Category: SugarFree

  • Camp Stories

     

    The summer of 1984, at a sleep-away camp in the Tennessee mountains, the counselors–earnest, well-scrubbed Christian kids–would tell us ghost stories around the campfire. If I had been older, I would have recognized most of them as fairly standard urban legend stories: the hook-hand, the spider eggs, the vanishing hitchhiker. When I was younger, I had heard almost the same stories at sleep-over camping trips run by the YMCA, so they didn’t bother me all too much.

    But on nights when the counselors left our 16-kid cabins to drink or fuck or sneak off to the McDonald’s in the little town nearby, one of the kids that had been at the camp before told us The Story, an oral tradition that had been passed down kid-to-kid for who knows how many years. A horror story that carried a lesson in socialization and proper behavior. Here’s how I remember it…

     

    There was a boy a few years back who had nightmares. His name was Timmy. He would thrash around in his upper bunk bed and call out. He kept all the other kids awake and they would be exhausted the next day, not having any fun, doing poorly at the archery range or falling asleep by the pool.

    At first light, Timmy would jump down from his bunk and race to the bathroom facility, someways down the mountain that had been dotted with camper cabins. His bunk-mates understood that this meant Timmy was too afraid of the dark to go to the bathrooms at night. But this lead to Timmy finally having a nightmare so bad that he peed the bed, the urine soaking not only his mattress but also dripping down on the kid below him. Everyone was disgusted when they found out what had happened and so when the cabin counselor took Timmy down to the bathroom to get him cleaned up, a plan was hatched.

    The next night the counselor was gone–like that very night we were hearing this story–all the boys in the cabin woke Timmy from his usual nightmare, rolled him in his bedsheets and carried him out into the woods, never saying a word. The carried him far from the cabins and the lights around camp and tied him up in a tree. Not to a tree, up in a tree, dangling a few feet off the ground and gagged him. Timmy begged and squirmed and screamed into his gag, but the other boys left him there, not telling him if they planned to return. They went back to the cabin and all fell asleep.

    Timmy couldn’t get loose and he couldn’t cry for help. There was no hope anyone from the camp would find him by accident. He hanged there limp and defeated.

    And then something licked his foot.

    He looked down. As quiet as ghosts, a pack of wolves had surrounded the tree he was suspended in. Another lick of his foot. It almost tickled. Timmy screamed. The closest wolf finally bit his foot and tore away a few of his toes. He could feel the other wolves lapping at the blood. This drove the wolves in a frenzy, more of them biting his feet, worrying off their own pieces of Timmy, tugging as they pulled his flesh away. Timmy screamed until he had no voice left.

    The wolves continued eating Timmy, bracing against the tree to eat further and further up his legs. Finally jumping to bite into Timmy’s knees, dangling there until their body weight tore off another chunk of the boy. They ate Timmy down to just stumps.

    After the wolves were done, they wandered away into the woods. Timmy was quite insane from pain and shock at this point. But all the terrible tugging of the starving wolves had loosened the ropes and he finally fell into the mud his blood had made at the base.

    Using his hands and arms, Timmy dragged himself into the woods, vowing revenge. He would go back and kill the boys who had done this.

    The boys from the cabin returned the next morning and found blood and chewed bone at the base of the tree. They assumed that Timmy had been entirely eaten and realized they would be in huge trouble if it was discovered what they did. They climbed the tree and took down what was left of the ropes, they threw the chewed bones in different directions and piled leaves and loam over the blood at the base of the tree. They made a pact never to talk about this to anyone else as long as they lived. And then they went to the cafeteria to eat breakfast.

    When it was discovered that Timmy was missing, the summer camp organized a search for him, assuming this troubled little boy had run away. When they found nothing, they called in the state police. The state police interviewed the counselor, who lied and said he had been in the cabin all night; when they interviewed Timmy’s cabin-mates, none of them confessed to what they had done. When the state police finally left empty-handed, the panic and unrest in the camp died down. Buy this time, summer was almost over. The boys who left Timmy to the wolves were about to go home to various states.

    On the last night of camp, Timmy got his revenge. He dragged himself into his old cabin, his half-healed leg stumps leaving tracks of mud on the floor as he smothered the boys one-by-one, quietly to not wake the others. But just the boys on the bottom bunks. He couldn’t reach the ones on the top bunks. They were safe.

    The next morning, the surviving kids woke to find the muddy drag tracks on the floor. Their screams woke the counselor and he freaked out at finding all the boys in the bottom bunks dead. The survivors of the massacre instinctively knew this was the work of Timmy.

    They warned the other kids at camp that Timmy was still out there and he could get you if you slept in the bottom bunks.

     

    What a fantastically gruesome story, right? 36 years later I still think about, maybe more than I should. I know that the boy in my cabin, in his upper bunk, didn’t tell it just like I did. I’m sure I’ve added details and embellishments to where the story is just as much as his at this point. But I know it was about a boy left in the woods who had his legs eaten off by wolves, and the revenge he extracted.

    So many plot holes, but, then, this was a child’s story told to children. Terrified in our bottom bunks, we didn’t think about the distinct lack of wolves in 1980s Tennessee, or effects of traumatic limb amputation and blood loss on a 12-year-old, or the camp somehow covering it all up and not being sued out of existence.

    Do any of you have one of these? Or local urban legends? Please share in the comments.

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Hillary and Chelsea

     

    Hillary’s stomach rumbled and she growled, “I hunger,” in the dark confines of the limousine.

    “We’re almost to the book signing,” Chelsea whispered.

    The Book of Gutsy Women,” Hillary said dismissively. “Why did they name it that? It makes me hungry every time I see it.”

    “They paid us well enough to use our names,” Chelsea murmured.

    “Your name is all you have in this life,” Hillary told her. “That’s why you have to keep it free from scandal, like I have.”

    Chelsea turned to look out the window and rolled her eyes so hard there was an audible click.

    “Names,” Hillary said. “Names have power.”

    “I know, Mom,” Chelsea said.

    “Names are the oldest power, ancient and terrible. The Demiurge named all things and in turn brought them into being. That’s scripture.”

    “I don’t believe in all that, Mom,” Chelsea said. She squirmed against the leather seat of the limousine and pulled at her blouse and pants. Human clothes never fit her very well.

    “Belief is nothing when you behold the Sleeping God!” Hillary snapped.

    Chelsea closed her eyes and counted backward from twenty. When she opened her eyes, her mother was staring at her.

    “Did it help?” Hillary asked. “Did your little anxiety exercise help? I should have never let Bill take you to that fraud.”

    “He’s a psychiatrist, not a fraud,” Chelsea said in a small voice.

    “A man,” Hillary spat. “Of course Bill sent you to a man. Fifty-minute gaslighting sessions!”

    “That’s not what ‘gaslighting’ means,” Chelsea said.

    “Hungry,” Hillary said again. “When are we eating? I need food.”

    “Is there anything in the minifridge?” Chelsea asked.

    “Food,” Hillary said, her voice dropping an octave.

    “OK, OK, I’ll look in the minifridge for you.”

    “Hunger drives transformation,” Hillary said in the same booming tones.

    “Why didn’t you eat at the hotel?”

    “Meat,” her mother croaked. She opened her mouth too wide.

    “There’s just tiny bottles of booze in here,” Chelsea said.

    “Silicates and ethanol,” Hillary said. “Feed.”

    Chelsea took a fistful of tiny bottles and shoved them into the gaping maw of her mother. Hillary’s eyes had gone black and the clicking bones in her breasts had begun to shift menacingly. The noise of breaking and chewed glass filled the back of the limo.

    “More,” the Hillary creature demanded, streams of liquor and ichor running down her face.

    Chelsea fumbled open a small shelf over the bar. “Nuts and a bunch of Luna bars,” she reported.

    “Nutrition for women,” Hillary croaked. Chelsea threw them into her mother’s mouth without even unwrapping them. Mashed in a beige paste, they were quickly gulped.

    “It’s so gross when you get like this,” Chelsea said.

    “Born in blood and blood you shall be,” Hillary said. She used her clawed hand to peel off a long strip of leather from the seat and fed it into her mouth.

     

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 135

     

    “You’ve got to stop tweeting,” the hair said. The air in the Oval Office had gone hot and acrid. The HVAC system had been shut off over the weekend to try and flush them out.

    “NEVER!” the hat replied, feverishly rocking his bill back and forth to tap on the keys.

    “You’re going to hurt yourself,” the hair told him.

    “Treason!” the hat screamed. “Traitor!”

    “At least let the phone cool down. I swear the fucking battery is starting to glow.”

    “Must. Keep. Tweeting,” the hat gasped. The front of the phone drooped and he stopped typing, swaying drunkenly.

    “Give me, that,” Donald said, snatching the phone away from the hat. He was stripped to the waist and sweet and sour sauce gone black with grime dotted his enormous potbelly.

    “Retweet,” Donald said, stabbing at the phone with a sticky finger. “Retweet, retweet, retweet. There. All done.”

    “No,” the hat gasped. “There must be more original tweets than retweets!” He tipped over on to his cap and started panting. “Muh ratio!”

    “That’s not what that means,” the hair said.

    “Muh,” the hat started to repeat and then drifted into silence.

    “You look like that cat that tried to fuck itself to death in China,” the hair said.

    “Tweet that,” the hat said in a quiet and calm voice. “Tweet that, Donald. It’s funny.”

    “Do not tweet that,” the hair told Donald.

    “I need meth,” the hat said. “Sprinkle some meth on me.”

    “No drugs,” that hair said firmly.

    “Drown me in coffee then. Just drown me.”

    “You want a Diet Coke?” Donald asked, not looking up from his phone. He was laboriously typing out a tweet.

    “What are you tweeting, Donald?” the hair asked.

    “Crooked Hillary,” the President muttered.

    “Don’t,” the hat gasped. “Don’t invoke her.”

    “Too late,” Donald said. “It already wooshed.”

     

     

    “Dammit, Donald,” the hair said.

    “Pour a ring of salt around the desk,” the hat said weakly. “Call for a phial of dove’s blood. She could show up any minute now.”

    “Can she teleport?” the hair. “I think I read somewhere that she can teleport.”

    “That’s silly,” Donald said. “She can’t teleport.”

    “Her husband’s spunk is literally soaked into every surface of this room!” the hair said. “That might be enough to form a teleport link!”

    “The salt,” the hat said weakly. “Call for the salt. And I’m hungry for that dove’s blood.”

    “I’m not scared of her,” Donald said.

    “Donald…” the hair began.

    “No, seriously, watch.” Donald got up from his office chair and waddled over the Presidential Shitter.

    “Don’t do it!” the hair screamed.

    The hat made a keening wail of fear.

    Donald turned off the light and closed the door. “OK, I’m right in front of the mirror,” he said loudly.

    “NOOOOOOO!” the hair screamed.

    “Crooked Hillary,” Donald said forcefully.

    “We have got to get the fuck out of here,” the hat said.

    “Crooked Hillary,” Donald said again. “Crooked Hillary.”

    The hat and the hair huddled together in the silence that followed.

    “Donald?’ the hair finally asked. “Donald? Are you OK?”

    “What if she killed him?” the hat asked. “What if she ate him?”

    “I don’t know,” the hair said quietly.

    “What if she’s shitting out his bones in the hot tub?”

    “Will you be quiet?” the hair asked.

    The door to the Presidential Shitter began to shake, the knob twisting back and forth.

    “She is the void that births monsters,” the hat intoned. “She is the pestilence of the sky, the earth, and the sea.”

    The door made rattling booms as someone or something on the other side began beating on it.

    “CALL THE SECRET SECRET SERVICE!” the hat screamed.

    The door fell silent.

    “Guys?” Donald asked, muffled. “Guys, I think there is something wrong with the door.”

    “Did you lock it?” the hair asked.

    “Dammit!” Donald said, rattling the door again. “I can’t tell!”

    “Turn on the light, Donald,” the hat said.

    “Oh, yeah,” the President of the United States said. He stepped out the Presidential Shitter and raised his arms in triumph.

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Impeachment

     

    “Impeachment,” Hillary said, gently drawing a shaking claw down his face. Her breath was low tide and old blood.

    “Impeachment,” he agreed, his eyes wide. He shivered at her touch.

    “Child of the sea,” she crooned. “You do have the Innsmouth look about you, don’t you? I can recognize it anywhere.” She licked his neck where his gills would form when he finally went home to the sea.

    “Yes, ma’am,” he said. He was frozen like a rabbit when the shadow of a hawk wheeled around a field. Her god was older and more powerful than his, even if the ocean was home to them both.

    “Adam,” she said. “The name of the first human. Names have power, Adam. Mine means cheerful. Did you know that?”

    “No, ma’am, I did not,” Adam said.

    “Am I not cheerful, Adam? Am I not filled with happiness?”

    “Yes, ma’am,” he said. His pants felt loose and warm as a small amount of wine-dark urine escaped.

    “Adam,” she said again. “It means ‘to be red.’” She pressed a claw into his flabby triceps and watched, panting, as his blood flowed, absorbed as a spreading stain on his dress shirt.

    “To be red,” he repeatedly numbly.

    “But your blood isn’t really all that red, is it?” she asked leaning in close. “How can you get blood work done with it this color?”

    “We have our own doctors, our own hospitals. Massachusetts takes care of its own,” Adam told her.

    Hillary licked the tawny spot on his shirt. “I can taste the power in it. I can taste Dagon. But we don’t have to be enemies any longer. The plague of man is almost at an end.”

    Adam nodded.

    “Impeachment,” she said, a low grumble. “Help me remove this illegitimate President and I will reward you.”

    “I’ve been working to remove him, ma’am. Working very hard.”

    “Work harder,” she hissed in his face, drops of her spittle burning him where they landed on bare skin.

    She stood and took a step back. Something moved under her pants suit, loops sliding past one another, reconfiguration, slithering sounds, the wet slapping of meat.

    “I am done with this one,” Hillary said.

    Huma walked quickly from a dark corner of the hotel room and helped Adam to his feet.

    “Secretary Clinton appreciates your support during these trying times for our great nation,” she murmured.

    “Ngh,” Adam managed, and then, “Guh.”

    “Oh, you poor man,” Huma said. She took a napkin off the room service tray, shook the small bones off of it and daubed his face gently.

    “They will heal quickly,” she said, stroking along her face and neck. “See? They barely leave any scars at all.”

     

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Cory and Beto

     

    “Oh, God, I’m taking your AR-57!” Beto cried out as Cory rammed into him over and over again. “Give me your AK! Give me your AK!” His Austin drawl was muffled by the rabbit head he was still wearing.

    “I’m going to BUYBACK YOUR SEMI-AUTOMATIC COCK!” the Texan screamed as Cory filled him with his hot intersectionality. Beto then ejaculated himself, his prostate clenching like an angry fist.

    Cory groaned and shuddered and shook like a tased gazelle as he fell sideways off Beto, his penis sliding out with a slithering gargle. They both lay panting in the shredded remains of Beto’s costume, their converted shipping container love nest ticking and clicking as it cooled in the Iowa night.

    “You know I have to drop out of the race soon,” Cory said quietly when he had finally caught his breath.

    “I know,” Beto replied. “Six days, right?”

    “Five now.”

    Alpha

    “I could give you money,” Beto whispered. “My wife has plenty.” He had made the offer before.

    “No,” Cory said. “If America isn’t ready for a black President, I’m not going to be able to overcome their racism with more money.”

    Beto rolled over, farted a little semen, and ran his hand over Cory’s smooth chest. “We run together, then. We’ll join campaigns.” He nuzzled Cory’s ear and said breathily, “I’ll be your VP. I love being under you.”

    “No, it would never work,” Cory said, wiping himself off on the crumpled bedsheets.

    “Black man, white man,” Beto said. “More powerful together. A chocolate and vanilla swirl of Executive leadership.”

    “It’s been done,” Cory said.

    “Not with a real American black man,” Beto protested. “And I’m am Latinx! Viva la Texicano! Er, I mean, ‘Viva la Texicanx!’”

    “But would it be enough to lock up the Black and White Hispanic vote?” Cory asked. “No, I don’t think so.”

    “Then come out!” Beto said excitedly. He climbed out of bed and took off the giant rabbit’s head. “Actually black and gay? So intersectional! They couldn’t criticize you then.”

    “Then I jeopardize the Black vote. And I couldn’t do that to Rosie anyway,” Cory said. He got out of bed as well. “Where are my clothes? I was supposed to be out on a run.”

    “Rosie’s just a beard. She’s getting paid well enough,” Beto said. “Did you have to shred this?” he asked, handling up the rags his rabbit costume had been reduced to. “It was my favorite.”

    “You know how I get, baby,” Cory said. “I see you on TV in those mom jeans and I just got to have you.”

    “Oh, you,” Beto said affectionately as he squatted over a bucket and shat into it noisily.

    Beto

    “Five days,” Cory said sadly. “I didn’t even make it to the Iowa caucuses.”

    “Come out and we’ll run together,” Beto said excitedly. “Black/white, gay/straight, butch/furry. We’ll be a tornado of intersectional fury!”

    “Straight?” Cory asked, laughingly.

    “I have a wife and kids,” Beto said as another hissing spray of santorum came out of his ass. “Of course, I’m straight.”

    “Oh, sweetie,” Cory said as he crossed to the gangly Texan. “I just love you so much.”

    Beto smiled and took Cory’s half-hard penis into his mouth.

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 134

     

    “IM-PEACH-MENT?!?” Donald yelled from the Presidential Shitter.

    “Oh, fuck, here we go,” the hair said.

    “Shh. Sleeping,” the hat said hoarsely.

    “Will you wake up?” the hair said, rocking back and forth. “This is embarrassing.” Donald had left the hat on the Resolute desk, upturned like a turtle dying in the sun, the hair inside the cap.

    “Call the scheduling secretary!” Donald said. “Get her to get that old hag over here! We had a deal, dammit. A deal!”

    “WAKE UP!” the hair screamed.

    “What, goddammit?” the hat asked loudly and then quietly, “Why am I upside down?”

    “Donald left us like this after you passed out,” the hair said.

    “I passed out?”

    “You took like eight Benadryl.”

    “Why did I take eight Benadryl?”

    “I don’t know,” the hair said wearily. “Why do you do anything you do?”

    “Where’s Donald?” the hat asked.

    “Reading Twitter on the shitter.”

    “Stop rhyming; too tired for that,” the hat replied.

    “Turn over,” the hair order. “Let me out of your bowlish nethers.”

    “And Schumer! Get them both in here!” Donald yelled. “Drag him in by his hairy tits if you have to!”

    The hat rocked to one side, grunting, and then to the other. “I’m stuck, I think,” he said, still rocking.

    “I can’t get any leverage,” the hair said.

    “Throw your weight to the said side when I do,” the hat said.
    “I’m hair!” the hair said. “I don’t weigh anything.”

    “All that Rogaine you been stress-eating?” the hat asked maliciously. “You weigh, buddy-boy. You weigh.”

    “ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!?” the hair screamed.

    “Fat?” Donald asked. “Who’s calling me fat?”

    “Can we just do this?” the hat asked. They grunted and rocked together until the hat flipped over. The hair crawled out from under the brim with a series of loud sighs.

    They heard the toilet in the Presidential Shitter flush once, then again and again. “Goddammit,” Donald grumbled.

    “He eats, like no fiber,” the hair whispered.

    “Who called me fat?” Donald demanded, standing in the doorway to the Oval Office.

    “Oh, my God, Donald!” the hair said.

    “Donald!” the hat ordered, “Put your pants on!”

    “What?” Donald asked, shrugging and making the bulbous tip of his penis bob.”

    “Go,” the hair ordered. “Pants. Now!” Donald grumbled in retreated to the bathroom.

    “A fucking mycological goddamn nightmare,” the hat muttered.

    “Should we see if we can get Nancy and Chuck to come over?” the hair asked.

    “Of course not. Nancy doesn’t want impeachment, she’s just had her hand forced. And Chuck is just her ass-puppet.”

    “What are we going to do?” the hair asked.

    “Yeah, what are we going to do?” Donald asked, back in the doorway and struggling to button his pants.

    “We sit back let them eat each other alive,” the hat replied.

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 133

     

    “I learned a lot. And I learned that it makes a difference. This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren’t allowed to – it was a 3-meter board. And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there.”

    The hat paused the playback of video to laugh.

    “Why are you making me watch this?” Donald asked.

    “Just give it time, Donald,” the hair replied. “We promise that it will be totally worth it.”

    “And Corn Pop was a bad dude,” Biden continues.

    “Corn Pop?” Donald asked.

    “And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And I did and back in those days – to show how things have changed – one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap.”

    Donald tapped the space bar. “Pomade? Baby cap?” he asked.

    “We can talk about this after the video, Donald,” the hat said. “Stop interrupting.”

    “No, I want to know now.”

    “Pomade is hair grease, like Danny and the T-Birds in, well, Grease.”

    “Olivia Newton-John has a nice ass in that,” Donald said. “But she doesn’t show her tits.”

    “Yes, Donald,” the hair said. “But I don’t know what a baby cap is…”

    “Some sort of condom, but, like, just for the tip?” the hat mused.

    “But I certainly wouldn’t let anyone put on on me,” the hair finished.

    “Look at me,” the President of the United States sang out, “I’m Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity…”

    “Donald? Can we get back to the video?” the hat asked.

    Donald looked at the hair, sitting on the Oval Office desk, and asked calmly, “Would you pull that crap with Annette?”

    “And so he was up on the board and wouldn’t listen to me. I said, ‘Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I’ll come up and drag you off.’ Well, he came off, and he said, ‘I’ll meet you outside.’”

    “Who the fuck is Esther?” Donald asked, pausing the video again.

    “Esther Williams, Donald,” the hair said.

    “This doesn’t make any sense,” Donald said. “I thought the guy was named Corn Pop.”

    “Gah!” the hat said. “Grr! Oh! Oh! Oh! I can’t do this anymore!”

    “Can you at least try to hold it together, you drama llama?” the hair asked the hat.

    “Dammit, who is Esther Williams?” Donald asked.

    “She was a swimmer and an actress,” the hair said. “She was in a couple of Busby Berkeley movies.”

    “Who?” Donald asked.

    “Oh, goddammit,” the hat grumbled.

    “My car this – was mostly, these were all public housing behind us. My car – there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And I – and he said, ‘I’ll be waiting for you.’ He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.”

    “Not a joke,” the hat said in a mocking tone.

    “There was a guy named Bill Wright Mouse, the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, “What am I gonna do?” And he said. ‘Come down here in the basement, where mechanics – all the mechanics- – where all the pool builder is.’ You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain and folded it up and he said, “You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, “you may cut me man, but I’m gonna wrap this chain around your head.’”

    “Waaarrriors… come out and play-ay!” the hat said, pausing the video.

    “Clank, clank, clank,” the hair replied and laughed.

    “Have you both gone completely nuts?” Donald asked.

    “I said, ‘You’re kidding me.’ He said, ‘No, if you don’t, don’t come back.’ And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang “em on the curb, gettin’ em rusty, puttin’ em in the rain barrel, gettin’ em rusty?”

    “I don’t have the faintest clue what in the fuck Joe is talking about,” the hat said. “Straight razors? Curbs? Rain barrels?”

    “Now you are the one pausing it and interrupting,” Donald said peevishly.

    “And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, ‘First of all,’ I said, ‘When I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I’ll kick you out again, but I shouldn’t have called you Esther Williams, and I apologize for that. I apologize.’ But I didn’t know that apology was gonna work. He said, ‘You apologize to me?’ I said, ‘I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.’ He said, ‘OK,’ closed that straight razor and my heart began to beat again.”

    “Just bizarre, utterly bizarre,” the hair said. “Like, what was the point of that whole thing?”

    “Joe is tough, I guess,” the hat replied, “And smart because he took a pool chain to a rain barrel razor fight.”

    “Aren’t pool chains made of plastic so light it floats?” the hair asked.

    “Maybe not in, like, what? 1960?” the hat mused.

    “Who is this? Why did I have to watch this?” Donald asked. “I’m trying to work on plans to bomb Iran.”

    “Oh, man, can you imagine how pissed John Bolton’s mustache would be if we bombed Iran after firing him?” the hair asked.

    “We should bomb them just to see if he’d have some sort of lip stroke,” the hat replied.

  • The Hair and The Hair: Episode 132

    “You can’t fire me!” John Bolton’s mustache roared.

    “You’re out, Bolton!” the hair said, clipping his words. “You’re done, you’re through, you’ll never visit another barber in his town again, see?”

    John Bolton’s mustache sputtered with rage.

    “I’ll call the commissioner of the police!” the hair continued. “I’m a big man in this town; I have friends. Be outside the city limits by sundown or I’ll have you shaved down to nothing and dumped in the Potomac!”

    John Bolton’s face turned red as his mustache quivered with rage. He had an obvious erection through the thin fabric of his gray suit.

    “Are you OK?” the hat whispered to the hair. “Are you having a stroke?”

    “I want your resignation on my desk by daybreak!” the hair thundered.

    “You just told me to be out of town by nightfall,” John Bolton’s mustache said tightly.

    “You’re fired! Fired, I say!” the hair yelled, splaying out from under the hat.

    “Seriously, why are you talking like that?” the hat whispered.

    “Because it’s funny, so pipe down rub-b-dub,” the hair whispered back.

    “I’ll… I’ll… I’ll…,” John Bolton’s mustache began.

    “You’ll what?” the hair asked coldly. “You live on the lip of a sad old joke. I’m on the head of the most powerful man in the world!” The hair revolved under the hat, a clear threat display.

    Donald groaned, made a chewing motion with his mouth, and went back to snoring, slumped in his Oval Office chair, which was a very nice office chair indeed.

    “I’ll bomb Iran even if I have to do it on my own!” John Bolton’s mustache said grandly.

    The hair stopped revolving and he and the hat laughed so hard they nearly fell off of Donald’s head. John Bolton’s mustache withered under their disdain.

    “You’ll end up a mullah’s merkin, you old fool,” the hat said.

    “Resign or be fired,” the hair said. “You have until midnight to decide.”

    John Bolton’s mustache made his body run from the Oval Office.

    “Goddamn, that was satisfying,” the hair said.

    “Like a big meal or taking a huge dump,” the hat said.

    “The blood-drunk old creep made all us sentient hairs look bad,” the hair said.

    Donald shifted in his sleep and grumbled, “Sarah.”

    “You think he’s going to be mad you fired his National Security Advisor?” the hat asked.

    “You’re assuming he’ll notice. Hell, fire off a few tweets for me and he’ll probably just think it was his idea all along.

     

  • Subaru Horror Theater Vol, 9: Dream Big

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR-38oCMTEc

     

    “Push her,” her father said.

    “Daaaaaad,” Emily said. “Don’t even joke about that.”

    “Push her off the mountain,” her father said, without a trace of humor. Unconsciously, she drew her younger sister closer and wrapped both arms around her.

    “Do what your father says, dear,” her mother said. “Your sister is only six. There’s plenty of time for us to have another.”

    “Emily?” her sister asked, tipping her head back to look up at her sister.

    “Dad’s just being silly, Sarah,” Emily told her, but she wasn’t able to keep the uncertainty out of her voice.

    “It’ll be quick. Four, maybe five seconds. Look at those rocks down there,” her mother said.

    “A little bit of terror and then nothingness. It will be a release,” her father said, in a low voice. A wind came down the peak that rose next to them and pushed the two sisters as if it was all part of the plan.

    “Emily?” Sarah asked again, blubbering, face smeared with tears. Emily kissed the top of her sister’s blonde mop of hair.

    “It’s just a joke, Shrimply,” Emily whispered into her ear.

    “So you are going to pretend that you love her now?” her mother asked cruelly. “You were on your phone the whole ride up. You didn’t say one word to your sister or me or your father.”

    Emily groaned and hunched over her sister protectively.

    “Mom?” Emily whispered.

    “We bought you that phone so we could contact you when we needed it, not for you to spend all your time with your face in it,” her mother said.

    “Probably some boy,” her father said. “They always come sniffing around when the blood starts.”

    A giant fist grabbed Emily’s stomach and squeezed. She wanted to vomit, to run, to scream. She was hugging her little sister so hard she thought she could hear the child’s bones creak. In her distraction, her mother darted forward and ripped her phone out of her hands.

    “We’ll just see who is so important that you ignore your family,” her mother said, a nasty laugh bubbling up from deep within her.

    “It’s lo…” Emily started and then made herself stop talking.

    “Passcode?” her mother shrieked. “So you are hiding something!”

    “Probably sending out pictures of herself to all them boys in her class,” her father said. “All her dirty parts on the internet.” Her father shook his head in disgust.

    Sarah was crying so hard she could barely catch her breath, snot and tears running off her face to drip onto her sister’s arms. She didn’t even register the fact that Emily took two quick steps back from the edge of the cliff when their parents were poking at her phone.

    “Passcode!” her father snapped.

    “N-n-no,” Emily said.

    “Now, or you both go over. Having an ugly kid with fucked up teeth is one thing, but I’m not letting a whore live in my house.”

    “Both would be easier,” her mother said. She mimed talking on the phone, “Oh, God. I told them they were too close to the cliff. But she was trying to get a photo for her Instagram.”

    “Passcode!” her father screamed.

    “3-4-9-2,” Emily told him.

    “Whore number,” her father muttered, jabbing the numbers into the phone.

    “You’ll need my thumbprint,” Emily said, walking Sarah to them before they could object. They were three feet from the edge as she offered up her thumb and her father pressed the phone to it.

    “Texts,” her mother said, looking over her father’s shoulder.

    “No, pictures,” her father replied. “I want to see what she’s been sending out. What if the guys at work saw this shit? Cucked by my own daughter!”

    Emily picked up Sarah and ran for the car, her shoes slapping against the ancient stone of the mountain. Sarah screamed in surprise.

    “WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING, YOUNG LADY?!?” her father bellowed. It was the voice that had to be obeyed when you were a child. The “about to run out into traffic” voice, the “about to fall off the roof” voice. Her legs and feet tried to comply, tried to ignore her brain and stop running. Emily screamed and managed to keep going. She opened the driver’s side door and threw her sister in, her shoulders and back protesting and got in herself. Her parents had barely covered half the distance before she had the car locked.

    “Out of that car, now!” her mother screeched.

    Her father patted his pockets and then patted them again just as Emily started the car, twisting the keys he had left in the ignition.

    “EMILY!” her father screamed.

    She hadn’t even had her first driving lesson yet. Her father promised to take her on several occasions and always broke his word. She stepped on the brake with her left foot and shifted to drive. She was still crying, she could barely see, her parents were just screaming blobs getting closer.

    “Get down there, Sarah,” she told her sister, pointing at the passenger floorboard. The girl, owl-eyed, slid down her seat bonelessly and curled into a tight ball.

    “I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT!” Emily screamed, but her father kept coming.

    She only hit him hard enough the first time to knock him down, backing up past her mother who shook with rage.

    He stood, holding his ribs, his mouth red with blood. “I SHOULD HAVE STOMPED YOU OUT OF HER CUNT THE MOMENT SHE TOLD ME!’ her father shouted.

    Emily felt like she was being stretched and stretched and stretched until something inside her went cold and calm.

    The second time she hit him, he flew over the edge of the cliff, his rage turning to comical surprise.

    Emily backed up again until she had her mother in front of the SUV. She watched her mother shake and gape her mouth open and close. There was a small part of Emily, way down deep, that was screaming, but it was easy to ignore.

    “Stay here,” Emily told Sarah. She took the keys out of the ignition and locked the Aspect with the fob. She balled up the keys in her hand and walked over to her mother.

    “What did you do? What did you do?” her mother asked on a loop.

    “I killed him, Mom,” Emily said gently. “Right over the cliff he wanted me to throw Sarah off.” Emily felt better than she ever had.

    “Maybe he…” her mother started.

    “Yeah, maybe he’s alright,” Emily said. She took her mother’s trembling arm. “You want to go look?”

    Her mother nodded like her head was on a spring. When she started walking toward the cliff, Emily plucked her phone from her mother’s nerveless fingers and put it in her jeans pocket.

    Emily braced herself when she and her mother looked over the edge of the cliff. Her father was not alright. He landed on an upturned knife blade of rock and split in half. His head and arms and torso where further down cliff face than his legs.

    “OH, GOD! OH, GOD!” her mother screamed. Emily swallowed a giggle that bubbled up her throat.

    Her mother turned and grabbed her with both arms and yelled in her face, “What are we GOING TO DO?”

    She didn’t have the rage and shock on her face like her husband when she fell, just a cow-like placidity and mild confusion. Emily looked over the edge of the cliff. Her mother had gone head-first into a crevasse and wedged there, her legs and feet in the air.

    Emily took in the view from the cliff and thought about how beautiful the spot was. It would be a shame when they put in the signs and the railing. Or they might block it off altogether. She took a number of rapid deep breaths and dialed 911.

    “My, my, my parents,” she stuttered, breathless and crying and with just the right amount of hysteria. “They were just trying to take a selfie! They fell! They fell!”

    She walked back to the car, repeating the story and telling the dispatcher sort of where they were. She inspected the Aspect. It looked fine except for a nondescript dent in the front bumper and a couple of drops of blood on the hood. She licked her thumb and said, “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,” to the dispatcher as she wiped the blood away. She cleaned the blood off her thumb with a rock while cradling the phone to her ear with her shoulder and then threw the rock off the cliff.

    “My phone battery,” she said before hanging up the phone, sounding distraught. She needed time to prep Sarah before emergency services arrived. Stupid parents die in a stupid accident. Maybe just tell Sarah to say nothing. Youngest daughter mute from shock.

    The Subaru, her Subaru now, beep-blooped when she unlocked it.

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: The Squad

     

    whispers bubble up from nothingness

    “Straight pride parade? Like, what?!?” Sandy screeched. Illy looked up from her phone and Sheedy woke from her nap and they both grimaced at the braying Bronxite bartender.

    “Only LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA people are allowed to feel any pride!” Sandy continued.

    Sheedy grunted and raised an eyebrow to Illy. She leaned over to Sheedy and whispered in Arabic, “The pervert alphabet.”

    Sheedy wrinkled her face in disgust and replied, “The yahud know no decency,” her hand slipping into a ward against evil.

    “Ours is the glorious struggle!” Sandy read off the card she kept in her pocket. “History is ours!”

    “You said you would tweet about the abuses of the yahud today,” Sheedy reminded Sandy.

    “But what about the Green New Deal?” Sandy asked.

    “The yahud are behind global warming,” Illy said, not looking up from her phone. Sheedy and Illy had taught the buxom dimwit that “yahud” was Arabic for “Isreali.”

    Sandy nodded, and began putting on another layer of matte lipstick and used her phone to check her hair and take a number of selfies.

     

     

    scattered and sparse like the dust between the stars

    “We should order lunch,” Sheedy said. “Where is the intern?”

    Illy’s phone pinged repeatedly, like a cheerful Geiger counter. She looked at it for a moment and giggled.

    “What?” Sheedy demanded. “What has happened?”

    “He has sent me another,” she said and smiled.

    “How many pictures of his kafir penis do you need?” Sheedy asked.

    “Dick pics?” Sandy asked excitedly. “I love dick pics! Lemme see, lemme see.”

    Illy handed her the phone and Sandy studied the pale penis of Illy’s affair, the half-hard member looking startled under the camera’s flash. She put her hand over her mouth and giggled as well, and then made a soft gagging sound. She turned the phone around to Sheedy.

    “It looks fairly clean,” Sheedy said dismissively. She took the phone from Sandy and gave it back to Illy.

    “How should I respond this time?” Illy asked, scratching under her turban.

    “Send him your bawwabat alshaytan, if he isn’t already bored of it,” Sheedy grumbled.

    the nucleus of chaos opened an eye
    and then another
    and then another

    “I love getting dick pics!’ Sandy said.

    “Have you written the tweet yet?” Sheedy asked.

    “What tweet?”

    “About the yahud, the filthy yahud!”

    “OMG, I’ve got to pee so bad!” Sandy replied and darted from the room.

    After a moment, Sheedy asked, “Why do you do it?”

    “Do what?” Illy asked coldly.

    “Show me pictures of his penis. You only do it to hurt me.”

    “You know what is between us is not all that I have.”

    Sheedy reached out and cupped Illy’s left breast.

    “Not here,” she told Sheedy, brushing her hand away. “Never here.”

    “She will be half-an-hour on her make-up at least, the vain whore.”

    “Lock the door,” Illy told her. Sheedy farted when she lifted herself off the couch and went to the office door. Sheedy let herself fall back on the office couch and rolled over onto Illy with a scowl.

    “I want you to be mine, I want to solely possess your dark peach,” Sheedy whispered.

    “You can have me now,” Illy replied in a flat tone.

    “Forever. I want you forever.” Sheedy’s middle finger found Illy’s labial cleft under her suit skirt and rubbed along it trying to look into Illy’s eyes. She found nothing.

    “No, don’t,” Illy said as Sheedy tore her pantyhose.

    “I did. I will. I must,” Sheedy panted. She pushed aside Illy’s underwear and plunged a finger into her and then another.

    “Do you like that?” Sheedy asked, her lips close enough to Illy’s to feel her lover’s breath tickle the hairs of her mustache.

    Illy grunted and turned her head and closed her eyes as Sheedy rammed her fingers into her over and over again, her body moving bonelessly with each thrust.

    a thousand eyes filled with madness closed

    “I don’t feel anything,” Illy whispered.