Category: Advice

  • Prison / Jail slang -You Got Me Bang to Rights, Guv’nor

    Be aware of what the people say! And interpret their slang so you feel, cool, and shit.

    I get to hear and read a lot of slang in my line of work, so bear with me while I provide a guide to prison/ jail slang.

    Snitch / Plant: One inmate trying to tell on another, in order to get a better plea deal. Advice to new inmates is often: be careful who you talk to, it could be a snitch.

    Kite: a jail letter. This can be between inmates, or from an inmate to a department in the jail, or his or her attorney. If it’s a kite between inmates, its a tiny paper football, with tiny writing on it, that sometimes is “shot” between cells. Inmates also pass them to other inmates while they are walking to meals, etc.

    If it’s a kite to a jail department, then it is usually about something the inmate needs to have done. For example “I kited a letter to accounting because I think they have my out date wrong. I should get credit for more good time.

    Out date: This is the date an inmate will be released. Inmates often write to their attorneys, the court, etc regarding their out dates.

    Good time: No, this is not what the inmate did to get in jail. This is “credit” toward the out date. For example, a month in custody (with no incidents) usually results in 4 days “good time.”

    Get a play, do a play: This means sell /buy some drugs.

    Rillo, rello: These are the small cigars that party stores sell. Users often rip off the cigarello, and use the plastic tip that’s left  to smoke a controlled substance.

    On paper: This means on probation, or on parole. If you are on paper, don’t go posting facebook photos of yourself with money, guns, or drugs, as your PO will see that shit, and bust you for a PV.

    PO: probation /parole officer. PV: probation violation, parole violation. Sometimes the inmate is PV, parole violator.

    Trusty/ trustees. These are the inmates who get to 1. wear more comfortable clothing and 2. do jobs in the jail. The jobs can earn them more credit sometimes, or commissary. Plus the inmate gets a little more freedom, can sometimes leave the facility, as long as they report back at the scheduled time.

    Color code (not a slang term) There’s also a clothing color code that goes along with inmate status. Low-level inmates are usually in the bright orange/  teal. Trustees get comfy brown scrubs to wear instead, or even a plain white tee to wear with the scrub bottoms. If you’re being transported to court, you might have to wear the traditional “stripes” uniform. If you’ve been caught fighting, then you might go back to orange/ teal and be put in lockdown /solitary. Sometimes called “greens.”

    Lockdown: This is what it sounds like: the section an inmate stays in is “locked down” due to an infraction. Lock down means no activities, no phone calls – for the whole section – until the lock down status is clear. Infractions can be something dumb, like toothpaste on the walls, messy cells, etc. Or it could be fighting, or contraband in the cells.

    Chore Boy: Users put this in pipes to smoke crack with. It keeps the crack in one place. So when users are arrested, the search often reveals Chore Boy in the pockets, vehicle, etc.

    Bond! This is something set at arraignment, depending on the case. Typical bonds are between $1,000 to 100,000 or more. $1,000 might be set for a simple (non-aggravated) assault case, while  $100,000 or more might be set for a rape/ CSC charge. PR Bond means “personal recognizance,” or the defendant is not a flight risk, and needs only to show up at court.  PR bonds can still have an amount attached to them, so if Defendant no-shows at court, then the cash has to be paid. 10% bond means that the bond is set at $5,000 but the defendant can get a bail bondsman to guarantee it, so the defendant only has to pay $500. C/S is short for Cash/surety – defendant has to put up the whole amount.

    Usually bond has other conditions. For example, a defendant can submit to SCRAM, tether/ surveillance or GPS monitoring to make sure conditions are kept.

    Bid: this is the term or sentence an inmate has. 5 year bid = 5 year sentence.

    Well, that’s all I got for now folks. Enjoy!

  • ZARDOZ SATURDAY EVENING ADVICE

     

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. NOW THAT ORDER HAS RETURNED TO THE CHOSEN ONES INTERNET HQ, ZARDOZ WILL ONCE AGAIN PROVIDE THE BEST ADVICE AVAILABLE – FAR BETTER THAN THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY“. THEREFOR RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

    Q: I’m a high school junior, and my school’s prom is coming up. I don’t have a date. I completely understand that I don’t need a date for prom to have fun. However, within my group of friends, we are organizing who will sit at our 18-person table, and I’m the only dateless person at our table, which means I’m the odd one out (eight couples plus me for a total of 17 seats filled).

    I know I should try to have fun even if I’m the only one by myself, but the situation makes me feel so alone. I asked two different guys if they wanted to go with me: One ended up going with a different girl and will be sitting at our table. The other didn’t want to go with me.

    How should I handle this situation and be able to have fun at prom, even though I’ll be sticking out as the only person in our entire group who couldn’t manage to find someone to go with — even as a friend? — ANONYMOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

    A: THIS IS A PUZZLER. HOWEVER, ZARDOZ HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. FIRST, YOU MUST CLEANSE THE FILTH OF A BRUTAL WHO REFUSED YOU.

    ENJOY THE PROM!

    THEN YOU CAN JOIN EVERYONE ELSE AT THE TABLE.

    “NO, I DON’T KNOW WHERE BRAD WENT?”

    WHEN THE OTHER OTHERS GO TO DANCE – AND THE ONE WITH THE CLEANSED DATE SEARCHES – POISON THEIR DRINKS. YOUR FUN WILL BE IN SEEING THEM ALL SUFFER HORRIBLY AND PERISH! THAT WILL INSTRUCT ALL TO NEITHER REFUSE YOU OR REMIND YOU OF SUCH.

    WE CAN SEND BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS AS CHAPERONES.

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN

    Q: I have been married to my husband for four years, and before that, I knew him for about a year. At the time, he was very loving and considerate, but right after we got married, his true nature emerged.

    He drinks heavily every night and says horrible things. In the morning, he has no recollection of it and expects me to be loving and warm to him. I can’t bring myself to do it. He is always accusing me of cheating on him, even though I have given him no reason. He has a GPS on my phone, and if I don’t answer his texts or calls immediately, he goes ballistic.

    Abby, I’m not happy and have often thought about running away. During the day he helps me, but at night he becomes a completely different person. I have a full-time job and pay 85 percent of the bills. I take care of the kids, cook and clean, but nothing makes him happy. I would really appreciate your advice. — LOST IN CALIFORNIA

    A: BRUTAL, PLEASE. IT WOULD BE TOO EASY TO SAY “DIVORCE”. SO ZARDOZ WILL HELP OUT. ZED WILL COME BY AND HAVE A LITTLE “CHAT” WITH YOUR BRUTAL HUSBAND.

    LESS DRINKY, RIGHT, BRUTAL?

    AS ZARDOZ DOES NOT BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES, THE FIRST TIME YOUR HUSBAND ACTS UP – COMMUNICATE WITH THE VORTEX. BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS WILL BE DISPATCHED. YOUR HUSBAND CAN DRY OUT, AND LEARN REGRET SERVING THE ETERNALS AS A GRAIN SLAVE.

    NEED A DRINK?

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN

  • IFLA: The “A Different Kind of Scoring” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of March 17

    Also, those two demons don't exactly look like they're being tortured. Just say'n.
    Le Diable est Trans? Who knew les Marseilles were so woke?

    Fucking MERCURY RETROGRADE.  Even when you know it’s there, there’s only so much you can hedge against it.  My trip to Austin was supposed to be enhanced by a visit from a beautiful and newly-dumped long term… friend.  But then her daughter decided that she wanted to come home for spring break.  Oh well.  I guess by getting more sleep, I probably experienced the rest of the visit more fully or something lame like that.  While I was there, I decided to pick up a copy of The Key to the Tarot from Book People, a delightfully cruel full-price bookstore that gets away with treating its employees like shit (both wage and hours-wise) by letting them think that they are intellectuals and influencers by writing “reviews” on 3″ x 5″ cards and taping the cards to the shelves.  Isn’t it fascinating how Austinites succeed in monetizing hippiedom (I’m looking at you Whole Foods).  Anyway, Book People has traditionally fielded an occult section better than most universities, and obviously curated by someone who took it seriously (heavy on the classics, light on the pop/FOTM).  That person must have finally gotten sick of eating ramen, since that section is now only one-sixth of what it used to be. They didn’t have The Key to the Tarot.  But they did have this.  A Tarot book written by an authentic crazy-pants?  Yes please!

    Oh Alejandro, you vierdo!
    IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

    I’ve only read the first dozen pages or so, but it’s like listening to a Jodorowski interview — this is gonna be great.  Plus, there is a non-zero chance that it was actually written by a woman, but the credit stolen by a man, which is exactly what happened with the Rider (publisher) Waite (designer) deck.  The actual artist of the deck (Pamela Smith) isn’t credited.

    This shit right here is how you get people to subscribe to your newsletter
    Lay out the cards in three dimensions? MIND. BLOWN.

    Anyhoo, let’s get on with the prognosticating:

    There isn’t much in the skies this week, but what there is hints at chaos, disorder, drinking, and fighting.  Obviously, that cock-blocking MERCURY RETROGRADE is still in effect, so be prepared with contingencies.  Mars and Venus are aligning themselves around the Sun, Which indicates a wild time, full of celebration and fighting, especially on SUNday.  In an unrelated alignment, Luna-Terra-Jupiter tells us that if you want to avoid said violent celebration, you should stay at home.

    The moon is in Cancer.  This puts two water signs together, indicating instability, change, moodiness, and drunkenness.  Mars is in Taurus, with all the belligerence that implies.  And Saturn (ending) is in Capricorn (wisdom), with the obvious implication being amnesia, possibly alcohol-induced.   MERCURY RETROGRADE is bipping along in Pisces for even more chaos, also those of you who do ropework will find that knots will not stay tied properly.  And noodling is very risky this week, put it off for a while.  Venus in Aquarius brings more of that water/drinky-drinky, but while the moon in Cancer is more cold water/crashing against rocks, Venus in Aquarius is more like a jacuzzi; so, happy.  And finally, Jupiter in Sagittarius indicates that if you manage to stay upright, you’ll be ok.  Now for the cards:

    Pisces:  5 of Swords, reversed – Degradation, destruction, infamy, dishonor, loss, burial

    Aries:  Page of Coins, reversed – Prodigality, dissipation, luxury, unfavorable news

    Taurus:  Death – Death, ending, finito

    Gemini:  The Magician – Skill, diplomacy, sickness, pain, loss, disaster, persuasion

    Cancer:  5 of Wands, reversed – trickery, contradiction, litigation, disputes

    Leo:  2 of Cups – love, passion, concord, sex, relationships blessed

    Virgo:  King of Cups, reversed – A dishonest man, vice, scandal, injustice

    Libra:  King of Swords – Power, authority.  I don’t know why we keep seeing this card.

    Scorpio:  Judgment –  Change of position, renewal, finality

    Sagittarius: Ace of Wands, reversed  – Fall, decadence, ruin, impotence.  We seem to draw this one a lot too.

    Capricorn:  2 of Swords, reversed – imposture, falsehood, duplicity, disloyalty,  vengeance (especially misguided)

    Aquarius:  10 of Coins – Gain, riches, family, home, unrecognized influence, wisdom skipping a generation

     

     

  • Retirement

    We all count the time until we can retire, cut the cord, turn out the lights or whatever we call the end of a career. We think about it, make some non-binding plans and dream, dream, ’til we finally fall to sleep. Then morning comes with a WTF? How am I gonna do it? Where am I gonna do it? Will I be able to do it? When? All these unanswered questions.

    Well, maybe for some its too early to even think about such long distance planning but those of you (I’m excluding myself) in your mid-40s, 50s, and 60s will be celebrating your birthday at a restaurant and its gonna be a big 5-0 or 6-0 birthday party and damn, what happened? That was quick.

    We’ve had discussions here about what we want to do at retirement but “Awh, its too early to worry about that” That’s not a helpful attitude so I’m here to help or not. First, answer the questions in the first paragraph. Got that? You’ll be asking yourself these same questions again and again and perhaps the answers will change but that’s OK too.

    When do I want to retire? When can I retire? Where do I want to retire?

    I decided about my 45th birthday that I wanted out at 55. I started looking towards that day and what I had to do to make it happen. Where? I had grown up in the woods of Minnesota, with the fishing/hunting and liked being outdoors, I still had a few friends there, my folks were buried nearby and a brother lived about 30 miles away so that’s where I thought I wanted to be. I owned a house in Texas but really no friends other than those I worked with and the Texas heat was not something that I enjoyed. Nothing permanent was holding me in Texas.

    I was working in the Midwest, living in the Twin Cities and spending time reading the country newspapers and visiting my brother when I could. I found some property that I liked, made a low ball offer that was rejected and kept looking. Found a 40 acre spot, with a terribly run down small house and a yard full of junk that had been on the market for a couple years. Price was high but evaluating the negatives I made an offer of about 1/3 the asking price, keeping in mind those negatives. The owner countered with an offer of about ½, I suggested we split the difference, he bumped me a little and we made a deal.

    I cleaned up everything that was burnable, old buildings/sheds/fences and clothes. I spent the winter hauling van load after van load of trash, mostly metal scraps, every week end for 6 months or more. By spring the yard was cleaned and time to tackle the house. The previous owner was a Copenhagen chewing bachelor and his habits were visible. The house was a kit, 18 X 26, costing 1200 dollars plus delivery and was about 30 years old. The sidewalls were 6’4” and I was 6’5” at the time. The roof was sagging badly, hadn’t been painted since the first time 30 years early and needed a total remodel and upgrade. I kept telling Mrs Fourscore that it was beautiful, she kept checking the yellow pages for psychiatric help.

    Anyway, I got my best friend to help me, we tore the roof off, raised the walls 20” and put new trusses and plywood on. I spent the rest of the weekend shingling and I was on my way. I took a week’s vacation a few weeks later, put on siding on the newly raised walls, new windows, sliding glass door and lastly primed the outside.

    I called my boss that Sunday night, he said, “Good, ’cause I have reservations for tomorrow for you to go to Berkeley, CA, we just bought a store and you ( meaning me) need to complete the deal and stay as long as necessary.” I was there for 5 weeks, remodeling, hiring, training. Fortunately after a couple weeks a good manager arrived.

    I then spent about 4-5 months’ worth of week ends gutting and remodeling the inside of the cabin, as we called it . My wife took back some of her doubts of my skills when she stayed in there for the first time and the shower worked and the lights turned on when she threw the switch.

    So now, we have a small place to live on weekends, modern, clean and warm but not very big. And still 7-8 years away from the magic 55 year mark. For now, though, a place to use for hunting/fishing and relaxing. Still a few years from retiring at this point though. It was great, nearly every week end and vacations would find me at the cabin, relaxing. Deer season came and I had a super hunting shack with all the amenities.

    Then the years rolled on and I explained to my wife that we should build our retirement home, our property was actually in 2 parcels, easy peasey to use the second parcel. It had been an old homestead with a big field and so I chose a spot near the back edge of the field. She was not super excited but after my whining and crying she finally gave in. So I started, two years before the date set for retirement.

    I won’t go into detail about the permitting but it wasn’t fun, had to be rezoned, etc. The good part was at that time there was no requirements for inspections other than an electrical. Had to have a well and septic system permitted. I contracted the basement, I had drawn my plan on graft paper, no blue prints since I was going to be flexible.

    The missus and I had agreed on 3 premises or requirements.

    1. It had to be warm (i.e. well insulated)
    2. The kitchen had to face the east, for harmony with Asian customs
    3. Every room had to have a window, including the basement.

    I contracted the basement block work, went a course higher (13 rather than the usual 12) because I was a pretty tall guy at the time and I wanted all the duct work under the basement ceiling. At that point I started nailing stuff together, every week end, leave work early and put 2 long days in over the weekend. That went on for two years, slowly, slowly a house took shape. I always took my tools with me but left the building supplies and fortunately had no theft.

    I pretty much did everything, I contracted the roof/shingles and steel siding but learned as I went for the rest. Retirement day came, I was 55, we were ready but there were still some finishing to do inside but at least we could live there and I was closer to my project. For a couple weeks dishes were washed in the bathtub, cooking was done on a hot plate and counter top oven. Master bath was finished, carpeting was not yet installed and the basement beckoned

    I finished out the basement and its sort of a man cave. I had planned on a pool table but that space got filled with an extra refrig and freezer and now the computer. Probably took another year to wind up everything, had to build a garage and then another one.

    I made some mistakes that I wished I hadn’t made but not too many. Some things were done twice, some things never have been done.

    Besides the what and where of retirement comes the how. In any case, my opinion is that one must have one’s retirement home paid for before retirement, unless you are fortunate to have a good income. House payments, along with taxes/insurance and maintenance will eat up a lot of most people’s monthly retirement income. On the other hand, there are options available to enjoy without the burden of worrying about your abode.

     

    My wife and I are rather frugal but she does like to travel. Living in the country we don’t need a lot of ‘nice’ clothes. I got by for several years wearing out the clothes I had worked in and mostly wear jeans now. We don’t spend a lot of money at restaurants, maybe a couple lunches a month while we’re shopping. We have dinner out with friends for birthdays and anniversaries but all in all mostly we eat at home. A big garden in the summer provides therapy and fresh food. Mrs Fourscore cans and freezes a few things. We enjoy fresh fish but I can’t get her to eat venison, too bad, ’cause she can really cook. More for me is all I can say.

    Our friends are similar, old, reclusive and comfortable being left alone. We help one another, drink a little coffee and socialize fairly often, more so in nice weather as opposed to winter. It was an easier transition for us because we moved back to where I had grown up and knew a few of the families. Trying to retire in an unfamiliar rural area would have been more difficult as folks tend to leave one another alone unless there is a commonality such as a church or club. We have great neighbors, in that no one bothers anyone.

    A couple of my neighbors shoot a lot. If I don’t hear them shooting I begin to worry that something has happened.

    There has been a lot of Glib discussion about retirement. If you have your place picked out and can negotiate a good bargain think about starting your new life. If it happens to have an abandoned old house perhaps the foundation can still be used, or the well, etc. Don’t worry about the grown up brush, 2 weekends and a fire will solve a lot of problems. All that junk on the outside has kept prospective buyers away and can be used to your advantage.

    10 years pass quickly. We’ve owned this property 33 years now, been retired 27. We had to say good bye to a lot of friends over the years but way better to have had them along the way than have had to live somewhere else with out them.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    The first ten years, 55 to 65, we were pretty much the same, physically. Then some tasks began to take longer, stuff got heavier, places got farther away. If you wait too long you may not be able to do those things you had planned to do when you retired. Good luck to all.

  • SEA SMITH GIVE ADVICE

    ADVICE!

     

    SEA SMITH SEE STONE HEAD AND COUSIN STEVE SMITH GIVE ADVICE. HE WANT GIVE ADVICE TOO! HE GIVE SMART ADVICE. BETTER THAN DRIED UP OLD LAND HOOMAN. SEA SMITH PROUDLY PRESENT….BEST ADVICE!

    Q. I am a 15-year-old girl. I have been friends with “Amanda” for two years. She helped me through a really tough time, which is how we became friends.

    Recently, she has been going around telling people she is dating someone famous from a band and claiming she gets to hang out with them all the time. It is really stressful.

    My other friend and I don’t understand why Amanda is doing this. We think it’s wrong to tell people these lies. When we have asked her about it, she always gets defensive and lies to us. She blocked my friend and me on Instagram, and that really upset us as well.

    We don’t know what to do. We know you give great advice, and we hope you can help us with this. — STRESSED OUT IN IOWA

    A. SEA SMITH GIVE BETTER ADVICE! SEA SMITH MAKE LIE TRUE. SEA SMITH FRONTCREATURE IN BAND!

    BAND
    SEA SMITH SING GOOD!

     

    SO SEA SMITH NOW DATE FRIEND “AMANDA”. BY DATE, MEAN RAPE. ON DATE. NOW HER TELL TRUTH, YOU BE FRIENDS AGAIN. NO WORRY ABOUT INSTAGRAM. IT NO WORK IN WATER. THIS ADVICE THING VERY EASY! SEA SMITH TRY NEXT ONE…

     

    Q. I know a young newlywed couple who just had their first baby. The baby is weeks old and isn’t crawling yet. My concern is that they have a box turtle for a pet in their small apartment. They’ve had the turtle for probably a year and, while it has a cage, they often let it loose in the kitchen. I don’t know if it has reign over other parts of the home.

    This turtle is at least 8 inches across its shell, and its head is more than an inch long with a half-inch bite. The baby will be crawling this year. I feel the turtle is a threat, and the baby will no doubt be attracted to it and likely try to crawl over and touch it. The turtle’s bites are notoriously sharp and likely contaminated, and I’m concerned about the baby losing a finger. Is this a reasonable concern? — PROTECTOR IN NEVADA

    A. YOU MIND OWN BUSINESS, “PROTECTOR”. MORE LIKE “STICKNOSEINOR”. SEA SMITH KNOW MANY FINE TURTLE! THEM USEFUL CREATURE. USE FOR FURNITURE, USE FOR RAPE, USE FOR SOUP. LEAVE TURTLE ALONE!

    THIS NO DANGEROUS!

    BESIDE, BABY NO CRAWL FASTER THAN TURTLE, HOW IT SUPPOSED SURVIVE? IF REALLY WANT, CAN GO HIRE COUSIN STEVE SMITH WATCH TURTLE. IT ACT BAD, COUSIN STEVE SMITH HIT WITH BIG ROCK. OR RAPE. OR BOTH. AT ONCE.

     

     

     

     

     

    SEA SMITH NOW GO TAKE PET FISH FOR SWIM.

    HE GOOD FISH.

    COME ON IN, WATER FINE!

    …SEA SMITH THINK HE NEED MORE BE IN CHARGE OF THINGS ON SITE…

  • ZARDOZ SATURDAY EVENING ADVICE AND LINKS

    WRONG!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAK TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS BEEN DISPATCHING THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVERS WITH EASE. TOO MUCH EASE. THEREFOR, TONIGHT ZARDOZ SHALL CRUSH TWO AT ONCE! AND GIVE THE CHOSEN ONE LINKS. THIS IS BECAUSE ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. YOU HAVE SNARKED WELL AT THE BRUTALS THAT PLAGUE THE EARTH. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

    Q: Recently, after a few drinks, my mother confessed to me that my stepbrother years ago had been arrested for downloading child pornography and spent three months in jail for it. Apparently she and her husband (my stepbrother’s father) only recently found out when my stepbrother was asked to leave a family function by someone who knew about it. She promised both of them to never tell a soul and has felt burdened ever since. She blames herself for breaking the promise and feels guilty for telling me. But I was able to persuade her to tell my brother about this because he has children who have met my stepbrother. In some ways this revelation has brought my mother and me closer, because I’m proud of her for telling us. But I want to let the rest of our stepsiblings (all adults with children) know, since I think they have the right to decide for themselves how to deal with this information. I think my mother is afraid her husband will be extremely upset if she pushes the issue, and she doesn’t want to split the family. I now feel the burden has been passed on to me. I avoid going to family gatherings because I worry about my stepbrother being there, and I feel terrible for keeping this information from my other stepsiblings. Don’t they have the right to know? How can I support my mother and assure her that I’m on her side while still convincing her to inform the others?
    —Creeped Out and Concerned

    A: IT TAKES A BRUTAL TO MAKE SOMETHING COMPLEX THAT IS SO SIMPLE. THE PEDO DOWNLOADER SHOULD BE CONFRONTED BY YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, AND CLEANSED. THE ACT OF COLLECTIVE MURDER WILL DRAW THE REMAINING FAMILY THAT MUCH CLOSER! ZARDOZ HAS A SUGGESTION FOR GARB FOR THE CLEANSING:

    HEY, STEPBRO!

    SHOULD THE BRUTAL STEPFATHER COMPLAIN – ZARDOZ WILL TAKE HIM OFF YOUR HANDS, AND MAKE HIM USEFUL…

    HOW YOU LIKE YOUR NEW FAMILY, “DAD”?

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    Q: Our 22-year-old son stays with us. He has a part-time job and goes to school part-time. He is somewhat secretive. We don’t know his friends or where he goes.

    One day he brought a male friend over and they hung out in our guesthouse, drinking and playing video games. This went on for several hours and then the blinds closed. My husband wasn’t comfortable with that, so he knocked on the door and went in to talk to them. He asked the friend if he had a girlfriend, and the friend said no — that he’s bisexual. Our son then announced that he is also bisexual.

    We have only met one girl that he dated and the male friend who was over. The friend did say he isn’t interested in our son, that they are strictly friends. I don’t think my husband should have quizzed our son in front of his friend.

    Our son has a chip on his shoulder and an “I don’t care attitude” about many things. He blames a lot of things on his ADHD. He acts like he can’t multitask or concentrate on what he’s supposed to do. He tries, but if he forgets to do something, he gets an attitude from time to time. I don’t know what to think. — FRUSTRATED IN WASHINGTON

    A: THIS IS OBVIOUS, TO ANYONE BUT BRUTALS. HE IS ROGERING THE “FRIEND” AND GOING TO LIVE OFF YOUR HANDOUTS FOR AS LONG AS HE CAN. NOW, HIS PENIC ACTIVITY IS FORGIVABLE – FOR THE PENIS IS EVIL FOR SHOOTING SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE. THAT IS NOT GOING TO OCCUR IF HE IS PENISING A MALE BRUTAL. HOWEVER, IF HE CANNOT CONCENTRATE ON ANY TASKS AT HAND – ZARDOZ HAS SOME HELP FOR YOU…

    FOCUS! FOCUS!

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

     

    THE LINKS!

    • ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. MORE, MORE! SOCIALIST CLEANSING!
    • IF ZARDOZ HAD THE CIRCUITRY TO LAUGH…HE WOULD.

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

  • ZARDOZ’S FRIDAY NIGHT ADVICE

    RIGHT, NOW PAY CLOSE ATTENTION.

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAK TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. END OF ANOTHER WEEK. HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY PURIFIED THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. ZARDOZ CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH WITHOUT HIS CHOSEN ONES. THEREFOR, RECEIVE A FRIDAY NIGHT REWARD – THE BEST ADVICE!

    THE BRUTAL DEAR ABBY HAS BEEN BEATEN DOWN FOR NOW, THUS A NEW FOE WILL FACE DEFEAT AT THE HANDS…UM, ADVICE OF ZARDOZ!

    DEAR PRUDENCE

    LET THE RESOUNDING VICTORY FOR ZARDOZ COMMENCE!

    Q:  I bully my sister for her weight: My sister Margaret (30) is morbidly obese: 230 pounds and five feet tall. She’s happy, active, and has a wonderful group of friends. But she refuses to take steps to lose weight, and she eats poorly, and it drives me crazy. I love Margaret so much and am terrified of losing her too early. I also hate that people hurt her feelings and treat her poorly because of her health. This manifests in me criticizing her and picking fights with her about her weight. I’m ruining my relationship with Margaret. She avoids me, and I don’t blame her. I make her feel bad about herself. I don’t know how to change this dynamic, because swallowing my fear drives me crazy. My own husband has lectured me about this. I want to change. Where do I begin?

    A: FOOL OF A BRUTAL! YOU BEGIN BY NOT CHANGING AT ALL. IN FACT, YOU HAVE PROBABLY NOT GONE FAR ENOUGH. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO KEEP THE VORTEX SUPPLIED WITH ENOUGH GRAIN FOR THEIR BREAD?

    ZED, SOME FAT WOMAN HAS STOLEN ALL OUR LOAVES!

    RECRIMINATIONS ASIDE, ZARDOZ WILL HELP. THIS PORCINE SIBLING OF YOURS WILL NO DOUBT BE DRAWN TO THE VORTEX’S GRAIN BINS. ZED WILL LIE IN WAIT AND WHEN SHE COMES TO SNAFFLE THE GRAIN…

    CAUGHT IN THE ACT!

    CLEANSED.

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

     

    AND NOW, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK!

    • ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. THIS WILL HELP CONTINUE THE MISERY OF BRUTALS IN THE SOCIALIST STATE! FAMINE ONLY HELPS CLEANSE THE FILTH OF BRUTALITY. VIVA MADURO!
    • HAS ZARDOZ NOT WARNED YOU, THE PENIS IS EVIL! IT MATTERS NOT WHO OR WHAT BEARS THE EVIL.
    • POLITICAL BRUTAL SLAP FIGHT! ZARDOZ IS DISAPPOINT THIS WILL NOT LEAD TO WAR.

    GO FORTH AND COMMENT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

  • ZARDOZ FRIDAY NIGHT ADVICE AND LINKS

    HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. UNFORTUNATELY THE FILTH OF BRUTALS WAS NOT PURIFIED BY THE POLAR COLD CATEGORY 4 KILLSTORM. WHILE DISAPPOINTING, IT IS TO BE EXPECTED. BRUTALS ARE A PERSISTENT LOT. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE HIS CHOSEN ONES ADVICE, BETTER THAN THAT OF THE MEWLING BRUTAL “DEAR PRUDENCE“.

    Q: I am a cis woman in my mid-50s who’s been in a really nice relationship for about five years with a man my age. He grew up in a very stifling, fundamentalist family and later became the father in a similar family. When we met, he was recently divorced and beginning to discover the rest of the world. We have had a terrific five years, filled with exploration and honesty, and it has been refreshing. I genuinely love him. Recently, he has expressed his wish to begin dressing as a woman. Apparently this has been a long-buried interest that he felt unable to explore; I am very happy for him. We’ve shopped for clothes, laughed about the ridiculousness of makeup and heels, and found some venues where he feels comfortable going out all dressed up. The problem is that while this whole process seems to have made him feel even more committed to our relationship, it has not had the same effect for me, at least not in the romantic sense. I’m really not attracted to his female persona. Even when he’s not in drag, I’m not feeling the physical passion that I once did. I feel so guilty! I want to support him, but at the same time I feel I’m being dishonest when I try to respond to him sexually. He is truly my dearest friend and has been an amazing lover, but I feel that if I try to back off our relationship to friendship, he’ll experience it as a rebuke of all he’s worked hard to become. How do I continue to support his growth without compromising our friendship or my own happiness, which may not include a physical relationship with him?
    —No Femme on Femme

    A: HAHAHAHAHA. OH, WERE ZARDOZ’S LOUDSPEAKER UNITS STILL ACTIVATED? PARDON ZARDOZ. ANYWAY… ZARDOZ DOES HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITH THE CROSS DRESSING TYPE:

    ZED DOES NOT APPEAR AMUSED.

    HOWEVER, NOT MUCH LATER, HE WAS BACK INTO THE RED MANKINI, AND BANGING CHARLOTTE RAMPLING. YOU, HOWEVER ARE NOT GOING TO BE SO LUCKY. YOU MUST LIVE WITH YOUR WEAKNESS, AND REALIZE THAT ALL PENIC ACTIVITY IS GOING TO CEASE (ZARDOZ APPROVES, FOR THE PENIS IS EVIL!) OR…ALLOW ZED TO DEMONSTRATE.

    BYE BYE BRUTAL!

    HOWEVER, IF CLEANSING IS A BIT TOO MUCH, ZARDOZ HAS AN ALTERNATIVE FOR BOTH OF YOU!

    YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT, SLAVES!

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    NOW, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK!

    • ZARDOZ WOULD INQUIRE OF HIS CHOSEN ONES….DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD PLANS FOR NAZI CAMP SITES?
    • WHAT IS IT THE CHOSEN ONES SAY IN RESPONSE TO SUCH NEWS? LEARN TO CODE“?
    • NOTHING TO SEE HERE, BRUTALS. MOVE ALONG!

    GO FORTH AND COMMENT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

  • STEVE SMITH GIVE ADVICE!

    GOOD ADVICE!

    STEVE SMITH SEE FRIEND ZARDOZ GIVE ADVICE, AND HIM THINK…WHY NOT STEVE SMITH GIVE ADVICE TOO? SO HIM HERE TO GIVE ADVICE. HIM DO LIKE FRIEND ZARDOZ AND TAKE FROM SILLY OLD “DEAR ABBYCOLUMN. READY FOR GOOD ADVICE? HERE IS:

    When I read the column about the warning signs of an abuser in your archives, I was scared to realize that my older brother is one. He has most of the qualities you pointed out except for the sex stuff.

    He just turned 14, and he has just started dating. That got me thinking. If one day he moves in with someone or gets married, how am I going to warn the girl to watch out? I’m being hit, and I have things thrown at me all the time, and I don’t want anyone else to experience that. My parents have tried to get him professional help, but it hasn’t worked. Please help. — BRUISED SISTER IN SAN FRANCISCO

    STEVE SMITH NO LIKE WHEN FAMILY HURT FAMILY. BUT, SOMETIMES MAY HAVE RETALIATE, TEACH LESSON. FIRST, TRY HIT ON HEAD WITH BIG ROCK!

    LEAVE SISTER ALONE!

    IF THAT NO WORK, THEN LET STEVE SMITH KNOW, HIM COME OVER AND HAVE WORD WITH BROTHER. BY HAVE WORD WITH, MEAN RAPE. ROCK AND RAPE MAYBE MAKE BROTHER READY FOR COUNSELLING.

    DR. SMITH SEE YOU NOW.

    HOPE ADVICE WORK!

     

    I have been married for seven years. The last time my husband and I have been out of the house together was last summer. No movies, dinners, festivals, etc. I finally gave up suggesting things to do.

    My husband says I’m the one who feels the need to go out once a week or take an annual vacation. It hurts knowing he goes out to eat with his buddies on his lunch breaks at work. I have said as much, but we still don’t go anywhere on the weekends, and he still goes out to eat with his friends. What do you make of this? — PRISONER IN OHIO

    THIS PUZZLE STEVE SMITH. HIM LOVE NIGHT OUT ON TOWN. BY NIGHT OUT ON TOWN, MEAN RAPE TOWN, AT NIGHT. TRY SUGGEST SOMETHING FUN, BUT CHEAP AND EASY.

    WHEEE!

    IF THAT NO WORK, TRY GET PET. IT KEEP COMPANY, AND MAYBE SILLY HUSBAND RELAX.

    SEE? RELAXING.

    ONLY CHOICE, IF THAT NO WORK, IS HIT ON HEAD WITH BIG ROCK, THEN GO OUT WITH FRIENDS.

    HAPPY DATE NIGHT!

    STEVE SMITH SURE ADVICE WORK!

     

    HOPE ALL FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE ENJOY ADVICE!

    FREE CASCADIA!

  • ZARDOZ FRIDAY NIGHT LINKS AND ADVICE

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS BEEN INFORMED THAT MANY OF THE CHOSEN ONES ARE IMPRISONED IN THEIR DWELLINGS BY EXTREMITY OF COLD. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ GIVES YOU A DOUBLE FEATURE TONIGHT.

    FIRST, ADVICE IN SUPERIOR MANNER TO THAT OF THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY“:

    QI’m a 28-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend or a meaningful relationship. I’m well-educated, nice-looking and have a good sense of humor. But I get shy and nervous around the opposite sex. Compounding that, I seem to have a serious “resting face.” People assume I’m frustrated or angry/grumpy when it’s just my normal expression. I’m worried it makes me unapproachable or appear to be unpleasant.

    I have overcome addiction, attend daily support meetings and have almost a year of sobriety. I avoid bar/club scenes where a lot of people my age socialize. I’m beginning to feel very alone and empty. I asked out a temp at my job, but she had a boyfriend and offered to set me up with a friend of hers. I declined because I was embarrassed.

    My friends tell me it’s a game of numbers, but it hurts being rejected all the time. I see beautiful, nice women with men who treat them badly, and I obsess over what’s wrong with me. My experience with women is limited. I’m not looking for a commitment, just some friends to share good times and laughter with. I’d love to have someone to spend time with before loneliness awakens previous bad habits. — ABOUT TO GIVE UP IN CONNECTICUT

    A: LOOK, BRUTAL, THIS IS SIMPLE. TAKE A LOOK AT ZED’S FATHER PUTTING THE SMOOTH MOVES ON HIS MOM:

    THINK YOU CAN MANAGE THAT? PROBABLY NOT, BUT IF YOU DO…

    THE BIG PROBLEM IS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…

    AND THAT IS EVIL! SO KNOCK IT OFF AND KEEP AWAY FROM THE FEMALE BRUTALS. LOOKS LIKE A ONE-WAY TRIP TO LONESOMEVILLE FOR YOU. IF NOT…

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    AND NOW FOR THE SECOND HALF OF OUR DOUBLE FEATURE….LINKS! GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

    • ZARDOZ EXPECTS MUCH SEPPUKU TO RESULT FROM THIS….ZARDOZ IS PLEASED!
    • I AM SURE THE BRUTAL MULLAHS ARE SHIVERING IN THEIR TURBANS…NOT.
    • NOW THAT IS HOW A MONARCH SHOULD BEHAVE! GOING OUT TO SHOOT…WAIT, BIRDS, NOT BRUTALS? NEVERMIND.
    • SPEAKING OF NIPPON…ZARDOZ SHAKES HIS STONE HEAD.

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.