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  • Wednesday Morning Links

    Nats win the pennant!

    Well, half the World Series is set. Congratulations Nationals for reaching uncharted waters. The Astros also won to take a 2-1 series lead against the Yankees.  There supposed to play game 4 today but that might not happen if the weather doesn’t cooperate. Oh well, an extra day’s rest for JV and Greinke means one less start by someone else.

    Why is this bald asshole still on the national team?

    The Maple Leafs beat the Wild. Y’all were right, they do suck.  Other winners were: Tampa, Phoenix, Calgary, Vancouver, Nashville, and Carolina. In other things, Lebron stepped on his dick even more before saying he wouldn’t speak about the situation (in China) anymore. And the USMNT lost to Canada, which is fucking humiliating. Time to scrap the national team altogether and save us the national embarrassment.

    The dictionary guy Noah Webster was born on this day.  So were: pervert Oscar Wilde, first Israeli PM David Ben-Gurion, Irish revolutionary Michael Collins, actress Angela Lansbury, annoying announcer Tim McCarver, actress Suzanne Summers, comedic director David Zucker, actor Tim Robbins, bassist Flea, and Ohio State fan (and baseball player) Bryce Harper.

    OK, on to…the (debate-free) links!

    Looks like Brett Kavanaugh’s type of judges. Question: why are people being charged with misconduct for engaging in a perfectly legal activity (like getting drunk and enjoying White Castle)?

    Let’s show them the same love!

    Its time to put up or shut up on Hong Kong. I’m anxious to see how many of our so-called leaders really stand for freedom.  I expect to be disappointed.

    Pelosi opts to continue the kangaroo court rather than open a legitimate impeachment inquiry. Because nothing says fair and impartial like preventing the other side from calling witnesses or having access to the alleged witnesses.

    Welcome to New York!

    The rats are taking over the Big Apple. This isn’t a metaphor. I mean no-shit rodents, not deBlasio and his lackeys.

    The Anaheim Angels (of Los Angeles) are imploding over the Tyler Skaggs situation. I don’t know what’s next, but I’m curious to see if anybody in the organization survives this without losing their job or going to prison.

    What the fucking fuck?!?!?!?! That’s it, no spoilers.

    Here’s something to enjoy.

    Now go have a great day, friends!

  • Chapter 11: United States v. Stonewall, July 2000

    “Are you ready?’  Justin and I collected our paperwork. I had defended Marines and sailors facing a lot more time or charged with much more serious crimes, yet I was more nervous than I had ever been before walking into court.

    “Hope so.” I muttered. I did not have my usual confidence. It wasn’t because I didn’t believe I would give a good presentation, or that the law and facts weren’t on my side – which is the norm in criminal defense. It was because I knew that it wouldn’t matter. I had reached the inevitable conclusion that no matter what I did, the judge was not going to find the order to take the anthrax vaccine unlawful or, even a lower standard, allow us to overcome the government’s presumption of lawfulness and get in front of a jury. It simply wasn’t going to happen.

    “Are you ready, Lance Corporal Stonewall?” I turned to Jason Stonewall, who sat in the chair, hands folded in his lap. He had a slight, beatific smile on his face. Jason Stonewall had four plus years of college and was a bright young man; he also had a sterling reputation as a machine-gunner. He believed in the Marine Corps, in its officers, and in its legal system.

    “Yes, sir!” He stood up. Whenever Stonewall spoke, he reminded me of Cuba Gooding, Jr. He looked a bit like the actor except that Stonewall was broader in the face and chest. His voice even had the same raspy quality. I once told him this and he laughed.

    “Captain S,” Stonewall began, “if anybody was ever ready for this argument, it’s you.” I wanted to say thank you, but I just smiled in return, the pinched kind, the one I knew I used to avoid having to say anything inadequate or lie. Lance Corporal Stonewall also believed in us – in Justin and me – so completely and that was what disturbed me the most. I felt like an actor in a badly written play.

    “Let’s go.” We headed to the courtroom.

    We took our seats, me on the inside, closest to the opposing counsel and the judge, Justin at the far end of the table, with Stonewall in between us. Just yesterday we had sat here with our expert witness, Doctor Michael Cohen, on the stand, explaining the microbiology of the anthrax vaccine in detail. While his testimony helped, it hadn’t won the day, which we knew anyway. Mike Cohen wasn’t an anthrax expert. In fact, when he first walked into my office, I pegged him as something else entirely. He had a briefcase and an inquisitive manner and he had read about my court case involving Petty Officer Ponder.

    Reporter, I had thought, except something was a bit…eccentric about him. After a bit of conversation, I finally figured out he was a scientist and felt guilty. I could easily have been Mike Cohen had it not been for choices earlier in my life. I once wanted to be a research scientist and had spent the summer between my junior and senior years of high school studying astronomy at the University of Georgia under the Director of the Astronomy and Physics Department.  Later, I submitted a paper based upon that research to the annual Westinghouse Science Talent Search. I came in the Top Forty in the Nation and was invited to Washington, D.C. to compete with 39 other students for some serious scholarship money. I learned two things at that week-long competition: first, that there were some incredibly smart high school scientists out there(!); second, I was not cut-out to be one of them.

    Mike Cohen reminded me of some of those students. Incredibly intelligent, knowledgeable about his chosen subject matter, but not necessarily able to communicate it outside of the circle of academia to the layperson. Mike had come through when the court refused all of our experts from the states to come testify. A biology professor at the University of Maryland, he had his Ph.D. in microbiology and had offered his help in Petty Officer Ponder’s case because of his belief that the anthrax vaccine was not properly made, nor safe, and nor based upon scientifically valid data. He had Marines in his biology class who had adverse reactions form the vaccine and as a scientist, he had to investigate. I was grateful for his help, but he was just another actor in the U.S. military’s comedy of errors.

    “All rise,” Captain Kolomjec intoned as the Judge came in.

    After getting through the preliminaries, Judge Stone got down to business.

    “Okay. Let’s talk about who should begin first. It is, after all, the government’s motion in limine, but the defense has the burden of rebutting a presumption in the government’s favor. I think we could probably cut to the chase and let the defense go first, given that presumption, unless either party objects.”

    There were no objections. Major Stone turned to me.

    “Sir, you have the floor.”

    I stood up and moved out away from our table and out into the well, the middle of the courtroom.

    “Thank you, sir. First, I would like to point out where we are and where we are going. The government has a presumption in its favor, a rebuttable presumption, which is not impossible to overcome. The defense need only put on enough evidence to overcome that presumption in order for the accused, Lance Corporal Stonewall,” I turned and gestured to Jason, who looked studious with his glasses on, “to get his day in court.”

    “What’s the quantum? I mean, clearly you can rebut, but what is the quantum of evidence required?” Thankfully, I had looked into this. My law school civil and criminal procedure professor had prepared me well.

    “Sir, the case law isn’t clear that it’s a preponderance, but it would certainly seem contrary to notions of fairness if it were beyond a reasonable doubt. Having analyzed this–”

    “Well, is it just some evidence? A scintilla, as it were?”

    “Sir, it is the defense’s opinion that procedurally this is like a motion for summary judgment in the civilian legal system. The government has essentially asked you to find that there are no genuine issues of material fact with respect to the lawfulness of the order and that the accused therefore has no right to get into court at all, sir. Thus, we find ourselves procedurally, in a similar situation to a motion for summary judgment.” I waited for the Judge’s reaction.

    “In reverse, you mean.” He caught right on. That’s what I liked most about Judge Eric Stone.

    “Exactly, sir – in reverse. Therefore, if the accused can show there is or are genuine issues of material fact, then the case should be allowed to go forward. Support for that, sir, comes form the case of Unger versus Ziemniak, which we think is a propos of our current circumstances.” I paused a moment to see if he was following, and as I gathered myself for the crux of this first part, Justin quietly slipped a copy of the Unger case onto the podium for me. Thank you, I mouthed silently, as I tuned to pick it up from the lectern behind me.

    This was the most clever play I had, something I had labored over, discussed with other lawyers, researched, and thought was the one chance we had to win this case. I would never be able to convince the judge straight up to say the order was illegal. It would throw the entire Anthrax Vaccine Program into disarray. A military judge in some obscure outpost on the edges of the Empire – Camp Foster, Okinawa, Japan – was not going to invalidate the entire DoD Anthrax program. I thought I was good, but I wasn’t that in love with my arguments. No, instead, I was simply trying to get the judge to give me one, small thing: let me put what evidence I had before a jury. I might not trust “the system” to get it right, but I did trust military juries. Even though I had only a few months as a lawyer, I had interned as a prosecutor, been a legal officer in my squadron, and been an officer for almost ten years. That experience convinced me of one ineluctable fact: Marines, especially on juries, want to do the right thing and will do so regardless of what it means to broader equities, if they’re allowed to see the evidence.

    I just needed to convince the judge that we were entitled to an opportunity to at least put on some evidence to a jury.

    “In Unger, sir, a female Navy Lieutenant refused a mandatory urinalysis test. Appellate case law by then had made clear the validity of the order to submit to a urinalysis in the military. There was no question about the validity of that order. Such orders had already been challenged on Fourth Amendment and a number of other grounds and failed.

    Lieutenant Unger specifically challenged the validity of the provision in the military’s urinalysis program – in the written order – that required direct observation of the act of urinating into the cup. She filed a motion that the order was unlawful as a matter of law. The trial judge ruled against her and she took an extraordinary writ, an appeal of the judge’s decision, all the way to the Court of Appeals for the Armed Forces.” Judge Stone was leaning forward, squinting, and appeared genuinely interested… or so I hoped.

    “Interestingly, sir, CAAF decided against Lieutenant Unger on the lawfulness of the order. The Court said, as we would all expect, that the order was lawful. However, the Court did not dismiss her claim. Instead the Court found, essentially, that there still existed ‘genuine issues of fact’ about the circumstances under which she would be required to take the test that a jury might find violated her statutory and Constitutional rights. The Court pointed out, for example, while direct observation might be lawful, if the direct observation were required by a male, that might be an “unreasonable” seizure under the Fourth Amendment. Or, if the order in question had a procedure or was being conducted such that the observer was required to watch from within 18 inches, their face, um, right there, as it were,” I held up my hands as if I were a Hollywood director framing a shot, or at least like I had seen other people mimic, “then the Court noted that a factfinder might conclude that was unreasonable.” I had gotten through that entire exposition with no disagreements, no argument from the Bench, which could mean one of two things – either he agreed or didn’t care.

    “This is exactly where we find ourselves today, sir. The defense has, under four prongs I will address in a moment, put forth sufficient evidence to show that there exist genuine issues of material fact about the lawfulness of the order. Like Lieutenant Unger, the process under which the shot is given could be viewed by a finder of fact as unlawful because of matters that the defense has submitted. This does not mean that we will win at trial. It might be that a jury decides, after hearing the defense evidence, that it still was lawful and therefore we lose. But for the purposes of this motion and whether you should find that as a matter of law the order was lawful, there exist genuine issue of material fact about the lawfulness. I would like to turn to those matters now.” Still no disagreement, so I ploughed on.

    “First of all sir, we turn to 10 USSC, section 1107.” I was warmed up now and somewhere I still believed that a military judge, this military judge, might do the right thing. Justin put the statute in front and sat back down.

    “Sir, there is no straight-faced argument that the anthrax vaccine is not an investigational new drug or a drug unapproved for its applied use. Those are the words of the statute. If it is either an IND or a drug unapproved for its applied use, then there is a real question about the lawfulness of the order to take the shot. You have, sir – the defense has given you in previous submissions, the 1996 application by the manufacturer of the drug that requests an amendment to the existing license to get an indication for aerosolized anthrax. This is presumptive – conclusive evidence, I would say – that the drug is an IND.” I paused and Justin slid the affidavit of Mr. Sammie Young onto the podium, another gift from Lou Michels and several other persons who were involved in fighting this back in the states. Sammie Young had been Deputy Director of the FDA during the time that AVA had been licensed and the procedures for licensing a vaccine had been developed. He simply couldn’t believe that the FDA had given the DoD a pass on the whole issue.

    “The idea being why would the manufacturer put it in an IND status if you yourself, if the manufacturer, didn’t think it was an IND,” the military judge supplied.

    “Exactly, sir. Also, it’s an IND because, as you can see from the affidavit of Mr. Sammie Young, former Deputy Director of the FDA, that once a company submits an IND, the drug becomes an IND thirty days after the submission when used for the purposes listed in the IND. Thus, one of the listed reasons for the IND is an aerosolized indication, if it I being used for an aerosolized indication, it’s an IND. Period.”

    “Okay,” the judge held up his hand, “suppose I agree with you.”

    “Yes, sir.” Suddenly this seemed to be going too well and I was wary. I had never had a time, in any real or mock proceeding where a judge began with “suppose I agree . . .” or “suppose I grant your point . . .” that ended particularly well.

    “…That it’s an investigational new drug in accordance with 1107. I mean, you can put on, it appears, a lot of evidence on that and it may in fact, be the case. What I’m really interested in is why should this accused be able to, in law, use 1107 in a military court-martial?” There was a strange moment after that question, of complete Zen-like clarity, where I saw exactly where this was all leading, but my mind simply refused to acknowledge it. I had only had two of those moments of satori, of seeing into the heart of things, in my life. The first was as a troubled teenager, not long after I had run away from home, but the second one was the only other time in my life where I could recall a moment, a specific, measurable instant, where my mind simply refused to accept what I could see was about to happen: that other time, I was in a hover at one-hundred and fifty feet when the second engine on my helicopter quit and we started to lose turns on our rotor head and fallout of the sky. I felt connected across time in that instant in the courtroom, and then my mind walled it off.

    The judge must have caught that something was wrong.

    “I don’t mean to cut you off, but –”

    “No… No, sir.”

    “Your evidence in support of the argument you have just made is extensive, and it is before me to consider. And I’m telling you that I understand the logic of your argument. But I’m interested in why this accused should be able to raise that federal law in this court-martial in the absence of a direct statutory conferral of rights.”

    “Yes, sir, then I’m more than happy to move on to save the court’s time.” But this was a lie, I was not more than happy. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I knew then that the case was over. I should have responded the way I immediately wanted to – “Because it’s a fucking federal law, you honor. You mean we get to ignore federal law we don’t like in courts-martial now? I can’t point out the LAW in a military court, that’s what you’re saying?” I stopped, picked up a pen off of the lectern, and pretended to write something.

    Suddenly, an idea popped into my head that I hadn’t thought of before. I had been reading a ton of constitutional law and perhaps…

    “I would point out, sir, that when we’re talking about substantive rights, it is the history of our country that rights are not stated in the affirmative, as in ‘you have a right to X’, but rather are listed as limitations upon the acts of others, particularly the government. For example, the Fourth Amendment doesn’t say you have a right to privacy, but instead says that you have a right to be free from unreasonable searches and seizures. The Bill of Rights, sir, is almost entirely comprised of limitations on government, not as positive statements of rights. But let’s move on to the more concrete, to 1107.”  My thoughts started to coalesce.

    “Okay.” He paused and wrote something down.

    “First of all, the DoD has always held the position, and still does today, that ‘soldiers are citizens first’ and have the same Constitutional rights as other citizens –’”

    “But that’s a non-lawyer speaking about ethics.”

    “True, sir, but the rule – the law – since Nuremberg has been that informed consent is a prerequisite to experimenting on human subjects. And that was adopted into federal law, sir, at 50 U.S.C. section 1520a. It prohibits military medical experimentation.”

    “But it’s not your position that the force protection argument by the government is somehow a cover for an experiment?”

    “Sir, the motives may be well-intentioned –”

    “– but you’re saying it could be an experiment de facto or something?”

    “No, sir, I am saying it is an experiment. By definition. When you are giving someone a vaccine and you have parts of it that are, by Dr. Cohen’s testimony and the DoD’s own words ‘not well-defined’, you don’t know what’s going to happen. You have a hypothesis that this should provide some protection, but the DoD doesn’t know that. You might have a hypothesis that it doesn’t cause long-term reactions, but you don’t know that because we know there have been no long-term studies. And we also know this: we know that there is a lot of research in the peer-reviewed literature that suggests a connection to Gulf War Illness, that the vaccine causes bad things to happen to the human body, like the reaction to the amount of aluminum in the vaccine that Doctor Cohen talked about, or the high antigen load that he discussed and its possible adverse effect on the immune system.”

    “So, yes, it is an experiment, sir, and unfortunately, the results aren’t in yet. And 2.4 million service members are going to be the guinea pigs.” I should have left the point there, but I couldn’t.

    “We tend, sir, to put ourselves above this – we say Nuremberg was passed because of the Nazis, and we tend to forget that many of their experiments were non-lethal and some of them produced important knowledge for medicine today. But the harm is not just what was done as a result of the experiment; it’s not just the experiment, it’s that informed consent was not obtained from the human beings on the other end of the needle. That itself is the harm.” The judge’s face told me all I needed to know; he thought I was loony. We had had this same argument in Ponder’s case since he was the same judge for all three anthrax refusal cases. His view was that the Nuremberg Code applied to Nazis, not “good guys” in the U.S. military. I decided to move on.

    “Now, sir, why does 1107 apply is the real question?”

    “Well, not necessarily ‘why.’ Let’s assume that Congress wanted consent to be derived in this class of drugs.”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “And that does seem reasonable. I’m with you that Congress wanted to have an informed consent procedure in place.”

    “It’s an individual right, sir. It doesn’t belong to the Secretary of Defense.” He held up his hand.

    “Why should this court not assume that they were putting constraints on the Secretary of Defense? Why should I assume that they weren’t – I mean, what is the intended mechanism of enforcement? It’s silent on it. You’re asking this court to believe – or to infer – that the mechanism to enforce or uphold this right – is to judicially confer rights upon the accused. That is, recognizing the matter on paper and allowing a defendant to use this law to defend himself against such an inoculation.” I was confused.  To this day I still am.

    “To read it otherwise, sir, is to put a strained interpretation on it. Because what else can be done? What else can this person do when they are told to take a drug that is clearly investigational, or experimental? If it is interpreted to mean that it confers nothing to service members, the SecDef could order them injected with anything – arsenic – as long as he thinks it’s a good force protection measure. What do they do in the meantime?  Go to jail while they wait for Congress to hold the SecDef in contempt of Congress?”

    There were a lot better, more eloquent arguments. As I sit here today, I can think of several. But I was spent. I could hear my own incredulity. I could not believe that the judge was saying that if a military order that violates a federal law, even if you can prove it violates federal law, unless that law says specifically that the law is meant or allowed to be used in courts-martial, he simply wouldn’t look at it.

    I felt like a drowning man who knows he is too far from shore to make it, but swims on anyway because of the organism’s instinct for survival. I argued on, but it was fruitless. We took a recess. Back in my office, I fell into my chair.

    “Dale, I think that was one of the best arguments I’ve seen.” Justin patted me on the back. I appreciated the compliments, but I had a feeling he was trying to prop me up.

    “Thanks, man.” Lance Corporal Stonewall sat watching me. I couldn’t look him in the eyes.

    “Lance Corporal Stonewall, can you give us a minute. I want to discuss some other stuff with Captain Constantine?” Stonewall replied yes, stood up, came to attention, and then stepped out. When he was gone I swore.

    “I just couldn’t sit here with him looking at me, knowing that we’re going in the tank.” Justin didn’t say anything for a minute.

    “Think he’s going to rule against us?”

    “It’s a bet. I had a talk with him and Kolomjec in his office, might have been regarding Ponder’s case, but I kept arguing with him about this conferral of rights crap that he says you need. I threw out the hypothetical in our brief, that what if a Lance Corporal is a driver and the General orders him to speed, to do fifty-five in a school zone and the driver refuses and then he’s later court-martialed. Under Stone’s theory, the Lance Coolie can’t plead the speed limit as a defense to the lawfulness of the order; it doesn’t confer any rights! The state legislature never intended it to be used as a defense in a court-martial! Fuck.”

    “Then he started lecturing me about paradigms and how the military is different than the civilian world. ‘It’s a different paradigm, he said.’ Fuck. Fuck.” I was rambling and Justin knew me well enough to let me blow off some steam.

    “Well, what do we do now?” he asked. A pragmatic question.

    “Let me think.” I rubbed my forehead. “Well, he’ll announce his findings and then we’ll probably take pleas. Then, maybe, we’ll set a date for the court next week or something. Once he rules, I don’t think he’s going to give us a lot of time before the court. What’s today, the 25th?” I no longer could keep track of days. I wasn’t sleeping much at all, and when I did sleep it was usually because I had dozed off at the desk in my base housing quarters, with my office in a section of the living room, where my wife would find me in front of the computer if she happened to get up in the middle of the night.

    Justin looked at his watch. “Twenty-six July.”

    “Oh. Okay. Well, let’s get back into court.” I stood up.

    “Dale?” I looked back at Justin and raised my eyebrows. “We gave it our best shot, man. You… we couldn’t have done any more than we did.” I nodded my head, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I walked out the door feeling like a man on his way to his execution.

                                                                                                                                                                                       

    “The defense contends that the order to submit to anthrax vaccination violates a Presidential Executive Order and Federal and International Laws and is therefore an illegal order, so the accused could lawfully refuse to obey. As the court sees it, there are four issues presented. We’ll discuss them in order.” I sat watching as Major Stone read from a sheet he had prepared. He hadn’t written it in the recess since our last session, so I knew that he had been drafting it before I had finished my argument. He’d already decided before oral argument and I’d done nothing to change his mind. I already knew the outcome.

    “The first one, does Executive Order 13139 confer legal rights upon the accused enforceable at courts‑martial?” Just the way he framed the question bothered me. The question wasn’t who got what conferred, it was whether the order was lawful or not. That question had been lost a long time ago and it wasn’t going to get answered in this courtroom.

    “Answer: no. The Executive Order in question is a policy decision of the President taken in his capacity as Commander‑in‑Chief of the Armed Forces. Also, violations of an Executive Order are not judicially enforceable unless the Constitution or Federal Law otherwise requires enforcement.

    “Two: Does 10 U.S.C. 1107 confer legal rights upon the accused enforceable at courts‑martial? No. 10 U.S.C. 1107 imposes obligations on the Secretary of Defense to obtain the informed consent of service members in the event that the Secretary desires to employ an investigational new drug or to use a drug in a manner inconsistent with its FDA approved usage. The text of the law does not directly state that the Secretary’s obligations are also legal rights of service members enforceable at courts‑martial, nor does the statute provide a fair basis for conferral of rights by implication because the statue does not employ wording typically associated with such a legislative conferral of rights. Other federal statutes, in particular, criminal statutes expressly provide for the conferral of rights upon service members. Given that Congress has in the past specifically provided for the rights of service members in other‑statutes and could have done so in 10 U.S.C. 1107, it would be judicial speculation to presume that Congress would desire to do so in this case. In fact, it may well be that Congress does not desire to grant individual rights to two million or so service members, but rather chose to make one officer, the Secretary of Defense, accountable for obtaining the informed consent of service members.”

    I looked down and noticed I was scribbling notes. Habit. None of it made any sense.

    “Finally, along the same lines, any inquiry as to whether or not the Secretary of Defense, a civilian political appointee, has complied with 10 U.S.C. 1107 is a non-justiciable political issue between Congress and the Secretary, that is, it is beyond the reach of decision by military courts‑martial.” There it was. I had known that was coming. There was no way he was going to rule that the Secretary of Defense had violated the law, no matter how clear it was.

    “Issue 3: Does the Nuremberg Code as codified at 50 U.S.C. 1520(a) confer rights on the accused enforceable at courts‑martial?” Now this was the real coup. The Nuremberg Code, despite its clear language, did not apply to one class of persons:  second class citizens, known as U.S. service members.

    “Answer of this court: No. 50 U.S.C. 1520(a) prevents experimentation on service members without their informed consent. The defense claims that the anthrax vaccination program is essentially a large‑scale medical experiment and, therefore, 50 U.S.C. 1520(a) applies. More specifically, the defense argues that because there have been no long‑term studies of the effects of the anthrax vaccination, the DoD ­inoculation program is a de facto medical experiment. This court declines to adopt that view.

    “The DoD vaccination program on its face appears to be a reasonable and time‑tested force protection measure. That is, inoculation against disease designed to counter a real‑world threat of biological attack.” I looked over at Lance Corporal Stonewall. He looked back at me and gently put his hand on my arm, grimacing a little, but other than that, no reaction. It was all I could do not to cry. Some lawyers would say that I had become too personally involved in my case, something I had thought about a lot in my brief time as a defense attorney: my reply would be “so what?”

    “Four: Is an order for a service member to submit to the anthrax vaccination so inherently unsafe and dangerous in light of its proper justification as to make it arbitrary or capricious and, therefore, illegal? Answer: No. The defense has provided no evidence of any death or serious bodily injury that has resulted from administration of the anthrax vaccine to over 1.7 million service members. The government, on the other hand, has presented evidence that anthrax is 100 percent fatal if inhaled, that several actual military adversaries presently have the capability to attack U.S. Armed Forces with aerosolized anthrax, and that animal modeling studies suggest that inoculation may provide a significant measure of protection against aerosolized anthrax attack.” I had heard a Navy doctor explain that he read the DoD website, but we hadn’t been allowed to bring an expert to show the falsity of those statements and conclusions.

    “In sum, then, I find the order to submit to the anthrax inoculation was a legal order as a matter of law and will so instruct the members if that is the forum selected in this case. Accordingly then, based on the reasoning above, as for the two defense requests for experts in this case, those requests are denied.” The cart had come before the horse. We were denied experts to rebut the government’s doctor and that had led to a ruling that our requests were denied. The ol’ Catch-22.

    “Does the defense have any other motions to present?” I stood up slowly.

    “No, sir.” At that point, I finally believed what Lou Michels, our helpful Reserve Air Force attorney and partner in big-time law firm, had said to me on the phone one day: no military judge was going to find the order to take the anthrax vaccine illegal. It wouldn’t matter how twisted the reasoning it took to get there.

    “Then this court is in recess.”

     

  • This coffee sucks

    For those of you that followed my series on coffee and coffee related products, you’ll note there is a sizable gap.  I was undergoing a home remodel and had engaged an dishonest contractor.  I spent most of my time attempting to get satisfaction and destroy said business.  I am happy to report nearly all the work was completed and the company is out of business.  Now, time for coffee

    Today friends we will be exploring vacuum brewing.  Fans of Breaking Bad may remember Libertarian Gale’s coffee brewing contraption, which he claimed made the best possible cup of coffee.  Walt seemed to agree.  That was an overly complex representation of what is a simple brewing method.  A Vacuum brewer or siphon brewer is composed of two chambers connected with a tube, covered with a filter and sealed with a gasket.  Course ground coffee is placed in the upper chamber and fresh water poured into the lower chamber.  The contraption is place on a heat source (burner) and as the water temperature rises, pressure forces the water into the upper chamber where it saturates the coffee grounds.  Give the coffee slurry a little stir and wait one minute before removing from heat.  As the lower chamber cools, a vacuum is created which draws the brewed coffee back into the lower chamber.  It is a mesmerizing process as you anxiously wait for the water to boil and exhilarating to watch the coffee magically pulled back into the lower chamber.  To serve, remove the top chamber and place it in its holder.  The lower chamber is now just a regular pot of coffee.  Put on your ‘Flo’ name tag and top off everyone’s mug.  The unit I bought is made by Yama for $62, serves 8 cups and looks like meth making equipment.  All but your most jaded friends will be impressed by this bad boy.

    Personally I’m a function over form kind of guy and don’t give a darn how something looks if it does not work.  So does it make good coffee?  Absolutely.  Vacuum brewing extracts coffee at a lower temperature than traditional brewing methods and is sort of like a hybrid between cold brew and drip coffee.  So if you like the low acid, sweeter taste of cold brew coffee, but don’t like waiting a day or two for the process, a vacuum brewer may be the choice for you.  Once you learn the process a vacuum brewer is idiot proof.  Vacuum brewers don’t have many variables other than you can adjust grind and steep time, but that is it.  Water temp is controlled by the atmosphere and I have no idea how this method works at different altitudes. The cup is very clean thanks to the cloth filter, which to my palate is between a metal mesh filter and paper filter for preserving origin flavor.  If you like to make quick coffee with little clean up, this is definitely not the method for you, because it make a big mess every time I use the Yama.  It is also the slowest brew method with the exception of cold brewing.  A hack I have learned is to pre-heat the water in a kettle and then place the brewer on the stove.  Another strike against the Yama is that it is big.  I have to store it in a separate cabinet away from all my other brew methods because it is so tall.  Despite these short falls the Yama is in regular rotation for when guest are present.  It is the largest volume coffee maker I own and it never fails to grab people’s attention.  The Yama is unique in aesthetics, taste and function and definitely the most impressive to behold while working.

     

    Fresh Grounds and water

     

    Place over medium heat

     

    Once water reaches top chamber give a stir and wait one minute

     

    After one minute remove from heat and wait for coffee to return to lower chamber

     

    Serve ONLY in Glibs branded mug

     

    Pros:

    people will think you’re a mad scientist

    you friends will be impressed

    good coffee

    Makes enough to serve multiple people or yourself multiple times

    Cons:

    expensive

    fragile and bulky

    slow to brew

    clean up is difficult because of shape and number of parts.

     

     

     

  • Tuesday Afternoon Links

    Hey guys. How’s it goin’? I hope you guys end up here eventually instead of just reminiscing in Tonio’s (awesome!) piece below. I’ve just about got my n00bs working independently for a day or two at a time, so that’s awesome. It relieves me to know no one is surfing the internet because I’m not serving work fast enough. No, actually, I don’t care what they are doing. I hope the remote workers are smart enough to nap or fuck off to do something IRL.

    Ripped directly from the H&H Universe!

    Sometimes I read stories like this and wonder how my childhood would have been described by the 24×7 news cycle. I can’t tell you how many “improvised explosive devices” we created. A lot. The answer is, a lot.

    I forget, is this Cuomo supposed to be Fredo or Sonny?

    Florida Man, the cops can’t help you get your stolen dope back.

     

    Time for some throwback tunes.

  • A Noob Guide to Glibertarians.com

    “Fuck off, Tulpa” will probably be the first reply you receive when you start posting here. It’s an in-joke, a sign of acceptance, a minor form of hazing. So chill the fuck out and be cool, ok?

    Glibertarians.com, aka Glibs, is a private website owned and operated by The Powers That Be (TBTP) for the amusement of themselves and the greater Glib community. TPTB were kind enough to open this website for others to contribute material, and to participate in the comments. Just don’t be a dick, don’t throw around racist slurs, and don’t attack other people unless they are arguing in bad faith (rare here, but it happens). Attacking positions is always fair game. They will ban a troll faster than you can say “rumplestiltskin.”

    All the material published here is submitted by members of the community; nobody gets paid for writing, drawing, animating, doing website design and administration, or anything else associated with this website; it is all a labor of love. Glibs accepts monetary contributions to pay the server bills, but such contributions are entirely voluntary and don’t get you any special privileges, tote bags or invitations to cocktail parties.

    Glibs was born of a difference of opinion with the operators of Reason.com (TOS, formally “the other site”), the online presence of the Reason Foundation who also publish Reason magazine. Prior to the founding of Glibs, this community’s online home was the comments section of Reason where some of us had been since the very beginning of the Gillespie years, having followed him over from the seminal Suck.com website.

    Tensions elevated during the Woodchipper Incident in 2015 when Reason found itself subpoenaed by the federal government because of comments left on their website.

    During the 2016 presidential campaign, it was increasingly obvious that TOS was betraying core libertarian principles and blatantly succumbing to Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Glibs is not a Pro-Trump site, but neither are we willing to buy into the hysteria and ally ourselves with progressives just because #orangemanbad. Most of us here do not like Trump, but we do realize that we would have been worse off with a Clinton presidency, if only for SCOTUS appointments.

    The decisive incident came when the mother of one of TPTB was the victim of police brutality during the course of her official duties as a school nurse tending to an injured athlete during the course of a school sporting event. This incident was documented by the local press. TPTB whose mother was assaulted reported this to TOS, along with a link to the news report, and asked for some coverage. By any objective standard, this incident would have at least deserved mention in the AM Links or PM Links, the two regular daily weekday features at TOS. “Too local,” was their response.

    Rather than continue to hang out at a place at which we, and more importantly our ideas, were increasingly unwelcome, TPTB decided to put up a website, and the rest is history. Here is the mission statement from our first day:

    As to the tone of the enterprise – I would not seek to impose any rules on anyone else, but here are the things I’m going to strive for: no backbiting of H&R, Reason or the Reason Staff in editorial content. I don’t want this to be a bitchfest. I don’t want this to turn into something that only exists to react against something else. That way lies the shrill pettiness of blogs like “A Smarter Andrew Sullivan,” “Sully Watch” and (gods help us) “Sully Watch Watch.” Reactions to the writings of others are always fair game.

    I believe that we have achieved that so far, and I am damn proud of us all for having done so. My initial fear was that we would have a good opening week or weeks, but then article submissions would drop off, then the morning and afternoon links would become intermittent and finally stop. But we persisted, and today, two and a half years after going live, we consistently have enough material to keep up a full publishing schedule with two links posts and at least two other posts every weekday. Yay, us.

    So here you are in the worst little political chatroom on the interwebs, with a bunch of yokels; deplorables, even. Prickly, antisocial contrarians, the lot of us. And all our guns, pot, ass-sex, and Mexicans. It’s a nice place, very clean and family friendly! People are courteous about things that really matter. But learning what is humor and what isn’t can often be tricky. And we sometimes have legitimate disagreements about what is and isn’t acceptable.

    Generally, if someone posts a comment with a position diametrically opposed to libertarian thought, i.e. advocating for higher taxes, more government, less freedom, less accountability, you can assume that person is being sarcastic or making a joke. Remember that a perfectly-executed parody is indistinguishable from the real thing. Don’t be that noob who doesn’t get the joke and tries to establish cred by flaming someone else. Because then you have to go and see Warty in his special basement “training” room.

    In-jokes–yes, there are a ton of them. Too many for me to catalog here, but I encourage others to do so in the comments below. Which leads to our image as a cliquish, insular place. Yes, we are; but not deliberately so. Many of us have known each other online for decades. It is hard to break into a community like that; not because we aren’t open to outsiders, but it does take a while to establish cred here. And there may be some people who just plain ignore you.

    What if you agree with libertarians on some things, but think we are whacked on other things? Debate us honestly, or decide to treasure those areas where your opinions align with ours. The greater liberty community is already too small and wracked by internal strife. For me, it was a long engagement with the Iron Laws which finally brought me around.

    Welcome to our house.

  • Tuesday Morning Links

    All smiles in D.C.

    The Nationals are on the brink of sweeping the Cardinals. This surprises me, even though it shouldn’t.  Also, the Cards have scored 1 run in three games so far in the NLCS. Kinda makes it tough to win when you don’t score.  The Packers added to Detroit’s misery last night. And your hockey winners were: Borston, Florida, NYI, Buffalo, Colorado, Chicago, and the MINNESOOOOOOOOOOOOOODA WIIIIIIIIIIIIILD! Ah, it felt good to finally get to say that.

    Posted for OMWC

    The Roman poet Virgil was born on this day. As were: German philosophizer Friedrich Nietzsche, American boxing champ John L Sullivan, writer P.G. Wodehouse, writer Mario Puzo, automaker Lee Iacocca, filmmaker Penny Marshall, baseball legend Jim Palmer, actress Tanya Roberts, skateboarder Stacy Peralta, chef Emeril Lagasse, and businessman Jack Ma.

    OK, on to…the links!

    This serves as a metaphor for what Twitter did to Lebron last night

    LeBron James is a selfish, arrogant and uneducated assclown. That’s all I got on that.

    Michael Bloomberg is keeping his options open. Seriously. This isn’t a joke.

    Um….yeah. This isn’t gonna go over well. Also, it can’t have been very fun to watch. Half the fighters wouldn’t have known what was going on. And the other half would have just fallen asleep in the corner.

    The Ft Worth cop who shot an unarmed woman in her home for no reason has been charged with murder. In Chicago, he’d have gotten a medal.

    Christ, what an asshole. Dude could have driven to a station much closer and cut down on his carbon footprint.

    Hunter, his dad, and just a couple of friends

    You gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookies numbers. Come on, Mother Nature.

    Hunter Biden opens up. And a bag of cocaine probably fell out.

    Thanks to a few of the founders, I’m subjecting y’all to the same ear worm they subjected me to yesterday.

    That’s it. Have a great day. Go Astros!

  • Leonard vs Hagler: A review by Trigger Hippie

    I’ll keep this brief. I was an amateur boxer and coach/trainer off and on for many years. I’m going to review famous bouts that many people argue over. In order to stay as acurate in my opinion as possible, I paused the fight midway through each round, typed down my view of the round so far, then finished watching the round and finish my take on it. And before you ask, yes, I was completely sober while writing this. Let’s begin!

    Round 1
    The beginning goes as many title-fights go when it’s featuring two highly skilled, highly decorated fighters: slowly. “Feeling each other out” is the term. In fact, Hagler did almost nothing but stalk Leonard to get a read on how he would react with his feet when he advanced. Oh! I had forgotten one crucial factor in the scoring of this fight: Hagler, a southpaw, fights the first two rounds almost exclusively right-handed. I’m too lazy to dig into the why of the matter but needless to say it was to Hagler’s detriment. Leonard dances, lands a few jabs and crosses, nothing too aggressive, but Hagler just makes a halfhearted effort at offense.

    Leonard 10 Hagler 9

    Round 2

    Hagler begins to advance with purpose and finally starts punching. At first, Leonard and Hagler are unable to connect with any clean punches. Leonard uses his footwork to outmaneuver Hagler and clinch effectively but then Hagler presses the issue and while not landing any meaningful punches, gains the edge through the first half of the round by brawling. The second half of the round Leonard regains his spacing and lands some counter-punches before stealing the round in the last thirty seconds by landing hard jabs, body hooks, and fighting out of the clinch.

    Leonard 20 Hagler 18

    Round 3

    Hagler finally starts fighting as a southpaw and the difference is notable. Through the first half of the round any exchanges started by Leonard are finished by Hagler. Hagler maintains pressure and keeps landing tightly thrown punches that go unnoticed by the crowd as they roar for Leonard’s deflected punches. Leonard does manage to land about four or five very clean punches in the round, but the pace, pressure and total of landed punches go to Hagler.

    Leonard 29 Hagler 28

    Round 4

    This time, it’s Leonard who comes out of the corner with purpose. He quickly finds his spacing, and easily slips most of Hagler’s punches while slipping in himself to land hard single shots and quick flurries. He also gets away with a low-blow but to me it was clear Leonard won the round easily.

    Leonard 39 Hagler 37

    Round 5

    Hagler and Leonard spend most of the first part of the round staying near each other and exchanging punches. Leonard surprisingly gets a little flatfooted and stops dancing, yet, he keeps his body angled sideways for the most part, lands the cleaner, quicker punches, and has the advantage. After that, Hagler tightens up his guard and begins to *walk through Leonard’s punches(*take the punches off his guard, and risk getting hit to close the distance), landing many solid shots and working Leonard into the ropes. Hagler does enough to reclaim the round.

    Leonard 48 Hagler 47

    Round 6

    Hagler initiates the exchanges immediately. He lands clean, hard, single shots with all four punch types within the first minute while also wrangling Leonard around the ring to keep pressuring him. The first half of the round is a classic example of how to fight “pressure-in” by Hagler. Stay inside the arms of a dancer so he can’t fully extend on his punches and counter with good footwork. Force him to brawl while you grapple, lean on, push, and land hard single shots to weaken the body and slow your opponent’s feet. Basically, be a bully. Leonard lands a few punches and outperforms Hagler in the last minute, but it’s not enough.

    Leonard 57 Hagler 57

    Round 7

    This round begins with a touch more hesitation by Hagler after an initial lunge and Leonard takes the opportunity to land a few quick shots. Then Hagler begins working inside again and scores a few shots of his own, landing a couple flurries and forcing Leonard into the ropes. But this time, Leonard does a good job of counter-punching and works his way out. The round is a draw at the midway point. Neither can land cleanly, but Hagler keeps forcing the action and then starts scoring on hard single shots. Leonard again finds his spacing and starts to score with hard shots and a few combos of his own. Hagler gets the last ten seconds, but I can’t give the round to either one clearly. Side-Note: I’m a firm believer that in order to win the round, you need to win the fucking round, even if it’s only slightly. I won’t steal a point away from a guy just cuz. This is where I deviate from most judges sitting ringside. Anyway, draw.

    Leonard 67 Hagler 67

    Round 8

    A few exchanges are attempted but nothing meaningful happens. Then they stop the fight because the tape on Leonard’s glove splits. They fix the glove, fight resumes, then Hagler spends the next minute slightly outboxing Leonard by doing a more cautious version of walking through your opponent’s punches, yet still lands the cleaner shots. Leonard regains his composure and lands several clean single shots and small flurries. Hagler neutralizes Leonard’s attack by again closing the gap and landing shots of his own during the last forty seconds. Despite Leonard landing the more crowd pleasing punches, Hagler quietly scored punches more consistently through the round.

    Leonard 76 Hagler 77

    Round 9

    Leonard begins the round strong by finding the sweet spot where you’re just inside the opponent’s range, enticing them to punch so you can hop outside and then hop back in after they miss to score hard crosses and three punch combinations(classic counter-punching). A great fighter can then stay inside and bob and weave off the opponent’s attempted counters to score more shots before working their way back out of range, and Leonard was great. He controlled the first minute easily but Hagler absorbs those shots and presses in to land some clear scoring shots himself and forces Leonard into the ropes. Leonard works his way out but quickly takes more punches and again gets cornered. Halfway through, slight advantage to Leonard because he clearly controlled more time. Then the highlight reel begins. Hagler continues to hit Leonard in the corner. Increasing in confidence, he begins to throw multiple flurries, landing a lot of shots. However, once he gets set, he’s flatfooted, and Leonard works out of the corner. Then Leonard starts landing combinations of his own. The fight shifts back to the center of the ring where Leonard’s faster hands and feet are at optimal advantage. He easily scores and avoids punishment for thirty seconds, taking the edge in the round. But Hagler settles down and slightly outboxes Leonard the rest of the way. Both fighters were exhausted. I apologize for the length of this portion, but it was possibly the best round of the fight, both from the viewpoint of an ex-boxer/geek and from the casual fan’s. Overall, I think the time was split in regard to control of the round, but Leonard’s time was more one-sided.

    Leonard 86 Hagler 86

    Round 10

    The first half of the round is a tale of two tired men, understandably so. They kept their discipline and continued to fight but nobody landed noteworthy blows or gained an advantage. If anything, I’d give Hagler this portion by the thinnest of margins because he landed about four or five uncontested, yet weak, shots on Leonard near the halfway point. Hagler then imposes his will on Leonard with solid body shots in the clinch, Leonard finds a way to counter, landing impressive shots to even the round, but Hagler lands more punches during the last thirty seconds. This was hard to score…Hagler by a nose-hair.

    Leonard 95 Hagler 96

    Round 11

    Another close beginning. Both fighters missed early but managed to score a few one-two combos halfway through, no clear advantage for either fighter. Hagler manages to maneuver Leonard into the ropes and scores punches, but at this point there’s not much force behind them. Leonard works his way out, showboats, and lands nothing. The crowd is thrilled*eye-roll*. Leonard lands a few more solid single punches but Hagler gets close and lands about four left hooks in a clinch, then another shot after the break. Leonard shows some guts and instigates the exchanges, but Hagler responds to his shots with counters. Advantage, Hagler.

    Leonard 104 Hagler 106

    Round 12

    I think both fighters believed that they had won the fight going into this round. Hagler gave a professional effort and continued to fight his fight. Leonard, however, went into celebration mode after landing a six punch combo. And to be fair, Hagler did nothing noteworthy to erase Leonard’s bravado after that. It was even outside that combo. Round goes to Leonard.

    My Final Bout Card
    Leonard 114 Hagler 115

    Skip to the thirteen-minute mark to bypass the bullshit.

  • Case of the Mondays Afternoon Links

    Let’s see. Today my work computer decided it needed to spend an hour and a half “updating” between 10:00am and 11:30am, and then I found where Microsoft has “enhanced the usability” of drop-down in the coming release of Dynamics to the point where my test-users, who are a pretty competent bunch, couldn’t figure out how the hell to use it. I finally found the self-congratulatory announcement where the MS team told us how they fixed a problem none of us had. So now I get to tell users that the process that worked perfectly fine for them is going away. Is it beer-thirty yet?

    I just don’t think reminding voters of your weak points is a winning strategy. These people need a red team in their campaigns. Surrounding yourselves with toadies is not the way to win.

    I thought my day was bad, then I read about this guy. Dude walked 350 miles from Indiana (through Illinois) to Wisconsin to get arrested for attempted sex with a minor.

    Nothing says “high executive function” like facial tattoos.

    Oh man, who (besides pretty much everyone here) could have guessed that a review of FISA court abuses would generate a document “as thick as a phonebook”? For millenials, that’s “as tall as an avocado”.

     

    I think I need the theme song today.

     

  • Allamakee County Chronicles VIII: Hold My Beer!

    Note:  A prologue from my upcoming autobiography, Life’s Too Short to Smoke Cheap Cigars (Or to Drink Cheap Whiskey.)

    You Ever Wonder Why…

    It’s well known that teenage boys are driven by testosterone; your typical teenage boy is basically a pair of testicles with legs, and I was certainly no exception.  At this sensitive age boys are prone to doing stupid things, sometimes to impress girls (that rarely works out like intended) or sometimes just because.

    Country kids, of course, have many opportunities to risk life and limb in pursuit of… well, who knows?  I certainly don’t.  Back then, in the glory days of the late Seventies back in Allamakee County, I didn’t know either.  And that probably explains a lot.

    This One Time…

    One of those “just because” times came in the autumn of 1976.  My grandfather had passed away the year before, and my grandmother was preparing to pass off the big farmhouse to my uncle and move into a smaller structure on the property, and so had been clearing out a lot of my late grandfather’s stuff.

    By the early November day when my cousin Jeff and I went out to the farm to shoot some pheasants, most of Grandpa’s stuff was already gone, but after we had knocked over a few birds, we went in to the house where Grandma had offered to feed us lunch.  As we were eating, Grandma let us know about the few things left.

    “Boys,” she told us, “out in the barn, there are a couple of old boxes of Grandad’s things.  You two go look through them when you’re done eating.  If there’s anything you want, take it; I’m going to have your uncle Norman haul all the rest to the dump.”

    So, once we finished eating, we went back outside.  We stood in the drive for a few moments.  As Jeff was lighting a cigarette, I walked over and poked my head in the small entry door on the side of the barn.

    “Hey,” I told Jeff, “there’s a couple boxes in there, just like Grandma said.”

    “Well, let’s have a look,” Jeff responded.

    Old dynamite. Fortunately we didn’t find this much.

    There wasn’t much of any use in the boxes.  As I recall at this distance in time, there was a small stash of Grandpa’s girlie magazines that gave us a chuckle (a few years later I was mildly horrified when I suddenly realized why Grandpa kept that stash in the barn and not the house), a broken socket wrench and, down in the bottom of one of the boxes, two old sticks of dynamite.

    Lots of folks who haven’t worked with explosives don’t know that old dynamite sweats.  This isn’t sweat in the human sense, it’s more like an old D-cell battery breaking open.  A gritty, crystalline white crust exudes from the paper covering of the dynamite sticks, eventually heavily covering the stick.  The main substance of that gritty crust?  Nitroglycerine.

    This, understandably, makes these old sticks of dynamite tetchy to handle.

    Now, then and there, the smart thing to do would have been to leave the sticks where they were, to tell Uncle Norman, who was taking over the farm, about them, and leave him to find someone experienced and equipped to deal with these hazardous objects.  But not us – oh, no, not us!

    Holding one of the sticks, my cousin looked at me.  “Hey,” he said, “I’ve got my .22 in my truck.  I wonder if these would go off if we shot ‘em?”

    Jeff was four years older than me, and, I assumed, wiser.  So, my reply seemed obvious: “Let’s find out!”

    Some instinct made us go a good way from the house before commencing our experiment, so once Jeff retried his old .22 bolt gun, we walked through the orchard and out to the far side of the south cornfield.  There we propped the sweaty old dynamite sticks up against a dirt clod, backed off about fifty yards and commenced experimenting.

    We each had fired off a five-round magazine at the two sticks with no result.  After carefully approaching the sticks, we saw several inarguable bullet holes through them.  But no explosion had commenced.

    It was this moment that Jeff realized the real, physical danger of what we were doing.  “You know,” he said, “if Grandma hears the .22 and comes out here and sees what we’re doing, she’ll cut a switch and wallop the tar of us both.”

    Jeff and I were big tough country boys.  Jeff was about 5’10”, maybe 160 pounds, and hard as rock; at fifteen, I was already a six-footer pushing 200 pounds and could easily toss around 75-pound hay bales.  Grandma was 4’10”, weighed maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, and was in her middle seventies, and we had no doubt whatsoever that she could beat the hell out of us both without breaking a sweat – or that she would certainly do so if she figured out what we were up to.

    “Yeah,” I agreed.  “We’d better do the smart thing, I guess.”

    So, Jeff got a shovel from the tool shed, we dug a four-foot deep hole in the fencerow and buried those two sticks, tamping the dirt down good and hard and scattering dry leaves over the filled hole.  Nothing more was said about the incident by either of us for many years, and as far as we know nobody ever got blown up, so presumably the damp earth rendered the dynamite, eventually, inert.

    I’m no expert on dynamite, though.  For all I know those sticks, buried in the ground all these years, may well still be ert.  Personally, even now, I don’t think I’d go back and try digging in that fencerow, but then there’s lots of things I wouldn’t do nowadays.

    Youth, Testosterone and Beer

    Now, add a couple years and some beer to the mix.

    Back in these days, the age of majority for almost everything was still eighteen.  I could buy beer at eighteen, any kind of alcohol for that matter, which resulted in my being a legal drinker through most of my senior year of high school.  This was the cause of some consternation on the part of teachers, especially since my high school had open campus for seniors.  We generally went downtown for lunch, usually grabbing a sandwich and a brew at one of the local taverns.

    “These boys are coming to afternoon classes smelling of beer!” the teachers protested to the principal.  Bear in mind that this was a time when some semblance of common sense still held sway in a significant portion of the population.  So, the principal’s reply was, shall we say, principled; “Are they drunk?”

    “No,” the teachers replied.

    “Are they disruptive?”

    “No.”

    “They’re legal.  If they have a beer with lunch, and they’re paying attention after that, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

    The teachers withdrew their complaints, we went on having a beer or two with lunch, and everybody was, if not content, at least accepting the inevitable.

    On schooldays at lunch, see, we were mostly responsible.  But add girls to the mix!  That’s when the old saying about “hold my beer and watch this” really gains some traction.

    At This Dance…

    The actual by-gosh Highlandville General Store.

    Fast forward to the summer after I was manumitted from high school.  That summer of 1980 I was working at some odd jobs (bouncer, car repo guy, various farm jobs) while I tried to decide what to do next.  But the highlights of that long-ago summer took place in the little town of Highlandville, about six miles from the Old Man’s place.  That little unincorporated village contained an old one-room schoolhouse that had been converted into a little social center and, that summer, there were danced there every Saturday night.  There was always a local band, usually a few unofficial kegs of beer in crates of ice, and local farm boys and girls from miles around came in to check out the other farm girls and boys.

    One particular Saturday found my folks leaving to go to an Audubon Society conference down in Decorah.  Dad was annoyed with me for some reason I can’t recall and so, when he and Mom left in Mom’s car, he took the keys to his pickup.  He knew my old 66 Ford’s gas tank was dry as a fart and the big gas tank out by the shed was likewise empty, and so presumed I’d be left to sit out a Saturday night at home.

    But there was one thing he forgot.

    After the folks left, I walked around a little bit, grumbling to myself and considering possibilities.  It was a beautiful July afternoon getting along towards evening; the afternoon heat was giving way to the cool of the evening, and the cicadas were still calling from the big box-elders along the driveway; a perfect evening to find a girl and enjoy some of the finer things in my eighteen-year-old life.

    For a few mad moments I considered getting my old bike out of the shed and riding it to Highlandville, but I would not garner any respect from the other local kids if  I had to resort to that, and so dismissed the idea out of hand.  It was too far to walk, and I wasn’t interested in driving the tractor that far.

    Then, as I stood irresolutely in the yard, a bright light dawned:  It was the sun, glancing off the windshield of Dad’s 1954 F-500 six-yard dump truck, parked in the orchard.

    I hopped in.  The old truck, being an unlicensed farm vehicle that had nevertheless seen many years of hard use on northeast Iowa’s graveled roads and farm fields, didn’t have a conventional ignition switch any more, the key switch being replaced by a simple old Radio Shack toggle.  To start the truck, one had to flip the toggle to On, pump the gas pedal three times – not twice, not four times, but three times – and then step on the starter button on the floor, at which point the truck’s old 312 Y-block engine would cough, sputter and come to life with a flatulent roar.

    The actual by-gosh old Highlandville schoolhouse.

    At least, it did so on this occasion.  I had been driving the truck for several years already, hauling dirt and gravel for various jobs around the place, and so was already well familiar with its operation.  I crawled the old vehicle out to the road, stuck the two-speed rear axle in High, and headed for town.

    I arrived without incident.  The old dumper, parked at the edge of the parking lot, occasioned some comment from the dancegoers, but otherwise my evening went well.  I danced with a few girls, drank more than a few beers.

    About ten o’clock, having had no luck with the local girls at the dance, I went outside to grab a beer.  A group of local rowdies were gathered around the keg in the back of Miles Duffy’s pickup.  As I was filling my cup, one of them asked me, “Hey, are you the guy who drove the dump truck in?”

    “Yup,” I agreed.  “Was either that or walk.”

    “I hear ya,” he agreed easily.  He drained his beer at a single pull.  “Say,” he went on, “if a fella was to climb in the back of that, and you were to dump it out, how long you reckon a guy could hang on?”

    “I can’t think of but one way to find out,” I answered.

    We found out.  Not one guy but about six climbed in the back of the truck.  I started the old monster up and, after letting the engine run a moment to build up hydraulic pressure, pulled the knob to dump the box out.

    Not actually Dad’s dumper, but much the same.

    Bear in mind that this vehicle, like a lot of old dumpers, had a tailgate that was hinged not at the bottom but at the top, allowing it to swing open at the bottom to release the contents.  I had undogged the latches on the tailgate before climbing in the cab.  As the box upended, I heard scrabbling as the fellows tried to hold on to the rusty surface of the dump box, and then sliding sounds, followed by a few hard thumps as a couple of them hit the tailgate hard before sliding out.

    Leaving the engine running, I climbed out to see the results.  The first guy to have the idea had a welt on his forehead and a swelling under one eye that looked like it would turn into a beautiful shiner.  “Hey!” he yelled.  “Let’s go again!  I think I can do better!”

    We ended up trying it four or five times.  At one point I tried a run in the back myself and managed to slide out without breaking any bones.

    None of the local gals were impressed, of course, even though at the time we young guys had considered it a serious possibility that they would be.  Eventually an older fellow, certainly on the wrong side of twenty and therefore expected to be responsible, walked over and pointed out, “you know, if you guys keep doing that, someone is gonna get hurt.”

    We all looked at each other, with our collection of bruises, scrapes, cuts and sprains, and agreed that he was likely right.

    Thus, ended the great dump truck experiment.  Eventually, girl-less and bruised, I finished my last beer, climbed in the old dumper, put the axle in Low to keep the speed down to match my impaired reflexes, and guided the waddling, farting old beast back home.

    As It Stands

    Many years later I told my Mom of the incident, one in a series of things that I revealed to the folks after enough years had passed that they would hopefully find the stories amusing rather than enraging.  I had generally been surprised to find out how much they already knew of my escapades, but that one they weren’t too sure of, although Mom remembered one time when they came back from a weekend in town when Dad swore the dump truck wasn’t quite where he left it.

    Nowadays I’m a much more settled sort of fellow, and a phrase like “hold my beer and watch this” will only pass my lips in jest.  Then again, there’s the time I crossed a flooded Arizona creek in the middle of the night in my old Bronco by hitting the stream at about sixty miles per hour and skipping the truck like a rock across the water…

    …but that’s a story for another time.

  • Monday Morning Seriously-I-Have-To-Pinch-Hit-Again? Links

    Huh, what? Sloopy is what? AWOL? And, how is this MY problem? What? Morning links? Huh?

    Oh, OK, OK, I’ll drag myself out of a nice cozy slumber to provide links for these purported humans.

     

    In case anyone was wondering about Wonder Dog and her Ice Cube Tray after OMWC’s post yesterday, here is an Artist’s Rendering of WD and her Ice Cube Tray, with which she sometimes sleeps. (Which she also loved in the Midwest, where it most decidedly was not 95F in October. WTF AZ.)

     

    Um. OK. Links. Lessee.

    And I don’t want to hear a word about any repeat links. Just be glad you are getting something at which to snark!

     

    A corrupt Justice Minister? Nah, unheard of!

    This from my MIL’s former neighborhood. “During a 7:30 p.m. news conference 4 1/2 hours after shooting reports, Boca Raton Police Chief Dan Alexander told reporters one unidentified man experienced a trauma injury after hitting his head on a door at Town Center at Boca Raton, rather than being shot.” Um, not the same as being shot and causing a panic. Morons.

    Oh, FFS. (I homeschooled.)

    Oh, just stop it.

    JFC. I’m done.

     

    I’ve most likely posted this before, but it pretty much sums up my life today. Hope your day is better than mine is shaping up to be!