Man tries to make Onion article a reality.

“Rub this callus to take a selfie.”

What your phone needs is a supple, pinchable coat of human skin, apparently

Today in news that will please David Cronenberg and only David Cronenberg, it is now possible to shroud your smart devices in warm, flabby flesh that just loves being pinched and tickled.

Skin-On Interfaces, a line of smart device covers currently in development, uses artificial skin technology to create new input gestures for computers and mobile devices—all you need to do is poke, stroke, and press down on that soft, supple meat. This nightmare comes from designer Mark Teyssier, his team at Telecom ParisTech, and researchers from HCI Sorbonne Université and CNRS. (Cronenberg, we imagine, is a silent partner.)

Teyssier, who believes that “human skin is the best interface for interaction,” first came up with the idea after he had a compulsion to pinch his phone, which, sure, we’ve all felt at some point, right? His project has resulted in two different products: one with a uniform skin surface and another that promises the hyper-realistic feeling and appearance of filthy, probably hairy flesh.

Charmless Hags Obsessed With Charmless Hag

Warren, the piece noted, isn’t the kind of person who is just gonna get her a beer: She lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts. She’s rich. She was a professor at an Ivy. But, as The Atlantic admits, “gonna get me a beer” isn’t posturing, it’s a typical speech pattern for somebody from Oklahoma. The thing about Warren that’s been irreconcilable for pundits and the political media: She may have taught at Harvard, but Warren actually is from down home. She’s both. And she’s deploying that personal story effectively.

Warren’s stump speeches are filled with personal references to the challenges of working middle-class motherhood—of finding and affording daycare and of the precariousness of it all. She’s claiming the narrative of the local girl made good, the woman who toughed it out. In politics, this story is usually trotted out by men, who want to tell you about a waitress they met in a diner in a key primary state and the homey wisdom she imparted to them. If you see it first-person, it’s more typically the stuff of country music.

Harris is such a buzzkill and Sanders is half-dead so Jezebel has to work up the spit to go down on Warren.

Gum. The key is gum. For the next 46 articles.

And delve into the contents for the category error that a condescending lecture is always a hard truth…

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Navy ‘Doomsday’ plane built to withstand nuclear attack grounded after striking single bird

The Navy’s “Doomsday Plane,” designed to withstand even a nuclear attack, suffered millions of dollars in damages after striking a single bird as it practiced a landing maneuver earlier this month at a Maryland air station.

Hate Bird, The Bird That Hates… your plane

The E-6B Mercury was supposed to only touch down momentarily before immediately taking off again from the Patuxent River Naval Air station – but a bird was sucked into one of the plane’s four engines while it attempted the “touch and go” move, according to Military.com

Tim Boulay, the communications director for the Naval Air Warfare Center Aircraft Division, told the Navy Times the incident was a “Class A” mishap, which means there was at least $2 million in damages to the plane. The designation is typically used in instances of aircraft destruction and death.

No one aboard the Navy aircraft was injured, but the plane was temporarily grounded after the Oct. 2 incident.

This marks the second “Class A” mishap for an E-6B Mercury this year – back in February, one of the planes brushed against a hangar as it was being moved from Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma. The incident also resulted in millions in damages.

Imagine being this butthurt that a mass shooting DIDN’T occur.

That dastardly Joker is now dancing on anything but those stairs

Before it came out, everyone was terrified that the Joker would lead to mass violence.* Instead, weeks after its release, it’s mostly lead to people photoshopping Joaquin Phoenix in clown make-up into any image they can imagine. This, obviously, is a reassuring outcome. Rather than accept a supervillain’s ideology as their own, the world has latched onto that scene where he dances down a Bronx staircase instead, seeing in that moment the truth that comic book movie iconography should never be taken more seriously than its potential as fodder for dumb memes.

The fullest expression of this is a Twitter account called “Joker Dancing In Random Places,” which has been created for no apparent purpose other than to slap a boogying Joker into, as the name suggests, any old place its administer can imagine. Here, for example, is the Joker introducing a bit of levity to Da Vinci’s The Last Supper.

*Please note: A few dipshits on the internet do not constitute “everyone.”