing. I don’t buy ties for him anymore (although one year I hit it out of the park) (thank you, Etsy). He rotates amongst about 5 of them and doesn’t look at the rest. Is that REALLY all he wants? I don’t think so but I can’t imagine what would delight him.
» What he needed most was something I can’t give him: dude friends. He finally got one, and he is like a kid in a candy store when he gets to go on a dude-bro-pal outing.
» We change the rules, it’s true. The kicker is, either we don’t know that we changed them until the topic comes up OR we are afraid of your reaction if we tell you the rules changed. We really don’t want to hurt your feelings, inconvenience you, or otherwise make you unhappy.
» We will not remember what we tell you. All we want to do is vent. This is the correct course of action for gift-giving ideas: “Well, um, honey, is that model airplane thing something you think you might want in the future?” “Neh, just pissy about my dad.”
» I do not say negative things about my husband to anybody, and I try very hard not to say anything that could be CONSTRUED as negative.
» If someone trashed me in public for a gift I gave (especially if there was a lot of thought involved), that would be an instant cut-off.
And lastly,
» There are just some things you NEVER say at all.
This is our policy as well, both ways. I for one, really appreciate that. When my wife worked outside of the home, she would challenge other women to name something good about their husbands when they were bad mouthing their husbands with the other hens.
A very wise policy.
This is a dude rule that I have rarely seen violated. In movies they always show guys talking about their recent conquest. In reality, you never, never talk about current events. And the only negative thing you’d ever say about your wife is to give a look of sympathy to a dude who is going through the same thing you are.
Ex wife? Yeah, you can talk about that. Except not with current wife around.
My wife mostly adheres to that rule. But she will slip into trashing be from time to time if it fits the social situation.. like when her friends complain about how long their husband spends in the bathroom or some such.
Mostly she enjoys bragging about how good she has it. That gives status in her social group. So she’ll tell them that I am the one who puts the kids to bed, or does bath time, or braids the girl’s hair.
But she won’t tell them that I’m the one who does the laundry and the dishes. That doesn’t get her any status. It implies that she’s not doing her part.
Can confirm.
That said, I’m up front about the fact that I don’t do housework, leaving the question “Well, who does it?” unanswered. I’d rather my house be imagined as a pigsty instrad of being That Worthless, Lazy Woman whose husband, out of desperation and his own sanity, picks up after her.
It’s just that I loathe housework because actual reasons* and he simply doesn’t mind doing it.
So the question comes up a lot: “Where do you get time to write?!” “I don’t do housework” actually does, in this particular case, confer social status. It says I do not feel a need to conform to social norms/gender roles because I Am An Artiste. I am a hippie, a bohemian, a free spirit and thus, brave, exciting, and daring. There then dawns a look of trapped helplessness amongst the women listening. That is not my problem. You, too, can thumb your nose at society—if you’re brave enough.
I actually explored this in a book. It hit my publishing partner’s wife pretty hard where she lived and breathed. She’s a (very talented) graphic designer stuck in motherhood and housewifery and lost herself, her creativity, her joy, and her identity. She is her kids’ mom and her husband’s wife, and she really really had a hard time with that book. My publishing partner didn’t fare much better, because he keeps urging her to step out from under the church’s expectations and get her joy back.
I had to hound her into doung the cover for our latest release (my partner’s and my imprint that has nothing to do with me). She wanted to do it. She ACHED to do it, but she was afraid to take that time away from her kids. But I had stopped the presses until we got a decent cover and she was the only one who could do something I’d approve.
She took the excuse I gave her, and she (and my partner) were happier for it.
But I still don’t want my cohort to know my husband does the housework.
*When I was growing up and helping my mom do the housework, every day was spring cleaning. I can either see a room and see every mote of dust and scurry to eradicate it or I can be utterly blind to a room’s needs. I choose to be blind to it because if I am not, I will spend the rest of my life cleaning and hating every second of it. There is no “good enough.”
I can fix this for you.
Guys are dumb. I know… you don’t think so. But we are really, really dumb. Not in a “solve physics” way. Nor in a write Moby Dick way. But in the way that counts to women, we are too dumb for you to fathom.
So when you think your man is being a douche because you have been hinting around about something and he isn’t changing….. just remember this…. He’s dumb.
He’s not going to make the inferences you make in social situations. He’s too dumb for that. Guys don’t do subtle. We just aren’t that bright.
If you understand this, you’ll be a lot happier.
And if all else fails, follow the Chris Rock recipe for success – “Show up naked, Shut the fuck up, bring food.” It is a funny line, but there’s some truth there too.
Here’s why. Dudes relate in a different way. Quality time differs with dudes. You want your man to think you spent a great afternoon together? Watch the game with him (or whatever he likes). Sit there and simply watch the game. You don’t talk about anything else. You don’t mention dinner with your sister. You don’t talk about what color to paint the guest room. You just watch the game while sitting next to him.
If you speak, you say things like “that call was Bullshit!” or “Come on! Will Someone make a block?!?”
He will think you have spent the best afternoon bonding. That’s how guys do quality time. 3 hours goes by and nobody says a word about anything other than football.
I tried to explain it to my wife by analogizing it to watching a lifetime movie. Would you want me to keep talking about “when are you going to do the laundry” in the middle of the scene where she finds out she has terminal cancer and won’t be able to finish her daughter’s wedding dress?
Guys are very linear in that way.
And if you are struggling for the perfect gift… oral sex is always a great stocking stuffer…. and you don’t ever have to worry about taking it back.
(you are welcome, Mr. Mojeaux)
He’s not going to make the inferences you make in social situations. He’s too dumb for that. Guys don’t do subtle. We just aren’t that bright.
I would say “we just aren’t tuned in to that frequency”, but yeah. I suspect that a great deal of what we avoid as “drama” is actually information-rich signaling to those who are dialed in to that frequency.
From a woman’s point of view, we are all some form of idiot savant.
Too stupid to dress ourselves, understand a hint, know when to cuddle and when to go away…. to dumb to know when to shut up and listen….. enough of a retard to actually make that joke in front of her friends….
Yet able to earn a living, fix the plumbing, work on the car, operate heavy machinery. It is truly one of life’s great mysteries.
32 year old example (if I had a time machine, I would use it to smack some sense into young robc):
My freshman year, there was this one* girl in my Calculus class. I by “coincidence” happen to sit ever day in the row behind her and her friends. I have conversations. I say hi when I see her elsewhere. Etc. I am crushing (duh) on her. Late in the quarter, she asks (I think , I dont remember, but it seems unlikely I would have initiated this) to study together the night before a test. So we are studying in a dorm lounge, not alone, but no one is paying any attention to us. So, in the middle of this, she puts her hand on my knee.
And I would love to tell you the rest of this story, but there is literally nothing to tell. I remember to this day it happening and having no clue if it meant anything or what I should do. I am not even sure that much thought went into my head. I was just literally clueless.
I have been clueless around women many times in my life, missed a number of opportunities that I realized later existed, but that one is the one that really annoys me.
*ha, ha. There were more, not many, but one **specific** one I am referring to.
Robc…
I have the same story. Several times over.
From college there was the girl who desperately wanted the cool guys to notice her. I was always friendly with her and had quite a thing for her …. but it never developed at all because she was really hot and hanging around all the cool guys, never expressing interest in anything other than friendship.
Fast forward – I’m leaving for grad school. I have a girlfriend, later my wife. It is the last time I’ll see this girl. I’m on my way out in a big group setting. She walks up, grabs me by my face and gives me a big, very passionate kiss.
“What was that for?”, says my younger and quite confused self. “I’ve just always wanted to do that”, comes the reply.
What in the ever-loving hell? Now? Now you tell me? Why not …. I don’t know…. at ANY point in the prior two years we’ve known each other?
Damn. I have some stories from Jr. High & High School…
Anyway, I can relate…
I’ve done that a couple of times, totally missing the signals. The one that hits me hardest, because I was u wittingly rude to the poor guy, was my row-mate on a plane.
I was on my way to meet an internet crush, completely sick to my stomach nervous, hadn’t slept in weeks, had been working my ass off, and doing other things in the crush of self-improvement on a deadline. I knew it was going to be a disaster, somewhere in my deepest gut.
Anyway, I’m in the middle seat trying and failing to read a book, fidgeting like crazy, looking very fly (for me), and couldn’t concentrate. I was vaguely aware there was a young man sitting to my left on the aisle.
He kept trying to drum up a conversation. I kept answering tersely, but managed to explain I was meeting an internet friend of the male persuasion. I did not explain that I was nervous, sick to my stomach, and not at all happy about this, but I think he had a pretty good idea.
I don’t remember his name. I don’t remember if he even gave it to me. I only know that what I SHOULD have done was flirt and, if the opportunity presented itself, hang out with him rather than my internet dude because that was, indeed, an utter disaster.
Damn, man. That’s kind of depressing. I haven’t had opportunities like that arise, but if I had, I would have done the same as you. I’m sorry both instances turned out like they did.
I can confirm that the model kit sat unopened in a closet for the next 13 years. I stuck it in the box of stuff for her after she moved out, still in “like new” condition, unopened.
Well that sucks.
I just go with warm things to wear, cheap jewelry, and cash.
Because I always pick wrong on better jewelry or anything else. With cash, she can tell me what I got her later.
But you probably gots to be married more than 10 years before this method will work.
So, I won’t tell you about how the gift assortment from Adam and Eve turned out…..
After about 10 years of marriage, she’s gonna call you on getting her something you wanted, and/or the threat of using them on you.
We’ve been married for 15 years. Together for 17 – almost 18 years.
So you guys know the “Adam and Eve” thing was just a comedy bit, right?
“What was I thinking? I was thinking I’d get you something you told me you always wanted but never got. Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? Because nobody ever told me that when somebody says “I always wanted this, but never got it”, you should absolutely not buy them the thing they said they always wanted but never got.”
Yeah. That’s what you call dude thinking. We are simple like that.
Back in the 80’s a Rich Shydner had a whole bit about “Canyon Man” that explained this in detail. He talked about his wife going to the mall to shop for a dress for a party. She shops all day, buys 20 things but never even looks at dresses (I can 100% confirm this phenomenon as it has happened to me).
Then he talks about dudes going shopping. “Canyon Man standing outside of a store…. Hmmm…. Canyon man is cold! Canyon Man walks into store, buys coat. Comes back out. Hmmmm…. Canyon man not cold anymore!”
This reminds me of a shopping app I have proposed in the past.
Basically you would create a shopping list on your phone. Then the app would scan inventories of stores online and create a route for you to get everything you need.
Gal Mode: Who cares how long it takes, plan a route that gets me everything at the lowest total price. Can stop at 45 stores to complete the trip.
Guy Mode: Plan the trip to stop at the fewest stores possible. Cost doesn’t matter. Can substitute in alternative products if necessary.
*checks Home Depot app before leaving home – “aisle 19, bin 9”. Goes to HD aisle 19 bin 9, retrieves desired item, pays leaves.*
Wife – “you back ALREADY?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bju8VjyQ8y8
Link to comedian doing that exact bit (at the end of this clip)
I actually did the exact same thing at Walmart over the weekend. Checked my items, looked up aisle numbers and walked through the store from point to point. In and out in 15 minutes.
Woulda used the store pickup, but walmart cancelled my order on me. Probably because of the Christmas rush.
Same with phone calls.
Jimbo: Will pick you up at 6 tomorrow morning to go fishing
Buddy: Ok
– both hang up –
Wife: What is the matter? Why did you hang up?
Jimbo: we were done talking
Wife: ??? but you only talked for a minute
– watch wife chat with friends for hours on the phone –
Home Depot is too specialized.
You need to check out Fleet Farm.
Get your shit together and go to Farm and Fleet
Pulleeeeeaze!
Those losers are ripping off Fleet Farm. Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan and Iowa?
I dig FF. Bullets, car care stuff, softener salt, shovels, fishing crap.
My wife won’t let me buy clothes there anymore, though.
You mean ROO-RAL KING, right!?!?
Back in the day before I came up with an excuse to get out of grocery shopping with my wife (turned out the correct answer was to stay home with small hellions), we called it the Scientific method vs the Korean method of shopping.
Scientific method: Have a list of items and then proceed methodically down the aisles to get all items
Korean method: show up with no list and then randomly walk back and forth in the store as you think of what items you need.
We are simple like that.
Yeah, it is simpler.
Ugg see problem. Ugg hit problem on head. No more problem, OR, problem now angry, tear off Ugg’s arms.
Yeah, its of a piece with women telling you problems because they just want to talk about their problems, not because they want any of their problems actually, you know, solved. In fact, offering solutions just pisses off a woman in that mode.
Ask me how I know.
With ya, brother!
This dovetails with the above conversation about “implementing life lessons”. Everyone who has watched standup knows that women don’t want to you solve their problems, they just want you to “be there” and listen.
And yet…. discerning that this particular moment is a shut up and listen to me moment versus a “no, I’d really like to know what to do” moment is surprisingly difficult when it hits you on the fly in the middle of a discussion about what to fix the kids for dinner tonight.
With the usual exceptions from any generalization, men seems to see problems almost exclusively as something to be solved, while women see them as an opportunity for drama in addition to or instead of something to be solved.
Case in point – sister-in-law had an absolute scumbag of an ex-husband, a worthless, layabout drug user with at least one conviction. When he had the kids, he would park them in front of the TV while he was out doing worthless scumbag drug user things.
Then he got arrested again – some kind of assault. I told her this was a golden opportunity to cut him off completely, terminate all his visitation and custody rights. Did she take this chance to solve one of the biggest problems in her life? No, she did not. And never gave me a good reason why not. But she never stopped bitching about him, either.
Chicks be weird, yo.
Orly?
Because she didn’t think she deserved anything better, was scared shitless of being out on her own, and couldn’t stand her own company. Most women do not learn how to be okay alone.
She was married to Bro Dean. She wasn’t on her own; in fact, she was part of a functional family for the first time in her life (both her household and the Dean Clan).
“Orly?”
With the usual exceptions from any generalization
I just calls ’em like I sees ’em.
Actually, there are two types of people… those who need to be in a committed relationship and those who don’t.
Putting two who don’t need it together works fine for as long as they want it.
Putting two who need it together works fine – they’ll cling to each other no matter what.
But a mismatch? That’s the recipe for disaster. That’s where exploitation lives. That’s where the abusive spouse lives. Lots of misery could be avoided if we were better at discerning those needs early on in a relationship.
Hey, let’s be careful about advising women to jettison the lazy scumbag men in their lives. Unless you have a place for me to stay at, don’t be saying stuff like that around my wife.
Dude was willing to leave two young teenagers unattended for long periods, including overnight. I thought cutting off his visitation and custodial rights was the more restrained option.
Oh, BTW. He’s dead now.
This was part of a Parks and Recreation episode. Chris Traeger was trying to solve all of his wife’s problems when she was pregnant. He had to be taught to just say “(Honey,) that sucks.”
It’s not about the nail.
I have straight up asked the wife “Do you want me to do anything about this?” Usually the answer is no. Excellent.
Those are moments when the universe comes into perfect balance. I’ve actually asked that a few times, and it has mostly been a winner.
Unless you make the mistake of asking that when it isn’t a “I want to vent about this situation” conversation and is instead a “I’m PMS-ing hard” conversation. Introducing “do you want me to do anything about this” in that situation is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.
Some people are dicks and some people are cuntes. Sometimes the attributes match the equipment. Sometimes they don’t.
Truer words were never spoken…..
“Do you want me to do anything about this?”
“No.”
Next line — “Then stop telling me about it.”
Might I add how much better Christmas has gotten ever since we decided that we wouldn’t give out presents anymore? (well, there is still one holdout who gives out gifts still but unless I’m willing to divorce her, I have no idea how to make her comply)
Stress levels are way down. No one gets wound up about presents (giving or receiving).
Wife still enjoys shopping for small gifts, but even she has scaled way back from the days when the kids were small.
I’m not looking forward to the days of grand kids because I’m sure all that nonsense will start back up again.
Yeah, we used to do piles of presents, then it got whittled back to just handful (much better, IMO), but its back out of control now that there are grandkids/nieces in the picture.
I try very hard to stick to a “Gifts are for kids, cash is for teens, adults can buy their own crap” rule. You can’t really shop for adults because if there is something ‘perfect for them’ then they either already have it, or they are saving up for a particular instance of it and you buying them a different one puts them in an awkward position. Also Amazon cards are the only acceptable gift cards.
I don’t go quite that far.
I don’t really like to give cash or gift cards (notable exception: teenagers – who the hell knows what they want?) because to me they are just too impersonal.
Adults take some work, to find something they might like/use that they don’t have or isn’t too expensive. Food (good food items they aren’t likely to find or indulge in) and booze are always well-received. If you know their interests (and you should if you are giving them presents), its not impossible. Bro and Pater Dean likes fly fishing – there are millions of fly fishing doodads and gear. Pater Dean likes his glass of bourbon in the evening – here, try one of these one liter barrels and see if you like it. Bro Dean and is wife love to cook – hello, millions of doodads and gear, again.
Mrs. Dean likes me to go away. No prob – fishing trip scheduled. OK, that one’s not really a gift, but its still appreciated.
My family scaled down our Christmas to a gift exchange ($50 limit) where names are drawn at Thanksgiving. Every person buys one gift for someone else. You only have to buy one present, and you get one present. There’s still the excitement of opening gifts, but we don’t have to worry about buying for 10 different people, many of whom you don’t know very well at all.
Everyone likes it better.
Simpler, less grandiose version of the same communication issue
words: “I don’t like surprise gifts”
Meaning:”i like surprises, but I don’t trust you to pick the correct surprise gift”
I actually struggle with the opposite side. Did that small remark about the thing that I’m doing mean stop? Was it just a small vent because I’m making a mess? All I know is that after comment #4 I’m restraining my caveman urge to put the monkey wrench through the wall.
OT: motion sensor was installed in the entrance foyer at work. And the switch (which some dumbasses turn off) was located next to the inner door, not the outer one.
Meanwhile, no sensors installed in the closets or storerooms.
Does this mean you’re gonna start sleeping in the closet?
Is this an episode of Columbo?
With luck Gustave is just an extra and not the victim of the week.
Purely coincidence that Gustave is wearing that seedy rain coat. You won’t see any flashes – of inspiration – from him.
I am going to do some surgery on it and change the off delay to the max of 30 minutes.
UCS, will read anon.
Workday is almost over, so I look forward to your remarks after my commute.
For the first part I was all “what do you mean, set in Tarnished Sterling universe? This is normal Magical Realism.”
Then it changed.
Looking forward to part 2 et. al.
Well, when characters from Tarnished Sterling show up…
If you are taking flak, that means you are over the target.
“Resign or Guam will tip over.”
Not buying it. There is no way Hank Johnson is literate.
Dear Hank,
Go fuck yourself.
Love,
Bill & John
I like the “congressman wrote a letter to GOP person” thing that is happening lately.
Why do we – or more succinctly why does the media pretend that this is a real thing. If Johnson had written a letter to Barr, you wouldn’t know about it. Because he would have sent it to Barr. He wrote a press release where he vents about partisan stuff and wants the press to frame it as if he is doing his civic duty as a representative. “wrote a letter”…. Please!
If Chuck Schumer had wanted to work things out with his senate counterparts, he would have called them and had a private meeting. He didn’t. He sent a letter. His “letter” to Mitch McConnell was published in the papers before it ever arrived at McConnell’s office. That’s not a letter. That’s a press release dressed up. And covering it with Schumer’s preferred lingo is carrying his water for him.
It should have been covered from the point of view of “Schumer throws a wrench into the workings of the senate, attempting to create a narrative in the press before ever talking to his counterpart McConnell about impeachment proceedings.”
Love it.
Looking forward to Part 2!
Fuck this global warming.
We still only have about 4″ of ice on the lakes around here. And not a good 4″ (2″ good ice and 2″ of crap ice caused by snow/slush/thawing/freezing). The reason this matters is that a) you can’t drive on the lakes and that means that b) people decide if they have to walk out, they will go to my secret lake that doesn’t have an access on it and c) THAT MEANS THAT PEOPLE ARE ON MY LAKE!!!
As soon as they can drive out on the lake, those lazy slugs will be out on other lakes and my secret lake will only have me and these two older asian geezers on it.
I know, right?! Around here it got down into the low 70’s last night. We had to turn off the air conditioner and everything!
#FloridaProblems
BTW, the boys are out fishing on the canals at the moment. They are wearing bathing suits and T-shirts, because they will “accidentally” fall in when things get boring.
Monday they swore up one side and down the other that they hooked up a snook the size of a golden retriever. Of course, it shook the hook just before they landed it.
I told the other boy’s mom that it will probably have morphed into a 9 foot bull shark before school starts back up.
“It was bigger than the titanic”
“That wouldn’t fit in the canal”
“I don’t know how it did it, but it was in the canal.”
Sometimes they might be telling the truth.
Get a kiddy pool. Fill with water. Leave outside. Drink on frozen kiddy pool.
That’s really funny….
My in-laws do the ice fishing thing. My father in law invited me to join him and his boys for a week on a lake in North Dakota where the temperatures were below -20 and the wind chills below -50. He was packing up the back of the pickup with cases of cheap beer. The plan was to sit in a little fishing shed for a week, drinking beer and watching a 13 inch TV.
Most emphatically did not sound like a good time to me.
If keeping the cans of beer from freezing and exploding is one of your primary challenges…. count me out.
Just put the ice shack out in the back yard. You ain’t there for the fishin’ anyway.
Oooooh, can’t wait!
If I might… Maybe change up the length of your sentences. Too many short sentences in a row make for tiring reading.
I have the opposite problem. My writing is often improved by randomly breaking up long sentences with periods.
I dispute this. No one’s writing is improved by adding in menstruation.
I’m pretty sure I’ve had text that started out as one or two sentences that needed and order of operations manual to figure out what the pronouns were referncing.
That is the same issue: Stagger your sentence length to obtain a flow and rhythm. YOU may need to add a few periods. UCS needs to take a few out.
That. Is. A. Pack. Of. Lies…
Em-dashes would have worked better than periods, just sayin’.
Interesting.
Should I go with “Fuck off.” or “Fuck. Off.”?
“Kindly fornicate away from this spot.”
That depends entirely on how you hear it in your head. Sometimes I use “Fuck. Off.” And sometimes I use “Fuck—off.”
That second one makes no sense.
Context. If it’s a terse or angry conversation, it will.
Entirely seriously now. How you write is your voice and it is up to you to put down on paper how you hear what you hear in your head.
But a reader reads how s/he reads, so this is a contract that the writer and reader have to negotiate.
There are a ton of people who hate my creative punctuation and I’m okay with that. I’m still going to write it how I hear it.
All of my comments should be read with this in mind. I make liberal use of ellipsis for the same reason….. to give the language some of the rhythm and flair of actual speech. It helps convey an idea that might take 5 sentences in one sentence. Also, it allows you to speak in a common voice instead of in the voice of a paper written for class.
Elipsis read to me as someone trailing off as if having misplaced their train of thought.
I can also throw blame on the Editor.
He did it before the skull fracture, so that is no excuse.
I really liked this. I have nothing more to say about it at this point, because I always read fiction with the attitude that I will go where you take me and never question a moment of it because there is a reason you are doing what you are doing.
I always try to figure out where the story is going before it gets there. It’s not even conscious, I just think that way.
A lot of people do that and then get mad when the story doesn’t go there. Too many readers want the writer to have written what THEY wanted to happen, not what the writer wanted to happen.
That said, if the story has me at arm’s length, I will do that too.
The bit of yours I quoted, I smelled foreshadowing of a certain type, but I trust you to deliver on that when you get to it.
Oh, this story is foreshadowed to hell and back.
When reading, I rarely get mad if I’m wrong about how the story goes unless the author does something really, really dumb with it. And I typically have a few predictions up in the air ranging from “it would be interesting if they did…” through “I would do…” to “I think the author is actually going to…” which are usually divergant. The last one is usually more spot on if I’ve read more of a given writer’s work before. I got pretty good at predicting Brother Cadfael books by noticing patterns in the works. With an author unknown to me, that one is based on cynicism.
Cheers! Good reading.
Late to the party, UCS. I enjoyed your writing even if I have no idea where its going. I’m a little weak in the super hero/sci-fi area but I found the story interesting and contagious Will read part 2.
I did laugh at the lady stories, I was very familiar having been a participant in many of the scenarios.
Thanks, UCS, very enjoyable.
Don’t worry, there will be more superheros in part 2 and 3.