Today is a twofer in the ongoing esoteric education of the Glibertariat. We have reason N+1 why I “never mention your sign” and also concrete proof of the sciencyness of astrology.
Here is the chart for Jan 18. This in NOT the actual chart I use, but one generated by a computer (SCIENCE!) that has many of the same features and can be used as a teaching example.
So obviously, you’ve got the zodiac around the edge, and the position of all the planets and a few other things marked as to where they are. You will notice that everything falls in the range between Aries and Sagittarius. If your sign is between Scorpio and Taurus inclusive, there is literally nothing there. So why don’t I mention your sign? Because you’re unimportant. Your life has no meaning. The cold, uncaring stars don’t even bother to look in your direction, nor do they avert their gaze. They simply aren’t aware that you exist. The eternal empty eons of apathy ignore you. Only the Glibertarians love you, and you can make them love you more by donating at https://glibertarians.com/donate
“But wait!” you may be saying “There IS something on the chart! That weird messed-up pawn shop logo pointing to Cancer!” Well, no. That’s the ascending node for people born that day– it doesn’t actually exist. But it is a great example of how astrology is a true science.
I’ve talked before how astrology was born out of inductive reasoning — taking data, matching events and signs and using them to make a model that predicts the future, just like notable scientists such as Ptolemy, Pythagoras, Brahe and Copernicus did. But as science advanced, so did astrology. Just as the concrete, inductive discipline of practical masonry lead to the abstract, deductive Freemasonry, so too did astrology gain a philosophical, theoretical, deductive branch. Particle physics has “virtual particles” and “supersymmetric counterparts.” Cosmology has “dark energy.” These are things that might not exist, or in the case of virtual particles absolutely do not actually exist, but we keep them around because they are useful to the models and keep physicists employed. Likewise, clients get pissed off when you tell them that there’s nothing in their sign on any given day, so astrology has developed these virtual heavenly bodies to keep the income stream going (just like any other scientist with their research grants.) Sometimes these are actual objects (like the asteroid Ceres) with absolutely no demonstrated astrological value, and sometimes they are completely invented spots in the sky, like the Dark Moon Lilith (indicated by the black crescent and cross symbol pointing into Aquarius) but they need to exist, otherwise astrology wouldn’t work. And since astrology works, they must exist. Q.E. Freaking. D.
Last week’s amaze-o bad luck Rune of Ending from Wizard of Earthsea has broken up, so that’s good. Still some reverberations from it as Saturn remains aligned with the sun and the moon leading to additional good things ending.
One of those good things that ended was Venus’s transit through Scorpio. If you didn’t take advantage of that, too late. This week Venus enters Sagittarius with Jupiter, so there’s an interesting double-path to good lovin’. Your Game will be on this week (On point? On fire? On fleek?) However, even if you don’t have Game, this is one of those rare weeks where being polite and well mannered will get you laid.
Swimming will be more difficult this week as Saturn joins the Sun and Mercury in Capricorn. Also bad luck involving leather goods. Lastly, someone will make a conscious effort to deceive you.
The moon and Mars are in Aries this week, bringing an extra jolt of belligerence and higgledy-piggledy. Ares will enjoy competitive success, but also an increased risk of indigestion. This is an obvious sign that you should enter an eating contest if there is one this week.
Comments
71 responses to “IFLA: The True Science Edition of the Horoscope for the week of Jan 13”
What if the russians hack your space-agey, CGI, star chart?
Then what, smarty ?
That’s why I use physical charts.
But it’s really not necessary. Whenever Russians hack esoterica, you can tell because they keep treating Greek as if it’s Cyrillic. It’s sad really. They’re not sending their best hackers.
Nope. Did not get the lottery numbers this time either
Also bad luck involving leather goods.
Dammit.
Nice! It has been a while since I listened to that song. I went through a period of about 2 months where I listened to nothing but the Suburbs
Tycho Brahe was a dick.
Yes he was.
SO based on traditional Romanian healing techniques I am drinking rose-hip tea for the cold with lemon and honey. Doubt it does anything but it don’t taste bad.
Wait I messed that up it is Rosa canina, commonly known as the dog rose
Did you spike the tea?
i wanted to but paracetamol and stuff
oh… skip the Jameson’s suggestion then.
You need some a little booze. Jamesons works well.
If you can’t get some 21 y/o Glenfiddich, then yeah, Jameson works OK.
So using a computer to generate a graph makes it science? Huh. I guess man made climate change is the real deal, then.
Now you get it.
Honestly, a lot of people seem to hear the words “computer simulation” or “mathematical model” and assume that they’re magic crystal balls that show the future with 100 percent accuracy.
Well in some timeline, it is accurate, amirite?
The universe in which Spock has a goatee.
This week Venus enters Sagittarius
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t swing that way.
“The eternal empty eons of apathy ignore you.”
News I can use.
I do enjoy these.
Thanks for the lesson. So as a Virgo there is no celestial influences on my life at all if I understand you correctly. So I can probably do whatever I want without consequence. Excellent.
Fun fact: In the draft of Die fröhliche Wissenschaft, Neitzsche had written “My horoscope is empty.” Fortunately, his editor punched up the quote a bit.
But you misunderstand a bit: there’s nothing there for you as a Virgo . But the stars still shine down upon everyone. So the admonition to enter an eating contest applies to everyone, not just Arieses. Though they will do better in the contest.
Ahhhhh, ok. Thanks for the clarification:)
So why don’t I mention your sign? Because you’re unimportant. Your life has no meaning. The cold, uncaring stars don’t even bother to look in your direction, nor do they avert their gaze. They simply aren’t aware that you exist. The eternal empty eons of apathy ignore you.
So…. a typical day?
Screw the Chargers. That is all.
Chargers are the pelican today.
I don’t know what that means. What I do know is the excreble Spanos clan has to be clenching their butts right now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IgUtfHGWZw4
Wait, WHAT? Oh… you said pelicans. Nevermind.
I meant penguin. Sorry.
You bastard! I’ll be watching you.
*sniffles, runs to the corner of the room*
They don’t … um … seem to have shown up for work today.
Yeah. they got pantsed.
Phillip Rivers is the biggest bitch in the NFL. Every incompletion on his part is an uncalled penalty in his mind. He can’t lose big enough.
If a SMOD wishes to grace Gillette stadium with its presence, I wouldn’t complain.
Grumbletarian gets it.
An excellent early afternoon beer. Actually, it’s good any time, except maybe at bedtime thanks to the coffee.
that does not look like early afternoon
also – molasses and cane sugar – is this added to the beer? if so pass. gimme a good pale ale
Yes. More for me.
Hit up a local brewery for brunch this morning, and had a really interesting breakfast beer.
I’d like to try that.
They don’t distribute, but they do have a crowler machine now. They’ve also put up one of the best signs I’ve ever seen in a bar. Right below their Maximum Occupancy sign (which is set at 99 people), they have a sign saying: “Perfect. We only have 99 bottles of beer on the wall.”
To whomever recommended the “Patriot” TV series on Amazon, thank you!
Absurdist comedy at its finest.
Fun, my car died on the way to work. Only four more payments. Fun.
That sucks. ?
Sorry to hear that.
Like piston hanging out of the block died?
The way it was acting I’m worried it might be something that bad.☠️
Sorry.
I have a pint of this sitting in front of me. Poutine is on it’s way.
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/3266/41025/
I had poutine and a crepe for breakfast. Bizarrely, the filling was legitimately Cajun. Andouille and onions for (great) taste, chopped hard-boiled eggs and grits to fill the belly. Quite delicious, especially when it’s in the teens outside.
Chorizo sloppy joe with diced hard boiled egg and mozzarella with diced potatoes for breakfast, paired with good beer. The chorizo could have used a bit more heat to it, but it was solid.
That sounds delicious.
I like poutine.
A local bar has a Breakfast Poutine on their Sunday brunch menu. Poutine with pulled pork and eggs. It’s delicious.
Cheese curds, bacon, Demi glacé. I’ll be in my recliner for the rest of the day.
I’m sitting in a hotel room eating microwave chimichangas. So a big FUCK YOU.
TexMex has a sad.
We’ve got a restaurant with a full Poutine menu. One of the other places we have had to change the name of their Animal Style Frites, which was bacon, fried eggs, whole-grain mustard, cheese curds, and gravy over fries.
I have my annual physical tomorrow and I couldn’t think of a better way to spike my triglycerides than beer and poutine. Smoking baby backs for dinner.
Ah fuck Crappy day here. Here’s your one-way ticket to midnight.
Sorry about the crappy day.
I like the original “Heavy Metal” movie.
Thanks, DEG. My means of beating it is lots of vodka and listening to Rock the Casbah and playing it on my bass while dancing around like a jackoff. Probably shouldn’t have told you the last part.
Goddammit!.
Jesus H… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ9r8LMU9bQ
It says a lot about the psyche of modern progressives that their sob stories from federal workers are from prison guard union reps and IRS/TSA agents. I don’t even think these are meant to provoke outrage or sympathy. The accounts of what these people get to do in their jobs is like proggie porn. You mean you get to enforce arbitrary and nonsensical rules that inconvenience people with no real benefit in the name of the public good?
I found a gun club that is actually accepting new members. Heading out to see if it’s close enough to be worth it. It’s pretty close as the crow flies, but there is the Hudson River in the way and a very odd lack of bridges over it so I’ll have to drive quite a bit north and south to get there.
Are the ranges unusually packed?
Not in my club.
From what I understand, usage rates are very low. But for whatever reasons, the membership caps are never raised.
This place is 15 miles away, but takes 55 minutes to drive there.
My club welcomes new members. I understand many people sign up because a range membership is required by their local police departments issuing gun permits–and not because they want to practice every week.
The place is only a 15-20 minute drive away.