Category: Fiction

  • What Are We Reading – December 2019

    SugarFree

    I enjoyed Paperbacks from Hell: The Twisted History of ‘70s and ‘80s Horror Fiction, Grady Hendrix’s romp through the post-Stephen King boom in horror publishing. I’m consumed quite a bit of horror from this era and I still found quite a few books–bizarre, deranged, amazing books– that I want to read.

    For example, here is Hendrix describing Toy Cemetary, by William C. Johnstone:

    Toy Cemetery (1987) achieves maximum Johnstone. Vietnam vet Jay Clute returns to Victory, Missouri, where he grew up, with nine-year-old daughter Kelly in tow. Within hours of his arrival, Jay discovers that the two major local landmarks are (1) an enormous doll factory in the center of town run by an obese pedophile named Bruno Dixon, who films satanic kiddie porn in it, and (2) a high-security hospital/mental institution/underground research facility that houses the “products of incest,” enormous man-monsters with apple-sized heads and superhuman strength. Tiny toys run amok, as does incest. Jay and his daughter almost hook up their first night, only to snap out of it when the crosses they’re wearing clink together.

    Reading this book is like driving through a dust storm while in a post-concussion haze: the harder you try to focus, the more everything slips away into an insanity vortex. A supermarket check-out girl’s head explodes, but no one seems to mind. Possessed teenage boys follow Kelly through town, waggling their inappropriate boners until she fights them with karate and kills one with an ax. Everyone has a secret doll collection. A tiny French general leads a toy army.

    Johnstone piles incident on incident, trope on trope, and if something isn’t working he keeps on piling. When time itself needs to be brought to a screeching halt, Jay Clute just pulls out his gun and shoots a clock. Because clocks make time, right? In William W. Johnstone’s world, why not?

    Who could possibly resist?

    OMWC

    Partway through painful progress on Quantum Mechanics and Path Integrals by Richard Feynman and Albert Hibbs. At one time, this would have been light reading for me… in any case, this is a much deeper dive into the basic concepts outlined in Volume 3 of the Feynman Lectures at a math level that’s challenging but not impenetrable. Feynman basically disassembled the foundations of quantum theory and recast it in a novel approach to least-action and uses this method to attack the classical problems in quantum theory (e.g., harmonic oscillators, many-body, perturbation theory) in literally a more dynamic fashion than the basic Heisenberg/Schroedinger/Dirac approaches I was taught.

    Yes, I’m a geek.

    SP

    I’ve been reading more escapist books. This month it’s been the Ruth Galloway series by Elly Griffiths. Ruth is a forensic archaeologist in Norfolk, England, who is sometimes brought in by the local police to lend her expertise when bones crop up in various places and situations. One of her best friends is a practicing Druid. Good, light reading.

    Brett L

    I haven’t read a damn thing worth a damn this month. Limitless Lands is probably the best of a bad bunch on Kindle Unlimited. I’m coming out of the closet, I’m kind of a Lit-RPG fan. Anyhow, I like the character and the writing of this one. A little military worshipful for me, and the character somehow joins a faction that is basically the Roman Empire if it had outlawed slavery and other brutal practices.

    Jesse.in.mb

    The Vine Witch by Luanne G. Smith. A light read, pretty perfect for a flight and killing time while I can’t sleep on CET. Some of the plots go unresolved, but nothing too egregious.

    JW

    I feel like I’ve graduated. This morning, I read the back of an oatmeal box. Did you know that Quakers had buckles on their shoes?

  • Ink and Infatuation, Part 1

    The events of this story take place within the Tarnished Sterling universe shortly after the events of Shadowrealm, but no deep understanding of that setting should be required to understand it.

    * * *

    Carol Hardtop tried to hide behind her notebook. The fact that no one was paying her any attention made this easier. Her embarrassment stemmed from her hair. After having been told not to dye her hair, she’d gone ahead and tried to do so. The result had been horrible streaks of light and dark that looked just dreadful to Carol. The punishment was having to live with it, at least for a few days. So, she curled up in the corner of the armchair, hiding behind her notebook. It was an old chair, a bit threadbare, but it held great sentimental value. Her earliest memories were of sitting with her father in that chair, learning how to read. So even when they got a new living room set, she’d protested the idea of throwing the old chair out. Now it sat in the sun room, staring out the massive windows at the twisted old tree that had given her nightmares when she was younger. Though no one could actually see her, Carol still hid, and scribbled in her notebook. Mostly, she wrote love stories, trying to give people the happily ever after they deserved.

    The crunch of tires on their gravel driveway perked up her ears, but she did not move. From the repeated attempted to get the driver’s side door to stay shut, she knew it was only her brother. In her unassailable opinion, the rolling scrap heap David called a car should have been junked years ago. Hearing him swear and kick the car door gave Carol a start. David loved that rustbucket. She couldn’t fathom why, but he did, and heaping abuse on the jalopy was not something he normally did. So, despite her unfortunate appearance, Carol peered over her notebook as he opened the sun room door. David had headed out in as best an approximation of well dressed as he could manage, putting on an actual button-down shirt and tie. He’d even gone so far as to make sure his hair was neat. That was no longer the case. Something sticky and amber-hued had been dumped on his head and shoulders, streaking his face and adhering his once-white shirt to his lanky frame.

    The foul scowl on David’s face summed it up.

    “Your date went badly?” Carol asked.

    “It wasn’t a date,” David snapped. “It was a prank. She lured me out there to humiliate me – on camera. The video is probably all over the internet by now.” He stomped off inside, and Carol was not surprised to hear the shower start up shortly thereafter. Before she could bury her face back in her notebook, another set of tires crunched on the driveway. A car door closed. A few moments later, the door to David’s car closed. Shortly after that, the tall form of their father appeared in the still-open sun room door. He had the haggard look of someone who’d been driving far too long. He had one suitcase in his left hand, and several more still waiting in the car. Carol beamed at the sight of him.

    “Hey little one,” he said, exhaustion telling in his voice. “What happened to you hair?”

    Turning beet red, Carol ducked behind her notebook again.

    “Let me guess, your mother said you couldn’t dye your hair, and you went ahead and tried to do so anyway?”

    Carol mumbled something by way of confession.

    “Ah, well, I brought you something anyway.”

    Cautiously, she peered over her notebook where Floyd was fishing something out of his jacket. Despite the wrapping of tissue paper, Carol could guess it was a pen from the size and shape of it. She had started collecting pens even before her father’s job had required him to travel. Now he made a habit of bringing them back from wherever he’d been. Most were highly decorative, and not very good as writing implements. Carol accepted this one and gingerly unrolled the tube of tissue paper around it. The nub had poked through and gotten tangled up in the wrapping, resulting in it almost tumbling to the floor when it should have just easily unrolled. It was a fountain pen with a wooden body. A few scraps of paint remained trapped in the depths of the carving, but for the most part it was worn walnut. The shapes carved into the hard wood looked like they’d been designed by someone with no real knowledge of American Indians, and contained motifs from across the continent. Mostly ravens and coyotes from the looks of it, in multiple artistic styles.

    “It’s a genuine antique,” Floyd Hardtop said. “Nineteenth century, hand-carved fountain pen.”

    Carol gave her father a warm smile. He meant well, even if it was an ugly pen. “Thanks, daddy,” she said.

    “Why did your brother leave his car door open?”

    “You know how it doesn’t like to latch,” Carol said, trying not to get drawn into the particulars of David’s ill-fated ‘date’.

    “All right, you be good, and I’ll talk to your mother about taking you to get your hair… evened out.”

    “Thanks.”

    * * *

    Carol finished combing out her now-mahogany locks. She had wanted lighter, but it was easier to cover up her earlier mistakes with a dark shade. It wasn’t the perfect look to her eyes, but no one would point and laugh. Had she been forced to go back to school with the streaky mess… Carol shuddered at the thought. She could live with mahogany. Setting down the comb on her vanity, she sat down in the rockerless rocking chair by the gable window. The house was old, and her bedroom small, but, save for the old tree, it had a superb view of the New Port Arthur skyline. She could see the glittering lights of the downtown highrises, the blinking beacon atop Mount Kline, and the dull glow of street level. A ridge blocked the view of street level proper, but that didn’t spoil the view. Her window also looked out at the roof of the sun room. She had fond memories of sitting out on that roof and watching the skies. Though the city lights made it hard to see the stars most of the time, there had been that one blackout when the sky was allowed to be brilliant.

    She picked up the pen her father had brought back and turned it over in her hands. On one hand, great care had gone into its craftsmanship, with a beautiful piece of wood as the key element. On the other, the end result was still ugly as sin. She couldn’t figure out how to get it open and get at the ink reservoir. Idly, she ran the tip across the top of the current sheet in her notebook. A line of red ink followed. It flowed smoothly and evenly, drawing out every mark and doodle she set it to. Impressed with the doodling, Carol wrote out, “It was a dark and stormy night.” It was the smoothest writing fountain pen she’d run across. Too bad the ink in it was blood red. Failing again to find a means of getting at the internal inkwell, she set the pen down and dropped her notebook atop it.

    The hallway connecting the rooms on the second floor wrapped around the stairwell. Her parents room was by the top of the stairs, at the official front of the house, though most of the time they used the sun room to come and go. The front door looked out upon the sad, abandoned house across the way. David’s room was next to Carol’s, being the very last door anyone would reach on the hall. The bathroom sat between Carol’s closet and her parents’. As she paid the bathroom a visit, she heard the unmistakable crash of thunder, followed by the strumming of heavy downpour on the roof. Finishing up, Carol headed back towards her room. Through David’s open door, she saw him, backlit by the rain-diffused light of the city, staring at the floor. The lights were off, and the flicker of lightning showed an expression so miserable that Carol’s instinct to tease him over the date died.

    “So what happened with Kassidy?”

    David’s gaze flicked up. Seeing nothing but sympathy in Carol’s eyes, he decided to talk.

    “She never actually broke up with Cameron. She said all those things just to get me to believe she might actually be willing to go on a date with me. When I showed up, Cameron dumped a bucket of syrup one me while she filmed it.” David snorted. “She was laughing so hard she might not have managed to keep her phone pointed in the right direction.”

    “What a bitch,” Carol muttered.

    “I’ll get over it,” David said, his voice lacking conviction.

    “Sitting around in the dark won’t help.”

    “Maybe I want to,” David said, but Carol had already reached over and flicked on the light. David’s room was a mirror image of Carol’s, with a similar gable window looking out over the sun room roof, and a closet towards the front of the house. He had hero posters decorating the walls, depicting mostly girls, with the only guys intruding on group portraits. A few were unofficial pin-up variants, mostly hidden where they would not be frequently spotted by their parents. The posters showed a distinct preference for blondes and redheads. Carol’s gaze passed over the familiar enough decor and halted when she saw her brother clearly.

    The redness about his eyes showed where he’d been driven to tears, though he’d evidently already cried them all. The weight of his melancholy was such that he didn’t even bother to chastise Carol for touching his lights. He just sat there, staring at the floor, miserable. Carol nibbled her lip, biting back the commentary on Kassidy that came to mind. It was supposed to have been his first real date with anybody. She decided she had no words for David and slinked away to her room. The rockerless rocking chair sat rather low, but with a pillow on a step stool, it was a perfectly serviceable lounger. Rain strummed against the window panes in an aggressive, if musical, patter. Scooping up the notebook and pen, she tried to put David’s love life from her thoughts, but the sight of him sitting there in the dark would not leave her mind. The only way she could think of to deal with it was to compose a happier resolution.

    Poking the corner of her mouth with the back end of the pen, Carol contemplated the matter. Kassidy was a blonde, so a proper happily ever after would involve a redhead. And if she were secretly a hero, all the better. Red ink on white paper suggested what her colors might be.

    * * *

    The rain subsided by morning, leaving everything damp, with a fresh scent upon the air. A big diesel engine was not a common noise on their street, and the white panel van that stopped across from the Hardtop residence looked decidedly like a moving van. By the time Carol had rubbed the sleep from her eyes and gone through her morning routine, the truck was parked, the rear door rolled up and the ramp fixed in place. Someone was actually moving into the old, abandoned house across the way. She had a sense of deja vu, though no one had ever lived in that house for as long as Carol could remember. David stared out the front door at the aberrant moving truck.

    “Who on Earth?” He left the question unfinished, as at that moment, the person in question appeared. She had loaded a stack of boxes on a hand truck and was rolling it down the ramp. She had a fit, athletic build, and an open, honest face. Her tight jeans and t-shirt accented her curves, while the heavy work boots contrasted sharply. Her complexion was almost cream, tending towards peach at its reddest. Bright green eyes looked out from above the faintest dusting of pale freckles. Her shock of bright red hair was tied back with an emerald ribbon, flaring out in a large poof of hair behind her head. Having gotten the two-wheeled hand cart off the ramp, she pulled it up the driveway and started up the stairs. A look of consternation creased her features as the wheels snagged on the lip of the second stair. One wheel rolled free, while the other remained snagged, twisting the cart about the handle. She blurted out a noise of annoyance as the stack of boxes tumbled from the truck and down the porch steps. Suddenly relieved of her burden, she stumbled back and fell on her rump. David rushed out the door and across the street.

    “Are you all right?”

    “I’m fine, just… annoyed.” Her voice was gentle, soothing.

    Picking up a split box, David found it heavier than expected. Through the damaged cardboard, he saw a stack of parquet floor panels. The sight raised an eyebrow.

    “Flooring?”

    “Well, the floorboards in some of the back rooms are not so great, so I’m going to have to pull them out. The plywood was put on the truck too early and I need to get it emptied a bit to get at it.” She stood up and dusted off the seat of her pants.

    “You’re going to refurbish this house?”

    “Well, I did buy it. It’s my first place of my own.” She smiled a warm, proud grin.

    “Anyone going to help you?”

    “I can’t afford to hire contractors, if that’s what you mean. But nobody’s volunteered so far.”

    Carol had wandered across the street at this point, still nagged by the sense of deja vu. The newcomer looked too young to have a place of her own, let alone be interested in refurbishing a run-down old house all by her lonesome. But the smile she gave David had him almost to the point of blushing.

    “I’m not all that handy,” David said, almost embarrassed, “But… I’d be willing to lend a hand when I don’t have work.”

    “Oh, what do you do?” the newcomer asked.

    David glanced away and sheepishly confessed, “I bus tables at a Pancake House.”

    “I bet you get sick of the smell of pancakes then.”

    “A little.”

    “Well, since you’ve already picked up one of my boxes, why don’t you put it in the corner of the front room?”

    “All right,” David said.

    “My name’s Erin, by the way.”

    A spark of realization struck Carol and she rushed back inside her house.

    * * *

    Travis grumbled at the sound of his phone. Turning off the shower, he dried off his hand before answering the phone. From the ringtone, he already knew what was coming next.

    “Voiceprint Identify,” Shiva said.

    “Identify Shadowdemon,” Travis said.

    “Confirmed.” Shiva was the artificial intelligence running the Community Fund’s headquarters, and any phone call from one of his numbers was bound to be official business. “Category three security alert. On-call member needed to investigate.”

    “All right, Shiva. It will be a few minutes. Category Three is ‘no imminent danger’, right?”

    “Correct.”

    “I’ll call you back when I get dressed.” Travis turned the shower back on long enough to rinse off, then dried off. Instead of donning civilian garb, he acquired Fund-issue undergarments and pulled on his charcoal and gray hero suit. The way the suit hugged the skin was awkward enough without the inopportune problems regular undergarments presented. Travis didn’t like the fit, even though he had the lean, muscular build best suited to it. Donning an oversized domino mask, he carried the rest of his kit to the base command center. A curved room running along part of the perimeter of an underground dome, the command center was dominated by three massive display screens and a holograph table. Setting his gear on the holograph table, Travis found a seat and dialed Shiva.

    “All right, Shiva, what’s going on?”

    “As the on-call member-”

    “I know, I meant ‘what is the alert’?”

    “An internal data integrity audit uncovered an inconsistency.”

    “That sounds like an issue for IT.”

    “The alert originated there.”

    “All right, give me details.”

    “The short version is, there is a record in our database that was not there yesterday. There is no transaction for it to have been added, and all of its history backdated to imitate a valid record several years old. Comparison against previous days’ backups has shown that the record does not exist in those iterations of the database.”

    “Someone broke in and added… what? What type of record are we talking about?”

    “A member.”

    “What?”

    “They have added a complete record for a Community Fund member including details going back as far as their initial application to be a sidekick. The Fund Board authorized decryption of the record and release to the on-call member for investigation.”

    “So…”

    “The technical teams will continue to search for how the intruder was able to go undetected and insert additional information into our database. You have been tasked with running down the information in the record, and see if it points to an actual source.”

    “It could be a trap of some sort.”

    “That possibility does exist.”

    “All right, lets see the phony record.”

    The middle display lit up. Travis’ eye was drawn to the portrait. It showed a girl with bright red hair and a red and white mask running from hairline to upper lip. The codename was listed as ‘Skyline’; the real name, ‘Erin O’Shea’; the birthdate was eighteen years ago yesterday; and the address was a street Travis had never heard of in Wellerby, a suburb just north of the city.

    “Skyline?”

    “Is that a query?” Shiva asked.

    “Well, on one hand the record’s fabricated. On the other, the name is so awful, I can almost believe it. Unique code names being so difficult to come up with these days.”

    “A public records search was conducted, and it verified all of the details,” Shiva said. “However, an intruder skilled enough to have inserted a properly crafted record into our systems could have easily done the same across the other systems.”

    “Easily?”

    “More easily than getting past me,” Shiva said.

    “You sound almost annoyed that they got through.”

    “This is not an area in which I am accustomed to being outperformed.”

    “All right, Shiva. I’ll head on up to Wellerby and see if there is a Skyline at that address.”

    “That is the entirety of your plan?”

    “You and your friends have the technical side covered. The only reason the board would activate the on-call would be to see if there is a physical person to go with the fake record. Since the only address we’ve got is the one in the record, I’m going to see what’s there.”

    * * *

    Continued in Part 2…

  • The Cult of Traditional Publishing, Part 1: The math don’t lie

    I didn’t actually do the math.

    I didn’t have the numbers for one side of the colon. But based on the proliferation of newsgroups, online critique groups, publishing forums in 2008, and the number of such denizens all trying to get published, I could guess. And it was huge.

    Then there was me. 1 : x6214

    Mormons aren’t a cult. I know because I’m a Mormon and I was in a cult. The cult had me far more brainwashed than Mormonism ever did or ever will.


    Maybe it's just me, but I see a lot of green in that cover.
    Maybe it’s just me, but I see a lot of green in that cover.

    I was 15 when I first found out how to go about querying and creating proposals. I even did that a couple of times for Reader’s Digest. I was rejected. It hurt, not because I was rejected, but because I was running out of time. A favorite author’s bio said she was 18 when she first published a book, which she wrote “on a whim”. If I hadn’t done it by 18, well … (Narrator: That was a lie. She was 25.)

    I was eating Harlequin Presents romances for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I knew the formula. I knew the most popular tropes. I had plenty of ideas. I didn’t have such words in my vocabulary as “formula” and “trope.” It was a gut feeling, the natural rhythm of the way a good story is paced.

    You can blame her for my May-December fetish.
    You can blame her for my May-December fetish.

    I never did get a Harlequin Presents romance written. By the time I could actually write a book, I liked Harlequin Superromances better and I trained myself to write within that word count (90,000 to 120,000). It felt more complete than the 55,000 words of Presents. Well, of course it would. It was double.

    So here’s what happened:

    In 1989, I wrote my under-the-bed novel. The apprentice novel. The horrible one. The one you never want to see the light of day. It’s still out there floating around, I think.

    In 1990, I wrote my next novel. It was marginally better.

    In 1991, I wrote my third. It was good. I sent it to a publisher that had launched the careers of a bunch of NYT bestsellers. I got The Call. You know, the one where the editor calls you and congratulates you. Then … nothing. The publisher went out of business. Why? The parent company had bought it for a tax write-off and it made money. So bye bye Kismet. Yes, that was the publisher’s name. Kismet.

    If you are a good writer, you WILL get published. Don’t give up.

    In 1993, I wrote my fourth. It was really good. I sent it to Harlequin and got The Call. Sorta. The editor said, “I love this book. However, I bought one fairly similar last month that is not as good as yours, but I can’t break that contract and I can’t sell this to my editorial board. Send me something else. NAO.” I gave a brief rundown of book #3 and she passed.

    That really is Win 3.x green rivets background.
    That really is Win 3.x green rivets background.

    So I got an agent with book 4. That relationship ended in disaster after she read book 2 and told me to get a therapist. (Narrator: That book was revamped a few times, published, and remains the fan favorite.)

    In 1993, I started writing my pirate novel. I knew what I wanted to do. I also knew I didn’t have the chops to do it, so I fiddled with it for years.

    If you are a good writer, you WILL get published. Don’t give up.

    In 1993, I wrote book 5. It also got me The Call. An editor at Harlequin called me up on a Saturday morning and said, “I want to read the rest of this book. Overnight it.” She called me Tuesday evening and said, “I love this book—except the ending.” Me, having been trained to be a good, dutiful, well-behaved author, said, “I’ll rewrite it!” She sighed and said, “No, that would ruin the book. It has the ending it needs. I just can’t sell it.”

    If you are a good writer, you WILL get published. Don’t give up.

    In 1995, I was a senior in college in the creative writing program. My professor was the faculty supervisor of the uni’s lit rag. After my first assignment, he told me I had an A in the class and I could just skip the rest of the semester because he couldn’t teach me anything. But he would count it a personal favor if I stayed and did the assignments because he loved my work. That class was 8:00 a.m. after I’d spent the night working a graveyard shift at a gas station. You better believe I went to class.

    I wrote a story. He was disappointed in me for giving it a “romance novel ending,” but otherwise he loved it. My senior advisor for my capstone project happened to be a Latin teacher (no idea why) who was absolutely fascinated by my creative process. She said, “I don’t care what you do, just tell me why and how you do it.” Okay, so I expanded on my story that had caught my attention.

    It so happened that I was in Shakespeare 480 class or whatever really high number and we were studying Hamlet. I decided that somehow my religious allegory for the atonement (with a romance-novel ending) and Hamlet should go together like bread and butter. It didn’t. I couldn’t make that plot work.

    Oh, bullshit. Good generals know when to retreat.
    Oh, bullshit. Good generals know when to retreat.

    If you are a good writer, you WILL get published. Don’t give up.

    So I was bored at my graveyard job and in class and wrote book 6. That one got me a literary agent who loved it, but could not sell it, either.

    If you are a good writer, you WILL get published. Don’t give up.


    Let us stop a moment and draw the obvious conclusion.

    It was about now I started messing with making my own galleys of book 6. I was never going to self-publish, oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Only bad writers self-published. It was the kiss of death. Even if you really were good, a publisher would never publish someone who had published himself. Still … that galley looked awfully pretty. I hesitantly called up a printer as if I were calling up a gigolo to take my virginity for me, knowing I was going to go to hell for it when I died, and said,

    “Yeah, um … how … much … would this cost?”

    “Twenty grand.”

    “Bye.”

    So even my attempt at committing the ultimate sin was unavailable to me.

    I gave up. I had enough near-misses to let me know I wasn’t a bad writer, but clearly not good enough and I obviously didn’t know how to hit the Harlequin bullseye after all.

    No, I didn’t give up trying to get published. I gave up writing altogether.

    Fast forward to 2004. I’ve gotten married. I’ve had a baby. I’ve gotten a work-at-home profession as a medical transcriptionist and was doing okay. I’ve got no creative outlet. I refuse to write and only occasionally fiddled with my pirate novel, and once in a while, I tried to make that Hamlet-atonement plot that wouldn’t work, work.

    I wasn’t entirely stupid. I still had them on floppies.
    I wasn’t entirely stupid. I still had them on floppies.

    My husband had read one of my books and liked it. He had urged me to query it again. I had. I had gotten swiftly and roundly rejected. Apparently, it hadn’t stood the test of time. In anger, I had burned all my manuscripts in the barbecue grill.

    I’ve still got no creative outlet except … counted cross stitch. I love it. (Narrator: Loved. She killed that by making it into a business.) There were lots of things I wanted to stitch, so I learned how to convert them into patterns. I then went online and found out people who were “superstars” in the cross stitch pattern world had started out doing their own and just pitched them to shops and then got picked up by distributors. Self-publishing your patterns was the mark of a professional. So I did that. Turns out, what I like and what a lot of other people like aren’t the same, and the few who did like my patterns weren’t enough to pay the bills.

    All those bubbles in my head...
    All those bubbles in my head…

    That fizzled after a few years of tinkering with it. I was okay with that. I’d had another baby. I was working my ass off at medical transcription because I had moved into a house that we should never have bought and had started having expensive problems. (Narrator: Two weeks after moving in, the back patio sliding door fell out. Just … fell out. That was a very cold winter.)

    Fast forward to 2007.

    One night, after having invoiced my contractor for my medical transcription work (it was a lot of money), I was very depressed. Not even my newly-doubled-dose of antidepressants was helping. (Narrator: Sometimes you don’t have depression. Sometimes your life just sucks.) As one gets older, one should be making more money for less effort. Otherwise, you’re not life-ing right. I sent my bill and sat there in the dark and looked at my computer. I opened up book 6 and I read my own work for the first time in years.

    It was like somebody else had written it, and it was good. Like, really good. I went to bed even more depressed and discouraged and asking, “Why did I give up on myself?”

    I woke up the next morning with the solution to my now-decade-old plot problem and I got to writing.

    The rollercoaster car had left the station.

  • A Look Back at the Turn of the Century

    Gather round children. I’ll tell you a story from back at the turn o the century. I happened upon this while I was searching through old belongings, a tale I had done forgot I told…

    I seriously had forgotten I wrote this.

  • What Are We Reading – November 2019

    Brett L

    I finished Mark Lawrence’s newest trilogy (Impossible Times). It is a closed loop time-travel story centering around a British D&D group. It starts in the early 80s, where the teen protagonist has cancer. He is visited by a future version of himself, who is focused on getting an advanced technology to record memories to his past version so they can record the memories of their sweetheart who will have a serious brain trauma in 30 years. Like all of Lawrence’s stuff, its very readable. I was disappointed about the deus ex machina in the third book that tied everything up in a neat “they all lived happily ever after” bow. Although I will say that the effort put into making the characters’ D&D campaign foreshadow the actual story is fun. Would read again, especially at the cheap price-point.

     

    jesse.in.mb

    Grindr.

    Martin L. Shoemaker – The Last Dance (The Near-Earth Mysteries Book 1). I don’t know that it’s quite a mystery novel. The facts of the case are clear from the start and it’s a matter of context and judgement that make up the suspense of the novel. The sentiments are libertarianish about judgements needing to be made close to home. The cadence of the book was enjoyable, though maybe not to the point of being gripping. I’ll be interested in where Mr. Shoemaker takes the series.

    JW

    Krispy Kritters box. Man, this has really given me a new outlook on life.

     

    mexican sharpshooter

    I am afraid I have nothing for you this month.

    OMWC

    I have even less than mexican unless you want to hear about exciting things like Dow Guide to Flexible Foams. Having Mom here pretty much takes all my non-work time. The books are on the shelf crying in loneliness.

     

    SP

    I’m a little burnt out, so I’ve been reading escapist books. Mostly John Rebus books by Ian Rankin.

    I also read The Red Baron of Arizona  which could serve as a useful primer on how to become a con artist. This guy was seriously dedicated, going to great lengths to pull it off. The book was made into a movie starring Vincent Price, but it’s part of The Criterion Collection, so I haven’t seen it yet.

    Does anyone here subscribe to the The Criterion Channel (TedS?)? Is it worth it?

     

    SugarFree

    I’ve been reading books about murderous children: Carrie and Firestarter by Stephen King, The Bad Seed by William March, The Midwich Cuckoos by John Wyndham, The Other by Thomas Tryon, “The Little Assassian” by Ray Bradbury, “Children of the Kingdom” by T. E. D. Klein. No real reason why, I just got interested. There are more for me to read. It’s a substantial subgenre.

     

     

     

  • Injun Zombie Presidential Candidate #4: Out of Breath

    Episode 1

    Episode 2

    Episode 3

    Charlie woke with a start. He fumbled around in the wispy, pale moonlight fluttering through the curtains of the open window. With a crash, he found his cup of water, spilling it on the floor of the Airstream trailer.

    The dreams were getting worse now that Lizzie had run away. Thoughts began to peek through his rational facade that scared him. He didn’t even have a frame of reference to process his fear that she was somehow telepathically connected with him. He thought of the way that she absorbed the personality traits of those she ate. Maybe it worked both ways. Maybe the Demon was in him, too. He rubbed an old scar from a particularly nasty session with Lizzie. He flashed back to the struggle, wincing while he remembered how she bit straight through his skin when he tried to restrain her.

    He knew that the undead had traits that seemed fantastic to the uninitiated, but he and the Scientist could always find a biological reason for those traits. Telepathy? That seemed more Star Trek than Frankenstein.

    A clink of glass carried across the trailer from the Scientist’s quarters. Charlie didn’t know what time it was, but he knew he could really use a stiff drink and somebody to talk to. He grabbed a pair of tumblers and a bottle of scotch as he shimmied his way through the public space to the obviously aftermarket door and wall that denoted the start of the Scientist’s lab and personal quarters.

    The murmur of a pair of low voices piqued Charie’s curiosity. It wasn’t uncommon to have unannounced visitors come in the night, but usually he knew about it. Following a terse knock, Charlie let himself in. He found himself standing in front of a familiar face that he hadn’t seen for a long time. Abner had to be over 100 years old, but he hardly looked a day over 65. The cause of his youthful look was dribbling down his chin. He finished the iridescent yellow elixir with a swig. The Scientist’s anti-aging serum wasn’t the best tasting drink Charlie had ever quaffed, but one couldn’t argue with the results.

    “Abner! What are you doing so far from home?” Charlie’s tone betrayed that he was more surprised at the identity of the messenger than the fact that a messenger was in his trailer in Nowhere, Oklahoma at God-knows-what-hour of night.

    “Well,” Abner’s voice cracked as he cringed at the aftertaste of the serum, “I have some good news, some useful information, and an earnest plea.”

    Charlie set down the tumblers and opened the scotch bottle. He poured enough in each glass to require care as he handed the Scientist one.

    “I take it you don’t want your drink in that,” Charlie nodded at the test tube still clutched in Abner’s fist. Abner looked down at his hand and set the test tube into the laboratory sink alongside a small pile of dirty glassware. Charlie ducked his head out into the kitchen and retrieved a third tumbler.

    “I was just telling the Scientist that they sent me here to release you from this dusty perdition. Out of an abundance of caution we wanted to let things cool off after the Clark Panel report, but you can return to Massachusetts,” Abner probed for a reaction from Charlie, knowing full well that the Scientist was too stoic to provide satisfaction. Charlie obliged, sighing relief. The Oklahoma exile was hard for all of them, but Charlie felt like he was starting to go a little bit mad.

    “So that’s the good news, what is the useful information?” the Scientist showed uncharacteristically earnest curiosity. Charlie noticed that the Scientist’s scotch glass was already nearly empty.

    “Well, you need to return to Massachusetts this week because we have solid information leading us to the conclusion that Elizabeth is on her way to visit Edward.” Abner downed his scotch in a gulp, bracing himself for an onslaught. Charlie flinched at the mention of Lizzie’s name, and again at the mention of Teddy’s. To say that this business of the undead had gotten out of control was an understatement.

    “I just want to finish by asking you to think carefully about what you’re about to do. You know as well as I do that Lizzie is a confused girl dealing with more than any,” Abner paused with  a look of unease as he searched for the correct word, “person should have to. Don’t write her off like you did Jack. She can still be saved!”

    Without waiting for a response, Abner dropped his gaze away from his compatriots and grabbed a duffel bag resting on a lab stool. He retrieved a lined sheet of paper previously torn from a spiral bound notebook and folded in half. He placed it on the middle of the table with a tangible resignation in his demeanor.

    “Martha’s Vineyard by the 19th. You’ll need to hurry, but we don’t foresee Lizzie getting there any sooner. Even if she does, Teddy’s gonna be busy screwing all of Bobby’s fangirls the night before, so he won’t have time for his sister. However, a two day regatta is one day too long for a Kennedy.” With a curt nod, Abner let himself out.

    Charlie picked up the note, an address in Massachusetts, and stuck it into his front pocket with an absent minded gaze at nothing in particular. After nearly a year of confusion, concern, and anger it was time to go get Lizzie back.


    “Mmmmmmmm…… aaaaahhhhhhhhh,” the distinctive nasal voice of Teddy Kennedy would’ve been recognizable by Lizzie even if she was blindfolded. Maybe it was the years they spent together in Oklahoma before he was ready to replace the stand-in. Maybe it was the cloying mix of pretentious New England fart huffer with idiot Boston fishmonger. Whatever it was, it seemed to grate on Lizzie more than in the past. As she lay prone on the floorboard of the Oldsmobile 88, she could hear the unmistakable rhythm of skin smacking skin.

    “Ohhhhhhh…. yeaaaaaaahhhhh,” Teddy moaned in pleasure, shaking the car with his awkward thrusts. “mmmmnnmmmm” groaned a feminine voice, resembling more an incoherent gag than a sexual oratory.

    “Where’s Crimmins?” Lizzie matter of factly queried, popping her head up between the seats. Teddy jolted upright, his flinch launching his human codpiece into the dashboard, hard. Teddy’s hands began to shake as he responded.

    “Jjjjj- Joan, it’s not what it looks like.” He stammered, covering his throbbing manhood with his fly. He began to zip his pants up.

    “Oh, that’s not Joan draped over the console?” Lizzie smirked as she leaned her head into a ribbon of light cutting through the cabin. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, what would Joanie think about this? Little brother Teddy’s out here getting his knob polished by some whore and Joanie’s probably back at home getting freight trained by Teddy’s friends.”

    “Shit, Sis! What the hell?!?” Teddy immediately relaxed, turning his head with a faint smile contrasting the beads of sweat forming where his brow previously furrowed. “I don’t even know what you just said, but I’m glad it’s you and not somebody else! Now… get out.” He slammed on the brakes, kicking up a cloud of dust and flinging the unconscious girl in the front seat back into the dashboard.

    “Little brother, I can’t get out. I have nowhere to go. I need your help.” Lizzie transformed her personality into the insecure tormented girl that Teddy remembered. “I…. I” she expertly quivered her lip, feigning fear and insecurity “I ran away. I couldn’t take it any more!”

    “What can I do about it?” Teddy dismissively retorted. “As you can see, I have enough secret squirrel shit going on in my life right now. I don’t need to go flitting off with my fugitive sister.”

    “Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. You always were in need of firm guidance. I’m sorry that Joan can’t keep you better heeled.” Lizzie’s condescension dripped like the blood flecked drool pooling under the passenger girl’s mouth. “You’re never gonna become President if you keep slipping the leash and disappointing all the women in your life.”

    “Fuck you, Lizzie! I’m gonna be President like my brother. Like my other brother should have been. I’m gonna do it, and I’m gonna do it the right way! Charlie and the Scientist are fools, but they can get me where I need to be. They can get me into the Oval Office!” He raged while shaking the steering wheel, white knuckles apparent in the gleam of a far off light. “And one more thing, you stupid, conniving bitch! I don’t need any fucking woman to get into the White House. No woman is gonna get me there and no woman is gonna prevent me from getting there! I don’t need Joan, and I don’t need an older sister who nags me like a disappointed mom! You don’t know better! You don’t know jack shit, and I don’t know where you get off coming all the way up here to try to fuck with my head! It ain’t my fault you bailed out on Charlie and the Scientist!”

    “I DO KNOW BETTER THAN YOU!” Lizzie roared. “AND I AM YOUR MOTHER! HEED ME OR FEEL MY WRATH!”

    As the momentary fear and surprise cleared from Teddy’s face, he began to chuckle. “I guess Lizzie finally found a set of balls. Now, I still don’t know why you’re here and I don’t know why you think I need your advice. I already told you I’m not in a position to help you.”

    Lizzie smirked, holding her dramatic pause for perfect effect. “Well, what about the dead hooker in your passenger seat?”

    Teddy glanced over unconcernedly. ” She’s not dead, and she’s not a hooker. Look, she’s fine. Here, here you go.” He pulled the girl’s head over to inspect her face. Lizzie noticed that her makeup was smeared like a Picasso painting and her eyelids were halfway open. “Maggie, Maggie! No wait, Martha! No, that’s not right… Mary! Mary Jo! Yeah that’s it! Mary Jo! Wake up, it’s time to go!”

    “Unghhhhhhh…. mmmmmmmmmmnnnnmmmmmm” Mary Jo mumbled. Blood seeped from her nose and blended with her hooker red lipstick.

    “This girl is going to ruin you Teddy. She has to go.” Lizzie cajoled. “She can’t be allowed to talk Teddy, she’d destroy you and take my plans down with you. She has to go.”

    “Wwww-what should we do?” Teddy stammered. “Maybe if I take her home she won’t remember anything.”

    “Please, Teddy. She probably has a skull fracture, and your car is covered in her blood.” Lizzie dispassionately explained. “She has to go.”

    “No, I’m not one for dirty work like that. I’m not like you.” His fear cut through any fortitude he tried to muster.

    “You’re right.” Lizzie whispered, simultaneously grasping Mary Jo’s head and twisting until a gruesome crack echoed through the cabin. “I can handle the dirty work.” She dropped the lifeless body of Mary Jo Kopechne back into the passenger seat without a hint of emotion. “Now drive down to the dike. We need to dispose of the trash.”

    After ditching the car in the water, Teddy and Lizzie began the long walk back to civilization, bantering like siblings, reflecting back on their time together 1500 miles away in Oklahoma.

    “You’ve really changed Lizzie. That little girl I knew in Oklahoma doesn’t exist anymore. You’re confident, driven. There’s no conflict anymore.” Teddy observed, breaking the silence that had settled in as they walked around the emptiness of Martha’s Vineyard.

    “I know what needs to happen. I have a plan now. I know best. Not Charlie, not the Scientist. I am right, and all I need is the power to make things right.” Lizzie explained. “You can have your Presidency, but I’ll be the first woman President, I’ll make sure the American people act like they should. No more chaos. No more disorganization. I can harmonize it all. I can control the uncontrollable. I can make America do the right thing in glorious lockstep. It will be…” she paused in what appeared to be genuine emotion “beautiful.”

    “Lizzie, you’ve made strides in adapting to being around them,” Teddy gestured broadly toward the distant lights of the town, “but you’re not ready yet. Charlie and the Scientist are right to take it slowly with you. You’re a bit much to handle in a social setting. Your emotions are all over the place. You make people uncomfortable. And besides, even if you were ready for the rise to power, America isn’t ready for a woman President. You need to bide your time and make yourself boring. Lizzie Warren should remind people of that caring schoolteacher or the gentle motherly neighbor, not of a thunderstorm personified.”

    “You are wise beyond your years, Teddy.” Lizzie patted him on the shoulder. “You’re right. I’ll go reconcile with Charlie and the Scientist. Just like you, I need them for a while longer. Now I’ll go make myself boring. Maybe in a few years I’ll even remind you of that headteacher that I ate.”

    Teddy chuckled as they parted ways.

    Meanwhile, Charlie started awake after yet another nightmare. Pharoah Lizzie spent all night whipping slaves until they were in a perfect geometric procession. Charlie still smarted from the licks of the lash he had earned as he struggled to keep stride.

  • The Glibening, Part Eleven: Ramesh Gupta, Reanimator

     

    Previously…

    As they walked down the corridor the peppy Latin music started up again, and grew louder as they walked. They passed a door labelled “Men” and from around the next corner Ramesh saw a man in a black dress and low-crowned, broad brimmed hat approaching, as he got closer Ramesh saw the simple wooden cross on the twine around his neck, and the notched collar on whatever the dress-type garment was called – some sort of clerical outfit.

    Hello, Your Holiness,” giggled the Canadian.

    Hello Rufus, Heathen. I’ll pray for you both. Better get to your boy, he’s crying like the sissy bitch he is.”

    Today’s story…

    (Music)

    Thank God they’re not getting deployed together. But don’t say anything.”

    Okay.”

    Ramesh followed Rufus down a series of turns, they passed a few more people.

    Hey, Yufus.”

    A guy dressed like one of the “soldiers” at Jamestown, complete with helmet, sword and gun sauntered by in the opposite direction.

     

     

    “’Sup, Trey?”

    Finally, they reached the source of the peppy Latin music, a door standing slightly ajar from which the unmistakable aroma of marijuana smoke wafted. Rufus grabbed the edge of the door to steady it while he knocked.

    Hey, Mario. It’s me and Doc B.” The music stopped.

    Come in, guys.”

    Mario was completely not what Ramesh expected, a shortish anglo guy dressed like one of the stockroom guys from Mr. Selfridge. There was another guy in the room, too. A tall, thin guy dressed as a medieval european peasant.

     

     

    The room was very sparely furnished, like a dorm room at an agricultural college. There were two twin beds, each on its own side of the room, but deep wear marks in the linoleum told another story, one in which the beds were pushed together regularly. There was also a large wheeled plastic bin full of personal items, thrown in haphazardly; Pope Benedict glared out at Rami from behind the glass of a framed picture at the top of the heap. The only items remaining around the room were the furniture and two suitcases, one on each bed.

    Scruffy here actually does get to be a herdsman. Somebody has a sense of humor. Look at you, Doc. Nice suit. Is that a badge?”

    I,” said Rami proudly, “am going to be Preet Bharara’s chief henchman.” He didn’t know why he had used the word “henchman.” United States Attorneys didn’t have henchmen, comic book villains had henchmen. But it seemed to have done the trick.

    Whoa, hologram theory confirmed,” snickered Mario. “Anyone want to toke up?”

    No, but I have something for you from Godwin,” said Ramesh extending the bag.

    Schweet,” said Mario, crossing himself as he took the weed from Ramesh.

    “Good thing Axl isn’t here,” observed Scruffy, rolling his eyes at the suitcase on the other bed.

    We ran into him down by the Men’s room, eh.”

    Miss Thing has been in a mood all morning,” said Mario. “You’d think that she’d be happy getting to dress as a priest and mumble over wafers, but noooo. Socons, there is just no pleasing them.”

     

     

    Mario opened his suitcase and transferred the weed to a Prince Albert tobacco can which he then returned to the suitcase and passed the empty bag to Scruffy who chucked it into the bin.

    But I’m glad you’re all here,” said Mario choking up. “We may never see each other again. You and Chip,” he said looking at Scruffy, “were the best pledges ever. Remember how you hurled when we told you two what your pledge prank was going to be? I knew right then that it was going to be a special, special night.”

    “‘Sneak into the offices of Daily Femsplaining and steal the tampon disposal box from the women’s restroom in your underwear,’” Scruffy recited blankly, then trembled and turned pale.

     

     

    Nobody believed Rami when he told us what he needed them for, or that it would work, said Mario. “But the prank was epic, regardless. Speaking of the Paw, no hard feelings about the sack tap, yo.”

    The suit coat pocket into which Ramesh had dropped the purse twitched and a small furry hand emerged to flash a peace sign.

    Christ, was Marcotte was pissed. She couldn’t prove it, but she knew,” said Rufus. “And damn did the Paw stink while you were marinating it.”

    Scruffy hucked and grabbed for the wastebasket.

    Mario took a small photo album from behind the suitcase. “This is the one contraband item I wish I could take with me.” The album flopped open.Look, there’s the boys with me and Monégasque.”

    Mario showed a picture of Scruffy and a shorter guy kneeling in their underwear holding up a shiny metal box and pinching their noses, with Mario and a tall guy standing behind them grinning drunkenly at the camera and pointing at the box.

     

     

    May I see it,” asked Ramesh.

    Mario passed over the album which flopped closed in transit. As Ramesh flipped through the album he saw a number of pictures of himself, but in places and with people he didn’t know. On the last page there was a photo from the production number with himelf in the Gujarati shaman’s outfit with all the swastikas; that costume had cheesed off his boss more than the taunting lyrics or the mooning. He examined the picture closely. It did not appear to have been doctored. He wished he could sneak the picture back to the courthouse to have the techs examine it for tells that it had been ‘shopped.

    But the the shaman in the video he saw had been someone else, the same person as the guy in the lobby pushing the cleaning cart, but it was as if that person never existed here. He looked up from the album to see Rufus smirking at him.

    You’ve always been here, Rami.”

    Okay, guys. Let’s do this.” Mario took the photo album from Rami and threw it in the bin. He then stood up, grabbed his suitcase and headed for the door.

  • The Glibening, Part Ten: The Triumph of Preet Bharara

    This type of portrait is known as a head shot. The flag is obligatory for federal officials, but the pattern is a visual distraction and it divides the picture into two fields.

     

    Previously…

    Preet Bharara inserted the business end of the nose hair trimmer into his left nostril, held his breath and pressed the power button. The unit whirred and he worked it around then pulled it out and blew out that nostril onto the small towel hung round his neck by the chain and clamps rig a former lawclerk had left behind in her desk.

    He was still stinging from the Woodchipper Incident. He could have gotten away with that, too, for at least for long enough to have gotten their addresses, if it hadn’t been for the pesky internet. He had been publicly humiliated, even called a “muttonhead,” by a prominent First Amendment attorney. His attempt to use a court order to prevent them from even talking about it had backfired spectacularly. But he had taken the heat and managed to keep Judge Forrest’s profile as low as possible; something the bench was sure to notice.

    He trimmed inside his right nasal passage and blew out his right nostril productively. He removed the thin towel with the words “US GOVERNMENT” woven into one end and shook it out over the trashcan before dropping it in the official government hamper. He washed his face and took a fresh towel from the stack. He inspected himself again in the mirror.

    Fortune had smiled upon him unexpectedly. At that very moment his top man was strolling through the offices of Thought! magazine tagging along with NYPD on a crazy girl call that had come in that morning during the taskforce meeting. No warrant needed. Even if they were squeaky clean, and he knew they weren’t, NYPD would manage to find something.

    Having found no flaw, he opened the dry cleaning bag hanging from the back of the door and removed a black robe which he slipped over his head. Next, the wig, from its wooden stand next to the mirror. Once properly enrobed and bewigged he examined himself one final time. Perfect.

    Preet exited the bathroom into the robing room. He pressed the button that caused a light on the court clerk’s bench to flash, then slowly walked to the door to the courtoom. Sarah was right on time with the gavel; three perfectly timed raps. He was foregoing the “oyez” and formal opening of court for the occasion. Richard and Corey, the courthouse technicians, were crouched behind their video cameras, grinning. Court staff loved to torture interns and lawclerks whenever possible, and this was a welcome break from taping oral arguments and portrait ceremonies.

    Interns Dorian, Raymond and Ming stood awkwardly behind the lawclerk bench wearing robes and wigs shorter and less ornate than his own, making their tights and silver-buckled shoes more prominent. Mediocre legal scholars, but gifted singers, all. Last June he had had Ramesh assemble all of the serious resumes into a single pdf document so he could search that for “choir,” “chorus,” and so on. Once he had his backup singers chosen he read their resumes and created notes justifying his hiring decisions based on their legal merits – just like creating a parallel construction for a prosecution.

    Ramesh. His favorite. His protege. A brilliant legal mind, but the boy couldn’t carry a tune in a sack. He so wanted to text Rami to ask for a progress report, but he had resolved to let Rami conduct this all by himself. He trusted Rami, despite the boy’s penchant for independent, sometimes unorthodox, thought. He was glad Ramesh was soon to be married, a good, practical Indian wife would whip him into shape.

    The robing room door opened behind the judge’s bench, the judge’s chair had been removed for the taping. He strode measuredly towards the bench to give the door a chance to close; Richard flashed him the thumbs up to cue him that the door had shut. The guys were really good at what they did; he’d have never thought about the open door and robing room lights being a distracting background.

    He daintily grasped the slender shaft of the judge’s gavel, raising it theatrically and miming a rap in the air. Sarah hit the play button on the Karaoke machine and everyone started to sway to the doo-wop beat. The interns had been rehearsing for months. This was their big moment, the culmination of their internships. The next few minutes would determine their careers, if not the future course of American jurisprudence.

    Lyrics appeared on the screen in the back of the courtoom behind the cameras. He waited for the ball to touch the first letter, and began singing.

     

     

    Oh, yes, I’m the Great Preetinder,

    He remembered hearing the song on the radio as a young boy in Eatontown, New Jersey. He had always thought the song was about someone named Preetinder, someone like him. Until the day in sixth grade when Angus Cohen had slammed him up against a locker. “That song isn’t about you, fag, it’s about pretending to be something you’re not.”

    He had abandoned the song until one day it occurred to him that it didn’t matter what the actual lyrics said; what mattered was the interpretation which sounded right to a contemporary audience. The song should be interpreted in manner that made the most sense the context of today, author’s original intentions be damned. By the time he was in high school it had become his personal fight song which he hummed to psych up for tests and debate matches.

    Do, Re, and Mi, as they were known throughout the courthouse, harmonized “woo, woo,” sweat running down their faces under the hot television lighting.

    Preetinding that I’m doing well,

    Doing very well indeed, thank you. And not pretending, in either sense of the word, but Preetinding. A special sort of thing that only someone named Preetinder could do. Preetidude. The Preetness.

    He was getting interviewed on Thursday by Judy Woodruff about his take-down of Silk Road. Normally he wouldn’t grant an interview, but PBS was respectable television. And it didn’t hurt that Ms. Woodruff was still quite attractive. Washington had not only approved of the Woodruff interview, but had broadly hinted that it would be a very good thing for him. That could only mean he was being groomed for something higher.

    He’d instantiate the humble civil servant saving the internet from organized crime. Unfortunately, a website which just moved money around didn’t sound very sinister. But DOJ had prepared a slideshow explaining why untraceable financial transactions were a Very Bad Thing. And illegal. And drugs.

    Woodruff’s people had asked if they could redo the slideshow with “higher production values,” to which DOJ headquarters had also, surprisingly, agreed provided that DOJ got to review the final for accuracy. Media people were notorious for wanting to “simplify” things which meant sexing them up at the expense of accuracy.

    My need is such I Preetind to much,

    It had been a long, hard climb to get to where he was today. Chess club. Forensic speaking. Debate club. Law review. Internships.

    He had worked not only for himself, but for all Indians. The Indian-American community was strongly self-policing. They were determined to prove themselves as a hard-working, modern people. Doctors, lawyers, small merchants. Indians left all that village shaman bullshit back in India. And the swastikas. The woodchipper people had trolled him hard on that. They had no sense of restraint; there was nothing funny about Nazism or even the snarky implication thereof, and there was particularly nothing funny about debating which way to feed a federal judge into a woodchipper.

     

    A headshot with a uniform background. This is a female US Supreme Court justice from the early Twenty-First century wearing much simpler court dress.

     

    I’m lonely but no one can tell,

    Someone who was lonely because he spent too much time on work to have real friends. But loneliness and hard work were the price for becoming the man of the hour. He’d show Jindal and Haley who was the chief Indian; national office beckoned him like a Seventh Avenue whore.

    Laughing and gay like the clown.

    He’d have the last laugh over the Woodchipper people, and clowns were sinister after all. They’d never see this, but in his heart he’d know that he could put on a better production number than them. Rip off Bollywood, would they? He’d reach deep into American culture and show them he could best them at their own game. Bum-flashing antics, bad lyrics and muddy single-camera recording were no match for what the mighty powers of the federal government could bring to bear.

     

    Another dreadful example of official portraiture. Bookshelves of law books are an almost obligatory background for judicial portraits. The shelves create lines going through the subject’s body, making the whole thing look choppy.

     

    Word of it would eventually get back to them, though. He was planning to show the finished product at Bar Talent Night at the Second Circuit Judicial Conference this Summer. The Woodchipper people had friends in surprising places; he could think of at least two law professors who would be there who he knew participated anonymously in Thought! Magazine’s online fora.

    The interns harmonized the final line perfectly.

    All the performers froze.

    “Cut,” yelled Corey.

    It’s just like a real one, only smaller.

     

  • What Are We Reading – September 2019

    SugarFree

    Still working on re-reading The Expanse series. (Too much Borderlands 3, brah.) I hadn’t read the last two books, so I’m into new stuff, finally. Not sure how the TV show is going to handle the [censored]. But the end of the 6th books, Babylon’s Ashes, wouldn’t be the worst place to stop the show so they might not have to worry about it. I should be done with the series in time for my all-horror October tradition.

     

    OMWC

    I will confess that most of my book reading this past month has been in the bathroom. And nothing particularly interesting. Lots of magazines, though. Geeky, geeky magazines.

    So this will be prospective: I’m about to take a plane trip, and my reading on the way will be something beyond geeky. Bob Cordell’s Designing Audio Power Amplifiers was sent to me as a courtesy copy, and I’m anxious to dig in. This is the shit you do when you don’t actually have a life, but it will sustain me through 8-10 hours of airplane and gate area entertainment..

     

    jesse.in.mb

    Atkins New Diet Revolution. The boyfriend wanted to “go keto” and I suggested we maybe read a book about it instead of basing our diet on the whims of Redditors. The BF continued to read random things from Redditors and is getting a bit crazy. I need a beer to handle this and cannot have one. Weep for me Glibertarians.

    Finally finished The Boys which I started months ago and just picked up when I had 20 minutes and a tablet in hand. It was good. The humor felt ’90s transgressive (even though it’s from the mid-aughts): sort of ham-fistedly offensive for the sake of offense, and there was a massive lull of filler stories in the middle but I was glad I finished it up and would still recommend it even with what I perceive as shortcomings.

     

    mexican sharpshooter

    I promised everyone I would read something this month; I finally came through on a promise!  First time this week…

    I read Universal Basic Income:  For and Against by Anthony Sammeroff.  This name might strike a few of you as familiar as this is the person Andrew Yang was scheduled earlier this month to debate regarding UBI, but apparently found better things to do.

    He does go through the arguments for UBI, and many of the theoretical benefits it may provide such a society, and does so in as objective manner one could expect from an opponent of the idea. He doesn’t spend a lot of time arguing against it in this book, rather he questions why modern necessities became so expensive.  Half the book cleverly spells out the reason UBI is not needed, by pointing out all the things proponents of UBI insist is needed because of it’s great expensive is a result of the deleterious effects of government policy on the market.  He discusses housing markets for example, as one area one might spend their monthly stipend, then discusses all the ways government regulations limit housing development, dry up supply, and therefore drive up housing prices.  The market he argues, creates competition necessary to drive the cost of luxuries down to where they are not really luxuries anymore, which raises the standard of living for those at the bottom of the income ladder.

    He even discusses automation and cites case studies performed by the US Air Force that found the drone programs actually increased the number of Airman and contractors needed to make the drones fly—in spite of the fact the drone does not have a pilot and aircrew on board.

    Ultimately the message is remove that one thing that keeps the market from functioning in its natural form, and we don’t really need an arbitrarily defines standard of living issued to everybody.

    JW

    I’m back to cereal boxes, but I’ve expanded my reach to high bran cereal. That gives me time to take the box into the toilet with me for reading.

     

     

  • How I Spent My Summer Vacation

     

    Soundtrack.

    “You know this won’t help him,” said Nurse Vinson.

    “I’m following the wishes of my client, as expressed while he was still compos mentis,” replied Mr. Izzard the lawyer who looked at her unblinkingly. “You will remember that we have a court order.” The corners of the lawyer’s mouth turned up ever so slightly.

    She felt a chill run up her spine. “Like a rabbit ran over your grave,” was what her grandmother called it. There was something just wrong about the lawyer. No, she shouldn’t even think that because thinking would lead to saying, and that led to trouble.

    “Proceed,” said the lawyer.

    “Go ahead, Brian.”

    “Okay, Mr. Hammond, open up,” smirked the beefy orderly putting on a pair of blue rubber gloves.

    Hammond was strapped to a gurney by wide leather belts at the chest, wrists, waist and ankles. Brian opened an envelope containing a thick rubber “hockey puck” bite guard which he slipped into the patient’s open and eager mouth, then made sure it was fitted in securely. He was the only orderly who would work this duty; the others were either scared off by Vinson’s rantings about deviltry, or terrified of the old bat herself. Whatever. The whole thing was amusing and gave him a break from some of his more sad and grim duties in the Profoundly Retarded Bedridden Unit.

    “Very well,” said the lawyer as he sat down on the chair the hospital administration had told her she had to give him. He placed his metal briefcase on his lap and opened its clicky latches to reveal a thick leatherbound book nestled in its snug bed of black padding.

    The book gave Nurse Vinson the creeps. The first time she saw it she hadn’t noticed the five-pointed star tooled into the wrinkly black leather cover; she had thought that it was an old family Bible and that the lawyer was a nice man about to read her patient a comforting lesson from the scriptures, something she was forbidden from doing herself.

    She wanted not to look at the book but couldn’t help herself; she knew it was looking at her. In the center of the star an eye opened and winked at her all red and glowing before closing again. Must be one of those modern electrical gizmos – like those greeting cards that started singing when you opened them. That had to be it, right? The lawyer was trying to drive her crazy, doubtlessly in cahoots with the new Director.

    Izzard carefully removed the book and used his elbows to close the case, then rested the book on top of the case.

    “You remember his sinuses drain copiously, and you have to constantly aspirate his nasal passages.”

    “Yes sir,” she replied, painfully aware that the lawyer was deliberately working her in front of the orderly. Retirement couldn’t come soon enough. She’d put in twenty-seven years at Eastern State Hospital caring for the lunatics and imbeciles of Virginia. She only had three more years before she could retire. It would be a long three years. Somehow, Izzard’s visits always occured when she was on shift. Administration said they didn’t know anything about it and wouldn’t lift a finger to help her. She suspected that Brian was tipping the lawyer off whenever the shift schedule came out. Nobody would switch shifts with her anymore; they were all out to get her.

    She put the stethoscope into her ears and listened to the patient’s pulse so she wouldn’t have to hear the words. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the lawyer wet his lips with his tongue, preparatory to reading. The tongue was abnormally thin and quick. She closed her eyes and in her mind sang “Yes, We Shall Gather at the River.”

    The first time she had heard the filthy words that lawyer read from the book she had to put a stop to things. Those were not the type of stories which would help her patient get better; if anything they would make him worse. Pornographic occult filth didn’t belong in mental hospitals; didn’t belong anyplace, really, but she knew that she was fighting a losing battle against a society which had abandoned all reason and decency.

    She’d sent him packing, then he came back with a piece of paper which she tore up and she sent him packing again, and then the Sheriff’s Deputies showed up and took the Director in front of the judge to get talked to. Then she had to sit in an all-day meeting with people from DMHS headquarters in Richmond who yelled at her about legal stuff, and then she had to sign papers saying that she understood what they’d said and a whole bunch of other crap that sounded like they could fire her if she interfered again, or even looked at the lawyer cross. Apparently crazy people had a right to have pornography read to them. She knew she couldn’t preach or testify to patients, but why did she have to help them damn their poor souls to even deeper pits in hell? But she did get a week of “administrative leave” which was basically a paid vacation.

    “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” said the lawyer.

    Brian stifled a giggle. Whatever that was always sounded like the lawyer was trying to talk while eating pussy.

    Hammond made a series of eager whimpering noises in response. The lawyer nodded solemnly at Hammond and began reading.

    “‘The Haunting of Hillary House,’ by SugarFree.”