Author: Mythical Libertarian Woman

Our story begins with Mel waking up in the tattoo parlor where she got beaned last week, Jada (previously known as Patchouli Hobo) standing over her. Mel’s like, “What do you want with me?” Jada’s like, “You’re the one who broke in, remember?” Mel recovers from her temporary amnesia and snarks at Jada that the Sarcana should rethink their recruitment methods if they think knocking new members unconscious with a 2×4 is an appropriate initiation tactic.

Maggie, on the other hand, thinks it’s a perfectly appropriate initiation tactic. She says as much when the scene switches over to Mel reporting back to her sisters and Harry. She also warns Mel against letting them do anything like make her eat Oreos until she pukes. Who wrote this? Come on, people, these are FRATERNITY initiation tactics! You could never get away with shit like this under National Panhellenic Conference rules. And let’s be real, all this stuff is the sort of crap guys would think of. Girls are bitchy to each other but they don’t get thrills out of watching each other barf.

Anyway, Harry warns Mel again that the Sarcana are terrorists and that this is an extremely dangerous mission that she should think twice about accepting. They are also pros at mind games—she could be seduced! Mel tells Harry that he’s being hysterical.

Harry: “I beg your pardon, hysteria? Is it quite necessary to use that anti-feminist term?”

(Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)

Suddenly the scene changes and we’re in Bucharest. Wait, Bucharest? Yes, you read that right. After spending the first seven episodes of this show in a tiny town that no one’s ever heard of and never branching beyond its borders, we’ve become globetrotters over the last two: Freyers Township or whatever, and now Bucharest. Wow.

Anyway, there’s this big old cathedral with a skeleton reposing in a glass sarcophagus before the altar. I forgot how weird European churches can be. Connerparkerdemon and his Demon Brother come beaming in through the stained glass and smoking in through the vents and stuff, because just walking through the door isn’t good enough for demon royalty.

They approach the skeleton, St. Dragos. St. Drogo? No, St. Dragos. The saint is all dressed up with a crown and lots of jewelry, including a big pendant with a white stone on it: The Amulet of the Archangels. Demon Brother tells the skeleton that they’ve come to relieve him of his bling (RDA). Connerparkerdemon phases through the glass and removes the pendant, which isn’t clasped or anything, perfect for easy thieving.

An Orthodox priest comes running in just then, waving a stick and screeching “INFERI!!!” The demons prepare to Do Battle. The priest uses his stick to blast them backwards and begins performing a spell to open what appears to be a gateway to Tartarus. So I guess the Moon Stick isn’t the only key! Why Mr. Walton didn’t think of that when he was all pissed off about Jada getting the Moon Stick, I don’t know. Could it be that the writers are coming up with this crap as they go?

Demon Brother makes a running leap, jumps over the opening to the gateway and tackles the priest. The priest drops his staff, closing the portal. Demon Brother begins choking the priest to death, and Connerparkerdemon tells him to let the priest go, as they have the amulet now. They argue about CPD’s human side, but finally Demon Brother acquiesces and agrees to let the priest live. CPD actually believes him and just leaves. Demon Brother picks up the priest’s staff and stabs him through the throat with it, then takes the staff for his own.

The scene switches and suddenly it’s Christmas! Snow is gently falling just outside the window, the first flurry we’ve seen so far in MICHIGAN. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that it will be the last sign of snow we see in the entire series until next Christmas. There will be no 20-foot snow drifts or lake-effect blizzards in any of the upcoming episodes. What was the reason we decided to have this town be in Michigan and not California, again?

Anyway, as Harry and Mel decorate the tree, Maggie brings them a concoction called ḉóqúít́ố. It’s like eggnog, but MUCH better because it’s ethnic. Harry says if he has to try her culture’s foods, she has to try his, and gives her some of his homemade fruitcake. She gags because White Man Food is gross, unlike eggnog with coconut, which sounds much better.

Six minutes into the episode, Macy appears out of nowhere to tell us they found the driver who hit Friendzone. Oh yeah! I killed Friendzone by sheer strength of will at the end of the last episode! Except Macy informs us that he luckily escaped with just a broken leg. Goddammi—

Mel and Maggie theorize that since the driver was drunk and had two prior DUIs on his record, maybe the accident was just a coincidence and had nothing to do with the mark that suddenly we know Friendzone’s grandma put on him which was the obvious conclusion but since Harry and Macy jumped to a different one in that episode it became really confusing when everyone just suddenly knew his grandma had done it. Macy decides to call Miss Cleo Mama Roz, whose phone number she suddenly has, and find out more information.

Maggie the Millennial checks her phone and tells the sisters that Ray is on his way. Who? Oh, no one important. Just Mel and Maggie’s father.

???

I guess I just assumed that the identity of their father would be a mystery because wasn’t it in the original show? But no, this guy is just a deadbeat dad. They call him by his first name to show off what a deadbeat they find him to be. Maggie the Gullible Millennial still has hope they can have a good relationship now, 15 years after he abandoned them, though. That’s why she invited him to the Vera-Vera-Vaughn family Christmas! He will definitely come and not stand them up.

Macy comments how odd it is that they call him by his first name, since her own father (you know, who raised her??) was always called ‘Dad.’ Maybe because he raised you?

And while we’re on the subject of your dad, Macy, I have some questions—is he your birth father or were you adopted? If he was your birth father, why do you keep saying your mother “gave you up” instead of just assuming that your dad got sole custody? If he was your birth father, why did he and your mother split up? Did he know she was a witch? Is he the reason for the non-melanin-related “darkness” within you? Well? Speak up—

Never mind that, back to Mel and Maggie’s deadbeat! He left them the day after Maggie’s fifth birthday! He’s the literal worst!

The doorbell rings. It’s Friendzone, fresh from the hospital! Macy doesn’t know whether it’s safe to go near him, so she asks Harry to distract him with ḉóqúít́ố. On his way in the door, Friendzone tries to ambush Macy with mistletoe. This ends with him slipping on a banana peel and falling on his ass, courtesy of the mark. Good times are had by all.

Meanwhile, over at the Generic Science Lab, Mrs. Walton (Macy and Friendzone’s boss) is talking to her son, Connerparkerdemon. I had basically suspected that she was Mr. Walton’s wife or ex-wife since she’s a high-up at WalDemon, but this is the first episode where it’s actually confirmed. She’s taken the three samples of Charmed One blood that they’ve collected over the last several episodes and run tests on them, confirming that the Charmed Ones’ powers could indeed be used to create a cure for Connerparkerdemon’s Affliction. The cure would kill his human half, making him pure demon. Connerparkerdemon isn’t convinced that the tradeoff of losing his human side would be worth it, but Mrs. Walton is like, “DAMMIT, YOU’RE MY SON, YOU MUST LIVE!”

She urges Connerparkerdemon to take the Amulet of the Archangels he and his brother procured in Bucharest (how did they get there and home so fast? Is everyone in this show able to apparate except the sisters?) and give it to Maggie. Since she’s the empath, if she wears it long enough, it will drain all three of their powers, because logic. As their powers drain, the stone will turn black; but if she takes it off before their powers have completely drained, their powers will return. Connerparkerdemon’s like waaaah I don’t want to hurt Maggie! Mrs. Walton’s like it won’t hurt her, just take away her magic. Connerparkerdemon’s like ☹

Meanwhile, over at the Walton Lair, Mr. Walton is discussing the current state of affairs with Demon Brother. It turns out the reason Mr. Walton wants a cure for Connerparkerdemon has nothing to do with familial affection—apparently there’s some kind of prophecy that when the apocalypse happens, the Source of All Evil will take a demon born of a human as his vessel. Mr. Walton believes that the prophecy refers to Connerparkerdemon, and if they can get rid of his human side, then the Source will possess him after they free it and Mr. Walton will be able to RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Back at the house, Harry is doing a very excellent job of distracting Friendzone with completely heterosexual dialogue such as, “How do you like the tree? The balls are very well spaced,” and, when Friendzone asks where Macy is, “That little lady is in the kitchen cooking up a storm, so don’t even think about dragging her away from that stove.” (Real Dialogue Alert: I didn’t make any of that up.)

Mel heads off to a pledge meeting for her sorority—my, how the tables have turned! As she heads out the door, Connerparkerdemon strolls in, laden with PRODUCT PLACEMENT!

Connerparkerdemon gives Maggie her gift and urges her to open it now. She adequately fawns over the amulet, which he claims he picked up at a vintage boutique, which men are known to shop at, and helps her put it on. He also shows her the gift he got for the mysterious Ray, who’s “in Japan for the year” (is… he a professor too? Maggie said he was driving from Minneapolis earlier?): a chess set inspired by Japanese netsuke carvings. See, shit like this is why I hated this douchebag before we found out he was a demon and he automatically became interesting. Maggie says she doesn’t deserve him because he’s too perfect. Connerparkerdemon’s like ☹

Over at the tattoo parlor, the witch sorority is like, BOOM SHAKA LAKA! And Mel gets a magic tattoo on her wrist, no bloodletting required. As the initiation ceremony is completed, a bunch of crows appear and fly around the room. CROWS, YOU SAY?

Five minutes later, she’s back at the house and telling Harry all about it. The crows + the Lichtenberg figures clearly = Jada killed Dead Hippie Mom. Harry seems convinced. Macy comes bursting out of the kitchen like BITCH WAT U DOIN UR SUPPOSED TO BE DISTRACTING FRIENDZONE AND PLYING HIM WITH ¡ȻỐQỪỈTỢS! Harry’s like calm your tits, Connerparkerdude’s distracting him! Macy peeks in on them chatting and when they do the bro high five-handshake thing that guys do, CPD collapses in pain while Friendzone’s cowrie shell mark glows. Maggie assumes CPD’s just losing his powers again, but having seen the mark, Macy knows otherwise. She rushes outside to give Mama Roz a call, because I guess the house has bad cell reception or something who knows.

Mama Roz tells Macy that if the mark caused CPD to have that reaction, it’s a sign that he’s a magical being with a strong evil energy inside him, most likely a demon. Macy gets off the phone to warn her sisters, but is CLUBBED OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL! So Mags Visaggio is a writer on this show? Because there’s a lot of blunt force trauma to the head going on here.

The perpetrator, Demon Brother, drags her into the garden shed and ties her to a chair with zip ties. Ah, bondage. He then takes her form and tries to go back into the house. Unfortunately, his demonic energy is so much stronger than CPD’s that Friendzone’s mark just NOPEs and repels him straight out of the house as soon as he set foots in the door.

Mel comes running to see what happened and find “Macy” flat out on the ground. She asks “Macy” what happened, and “Macy” tells her that Mama Roz said that Friendzone’s mark is malfunctioning, which is a thing that makes sense, and that it’s hurting people who are innocent, so they need to take it off him. “Macy” gives Mel a spell that “Mama Roz” “gave” “her” that is supposed to remove the mark. It’s a potion which can be mixed into the ḉóqúít́ố. Mel mixes it up and gives it to Friendzone who’s like, “Oh geez, not more of this shit, please,” as Mel pins him down on the couch and shouts, “DRINK, BITCH.”

(Dialogue Alert: Some of that was real, you get to figure out which for yourselves.)

After Friendzone has imbibed, Mel returns to report to “Macy.” “Macy” says the best way to test out whether it worked or not is to snuggle up to her man and see if she can get a little stocking stuffer tonight. I… think Demon Brother is gay? He keeps over-the-top flirting with other males while in female form, including his BROTHER which was eww. Anyway, Mel is like, “Whoa, Macy, you’re not seriously thinking of losing your virginity tonight, are you?” Guess there was definitely no deflowering on Halloween, then. Demon Brother is like dafuq at this revelation, but plays it off like lol jk and they go into the house.

In the dining room, Maggie and Connerparkerdemon are admiring the Victorian ice skating figurines that Maggie has set up on the table. Maggie complains that Mel hates it and won’t ever let her put the whole set out, because “All the figurines are super white and conforming to traditional gender roles.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.) At those words, Connerparkerdemon begins to die of consumption. I know, CPD, I know.

Maggie frets over him and asks if he brought his meds. CPD tells her that he’s supposed to be starting a new regimen, one that could cure him, but he’s worried about the side effects: they may make him feel like a different person. Maggie says that anything personality-altering sounds like bad news and maybe he shouldn’t take it. CPD says he doesn’t want to but his family is pushing it on him. Maggie says it’s just because they love him and want to save him. CPD laments that none of them care what he wants. Maggie says she’ll always listen to him. They undress one another with their eyes as the amulet turns from white to black.

Mel sees the amulet change and her eyes bug out. Still suspicious of CPD after the incident with Friendzone’s mark earlier, she drags Maggie upstairs and asks her what the meaning of this necklace is. Maggie suggests that maybe it’s a moodstone. It sure is gaudy enough to be one. Maggie gets mad that Mel is implying CPD is a demon, because the additional implication is that Maggie is so stupid that she’s been reading his thoughts for months and hasn’t noticed yet.

Well… hon…

Just then, her phone dings—a text from their dad telling them “lol just kidding I’m not coming.” He said he was on his way and then he lol jk’ed? Maggie runs away yelling at Mel that she’s always right. Connerparkerdemon runs after her to console her. They embrace in her room as she confesses that Mel always treats her like she’s stupid and naïve. She asks him about the necklace and he reiterates that he got it at a vintage shop and that it probably is a mood necklace. He promises to never hurt her, and while they mack, he unhooks the necklace and slips it into his pocket. As soon as he takes it off her, the stone turns white again. Mel, watching from the doorway like a peeping tom, sees the stone change, which makes her Even More Suspicious.

She runs to go tell “Macy,” who, being in actuality Demon Brother, now knows that CPD betrayed them by taking the necklace off. Meanwhile, in the garden shed, real Macy has regained consciousness and is trying to get the gag out of her mouth with her telekinesis. As Mel and Harry formulate a plan with “Macy,” the real Macy succeeds in removing her gag and calls Harry. Harry goes, “Macy, I hear you calling me, but you’re right here?” Demon Brother realizes the jig is up and attacks Harry. He hurls him through the attic window—that’s the second time that window’s had someone hurled through it—and pursues him down to the garden.

Macy calls Harry again, and he apparates away from Demon Brother and into the shed to free the real Macy. Mel and Maggie, meanwhile, run into the garden and find “Harry” there. Now begins the hijinks of “who’s the real So-and-So?!” as Demon Brother shapeshifts from person to person. These shenanigans are brought to an end when Connerparkerdemon runs out, sees what’s going on, and charges his brother. They get into an “epic” fight (bearing in mind this show’s budget), with the two of them shifting back and forth into their shadow and smoke forms.

Demon Brother temporarily stuns CPD and barrels toward Mel. Mel tries to freeze him but has just about as much luck as she did when she tried it before. Just then, the magical tattoo she got from the witch sorority starts glowing, and a murder of crows swarm in and attack Demon Brother, driving him away. Mel realizes that the crows came to protect her, and wonders if the crows that were in the house the night their mom died weren’t the accomplices of the murderer, but rather had come to protect her, too.

Anyway, Demon Brother is gone and now everyone knows that Connerparkerdemon is the shadow demon who stole the Moon Stick from them a few episodes ago. He says he can explain, and then kidnaps Maggie so he can explain, because that’s how we do things on this show. If someone needs to do some ’splainin, they kidnap the person who needs the ’splainin to. He takes her to some snowy gazebo where he tells her The Whole Story. Maggie is like “zomg you lied to me! I’m just as naïve as Mel said I was! I never want to speak to you again!” and runs back to the house.

Maggie pouts a little bit to her sisters and Harry about CPD’s betrayal, but they don’t get much time to recoup before Demon Brother is BACK. He comes down the chimney in his smoke form like Santa Claus, Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho. He’s like u bitchez gon die bc u cut mah pretty face (No, really) (Gay), but is stopped in his tracks when Connerparkerdemon materializes with the Orthodox priest’s staff in his hand. He uses the staff to open the portal to Tartarus. Or, at least, that’s what he TRIES to do, but he starts coughing his damn brains out in the middle of the spell.

The three sisters run to support CPD and perform the spell for him. The portal to Tartarus opens, sucking Demon Brother in… and sucking the staff and Harry in, too! Harry dangles on the precipice for a single instant before murmuring, “Fly, you fools,” and disappearing into the fiery bowels, the floor sealing closed after him.

Bye, Harry!

As the girls stand there staring aghast at the floor where once there was a hole where once there was Harry, Friendzone awkwardly clears his throat behind them. Whoops, forgot about him, didn’t you? He’s apparently been sitting there the whole time and no one noticed. Essentially his role on this entire show.

“What the hell?” he asks.

What the hell indeed, Friendzone!

Fin.

Overall thoughts: Damn, I was hoping Friendzone would be leaving the show soon, not becoming more important!

That’s all I got, it’s too hot to think.

Okay, so first things first. We established last time that whoever is writing this is a weeb Sailor Moon fan, right? Good, because that’s the only possible explanation for the opening of this episode. With no prelude or explanation whatsoever, for some reason this episode starts out with the girls in some other city that’s not Hilltowne, chasing around the Patchouli Bag Lady who stole the Moon Stick. The Sailor Guardians hurl some magic at the lightning youma, but she’s too fast for them, so they give up and go home. Seriously. They just LEAVE.

All right.

As soon as the sisters take off, Patchouli Hobo apparates back in and, with the coast clear, plunges the Moon Stick into the ground. Guess she’s opening the door to Tartarus after all! Too bad she was too swift and clever for this trio of witches who are supposed to be the most powerful and undefeatable sorceresses of all time. The ground splits open and the Moon Stick breaks back into three pieces as a zombie hand emerges from the earth.

Now that we’re all totally confused, the episode begins in earnest! Back at the house, Harry and Charity are looking at a broken rock on the table. Harry tells the girls that if this lodestone is broken, that means the Moon Stick is broken too. I… did I skip an episode somewhere? Where did the lodestone come from?

Charity informs the girls that the broken lodestone = broken Moon Stick = a demon must have been released from Tartarus, but they don’t know which one it was. However, whoever it is can most assuredly be assumed to be The Supreme Evilest (*cough* Trump *cough*), so the girls need to be ready to fight. They will have a window where the demon is weakened from its imprisonment in Tartarus, so if they want to defeat it, they’ll have to move fast.

Harry and Charity flirt, everyone gags, Mel tells Charity she’s been researching electricity demons who can teleport and hasn’t found anything, Harry acts surprised that Patchouli Hobo was able to teleport, I am even more confused because he saw her do it, right? He said that only Whitelighters could do that and it was all like ooooh evil Whitelighter, remember? Is there a gas leak in here?

Since I guess there’s not an imminent crisis or whatever, Macy heads off to work and Maggie heads to an internship recruitment meeting. Some fucking weird-ass hipster whistle music ironically twees at us while two yuppie Pinoys tell Maggie and a group of rapt millennials about their new dating app, which sounds like it’s exactly the same as other dating apps (it works using algorithms!), but it’s special and different and will help you find your one true love. You see, since Maggie has found her one true love in the form of a demon princeling, she wants to spread her happiness and is therefore interning with this company to… get her sisters laid, I think? Anyway, whoever refers the most new customers to the app gets to go to Chicago for some kind of seminar or something over the summer, and Maggie is all about that because Connerparkerdemon’s dad, CEO of the WalDemon, has a branch in Chicago, so they can spend a loving summer in the city.

Connerparkerdemon’s dad has other plans, though. He wants some of that sweet, sweet Charmed One blood, and the easiest way to do that is to employ all three sisters so he can mandate a blood test. Thus Connerparkerdemon suggests to Maggie that she instead come work with him at WalDemon this summer, so that they can make out during their breaks and for no other reason whatsoever. Maggie, a waman making her own way in the world, declines. It’s on to Plan B, then!

Back at WalDemon headquarters, Connerparkerdemon is getting a thorough dressing down from Mr. Walton. Why are you such a failure, blah blah. While he yells at him, Connerparkerdemon is overcome by a fit of tuberculosis. I guess that rare autoimmune disease thing from last episode wasn’t a lie after all. Since he’s half demon and half human, his halves are trying to kill each other, so he really is dying. WalDemon has been using their epigenetic whatevers to produce a serum that he injects to keep himself alive for however long. Apparently the reason Mr. Walton is trying to get Charmed One blood is to make a Better Cure that will keep Connerparkerdemon from dying. This seems uncharacteristically caring of him. Anyway, Connerparkerdude’s dying-ness makes for a brilliant Plan B. But more on that later.

Meanwhile, somewhere… for some reason… two gay dudes are on a date. They met each other on Maggie’s dating app and it was twu wuv at first sight. Isn’t it so sweet, this young love? Until it turns out that one of them is a demon and HE EATS THE OTHER ONE’S FACE! HOW’S THAT FOR TWU WUV?

Back at the house, Charity and Harry are flirting while the underemployed grad school dropout Mel sits on the couch “researching” things in the Book of Shadows, because today it’s a book that actually has to be read rather than just “magical Siri give me the answer.” Her studying is interrupted by a Google news alert on her phone reporting the disappearance of the gay dude whose face got ate. He disappeared in [Whatever Fucking City that isn’t Hilltowne from the Beginning]! That’s where we lost Patchouli Hobo! Let’s roll out!

They get to the crime scene and Mel freezes time. They help themselves to rubber gloves from the police’s stash, and Charity explains to Mel that they need to determine whether the incident was demonic or human in nature. If it’s a normal human crime, they would back away and leave it to the police; their jurisdiction only covers supernatural crime.

Mel, apparently trying to fill the void Niko left in her life by becoming a junior crimestopper, is incensed. Shouldn’t they be using their powers to help everyone?! Charity points out that if they used their powers to deal with human crime over a planet with seven billion people, it would leave them no time to deal with the demons who would just kill all the humans anyway. Mel ignores her and starts snooping in the back of the missing gay guy’s car. There she finds glowing blue… stink bug carcasses? Honestly, I can’t really tell, but it’s insectoid in nature. Cue Harry flipping out like a little girl.

As they leave the crime scene, they are watched by a homeless woman using a storm drain as her toilet. Oh, I mean by Patchouli Hobo.

Back at the house, Macy is discussing her lack of social life with Maggie. Macy believes that being a workaholic is the best way for her to have an amazing career. Maggie tells her she needs to “shake that gorgeous hair of yours out” and live a little.

AND THEN SHE TOUCHES MACY’S HAIR AND MACY DROPS EVERYTHING TO GIVE HER A LECTURE ABOUT HOW YOU DO NOT TOUCH BLACK WOMAN HAIR

NO, I’M NOT KIDDING, SHE SERIOUSLY DOES

TO HER OWN SISTER

With that educational moment out of the way, Maggie suggests Macy sign up for her dating app, telling her that if she gets the most signups she gets to go to Chicago for the summer. Macy has a sad because she wants to have a sister summer. Weren’t you just screaming at her not to touch your sacred black woman hair?

Macy guilts her that she’s not allowed to leave her sisters because they can’t use the Power of Three without her. Maggie points out that Chicago is only a two hour drive away, and if it’s an emergency, Harry can apparate her. Macy says they can’t keep doing that to him because it makes him sick. I honestly thought they weren’t going to bring that up again ever, since it was just a throwaway line in the Belinda Carlisle episode, but I guess it is supposed to be important.

Over at the bar that didn’t exist until two episodes ago, Mel is taking out the trash, and, wonder of wonder, encounters Patchouli Hobo Dumpster diving. PH throws a lightning bolt at her; Mel freezes time to stop the lightning before it can hit her. PH flirts with her in the style of Garrus Vakarian, all reach and flexibility. Mel demands to know who she is. PH informs her that her name is Jada Pinkett-Smith and she’s here to recruit Mel for the Sarcana—short for Sisters of Arcana—an elite organization of witch mercenaries.

Mel is dubious that Jada is a witch and not a demon. Jada explains that she’s actually half witch, half Whitelighter, which is apparently Forbidden™. Thus, the Elders have tried to wipe her out of existence, but she’s managed to stay one step ahead of them with the help of the rogue witches in the Sarcana. Mel asks if she’s been killing the Elders, including her mother, because of their stance on Whitelighter/witch halfbreeds. Jada tells her that Dead Hippie Mom was secretly an ally of the Sarcana, and urges her again to join them and use her Charmed One powers to do good. She points out that the Sarcana help all of humankind, not just the magical ones, so if Mel were to join the Sarcana, she could fulfill her dreams of becoming Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Witch.

Jada leaves Mel with instructions to look for a spell on page 672 of the Book of Shadows, the Désénnnmáscárrrrrrárrrrrrrrrrrr spell. She helped Dead Hippie Mom write the spell, so if it’s there, it will be proof to Mel that Jada is telling the truth. She also gives Mel a shard of the Moon Stick so that it can’t be reassembled, as further proof of her loyalty. She tells Mel that she used it to free a witch who had been wrongly imprisoned by the Elders. She warns Mel that, Charmed or no, if she breaks the wrong rule, she could be the next to end up in Tartarus. Then she swishes her cape and swoops out.

Mel races straight back to the house and blurts everything out to Charity, because that seems wise. Charity is like, “That’s not possible. I mean, we killed the Sarcana.” LMAO you’re really helping your case there, Charity. But they’re terrorists, you see. They practice illicit magic in order to carry out vigilante justice. They don’t follow law and order at all. Very bad, very naughty. Mel asks how Jada could have known about the Désénnnmáscárrrrrrárrrrrrrrrrrr spell if she were lying. Charity says because the Sarcana were founded by a rogue Elder who used to have possession of the Book of Shadows. Mel hrrmmmms.

Meanwhile, Macy has caved and signed up for Maggie’s dating app. She’s not convinced she’s going to have any luck, though, because “studies have unanimously found that black women and Asian men are not only the least swiped on, they’re the least matched,” and on the off chance she did match with someone, “I’d likely be fetishized by those matches, and the last thing I want is some guy I just met telling me how exotic I am and how cute our babies will be.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)

Finally! Bring me the wokeness!

Later, Charity is sitting outside all contemplatively. Harry comes out and tries to make out with her, but she says no—their love was a mistake, cursed, never meant to be. All right then. Harry’s balls a bright shade of neon blue, they then reminisce about her dead sister, who I guess was the one that Harry was the guardian for who blabbed her secret and got thrown in the loony bin and then committed suicide (from episode 3).

Over at the Generic Science Lab, Friendzone is crying softly in his cubicle. Looks like Summer wasn’t so Endless after all! Seriously, what was the purpose of that plot point? Anyway, Friendzone is single again and isn’t happy about it. He’s all snappy at Macy, who is not here for being spoken to that way by penises. She says, quote, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but let me be clear: There’s no version of this relationship where you ever get to talk to me like that.” (She asked him where his reports were and he told her that he’d already emailed them to her. But he said it in a mad-sounding voice.)

The penis promptly bows down and begs forgiveness, which she benevolently bestows, as she is in a charitable mood today. He tells her she’s basically amazing and doing a fantastic job. She nods graciously.

At home, Maggie urges Macy to take advantage of Friendzone’s newfound singleness to “climb him like a tree.” Meow. Macy insists that ship has sailed, and also reminds her of the cowrie shell protection mark on him: “The one his grandma put on him.” Wait, what? I thought the last time we talked about this, you and Harry decided you’d put it on him yourself with your Afrocarribbean magic? Or something? I really feel like I’ve missed an episode, or perhaps the writer of this episode did.

Anyway, now Macy wants to take advantage of the new Asian guy who matched with her on the dating app—after all, since they’re both the bottom of the barrel, they can trust each other or something. This show is so anti-racist that it’s honestly kind of racist.

Maggie heads off for her own date with Connerparkerdemon. They’re eating WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT

Over the course of one episode Maggie has apparently forgotten that she’s vegan and is now happily munching on what the actual fuck. We are distracted from this atrocity when Connerparkerdemon begins “losing his powers”. He runs to the bathroom to try to regain his composure. There, he is felt up by the waitress. Oh, I mean his brother the shapeshifter, pretending to be the waitress. That makes it less gross, definitely.

Demon Brother, previously known as FBI Agent Demon Guy, informs Connerparkerdemon that he’s here to ensure he stays on task. He can’t be distracted by Maggie’s feminine wiles. He can’t fall for the witch, dammit, a demon could never fall in love with a witch! He may be half human, but Demon Bro knows that inside, he’s a true demon. This dialogue is so hamfisted, I’m telling you what. It can be really hard to keep a straight face watching this.

Anyway, “losing his powers” at the dinner table made for a great excuse to get Maggie’s blood. When he returns, she asks if he’s okay, and he says that he’s been feeling sicker recently because he’s supposed to get a plasma transfusion but they haven’t been able to find a matching donor. Maggie volunteers to be tested to see if she’s a match for him, which conveniently gives the Waltons access to her blood. Hook, line, and sinker.

Meanwhile, another innocent couple (this one hetero) is on a date, marveling over how they found their perfect match on Maggie’s dating app. Wait a second—isn’t that the gay guy? He’s not gay anymore? He’s bi? It doesn’t matter, HE’S EATING HER FACE! NOM NOM NOM!

Back at the house, Mel is having a crisis of spirit while Harry whimpers to himself about insect demons. When Mel mentions to Harry that she’s having second thoughts about Jada, Harry tells her that Charity’s sister who died (Fiona) had apparently been tricked by the Sarcana into revealing herself and was then abandoned by them. He warns Mel that they’re ruthless and he doesn’t want another of his charges to end up dead. Mel whatevers him and changes the subject.

At some other restaurant, Macy is on her date with the Asian guy and the two of them are commiserating about being statistically the least desirable members of humanity. This show is definitely not racist. Macy is attracted to his admission of unattractiveness. He thanks her for not being racist. (No, really, RDA.) But I think this entire episode just proved that she is? Anyway, no matter, he escorts her to her car, they kiss, and YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

Oh, so the perfectly nice Asian dude is a demon? I see how it is.

Back at the house, Maggie has returned from her date just in time to find Mel and Harry discovering a lead in the Book of Shadows: the demon who made the missing gay guy go missing was likely a cicada demon, and the things they found in the back of his car were pieces of exoskeleton. This demon appears every 17 years, taking human hosts to mate with before going dormant again for another 17 years. The last time it awoke, three Hilltowne University students disappeared.

Um, a lot more than three have disappeared this time.

Maggie takes a look at the list of missing people and realizes that they’re all people she’s signed up for the dating app. Whoopsie! Realizing Macy must be next, they race to find her. But it’s too late—Macy is already caught up in their web. Their web? These are cicadas, not spiders…? No matter! Gross bug thing!

They decide to try heading down to the dating app’s headquarters. Once there, Mel freezes time so Maggie can read the employees’ minds without them resisting. They discover that the colony’s queen is holed up in the basement, preparing to lay her eggs in each of the stolen host bodies. Eww. Once there, they find all the missing people all caught up in web. Spiders…? Harry has a panic attack. Mel and Maggie push through and find most of the victims have already had eggs laid in their mouths. This is even grosser than it sounds.

While they retch and gag, they’re confronted by one of the two yuppie Pinoys who founded the app, now in full bug form with some truly excellent CGI. /sarc Mel gives him a good stab through the head. Now all that’s left is the Queen Pinay. They free Macy, who’s dazed because the venom was pretty strong. Spiders…? As she recovers, Queen Pinay descends on her web. Spi—

They cast the banishing spell. It doesn’t work. IT NEVER WORKS. Queen Pinay starts making the room get really hot, which is apparently something bees can do. Bees now?? No matter; Macy uses her telekinesis to bring a heavy object down on her, because everyone knows the easiest way to kill a bug is by smashing it.

So did everyone else who got kidnapped die, too? This isn’t made clear. They did get their faces et, but I mean so did Macy and somehow she’s fine.

The sisters return to their house, where Maggie announces that she’s decided against going to Chicago this summer—this near death experience made her realize she could lose her sisters at any times, and you know. Hos before bros and all.

To an extent, at least, because the next order of business is to try to make Macy/Friendzone happen. AGAIN. Macy resolves to give him a call and try to work around the cowrie shell mark that whoever put on him.

The next day at work, Mel is taking the trash out again. At least, I think she’s at work? I don’t know where else it would be, but they’re suddenly using a much larger cityscape stock photo for their lead shots, so I can’t tell Hilltowne from Freyersville or whatever the fuck now. Anyway, in the alley, some dude in a ski mask is mugging some woman. Mel starts to use her powers, then thinks better of it and goes running in to try to stop him the human way. She’s interrupted by Jada, who just tasers the dude with her lightning power and then uses her Whitelighter power to wipe the woman’s mind. How convenient! Whitelighters and witches definitely shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Such forbidden.

Jada tells Mel off for not stopping him herself. Mel argues that she was going to, the human way. Jada snarks that she’s kowtowing to the Elders, and when she’s ready to make a real difference—silence that stretches out about 5 seconds too long and veers into squirming discomfort territory—to come find her. Before she apparates out, Mel notices a tattoo on her hand that surely has some deeper meaning.

Mel rushes to Harry’s office, where we find a poster on the wall which asserts, Women’s Rights Are Human Rights. Once there, she summons Charity, telling her she needs to talk to her about what’s really going on with the Elders. Charity is like, “We were just about to summon you!” and leads Mel through a portal to WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

So it turns out the Elders are actually made up of a bunch of department store mannequins with a variety of ethnic hairstyles. This is normal. Charity assures Mel that their faces have been strategically blurred by the production team of Cops in order to protect their anonymity, since someone’s gunning for them and whoever that someone is can’t tell who they are just from the fact that they’re radiating magical energy or whatever.

Mel asks the Elders for more information about the Sarcana. Charity tells her that the Sarcana are tricking her by pretending to care about innocent people; the Elder Council protects the world, whereas the Sarcana are only concerned with serving their own ends, and won’t hesitate to harm innocents if it suits their own causes. Mel asks if Charity is referring to her sister, Fiona. Charity says that yes, Fiona is an example.

She then tells Mel that the Elders have chosen her for a mission: they want her to act as a spy on the Sarcana.

Dun DUNNN

The scene switches to Maggie going to visit Connerparkerdemon to tell him she had the plasma testing that morning. She also tells him that Mel went with her for moral support and donated plasma as well; she figured if neither of them were a match for Connerparkerdemon, at least someone will get some help out of it.

Oh, Connerparkerdemon says cheerfully, someone out there will be helped very much wink wink nudge nudge.

Meanwhile, over at the bar that didn’t exist until two episodes ago, Macy is boozing up in preparation for asking Friendzone out. She gives him a call and asks him to come meet her. Being pussywhipped, he says he has a few things to finish up at the Generic Science Lab and then he’ll be right over.

Mel has copied down the tattoo she saw on Jada’s hand and tracked it down to a tattoo parlor for which it’s the logo. The tattoo parlor looks like the inside of Miss Cleo Mama Roz’s nail salon, but my sister said she thinks it’s supposed to be a different place and they just used the same set. Inside the darkened parlor, Mel uses the Désénnnmáscárrrrrrárrrrrrrrrrrr spell, which opens a hidden door. She passes through… and is viciously clubbed to unconsciousness by some woman wielding a two-by-four.

Jada comes running in like, “Whoa whoa whoa, what are you doing, she’s the one I was trying to recruit!”

The woman replies, “But she almost saw Fiona.”

OOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So I guess we know who Jada busted out of Tartarus, then! So much for being dead!

Meanwhile, Friendzone has finished up at the lab and is strolling over to the bar to meet Macy. Here is a literal transcription of what happened:

Me, to my sister: “Random thought: What if Friendzone dies?”
Friendzone: *GETS HIT BY A CAR OUT OF NOWHERE*
Me (again): OOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Fin.

Overall Thoughts: While not as severe as in the first couple episodes, there was some delicious woke in this episode. It seems like they’ve switched from Mel being the main purveyor of woke to it being Macy. I mentioned before that despite being the worst actress, they seem to be giving Mel the most plot, and Maggie and Macy are sort of filler (although Maggie’s getting a bit more actual plot now that CPD’s been revealed to be a demon). She also is the top-billed one, which is odd because I don’t think any of these actresses have ever been in anything before. However, as mentioned previously, Mel’s actress is the only actual Latina one, so maybe that’s why.

Anyway! I think the ending of this episode is proof that I’m the real witch. I managed to kill Friendzone with my words alone. Maybe my sister and I will turn out to have a secret third sister, and then we’ll be the true Charmed Ones, destined to bring these pretenders down in a maelstrom. I can dream!

Hello and welcome to another mind-bleaching episode of Woke Charmed! My sister joined me for this recap which always helps get me through this insipidity, so let’s just jump right into it!

Our story begins in a hipster wine shop. Yet another generic white guy with a beard is selling Mark Zuckerberg’s wife and her boyfriend a wine that pairs well with a heavy red sauce and a garlicky bruschetta. As the couple leave with their fine purchase, the generic bearded white guy pauses to sample some of his own wares when suddenly the lights go out. Generic bearded white guy hears a sound in the back of the shop. When he goes to investigate, a shadowy figure approaches him. Oh, wait, it isn’t a shadowy figure—it’s a figure that’s actually a shadow. The shadow picks up the white guy and hurls him into a table laden with wine bottles, which smash with a satisfying smash noise. As the white guy writhes in pain, the shadow approaches him and… PULLS OUT HIS KIDNEY! WHAT?

His kidney is all glowing and shit. It looks like a red-hot poker, or perhaps a freshly forged horseshoe pulled from the blacksmith’s fire. (“Ferrier,” my sister corrects me.) Why does this generic white guy have a magical kidney?

I guess we’re not going to find out right now, because the title card flashes and the scene switches to Connerparkerdude knocking on Maggie’s back door. She comes prancing out in a skin-tight, cleavage-bearing minidress at 2:00 in the afternoon, you know. As you do. She demands to know what Connerparkerdude is doing here. He tells her that he can’t stay away from her. “That smile… gets me every time.” To quote Belinda Carlisle, gag me with a spoon.

Connerparkerdude informs Maggie that Regina George has a new boyfriend now, so what’s to stop them? He wants to take her on a proper date. He tells her that he has tickets to Beyoncé. At this, my sister and I looked at each other and said, “Did he just say he has tickets to Beyoncé? Why would a guy have…?” and we had to pause it and rewind it and try to figure out how to turn on subtitles on Roku. Sure enough, he said he had tickets to Beyoncé. This WTF-ery became clear when the camera panned to Maggie, grinning in amazement, and turned back to find Connerparkerdude shirtless and holding a kitten.

AHHH. It’s a dream. You clever writers, so original.

The dream is interrupted by Mel banging on Maggie’s door. Macy wants to get to work early today, and Hilltowne, which appears to be approximately two square miles in size and comprises only the college, some neighborhoods and the police station, is apparently too large for them to just walk to, so they’re carpooling, which means that Maggie has to stop using Harry’s training orb for masturbatory fantasies.

Excuse me, what?

Yes, it turns out that she wasn’t just dreaming, she was projecting a fantasy using that thing that Harry used to create a mini dimension for them to train in way back in episode two. Eww. Mel asks her why she’s so interested in a philandering frat boy. I guess her whole “I was wrong about the Greek system” epiphany from last episode couldn’t be expected to last. Also, Connerparkerdude is a frat boy? I guess it makes sense since he was dating Regina George, but idk, in my experience, frat boys were… honestly, Animal House wasn’t that far off. I can’t see some hipster douchebag who quotes classic literature making it through initiation without getting paddled to death. Although maybe he could make it in one of the gay fraternities. After all, my favorite frat story will always be the one about the Sig Eps all sticking it in each other’s butts until they formed a conga line.

Maggie points out that he’s only philandering because she kissed him, and more importantly, when are we going to tell Macy about how we traveled back in time and overheard pregnant Mom talking about there being something wrong with the baby? That was a perfectly logical sentence progression and definitely not just the writers using bad dialogue for exposition. Mel reminds Maggie that Macy is already worried enough about what the psychic said, you know, about Macy having hidden darkness. Probably best not to worry her more.

Meanwhile, in the other room, Macy puts the pentagram pillar key around her neck, looking in the mirror to admire herself before reciting Bloody Mary three times. Definitely no darkness to worry about here!

From downstairs, Harry summons the girls to breakfast. Wait a minute—didn’t he move out?? He had suitcases! He said he was going back to the condo! Yeah, they initiated him into the shower pouf sisterhood, but no one said, “Harry, don’t go.” So why is he…? Never mind, it’s not important. All that matters is that he made them all bacon butties for breakfast, because British.

As they all stare at his quaint foreign food with great trepidation, Harry asks them if any of them noticed any strange seismic activity last night. Macy points out that earthquakes in Michigan would be very un-Scientific, but Maggie interrupts that yes, she noticed a tremor in the night when she got up to pee. Thanks for that visual, Mags! Harry’s fears are confirmed. Not about the peeing thing, but about the earth shaking thing. It was… A HELLQUAKE! Nothing to worry about, though. More importantly, where’s his orb? Maggie hands it back over. Harry looks like he wants to drown it and himself in hand sanitizer when he finds out what she’s been doing with it.

Mel says that instead of masturbating to Harry’s orb 24/7, Maggie should be registering for classes for next semester. Maggie says she’s considering dropping out of school. I think that would be a great, economically responsible decision. Mel is HORRIFIED. College is a really important time to figure out what you love to do, after all. Maggie asks if bartending is what Mel loves to do. Apparently the secretary job (gasp) fell through, so now Mel is working at the bar that didn’t exist until last week.

Now we all throw our heads back and laugh!

Macy commiserates that jobs in academia are hard to come by. Now that the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys has bought out the Generic Science Lab, apparently Dr. Kevorkian’s been fired (is that what we’re calling it nowadays?) and Macy is concerned she may be the next one on the chopping block. Considering that last week Dr. Kevorkian was stabbed in the neck and nobody even knows he’s dead, a literal chopping block wouldn’t be an unfounded fear.

Her fears do turn out to be unfounded, though; when she gets to the lab and meets her new boss, Mrs. I’m-Assuming-She’s-A-Demon Walton, it turns out she’s actually been promoted! Macy is getting Dr. Kevorkian’s old job, but it comes with a catch—Wal-Science is facing budget cuts as part of its restructuring, and that means someone’s gotta go. And we all know who: FRIENDZONE! He’s too expensive and he’s not important. Mrs. Walton gives Macy the job of firing him. When Macy protests that he’s her friend (IYKWIMAITYD), Mrs. Walton explains that she’s thinking like a vagina, and if she wants to succeed in the world of business, she needs to think like a penis. Penises fire each other all the time and then go out and play golf afterwards! So fire that Friendzone, dammit.

Over on campus, Maggie is being stalked by Connerparkerdude. He says he hasn’t seen her in World Lit since the Incident. So lmao she asked her teacher for a midterm extension and then just completely stopped going to class? Girl, it’s time to drop out.

Connerparkerdude asks Maggie if she saw the group text from Regina George. It turns out that she’s dating the Old Spice Guy now! Having traded up, she texted Maggie and Connerparkerdude with her blessing.

He then proceeds to ask her out using the same dialogue as from her creepy orb fantasy. “That smile… gets me every time.” Isn’t this an episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch? She somehow managed to make reality play out like her fantasy? He does not have Beyoncé tickets, though. Maggie requests that they go somewhere quiet and low-key for their date. He suggests he pick her up after her shift at the restaurant/café/whatever tomorrow. She gets off at two, right? Maggie asks how he knows that. The audience screams, “BECAUSE HE’S STALKING YOU.”

Over at the bar, Mel’s new place of employ, she is working on her graduate thesis: “The Future of Intersectional Feminism: Where do we go from here?” (Real Dialogue Alert: Okay, it wasn’t spoken, but those were really the words she typed.) As she mulls over her own genius, she is approached by a woman of whom, if I saw her on the street, I would cross the street to steer clear and with whom I would go out of my way to avoid eye contact. She looks like she would fuck you up and then take a leak on your maimed body as you bleed out. You know, like a good 2/3 of the vagrants in Portland.

Okay, I’m going to be honest with you guys. I already forgot that Mel is a lesbian. So when this hobo starts hitting on her, I’m like, “Whoa now.” And then Mel reciprocates and I find myself screaming, “Why? Why? Why did we have to write Niko out of this show? Look at this woman! Look at her! She looks like she smells of patchouli and cat pee! Niko was cute! Niko was pretty! Niko was easy on the eyes! Are you going to make me look at this escapee from Portlandia for the next umpteen weeks? Isn’t it bad enough that I have to look at the clone of Chelsea’s ugly boyfriend from Days of Our Lives? Am I going to have to see the person who spit on my shoes for not giving her a quarter in Pioneer Square, Seattle naked?”

Mel is so delighted by this bag lady flirting with her that she excitedly Facetimes Maggie. Her sister doesn’t have time for this exciting news, however. She’s too busy thinking about dropping out of college. This news is enough to knock all the hobo-flirt endorphins right out of Mel’s system. You can’t drop out of college, what do you mean by “I don’t know if I should waste all this time and money if I don’t know what I want to do,” that’s quitter talk and my mama didn’t raise no—

A knock at the door spares Maggie from this. She hangs up on Mel, goes to open the door, and the KIDNEY-LESS WHITE GUY collapses into her arms! “Charmed One, please, help me,” he begs before keeling over onto the floor.

Commercial time! WHAT? You’ve never played Tuber Simulator?! Pfffssssshhhhhh—

Commercial over! Somehow Mel and Macy, without Harry’s instant travel powers, make it back to the house before the kidney-less wonder regains consciousness, and the four of them manage with great effort to carry the unconscious guy to the couch. Why Macy doesn’t just levitate him is beyond me. Maggie comments that he smells like a wet dog. Mel doesn’t notice the smell—she obviously doesn’t have a sense of smell, since she found patchouli hobo attractive—but she DOES notice that he’s wearing shoes, which are not allowed on the couch. She pulls the unconscious dude’s shoes off and Dear Lord He Has Goat Hooves.

He’s a satyr! Apparently we’re doing all of that on this show. Witches, demons, banshees, creatures from Greek mythology, WE’VE GOT IT ALL. This show is still relevant, goddammit.

Harry uses his Whitelighter powers to heal the satyr’s missing kidney, just like in Star Trek IV. The goat man jolts awake and starts immediately fawning (or should that be fauning? ??) over the Charmed Ones. Harry starts to introduce himself as the one who, you know, healed his kidney. The satyr dismisses him out of hand, because penis.

The satyr informs them that he was a guardian of one of the shards of the Scythe of Tartarus. When Macy, who apparently doesn’t know everything after all, asks what that is, the satyr does this:

My sister: “If this is supposed to be Greek, why did he give them all flower crowns instead of laurel wreaths?”
Me: “Because they really enjoy emasculating Harry, okay?”

The satyr informs them that blah blah Greek mythology, you all know what Tartarus is, right? So apparently there’s a scythe you can use to get into it, but Zeus broke it into three pieces and entrusted it to three sentinels. The shadow demon figured out who the sentinels were—MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, THEY WERE ALL IN HILLTOWNE, MICHIGAN—and is trying to collect the pieces of the scythe so he can get into Tartarus and break the Even Worse Than The Ones We’ve Met Before, Yes Even Including The Harbinger demons out.

In order to locate the pieces and then bind them together, a beacon is needed. When the beacon is activated, it causes the pieces to start attempting to draw together. The beacon has likely been activated already, which is how the shadow demon is able to trace the sentinels of the shards. This all seems so very anime.

Over at the Waltons’ Epigenetic Demon Headquarters, the Head Walton is admiring one of the shards of the scythe. Big surprise there. “One down, two to go,” he says to the shadow demon. He also exposits to the shadow that the reason he wants to get into Tartarus is because he can’t get the goddamn paint can with the Harbinger inside it to open. He’s tried every spell and incantation—“Get it? In-CAN-tation?” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was real dialogue)—to no avail. He’s assuming someone in Tartarus will probably know how, and if not, eh, no skin off his nose. With nary a chuckle at Walton’s amazing pun, shadow demon shuffles silently away.

Back at the house, Harry is wearing sunglasses indoors and has passed out on top of a working blender. It took a few minutes, but by putting our heads together, my sister and I finally figured out that the hipster wine shop-owning satyr drank them all (except Maggie the soror whore) under the table last night and they’re all hungover. This show is great at beating you over the head with some things and leaving others completely vague and unclear. They formulate a strategy for stopping the demon. Without the beacon, they can’t trace the other two sentinels, but they might be able to trace the demon itself. Harry gives a sample of demon DNA from satyr’s wound to Macy to analyze. Mel says she’ll comb the Book of Shadows for information about shadow demons, and Maggie the Uncanny Millennial sets up a Google alert on her phone for any reported blackouts in the area.

Then she heads off to her date with Connerparkerdude, who says, quote, “I didn’t think it was possible to get this excited about broccoli.”

?

??

???

Who is this guy?! WHY must we be subjected to this bland, uninteresting hipster douchebag just because Maggie needs a mouth to stick her tongue into? Maggie is like, “It’s so sweet that you knew I’m vegan.” I’m like, 1. You are? 2. HE IS STALKING YOU

Maggie and Connerparkerdude bond over their conscientious abstention from animal byproducts (so I’m guessing those boots you’re wearing are faux leather, Maggie?) and their terrible fathers. Maggie’s father was, of course, absent from her life. Connerparkerdude’s, as previously mentioned, was the sort of person who made his children read classic works of literature and discuss them at the dinner table—which was always laid out with a white tablecloth and three varieties of forks. Ye gods, no wonder these two are so insufferable.

They start making out, and Maggie overhears him thinking, I can’t let her find out the truth.

My sister: “Oooh! Deep, dark secret? Maybe he’s a demon!”
Me: “…”
Her: “…”
Both of us: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Maggie calls Macy to wail about whatever Connerparkerdude’s hiding from her. Macy tells her not to worry. Maggie is like, “But what if it’s a deep, dark secret?” Macy, in a definitely not defensive way, reminds her that having a dark thought doesn’t make someone a dark person; maybe his secret is just something that’s difficult for him to talk about, but not a bad thing. But she doesn’t have time for that right now—she has to fire Friendzone.

Or that’s the plan, anyway. Friendzone spends the entire conversation subtly pointing out how indispensible to the Generic Science Lab he is. He also says, and I quote: “Gregorian was a dick, Thaine was a straight-up sexual predator. I’m all for having some badass ladies taking over and righting the ship. It’s about damn time.”

People are all calling Kevorkian a dick even though the dude got stabbed in the neck last episode. RIP, Kevorkian, lying somewhere in a shallow, unmarked grave.

Meanwhile, Maggie drops in on the frat house where Connerparkerdude lives bearing a bottle of wine from the satyr, as you do. She is referred by one of the brothers to his bedroom. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. Maggie heads up to his room and knocks, only to find the door unlatched. She pushes it open and sees Connerparkerdude… injecting something into his left arm! DUN DUN DUNNNNN

First of all, I couldn’t even see what he was doing until we rewound it three times. Secondly, he had his arm kind of splayed across his stomach, so my sister thought he was injecting something into his stomach, so we were both assuming he was injecting insulin. Diabetic, huh? There’s some deep, dark secret, if you’re a member of the Baby-Sitters’ Club. But of course Maggie thinks he’s shooting up and runs away weeping.

Back at the house, Mel is not working on her graduate thesis. She calls Harry to tell him she found a shadow demon banishing spell. Harry says great work, how’s your thesis coming? Mel says she needs another extension. Harry tells her the university told him he couldn’t give her another one. I don’t understand this whole subplot about him being the head of the women’s studies department. Harry recommends she use her powers to freeze time while she works on her thesis, speculating that since it wouldn’t be the most exciting personal gain in the world, the karmic aftereffects would probably be pretty mild. So wait, did we ever establish whether Mel’s powers freeze the whole world or just a small radius? Regardless, she tells Harry and her thesis to get bent.

Mel isn’t in the mood to write 50,000 words on the topic of intersectional feminism? What is this show coming to?!

Just then, Mel’s phone dings, saving her from this riveting conversation. There’s been a power outage at the Hilltowne Fertility Clinic, which this town is apparently big enough to have. The shadow demon attacks some broad and grabs her piece of the Scythe, which triggers another hellquake. He escapes with the shard just as the sisters and Harry rush in. They hurry to the aid of the broad.

After getting the lights back on and apprising her of the situation, the broad admits that she suspected something like this was going to happen, as she’d noticed her Scythe piece vibrating repeatedly over the last week, like it was calling out to the other pieces. Maggie asks the broad if she’s a satyr; the broad huffily replies that exCUSE you, she is Tawaret, ancient Egyptian goddess of fertility and childbirth. Apparently this is also a thing we’re doing. The sisters awkwardly genuflect at her, which isn’t weird or anything.

Back at the house, Macy speculates that maybe the reason the shards are reaching out to each other is because they’re magnetic, like a lodestone. Science! Their discussion is interrupted by a fuckton of bees trying to break into the house. Harry informs the sisters that he’s entomophobic and proceeds to squeal and cower like a little girl. Macy, remaining cool, calm, and collected, explains that bees navigate with a form of magnetic resonance, and that the fact that they’re trying to get into the house indicates that… THE LAST SHARD IS SOMEWHERE INSIDE!

Now, what would the shard be doing inside their house? Mel wonders if it’s because their mom was a sentinel. Macy wonders if maybe their mom used the scythe to bust a demon out of Tartarus. (MACY’S DAD PLEASE MACY’S DAD.) Maggie wonders why it couldn’t have been the fun kind of Beyhive trying to break into their house. (Real Dialogue Alert.) Harry is too busy screaming about the bees to be much help in anything. Macy decides to open the doors and let the bees in to find the shard for them. The bees lead them to the attic, where they start swarming around a hatch in the ceiling. Macy uses her powers to open the hatch and bring down a box that has the last shard inside. The bees conveniently go away. They open the box, and another hellquake erupts.

Once the hellquake passes, Mel notices that there’s some kind of dancing going on under Macy’s shirt. She assumes that it’s because there’s a bee in Macy’s shirt, but SURPRISE! Magnetically, the key Macy found at the end of the last episode and has been wearing under her shirt pops out and goes sailing into the butt end of the scythe shard.

The sisters compare notes about the whole “Key to your past”/“Ibi”/“There’s something wrong with the baby” thing. They realize their mom’s key is the beacon, and Macy putting it on is what made the shards start vibrating at each other. Whoopsie. But the girls don’t have time for much more than a brief “we need to not keep secrets from each other” lecture before they realize that they need to brace for the shadow demon, who will undoubtedly be arriving to claim the last shard at any moment. They prepare the spell that Mel found in the Book of Shadows, which will banish the demon with light. Hipster music wails as they prep the spell in slow-mo. Mel says a Latin incantation with a Spanish accent. Etcetera, etcetera.

The demon shows up, knocking out the power to the house, but because of their prep work, eight billion candles are lit that the demon can’t extinguish. As the demon enters the attic, they cast the spell to bind it. But before they can finish it, the demon materializes the two other shards, one in each hand. They pulse and begin drawing toward the last shard, which the girls had placed back in the box that came out of the ceiling hatch. The box opens, but Maggie dives over the shard, pinning it under her body before the demon can grab it.

The demon dives on top of Maggie, and when they connect, the two of them are able to phase through the floor into the room below. They land on the bed in a romantic tangle, and my sister says, “I ship her with this shadow demon more than Connerparkerdude.” Maggie wrestles the shard away from him and runs out into the hallway. The demon pursues her, brandishing the two Scythe shards, which draw Maggie back towards him. She keeps her grip on her shard and the demon loses his, causing the fragments to fly together, reconnecting and forming the goddamn Moon Stick from Sailor Moon. I told you this was an anime!

The shadow demon lunges for Maggie once more. This time when they connect, she is able to read the demon’s thoughts. She realizes the demon is in pain, and asks him why he’s trying to get the shards. The demon doesn’t answer her, merely staring silently. I mean, the thing’s a shadow—why do people keep expecting it to talk?

Taking advantage of the demon’s distraction, Macy uses her powers to rip the Scythe away from him and bring it into Mel’s hand. Before Mel can react, though, she’s struck by lightning. She drops the Scythe, and it falls over the landing down to the entryway below… where’s it’s caught by none other than the patchouli hobo from the bar!

She and Mel lock eyes, and then she apparates out in the exact same way that Harry does, only with added lightning effects. With the scythe gone, the shadow demon also flees.

With the power back on, the girls and Harry regroup. Mel tells them that she saw that woman before. Macy asks if she’s a demon—Harry says that the fact that she stole the Scythe would indicate so, but her teleportation spell was the same as a Whitelighter’s. Macy asks if she could be a rogue Whitelighter; Harry admits that he’s not sure. He wouldn’t think a Whitelighter would go rogue, but he has to consult the Elders to be sure.

Maggie mentions the fact that she was able to sense the demon’s feelings, and takes it as a sign that her powers are escalating. She wonders how it’s possible that she could read a demon’s mind; Harry speculates that, like with Angela Wu, the demon may still have some shred of humanity left inside it. Maggie decides that her new career goal is to become a demon psychiatrist.

During this exchange, Mel is nursing her shoulder, which was struck by the patchouli hobo. Harry asks to look at it so that he can heal it; she pulls her sleeve aside and reveals that her shoulder is now covered in Lichtenberg figures, like the ones that were on her mother’s body as well as the bodies of the other dead Elders.

All riiiight! The bag lady is the one who’s been killing all the witches! This just gets better and better.

Mel asks Harry not to heal her shoulder, because the mark is like a physical connection to her mother. Macy whines about how her only connection to their mother is her internal evil. She also whines again about how her mom “gave her up.” ExCUSE me, why has no one mentioned Macy’s father since the first episode? Why is no one wondering who this dude is/was??? They have never once said that Macy was adopted, they said that she was raised by a single father who lied and said her mother was dead. Why am I the only person who remembers this? Shouldn’t Macy remember, you know, her own life?

Harry tells Macy that everyone has the capacity for darkness, but it’s your actions, not your nature, which define you. Macy takes this to heart and heads to the Walton Family Generic Science Lab, where she tells Mrs. Walton that she refuses to fire Friendzone: he’s too important to the lab. She says that it’s the way of the penis to lay people off, but, being a vagina, she tells Mrs. Walton she believes she knows of another way. Mrs. Walton says that if she can find a way to save the lab $40K, then girl power. Macy agrees and proceeds to head out to fire this guy instead.

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Back at the house, Maggie gleefully informs Mel that she has signed up for her courses for next semester. She’s decided that she’s going to study psychology in order to pursue her new dream career of being a demon psychiatrist. Mel congratulates her and tells her that she’s made a decision of her own: she is going to drop out of grad school. Apparently her dreams of becoming a renowned women’s studies professor have begun to fade. She realizes that she was only doing it to follow in their mother’s footsteps, but now that she’s been horribly disfigured, she has a new connection to her.

But what about the articles in Critical Inquiry that make men feel as though their penises have been torn from their bodies?

This scintillating discussion is interrupted by Connerparkerdude, who has come to tell Maggie his deep, dark secret. He reveals that what she saw him injecting wasn’t drugs. It was “medicine” (but not insulin). You see, he has a “rare congenital autoimmune disease” (but not diabetes). It’s degenerative, and he’s slowly dying. He’ll be lucky to reach forty.

My sister: “So what is this ‘medicine’?”
Me: “Stem cells.”
My sister: “What, just liquid stem cells?”
Me: “Yes.”

Connerparkerdude admits that he hasn’t told anyone about this, not his frat brothers or even Regina George. He always felt like if people knew he was dying (albeit slowly), it would make people treat him differently or be a drag on the frat brothers’ good times. Maggie promises to keep his secret, and they stick their tongues in each other’s mouths. I sigh at the utter banality of this “deep, dark” secret.

Later, at the Walton Headquarters, Epigenetic Demon Guy is not pleased with the shadow demon. Where is the Scythe of Tartarus, goddammit?

The shadow demon steps forward to answer, and

OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDDDD FUCK YES HE’S THE DEMON FUCK YES FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Connerparkerdemon says, “Sorry, Dad”—insert more screams of delight from the cheap seats—“it got away from me.” He explains about the patchouli hobo, whom he believes to be a lightning demon. His father mocks him for being bested by a piddly little lightning demon.

In true Thanos fashion, he pits Connerparkerdemon against his brother, FBI Agent Demon Guy. “Never send a half-demon to do a full demon’s job,” he sneers. Ah! So Connerparkerdemon is a HALF-demon! No wonder earlier when he and Maggie were having their banal chit-chat, he told Maggie that his father always said his marriage to his mother was the biggest mistake of his life.

Dear God, please may Maggie and Connerparkerdemon not be siblings. Please may this not be Shadowhunters redux…

Demon Dad tells Connerparkerdemon that he’ll look for another way to open the paint can, but in the meantime, he needs him to use Maggie a little longer. Connerparkerdemon pleads that Demon Dad promised once the Scythe assignment was over, he wouldn’t make him do any other demonic errands. Demon Dad taunts him some more for being a whiny little bitch, and demands to know what Maggie’s power is. Connerparkerdemon tells him she’s an empath. Demon Dad is pleased, stating that this is something they can use. The episode ends with him sneering, “Don’t fail me again, son,” as Connerparkerdemon looks all emo-ly into the camera.

?????????? good shit go౦ԁ sHit? thats ✔ some good??shit right??there??? right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self ? i say so ? thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ? ?? ?НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ? ?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??Good shit

Overall thoughts: Finally this show gets goddamn interesting. I’m telling you what, I had no clue what was going on for most of this episode because, with the exception of the slow-mo montage of them setting up the spell to wailing hipster music, it was breakneck fast. Even with subtitles on I had to watch it twice before I caught everything they said. But the two reveals of the homeless Seattle bag lady being an evil Whitelighter (?!) and then Connerparkerdude being Connerparkerdemon was like sweet, sweet candy. I’m actually unironically excited to see where this goes, until it inevitably lets me down. And then we can laugh at the fallout!

Spoiler alert: I watched the next episode already. The wokeness finally returns next week!

We begin with Mel drinking alone in her bed. Her sisters come in and tell her she can’t keep hiding out and sulking, she needs to go face the world. I would like to remind them that due to her fucking with the fabric of time and space, Mel now no longer has a job, so what reason is there, really, for her to get out and face the world? Perhaps hunting for a new job, but lol, of course they don’t suggest that. They just want her to be social, because I guess the house they inherited from their hippie mother was mortgage-free, and no one’s taken capital gains tax or property tax or utilities or groceries or anything like that into consideration.

Mel drunkenly slurs that she hasn’t just been self-medicating and wallowing in self-pity; she’s been doing research, goddammit. She’s found a lead on the marks that were found on their mother’s and the other dead Elders’ bodies. They’re called Lichtenberg figures. Macy, being a Scientist, has heard of these. They’re associated with high-voltage electricity and are found on people or places that have been struck by lightning.

Mel found 893 demons in the Book of Shadows associated with electricity and/or lightning, which makes it difficult to narrow down Whodunit. Is that what we’re doing now? Is this some sort of magical crime procedural, and we’re looking for demonic suspects? I don’t understand how the logic on this show works.

Anyway, we don’t have time to worry about stuff like that. What we need is a good old-fashioned girls’ night out. Because Mel hasn’t been doing enough drinking. So Macy and Maggie drag her out of bed and haul her off to the thematically-named Haunt, a Halloween-themed bar that they’ve apparently been going to all this time but this is the first time we’ve heard of it. Maggie toasts her sisters, calling them bitches. Mel finds this offensive from a feminist perspective, but Maggie is like, “No, it’s code! Since I can’t say the W-word.”

Wamen?

Harry (who’s suddenly there—wasn’t this supposed to be a girls’ night?) comments that he will miss their inane chatter once the Elders deem that it’s time for him to move out of their house. Mel asks if this will be soon, since they have the Book of Shadows back now. Why…?

Why am I even asking why?

Maggie takes the opportunity to pout about how it’s Initiation Week, and if she hadn’t gotten kicked out of Kappa, she’d have been a full-fledged sister soon. Mel takes the opportunity to remind her that Greek life is toxic. I take the opportunity to remind you all that Maggie’s supposed to be a freshman and here she is in yet another bar drinking alcoholic beverages with her sisters (and Harry). Macy takes the opportunity to remind the viewers that also, Friendzone was marked by a demon and she can’t find the mark in the Book of Shadows. Harry takes the opportunity to warn her that there have been several recent instances of humans being marked by demons as “part of a seemingly larger plan.”

Okay.

Now that we’re done reminding everybody about what happened last episode, the waitress comes by with the check and Mel, whose shirt is inside out because so great is her depression, asks someone to pay for her because being jobless also means she’s money-less, the first acknowledgment of money this show has made. Harry tells her that he learned about an opening in the administrative department at the university and that he pulled some strings and got her an interview. Mel groans about this being a glorified secretarial job and it’s so sexist that she as a waman is expected to fill such a stereotypically “traditionally female” job. Everyone tells her she needs a job/to get out of the house and to shut the fuck up.

While she grumbles that she’ll go to the interview but that doesn’t mean she’ll deign to take the job, Regina George and the other Plastics strut in and give Maggie the bitch stare. Maggie decides to bring them a pitcher of skinny mojitos as a peace offering. Regina George dumps it out over Maggie’s head. Mel freezes time before the liquid makes contact with Maggie, though. Maggie tells her to let her take her punishment like a good little bitch. Macy intervenes by moving the pitcher slightly so that when time unfreezes, it looks like Regina just missed, and the booze dumps out all over Maggie’s boots instead of her head. Regina says “I meant to do that” and does this really weird thing where she makes the OK gesture, but with both hands in front of her face like a Junior Birdman or something.

After the sisters leave, Gretchen admonishes Regina that she is forgetting the Kappa motto: WWGPD? Regina responds that even Gwyneth Paltrow has her limits.

Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.

Karen tells Regina that her vibe has seemed way off recently, and that she needs to find her zen, stat (Real Dialogue Alert). Regina takes this advice to heart, returning to the house and searching through a storage closet through the 80,000 ritual candles for something scented and calming. She needs some damn serenity. (RDA) Near the back of the shelf, she encounters an ornate blue ceramic candlestick, which she takes to… the Buddhist temple in the basement of the Kappa house? What the fuck is this? There’s like a mosaic tile fountain in the background and palm trees and dildo candelabras and shit.

Anyway, she lights the weird candle, sits down in the lotus position, and then the greatest scene of the entire series ensues, as the peaceful flute music playing in the background is interrupted by her taking out her AirPods, looking up at the ceiling from which loud voices and thrumming bass can be heard, and screeching, “KEEP IT DOWN, BETCHES, I’M GETTING MY ZEN ON IN HERE!”

She settles back in for a good, peaceful omm, and the lights flicker. A ghostly specter emerges from the candle, flying around Regina in circles before soaring out of the room and flying all over the house, knocking over knickknacks and causing general mayhem before settling into the TV. Ah, so now the Kappa house is possessed, excellent.

Over at the Generic Science Lab, a crew of Walmart employees is moving in a bunch of boxes as Macy comes in the door. She’s approached by an aging bald white man named Dr. Kevorkian or Dr. Gregorian or something like that, who hands her a clipboard with a waiver for a blood test mandated by the new sponsors of the lab, the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys. Purportedly this is a drug test, but since Epigenetic Demon Guy said last episode he wanted Charmed One DNA samples, we know better than that.

Across the lab, Friendzone is speaking to one of the Walmart employees. As they talk, he lifts up his shirt to scratch his side. Macy sees that the not-succubus mark on him is glowing and getting brighter. She texts Harry, who tells her that she needs to stick close to Friendzone and watch out for demonic activity. Thus, she invites herself to his birthday party. Friendzone tries to explain to Macy the concept of “you’re not invited, though.” She tells him she’ll bake something for the occasion.

Over at the Kappa house, the doorbell rings. Regina George answers it to find Maggie standing there wearing whatever the fuck this is:

Regina tries to explain to Maggie the concept of “I don’t ever want to see you again.” Maggie, like a true stalkery ex-girlfriend, tells Regina that she’s never going to give up. Through the television screen, I try to explain to Regina the concept of a Persona Non Grata form, and how campus police can be summoned if she tries to break it. Before I can finish my sentence, Go-Go’s-era Belinda Carlisle appears behind Regina’s shoulder tells Maggie she needs to leave. Instead of acknowledging that she’s not wanted here, Maggie drags Belinda’s 80s Chic fashion sense, almost as if she hasn’t seen herself in the mirror today, and demands to know who she is. Regina reminds Maggie that Belinda is a Kappa sister—a very important one. Well, obviously. If she’s ever been in a grocery store, she’s heard Belinda’s dulcet tones over the loudspeaker. Does she or does she not remember that heaven is a place on Earth?

But Maggie has never seen Belinda before! Dun dun dunnnnn

With Maggie neatly disposed of, Belinda leads Regina into the TV room, asking her if she’s psyched for Hell Week. You know, all this stuff that the sorority on this show does is fraternity stuff, by the way. Good fucking luck hazing your pledges with National Panhellenic Conference looming over your shoulders. But regardless, HELL WEEK PUNS! Regina is like, “YASSS KWEEN!” (Real Dialogue Alert.) She goes to high-five Belinda, who fritzes out like a bad VHS recording, but Regina doesn’t notice.

Wait, you guys don’t think Belinda Carlisle is a demon, do you?

Back at the sisters’ house, Maggie is laptop surfing instead of helping Mel pick out an outfit for her secretary (ugh) interview. When Mel calls her out on it, Maggie tells her that she thinks something is up at Kappa.

Mel: “Agreed. They’re internalizing the patriarchy, for starters.” (Real Dialogue Alert)

Maggie explains that Belinda can’t be a real Kappa sister, because during her first week as a pledge she had to memorize the names of all the active sisters (+ their majors + favorite order at Starbucks) and she wasn’t one. But no worries, after 30 seconds of searching with only a first name to go on, she finds a newspaper scan revealing that Belinda was a freshman who died after drinking too many wine coolers and falling off the roof of the Kappa house back in 1989.

Belinda is a ghost?! What?! Wouldn’t have guessed that! Dun dun dunnnnnnn

Harry warns them that ghosts can be more dangerous than demons. (Which reminds me, Harry, what about you??) Mel and Maggie head off to go consult Magical Siri about the ghost, which should take about 30 seconds considering this show’s track record. While they handle that, Harry offers to escort Macy to Friendzone’s party in an attempt to make it less awkward. Yeah, that will work.

As predicted, Mel and Maggie find the spell they need instantly. In order to exorcise the ghost, they have to find the moment from her life that’s keeping her tied to this world. They perform the spell, which sends them back in time to the Hilltowne University of 1989, which looks a little something like this:

But it’s not all bad, there’s also this:

Mel is extremely triggered by this display, by the way. It’s an “Aerobics for Alzheimer’s” charity. Maggie comments that the campus now holds a “Pilates for Poverty” charity that’s the same idea. Mel rages that it’s a farce of a fundraiser designed specifically for the male gaze, so creepy frat guys can ogle them. Maggie says it’s not like that now. Mel gives her a “Bitch, please” face. I guess Mel has forgotten that she’s a lesbian and thus this display is also for her benefit.

Across the quad, Maggie spots Belinda and hurries over to find her in the midst of an argument with 1989’s Regina George. 1989!Regina tells Belinda that she’s no longer a pledge of Kappa, something she thought she made very clear on her answering machine, okay? (RDA) Kappas combine the class of Princess Di with the sass of Duchess Fergie, and Belinda SO does not. (RDA) Belinda says she thought that was a pledge prank. 1989!Regina tells her she’d never be so cruel to a pledge, but Belinda’s not one anymore, so it’s okay. When Belinda blinks at her, 1989!Regina explains, “Brenda, you’re bugging, and it’s skeeving the whole chapter out.” (RDA) I think that clears everything right up.

This interesting excursion into the darkest corners of 80s slang is interrupted when Maggie and Mel spot Dead Hippie Mom, now currently not dead and, in fact, just about to pop with Macy, sitting on a bench across the quad beside the living Portrait of Señora de Urcola in a Black Mantilla. Dead Hippie Mom is telling the Señora about a recent checkup she had, in which the obstetrician assured her that everything was fine, but the obstetrician doesn’t know, you know? The Señora assures her that it doesn’t matter that she’s a witch (so I guess the Señora is also one), she just has first-time mom jitters. No, Dead Hippie Mom responds; remember, she’s not just a witch, but a witch who can see the future. And she has an unshakable feeling that there’s something wrong—really wrong—with the baby.

Dun dun duuuuu—

As Maggie and Mel stare slack-jawed at their mother, Belinda runs away from 1989!Regina George, passing through them with that same VCR-glitch effect, and the sisters are sent back to the future. Whoopsie! By getting distracted by their mom, they missed out on the rest of the conversation that was supposed to tell them what was keeping Belinda trapped here on Earth. Unless, you know, it really was the whole “bugging and skeeving” thing.

But it’s okay, because Maggie turns the page in the Book of Shadows, and since on the next page it talks about banshees, she decides that this means Belinda is a banshee. I’m sorry, what is your evidence for this? Have you heard her screaming and wailing to wake the dead? Has her appearance heralded the death of someone else? Has her screaming and wailing caused someone to die? Has she, with one crook of her bony finger, summoned the Cóiste Bodhar? The only thing we possibly have to go on is that the real Belinda Carlisle is a singer, and guess what, that’s just my code name for her! This bitch is actually named Brenda Mancini, so so much for that.

Mel thinks it would be just desserts if they didn’t banish the Belinda Banshee, because, being a feminist who supports other wamen, she thinks the Kappas deserve to be punished for not conforming to her ideals of wamenhood. Maggie ignores her, snapping a picture of the banishing spell on her phone like the uncanny millennial that she is, and they head off to save the day.

Meanwhile, Macy and Harry have arrived at Friendzone’s party. Harry is literally dressed like Harry Potter. Since Macy burned her pie earlier, Harry has come bearing Welsh rarebit. This elicits all sorts of jokes of the high caliber you’ve come to expect from this show. But never fear! Friendzone’s Practically Perfect in Every Way new girlfriend, Summer, runs over squealing, “Welsh rarebit? I practically lived on the stuff during my semester abroad at Cambridge!”

Jesus CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST

Summer gushes to Macy that Harry is a keeper. Harry and Macy awkwardly stammer that they’re friends! Just friends! Just friends, I swear. Just friends. As Summer backs slowly away from them, Macy asks Harry if he thinks that went well. Harry responds, “I wouldn’t know. I’m British, awkward is kind of our thing.”

Real Dialogue Alert: That was—

Across the room, Friendzone is changing a lightbulb (?), conveniently making his shirt go up. Macy points out the demon mark, but Harry can’t see it, just like Maggie couldn’t last episode. Before he can comment further on this, Summer darts into the frame, glaring at Macy for staring at Her Man. Are we still sure she’s not a succubus?

Later, Macy is admiring all the photos of Friendzone that Summer assembled for the party. In one of them, he’s hugging his grandma, who is wearing a cowrie shell necklace. Macy realizes that the mark she’s seeing on Friendzone looks like a stylized cowrie shell. Friendzone comes over, sees her looking at the picture, and takes the opportunity to brag about his marginalized backgrounds: Haitian, Dominican, Puerto Rican, you name an island in the Caribbean Sea and he’s got a relative from there. And also pirates. Arrrrr—

Summer interrupts this fascinating discussion, sending Friendzone off to deal with yet another maintenance issue (what kind of dump did he rent for this party, anyway?) and telling Macy to Back the Fuck Off Her Man. Macy starts whimpering and tells Harry she wants to leave. Harry protests that they’re about to start karaoke, but one death glare from Macy puts the wayward Whitelighter back in his place. No joy for you, Harry.

Meanwhile, Maggie and Mel are breaking into the Kappa house. Once inside, they find the house dark and all active sisters locked in a closet, bound and gagged. Maggie frees Gretchen, who informs her that that “that crazy bitch” Belinda did this to them and then kidnapped Regina George. The other Kappas affirm that they’d never seen Belinda before, meaning that Regina George is the only one Belinda had somehow mind-controlled into believing she was a Kappa. Gretchen and Karen explain that they heard Belinda saying she was going to use Regina to get revenge on someone for their treachery. Mel and Maggie deduce that Belinda is planning to possess Regina and use her body to enact revenge on 1989!Regina.

Mel and Maggie call Harry to wipe the Kappas’ memories. Maggie tracks down the sorority composite from 1989 and discovers that 1989!Regina’s name was Jenna Gordonson. Harry, still sulking about missing out on karaoke, reluctantly uses his professorial credentials to get into the alumni database and track down Jenna’s address. Of course she still lives locally, because it turns out that Hilltowne, Michigan is actually the Hotel California—you can graduate anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Once Maggie and Mel head off in search of Jenna, Harry apparates back to the sisters’ attic, where Macy is reading about cowrie shells in the Book of Shadows. The Book states that cowrie shells are used as emblems of protection against demons and other magical dangers. She explains to Harry that she thinks that Friendzone’s mark is a cowrie shell, and Harry speculates that maybe Macy, the Spicy Afro-Caribbean Witch that she is, may have unconsciously placed the mark on Friendzone herself when she kissed him (apparently there was no deflowering), and that her own protective spell is what caused Friendzone to separate from her after that night.

Macy says she thinks her own standoffishness is what really drove Friendzone away from her. She and Harry have a moment. I ship it?

And then Macy friendzones him. AHAHAHAHAHA THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN SHE FRIENDZONES HIM AFTER BEMOANING FRIENDZONING FRIENDZONE

Macy then has an epiphany, remembering that Friendzone’s grandma, who in the photo was wearing the cowrie shell that made Macy think the symbol was a cowrie shell to begin with, was from Haiti, and that the cowrie shell being used for protection was a Haitian thing. Wow, so you’re saying that maybe the Haitian is Haitian and the cowrie shell is a cowrie shell? Amazing. She and Harry look up a practitioner of Haitian witchcraft on Yelp, and they decide to go check her out.

Meanwhile, over at Jenna Gordonson’s apartment, Jenna is not dead yet—which Mel points out aloud, to Jenna’s face, which doesn’t make Jenna suspicious in any way. Maggie assures Jenna that she and Mel are reporters from Buzzfeed, and that they’re there to do an article about the Ten Spookiest Deaths in the Greek System. They, of course, are referring to Belinda, but Jenna reveals that she wasn’t the only girl who’s died that way. Apparently it’s relatively common for Kappa sisters to climb up on the roof while drunk and fall, but the alumnae board covers up the sorority connection so that it doesn’t make Kappa look dangerous. However, Mel and Maggie make the connection that Belinda was the first death, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that it’s been her ghost responsible for all these deaths over all these years.

Mel asks Jenna for more information about Belinda—she says she knows she was bullied and kicked out of her pledge class, but Jenna cuts her off here. She says Belinda wasn’t bullied, she was the bully. She’d gained a reputation during her pledge period for being manipulative and cruel, but the final straw had been when she began sleeping with a string of other sisters’ boyfriends. Jenna had cut her from the pledge process because, you know, she was a hosebeast, and in retaliation, Belinda had broken into the house and climbed up on the roof to hang a banner calling the Kappas a bunch of cunts. She had also stolen the candle that had been meant to be her initiation candle, which is the candle that Regina George lit at the beginning of the episode, thus summoning her spirit. Unfortunately, Belinda had been drunk while trying to hang the banner, which caused her to lose her balance and fall to her death.

Mel freezes time and tells Maggie that if Belinda died in anger rather than sorrow, she would have become a revenant, not a banshee. They realize she’s been killing Kappa sisters for years, making them die the same way she died. And they realize she’s not planning to use Regina’s body to kill Jenna—she’s going to kill Regina for having slighted Maggie the same way Belinda feels she was slighted.

Back at Kappa, Regina is on the roof complaining that wine coolers taste like cough drops. Belinda tells her to shut up and chug, loser.

Mel and Maggie call Harry, who is on a date with Macy in the Haitian witch priestess’ nail salon (after all, we all have day jobs). Harry asks Macy if she can handle the witch priestess solo. Macy agrees, and as soon as Harry disappears, the witch priestess, who is named Mama Roz because of course she is, comes sauntering out from the back room. It’s $20 for ten minutes, and she has bills to pay, so fork it over, bitch.

Macy shows Mama Roz the mark she saw on Friendzone. Mama Roz tells her it’s a sign to stay away. Macy asks if it’s because she could be leading Friendzone into danger, but Mama Roz tells her that the mark appeared on Friendzone as a warning to Macy, a sign to protect her rather than him, and that Friendzone could be endangering her. Mama Roz also says that Macy has the Ibi in her. When Macy asks what this means, Mama Roz is reluctant to tell her, but when Macy waves more dollas under her nose, she acquiesces: Macy has darkness in her. It’s been there since she was born. She’s different from her sisters, but she’ll have to search within herself to find it. Macy runs out the door as Mama Roz yells, “The pillar of your past holds the key to your darkness!”

SJWs everywhere: REEEEEEEEEE SO YOU’RE SAYING THE BLACK SISTER HAS DARKNESS IN HER REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Me: Oh please may Dead Hippie Mom have slept with a demon

Back at the Kappa house, Regina is still lucid enough to register that she is in a scary place and Belinda is starting to freak her out, but Belinda starts chanting at her to DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DON’T BE A COWARD

Regina takes a step forward but is saved in the nick of time by Harry, Mel and Maggie apparating in. Apparently apparating other people drains Harry’s energy and he mentions that he feels sick now, but these sisters don’t give a flying fuck. Well, to be fair, it is an emergency, because Regina is right on the edge of a tile roof and it would be giving me vertigo if the effects weren’t so terrible.

Maggie yells for Mel to start the revenant banishing spell while she tries to get through to Regina and break Belinda’s hold on her before she jumps. However, the banishing spell doesn’t work, because Belinda’s strength is too tied to Regina’s own feelings of betrayal. At the sight of Maggie, Regina starts sobbing and begs for Maggie to leave her alone, because every time she sees her she’s reminded of how they were friends and she trusted her and Maggie stabbed her in the back.

Belinda figures it out and starts yelling reminders to Regina of all the ways Maggie hurt her, and how the best way to get revenge on Maggie would be to kill herself. JUMP, HO! Regina jumps.

Mel freezes time, catching Regina in midair, which makes Belinda lose her damn mind and turn back into the smoky ghost form from the beginning of the episode. She swirls around Mel, screaming, trying to get her to break her concentration so Regina will fall. Harry says that he thinks Regina’s pain is the source of Belinda’s power, and Maggie realizes that instead of healing the source of Belinda’s pain, they needed to be focusing on healing Regina all this time.

Harry apparates up into midair, grabs Regina before falling himself, and apparates her down to the ground. Somehow this seems to be less taxing on him than when he brought Mel and Maggie in, but maybe it’s the adrenaline, or perhaps bad writing. Maggie tries to apologize to her, but Belinda is back like DON’T ACCEPT APOLOGIES! KILL! KILL! FINISH HER

Regina lunges to strangle Maggie, but Maggie starts saying the right things—that she never should have tried to play the victim the way Belinda had, that she was just as bad as her, that she deserved to get kicked out of Kappa, that she shouldn’t have kept trying to get in Regina’s face when Regina was begging her for space, that she doesn’t deserve Regina’s friendship. Regina accepts her apology, and Belinda screams and disappears in an effect that looks like an old TV switching off. How clever! The effects on this show are so great and high-budget.

As soon as Belinda is banished, Regina passes out. She wakes up later in the house, not remembering what happened but irrationally feeling less angry at Maggie (and also hungover). Maggie explains that she had drunk a lot of wine coolers (Regina acknowledges this as a new low) and that they’d had a talk while she was drunk, apologizes again, tells her she’s going to give her space but that she’d love to be friends again someday.

When Maggie leaves the house, Mel has this really UNBELIEVABLY out-of-character moment where she admits that she was wrong about the sorority and between what she learned from Jenna and Regina tonight that she sees now why Maggie wants to be in Kappa. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. She says that they all need to have lives outside of being witches, and that she’s sorry Maggie can’t have her sorority, and also she misses Niko. Sadface.

Maggie and Mel go to the Halloween bar to meet Macy. Maggie says that they need to tell Macy aboot seeing their mom in the 80s. I remember that Maggie’s actress is Canadian and snicker to myself. Before they can tell Macy aboot what they saw, Macy tells them aboot what the Haitian witch priestess said re: the darkness. Maggie and Mel suddenly realize what they overheard might be tacky and change the subject. Macy asks how things went with the Kappas, and Maggie says they’re fine now and should be wrapping up the initiation ceremony soon. Mel and Macy decide to head back to the house and set up a faux sorority initiation for Maggie into their sisterhood to make her feel better. THEY DO THE THING WITH DRINKING THE WATER AND DECLARING THAT THEIR BLOOD IS COVENANT. Someone did remedial internet research, I see!

As the initiation wraps up, Harry strolls past wearing a trench coat and fedora and carrying a suitcase. It seems that the Elders have deemed that now that the girls have the Book of Shadows back, they don’t need extra protection, so he’s moving back to the condo that he, a dead ghost man person, had been renting. What was the point of this subplot again?

Before he leaves, though, Maggie decrees that she wants to give Harry the initiation ceremony, too. He can be an honorary sister. What was it he said in the first episode to Mel? He felt as if his penis had been torn from his body? I imagine he felt something similar here. They crown him with a shower pouf, calling him “Poof.”

I believe Harry is supposed to be straight. That was the implication I got from his supposed past with Charity, and also the moment with Macy in this episode. I guess this is what feminists imagine straight guys are cool with.

Um, anyway… We haven’t forgotten the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys! Remember Macy’s mandated blood test? They do, too. Walton the Younger, a.k.a. the FBI Agent Demon Guy from the last episode, is rummaging through the vials of blood at the Generic Science Lab. If his father’s company is the one who mandated the drug test, shouldn’t they have access to it anyway? Or couldn’t he have taken the form of someone who does have access to it? No matter. Dr. Kevorkian catches him in the act of stealing the blood, and gets stabbed in the neck for his trouble. Goodbye, Dr. Kevorkian, or whoever you were.

Back at the house, Macy is in her room and she notices the Photoshopped picture of Dead Hippie Mom holding Baby Macy sitting framed on her dresser. As she looks at the photo, Mama Roz’s warning echoes through her head: “The pillar of your past holds the key to your darkness.” Macy notices a pillar on the porch behind her in the photo. She goes out to the front porch and investigates the support pillars. There’s a barometer mounted on one of them that she can’t get off with her fingers. She uses her powers to cast it aside, and behind the barometer is a hole with a small box inside.

Inside the box is a skeleton key with a pentagram on top. Macy stares at it and the episode ends.

Okay. I’m sorry, you guys. This episode was barely woke at all. It was actually… kind of good. I actually enjoyed it. Yes, the writing was stupid, but I’m pretty sure that the writers of this show may have just moved up from writing Nickelodeon shows, so what do you expect? I really like how they’ve been handling Regina George in the last few episodes. I like that she really got the spotlight in this one. I’m interested in the subplot about Macy and the ~mysterious darkness~. I can’t believe Mel wasn’t even that big of a cunt in this episode.

If this show can’t produce wokeness, am I going to lose my job? Am I going to end up on the streets? I work with the material I’ve been given, people!

The episode begins with Macy in the bathtub. So, you know, if that’s your thing, we’re starting out strong this week. She’s listening to classical music with her earbuds in, bubbles strategically covering the parts that matter, some kind of moisturizing mask on her face (look, I know I’m a girl, but I have never used one of those in my life and honestly have no clue how they work). Behind the shower curtain, a shadow appears. It’s definitely a man, and he definitely looks like he’s holding a machete.

Macy’s eyes open, and she sees the shadow, screams, and hurls the silhouette away along with the shower curtain, which tangles the figure up. The shadow yells and yeah it’s Harry.

WHAT?

• Why is Harry in their house at 1:00 a.m.?
• Why is Macy taking a bath at 1:00 a.m.?* I’m a night owl but that’s late for even me.
• Why is Harry, even if he’s staying in their house, going in the bathroom when Macy’s in there taking a bath?
• Why does Harry need to use the bathroom at all? I thought he was dead? He’s apparently the type of ghost that can be seen, can interact with ordinary humans and hold tenured faculty positions, can eat and drink, and apparently sleeps and uses the bathroom. Are we sure he’s dead? Is there a purpose to him being dead? Because it makes no sense whatsoever.

* Answer: “1:00 a.m. baths are my safe space.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)

Maggie comes running out of her room wanting to know what’s going on at one in the freaking morning. Macy is apologizing to Harry, who has done nothing to deserve this apology because YOU DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM WHEN SOMEONE IS TAKING A BATH UNLESS YOU’RE OF THE SAME GENDER AND RELATED TO THEM BY BLOOD, okay? You’re a dude—if you need to pee, there are plenty of alternatives for you that are much easier for you than they would be for a dudette. At the very least, you knock and ask if you can come in, you don’t just stroll in. Honestly.

Anyway, what was the purpose of this? Fan service + exposition, that’s what. Harry tersely reminds them that while the Elders are… something… he has to stay with them… because reasons. So now he’s living in their attic, I guess. The Elders apparently have the Book of Shadows…? There’s not more than one copy…? So I guess Harry has to live there when the Book of Shadows… I have no fucking clue, guys. Anyway, he’s mad because HE wanted to take a 1:00 a.m. bath, goddammit.

This… scene, if we can call it that, is interrupted by Mel staggering in yelling at them all to shut up because she has to get up early tomorrow to go to detective partner’s funeral. I still can’t believe they copped (??) out and killed him like that.

At the funeral, Niko recaps what we “learned” about him in the last episode, Mel tells her not to keep replaying it because she’s sick of hearing it it will only make her feel worse, and they make a date for dinner that evening. They leave the graveside only for a young man to approach the grave as they depart. He’s holding flowers in his hand. He’s probably detective partner’s gay lover. Hilltowne, Michigan apparently has a high percentage of F.O.D.s.

Just kidding. He’s a demon. His eyes glow and he turns into smoke and disappears into the freshly tilled earth. Guess we haven’t seen the last of detective partner after all!

Over at the Generic Science Lab, Macy is preparing to give a presentation. Some guy comes in, shaking her hand and addressing her as “Dr. Vaughn”. Oh, so she’s a doctor. She said she was 28, right?

Mm-kay. Well, I guess she wasn’t busy getting laid during that time, so she had a lot of time on her hands.

Anyway, this guy turns out the be the CEO of Morningstar Biotech. He also… possibly is the guy who took the paint can from Charity in the last episode? I dunno, white guys all look alike. Regardless, I don’t trust him. But his company has done a lot of things with epigenetics, whatever that is, and he’s looking to bring Macy into his fold because she’s such a prodigy and all.

While Macy stands there with her jaw dropped at this proposition, a sassy Gaysian who I guess has worked there all along but I’ve never seen him before appears behind her and tells her she better not blow it. Macy asks where Friendzone is as they were supposed to prep their presentation together beforehand. Gaysian is like, “Girlfriend, haven’t you heard the news? He’s been sucked into the Summer Sex Craze!” It may be November, but Friendzone has picked up a BBW named Summer in the time since the last episode. Wait, does BBW stand for Beautiful Black Woman or Big Beautiful Woman? Regardless, Summer is both (if by big you mean tall, because she’s pretty svelte), and Friendzone can’t keep his tongue out of her mouth, even in the Generic Science Lab. Macy is unhappy about this development. Did you lose your virginity to him, Macy? That was never really made clear.

Meanwhile, Niko had an appointment with an FBI agent to discuss what she knew about detective partner, which apparently wasn’t much. The agent gives her his card as she leaves, and as she walks away, he turns to face the camera—HE’S THE DEMON FROM THE CEMETERY! I’D RECOGNIZE THAT WHITE NATIONALIST HAIRCUT ANYWHERE! So, what, is everyone a demon in this episode? Because, frankly, I’d be surprised if Friendzone’s new BBW isn’t a demon. This show isn’t known for its nuanced writing.

At some coffee cart somewhere (on campus…?), Maggie has met up with Regina George. You know something’s wrong because Regina has her hair up in a bun and is only wearing a normal human amount of makeup, and thus looks like a regular person instead of a Stepford Wife. Over pumpkin spiced lattes, Regina informs Maggie that Connerparkerdude has dumped her. Maggie is appropriately sympathetic until Regina states that she knows he must have been cheating on her, because there’s no reason he would have dumped someone as perfect as her if he wasn’t cheating, and she’s going to get vengeance by finding out just who the trollop is.

This seems psychotic but okay.

She enlists Maggie to be the one to do her snooping for her so that she can keep her hands clean. What? Are we in the mob now? She then pulls Maggie into a hug, and Maggie reads her mind to hear her thinking, “Thank God I have Maggie, she’s the only one I trust.”

What a great Kappa sister Maggie is going to make!

Back at the house, Mel and Niko are having dinner, but Niko is too upset to eat. She tells Mel that there’s something she needs to know about detective partner: Just before he died, he told Niko that he’d found a connection between Mel’s mother’s death and the deaths of two other women, one in Santa Fe and one in New Orleans. Presumably these two women were also Elders. I guess they don’t all live in Hilltowne. But Charity was able to apparate into the warehouse when Maggie summoned her, so this doesn’t explain why they keep being so unavailable when the girls need them. Anyway, detective partner had pulled the files on all three of those cases (why the Hilltowne PD would have files on cases in New Orleans and Santa Fe is beyond me), and now no one can find them. Niko is starting to wonder if those three deaths may have been murders, and detective partner stumbled across Something Sinister in his investigation that led to him being murdered himself and then framed for the Halloween deaths.

Mel: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Mel tells her that she thinks she needs to let it go. Niko presses, saying that she knows Mel always believed that her mother’s death wasn’t accidental, and doesn’t she want the truth? I honestly thought that Mel was going to miss the obvious lie here, which would be: If your partner was killed for this, that means you might be in danger, too. But she actually did finally say this, after first trying and failing to play it off like she didn’t care about her mother’s death anymore. Niko grumbles but sits back down. You know she’s not going to let this go, even though Mel is technically right—if it really was a murder and frame-up job, that would be very dangerous for Niko, too. But you know. Whatever.

Outside detective partner’s home, FBI Agent Demon Guy is on the phone with Epigenetics Demon Guy (I was right, he was the one who took the paint can from Charity last episode). He tells him that he searched the apartment but couldn’t find the DNA vials. What? He also tells him that he defiled the grave (eww), so now he can take the detective’s shape. So I guess he won’t be reanimating his corpse. They have some banter. I have no clue what’s going on.

Maggie comes home carrying some extremely large Sponsor bags and busts Macy Facebook stalking Friendzone and his new BBW. Macy says she doesn’t want to talk about it, so Maggie just feels her up in order to read her mind, as you do. Maggie then says that since she doesn’t need to do her Stalking Homework for Regina George, being as she already knows the harlot who came between her and Connerparkerdude was herself, she’s only too happy to help Macy with her stalking. They login to Maggie’s fake stalking account across all social media platform, Mariah Aguilera.

Is this what people do? Is this why I don’t get along with other humans and live alone in the woods in a hut that stands on chicken legs?

Now Mel and Niko are on the phone. Niko says she appreciates that Mel is worried for her safety, but safety be damned. Mel suggests they take a weekend off and go somewhere quiet to forget about all this. This suggestion jogs Niko’s memory and reminds her that detective partner had a fishing cabin nearby, and this may be where the evidence is hidden. She hangs up on Mel and runs off.

Honestly, at this point, now I’m worrying about her safety. Especially since, as she drives away, she’s followed by FBI Agent Demon Guy.

Back at the house, Maggie is fuh-REAKING out as she sees how perfect and flawless Friendzone’s BBW is turning out to be. She’s an Ivy League-educated sports journalist (wtf) and her podcast was just picked up by NPR. Her social media is filled with bikini pics, as Ivy League-educated sports journalists are known to do. “She’s so perfect, it’s… creepy! Seemingly ageless, hypnotic pull on men, like, a billion accolades, and impeccable nails? She can’t be human.”

Okay, now I’m thinking she’s not really a demon and this is a red herring meant to trick us into thinking she’s a succubus or something when, in reality, she’s just perfect. Because even this show can’t be that obvious, right? Right??

Macy says she refuses to participate in the demonization of another woman. There we go, I wondered where the feminism went this episode. Maggie counters that it’s not demonization if she’s an actual demon. She calls Harry to ask for his feedback. Instead of apparating in, he comes running in with no pants on and carrying an iron.

Sigh.

Harry tells Maggie that her language is problematic (Real Dialogue Alert: that was the real dialogue), but that it’s possible BBW could indeed be a succubus. He also looks at BBW’s photo and says, “My word. She’s supposed to be hot?”

Is that… is that racist?

The three of them decide to investigate. Harry informs them that succubi have wings and tails, but that they disguise these with magic. However, they typically flaunt their true forms with subtle markers such as tattoos or birthmarks in the place where the wings and tail would be. This has no potential to backfire on them, as wings are defintiely not one of the most common tattoos acquired by basic bitches. Maggie and Macy decide to investigate further at the Generic Science Lab’s cocktail party tonight, at which they’re celebrating Epigenetics Demon Guy’s generous and not-at-all-suspicious grant. Harry says he will ask the Elders to send him a succubus banishing spell from the Book of Shadows that they have for some reason, and he’ll text it to them. Cheerio!

Real Dialogue Alert: That was—

Meanwhile, at Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss, Niko has Discovered something. Her partner’s fishing cabin was… honestly a little psychotic. He had a big old pinboard with a shit ton of evidence on it, which seems really inappropriate. Should you be doing stuff like that at a remote fishing cabin instead of, you know, at the police department? On the desk beneath the pinboard is a bag that looks like it’s got a poop sample test in it. I guess this is the “DNA evidence.” Seriously?

Niko grabs the vials and starts photographing the evidence board with her phone. In the midst of this, she’s interrupted by… her dead partner’s reanimated corpse! Or I guess just the FBI Agent Demon Guy masquerading as him. He tells her that he can’t explain right now, but he needs the vials. She just hands them over, of course. He asks her what else she saw. “Everything,” she replies.

Bye, Niko!

The demon punches her in the face, sending her flying against the pinboard and knocking her out cold. He then pulls out a Molotov cocktail and lights that bitch up. The cabin is quickly engulfed in green CGI flames, because why use practical effects when we can just use digital?

Fortunately for Niko, Mel has decided if there’s only going to be one episode this season in which she isn’t a useless bitch, it’s going to be today! Since Niko had blurted out that she was going to her partner’s cabin and its location, Mel was able to track her down and pulls up just in time to find the cabin ablaze. She tries to freeze time, but her powers won’t work on the demon flames. She finds Niko unconscious in the back of the cabin. Unfortunately, they don’t both burn to a crisp here. Mel manages to wake Niko up and the two stagger out of the cabin just before the roof caves in.

Back in Hilltowne, Macy and Maggie have arrived at the Generic Science Lab’s cocktail party, which is… a bar. Did I miss something? Did the definition of the phrase “cocktail party” change?

For some reason they let Maggie in, even though she’s repeatedly stated that she’s only a freshman. Oh, I know. She actually is 21—she failed kindergarten three times. That would explain everything.

Maggie, Macy, Friendzone and BBW make awkward conversation. BBW, feeling the awkward, excuses herself to the bar. Maggie runs off to join her, leaving Macy to… completely bite Friendzone’s head off for getting with another girl after she blew him off umpteen times. Friendzone irritably explains the definition of the words “friend zone” to her. She blinks blankly at him until Maggie and BBW return with beers. BBW rubs her scent all over Friendzone and they leave. Macy decrees that he’s not acting like himself—it’s definitely not like him to assert himself and not allow himself to be strung along any further by her. He must be succubused!

At the hospital, Mel and Harry, who is now clothed, are standing vigil over Niko. Mel tells him about the green flames she couldn’t freeze. Harry explains this is Hellfire, a type of “supernatural napalm” favored by demons. Mel also tells him that Niko says she saw detective partner; Harry recognizes that they must be dealing with a shapeshifter. Isn’t it nice that we’ve got him around to mansplain everything? Remember the old days of Non-Feminist Charmed, in which the sisters were on their own and had to figure everything out for themselves by sitting down and reading the Book of Shadows?

Harry has Mel forward herself the pictures Niko took on her phone and then delete them off Niko’s device, hoping that maybe when she wakes up she might not remember everything she saw and that this may protect her. Mel is worried the demon may still try to kill her. She asks Harry how they can protect her without telling her about their magic; Harry responds by yelling, “AS FOR YOUR ARGUMENT, I FAIL TO SEE HOW GANGSTA BITCH MUSIC VOL. 2 CAN BE CONSIDERED A RADICAL MANIFESTO!” Looks like Niko’s awake. Harry excuses himself, citing a “Women’s Studies emergency.”

Real Dialogue Alert: All of that was the real dialogue.

Back at the bar, Maggie comes out of the bathroom and runs into—literally—Connerparkerdude. She demands to know why he broke up with Regina George. He says, of course, that it’s because he likes Maggie better. He suggests that they give Regina some time to get over it. Maggie correctly points out that there is no amount of time long enough that would make it okay for her to then date her friend’s ex-boyfriend. I can’t even imagine a scenario in which this would work. Even if presumably Regina George is a senior (which she should be, being the president—usually these are elected in the spring and run a calendar year rather than an academic year, with the president being elected the spring of her junior year and finishing her term in the fall of her senior year—but since this is TV I bet that somehow it will come out that she’s supposed to be a freshman, too) and will be graduating soon, if you ever intend to talk to her after graduation that’s a no, and she’s sure to have friends in the sorority who will think you’re a skank and try to push you out even after she’s gone. Basically, girl, you need to choose. And remember: Sisters before misters.

Meanwhile, across the bar, Sassy Gaysian and his boyfriend are regaling Macy with Star Trek: Voyager lore while she attempts to stalk Friendzone and BBW. They’re making out behind the pool table and OH MY GOD HE HAS A SUCCUBUS MARK ON HIM! SERIOUSLY? SHE REALLY IS A SUCCUBUS. THIS SHOW REALLY IS THAT PREDICTABLE. IT DOESN’T EVEN TRY.

Macy runs to Maggie and tells her that BBW is actually a succubus and that they have to save Friendzone. Maggie asks if maybe she’s actually just misunderstood, or if maybe Macy is being melodramatic. See, BBW told Maggie that she liked her outfit. That’s all it takes.

Friendzone and BBW walk by, and Macy points out that BBW has a basic bitch tattoo: wings and a tail on her tailbone. Maggie proclaims that she always knew that tramp stamps were the work of the devil, and she’s back in the game. That’s all it takes.

Back at the hospital, Niko is asleep again and a nurse comes in, telling Mel that she needs to give Niko an injection. She’s holding a vial full of bright green liquid. Mel is supicious, glances out the window to the hallway and sees that same nurse outside folding hospital gowns. She freezes the demon, and then… instead of calling Harry to give her a sealing spell or something intelligent, she just SLOWLY WALKS OVER TO THE DEMON and sticks her face right up to the syringe and then TA-DA! The demon springs to life, grabbing her by the throat and lifting her up into the air. They struggle, Mel repeatedly freezing time and then losing her grip, and the demon almost makes it over to Niko with the goddamn syringe before Mel FINALLY calls Harry. He tackles the demon and eventually manages to stab it in the neck with its own poison. It turns into smoke and disappears into the air duct on the ceiling.

IT’S A GOOD THING WE’VE GOT MR. MAN HERE TO—

Niko is discharged and Mel brings her back to the sisters’ house. Mel wants to know why the demon is so focused on Niko instead of her, since she’s the Charmed One. Harry says that shapeshifter demons tend to be singular in nature and refuse to give up on a target once they’ve zeroed in on it, so for whatever reason, now that the demon is after Niko, it’s not going to give up until one of them is dead. Mel knows that even if they manage to kill this demon, Niko will still be at risk as long as she’s near Mel. She asks Harry if there’s a spell that could make it so Niko doesn’t remember they’ve ever met. Harry says there is, but tries to fob her off by reminding her that they don’t have the Book of Shadows for Some Reason. Mel asks him to ask the Elders if they can send her the spell.

Meanwhile, Maggie and Macy have tracked BBW back to her apartment. They knock on the door, BBW answers it, they cast the succubus binding spell on her and… nothing happens. So she’s not a succubus?

BBW, being kind and understanding as well as perfect, sympathetically tells Macy that she understands; she’s also done crazy things while drunk and jealous, and if Macy leaves right now she won’t tell Friendz—

Oh, Friendzone! What are you doing here, dressed in nothing but a towel? And will someone please explain to me what that glowing mark on his hip is if it’s not a succubus mark? Macy points it out to Maggie, but no one but Macy can see it, which makes Macy look even more drunk. BBW kindly informs Friendzone that she left her wallet at the bar and Macy and Maggie were just here to return it to her. The sisters leave with their tails between their legs.

When they get home, Mel has the Book of Shadows, which Harry has brought back from the Elders. What was the purpose of them taking it, again? She asks the others to help her perform a history rewriting spell, which requires the Power of Three. This will undo the past and make it so that Niko and Mel never met, which will further make it so Niko never transferred to Hilltowne from her old position in nearby Lakeville (such originally named cities), adding a further layer of protection. Only Macy, Mel, Maggie, and Harry will have any memory of how things were before. Maggie asks if this will undo detective partner’s death, or even go so far as undo their mother’s death since she was still alive at the time Niko and Mel met. Harry says no, the spell will only affect the living—death is the one thing that can’t be undone.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?? BUT DETECTIVE PARTNER IS ONLY DEAD **BECAUSE** NIKO WAS DATING MEL! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE KILLED HIM IN THIS REALITY IF HE WASN’T KILLED THE WAY HE WAS KILLED?

Harry tells them they need to be absolutely sure before they do this because the consequences can be extreme. Apparently his existence is due to some kind of similar spell, and because of it, he has no memory of his previous life. All he knows is that he died performing some sort of service of Good that the Elders saw fit to reward by turning him into a Whitelighter.

YOU JUST SAID DEATH CAN’T BE—

Harry tells Mel that the evidence Niko found will disappear off her phone after the spell is performed, so they need to analyze that evidence before they conduct the spell because they won’t be able to look at it again. He also tells her every physical trace of their relationship will be gone forever, so you can kiss that Cure album goodbye, bitch.

The girls set up the spell while hipster music wails. Mel goes down to say goodbye to Niko only to find her throwing her shoes on—gotta go back to the cabin with the chief and see if anything is salvageable, gotta solve this case, like a dog with a bone…

Mel has to freeze time in order to keep the maniac from running out the door and dying before they can cast the spell. She tries to say goodbye to her frozen form, but the spell kicks in first. Mel reaches out to kiss her, but she disintegrates into the sands of time and disappears first. This might actually have moved me IF THE EFFECTS WEREN’T SO GODDAMN SHITTY.

The next day, Maggie and Mel are stalking Niko on Facebook. She’s back to wearing the fake glasses she threw away in the second episode (I didn’t recap it, but while she was screaming about all the microaggressions in that episode she announced that her glasses were fake to make people take her seriously, and she stopped wearing them but I didn’t notice it until way later), but otherwise she seems happy. Macy decrees that she thinks it’s not worth it for witches to date. You would say that, now that you’re the one who’s been friendzoned.

Mel says that even if she can’t have Niko anymore, at least she’ll always have the memories. Harry, who has embraced his new role as butler and is cooking them all a full English breakfast, looks uncomfortable about this turn of phrase. Maggie feels bad and tells him that even though he can’t remember his own family, they’re happy to welcome him into their family. Harry tells her that she’s “such an American millennial.”

I honestly have no clue where he was going with that one.

The four of them discuss their next plan of action. Mel describes the evidence she saw, WHICH SHE APPARENTLY DIDN’T SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE (except possibly Harry) before sending it into the eternal oblivion. The three witches’ bodies all had similar branch-like bruising or some other kind of marking, which Mel asserts she’ll know if she sees again. But her sisters won’t, since the moron didn’t show them the pictures.

Harry tells Macy that the mark she saw on Friendzone, even if it wasn’t a succubus mark, is likely some kind of demon mark, and tells her that he can make a copy of it but she’ll need to get close to him to perform the spell. She does this by going over to his apartment, apologizing for being a diva, and then pulling him to an awkward hug. Mission accomplished.

Maggie, meanwhile, has to go meet with Regina George, with the intention of telling her the truth about Connerparkerdude. This goes about as well as you might expect. Honestly, Regina George has for the most part acted like a normal human being rather than a plastic cunt the last two episodes, so I was definitely on her side here. She gives Maggie the boot from Kappa, which, frankly, she had coming. HOS BEFORE BROS, HO.

Over at the campus, Mel is heading to teach her class, only to find someone else teaching it. Oh, right! The morning of her job interview, she slept through her alarm but Niko woke her up. Since she and Niko never dated, Niko wasn’t there to wake her up, which means Mel now doesn’t have a job. She had a job, I guess? I knew she was a grad student, so I’m guessing this was one of those classes they have grad students teach. But does that really count as a job? Or is she now no longer a grad student at all? I don’t know shit and I doubt the writer of this series does, either. Anyway, unintended consequences! Which apparently only affect Mel, since Friendzone and Regina George were completely unchanged!

At an undisclosed location, FBI Agent Demon Guy and Epigenetics Demon Guy are arguing because neither of them can remember what FBI Agent Demon Guy’s mission was, since Niko has basically disappeared off the timeline. FBI Agent Demon Guy calls Epigenetic Demon Guy “Dad.” Oh, okay. They finally agree that the Charmed Ones must have caused a temporal shift, and they’ll have to figure out another way to get the witch Elders’ DNA.

That’s what was in the poop vials? And detective partner managed to have that how? He managed to get that away from the Santa Fe PD and the New Orleans PD and/or the FBI how?

Epigenetics Demon Guy says that instead of Elder DNA, they should focus on Charmed One DNA instead. And he knows just how to get it… *zoom in on computer with Macy’s Generic Science Lab profile*

Overall thoughts: This one wasn’t too derpy. It was, of course, completely retarded and overflowing with logical errors. But at least (?) it wasn’t political. Not much feminism apart from that one scene where Macy said she didn’t want to demonize other women/Harry called Maggie problematic right before calling BBW ugly. Mel was actually pretty normal in this one rather than a raging cunt. I might have been moved by the scene where Niko was being written out of the tapestry of time if it weren’t for the GODAWFUL shitty 90s-tier CGI. Regina George was written pretty even-handedly, for Regina George. I mean, apart from that psychotic break where she wanted Maggie to investigate the trollop on her behalf so she could end her. But she actually did acknowledge her psychotic behavior in a fit of tears just before Maggie confessed the truth to her, so that warmed me to her.

They better bring the woke back next week or I’ll be out of a job!

It’s that time again! I hope you all have a drink ready. I am not drinking today, but that’s okay because I’m currently high on cold meds and not sure what’s happening around me anyway. This may explain why I have absolutely no clue what happens in this episode. Maybe it would make more sense to me if my brain wasn’t marinating in a bath of mucus. Or maybe if I was functioning this would be even worse. The choice is yours!

We begin with a flashback to Before. Before their mom died, Before their powers awakened, Before Angela Wu fell into a Mysterious Coma and emerged possessed by a demon that feeds on the blood of virgins. Angela has come to Woke Feminist Mom with a report that Professor Rapey McRaperton has done something naughty to her, and she would like to consequently destroy him. Woke Feminist Mom offers her some “medicinal” herbs in a mug and tells Angela that she has her full support. She warns Angela that Professor McRaperton will undoubtedly frame this as a witch hunt, because, quote, “That’s what scared men do.”

Angela is concerned about reporting anything because apparently Professor McRaperton is a world-famous geneticist whose discoveries have saved lives, which makes her feel as though she’s accusing Santa Claus of sexual harassment. (An odd comparison to make, since as I said before, McRaperton definitely resembled Jack Frost as portrayed by Martin Short, not Santa Claus. He was bony and angular, not jolly and round.) This left me with a lot of questions: McRaperton was shown to be a demon, not be possessed by one the way Maggie’s ex-boyfriend had been. So why would he be interested in doing Science that saves human lives rather than secretly unleashing plagues on the human population?

The flashback ends with Mel and Woke Feminist Mom assuring Angela that if she decides to take on McRaperton, they will be there for her and she won’t ever be alone. Now, in the present day, Angela has evolved into Samara Form and is screeching like a banshee while chained in the sisters’ attic. Mel ruminates that having her under guard 24/7 isn’t what she had in mind when she promised Angela she wouldn’t be alone. But, hey, at least you technically didn’t lie!

The sisters convene in the kitchen (excuse me, you’re not supposed to leave Demon Girl unsupervised? So unless Harry is up there, one of you should not be in this room) about how this babysitting assignment is seriously cramping their style. Mel says, completely straight-faced, “I blame the President.” [Side note: I am so used to this nonsense by now that I didn’t even register her saying this until the second time I watched it.] Maggie reveals that she’s failing her classes, to which Macy responds, “You’re taking classes?” Correct response, Macy. Maggie is offended by this flippancy, however — after all, if she fails she gets placed on academic probation, and if she’s on academic probation, she won’t be allowed to be in Kappa!

Macy decides she’s had enough, so she calls Harry. Oh, okay. So no one’s watching the demon, then. All right. Macy wants to know where the actual hell the Elders (Silence!) are. Harry tells her that they’re busy analyzing a 5000-year-old prophecy, as if this is something they can’t do; 1. After they’ve collected the demon and brought it to Witch Jail, or 2. In the attic while babysitting her themselves.

I don’t believe in the Elders at this point. I don’t believe they’re real. I think Harry made them up and hired Orson Welles to portray them as a red herring.

The doorbell rings, but it’s not the Elders — it’s Niko and her detective partner. They’re here as part of their ongoing investigation into the disappearance of Angela Wu following her emergence from her Mysterious Coma. The sisters scramble to get rid of them before they decide to investigate the attic and find Samangela waiting for them. Unfortunately, they are the worst liars in the goddamn universe, so all they manage to do is make the cops more suspicious. Luckily for the sisters, they are rescued in the nick of time by the absolute most insufferable blonde woman, who is pretending to be an interior designer there to help the sisters renovate their attic. The obvious lie here would be to say that they wanted to convert it to an apartment to take in renters for extra income since, you know, who’s paying their mortgage now that Mom and her tenured faculty position are gone? But of course they pretend that they just want to redecorate it in Minimalist Scandinavian Farmhouse style to use as a chic winter den, and Niko apparently buys this.

Once the cops are gone, the woman reveals that she’s one of the Elders, because of fucking course she is. Of course the Elders are a group of quirky middle-aged women in white sequined pantsuits who watch HGTV on the treadmill and don’t appreciate being called Elders because that implies they’re old. Also, in her spare time, when she’s not being queen of the witches, this woman (Charity — seriously, her name is Charity) isn’t actually an interior designer, but rather the CEO of an investment company that uses micro-loans to help women in developing nations start their own businesses, thus tackling poverty and inequality through ethical, female-focused capitalism.

Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.

Mel wants to get right down to business and asks how they go about saving Angela. Charity replies that Angela can’t be saved — she needs to be killed, tonight, during the full moon, using a set of ritual killing sticks sacred daggers that she pulls from her Prada handbag.

Mel and Maggie try to protest this in hushed whispers while Charity inspects the demon in this weird perky way that kind of looks like she’s frolicking around it. I really can’t emphasize enough how much this show is filmed like a cartoon. Harry isn’t interested in their arguments, however, because he’s too busy trying to impress Charity. I don’t know if he’s angling for a slot in the Elders or if he’s just a brownnoser, but this is also just too over the top. He explains to the girls that the Elders are like royalty and must be deferred to. Mel tells him to take his monarchist bullshit and shove it, and for once I actually agree with her.

Charity informs the sisters that there’s no time to waste — another Elder has been killed, the third since the girls’ mother. The sisters protest that Harry didn’t tell them she was an Elder, and Harry says he did during his speech in the first episode. I’m with Harry on this one: I remember him saying that. They say he wasn’t clear enough, but he definitely said that was the second part of the prophecy, remember? Step one: Trump, step two: senior witches killed, step three: apocalypse. However, when Harry tries to remind them of that, Charity mutes him. Now his mouth can move forever, but no voice will come. LOL, isn’t she the best? She knows when those menfolk need to just shut their traps. Don’t all wish we had that power, ladies? Turn that mansplaining right off.

With Harry now duly silenced, Mel argues that if Charity was friends with their mom, she’d know that she would never give up on saving Angela. Why can’t they do an exorcism? Charity explains that in order for an exorcism to work, there has to be a soul still in the body, but the Harbinger is so powerful that surely Angela’s soul must already be dead or evicted from the body or whatever. Macy finds this reasonable and agrees they need to kill Angela. Mel wants to do everything they can to try to save her. And thus the series formula continues. Is it Mel’s turn to be right this week?

Meanwhile, Niko and her detective partner are discussing the girls’ shitty lying during their interview. The partner indicates he thinks they were up to something because they were so jumpy. Niko brushes him off as absurd: “Mel gets nervous around cops — as plenty of people of color do. Plus, she hates guns.”

Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.

Once Niko has finished educating her partner on his white privilege, we find Maggie in class, where the professor is lecturing the students on the very first line of Dante’s Inferno seconds before dismissing them, as you do. Regina George is also in the class, but she doesn’t sit with Maggie. She sits with her boyfriend, Conner or Parker or whatever his name was. Somehow Maggie managed to make it as far as midterms without ever noticing this guy or that he’s dating Regina George, the sorority president she’s been stalking for three months. She gazes longingly at him while the professor reminds them all that their midterm is on Friday and is worth 50% of their class grade. (Holy shit? Does that make the midterm worth more than the final, or is the grade in their class literally only the midterm and the final, in which case how is she flunking?)

After the class, Regina George skips over to Maggie and starts acting uncharacteristically nice. If she was like this all the time, I would see why Maggie is so invested in joining her sorority. She makes chit-chat with her about class and homecoming like a normal human being, and then when Maggie says she can’t help with the Kappa homecoming float due to her need to study for the midterm or risk academic probation, she calls her boyfriend over and asks if he could tutor her, since he’s one of Those Guys who like to sit around reading classic literature and sipping coffee while dressed in all black. Connerparkerdude is all too happy to oblige, IYKWIMAITYD.

Over at the Generic Science Lab, Macy is looking through a microscope at… something… that moves and changes while she looks at it. I have no clue what it is or where she got it or what its relevance to the episode is. When she exclaims, however, Friendzone (who appears to be back in the Friendzone after last week’s potential deflowering) asks her what’s wrong, and she attempts to distract him with a thought experiment: If you had to kill one person in order to prevent an entire town from potentially dying, which would you choose? Ah, the old Life is Strange dilemma. To Macy, the choice is obvious: kill the cunt! However, Friendzone disagrees — she said POTENTIALLY dying, which means there’s a chance they won’t die, in which case she should do everything possible to save both the one person and the town, and Kobayashi Maru this shit! Macy is flabbergasted by his lack of scientific objectivity, but also attracted to his James T. Kirk-as-portrayed-by-Idris Elba (the way it was always meant to be) style of “never say die.”

Back at the house, Mel finds a spell in the Book of Shadows that lets her reveal the soul inside the Harbinger’s host. For a moment, the demon form peels away with a really bad CG effect. The inner Angela Banana inside the nasty old roten peel begs Mel to help her, before the Harbinger takes over again. Mel now knows that Angela’s soul is still trapped inside her body, and though the demon vows that she will never get her back, Mel is the brightest witch of her age, so…

Mel runs downstairs to where Charity is on the phone with one of her investors, admonishing them that her corporation isn’t just about the bottom line, it’s all about fostering a community of wamen supporting wamen. When she gets off the phone, Mel tells her about the spell she just performed which showed that Angela is still alive. Charity acquiesces that while she may have been wrong about the status of Angela’s soul, that doesn’t change the calculus: the ritual killing must proceed as planned.

Calculus…?

Mel tells her calculus (no, really, they said calculus) be damned, what happened to wamen supporting wamen? Charity tells her to fuck off and takes away her voice so that Mel can’t attempt an exorcism. She gives it back when Mel agrees to not perform the exorcism, though, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mel scrambles to rally her sisters to attempt the exorcism before the Elders can impose the ritual killing. She somehow manages to get Angela into the trunk of her car and goes to pick up Maggie, but before they can collect Macy, they notice Niko’s detective partner is tailing them. Mel decides to freeze time so they can escape, even though this will make it appear as though the car disappeared into thin air to the detective, because neither of them can think of a more suitable solution. Now detective partner is suspicious that Something Fishy is Going On.

Macy gets back to the house where she confers with Charity and Harry about the thing she saw at the lab, which I guess was the Harbinger’s murder spit or something. It apparently is similar in structure to smallpox, only much more dangerous because it kills instantly. Okay. She, Charity and Harry enter the attic with the ritual killing sticks, only to find Angela, Mel and Maggie gone. Maggie has brought them to a secret location, the place where the Kappa homecoming float is being constructed, and the two of them attempt to find an exorcism spell in the Book of Shadows. How they plan on making this work without Macy there to give them the Power of Three, I have no clue. Harry zips in, I guess having used his handy-dandy Witch Seeking powers, and Mel tells him about the revealing spell she performed which showed that Angela is still alive, trapped inside her own body. She also tells him that she blames herself for Angela’s situation because she talked Angela into reporting Professor McRaperton, the stress of which led to her OD’ing which is how she wound up in the Mysterious Coma.

Seriously? It wasn’t a mysterious coma, it was just a regular, drug-induced coma? That she fell into the night before testifying against Professor McRaperton? I thought we were going to get more plot intrigue than this, guys, come on.

Back at the house, Charity is telling Macy that her sisters are overly emotional, but that Macy, being a pure logical Vulcan, is a natural born leader — like her mother. Macy asks if her mother ever told Charity about her. Charity says no, but that many years ago her mother had asked Charity if she could perform a spell on her that would remove all of her pain and grief regarding a particular loss, and Charity believes that was the loss of Macy.

Up to this point, the discussion around Macy has been centered on, “Why would Mom give you up?” But literally no one has as of yet factored into the conversation the part where Macy had a dad — by all accounts her birth dad — who raised her and told her that her mother was dead. This screams “unamicable divorce” to me, but everyone keeps treating it as if Macy was put up for adoption. I don’t know why I’m still expecting this show to make any sense, but okay.

Speaking of not making sense, Macy excuses herself after this and somehow winds up over at the mystery location where Maggie and Mel are with Harry, Angela, and the Kappa homecoming float. She tells them she’s decided she wants to help, and she’s sorry she accused them of being overly emotional. She admits that she’s built up this logical Vulcan façade as a protection measure against… life or something, but I guess since it turns out that their mom had emotions, she can have emotions too. Or whatever.

As the sister join hands, the Book of Shadows opens to a previously hidden spell written specifically for the three of them in their mother’s handwriting. “It’s in Spanish,” Mel says.

“She wrote this spell for us,” Mel says. “But why?”

“So you three would find it,” says Harry.

Wat?

They get the items needed for the spell together, including an empty paint can to contain the Harbinger’s primordial form (it was either that or a crushed beer can). The only thing they need is antibacterial gloves from Macy’s lab in order to keep them from catching the supernatural smallpox. As Macy leaves to go get the gloves, Connerparkerdude shows up with a box of fireworks for the float. Maggie thought it would be a good idea to take Angela there to do the spell why? He tells her she’s smarter than she knows or some other such contrived bullshit designed to get into her pants. They start making out. What a great Kappa sister Maggie is going to make! What a great boyfriend Connerparkerdude is!

When she goes back inside, Angela has just finished breaking out of her chains and is preparing to eat Harry’s face. Maggie quickly summons Charity, who uses some kind of purple lightning whip to re-trap Angela. She attempts to hand the sisters their ritual killing sticks, admonishing them that as soon as the moon is completely risen, the Harbinger will be unstoppable. But the sisters, having plenty of time to waste on theatrics, solemnly shake their heads and refuse to take the daggers. Mel gives her a ham-fisted speech about “You knew our mom, trust her,” and Charity tearfully nods, dropping the daggers to the ground.

Thus ensues the most cornily filmed scene of this entire show (so far). Hipster music begins playing, the girls say the spell, Angela begins thrashing, all complete with weird close-ups and jerky camera and slooooowwwww motiooooooon to try to distract from the fact that the effects on this show are effing TERRIBLE. Maggie lays her hands on Angela and begins psychically telling her to come out and it’s just so freaking corny, guys. “I’m not strong enough!” “No, Angela, that’s not your story!” *gag*

In the midst of this, detective partner shows up, looks through the window, sees lightning and a tornado and a demon coming out of Angela Wu’s mouth and thinks that the correct solution is to burst in with his gun drawn. Charity uses her magic to make his gun disintegrate, and he watches the exorcism, jaw dropped. So I’m thinking, “Okay, the detective guy knows about magic now, this is an interesting twist! Will they wipe his memory? Will he continue to be a thorn in their side all season, gradually uncovering the existence of magic? Will he somehow have something to do with Niko eventually learning about Mel’s powers?”

LMAO no. Because the camera pans to Angela puking out the demon, and when that’s done, they pan back and SUDDENLY THE DETECTIVE IS DEAD. WHAT? There’s a lead pipe across his chest. When did this happen? How did this happen? What killed him? Did the pipe hit him in the head or something? Like in the wind? But when the shitty special effects were going, the wind literally looked like it was just blowing confetti around. There did not appear to be anything dangerous flying around!

Charity says she’ll handle it, and the girls flee. Later Charity meets Mel in the attic and informs her that she disposed of his body in a way that will remove suspicion from the girls. Mel blames herself, but not enough to be sad about it for more than 15 seconds. Charity sends her downstairs, where she bonds with Angela, who has no memory of anything that happened over the last week, but is confident that whatever happened to her (she thinks she just had random blackouts from the time she woke up from her coma until now), she got through it because of these awesome sisters. Also, she seems to have no trouble adjusting to the existence of Macy, who was not there the last time she was conscious.

Episode wrap-up: More hipster music wails, Harry complains about tea because BRITISH, Maggie waggles her eyebrows and insinuates that Harry and Charity have a Thang going on, Charity takes the paint can to the mysterious other Elders (Silence!) and warns that there will be consequences for violating their orders even though she told them it was okay, Connerparkerdude comes over for Maggie’s tutoring session and she sends him away because Their Love Is A Mistake That Must Not Be Repeated Even If It Means She Fails World Lit, the girls all congratulate themselves on being the Best Witches Ever and that Mom Would Be So Proud, Niko comes over weeping that her partner hanged himself after evidence linking him to the Halloween murders emerged and she’s so upset because she thought he was her friend and Mel just stands there like a statue not reacting at all while her poor girlfriend is sobbing her eyeballs out, fuck this stupid show.

The episode ends with Charity in some?? Building?? With fluorescent pink and blue lighting?? I have no clue what this building is supposed to be or why she’s there??? She’s on a cell phone prattling to some other witch about how amazing the Charmed Ones are, they’re basically the best witches ever, while cradling the paint can with the Harbinger in it. Why? WHY NOT?!?!?!?! Some dude gets on the elevator with her and is like, “Would you mind” — glowing eyeballs — “switching paint cans with me?” And her eyeballs glow too and she just hands him the paint can with the Harbinger in it and off he goes.

Fin.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW? WHO WROTE THIS? THIS READS LIKE THE SORT OF SHIT I WROTE IN MY COMPOSITION BOOK IN SEVENTH GRADE! NOTHING MAKES SENSE! THE WAY PEOPLE REACT IS NOT REALISTIC AT ALL!

If I was more lucid, I would have a better wrap-up for you that more thoroughly dissects the fact that, just as with all SJW media, the characters on this show don’t seem to really make mistakes or face consequences for their actions, and this whole program seems to be a vehicle for feminist wish fulfillment where everyone thinks you’re awesome and even if some things go a little wrong, at the end of the day, you’re basically the best. But I don’t feel well enough for that. So, see you next week, guys!

The episode begins with the three sisters training in some sort of magical VR arena, and completely sucking at it. Maggie keeps stopping to text Regina George instead of paying attention to what she’s doing, which keeps leading to her getting stabbed by sharp projectiles. Fortunately, even though this is a simulation, she appears to really feel pain, which is good, because Jesus Christ, woman. I managed to pledge a sorority without being glued to my phone. It’s not that hard, really.

And it’s not just Maggie who’s being a great big failure. Macy, who had already “mastered” her powers thirty seconds after receiving them in the first episode, due to her advanced intellect and all, has now completely unmastered them. Apparently she is psyching herself out by overthinking everything. When she tries to lob a lead pipe at the simulated demon and fails, Mel decides she’s had enough of her sisters’ incompetence and whips out some kind of spell that makes the demon explode in a bright ray of light.

Before anyone is able to react to what Mel has just done, Harry appears and blows a whistle, ending the simulation. Apparently the spell she used is a Big No-No. When she smugly points out that she managed to kill the demon single-handedly, Harry counters that using that spell could have also killed her sisters. HA! As if Mel gives a shit about that, Harry. Nice try.

Mel retorts, “I’m a witch, Harry” — HA! HARRY POTTER REFERENCE! TOTALLY RELATABLE, RIGHT — and that she’s going to be the best witch in the world, no matter how hard the patriarchy tries to stop her.

Harry then launches into a speech about how the Harbinger of Hell is going to destroy the world, and they roll their eyes and walk away from him because that’s, like, so boring. Mel decides that she’s had enough of words; it’s time for action! She’s going to have to track down the Harbinger herself.

And the Harbinger may be closer than we think! Because, as you’ll remember from the last episode, Mysterious Coma Girl is now out of her coma. And she’s out for blood! And not just any blood — she needs a special kind of blood. Which is why she is lurking outside an MRA’s dorm room right now. There are posters with words like “Men Unite!” printed on them hangning on the wall, and he is busy recording a podcast: “Radical feminists have criminalized masculinity. They call it toxic. Why? Because they want all the power for themselves! And believe me, they have power. Some of these witches have more power than—”

Real dialogue alert: That’s the real dialogue.

Alex Jones, Jr. is cut off here by ravenous fangs to the throat. Because the Harbinger can’t survive on any ol’ kind of blood. It needs virgin blood. And we all know that any person spewing that kind of wrongthink is obviously an incel!

Back at the sisters’ house, Mel is in the attic asking Magical Siri The Book of Shadows how she can find the Harbinger of Hell. She is interrupted, though, by Niko, who I guess Mel forgot was sleeping over that night. The scissoring must have been quite forgettable. Niko says that Mel wasn’t in bed when her alarm went off, so she went looking for her. Mel fobs her off with some gratuitous lesbian liplock. They then go downstairs, where Macy is making eggs for breakfast the magical way, which looks a little something like that scene in Sleeping Beauty where the fairies have to use magic to bake Briar Rose’s birthday cake because they’re too inept to cook like humans. Niko walks in, nearly catching the levitating eggs, but Macy quickly drops them all to the floor, so now she just looks like a clumsy moron.

Mel hastens Niko out the door, lamenting that she doesn’t like keeping secrets from her. But there’s no time for that — she discovered a spell that will lure all demons within a 26-mile radius to them, and all they have to do is sacrifice a goat. Macy is Not Down for that. She has a better idea. A Scientific idea: MORE BAKING SUPPLIES! The black blob, after all, contained sulfuric acid, and everyone knows what happens when you combine sulfuric acid and sugar! At this point I’m convinced that the target demographic for this show is third graders, which is why they’re including so much elementary school “science”.

This turns out to be perfect, because it’s Halloween. The girls decide to hand out candy to everyone they come across on campus and see if anyone has a reaction to it. Macy offers to bake cookies as well so that she can ensure the sugar ratio is precise. Maggie will not be participating in this, though, because she has to go to work. Apparently she has a job, which she is using to pay her exorbitant Kappa fees.

At the café where she works, we see an angry old white man yelling at her for being out of chicken sandwiches. She explains that the delivery truck broke down, but the man is having none of her excuses. Luckily for Maggie, a white knight swoops in to save her. He is a very ugly person that I am pretty positive is Chelsea’s ugly boyfriend from Days of Our Lives circa 2008, but my sister is insistent that this guy is even uglier and also too young. Days of Our Lives boy drives off the offending misogynist with quippy one-liners and Grey’s Anatomy references, leaving Maggie’s genitals tingling. I guess this guy is her love interest now? What was the point of the other guy, then…?

Also at the café are Regina George and the other Plastics, sipping mimosas and discussing the school’s fascist booze ban and how it should be rescinded now that Mysterious Coma Girl is awake. If only they could find an off-campus venue for their Halloween mixer, so that Gretchen can wear her slutty baby costume without inhibition!

Luckily for them, Maggie is all too willing to oblige. She offers her family home up to the Kappas as tribute in order to make them like her again. This will definitely go fine and not have any unintended consequences.

Meanwhile, on campus, Mel is handing out Macy’s cookies to anyone and everyone who passes her by, in regular, vegan, and gluten-free varieties. When a student walks into the classroom talking about Mysterious Coma Girl being out of her coma, Mel freezes time so she can grab his phone, which he had open to her Facebook page, so she can look at it for more information. Harry comes bursting in, telling her that she’s not supposed to be using her powers frivolously. This leaves me with a lot of questions: How big of a radius is her time-freezing? Does she freeze the whole world? When she freezes time, it has no effect on her sisters or on Harry. But what about everyone else? Does the whole planet freeze except for other witches, who then grind their teeth in aggravation when she’s freezing time every other minute?

Harry tells Mel he thought they agreed she wouldn’t use her magic so recklessly. Mel retorts that he mansplained to her that she shouldn’t use her magic, which she chose to ignore because she’s destined to be one of the greatest witches of all time and she needs to take some initiative. He tells her that if she’s not in the exact position she was in when she unfreezes time and someone notices she keeps moving irregularly and figures it out, it could cause a major issue in the magical world. She retorts that he’s being paranoid. Before he can keep arguing, she informs him that Mysterious Coma Girl has awakened from her coma, and she appears to have done so on the night they found the black ooze residue.

Harry: “She could be the Harbinger’s vessel!”

Mel: “Please do not take credit for my ideas, white man.”

Real dialogue alert: That’s the real dialogue.

Mel then informs him that since she has solved the mystery single-handedly, she will handle the demon single-handedly as well. Harry tells her this is a bad idea, she tells him to get fucked, so he places a bracelet on her wrist that will alert him every time she uses her magic so he can ensure that she’s not causing problems.

So… I guess… she doesn’t freeze the whole world? But just a radius of uncertain size. I feel like in the original Charmed there was an episode where Holly Marie Combs freezes the kitchen in her restaurant, but they show that people outside the kitchen aren’t affected. So I guess it’s something like that…?

Mel is enraged that he has slapped her with the equivalent of a patriarchal chastity belt, but as she is unable to do anything about it, there’s nothing to do but train her face back into its typical scowl and unfreeze time.

Over in the Generic Science Lab, Macy is watching Friendzone and some of their other coworkers goofing off in their Halloween costumes — a group DNA helix. The helix is missing cytosine, however, because the person who was supposed to be that called out sick. Friendzone asks Macy why she didn’t dress up, and when she says she was embarrassed, he makes her a cytosine sign, so that she can be part of their group.

SHE COMPLETES HIM! *gag*

He asks her out, she naturally rebuffs him and runs away. Outside, she calls Maggie and tells her what happened, which Maggie “Hilltowne Bicycle” Vera finds absurd. As they chat, Macy is stalked by Mysterious Coma Girl, aka the Virgin Vampire, but is saved by the distraction of a Christian Purity activist who will make a yummy snack, and then by the further distraction of Melanie “Demon Hunter” Vera waylaying her.

Mel and Mysterious Coma Girl/Virgin Vampire (known in her human form as Angela Wu) return to Angela’s dorm to catch up. Mel repeatedly offers her a cookie, baked from their mother’s secret recipe. Finally, Virgin Vampire realizes she’s not going to go away until she eats one. When she doesn’t explode or start coughing up blood, Mel determines that Angela can’t be the Harbinger’s host and leaves. Aha! But! As soon as she’s gone, Angela puts her arm… down her own throat… and pulls out the cookie… whole and unchewed. BUT I JUST SAW HER CHEWING IT! WHAT?

Once the cookie is disposed of, she goes to her mini fridge, where the MRA’s blood is neatly stored in water bottles, along with his head. You know. I guess in case she gets the munchies and wants his eyeballs for a snack.

Outside Angela’s dorm, Mel runs into Niko, who is checking up on the disappearance of MRA. She wants to know why Mel was visiting Angela, because at this point, due to Mel’s weird behavior of late, Niko has become convinced that Mel is running some kind of Nancy Drew investigation into her mom’s death, which had been ruled accidental by the Hilltowne PD. Mel assures her that she is not, and Niko says, “Then why do I get the feeling that you’re hiding something?” Mel freezes time so she can confess the truth to Niko’s frozen form. Harry gets a ping and comes zipping in to chew her out for using her powers frivolously again and reminds her that she’s not allowed to tell Niko she’s a witch, which makes the veins on Mel’s forehead start throbbing to the beat of “Closer” by Tegan and Sara.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Maggie is decorating for the mixer. It looks really cute, especially considering that the decorations were purchased on Halloween itself, when they should have been very difficult to come by. But Maggie is not satisfied. This will never impress Regina George. Because reasons…? It seriously looks cute. You’re not going to get better than this in terms of sorority party decor. Trust me. This is actually pretty impressive for a mixer where everyone’s sole focus is going to be getting as shitfaced as possible as quickly as possible. Nevertheless, Maggie decides the decor needs more oomph, so she starts digging through the Book of Shadows and comes across a glamour spell, which makes the decorations look… the same…? Maybe this is why I never made it anywhere in my sorority, since I can’t tell the difference between fancy decorations and regular decorations. Well, never made it anywhere beyond chapter vice-president and alumnae association president. Hmm.

Macy returns home with supplies to bake more cookies, but she’s starting to get fed up with having to stuff everyone she comes across with sugar and would like to fall back on Harry’s original plan for the Elders to be the ones to track the Harbinger. (They keep talking about the Elders, but at this point they have never appeared — are they in Hilltowne? Are they far away? Are they on another plane of existence? Are they even real at all? Does it turn out that, like Robin Masters, the Elders will be Harry all along? Regardless, whenever they talk about the Elders, my brain is like, “SILENCE!”) Mel, still pissed off at Harry about the chastity bracelet and the whole “You can never tell Niko you’re a witch” thing, screeches at her that the wamen don’t need a man for help, but Macy calls Harry anyway. Mel and Harry immediately start arguing, and when Macy asks what the deal is, Mel goes:

“Our Whitelighter, the head of the Women’s Studies Department, put a tracker on me to alert him when I use my magic because he’s threatened by the idea of a powerful woman.”

To which Harry responds:

“Now, hold on a minute. That last part is fake news.”

At which point my sister and I — she was watching this one with me for moral support — had to pause the episode so that we could howl like coyotes because are you kidding me? Why does Harry always get the stupidest lines? Answer: because he’s a penis.

In the midst of this witty repartee, Macy’s phone goes off. Friendzone texted her to say he’s looking forward to coming to her party that evening, and thanks for the invite. Macy realizes that Maggie must be up to something, and she flings open the front door to find…

…the house decorated, but not in an overtly supernatural way? I mean, there’s not candelabras hovering in midair or rooms that seem to expand in length as you stand in them. It’s just, you know. Heavily decorated.

Maggie descends down the stairs in a diaphanous purple prom dress, because I guess her Halloween costume is… prom dress? And informs her sisters that this is NOT a sorority thing, even though it looks that way; she was thinking that if they had a huge party that most of the campus attended and required everyone who enters to take a cookie, that it would be easier than chasing around all the undergrads on campus. Everyone, including Harry, grudgingly admits that this is a good idea, and it’s all systems go for the Halloween party.

During the party, Harry catches Maggie using the glamour spell and informs her that magic isn’t supposed to be used for personal gain. If she does it too often, it will throw the universe out of balance with dire consequences. Maggie naturally blows him off, because across the room she spots Macy in her costume.

SHE’S RUTH BADER GINSBURG!

Maggie has an absolute stroke and drags her sister upstairs to change her into something sexier. Macy is adamantly opposed to wearing anything that shows off too much skin. When Maggie demands to know what her problem is, the somber piano music starts playing. It’s time for a Serious Talk about Real Issues.

“When I was in ninth grade, my dad sent me to boarding school in Connecticut,” Macy tells Maggie. “In a class of a hundred kids, only two of us weren’t white. In that type of environment, you have to solidify what type of minority you were before they decided for you. So my friend Tasha became the sexy funny one, and I was always the smart serious one. I played that part for so long that I don’t know how to be anyone else.”

Actual footage of my sister and me here.

After we recover from this, Maggie informs Macy that she’s both serious and sexy, both smart and funny. Then she uses the glamour to turn Macy’s costume into a Greek goddess. After that spiel, I assumed that she was supposed to be Athena, goddess of wisdom. Then she comes downstairs and Friendzone surmises that she is Persephone, goddess of the underworld. I… okay? Friendzone, meanwhile, is dressed as James Bond, as portrayed by Idris Elba — the way it was always meant to be.

No, I’m not kidding around here. THIS IS THE REAL DIALOGUE. If there’s a message they want you to get, they will beat you over the head with a goddamn sledgehammer to ensure that you Get It, okay?

Friendzone asks her out, but before she can answer, Mel drags her away, screaming, “SISTER EMERGENCY!” Niko has been called away from the party to investigate the death of Purity Christian, and offhandedly mentioned to Mel on her way out the door that there had been three deaths on campus in the last twenty-four hours: MRA (I guess they found the rest of his body), Purity Christian, and a nun in the campus ministry. Mel has connected the dots and figured out that the Harbinger must be a Virgin Vampire. (Here is where she also spoon-feeds us the information that the MRA must have been an incel, even explaining what incel stands for, to ensure that YOU GET IT! YOU GOT THAT, RIGHT? GOT IT? OKAY? DID YOU UNDERSTAND? ARE WE CLEAR HERE? I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND THE JOKE—)

Fearing that there may be virgins present at the party, which is far too overcrowded for them to keep a good eye on, the sisters decide to place a protection ward around the house, which will keep the demon from entering the party. But as they split up to fetch the ingredients for the spell, Angela enters, dressed in a costume that Resembles-But-Is-Legally-Distinct-From Samara from The Ring. It is Too Late.

Harry and Mel scramble to get the exterior of the house prepped for the spell. As they do so, they bicker incessantly about wah wah chastity bracelet, wah wah you don’t understand me. Mel laments that it would be easier if she could tell Niko the truth about her magic, so that they could help each other with this whole Virgin Vampire thing. Harry says he’s sorry if he’s caused trouble between Mel and the woman she’s dating.

Mel is offended by his choice of words. “SHE’S MORE THAN THAT! I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND!!” She launches into a tirade that seems to start out as accusing Harry of being a homophobe, but then veers aburptly and morphs into, “I never had to be in the closet because my mom was the perfect tolerant hippie, but now by having to lie to my girlfriend, it’s like I’m in the closet.” She seems to be taking this as a sort of personal oppression that she is being forced through specifically because she’s a lesbian, despite the fact that her straight sisters are in the exact same boat.

Before Harry can respond, Maggie and Macy hurry out with the rest of the ingredients for the spell. They cast it… but it has no effect. You know what that means!

The sisters realize that the demon is already inside, and they’re going to have to lure it out. Macy has the perfect bait: how better to lure a Virgin Vampire than with… a virgin?!

Maggie: “OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS”

Macy leads her sisters into the Mysterious Woods, marking the trees with bloody handprints every few feet. As they go, they discuss this Shocking News that their 28-year-old sister is still a virgin. Mel chimes in that she had sex with a guy once, and that Macy isn’t missing much, conclusively proving once and for all that John Titor really is the writer of this show after all, and furthermore taking the “but does scissoring count” factor out of the discussion, thus rendering moot the necessity to explain Niko’s strap-on and which of them is the bottom in that situation.

Macy is understandably embarrassed, pointing out that part of the reason she doesn’t like to tell people she’s a virgin is because people react like this. Maggie and Mel are quick to defend themselves, with Mel asserting, “The concept of virginity is really just a tool of the patriarchy to control women’s sexuality.”

Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.

They await the demon in a clearing in the woods, where Harry informs them that they will only get one chance at this binding spell and they can’t afford any juvenile mistakes. Everyone looks at Maggie. But then… Samara Angela arrives! At this point the show abandons any and all attempts to make this Resemble-But-Be-Legally-Distinct-From, and goes full-blown Ringu. The jerky walk, the hair over the face, it’s all there.

After a brief moment of “WTF” from Mel at Angela having eaten the cookie but still being the Harbinger somehow, the sisters quickly begin their binding spell. Buuuut when it gets to be Maggie’s turn, she passes out, on account of all the glamouring spells she’d done throughout the evening. Harry yells for Macy to run, and Virgin Vampire goes tearing after her.

Maggie comes to, and after a brief chiding from Harry, she turns off all the glamours she’d activated throughout the night. She reverts from Prom Queen to Sweatpant Chic. In the woods, Macy has reverted to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, which actually is probably easier to run in than the Greek goddess costume, especially since she can yank the robe off and reveal sweats underneath as well. An adrenaline-filled chase scene ensues, and then… Maggie hits Angela over the head with a log and she and Macy start talking about their goddamn feelings. Which means that Angela comes to right as Mel bursts into the clearing and sees Angela preparing to sink her fangs into Macy from behind while Macy and Maggie prattle like bimbos. Mel immediately launches into the Big No-No spell from the beginning of the episode, which Harry said could kill anyone in the vicinity of the demon, including her sisters.

Which means…

Harry uses his healing powers, which brings Macy back to life. Mel apologizes and… Macy immediately forgives her. NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE? NO WORRIES! IT’S ALL GOOD, SIS.

Angela, meanwhile, was knocked unconscious but neither she nor the demon possessing her are dead. Harry says that the Elders (Silence!) will want to weigh in, and instructs the girls to go clear out the house while he binds the unconscious demon. In a moment of uncharacteristic humility, Mel apologizes to Harry and says he was right, she was being reckless with her powers. Harry, being a spineless, flaccid penis in this Woke Feminist Programme™, immediately tells her that there’s no need to apologize, because she was right — she managed to bring down an immensely powerful demon single-handedly, she was the first to suspect Angela Wu to begin with (since, you know, she was the first one of the four to learn that Angela was out of her Mysterious Coma, which wasn’t exactly rocket science, but don’t take credit for her ideas, white man), and basically she’s the brightest witch of her age.

So, you know. No damage to Mel’s ego there.

Harry also reveals that the reason he’s so hard on her is because he has a Tragic Past: The first witch he supervised when he became a Whitelighter was similarly stubborn to Mel. She revealed her powers to someone she believed she could trust, and that person squealed like a dirty rat. The woman was sent to an insane asylum, believed to have schizophrenia, and eventually committed suicide. Mel insists that Niko isn’t like that, and Harry says that after the issue with the Harbinger is resolved, he will petition the Elders (Silence!) for permission to tell Niko the truth. He also removes the chastity bracelet.

Meanwhile, Macy and Maggie are back at the house. Macy immediately throws herself on Friendzone and begs him to deflower her so she doesn’t have to go through a life-threatening experience like that again. Maggie, on the other hand, has to do damage control because the house reverted to its original state and somehow the party-goers were sober enough to notice, by far the most implausible aspect of this episode. Regina George is predictably bitchy about it, but Maggie makes up some excuse about how it was supposed to be Cinderella-themed and everything changed back into a pumpkin at midnight, which is also why she’s now scrubbed out in sweats and has a wart on her chin. Regina George is apparently at least drunk enough to buy that, and Maggie’s Kappa status is preserved for another day.

As they chat, Days of Our Lives boy from the beginning of the episode shows up. (There was another scene with him and Maggie earlier in the party but it’s boring so I didn’t recap it.) Regina George promptly begins rubbing her scent all over him and informs Maggie that this is Parker, her boyfriend.

DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNNNN

After Mel finishes hanging her costume up in her closet (gratuitous shot of her bedroom so you can see the giant Puerto Rican flag she has hanging on her wall), the three sisters meet Harry in the attic, where Virgin Vampire/Harbinger/Mysterious Coma Girl/Angela Wu/Whoever the Fuck She Is is chained up, shrieking like a banshee. Harry tells them that the Elders (Silence!) are coming, but that they may be a while, so in the meantime, it will be the girls’ responsibility to guard her.

(Seriously, who the hell are these Elders? Where are they? Harry can just apparate in and out at the drop of a hat. These people were supposed to be close enough that they were able to be searching for the Harbinger’s vessel, right? So where the hell are they? Why is it going to take them a few days to get here? Why do they think it’s acceptable to just leave the most powerful demon of the underworld chained in some 20-something-year-old girls’ attic, especially considering that these girls clearly have no clue what the fuck they’re doing? Remember the 90s, when shows started with relatively low stakes and then built up to the “save the world” shit for the season finale?)

The episode ends with this charming image:

And there you have it! Woke Charmed, episode 3. After somewhat of a respite last week, it was refreshing to return to being spoon-fed social justice. Women’s rights are human rights? Anti-feminists are all incels? Notorious RBG? We’ve got it all! This show is still relevant, goddammit!

I haven’t seen all of next week’s episode yet because it was so stupid it made cerebrospinal fluid start leaking from my sinuses. So you can bet it will be a doozy! See you all then!