We begin with Mel drinking alone in her bed. Her sisters come in and tell her she can’t keep hiding out and sulking, she needs to go face the world. I would like to remind them that due to her fucking with the fabric of time and space, Mel now no longer has a job, so what reason is there, really, for her to get out and face the world? Perhaps hunting for a new job, but lol, of course they don’t suggest that. They just want her to be social, because I guess the house they inherited from their hippie mother was mortgage-free, and no one’s taken capital gains tax or property tax or utilities or groceries or anything like that into consideration.
Mel drunkenly slurs that she hasn’t just been self-medicating and wallowing in self-pity; she’s been doing research, goddammit. She’s found a lead on the marks that were found on their mother’s and the other dead Elders’ bodies. They’re called Lichtenberg figures. Macy, being a Scientist, has heard of these. They’re associated with high-voltage electricity and are found on people or places that have been struck by lightning.
Mel found 893 demons in the Book of Shadows associated with electricity and/or lightning, which makes it difficult to narrow down Whodunit. Is that what we’re doing now? Is this some sort of magical crime procedural, and we’re looking for demonic suspects? I don’t understand how the logic on this show works.
Anyway, we don’t have time to worry about stuff like that. What we need is a good old-fashioned girls’ night out. Because Mel hasn’t been doing enough drinking. So Macy and Maggie drag her out of bed and haul her off to the thematically-named Haunt, a Halloween-themed bar that they’ve apparently been going to all this time but this is the first time we’ve heard of it. Maggie toasts her sisters, calling them bitches. Mel finds this offensive from a feminist perspective, but Maggie is like, “No, it’s code! Since I can’t say the W-word.”
Wamen?
Harry (who’s suddenly there—wasn’t this supposed to be a girls’ night?) comments that he will miss their inane chatter once the Elders deem that it’s time for him to move out of their house. Mel asks if this will be soon, since they have the Book of Shadows back now. Why…?
Why am I even asking why?
Maggie takes the opportunity to pout about how it’s Initiation Week, and if she hadn’t gotten kicked out of Kappa, she’d have been a full-fledged sister soon. Mel takes the opportunity to remind her that Greek life is toxic. I take the opportunity to remind you all that Maggie’s supposed to be a freshman and here she is in yet another bar drinking alcoholic beverages with her sisters (and Harry). Macy takes the opportunity to remind the viewers that also, Friendzone was marked by a demon and she can’t find the mark in the Book of Shadows. Harry takes the opportunity to warn her that there have been several recent instances of humans being marked by demons as “part of a seemingly larger plan.”
Okay.
Now that we’re done reminding everybody about what happened last episode, the waitress comes by with the check and Mel, whose shirt is inside out because so great is her depression, asks someone to pay for her because being jobless also means she’s money-less, the first acknowledgment of money this show has made. Harry tells her that he learned about an opening in the administrative department at the university and that he pulled some strings and got her an interview. Mel groans about this being a glorified secretarial job and it’s so sexist that she as a waman is expected to fill such a stereotypically “traditionally female” job. Everyone tells her she needs a job/to get out of the house and to shut the fuck up.
While she grumbles that she’ll go to the interview but that doesn’t mean she’ll deign to take the job, Regina George and the other Plastics strut in and give Maggie the bitch stare. Maggie decides to bring them a pitcher of skinny mojitos as a peace offering. Regina George dumps it out over Maggie’s head. Mel freezes time before the liquid makes contact with Maggie, though. Maggie tells her to let her take her punishment like a good little bitch. Macy intervenes by moving the pitcher slightly so that when time unfreezes, it looks like Regina just missed, and the booze dumps out all over Maggie’s boots instead of her head. Regina says “I meant to do that” and does this really weird thing where she makes the OK gesture, but with both hands in front of her face like a Junior Birdman or something.
After the sisters leave, Gretchen admonishes Regina that she is forgetting the Kappa motto: WWGPD? Regina responds that even Gwyneth Paltrow has her limits.
Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.
Karen tells Regina that her vibe has seemed way off recently, and that she needs to find her zen, stat (Real Dialogue Alert). Regina takes this advice to heart, returning to the house and searching through a storage closet through the 80,000 ritual candles for something scented and calming. She needs some damn serenity. (RDA) Near the back of the shelf, she encounters an ornate blue ceramic candlestick, which she takes to… the Buddhist temple in the basement of the Kappa house? What the fuck is this? There’s like a mosaic tile fountain in the background and palm trees and dildo candelabras and shit.
Anyway, she lights the weird candle, sits down in the lotus position, and then the greatest scene of the entire series ensues, as the peaceful flute music playing in the background is interrupted by her taking out her AirPods, looking up at the ceiling from which loud voices and thrumming bass can be heard, and screeching, “KEEP IT DOWN, BETCHES, I’M GETTING MY ZEN ON IN HERE!”
She settles back in for a good, peaceful omm, and the lights flicker. A ghostly specter emerges from the candle, flying around Regina in circles before soaring out of the room and flying all over the house, knocking over knickknacks and causing general mayhem before settling into the TV. Ah, so now the Kappa house is possessed, excellent.
Over at the Generic Science Lab, a crew of Walmart employees is moving in a bunch of boxes as Macy comes in the door. She’s approached by an aging bald white man named Dr. Kevorkian or Dr. Gregorian or something like that, who hands her a clipboard with a waiver for a blood test mandated by the new sponsors of the lab, the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys. Purportedly this is a drug test, but since Epigenetic Demon Guy said last episode he wanted Charmed One DNA samples, we know better than that.
Across the lab, Friendzone is speaking to one of the Walmart employees. As they talk, he lifts up his shirt to scratch his side. Macy sees that the not-succubus mark on him is glowing and getting brighter. She texts Harry, who tells her that she needs to stick close to Friendzone and watch out for demonic activity. Thus, she invites herself to his birthday party. Friendzone tries to explain to Macy the concept of “you’re not invited, though.” She tells him she’ll bake something for the occasion.
Over at the Kappa house, the doorbell rings. Regina George answers it to find Maggie standing there wearing whatever the fuck this is:
Regina tries to explain to Maggie the concept of “I don’t ever want to see you again.” Maggie, like a true stalkery ex-girlfriend, tells Regina that she’s never going to give up. Through the television screen, I try to explain to Regina the concept of a Persona Non Grata form, and how campus police can be summoned if she tries to break it. Before I can finish my sentence, Go-Go’s-era Belinda Carlisle appears behind Regina’s shoulder tells Maggie she needs to leave. Instead of acknowledging that she’s not wanted here, Maggie drags Belinda’s 80s Chic fashion sense, almost as if she hasn’t seen herself in the mirror today, and demands to know who she is. Regina reminds Maggie that Belinda is a Kappa sister—a very important one. Well, obviously. If she’s ever been in a grocery store, she’s heard Belinda’s dulcet tones over the loudspeaker. Does she or does she not remember that heaven is a place on Earth?
But Maggie has never seen Belinda before! Dun dun dunnnnn
With Maggie neatly disposed of, Belinda leads Regina into the TV room, asking her if she’s psyched for Hell Week. You know, all this stuff that the sorority on this show does is fraternity stuff, by the way. Good fucking luck hazing your pledges with National Panhellenic Conference looming over your shoulders. But regardless, HELL WEEK PUNS! Regina is like, “YASSS KWEEN!” (Real Dialogue Alert.) She goes to high-five Belinda, who fritzes out like a bad VHS recording, but Regina doesn’t notice.
Wait, you guys don’t think Belinda Carlisle is a demon, do you?
Back at the sisters’ house, Maggie is laptop surfing instead of helping Mel pick out an outfit for her secretary (ugh) interview. When Mel calls her out on it, Maggie tells her that she thinks something is up at Kappa.
Mel: “Agreed. They’re internalizing the patriarchy, for starters.” (Real Dialogue Alert)
Maggie explains that Belinda can’t be a real Kappa sister, because during her first week as a pledge she had to memorize the names of all the active sisters (+ their majors + favorite order at Starbucks) and she wasn’t one. But no worries, after 30 seconds of searching with only a first name to go on, she finds a newspaper scan revealing that Belinda was a freshman who died after drinking too many wine coolers and falling off the roof of the Kappa house back in 1989.
Belinda is a ghost?! What?! Wouldn’t have guessed that! Dun dun dunnnnnnn
Harry warns them that ghosts can be more dangerous than demons. (Which reminds me, Harry, what about you??) Mel and Maggie head off to go consult Magical Siri about the ghost, which should take about 30 seconds considering this show’s track record. While they handle that, Harry offers to escort Macy to Friendzone’s party in an attempt to make it less awkward. Yeah, that will work.
As predicted, Mel and Maggie find the spell they need instantly. In order to exorcise the ghost, they have to find the moment from her life that’s keeping her tied to this world. They perform the spell, which sends them back in time to the Hilltowne University of 1989, which looks a little something like this:
But it’s not all bad, there’s also this:
Mel is extremely triggered by this display, by the way. It’s an “Aerobics for Alzheimer’s” charity. Maggie comments that the campus now holds a “Pilates for Poverty” charity that’s the same idea. Mel rages that it’s a farce of a fundraiser designed specifically for the male gaze, so creepy frat guys can ogle them. Maggie says it’s not like that now. Mel gives her a “Bitch, please” face. I guess Mel has forgotten that she’s a lesbian and thus this display is also for her benefit.
Across the quad, Maggie spots Belinda and hurries over to find her in the midst of an argument with 1989’s Regina George. 1989!Regina tells Belinda that she’s no longer a pledge of Kappa, something she thought she made very clear on her answering machine, okay? (RDA) Kappas combine the class of Princess Di with the sass of Duchess Fergie, and Belinda SO does not. (RDA) Belinda says she thought that was a pledge prank. 1989!Regina tells her she’d never be so cruel to a pledge, but Belinda’s not one anymore, so it’s okay. When Belinda blinks at her, 1989!Regina explains, “Brenda, you’re bugging, and it’s skeeving the whole chapter out.” (RDA) I think that clears everything right up.
This interesting excursion into the darkest corners of 80s slang is interrupted when Maggie and Mel spot Dead Hippie Mom, now currently not dead and, in fact, just about to pop with Macy, sitting on a bench across the quad beside the living Portrait of Señora de Urcola in a Black Mantilla. Dead Hippie Mom is telling the Señora about a recent checkup she had, in which the obstetrician assured her that everything was fine, but the obstetrician doesn’t know, you know? The Señora assures her that it doesn’t matter that she’s a witch (so I guess the Señora is also one), she just has first-time mom jitters. No, Dead Hippie Mom responds; remember, she’s not just a witch, but a witch who can see the future. And she has an unshakable feeling that there’s something wrong—really wrong—with the baby.
Dun dun duuuuu—
As Maggie and Mel stare slack-jawed at their mother, Belinda runs away from 1989!Regina George, passing through them with that same VCR-glitch effect, and the sisters are sent back to the future. Whoopsie! By getting distracted by their mom, they missed out on the rest of the conversation that was supposed to tell them what was keeping Belinda trapped here on Earth. Unless, you know, it really was the whole “bugging and skeeving” thing.
But it’s okay, because Maggie turns the page in the Book of Shadows, and since on the next page it talks about banshees, she decides that this means Belinda is a banshee. I’m sorry, what is your evidence for this? Have you heard her screaming and wailing to wake the dead? Has her appearance heralded the death of someone else? Has her screaming and wailing caused someone to die? Has she, with one crook of her bony finger, summoned the Cóiste Bodhar? The only thing we possibly have to go on is that the real Belinda Carlisle is a singer, and guess what, that’s just my code name for her! This bitch is actually named Brenda Mancini, so so much for that.
Mel thinks it would be just desserts if they didn’t banish the Belinda Banshee, because, being a feminist who supports other wamen, she thinks the Kappas deserve to be punished for not conforming to her ideals of wamenhood. Maggie ignores her, snapping a picture of the banishing spell on her phone like the uncanny millennial that she is, and they head off to save the day.
Meanwhile, Macy and Harry have arrived at Friendzone’s party. Harry is literally dressed like Harry Potter. Since Macy burned her pie earlier, Harry has come bearing Welsh rarebit. This elicits all sorts of jokes of the high caliber you’ve come to expect from this show. But never fear! Friendzone’s Practically Perfect in Every Way new girlfriend, Summer, runs over squealing, “Welsh rarebit? I practically lived on the stuff during my semester abroad at Cambridge!”
Jesus CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST
Summer gushes to Macy that Harry is a keeper. Harry and Macy awkwardly stammer that they’re friends! Just friends! Just friends, I swear. Just friends. As Summer backs slowly away from them, Macy asks Harry if he thinks that went well. Harry responds, “I wouldn’t know. I’m British, awkward is kind of our thing.”
Real Dialogue Alert: That was—
Across the room, Friendzone is changing a lightbulb (?), conveniently making his shirt go up. Macy points out the demon mark, but Harry can’t see it, just like Maggie couldn’t last episode. Before he can comment further on this, Summer darts into the frame, glaring at Macy for staring at Her Man. Are we still sure she’s not a succubus?
Later, Macy is admiring all the photos of Friendzone that Summer assembled for the party. In one of them, he’s hugging his grandma, who is wearing a cowrie shell necklace. Macy realizes that the mark she’s seeing on Friendzone looks like a stylized cowrie shell. Friendzone comes over, sees her looking at the picture, and takes the opportunity to brag about his marginalized backgrounds: Haitian, Dominican, Puerto Rican, you name an island in the Caribbean Sea and he’s got a relative from there. And also pirates. Arrrrr—
Summer interrupts this fascinating discussion, sending Friendzone off to deal with yet another maintenance issue (what kind of dump did he rent for this party, anyway?) and telling Macy to Back the Fuck Off Her Man. Macy starts whimpering and tells Harry she wants to leave. Harry protests that they’re about to start karaoke, but one death glare from Macy puts the wayward Whitelighter back in his place. No joy for you, Harry.
Meanwhile, Maggie and Mel are breaking into the Kappa house. Once inside, they find the house dark and all active sisters locked in a closet, bound and gagged. Maggie frees Gretchen, who informs her that that “that crazy bitch” Belinda did this to them and then kidnapped Regina George. The other Kappas affirm that they’d never seen Belinda before, meaning that Regina George is the only one Belinda had somehow mind-controlled into believing she was a Kappa. Gretchen and Karen explain that they heard Belinda saying she was going to use Regina to get revenge on someone for their treachery. Mel and Maggie deduce that Belinda is planning to possess Regina and use her body to enact revenge on 1989!Regina.
Mel and Maggie call Harry to wipe the Kappas’ memories. Maggie tracks down the sorority composite from 1989 and discovers that 1989!Regina’s name was Jenna Gordonson. Harry, still sulking about missing out on karaoke, reluctantly uses his professorial credentials to get into the alumni database and track down Jenna’s address. Of course she still lives locally, because it turns out that Hilltowne, Michigan is actually the Hotel California—you can graduate anytime you like, but you can never leave.
Once Maggie and Mel head off in search of Jenna, Harry apparates back to the sisters’ attic, where Macy is reading about cowrie shells in the Book of Shadows. The Book states that cowrie shells are used as emblems of protection against demons and other magical dangers. She explains to Harry that she thinks that Friendzone’s mark is a cowrie shell, and Harry speculates that maybe Macy, the Spicy Afro-Caribbean Witch that she is, may have unconsciously placed the mark on Friendzone herself when she kissed him (apparently there was no deflowering), and that her own protective spell is what caused Friendzone to separate from her after that night.
Macy says she thinks her own standoffishness is what really drove Friendzone away from her. She and Harry have a moment. I ship it?
And then Macy friendzones him. AHAHAHAHAHA THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN SHE FRIENDZONES HIM AFTER BEMOANING FRIENDZONING FRIENDZONE
Macy then has an epiphany, remembering that Friendzone’s grandma, who in the photo was wearing the cowrie shell that made Macy think the symbol was a cowrie shell to begin with, was from Haiti, and that the cowrie shell being used for protection was a Haitian thing. Wow, so you’re saying that maybe the Haitian is Haitian and the cowrie shell is a cowrie shell? Amazing. She and Harry look up a practitioner of Haitian witchcraft on Yelp, and they decide to go check her out.
Meanwhile, over at Jenna Gordonson’s apartment, Jenna is not dead yet—which Mel points out aloud, to Jenna’s face, which doesn’t make Jenna suspicious in any way. Maggie assures Jenna that she and Mel are reporters from Buzzfeed, and that they’re there to do an article about the Ten Spookiest Deaths in the Greek System. They, of course, are referring to Belinda, but Jenna reveals that she wasn’t the only girl who’s died that way. Apparently it’s relatively common for Kappa sisters to climb up on the roof while drunk and fall, but the alumnae board covers up the sorority connection so that it doesn’t make Kappa look dangerous. However, Mel and Maggie make the connection that Belinda was the first death, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that it’s been her ghost responsible for all these deaths over all these years.
Mel asks Jenna for more information about Belinda—she says she knows she was bullied and kicked out of her pledge class, but Jenna cuts her off here. She says Belinda wasn’t bullied, she was the bully. She’d gained a reputation during her pledge period for being manipulative and cruel, but the final straw had been when she began sleeping with a string of other sisters’ boyfriends. Jenna had cut her from the pledge process because, you know, she was a hosebeast, and in retaliation, Belinda had broken into the house and climbed up on the roof to hang a banner calling the Kappas a bunch of cunts. She had also stolen the candle that had been meant to be her initiation candle, which is the candle that Regina George lit at the beginning of the episode, thus summoning her spirit. Unfortunately, Belinda had been drunk while trying to hang the banner, which caused her to lose her balance and fall to her death.
Mel freezes time and tells Maggie that if Belinda died in anger rather than sorrow, she would have become a revenant, not a banshee. They realize she’s been killing Kappa sisters for years, making them die the same way she died. And they realize she’s not planning to use Regina’s body to kill Jenna—she’s going to kill Regina for having slighted Maggie the same way Belinda feels she was slighted.
Back at Kappa, Regina is on the roof complaining that wine coolers taste like cough drops. Belinda tells her to shut up and chug, loser.
Mel and Maggie call Harry, who is on a date with Macy in the Haitian witch priestess’ nail salon (after all, we all have day jobs). Harry asks Macy if she can handle the witch priestess solo. Macy agrees, and as soon as Harry disappears, the witch priestess, who is named Mama Roz because of course she is, comes sauntering out from the back room. It’s $20 for ten minutes, and she has bills to pay, so fork it over, bitch.
Macy shows Mama Roz the mark she saw on Friendzone. Mama Roz tells her it’s a sign to stay away. Macy asks if it’s because she could be leading Friendzone into danger, but Mama Roz tells her that the mark appeared on Friendzone as a warning to Macy, a sign to protect her rather than him, and that Friendzone could be endangering her. Mama Roz also says that Macy has the Ibi in her. When Macy asks what this means, Mama Roz is reluctant to tell her, but when Macy waves more dollas under her nose, she acquiesces: Macy has darkness in her. It’s been there since she was born. She’s different from her sisters, but she’ll have to search within herself to find it. Macy runs out the door as Mama Roz yells, “The pillar of your past holds the key to your darkness!”
SJWs everywhere: REEEEEEEEEE SO YOU’RE SAYING THE BLACK SISTER HAS DARKNESS IN HER REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: Oh please may Dead Hippie Mom have slept with a demon
Back at the Kappa house, Regina is still lucid enough to register that she is in a scary place and Belinda is starting to freak her out, but Belinda starts chanting at her to DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DON’T BE A COWARD
Regina takes a step forward but is saved in the nick of time by Harry, Mel and Maggie apparating in. Apparently apparating other people drains Harry’s energy and he mentions that he feels sick now, but these sisters don’t give a flying fuck. Well, to be fair, it is an emergency, because Regina is right on the edge of a tile roof and it would be giving me vertigo if the effects weren’t so terrible.
Maggie yells for Mel to start the revenant banishing spell while she tries to get through to Regina and break Belinda’s hold on her before she jumps. However, the banishing spell doesn’t work, because Belinda’s strength is too tied to Regina’s own feelings of betrayal. At the sight of Maggie, Regina starts sobbing and begs for Maggie to leave her alone, because every time she sees her she’s reminded of how they were friends and she trusted her and Maggie stabbed her in the back.
Belinda figures it out and starts yelling reminders to Regina of all the ways Maggie hurt her, and how the best way to get revenge on Maggie would be to kill herself. JUMP, HO! Regina jumps.
Mel freezes time, catching Regina in midair, which makes Belinda lose her damn mind and turn back into the smoky ghost form from the beginning of the episode. She swirls around Mel, screaming, trying to get her to break her concentration so Regina will fall. Harry says that he thinks Regina’s pain is the source of Belinda’s power, and Maggie realizes that instead of healing the source of Belinda’s pain, they needed to be focusing on healing Regina all this time.
Harry apparates up into midair, grabs Regina before falling himself, and apparates her down to the ground. Somehow this seems to be less taxing on him than when he brought Mel and Maggie in, but maybe it’s the adrenaline, or perhaps bad writing. Maggie tries to apologize to her, but Belinda is back like DON’T ACCEPT APOLOGIES! KILL! KILL! FINISH HER
Regina lunges to strangle Maggie, but Maggie starts saying the right things—that she never should have tried to play the victim the way Belinda had, that she was just as bad as her, that she deserved to get kicked out of Kappa, that she shouldn’t have kept trying to get in Regina’s face when Regina was begging her for space, that she doesn’t deserve Regina’s friendship. Regina accepts her apology, and Belinda screams and disappears in an effect that looks like an old TV switching off. How clever! The effects on this show are so great and high-budget.
As soon as Belinda is banished, Regina passes out. She wakes up later in the house, not remembering what happened but irrationally feeling less angry at Maggie (and also hungover). Maggie explains that she had drunk a lot of wine coolers (Regina acknowledges this as a new low) and that they’d had a talk while she was drunk, apologizes again, tells her she’s going to give her space but that she’d love to be friends again someday.
When Maggie leaves the house, Mel has this really UNBELIEVABLY out-of-character moment where she admits that she was wrong about the sorority and between what she learned from Jenna and Regina tonight that she sees now why Maggie wants to be in Kappa. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. She says that they all need to have lives outside of being witches, and that she’s sorry Maggie can’t have her sorority, and also she misses Niko. Sadface.
Maggie and Mel go to the Halloween bar to meet Macy. Maggie says that they need to tell Macy aboot seeing their mom in the 80s. I remember that Maggie’s actress is Canadian and snicker to myself. Before they can tell Macy aboot what they saw, Macy tells them aboot what the Haitian witch priestess said re: the darkness. Maggie and Mel suddenly realize what they overheard might be tacky and change the subject. Macy asks how things went with the Kappas, and Maggie says they’re fine now and should be wrapping up the initiation ceremony soon. Mel and Macy decide to head back to the house and set up a faux sorority initiation for Maggie into their sisterhood to make her feel better. THEY DO THE THING WITH DRINKING THE WATER AND DECLARING THAT THEIR BLOOD IS COVENANT. Someone did remedial internet research, I see!
As the initiation wraps up, Harry strolls past wearing a trench coat and fedora and carrying a suitcase. It seems that the Elders have deemed that now that the girls have the Book of Shadows back, they don’t need extra protection, so he’s moving back to the condo that he, a dead ghost man person, had been renting. What was the point of this subplot again?
Before he leaves, though, Maggie decrees that she wants to give Harry the initiation ceremony, too. He can be an honorary sister. What was it he said in the first episode to Mel? He felt as if his penis had been torn from his body? I imagine he felt something similar here. They crown him with a shower pouf, calling him “Poof.”
I believe Harry is supposed to be straight. That was the implication I got from his supposed past with Charity, and also the moment with Macy in this episode. I guess this is what feminists imagine straight guys are cool with.
Um, anyway… We haven’t forgotten the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys! Remember Macy’s mandated blood test? They do, too. Walton the Younger, a.k.a. the FBI Agent Demon Guy from the last episode, is rummaging through the vials of blood at the Generic Science Lab. If his father’s company is the one who mandated the drug test, shouldn’t they have access to it anyway? Or couldn’t he have taken the form of someone who does have access to it? No matter. Dr. Kevorkian catches him in the act of stealing the blood, and gets stabbed in the neck for his trouble. Goodbye, Dr. Kevorkian, or whoever you were.
Back at the house, Macy is in her room and she notices the Photoshopped picture of Dead Hippie Mom holding Baby Macy sitting framed on her dresser. As she looks at the photo, Mama Roz’s warning echoes through her head: “The pillar of your past holds the key to your darkness.” Macy notices a pillar on the porch behind her in the photo. She goes out to the front porch and investigates the support pillars. There’s a barometer mounted on one of them that she can’t get off with her fingers. She uses her powers to cast it aside, and behind the barometer is a hole with a small box inside.
Inside the box is a skeleton key with a pentagram on top. Macy stares at it and the episode ends.
Okay. I’m sorry, you guys. This episode was barely woke at all. It was actually… kind of good. I actually enjoyed it. Yes, the writing was stupid, but I’m pretty sure that the writers of this show may have just moved up from writing Nickelodeon shows, so what do you expect? I really like how they’ve been handling Regina George in the last few episodes. I like that she really got the spotlight in this one. I’m interested in the subplot about Macy and the ~mysterious darkness~. I can’t believe Mel wasn’t even that big of a cunt in this episode.
If this show can’t produce wokeness, am I going to lose my job? Am I going to end up on the streets? I work with the material I’ve been given, people!
Comments
182 responses to “Woke Charmed Recap 6: Kappa Spirit”
I just can’t watch TV anymore,
When I left the US more than a quarter century ago I was pretty much giving that up as an option. No regrets at all.
I know. Even second hand, that was not easy.
OMG
It’s like you’re trying to kill us with this stuff. I’m beginning to question your motives.
They just want her to be social, because I guess the house they inherited from their hippie mother was mortgage-free, and no one’s taken capital gains tax or property tax or utilities or groceries or anything like that into consideration.
It’s a child’s view of the world.
Mel groans about this being a glorified secretarial job and it’s so sexist that she as a waman is expected to fill such a stereotypically “traditionally female” job. Everyone tells her she needs a job/to get out of the house and to shut the fuck up.,
That’s sanity. In this show?
As per usual, I am bourbon enhanced. I will read in the morning.
“Thank you for your service”
*Benny Hill salute*
She settles back in for a good, peaceful omm, and the lights flicker. A ghostly specter emerges from the candle, flying around Regina in circles before soaring out of the room and flying all over the house, knocking over knickknacks and causing general mayhem before settling into the TV. Ah, so now the Kappa house is possessed, excellent.
That’s not a good masturbation scene.
Eh. I’ll take what I can get.
Near the back of the shelf, she encounters an ornate blue ceramic candlestick, which she takes to… the Buddhist temple in the basement of the Kappa house? What the fuck is this? There’s like a mosaic tile fountain in the background and palm trees and dildo candelabras and shit.
I see they go to the same temple as Heroic Mulatto.
I larfed
I’m just sad Harry never got to have his moment to shine in karaoke. Also, I can’t wait to hear about the deal with Macy’s darkness and Dead Hippie Mom’s probable fling with a demon.
Glad to see you’re back.
Thanks CP, glad to be back as well. Was on vacation with family the last couple weeks so was taking a break to disconnect from everything too. Things going well, dude?
Pretty much the same. This Spring seems to be going by pretty fast.
For real, man. I can’t believe it’s already almost June and summertime.
Vacation…..
What were the charges?
What we need is a good old-fashioned girls’ night out. Because Mel hasn’t been doing enough drinking.
Everyone tells her she needs a job/to get out of the house and to shut the fuck up.
“KEEP IT DOWN, BETCHES, I’M GETTING MY ZEN ON IN HERE!”
Mel…admits that she was wrong about the sorority
AND the ladies did research this time instead of Harry fixing everything up for them.
Is this some weird plot to lure people in with stupid wokeness, then hit them with a decent genre show after they settle in? Because it’s usually done the other way around.
By the end of the series they’ll be quoting Ayn Rand and none the slowly boiled frogs will know they’ve been indoctrinated. MUHAHA!
If my Poe theory was correct, this would make sense… ?
Speaking of things that were better 25 years ago, I need to pick an indy 500 to watch tonight. 1992 is always a good one. Maybe 1978. I have been on an 80s kick so far, watching 82, 85, and 89.
Need to, as in someone has a gun to your head?
1984 Rick Mears. I had the Penzoil replica go cart that my uncle gave me that year. He won it from Sears.
I ended up watching 1975. After watching 1985 the night before, 75 felt primitive. Guys in jeans and t-shirts doing pit stops. Aluminum wings that look like they were peeled off an airplane. People narrowly escaping being run over by cars.
Yes, the writing was stupid, but I’m pretty sure that the writers of this show may have just moved up from writing Nickelodeon shows, so what do you expect?
Ouch.
Hey, Nickelodeon gave us Ariana Grande so you just shut your…
Eh, never mind
I have to think Nickelodeon writers have a higher bar to clear than this dumb show. It’s one thing to write for children and another to write for Nickelodeon.
*chuckles at memories of old Spongebob episodes*
I guess I’m thinking about iCarly and Victorious ? Less stupid than Disney shows but more stupid than should be generally expected.
Note: Pete and Pete, Shelby Wu, Are You Afraid of the Dark, etc. are not included in my disparagement of Nickelodeon shows. I’m thinking last-10-years or so.
Phew. Clarissa, Alex Mack, and Ren & Stimpy are safe.
Hell yea, man. Those shows were my jam.
And what about old school Cartoon Network stuff like Ed Edd & Eddy?
What about Jimmy Neutron?
As Naptown Bill said below, sounds like the cartoon writers are a different set of people than the ones doing the live action shows. Not that I’ve seen any Nickelodeon cartoons recently, though. I think the last one I watched was Penguins of Madagascar, which was pretty high caliber.
+1 Kowalski
I think Nickelodeon has a separate set of studios that only do animation, kind of like Disney. We’re working in the toddler demographic so we’re in the Nick Jr. and Disney Jr. business, though, which seems to be more animation than live action. I’m planning on avoiding the future pole dancers of America that show up on Disney’s live action stuff once that becomes age-relevant.
A friend of mine from high school is a casting director for Nickelodeon. Only animated stuff, though.
To be clear I have no idea what Nickelodeon puts on these days, or ever, really. But the people who take this utter pap seriously are children. Who likes being glad-handed like this? It has to be like living as a Downs child with, one hopes, nothing but positivity and affirmation in your life. Except this show’s intended audience isn’t Downs children, it’s grown-ass adults who like to be treated like Downs children.
Down
sI want to say I knew that… but I didn’t.
I’m trying to imagine a show in which Captain Capitalism saves the world from the Socialist Squad and the Evilronmentalists every week, and feeling anything but disgust that it takes itself seriously and isn’t a snarky sideswipe at capitalism. Am I taking this too seriously? Is it secretly a very clever piss-take of SJWs? Is it secretly an awesome clever hidden gem like Difficult People? Do the people who love this show tune in to laugh at themselves?
Like a reverse Impotent Rage from GTA 5?
I’m glad that is/was a thing, but, it just makes me miss Powdered Toast Man even more.
I can’t do it. I just can’t. Thank you for subjecting yourself to this IQ draining drivel, but I can’t read it.
The pictures and captions will give you the gist.
*pours third bacardi*
*starts reading*
Raph, check the Patreon messages, let me know what you think.
I love it, thanks man! #McAfee2020
I just sent you one that’s just the hat as well. As an apology for my tardiness.
Awesome, and it’s all right. Again, thanks! Looking forward to the next cartoon.
Actually, my internet was just down for about an hour and that prompted me to actually write the next episode, I mean what else did I have to do? So as long as the overlords grace me by running it next week I’ll get my self imposed monthly release, because I feel I owe at least that much to you folks. I don’t want to force it and promise anything more and force crappy content for the sake of more eps, but if you guys are paying me monthly, I’ll deliver at least one a month.
I’ll be looking forward to it next week then! And I think that schedule sounds good, hopefully you can get a dearth of decent material every month.
Raphael, I coulda sworn I responded to a post of yours last week, or, over the weekend.
I have 0 idea what I’m remembering, considering you were on vacation.
Have no fear, it will get more woke once again.
https://thechive.com/2019/05/21/join-the-light-side-with-these-sexy-blondes-51-photos-3/
Your requisite antidote to the wokeness.
I can feel the toxic masculinity stirring inside me. Excellent.
I think 16 will cut you!
Huh. And her coffee mug has a bunny on it…
“Maggie decides to bring them a pitcher of skinny mojitos as a peace offering.”
How white of her.
Outstanding as always. I almost want to know what happens with these idiots now.
Same, and it’s a weird feeling
I get the feeling that the series could actually be an (forgive me) ironic viewing pleasure in a local bar.
I just see older bar dudes asking a bartender to turn it on, and then laughing their collective ass off at this shit.
I feel like I’m watching a show about the Chernobyl meltdown recorded by one of the technicians actually on site at the time as it’s happening. It’s horrifying, but the real tragedy is that as painful as it is for me from the safety of my home that’s being made possible by someone exposing themselves to lethal levels of radiation for my enjoyment.
Also, I spent a lot of the day reading Sharpe novels, which are sort of a vaccination against social justice.
Have you watched the HBO Chernobyl mini-series? It should deter the youth from crying for socialism but I fear it will drive them towards it even more.
I’ve watched the first two and am about to pop on the third. The acting involved is first rate. I also think it does a really good job of putting all of that in context. The bit about the “good” dosimeters is to me the most perfect symbol of what any bureaucratic state produces. Here you’ve got entire procedures built around middle management trying to keep costs down and present a rosy picture to their bosses and the rank-and-file with a mix of frustrated, sincere people trying to do a good job, goldbrickers, and people just trying to keep a steady paycheck coming in.
It’s pretty good. Very eerie vibe at the same time a very true view of the USSR. My one complaint, why the hell do they have British accents?
It makes me wonder what Russians think of the show. Just like I’d be really interested to see a Russian or Chinese movie about the American *Civil War.
*Which, of course, to be pedantic, wasn’t properly a civil war at all as the CSA had seceded and formed its own country as opposed to fighting to gain control of the USA.
Another good series is “Deutschland” The first season is 83 and the second is 86. The show is from Germany and is the story of the DDR and the late Cold War. One episode covers Chernobyl and how the incident was denied by the DDR because communist achievements could not fail- until Gorby came on TV.
*fingers crossed there will be a Deutschland 89*
83 was brilliant, 86 felt a bit unfocused but still very good.
Ask and I shall receive.
Giddy.
Man that could be excellent. Watching the scurrying of the commie rat bastards as the DDR sinks could be muy bueno.
I know I have recommended it before, but if you are in Berlin going to the Stasi Museum is an absolute recommended outing.
Yeah, 89 is going to be a goldmine of possible stories to tell.
I’ve not watched either series (season?), but, from what I’ve read, it’s a good watch.
Not sure it would be my cup of tea, but, I hope you get that next series, Rhywun.
I lived in Germany in 86-7, it was a no-brainer for me to watch. But I would recommend it to anyone interested in that era. It’s very darkly humorous in addition to being dark.
Huh, DC released the Doom Patrol pilot on youtube. Might watch that, but no plans on adding the DC streaming service.
I fear cable cutting is turning into nothing but a bunch of streaming services that will total to about the same amount as a cable bill when all is said and done.
Vindication. I’ve been bitching about this for years.
It can, for sure. The big difference is that, at least as of now, it’s still largely no-contract and a la carte through most services, so you do stuff like pick up HBO for a month, binge-watch a series or two, then dump it.
Yup, although the trial periods seem to have shrunk from a month to a week. I’m still trying to get through Westworld season 2 before mine ends.
I’m surprised they let you do multiple trials. Unless you move or something in between.
Imho, there hasn’r been anything worth it on HBO since True Blood. Except Sharp Objects, but that was mini-series not an on -going show.
I liked the first two seasons of Ballers, but couldn’t get into the third. True Detective was good, I thought, at least the first and third seasons.
And the last two seasons of True Blood were a shit show.
S01 and S02 were soooo good. S03 was meh and I gave up somewhere in S04.
I wouldn’t go that far, but things did go downhill a bit after Alan Ball left after season 5.
Wrong. Silicon Valley and veep.
DC has a streaming service too? Holy hell, who doesn’t have one at this point?
That show is weird as shit. I like it.
In the mail.
https://www.ebay.com/itm/LGBT-Liberty-Guns-Beer-Tits-T-Shirt-Gildan-Tee-AR15-M16-1911-M9-M14-2nd/302071459578?hash=item4654dcaefa:m:mfCH0IVvq0b2h7IhnwQ-u4w
*bookmarks it*
Thanks for the find, I might snag myself one of those as well.
Ummm…
What 1989 were these assholes doing aerobics in? Cutting the leg warmers off of Olivia Newton John’s 1981 outfit does not advance things by almost a decade.
Hush, now, there was only one “the 80s.” And since I bet you that not a single person working on this show was older than 5 by the time the decade ended, you can’t expect them to know anything about it.
I think this show needs more girl on girl action.
I got this plot for the next episode. Mel goes back to class, and there is another student, except she’s got huge boobs. I mean some serious honkers, a real set of badonkers. She’s packin some dobonhonkeros. Massive dohoonkabhankoloos. Big ol’ tonhongerekoogers. What happens next?! This transfer student shows up with even bigger bonkhonagahoogs — humongous hungolomghononoloughongous.
Have a heaping helping of I don’t give fuck.
These people are supposed to be the adults running the country.
They’re only trying to be totes relatable to us common rubes.
They’re really doing their damnedest to prove that the 19th Amendment was a bigger mistake than the 18th.
Oh, so at least she’s admitting that she idealizes a world in which women run everything, not one where there are equal and harmonious relations between the two sexes.
Also, the whole thing highlights this observation I’ve made: Politicians are always doing this schizophrenic dance where they try to simultaneously present themselves as A) completely normal people just like you and me, and B) enlightened beings of vastly superior intellect, judgement, and morals.
Their whole discussion about GoT is ham-fisted political posturing poorly disguised as banter about some popular TV show.
The actions of them and their ilk have proven otherwise for decades and they keep getting away with it. It’s maddening.
What about men who now claim they are women? I wonder her thoughts on that in her little head of hers
LOLOLOLOL…..this link got me wondering what Titania McGrath has to say about GoT.
https://twitter.com/TitaniaMcGrath/status/1130897532563984384
I was not disappointed:
How this account hasn’t been suspended yet by the woke patrol I don’t know.
They’ve tried.
Never mind that the core premise of the show seemed to be that having a dick makes you stupid, evil, or both. When the chips are down, short of Dany who became a brutal totalitarian dictator, the women in the show wind up better than they started. Sansa started off as a twit and now she’s the Queen of the North. Arya was a punk kid and now she’s this badass assassin explorer person. Brienne of Tarth was a weirdo and now she’s a knight. For that matter, for most of the show it was women running everything. Once Stannis got whacked that was pretty much the last powerful male figure. I’m not counting Jon Snow because he’s a dumb, moody teenager propelled by angst and broodiness.
It is interesting, as Akira says, that both of these women are pissed that Sansa didn’t take over the entire world and rule it with an iron hand. It’s like, Stalin’s only real crime to these people is that he was a man. I don’t know if they’d have been happier if no men were in the show at all or if it were just seven seasons of wamyn kicking men in the balls for an hour an episode.
“She can’t even run her own life,
I’ll be damned if she’ll run mine–sunshine”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScfUfsUlGro
Well, I think we’ve found the reason why “2” is the number associated with shit.
Ice-T calls out Amazon after he ‘almost shot’ one of the company’s delivery drivers
Note to self Ice-T is now the gangster version of “get off my lawn”.
A lot of what he’s said over the last 20 years makes me think he might be a closet libertarian, but that white boy shit would be bad for his street cred and Hollywood career.
Now that they have “regular people”…. Who the hell was making the deliveries prior to this, the Aristocracy??
Maybe it’s Amazon folk doing deliveries as opposed to USPS or UPS or FedEx? I heard that was a thing but haven’t experienced it myself. Buy yeah, if Amazon is doing last mile they really ought to be wearing a uniform IMHO.
Yeah, Amazon has both employee and contract deliverers, but, I wouldn’t have thought to call them “regular people”.
Ya the contract delivery people have been pretty bad. One of them remembered we have a doorbell cam so he attempted to stand outside the view and tossed the package. Camera still caught him plus he didn’t realize we have a second camera above our garage that also caught him.
WTF??? I think you should call Ice-T and arrange to have him “have a word” with that shit-head.
I just….I can’t even with that shit. You mind saying where, geographically, this happened?
I don’t get it. Why?
Why? It’s obvious that LJW is responsible for that person having to be a delivery driver for Amazon. Better to show disdain by possibly damaging merchandise AND stick it to an employer by doing the job in as shitty a manner as possible.
Do you even resentment, bruh?
Erm… nope…. still not getting it.
Let a customer service expert explain.
/So so sorry for the shitty quality that is not my recording
Rhywun would not make a good Jacobin.
It IS known.
Missouri abortion bill – pro-life woke:
“A prohibition on performing or inducing an abortion at eight weeks gestational age or later, with a medical emergency exception, does not amount to a substantial obstacle to a large fraction of women for whom the prohibition is relevant.”
“Abortion reports shall include, but not be limited to, a certification that the physician does not have any knowledge that the woman sought the abortion solely because of a prenatal diagnosis, test,or screening indicating Down Syndrome or the potential of Down Syndrome in the unborn child”
So, the screening for Down syndrome typically happens around 9 weeks if you’re considered to be high risk due to age, or a little later otherwise. There’s no reason to include the prohibition about aborting a fetus due to a prenatal diagnosis if they’re prohibiting abortions after eight weeks.
Amniocentesis isn’t performed around 9 weeks.
Sorry, dead thread, but the browser window was still open this morning so what the hell?
I’m talking about the NT test. We’re about a year away from our last round of this stuff and heading into our next run of the whole thing, so it’s fresh in my mind. For the past few it’s been the NT scan, which is the first screening, then a blood test, and then around I think 14 weeks or later you can do amnio if you want. The thing with amniocentesis is that it’s invasive and carries a risk of miscarriage.
well, technology does change. You know, like the 2nd amendment was written before super-uber-crazy-kill-death rifles existed, so therefore doesn’t apply to those.
I actually love it when they bring up some argument based on what guns were in use when the 2A was written… The guns that most citizens owned were the same kinds of muskets used by the military forces of every modern nation at the time. There was no distinction between civilian firearms and “military style” firearms. It was actually understood that the 2A precisely protects the right of citizens to own the same firearms that the military uses.
We should all be allowed to buy select-fire M4 Carbines and M249 SAWs, then.
Hell, letters of marque and reprisal were for privately owned warships.
Actually, most civilians of that era owned rifles while most militaries issued smooth-bored muskets.
Muskets were much better for quick reloading and while much less accurate than a rifle they were effective when used by massed troops.
So when some prog states that the 2nd amendment is only about muskets they are unknowingly inferring that it is about civilian ownership of cutting edge military firearms.
I had to actually argue with a history prof that rifles existed during the revolution. One of the many times in college I had to correct the person I was paying to be taught by. Education, ain’t it grand?
I always love bringing up the Puckle gun. It may not have been mass produced but the idea of a machine gun was very much existent when the 2A went into place.
Ignorance of the law is no excuse, but ignorance of your patient’s motive is? That is one confusing piece of legislation.
So band name…
More like the comeback album of Zombie Liberace.
……….Yes, by gump–I do believe you’re right.
And now, I am, of course, thinking about a goth/horror piano-based band:
Zombie Liberace and the Dildo Candelabras.
Something like Slipknot meets Marilyn Manson meets Trans-Siberian Orchestra meets…
Well, you get it.
MLW, thank you for writing these recaps. I’m not sure what your end goal is, or if it’s penance for an unspeakable crime, but I enjoy every word. Even when I understand the words but can’t make sense of them.
Yep. Talk about taking one for the team.
Because, of course he did.
*crickets*
/local media
The saddest thing is how the fact that he died for trying to avoid a tax has fallen out of the conversation. It wasn’t because he was black. It wasn’t because he was violent. It’s because he was denying the government their cut.
A. Men.
That was never in the conversation. BLM pounced on it immediately, ensuring that angle would never be part of the conversation.
It actually was for a day or two on talk radio; then they went back to liberal bashing all around.
Considering when it occurred, I only know of it-and its cause-due to TOS and people here now.
The Micheal Brown stuff happened when my family and I were on a trek to the wilds to spread my dad’s ashes. And then when we got back to civilization there were all these reports of race riots in St. Louis, I had no idea what was going on.
All praise the Empress of Derp!
I’m going to read it now.
No, Chafed!!!
Lol
Lord, I love me some Time Bandits. I can’t remember how many times I saw it in the theater.
Of course, as much as I love Python, and the like, Gilliam is a self-important prick.
Once again, I got my money’s worth. The RDA’s are priceless. I can’t believe people watch this show.
Apparently Rosanne had an affair with Larry David.
LD, or, Lipton
And some subversive music in the same vein, “I’m in Love With Larry David”
https://archive.li/pBJsT/fdc655c27d2002d9392f30c1a07ccbf1a7ee7db5.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.li/gEZeD/d80f618392949ed2fd1581f07749773d4b1bbf7d.jpg
NSFW.
And, incidentally, what this show needs.
You brought your A game tonight.
I was thinking “C” game.
Well, maybe “B & C” game.
Good morning, Pie.
Would you please explain to me why the bakers in this video are beating all the delicious dark crust off the bread? Thank you in advance.
/trying to understand her heritage, but failing miserably
Couldn’t be bothered to sit through it, but I’m guessing racism.
Well, being a baker, whose great grandfather was from Romania, I did sit through it. But I was very confused at the end. Need more alcohol?
Hhahaha, don’t ever ask a sconnie if they need more alcohol, it’s a question that doesn’t even need to be asked.
No, no, no, do *I* need more alcohol?
The answer to that question depends on one factor, are you awake? If so, then yes.
You’re good at this game!
It’s our state sport.
This is bravo, C.
“Eye appeal is buy appeal”??
That’s what I’m thinking.
Huh. Well, to me, the dark loaves look ideal.
I don’t disagree with you there. My thinking is in regards to all the times I’ve seen/heard/read something along the lines of, “Golden flaky crust” as the ideal, regardless of the bread in question.
Or, maybe they have some use for the ‘shaving’…? That would be interesting, although, I can’t think of one.
Knadles.
No idea what that is.
It’s what you eat with SaurKraut unless your a savage. Although my family recipe doesn’t use potatoes.
I eat nothing with kraut, because I can’t be near that nasty shit.
I mean, if I wanted to vomit uproariously for some reason, I might try to bring myself to smell it. Otherwise, no-fly zone.
See? It’s not just me.
Pie better have an actual answer for me!
If you’ve got some free travel time, I’m meeting Mr. Driving gloves on the 3rd for some Nueske’s bacon. You know you want to be there.
My next few months will be occupied by my MIL “summering” with us.
(Summer in Phoenix? Sure! Sign me up!)
If I were an actual artist, I’d draw a cartoon strip of ‘Young Man With Candy’ being scolded by his mommy.
I can supply old photos of them both for you to base it on.
And, you better believe she had her hands full with him as a yute.
Yeah, but how many baby rape jokes can one make before it gets stale? (If I weren’t Catholic I’d be going to hell for sure)
Confession is good for the soul?
I can’t tell you how many times she’s thrown up her hands and said to me, “And THEN, would you believe he did THIS?!”
And, of course, I do always believe.
You probably would, too, having met him.
::ahem::
That image is only reinforcing stereotypes, and I applaud it.
You weren’t even there when we first met, he walks up to me and says “I even brought my bag of candy! SP will be down to meet us.” I’ll admit, I was scared I’d been catfished.
And look how the evening turned out!
Me having to drive about 45 miles back home, you missed out on the good drinking.
So much snark. So much bad writing (the show). This article series is like chocolate & peanut butter.