Glibertarians.com 2019 Archive

Author: mexican sharpshooter

  • ¡Nochevieja enlaces mexicanos!

    ¡Buenos días Gliberinos! Sloopy had to go on a short trip. Hopefully it is as lucrative as he made it sound yesterday.  I’m sure Sloopy is fine.

     

    “Buenas tardes Señor Sloopy. Yo tengo un trabajo para usted.” Don Brett preguntó.

    “A job? I am all for jobs, what does the job entail?” Sloopy answered.

    ¡Es una buena idea!

    “Necesito que vueles con mi piloto, Murdock. Presente este manifiesto al inspector cuando aterrice.” Don Brett respondió.

    “Murdock? You sure that is a good idea?

    “Por supuesto, estoy seguro, pues.”

    “Oh, well…he looks a bit short bus IYKWIM.”

    “Solo dale al inspector este manifiesto cuando aterrices. Si tiene preguntas para usted, entréguele este sobre.”

    “Whoa now, slow downo my Espanyolo is not so bueno.”

    “Este sobre tiene su compensación y la de Murdock. No es mi problema lo que haces después de aterrizar. Murdock volará de regreso a Tampastan una vez que se entregue el paquete.”

    “Murdock is doing what now?”

    “Está volando a Tampastan.”

    “There’s a volcano in Tampa?”

    “¡Sube al avion!”

    ___

    “You know, you’re not nearly the nut they make you out to be. In fact you haven’t really said anything at all.” Sloopy said, trying to end the awkward silence.

    [[Cue music]]

    “Do you hear that?” Sloopy asked.

    [[Stares in Murdock]]

    “Yeah, I can stare without blinking too. I give news to aspies as a hobby.”

    [[Staring intensifies]]

    “Shouldn’t you be flying the plane?”

    [[More staring]]

    “I take back everything I said about you not being a nut.”

    “WOLVERINES!!!!!” Murdock yelled.

    Murdock then donned a parachute, and jumped out of the plane….

     

    I’m sure Sloopy is fine.

    …and now for the news.

    Archeologists discover a new (to them anyway) Mayan ruin on the Yucatan.

    Don Brett will be making even more off sales of cocaine.

    Cuban entrepreneurs create a ride share app called, “Sube” with the expectation US tourists would download and use it. I’m not sure people are actually using it.

    21 people were killed in a bus crash in Guatemala.

    What are the chances they shift the narrative to Venezuelan collusion?

    Here’s a tune sure to aggravate everyone.  Well, not really.

     

     

  • Hi. I em Inga from Sveeden!

    Christmas is over, thankfully.  Which means December’s theme of our thought experiment on Christmas movies must be over right?

    Right?

    This in my review of Weihenstephaner Korbinian Double Bock.

    The problem with Christmas movies is a lot of people make the mistake of assuming a movie is a Christmas movie simply because it takes place during the Christmas season.  Which is how we get articles such as these explaining why Lethal Weapon is a Christmas movie now.  There is nothing wrong with watching it in order to celebrate your preferred winter solstice holiday, however I personally don’t think it is a holiday movie.  The article’s author seems to focus on red imagery in the background, like fire trucks, clothing, and Rigg’s red ear protection at the shooting range (they aren’t headphones…way to journo there journo-person).  All of which seems coincidental if anything.  Rigg’s suicidal tendencies and reckless behavior aren’t driven by Christmas either, they’re driven by him being a widower and PTSD from Vietnam.  Anybody spending any meaningful time around combat Vets knows they contemplate suicide on any given day, triggered by even the most innocuous of things…Finally, the time of year is not integral to the plot the way it is in Die Hard.

    Similar to how Trading Places is not a Christmas movie.  I would however argue it is a New Years movie, primarily because New Years is supposed to be a time of self-reflection and new beginnings.  Something every character experiences in this film.

    In this classic comedy we find Randolph and Mortimer Duke, two multi-millionaire owners of a Philadelphia based commodity exchange, who constantly get into petty squabbles between each other. This one in particular is a Nature vs. Nurture (pardon the shaky cam) argument, where they propose a practical experiment with a small wager.  They take one of their employees, Louis Winthorpe (Dan Akroyd) and switch his place in the world by ruining his life.  They find a reason to fire him to take away his livelihood, evict him from his Duke brother-owned home, frame him as a petty thief at his gentleman’s club to take away his social circle, and frame him for drug possession which leads to an arrest with the kicker of sending a hooker (Jamie Lee Curtis) to pick him up from jail when his fiancée arrives to bail him out.  His life is ruined in short order, and the hooker, Ophelia, is the only person willing to assist him. In exchange, they find Billy Rae Valentine (Eddie Murphy), a street hustler/con-artist whom the Duke’s met previously.  They hire him, give him basic instructions on how to do Winthorpe’s job, and give him Winthorpe’s old home.  Both men know nothing of the experiment, nor do they know anything other than their own experiences at opposing ends of the social hierarchy.

    The result?  Valentine makes the Dukes a fair payday with his reasoning for setting the price on pork belly and impresses them with his diligence and eagerness to learn, while Winthorpe attempts to frame Valentine for drug use at the Duke’s Christmas party.  Neither man however is truly changed as Winthorpe steals, of all things, a smoked salmon (these are not cheap) from the party, and Valentine pockets a joint from Winthorpe’s stash.

    Valentine overhears the Dukes discussing their experiment.  Where they effectively ruin one privileged man’s life turning him into a petty criminal, and turn an unprivileged man’s life of destitute into one of prosperity—within a few weeks time.  People are essentially products of their environment, and the Duke brothers agree success has little to do with pedigree.  The Dukes decide they have little use for either man, plan to eventually fire Valentine, and leave Winthorpe in his personal Hell.  They settle their wager of…

    …$1.

    Valentine informs Winthorpe of the plot, and with the aid of Ophelia and Winthorpe’s old butler they plot revenge on the Dukes.  They learn the Dukes are expecting a report on that year’s orange harvest and with that information plan to adjust their investments to corner the market on orange futures ahead of the report’s release.  They also learn the report is on a train to New York with the Duke’s associate on New Year’s Eve.  They subdue the associate, and replace the real report with a fake one.

    Then they go to the New York Stock Exchange with the report in hand and short orange commodity futures ahead of the report’s release.  The Dukes on the other hand with the false report took the opposite approach, purchased orange futures with the expectations prices will rise and were ruined in the process.  After the market closed, Winthorpe and Valentine make a scene on the trading floor mocking the Dukes by settling a bet they can get rich making two really rich guys poor, in the amount of…

    …$1.

    ::Insert STEVE SMITH joke here. By insert, mean…ah, screw it::

    Can this movie be made again?  Not without insufferable social commentary at every corner.  If somebody makes this again, they have an obvious analogue with the Dukes being the Koch brothers.  They have an obvious place to add in soliloquies on privilege, capitalism, Al Franken, race, poverty, feminism, the N-word, butlers, illicit drug use, operas, suicide, manicures, sex workers, black markets, blackface, on-screen nudity, and being raped by a gorilla.

    Yeah…about that last part.  The funniest parts of this movie are on the train on New Years Eve, and is almost entirely humor playing on racial and ethnic stereotypes.  Not to mention a man being raped by a gorilla.  I refuse to speculate on how they can update this movie, because I refuse to give idiots stupid ideas.

    They don’t need my help.

     

    This beer is not Swedish, but we all knew that.  It is a Doppelbock which is a dark German lager.  It is rather nice and made in the manner which we all expect from people that are not Swedish.  This is a family friendly site, so I am afraid this is the best I can do.

    Happy New Year.  Weihenstephaner Korbinian Double Bock:  3.8/5

  • Buffalo Gal Won’t You Come Out Tonight?

    Continuing with our epic journey through the war on Christmas; the last Christmas movie I think needs to be discussed is the Jimmy Stewart classic, Its a Wonderful Life.

    This is my review of Guinness Over the Moon Milk Stout

    In this movie we find the protagonist, George Bailey takes over the family business, a small Savings and Loan in his hometown of Bedford Falls.  We learn a lot about George personally in the beginning of the movie:  Why he was deferred from serving in World War 2, how he met his wife, and his overall outlook on matters related to his family business.  We find out fairly early in the movie about, Mr. Potter, the antagonist as well.  Mr. Potter is major a shareholder in the Savings and Loan.  He voices his opinion during a board meeting regarding the “rabble” in the town that triggers George.  The idea that people should save before trying to purchase a home is apparently evil and issuing sub-prime loans to workers that may or may not be able to afford to pay back the loan is as pure as the driven snow.

    We find out later, during the depression both men were the only ones in town with businesses that survived.  For the most part, Potter is portrayed as a caricature of a greedy, monocle twirling capitalist.  I might even go so far as to say he probably fits in around here.  Eventually, Potter discovers somehow Bailey’s Savings and Loan is still afloat in spite of questionable lending practices and alarming issues with his book keeping, but is the only real competition Potter has.  That is, if you want to define Bailey as a competitor…after all, Potter is a member of the board.  So he tried to do the sensible thing, and buy out Bailey.

    Later Bailey’s uncle, Billy, loses a large deposit which is seriously troubling because it is potentially ruinous to their business.  It is also a seemingly small amount for a mortgage lender of only $8000 (~$110,000 today), and he is depositing it in Potter’s bank (really?).  Bailey then goes to the only person in town that can save him—Potter.  It is here that Potter learns the $8000 in cash he randomly found in his bank earlier that day was Bailey’s.  For better or worse, he tells Bailey to pound sand.

    Bailey falls into a drunken depression, and considers suicide but is sidetracked by a stranger, whom he saves from his own death in an icy river.  Remember–Bailey is not a shady businessman and is supposed to be the good guy.  This random stranger is an angel (in training) named Clarence, that shows Bailey what the world is like without Bailey.  People he saved by telling the pharmacist he filled the prescription with the wrong drug, pulling his brother from the ice in a frozen lake, who goes on to save other servicemen in the war, etc, is the impact Bailey made.  This part in itself actually is a good message:  one person (all of us, really) can impact the world in a variety of ways, with an infinite number of possibilities—it is up to you to make that impact positive.

    Hopefully your impact is not crashing the economy through sub-prime lending.

    Can this movie be made again today?  I am here to tell you, if this movie is made again today it will be labeled by right leaning media as socialist or anti-capitalist propaganda–because it already is.  Every speech Bailey makes, including the times he needs to weasel his way out of satisfying his customers is a smear on Potter.  While Potter may be a cold-hearted businessman, portraying him as a villain is unfair.  Others previously made a similar argument in pointing out that Potter is the only honest businessman in this story.  His frequent complaints about the savings and loan can be argued are in his interests as an investor; how he insisted on customers having adequate collateral before approving loans supports this point.  Even offering to buy out a large percentage (50%) of customer accounts when Bailey was unable to cash out his customers and offer full payment in 60 days, does not lend itself to the idea Potter is a villian.  The only real crime Potter did was keep the money, but even there he comes across it by accident and only learns who left it in the scene where Bailey asks him for a bailout.  He didn’t intentionally steal it.  Given the issues Bailey has caused Potter over the years, is keeping that part a secret in that moment as unethical as it sounds?  Is calling the banking authorities unethical, when bailing out Bailey would make him complicit in the scheme?  He could have easily had a change of heart and deposited the money into Bailey’s account the next day, but we will never know.

    Bailey’s business model is selling subprime loans; 2008 is still in the memories of many today. Which means neither of the characters can be reasonably portrayed as a protagonist.  The honest businessman is a greedy capitalist who wants to own the entire town, and the other is a grifter selling loans to people that cannot afford to pay them back.  In this theoretical new version will Bailey see all the people he gave loans to are living in a rental home or an apartment and not in bankruptcy had he never been born?  So he has a change of heart and goes back to the universe where he likely ruins the entire town (Potter included) when those mortgages default?

    Because why the hell not?

    Clarence is gone, unless he’s replaced by a wizard of some kind, played by Oprah Winfrey. According to lore, they thought the movie was too religious…in 1946, which is why they went with singing Auld Lang Syne instead of an actual Christmas song in the final scene.  Plus, there are feminist complaints when they show what happens to Bailey’s wife had George never been born (old maid).  Bailey’s wife will necessarily have to be more successful as a single woman for whatever reason they want to come up with.  Bailey is just holding her back by marrying her and letting him focus on his career.

    This movie cannot be made again.

     

    Didn’t I already review this one?  Sort of.  This is similar but not quite identical to a Guinness varietal that I found at the Dublin airport and packed away to save for the end of my self-imposed temperance.  This is a little more like the Extra Stout made in Canada and imported to the US, but it is not as harsh with the burned malt flavors.  It splits the difference between those two but it is otherwise solid.  Then there is the part where it is brewed in Baltimore.  Just do what I did and pour it through a colander, into another vessel to make sure there are no empty .40 S&W cartridges, syringes, or shards of broken glass.  You should be good to go.  Guinness Over the Moon Milk Stout 3.5/5

  • Thursday morning “damnit I am making breakfast here” links

    Dear reader,

    Due to a slight mishap involving heavy drinking, and choosing between watching a recording of the Survivor Finale or Impeachment Hysteria…I picked drinking.

    Signed, 

    Sorry about that.

    Links for today…well, who cares about anything else, really.  Its pretty much what you will talk about anyways.  Its all going according to plan.

    If you did need something else to chat about I have this.  Give me your best insult along the following parameters:

    •  Cannot contain any of George Carlin’s forbidden words.
    •  No racial, ethnic, or sexual epithets.
    • Thats it.  No swearing, no calling somebody an Indio.

    Example:  You are the damp and dirty washcloth I toss in the hotel trashcan out of respect for the housekeeper’s humanity.

  • ¡Enlaces mexicanos por la mañana de miércoles!

    Buenos dias Gliberinos, on yet another fine Wednesday morning!  Let’s get right to the links shall we?

    Here’s a fun travel warning:  Dengue fever.  Make sure you wear your DEET if you are traveling.

    Venezuela predicted to be the worst humanitarian crisis for 2020–and apparently the most underfunded.  Perhaps their leader’s shouldn’t have spent the last 20 years telling everyone how much they suck and cozying up to Cuba?  I don’t know.  Screw them, and let them figure out their way out of this hole.

    BBC:  “How dangerous is Mexico“?  Argentina:  “Mexico?  Pffft, hold my beer.”

    I’m sure if the media actually covered him with some honesty and not as a caricature of a right wing ogre, I’d probably find a reason to hate him.  As it turns out, the media only seems to cover Brazilian Trump as some kind caricature of right-wing ogre, so once again I am stuck saying something silly like, “I like this guy.”

    A not completely stupid analysis of why it sucks in Latin America from CNN.

    A nice analysis of Argentina continuing to not have any plan to get themselves out of the same hole they’ve been stuck in since…forever.

    Less crime in spite of more guns sold?  Who knew?

    Music selection is somebody I’ve never heard of featuring that guy from Godsmack.  Not bad, not bad at all.

    Now get out there and make Wednesday your bitch.

     

  • Shoot. The. Glass.

    To continue on with December’s theme of determining if our favorite holiday movies can be made again today or are just products if their time.  We will take a look at a, shall we say, unconventional Christmas Movie.

    This is my review of Epic Brewery Big Bad Baptist Imperial Stout.

    Don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?  A few of you already got into this one and confirmed my biases in the subject.

    As an aside, never make a bet at a bar.  It either results in you losing all your money, your clothes, or the bar having to call Security Forces in to haul you back to Hurlburt Field.  Sometimes all three.

    Die Hard is indeed a Christmas movie.  The movie is about a guy visiting his wife for the holidays.  She was a career woman working for a Japanese company, both of which was something somewhat new for the time. She also lived in another city as a result of her having a career.  He planned to meet his wife during the office Christmas party, scheduled on Christmas Eve.

    …Of course the twist is the building is taken over by a small group of heavily armed, East German terrorists led by Hans Grüber.  They hold everyone in the building hostage in exchange for the release their comrades in arms from various prisons across the world, the “Asian Dawn,” and access codes to a enormous safe holding cash bonds.

    …the other twist is the aforementioned guy visiting his wife is Detective John McClaine, NYPD.  While he showed up with what was then the latest and greatest in concealed carry (Beretta Model 92), he now has a machine gun.

    HO HO HO

    Yippee Kai Yay…and hilarity ensues.

    The tricky part is if this can be made again today, and the answer in my opinion is:  maybe.

    It really can’t be the same movie because trends in world events would probably have to be updated to match the times.  The company would have to be Chinese since they are the new Japanese, buying up all of America.  Although the name of the building  Nakatomi Plaza could stay the same.

    McClaine’s pistol will have to be updated to a Glock, obviously.  He would also have to be played by a person of color, or maybe even somebody with an accent.  Idris Elba checks both boxes but Liam Niesen is acceptable.  Prisoner exchange is also a likely motive behind taking hostages, but nobody really has bonds printed directly on paper anymore, nor is such a massive safe necessary to secure them.  Just demand a transfer of cryptocurrency from the Chinese.

    Where it gets dicey are the terrorists.  During the Cold War, there were a number of communist guerrilla groups that provided an easy background on the villains.  Being they are terrorists the easy update is to make them some flavor of Islamic terrorists.  That however is  politically incorrect because #notallmuslims.  In addition, there are not very many examples of movies with the villains being part of an Islamic terrorist group post 9/11.  True Lies, and The Siege were both released in the 1990’s.  Post 9/11, only war movies set in Iraq or Afghanistan, four hour long Clint Eastwood-backed drudgery, and a handful of TV shows that came out with both wars as a background feature Islamic terrorists—out of necessity.  Uhygurs are certainly a bridge to far, given the how often movies are funded by Chinese interests these days.  North Koreans and/or Cubans are a stretch.

    Which leaves White Nationalists as the only acceptable villain group.  This is convenient, given their leader can still be named Hans.

    Honorable Mentions:

    Jingle All the Way:  A man played by Arnold Schwarzenegger attempts to buy his son THE TOY OF THE YEAR…on Christmas Eve.  Which is silly, because he can just buy it on Amazon today, and have it delivered by Tuesday.  Plus, in one scene he impersonates a cop, which makes this a total no-go.

    The Santa Clause:  A man played by Tim Allen inadvertently kills Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, dons his coat and becomes the new Santa Claus.  Unfortunately, this requires Tim Allen to seek penance for the sins of being both funny, and traditionally male.  Sadly he won’t do it, nor would they forgive him anyways.  Like the other film mentioned, fatherhood is a dominant theme that nobody wants to portray in a positive manner.  The title is a pun; a legal pun.  Swiss would narrow gaze on a biblical proportion in response.

     

    This beer is made in Utah.  I want to make this clear, for everybody that wants to piss all over Utah for their association with weirdo religions, this beer is made in Utah…but it is illegal to sell there outside of a couple state run stores.  Which is fine, because that leaves an awful lot more for me.  Lots of roasted coffee notes, with a blast of whiskey.  It does the job exceptionally well.  Epic Brewery Big Bad Baptist Imperial Stout:  4.1/5.

  • ¡El viernes trece enlaces mexicanos!

    ¡Buenos dias Gliberinos!  Feliz viernes trece, y buenos suertes con los gatos negros…..muwahahahaha…

     

    The Chilean C-130 plane bound for Antarctica has been located.  Coincidentally, there are no communist dissidents among the survivors.

    What?

    In better news, Cuba had a disappointing year in tourism.   Apparently, few people want to visit a socialist hellhole.

    The Pentagon is investigating a contract award for parts of “the wall” built by a contractor openly endorsed by the president. I’m sure its its as squeaky clean as Halliburton.

    In other news, Mexicans don’t like artwork depicting revolutionary heroes as gay.

    A painting showing Mexican Revolution hero Emiliano Zapata nude and in an effeminate pose has drawn the ire of some of Zapata’s descendants and led about 100 farmers to block the entrance to the building where it was on display Tuesday.

    The painting depicts a nude Zapata wearing high heels and a pink, broad-brimmed hat, straddling a horse.

    Zapata’s grandson said Monday the painting should be removed or descendants would sue.

    “We are not going to allow this,” said Jorge Zapata Gonzalez. “For us as relatives, this denigrates the figure of our general (Zapata), depicting him as gay.”

    Determine this one on your own.

    Argentina follows their timeless tradition of kinda sorta providing asylum for assholes.

     

    Sloopy requested today’s  music selection start with the letter M.  I did not ask why.  I did not think this was an unreasonable request, nor did I clear it with him beforehand.  So today you get the (((Reggae guy))), Matisyahu.

     

  • ¡Martes por la tarde enlaces mexicanos!

    ¡Buenos tardes Gliberinos!

    Lots of fun stuff happening today between impeachment, porn staches, and such, but I’m going to do what I always do and give you news from the south.

    The house took a break from staging a coup correcting the election impeachment circus kabuki theater inquiry and passed something resembling the USMCA.  I particularly liked how Pelosi took credit for a negotiated agreement between foreign countries, because that’s in the job description for a congrexperson.

    ¡Pongamos a estos comunistas en hielo!

    A Chilean C-130 disappeared on the way to Antarctica.  What do you want, a Bolivia joke, Mad Dog Murdock, Aliens? …nah. There is no indication the plane was filled with Communist dissidents.

    Brazilian culture official says rock music leads to abortions.

    Shootout near Mexico’s presidential residence.  Good thing Mexico outlawed guns amirite?

    A fun piece about a Citgo executives detained in Venezuela.  Their first mistake, clearly was working in Venezuela.

    The six men were arrested just before Thanksgiving in 2017. They had been called for a last-minute meeting in Venezuela. Once in the conference room at the PDVSA headquarters in Caracas, armed, masked security agents arrested the men.

    The families were perplexed when they learned about the arrest after Venezuela’s chief prosecutor announced it during a press conference.

    Since their arrest, the men had been held in the basement of Venezuela’s military counterintelligence agency under conditions that relatives have described as human rights violations. At one point, 60 people shared a space meant for 22, lights were kept on 24 hours a day and they were allowed outdoors for 20 minutes every six to eight weeks.

    I think today is a Breaking Benjamin kind of day. I can’t remember if I linked this one before, I dunno.

  • Nobody Wants a Charlie in the Box

    It’s the time of year again, when all those old holiday movies start showing up in the streaming service, or if you are a boomer, on TV.  Sadly, most of these movies can be argued are products of their time.

    Or are they?

    For the month of December I asked for assistance from TPTB to put together a coherent string of random thoughts, take a few bong hits postulate which of the classic Christmas movies can actually be made today.

    This is my review of Campanology Brewing Chocolate Babka Stout

    Today, we look at Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  This stop motion animated classic begins with the narrator, a snowman voiced by Burl Ives, tells us a story of the most famous reindeer of all.  He takes us to the beginning of the story where Santa’s reindeer, Donner, meets his son Rudolph…who has a red nose.  You could even say it glows; you could say that because it does in fact glow.  It blinds everyone that looks into it directly, making it rather dangerous.  Donner believes this is a problem and decides to put a cap over Rudolph’s nose to prevent others from ostracizing Rudolph, making it more likely they invite him to join in their reindeer games.

    Later we meet Hermey the elf.  Hermey is one of Santa’s elves, but does not like to make toys.  He want’s to be a dentist.  This proves to be an issue with his supervisor, who naturally wants him to do his job, which does not involve being a dentist.

    In later scenes Rudolph’s nose cap falls off while playing reindeer games in an effort to impress a doe named Clarice, subjecting him to ridicule from his peers.  They simply laughed, called him names, and would no longer invite him to participate in any reindeer games.  Hermey on the other hand gets into a verbal altercation with his supervisor and is given the ultimatum to finish his job, or be fired.  After a brief musical number, Hermey quits.

    Rudolph and Hermey meet each other during a dispute involving the property rights of a nearby snowbank, decide to put aside their differences, and be “independent together”.  They set out into the world, unsure of what to make of themselves and meet Yukon Cornelius, a gold/silver prospector.  Eventually, they find themselves on the Island of Misfit Toys, where they meet other misfits like themselves.  They are allowed by King Moonracer, the local monarch to stay a short while, but he states his kingdom is for misfit toys, not people.

    Following a plot device that convinces Rudolph to go home, the story concludes with the defeat of the Abominable Snowman through Hermie’s crude ability to pull its teeth, and Yukon wrestling the bumble.  Due to blizzard conditions making flight difficult and dangerous, Rudolph finds his glowing red nose to be a useful asset as a result.  In spite of being a little bit different, all three characters are accepted by Santa, and others at the north pole for their gallantry.

    Could this movie be made today?  Absolutely, but not without a few small changes.

    Silver. Gold. Dick. I’m in search for it all!

    Among other things, it has been argued the entire movie is an allegory about gay acceptance.  Rudolph being slightly different is judged by his father, who attempts to butch him up because he is “protecting” his son as a worried father is wont to do.  In reality, Donner being one of Santa’s original eight reindeer and therefore high in north pole society, is only protecting his own standing out of embarrassment.   Hermey is blatantly obvious.  Not only is he the only elf in the story with hair, it is magnificent.  He speaks with an effeminate voice and aspires to work on people’s teeth.  That in itself isn’t gay but it is an odd thing for an elf to want to do.  Finally, Yukon is the classic bear with his performative masculinity, that they meet to guide their path forward to first accepting themselves.  The suspension of disbelief is low by the standard of today’s audience, who are well acquainted with the hero’s journey archetype.

    Where it would likely be changed is in the narrator–not only is Burl Ives dead, he was a white male.  He will be replaced with Morgan Freeman.  The opening scene where Santa is body-shamed by his wife will be reversed, by Santa body shaming his wife with the gift of a Peleton bike.  Santa and the north pole culture will need reinforcement of strict gender norms, and an oppressive culture in order for this storyline to work.  This time around, he cannot be an amiable fellow traveler in the story.  The Island of Misfit Toys unfortunately will have to be made into a delusional society that believes they are being oppressed by the world, thus will all be evangelical Christian misfits.  King Moonracer will be the same in order to reinforce this delusion, because apparently nothing says misfit like a flying lion (when that’s actually freaking awesome).  He will still decide to temporarily take in Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon because it is the Christian thing to do but knows three gays will not find acceptance on his island.

    Either Rudolph or Hermey will need to be trans.  The easier of the two will likely be Hermey because Santa has a “girl” elf uniform.  Yukon is still a bear,  There will be a Clarice, but she will merely be a “ally” rather than a love interest.

    Honorable mentions:

    Little Drummer Boy.  This cannot be made again today.  The drummer boy is an ass to everyone he meets in Israel.  It takes the near death of his friend, a literal ass, for him to have a very literal “come to Jesus” moment.  It is far too religious for nearly anyone to redo, and thus will be reserved for channels that cater to such audiences in it’s present form.

    Frosty the Snowman.  This cannot be made again.  Apparently, we can’t handle a commercial where a man gives his wife an exercise bike for Christmas.  **SPOILER ALERT** The snowman DIES at the end, nobody can handle that anymore.

     

    Babka being a type of (((pastry))) that I have not tried but is available at a deli I frequently purchase bagels, might suggest this bear a Kosher certification, but I did not find one.  This beer is otherwise fantastic. It is 10% ABV and pours like chocolate syrup…because it more or less is.  They put down making a beer float with a scoop of vanilla ice cream as a serving suggestion.  Quite frankly they do something like Samuel Smith’s Double Chocolate Stout, and went over the top with it, and priced it for the average Trader Joe’s shopper ($5).  Which, isn’t all that bad.  Campanology Brewing Chocolate Babka Stout 4.0/5

  • Gobble gobble b*tches!

    Another year, another successful holiday passing without another inane controversy.  But what am I saying?

    This is my review of Clown Shoes Undead American Imperial Stout.

    Evidently, Trump joked the turkey he pardoned kept his cool, even under threat of subpoena from Rep. Adam Schiff.

    “It seems the Democrats are accusing me of being too soft on turkey,” Mr. Trump said, turning to the birds. “But Bread and Butter, I should note that unlike previous witnesses, you and I have actually met. It’s very unusual.”

    President Taft pardoned exactly zero turkeys. Bring it fact check clowns!

    Which was a joke.  Clearly, it was a joke.

    The pardoning of a turkey however is one of the more benign presidential traditions.  While the holiday itself is credited with Washington declaring a day of thanksgiving, the first turkey was pardoned by Lincoln.  According to lore, Lincoln’s son Tad befriended a turkey, whom he named Jack, destined to become Christmas dinner. Tad pleaded for Jack’s life and the tradition of pardoning a turkey was born.  Of course, the tradition itself was to send a turkey for the president to eat, and quite frankly thats what most of them did.

    Once pardoned, the turkeys live the high life as far as a farm fowl is concerned.  Some live out their days at petting zoos, avoid being massacred at Virginia Tech, or even standing in as a grand marshal for parades at Disney while their cousins are smoked and sold to tourists.  Some animal rights activists are not fond of the tradition, since these turkeys are farm fowl and are bred specifically to get fat and be eaten.  Their joints are not up to the task of a long life as a fat bird and keeping them alive is therefore cruel.  Then of course, there are the vegans…

    The trend of sparing a turkey’s life publicly is credited to Kennedy.  The joke was on Kennedy, because Marylin Monroe killed herself and the bird outlived them both. Perhaps Oswald was a vegan?

    This beer though, woof.  You are greeted with whiff of straight booze, followed by burned chocolate and coffee.  Its like a traditional Irish lunch, with the only thing missing is the fish and chips. Clown Shoes Undead American Imperial Stout 4.1/5