Now that we’re all back, the question becomes what to do. Saying you are going to work out is a far cry from knowing what you are going to do when you work out.
My return to fitness two years ago made me realize I was at something of a crossroads. When I was a young man, I wanted to be the biggest. badass possible. Reading ’80s bodybuilding magazines gave me a completely unrealistic idea of what was possible.There were times I spent hours in the gym trying to follow some workout routine that required dozens of sets. I was dumb enough to not realize how many of the top ranked bodybuilders were taking steroids and the published routines were the fitness equivalent of letters to Penthouse Forum. It’s no wonder I had so many injuries.
The question I asked myself this go ’round was, who are you? I’m now in my 50s, have a number of commitments, and am seriously pressed for time. So, what do you want? (Thank me later, Nephilium.) I wanted to get past my dad bod. OK, that’s a start but not terribly specific. I had a gut. I wanted to be trim. I wanted a six pack. That was a stretch because I never had one before. I wanted some muscle but wanted to look like a real person, not a cartoon. I also wanted my wind back. I enjoyed running and the endurance I had when I ran. But I knew I wasn’t going back to any sort of distance running.
The wife roped me into joining a gym. I floundered around for about a month. My form on some important lifts had gone to hell. I had a vague memory of some of the training I used to do but remembered those injuries. It was bad enough in 20s and 30s. In my 50s I imagined it being worse and possibly permanent.
I needed a plan. My wife was pushing for a personal trainer. No fucking way was I going that route. I saw what trainers had their clients doing. Some had no idea what they’re doing. Some seemed to know their stuff, but I wasn’t really sure. Listening to the chatter the trainers make with their clients drives me nuts. If I’m lifting, then STFU. I’m concentrating on what I’m doing. I don’t want to hear your blather.
I was running out of options. Until I remembered the internet knows everything. I stumbled through a bunch of stuff on Google then YouTube. YouTube was genuinely fascinating. There was some awful garbage and some invaluable advice. Video is a particularly helpful medium for demonstrating what to do. I’m going to go into some of the gems I found in future posts.
Among the really good advice I found was a guy named Jeff Cavaliere who has a channel called Athleanx. He’s a physical therapist and strength coach for pro athletes. His advice was eye opening. He has a ton of content of YouTube that’s all free. The call to action at the end of each video is to go to www.athleanx.com to check out their programs. Fine. Whatever pays the bills. The videos are complete videos that conveyed useful advice. More that that, this guy repeatedly emphasizes proper form, demonstrates it, and explains what makes it proper form. His tag line is, “If you want to look like an athlete then you have to train like an athlete.” He was speaking my language.
As a side note, Glibbroads (h/t Gender Traitor), this channel is still worth checking out even if you never want to see the inside of a gym. You won’t be disappointed with what you see. Same advice for gay Glibs who aren’t bear aficionados.
I don’t know how many videos I watched but it was a lot. This was the real deal and a good fit for me. I bought what I believe is his first program, AX1. I rediscovered just how out of shape I was. But I also had a plan. The plan was achievable, realistic, and could be done in an hour or less 5 days a week. I was hooked.
And so it begins. Who are you and what do you want? What will get you where you want to go?
As always, I credit my ideas for writing prompts each week with you. Seriously, it’s you people that allow me to do this and not drive myself nuts.
This is my review of Dogfish Head Palo Santo Marron.
So in last Sunday’s inspiring Glibfit article, Chafed inspired something in all of us. Some of it was good, but others…
Plus, I never liked what poutine looked like.
What I actually wanted to call it, was “diarrhea over fries”. My problem at that exact moment, was that I was drinking beer at OMWC’s second least favorite airport while simultaneously watching the Cardinals managing to somehow win another game, I forgot how to spell diarrhea. Autocorrect was not helping me at all.
I’ll have my revenge.
I know what you are thinking: “you get held up by diarrhea but Monteczuma comes out easy?” No. Because I spelled that wrong too.
In my defense though, there are several ways to spell that. While not dead, Nahuatl is an unusual language. As for the topic at hand, it is equally as interesting:
1. The spelling of “diarrhea” is an appropriation of the Greek “diarrhoia” meaning “a flowing through.”
2. Middle English diaria, from Medieval Latin, from Late Latin diarrhoea, from Greek diarroia, from diarrein, to flow through : dia-, dia- + rhein, to flow, run; see sreu- in Indo-European roots.]
3. diarrhoea U.S. diarrhea noun the runs, the trots (informal) dystentery, looseness, the skits (informal) Montezuma’s revenge (informal) gippy tummy, holiday tummy, Spanish tummy, the skitters (informal)
4.“oe” / “ae / “e”: Common diphthongs like “oe” / “œ” (e.g. “diarrhoea”, “oestrogen”) and “ae” / “æ” (e.g. “encyclopaedia”, “leukaemia”, “anaesthesia”) in British and Canadian spelling “diarrhea”, “estrogen”, “encyclopedia”, “leukemia”, “anesthesia”). are usually simplified in American usage to “e”
5. 1398, from O.Fr. diarrie, from L. diarrhoea, from Gk. diarrhoia “diarrhea” (coined by Hippocrates), lit. “a flowing through,” from diarrhein “to flow through,” from dia- “through” + rhein “to flow.” Respelled 16c. from diarria on Latin model.
RESPELLED? Why? What happened in the 16th century that would have caused such a word to be respelled?
So now we know.
How am I able to link all this to the beer? Those are Spanish words meaning holy brown stick…
It is typical Dogfish Head. Pricey ($13.99 ….. for 4 bottles), but really good. It is a nice, thick brown ale aged in bourbon barrels. I have to assume is quite the popular style of craft beer in the area I was traveling for business (the south), because it was either that or half a dozen choices for IPA. Don’t drink this one ice cold. Dogfish Head Palo Santo Marron: 4.5/5.
Welcome back, Glibertariat. GlibFit has been on hiatus after successful runs by SUPREME OVERLORD Trshmnster and A Leap At The Wheel. You’re all worthless and weakbut we are back after a long layoff. Time to get back in shape.
Which brings us to today’s topic. Getting back to exercise after a long layoff. Layoffs can be any length of time and happen for all sorts of reasons. They result in us becoming all sorts of shapes and sizes.
I’ve had to get back to it more than once with varying degrees of success. When I moved to California to attend law school I was entranced by the weather. I can’t say all the women at the beaches were all out of aDavid Lee Roth video,but it was not uncommon to be hear thisrunning through my head. I was motivated to join a nearby gym and run regularly. Despite putting in long hours during law school, I got into pretty good shape; probably the best shape I had ever been in during my first thirty years on planet earth.
I was far from perfect during law school, but I was consistent. Graduation came and I relocated to a new city for my first job as a lawyer. I found a local gym, but it was a significant step down and the hours were kind of limited. My workouts started slipping. Not too long after starting work I met Mrs. Chafed. Between work I took seriously and a budding romance I no longer had time for the gym.
I sporadically made some effort to find another gym. After we were married, a new gym opened that was terrific. It was also poorly managed. It, and my workouts, lasted about a year. The gym closed, the first baby Chafed came along, Mrs. Chafed stopped working, I was now the only breadwinner and playing Mr. Mom. First Baby Chafed was definitely daddy’s girl so it was almost always me that got up at night when she was crying. The gym, working out, and being trim was fading into memory.
Cut to about eleven years later, we left the garage door open one night and Mrs. Chafed’s car was burglarized. She freaked out. The cop who took the report told her to get a dog. I tell her in no uncertain terms I am at full capacity and cannot handle another responsibility. Also, we were both public defenders and knew first–hand how stupid most cops are. We’ll get a gun I said. Hello Mossberg 590. Despite my vehement, unceasing objections, Mrs. Chafed went to the pound and got us a dog.
We welcomed Moe to the family. My fur child was then (maybe) a one-year old chocolate lab. Mrs. Chafed was surprised by how much energy he had. I groaned, rolled my eyes, ceaselessly reminded her this would happen, and took up running. We ran every weekday morning. Weekends were for the dog park.
Holy shit I was out of shape. Our first run I went about three quarters of a mile and thought I was going to die. Moe still had boundless energy and looked at me like the weak, winded, disappointment I was. I had no choice but to keep running. It was my only hope of getting to sleep through the night.
Run with Moe I did. Bit by bit I got my wind back, kept going a little further, and finally achieved my goal of running far enough that the dog was satisfied. Several daddy-doggy 5Ks also ensued. I was more or less in shape. Necessity called and I answered. My long layoff was over. That lasted about seven years until age and arthritis made Moe consider a somewhat slower lifestyle.
Well, I continued to run. Sort of. It broke my heart to leave without him. Those sad eyes and whimpering also made it hard. Getting another half hour or so of sleep was very appealing. Running fell by the wayside.
A couple of years go by when my wife joined a gym. She kept bugging me to join because “it will be a chance for us to spend time together.” Sure honey. *cough* bullshit *cough* After sufficient nagging I joined. Once again, holy shit I was out of shape. I truly felt worthless and felt genuinely weak. A month later,Mrs. Chafed moved on to private training. I was on my own.
It was decision time. I found a program I like (more about that in a future article) and decided to stay. That was two years ago.I’ve had shorter layoffs since getting back to the gym due to illness, but I’ve consistently made my way back. For me, wanting to go instead of having to go, is the best motivation.
What kept you from exercising? What brought you back? What kept you going once you got back?
Kayaking is a fun and safe recreational activity enjoyed by people at all levels of fitness and mobility. Kayaking can be done on almost any body of liquid water, but I’m going to focus on flatwater and stillwater paddling since that is the entry point and maximum level of attainment for most people. Kayaking is a good low-impact exercise and enables fishing, nature photography, and camping. Nothing beats the relaxation of a day on the water.
The most frequent question I get from people who have never kayaked is: “Do I have to learn how to flip the boat back up?” No. Ideally you won’t turn over, but if you do you swim free. Which inevitably leads to domanda numero due: “Do I have to be strapped in?” Again, the answer is “no.” Recreational kayaks are designed for easy exit – they have large cockpit openings and ample, unobstructed under-deck space. Plus, there is a new class of sit-on-top, self-draining kayak where no part of you is enclosed at all. To complete the trifecta of answers to questions I am frequently asked by non-boaters – no, they are not as tippy as you probably think; kayaks are designed to keep your center of gravity low which stabilizes things nicely.
“The kayak was first used by the indigenous Aleut, Inuit, Yupik and possibly Ainu hunters in subarctic regions of the world.” And those dudes were totally badass hunting seals and contending with orcas in frigid waters in boats made of hide and bones. Modern kayaks are almost exclusively made of rotomolded polyethylene plastic, with a small number of specialty boats made of fiberglass or wood.
Kayakers sit with their legs stretched out ahead of them and use a two-bladed paddle; as opposed to canoeists who kneel, or sit with legs tucked under, and use a one-bladed paddle.
The author in a sit-on-top boat designed for whitewater use, hence the straps and helmet.
Ideally your first kayak experience should be in the company of two or more experienced paddlers. Kayak enthusiasts often have extra boats and gear and will outfit you for your first trip. Etiquette tip – spring for beers afterwards for your guides and outfitters. Offer to serve as a shuttle monkey or lunch bunny if you want a second invite.
There are kayak rental concessions at/near various lakes and rivers, some of which offer guided trips. These people are very conscious of their liability and will not put their customers in harm’s way. If your first kayaking experience is with other inexperienced paddlers, start with a one or two hour rental on a quiet lake in a party of three or more people all of whom should know how to swim even though you will use the PFD (life vest) you are issued.
So, you do a trip and you have fun and decide to buy your own kayak. The type of kayak you should purchase depends on the type of kayaking you’ll be doing. If you’re going to be paddling on ponds and smaller lakes (collectively, stillwater) then you can get by with a cheap department store boat for around two hundred dollars. Inexpensive recreational kayaks can also be safely used on rivers with no rapids (flatwater), or on Class I-II whitewater – caution or instruction recommended for the latter.
At the absolute minimum you will also need: a PFD (aka life vest, and yes you really, really need one), paddle (you notice I put this behind PFD on the list, right?), whistle or air horn, and a broad-brimmed hat. Appropriate footwear is sandals with ankle straps (no flip-flops), water shoes such as Nike Aquasock, or wetsuit booties. Always have with you water, sunscreen and a snack. Usual outdoor safety and first aid equipment, but Glibs know this already.
Please don’t buy a cheap polyvinyl inflatable kayak, aka pool toy. These things are truly POS, puncture easily and are not durable. There is a better class of inflatable made of rubberized fabric, but those cost as much as a rigid boat; they do have the advantage of portability and compact storage.
If you want to do bigger water, want to take long trips, or haul lots of gear then you’re going to need a bigger, more durable boat than they sell at department stores.
A Tarpon model 130T (thirteen-foot, tandem) sit-on-top recreational boat. Two drain pipes in the rear cargo compartment, four in the front of the cockpit. The ridges are molded-in footbraces to accommodate various leg lengths.
If you want to do long downriver trips, or haul lots of gear then I recommend a sit-on-top, self-draining recreational kayak such as Wilderness Systems’ Tarpon line of boats. These boats are sturdy, stable and durable. Recently Wilderness replaced the rubber cargo hatches with hard plastic hinged hatches – much more durable and reliable. The drain pipes go all the way through from the top deck to the bottom deck without letting water into the space between decks. Perhaps counterintuitively, the drain pipes add a huge amount of structural integrity to the hull. These boats can do up to Class III whitewater, and can even surf a bit, but they are not nimble.
Obligatory Stirring Kayak Anecdote: During rescue operations in chilly whitewater I had two men in a one-person, sit-on-top boat, exceeding the rated cargo capacity by over one hundred pounds. Although the boat sat low in the water and the cockpit was partially flooded, the kayak remained floatworthy and maneuverable; when the extra man got out of the boat the water drained out within ten seconds and full floatworthiness was regained.
The only disadvantage to self-draining kayaks is that they are slower than traditional kayaks – the drain holes add drag. And while you sit higher in the water in a sit-on-top than in a conventional kayak, the designers compensate for that by making these boats extra-wide for added stability. The drain pipes also provide an easy way to secure the kayak against casual theft using a chain or cable lock.
Another Anecdote: One of the recreational boaters I’m trying to get to level-up has long been wary of trying my sit-on-top. Once she finally tried it she was impressed by the stability generally solid character of the craft to the point of jealousy.
If you want to do Class III+ whitewater and be able to surf (including ocean waves) and do tricks then you will need a whitewater kayak – these are made of thicker plastic than cheap recreational boats and have internal supports to keep them from being crushed like a soda can in rough water. You will need to learn to roll – contact your local paddling club, Parks and Rec (SLD), or YMCA about rolling classes which are often conducted in pools. Expect to spend $1,200-$1,600 for all new whitewater kayak, PFD, paddle, skirt and helmet. Whitewater boats are short, and by design easily tip and spin.
If you are going to do long treks on open water (ocean, sea, bay, sound, great lakes, etc) you will probably want a sea kayak. These boats are long and narrow, relatively stable, but don’t turn well. Many deepwater paddlers learn to roll in case they are swamped by waves or wakes. Some sea kayaks are equipped with sailing rigs, retractable keels for speed and tracking, and outriggers for stability.
There are also a few pedal-powered kayaks on the market where the pedal rotation powers underwater flaps which help propel the boat; paddles are used for turning and maneuvering, and for additional propulsion. Pedal drive boats are not recommended for water with lots of vegetation, underwater obstructions, etc. Some of those pedal units are removable.
Fiberglass boats are great if you are a competitive whitewater kayaker, competitive flatwater racer, squirt boater, or want to make your own boat. They are certainly light, but break in situations where a polyethylene boat would bend or dent.
Wooden boats are so very pretty, but they are heavy and expensive. You don’t see many of them in river kayaking as the owners tend to avoid anything that might scrape them up, like rocks.
Buying a used boat is often a good way to break into the sport on the cheap without sacrificing equipment quality. Scrapes and scratches consistent with normal use are fine. Beware of dents, folds, creases, cracks, brittle plastic, dry rotted rubber, etc. Generic replacement nylon carry handles are readily available, but rotted handles are indicative of poor kayak storage. Best time to find a used boat is December through March as people get new boats for Christmas or for Spring.
A single short boat will fit inside a hatchback vehicle with the front seat folded forward. For longer or multiple boats you will need a roof rack, or a pickup truck. A Subaru Outback wagon can easily haul four kayakers with boats and gear for a day trip.
Tonio has been a canoeist since 1985, and a kayaker since 1990. Tonio’s maximum level of attainment was solid Class IV whitewater paddling skills, but he has dialed things back to Class III now that he is older. Tonio loves practicing kayak safety and rescue techniques. Tonio is not a real Italian.
