Some time ago I decided to switch from writing YA to the more lucrative genre of romance. If you’ve ever browsed the romance books on Amazon, you’ll know that shirtless billionaires are the in thing. Here’s a sampling of what you can expect from billionaire romances:
I’ve apparently immersed myself too much in the genre, because last night I dreamed myself into a billionaire romance of my own. But it wasn’t just any billionaire romance. It didn’t hit the tropes. It wasn’t written to market. No, I dreamed about what it would probably be like to marry an actual, real-life billionaire. Here is an excerpt of what I can remember from the dream:
My disembodied torso of a husband and I were asleep in our luxury suite; the master bedroom was as big as the house I grew up in. Ah, the life of a billionaire. We lay entangled together in the black satin sheets on the king-sized bed, as blissfully content as two people who are asleep can be. Suddenly, I was awakened by a smash against the window. I sat up, pulling off my black-satin eye mask with the embroidered kitty-cat face on it and adjusting the strap of my black satin negligee. Egg yolk dripped down one of our floor-to-ceiling muntined windows.
“Get out here, you bitch!” a woman’s voice shrieked from outside the window.
“Ah, shit,” I muttered under my breath.
“What are you screaming about?” my husband’s abs asked.
“It’s not me. One of your psycho exes is egging the house again.”
“Well, why the hell isn’t the robotic security guard escorting her off the property? Did you forget to turn the security system on before bed?”
“Since when is that my job?” I protested.
“Wednesdays are your day. Didn’t you look at the chore chart?” grumbled my husband’s pectorals.
Of course I hadn’t. When in my life had I ever remembered to look at the chore chart? There was a reason my mom had given up on giving me those things as a child. If I were a real romance heroine, I would have chastised myself here for being useless, but I’m not, so I didn’t feel particularly remorseful.
“Well, do something about it. I have a headache,” said my billionaire.
I was about to ask how he had a headache when he didn’t even have a head, but then I realized that he did, in fact, have a head, but the features on the face were obscured — like the heroines in Japanese dating sim games, only with carefully groomed stubble on the jaw. I could picture any face I wanted on that head. I could have put a really handsome face on him, but the Sargon of Akkad video I watched before bed said that women are attracted to powerful men more than handsome men, and he probably isn’t wrong (don’t ask me, the last time I dated a man was in 2008), so I decided it didn’t matter in the end what his face really looked like.
“You drank too much champagne at our luxurious party tonight,” I said sympathetically. Like a true billionaire, my husband was a big drinker of strong spirits and consumer of various psychedelic and hallucinogenic substances; I’m not a user of any of those things, but like a true libertarian, I don’t give a fuck what other people do, so his hangover was his problem. “I’ll take care of her.”
I stepped carefully off the raised dais that our bed was centered on went out to the veranda, gazing down at the Olsen twin lookalike standing on the massive lawns beneath our bedroom window. In the light of the full moon, I saw that her eye makeup was either smeared from tears, or maybe she was going for that smudged-eyeliner-raccoon-mask look.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“I’m the one who should be up there right now, not you!” she screeched. “Why would he be interested in you? You’re a nobody! You must have lied to him about your background. He never would have married you if he’d known what you really are: an Italian!”
“I’m pretty sure he knew,” I said.
“You told him?” she asked incredulously.
“No, but he met my dad at the wedding and my dad is just one green hat shy of being a Luigi clone.”
Furious, she switched tactics. “What have you got that I haven’t got?!”
Growing bored with this conversation, I let the truth bomb fly: “I’m the only libertarian woman on the planet. I actively endorse his use of unpaid orphans to staff his business. I’m in favor of a 0% tax rate for billionaires. I don’t get embarrassed when he wears a monocle around the house. Also, I subscribe to PewDiePie.”
As she let out a feral shriek of rage, the android security guard came rolling up. He looked like the robot cop from Futurama, except with a better uniform because we have our standards. The guard hefted her over its shoulder and silently carried her away as she kicked and screamed.
I went back inside, adjusting the black satin robe over my black satin negligee. “I was handling her.”
“Not fast enough,” groaned my husband’s biceps as they tossed the smartphone he’d used to summon security back onto the nightstand.
“You know, hangovers are caused by dehydration,” I informed him sagely.
“You think I don’t know that? I’m a super genius. I know everything.” He pulled the pillows from my side of the bed and buried his head in them. Good, now I didn’t have to do anything about that smudgy, featureless face on his head.
“You want a Gatorade?” I offered.
“Absolutely not.”
“Are you going to punish me like Christian Grey for forgetting to turn the security system on?”
“That’s too much effort,” he said.
I looked at the bed. My side was now pillowless. “Should I sleep on the floor or something?”
“Just get some more pillows from the guest room and shut up.”
I smiled. I may not have been a true romance heroine, but I knew I’d gotten one of the good ones.
* * *
The next day, once he’d gotten over his hangover, he changed into a suit that was unbuttoned all the way down to his navel and we got into our self-driving limousine and went out to some airstrip or something to see a test on his new jet engine or flamethrower or whatever. All I know is that they were doing a ballistic test using a dead pig like on Mythbusters.
“That is the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” I announced.
“It doesn’t bother me,” he said. “Back before I was a rich techno genius billionaire inventor, I used to work at a meat market in the humble Zanzibarbarian town where I grew up, making bacon for the one percent of the country that’s not Muslim. I’ve spent a lot of time around dead pigs.”
I snickered to myself, adjusting my hard hat and thinking about that joke from Rocky and Bullwinkle about the hog flogger. I’d have to show him the clip later, when all these workers weren’t around. It wasn’t a joke for polite society, but considering the fact that we’d fallen in love over memes and edgelord humor and were both registered in the National Database of Rich and Famous Nazis, I knew he’d appreciate it.
What was the point of this scene? I don’t know, it was a dream and dreams never make sense. But the hog flogger joke still makes me laugh even when I’m awake, so I figured I’d include it because like my dream husband, you’re all Nazis, too.
* * *
That’s all I remember from the dream, but I think we’ve got gold here. Next bestseller for the win.
Comments
177 responses to “Billionaire Romance”
I flogged the hog just this morning.
Deserving.
This is a dead end. Dinosaur erotica is where it’s at.
Would
I’m petrified.
Get bones by a T-Rex? Dang…
Is the dinosaur of age?
Uffda. T-Rex sex is the worst
Denver Riggleman would tell you that Bigfoot erotica is where it’s at
Did the little piggy go to market and squeal?
Nice.
sigh. I’m the piggy who got none.
Wrong market?
Brava!!! Brava!!! BRAVA!!!
^Yeah, what Mojeaux said.
I feel like Swiss needs to comment with one of those applause gifs. This was great.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away
The story/dream was quite good, MLW, I’m assuming this is only the beginning of a long, romantic marriage, until the GND’ers get to level the billionaire playing field.
They’ll have escaped to an orbiting space habitat by then.
Also, is there actually an author out there using the pen name “Jane Doe” like in the picture? Because I feel like that would be a red flag.
If there is, I like her style putting “optional tag line here” on the cover.
LOL. I missed that one. They look real enough.
Those two were premade covers for sale on TheBookCoverDesigner, but they reflected what I’ve seen and it was easier to stick to Google Image Search than have to wade through Amazon, haha.
That makes sense. They fit right in, so I didn’t know if they were real or not.
They’ll be real once someone buys them. The designer will put the real title and name on and then we’ll all be subjected to More Torso, haha.
These are hilarious. I’m trying to picture Zuck with rippling abs and tribal tatts, and failing.
I was thinking Bezos. Shredded Men’s Health magazine torso, doughy nerd head. That’s why you have to blur it out.
I went with Zuck because Bezos shaved his head and looks like he’s been hitting the gym lately – Zuck seems blissfully unconcerned with his looks.
Hah! You didn’t get over it!
My disembodied torso husband has something you’ll never have, and that’s billions of dollars. Also, I assume he likes cats or I wouldn’t hav married him.
I bet you gave up all the cats for the pair of white tigers he had, which sounds like what I would buy if I had a billion dollars.
“I should have named it buyer’s remorse.
Thanks for letting me share my weirdness, Glibs! Also, I get an author credit now instead of just guest post? Yaaaayy!
You need a bio though.
That comes with a Gold-Tier Membership. If you want one, just reply to this post with your credit card number, the three digit code on the back, and the expiration month and year.
Step away from the Mythical Woman!
That kind of talk can get you banned from Fiverr.
Good thing HM is one of TPTB here!
Awesome – and the most believable body-builder billionaire husband I’ve ever read about.
Welcome back, MLW!
I am no reading this cause, like with the frogs, it will make me gay!
/asshat
UR GHEY
For some reason, I decided to put my dick into the woodchipper, and try and explain to the commies on hacker news that wealth isn’t a zero sum game. It’s gone about as well as you can imagine.
I just got done telling an admitted commie that I’d take cronie capitalism and tens of millions of civilian deaths at the hands of their own government. I look forward to whatever idiocy they come back with.
I really should just delete my account there. Fantasizing about being married to a billionaire was a way more productive use of my time.
…try and explain to the commies on hacker news that wealth isn’t a zero sum game.
The mere fact that we have 7 billion more people than we did 2,000 years ago but can still feed them all should be more than enough evidence that wealth can be created (and therefor is not zero-sum). If wealth were zero sum, we’d all still be fighting over the same two sticks that Og and Gog the cavemen ancestors owned.
Fuck the sticks. I’m angling for the rock that keeps tigers away.
Those sticks didn’t do shit for Og and Gog when Shere Khan came prowling.
Yeah, trying to teach marxist morons economics is like trying to teach snails quantum physics.
“try and explain to the commies on hacker news that wealth isn’t a zero sum game.”
something, something, Croce, urinating in the wind, something, something
That was ‘spit’ not pee.
But….
+100 for Croce.
Fun question: If wealth is a zero-sum gain, explain why anyone would pay you to write software
Privilege shitlord!
Fun question: If wealth is a zero-sum game (tow the lion, Brett!), explain how your theory justifies that fresh fruit in the winter costs less now than in 1803 in absolute (non-inflation adjusted) money but the average 4BR in the Bay Area costs as much as the Louisiana Purchase. Because a linear theory of inflation doesn’t seem to account for that.
Because Rethuglikkkans have consistently devalued fruits!
The Log Cabin Republicans are a valued member of the GOP’s Big Tent. Stop spreading filthy lies.
*narrows gheys*
Imagine trying to get them to understand that money is not wealth
https://chicago.suntimes.com/news/socialist-democrats-city-council-election-dsa/
Livestream from today’s Glibertarians.com meetup
Da fuq?!
After electroshock thereapy I might be able to unsee that, but how can I repair my youtube browsing history?
Don’t you know better than clicking one of HM’s links?
Never on my work computer, and at home only with a first aid kid, an AED, and a bottle of bourbon next to me…
If you didn’t have a youtube account like me, you’d have
been blocked from seeing it. Apparently my non-participation
pays off again.
MLW, are you the one who used to do the magazine cover spoofs? If so, can I use one as an illo here for a future piece?
Yes and go for it! 🙂
YAY! Thanks. Anything I can do for you, let me know.
Just reply to this post with your credit card number, the three digit code on the back, and the expiration month and year. That way I can pay Heroic Mulatto his extortion fees.
I’d like to join your cock-eyed jungle cult and am sure that I have family members willing to climb aboard!
/golf clap
My wife and I are hoping that one day polygamy will be legalized, and we could marry a billionaire man or woman who was so focused on making money they never had time for a family. We would fulfill that need, and we wouldn’t even complain if they spent all day at work while we hung out in one of the mansions.
Beautiful dream
Hell I’d settle for legal polygamy so we could marry a third who was a fully part of the family allowing us to maintain 2 full time incomes while still having someone home to take care of the kids.
When people stop focusing on Mormon and Islamic Polygamy and considers that there are lots of other potential forms of it you realize that there are actually a lot of social and economic benefits to it
Agreed. And my standard argument for it is as follows. Hugh Hefner used to have a reality show about him and his (several) live-in girlfriends. Nobody complained about that. But if he were to marry those girlfriends, that would be morally outrageous. How does that make sense?
To be fair, he was only having marital relations with one of them.
I know lots of polys. None of them Mormon or Islamic.
There’s a whole underground out there that is non-religious. I even know a poly threesome that is 2 guys, 1 girl.
That would be the route we would most likely go as we agree that jealousy between me and another guy would likely not be a problem (I don’t get jealous) but she probably couldn’t get along with another woman.
Finding people who are like minded and not insane progressives is problematic however
You say that, but I bet that a few years in, you’d start griping about the furniture in your mansion not being replaced. Or that Billionaire actually made you move out to the guest house at the mansion that one week he wanted to use the mansion himself.
Then we would get a divorce, and split everything three ways. It’s a foolproof plan!
BRILLIANT!
With my luck, I’d be stuck paying the alimony.
MLW, great post. Glad you’re contributing to our humble site again.
I just want to know how come I’m not getting royalties on all those pictures of my torso.
Because after the FBI dug it up it stopped being ‘yours’
Did you take the pictures? Because it’s the photographer who holds the copyright (unless you’re a monkey).
😉
Now I get the avatar!
Guaranteed copyright-free in the United States.
OT: Didn’t take long for Gulag Barbie to go full on Stalinist.
https://www.lmtonline.com/news/article/House-Democrats-explode-in-recriminations-as-13653983.php
I like the line calling Republican responses to Democratic idiot bills “mischief’
“House Democrats explode in recriminations as liberals lash out at moderates”
Um, no…
House Democrats explode in recriminations as socialists lash out at liberals.
Cats puff up, growl and hiss at each other before running away in opposite directions.
That was inspired! (I actually watched the Fractured fairy tales bit in its entirety.) Who says that only men sexualize the opposite sex into body parts? Brava.
That was great, MLW! Thanks for the cartoon, as well. Some of those are way funnier than when I was a kid.
Next bestseller for the win.
Serialize, pls.
I’m always left dumbfounded by the writing talent here. I mean, I can snark like there’s no tomorrow but to be able to cogently spin a yarn seems way outside my wheelhouse. I grovel at your feet MLW.
Ice Fishing: ‘I love it. God help me, I do love it so.
Personally I think the story about being stranded is just a cover for the fact that the bite was on and they didn’t want to go back to work.
Q: How did Ole die ice fishing?
A: He drowned when he got home and fried up his “catch”
They snuggled together for warmth. Ole sez “I cahn’t quit ya Sven, to be sure!”
OLE AND Sven took their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were drilling a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, “There is no fish under the ice. Go somewhere else.”
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice came again, a little stronger, “There is no fish under the ice. Go somewhere else.”
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said humbly, “Are you God?”
The voice, “No, the ice rink attendant.”
*applause*
Oldy but a goodie.
Ole and Sven took their poles …
I thought that was headed in a completely different direction.
Oh, ok.
Minnesota/Canada border. February of the worst winter in 35 years.
Lucky fucker. This could have ended much differently.
Fucker-cicle?
Shoot, he had a big fancy ice house and lots of fuel. He was going to be fine. But I hope he bought his rescuers a big bottle of peppermint schnapps for getting him out.
In other ice fishing news:
A Tesla Burned to a Crisp on a Vermont Lake. We Walked Out There and Found It.
Zero emissions?
Hmmm… that $1800 beater Toyota T100 I once owned looks like a better deal.
I can’t wait for the environmental impact report on the damage those batteries caused as they burned up and polluted everything with some of the nastiest chemicals evah…
I don’t know about Vermont but that excuse would not fly in WI. DNR would be all over you for dumping garbage in a lake. You’d get a unpleasant bill after it to.
Yep. Here you have to pay to remove a vehicle that goes through the ice.
I don’t give a fuck how cold it’s been – I don’t drive my own vehicles on the ice.
Hell I’d settle for legal polygamy so we could marry a third who was a fully part of the family allowing us to maintain 2 full time incomes while still having someone home to take care of the kids.
All you need is the right nanny and a wife who “understands” you (wink wink, nudge nudge).
Not the same thing. We’re looking to marry someone rich so we can both quit our jobs. In your scenario, I might get a lot of tail, but I’d still have to go to work in the morning.
Or conversely, have to care for the children.
yeah but if we are talking fantasy screw marrying a billionare and just let me win a billion in the lottery
Lol Mrs Ras wants to be the one who stays home (most of the time)
Shit. If I didn’t need to leave the house for work or beer runs I’d probably never go outside.
Amen to that.
“If I didn’t need to leave the house for work or beer runs I’d probably never go outside.”
If I didn’t need to leave the house for firewood I’d never go outside.
Finding people who are like minded and not insane progressives is problematic however
“Lol, I don’t believe in petit bourgeois conformity. Morals are for chumps. Wait- you like Trump? Get away from me, you degenerate!”
How many buff near-zero body fat gym rat billionaires are out there? Minus Warty, of course.
You forgot about Dunphy
Lebron’s only worth about a half billion
https://www.politico.com/story/2019/03/01/gun-rights-african-americans-1197153
In an interview following his appearance, Toure said he began proselytizing about gun rights in inner cities after seeing too many friends locked up on avoidable gun possession charges. Beyond gun control, he said his mission was to extend conservative values to urban communities, arguing that the blockbuster movie “Black Panther” depicted conservative values in action in the fictional African land of Wakanda. “Think about it,” he said. “Border security; we’re working on our own thing; we don’t really bang with too many outsiders.”
He said he was both using the conservative movement and being used by it. “If you can’t be used, you’re useless,” he said.
Maybe there are a few not-so-stupid players in the stupid party.
WOKE!
WOKER?
WOKEST!
SF pen-pen Name.
People fall for obvious bullshit? GTFO!
Poor Harry looks like he’s just now realizing how bad he fucked up. It’s too bad, really. He was the last, best hope for the Royals.
The star over the butt-hole is the curlicue on the Dairy Queen cone.
Mulder is going to be so disappointed.
I hope she finds a good man to love her and take care of her during these dark days.
Who are you to say xe’s NOT an alien?
Speaking of guns (and stories about them), I saw a Forbes piece (on my phone, so no linkee) by some virtue-signalling ignoramus about some gun store in South(?) Carolina. She was both horrified and outraged, especially by the picture of the Ascended One, PBUH, with the caption, “Gun Salesman of the Year”. So disrepeck! Also, hicks love guns, because they’re a bunch of bloodthirsty inbred morons.
Wasn’t there a picture of Ol’ Whatchamacllit with a shotgun, claiming next to Obamacare hunting was the best thing? Seems like I remember that, NRA/gun owners laughed all the way to Dick”s.
Yep
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/feb/02/white-house-obama-shooting-gun
I’m still willing to bet that was the only time he’s ever touched a firearm in his life.
Really?
Hahahahaha, Obama was left handed
“When seconds count, the only cop on duty is a county away”. But other than that, why would rural people want guns?
I’ve told people that I live out in the countryside and “when seconds count, 9-1-1 is just 15 minutes away”.
Hell, in Minneapolis, the average response time for a Tier 1 call is almost 10 minutes.
Call me a hick. Not giving up my guns.
When that poor dude dropped dead in our parking lot it apparently took 20 minutes for EMS to arrive. I can drive across town in ten.
Help is so far away here we have to email and wait ’til someone comes in the next day to delete everything, figuring the ememgency is probably over.
Always have power of attorney so that someone can delete your browser history. You’re a Glib, it can’t be wholesome.
Or worse… the only cops on duty are the Cowards from Broward.
Welcome back! I recognize that stock photo on the homepage – it’s the one I grabbed for one of my language related articles. If you look real closely you can see all the books are a Japanese juu-oku -sha. This essentially means somebody who 10 x $100m dollars.
Japanese (and I believe other Asian languages) have incremental units and words in factors factors of 10. It’s really annoying and hard to adapt to using.
Poor Harry looks like he’s just now realizing how bad he fucked up.
Harry was a chopper pilot, wasn’t he? Maybe he can arrange a tragic heli-skiing accident in the Alps for her.
Or running into a tree. A ‘Neeson”, if you will…
A Bono?
A ‘Schumacher’.
Wasn’t there a picture of Ol’ Whatchamacllit with a shotgun
I remember that one. What are the odds he even had his eyes open?
Flinching for the win.
I’ve told people that I live out in the countryside and “when seconds count, 9-1-1 is just 15 minutes away”.
A sheriff’s deputy at the cop shop in town, if he didn’t get lost trying to find it, probably couldn’t make it to my front door in much less than twenty minutes.
Re: the book covers
You got a billion bucks, and you’re getting skank-ass tribal tatts?
How else would you know they were “bad boys”?
I guess the all leather get-up doesn’t cut it anymore in Rhywunverse.
Over the weekend, a Tesla Model X caught fire on the frozen surface of Lake Champlain in Vermont. The fire happened around 8 p.m. on Sunday, and the fire almost completely consumed the vehicle.
They took it out on lake Champlain? Good grief what a dumbass. And, yeah, I suspect they’re going to get an astronomical fine.
This sort of matriarchal female gaze that objectifies male bodies has to end!
ftfy
I was triggered. I had to leave my chair to retrieve another beer from the fridge and that’s NOT OKAY!
I had to heave myself out of my chair, walk to the fridge and retrieve another beer. TRIGGERED!
Well whattayouknow…
Yeah, I don’t get this. World #1 bridge player banned for using performance-enhancing drugs: https://www.bbc.com/sport/47420065
Oh FFS
When my Dad used to play league Bridge he’d always get calls from random women that my brother and I called the Chicken Ladies. “Is Daaaaave there? I want to be believe that instead of playing cards they were instead imbibing of euphoric drugs and frolicking around the Elks Hall.
World #1 bridge player banned for using performance-enhancing drugs:
Adderall?
Testers found the presence of Clomifene – a female fertility drug – and synthetic testosterone in a sample provided by the 49-year-old Norwegian.
His obvious defense is that He identifies as She.
My daughter worked part-time at the local public library when she was in high school and she and her colleagues/co-conspirators made a hobby out of physically grouping the romance novels into various sub-genres based entirely on their covers and titles. I remember there was a cowboy millionaire grouping, a sheik grouping, and I think various permutations of with and without “baby”, i.e., “cowboy millionaire with baby” and “cowboy millionaire without baby”.
That’s hilarious.
There was a fat middle age computer programmer category right?
If there was, she had the good sense and discretion not to describe it to me in those words.
That was GREAT MLW. Glad to see you back. Now how about a Teen Vogue cover?
The derp has become too potent for me to process in pithy cover format without my brain melting.
Love it, MLW! Of course, the ex’s rage was about learning what a horrible person her former man was, right? ‘Cuz a real woman could NEVER stay in a relationship with someone so unwoke, no matter how much money he had or how hot he was!
I’d love to see libertarian romance become its own subgenre. With lots more sex.
I thought those were just called Ayn Rand and Robert Heinlein novels
From the two I have met and what I have heard about most of the rest of them billionaires seem like insufferable pricks. You can marry better.