Glibertarians.com 2019 Archive

Category: Advice

  • OverRated: The Week in College Football Polls

    Redemption Edition as Serious Play Begins

     

    As the season rounds the first corner, a few true scrums have been had, blemishes have arisen, and toldjasos have begun to fill the inboxes of alumni everywhere.  Most years have slow starts:  you can’t laugh at someone for losing until they at least put their season on the line and play a competent school.  So we have finally begun in earnest:  Week Four was most yummy and delivered even more yucks than I could have hoped for.

    Week Four Most OverRated Football Program Results

    1           Utah, most obviously overrated, lost to unrated USC

    2          Cal survived a trip to Ole Miss

    3          Iowa was consumed by one of those marching band scandals

    4          Washington State handled winless UCLA

    5          Florida filleted hopeless Tennessee

    5          Notre Dame scored one whole touchdown that wasn’t a gift from Georgia

    5          UCF was outsmarted, outworked, and eventually edged at Pitt

    5          Georgia made the biggest statement of the year over Notre Dame

    9          Clemson destroyed former directional school Charlotte

    9          Oklahoma was idle

    11        Oregon had few problems with Stanford

    11        Auburn managed a capable Texas A&M on the road

    11        Boise State shot down Air Force

    14        Texas awoke and survived Oklahoma State in Austin

     

    So, we now mount that trophy on the wall as our #1 biggest takedown of the year, the largest pelt taken, the silliest ranking debunked:  Utah.  Notre Dame sold off although they lost to a highly ranked Georgia, but that’s the way it is with tulip bulb mania.

    In other news,UCF lost at Pitt (our interesting team from last week) and moves from my miss column to my hit parade; I had said they seemed to be doing okay, but, suddenly, my initial disgust was proven right.  Michigan was humiliated by Wisconsin, so I’m also overturning my earlier miss on them.  Washington State is completely unranked now, so I’m moving them to my win column as well.

    Off my radar, newly ranked TCU promptly lost to cross-Plex rival SMU, but I had recorded no opinion on either heretofore.  In summation, we add four pelts to the wall, at least a couple of which are fine specimens.

    Next week conference play now begins in all earnestness, and we’ll see who survives the grind and who is forged in fire.  Here’s my latest ranking of puff toads.

     

    Newest Week N + 1 Most OverRated Football Programs

     

    1          Cal could barely hang with terrible Ole Miss; they are the newest king of hype

    2          Iowa was recently added to the list but yet to disappoint

    2          Virginia joins our list; this fever shall pass

    4          Boise St just isn’t proving anything this year

    5          Florida has yet to be disrobed

    6          Clemson must run the table since they’re ranked numero uno

    6          Georgia has made the best statement against being overrated

    8          Texas has a comfy few weeks until the Red River rivalry resumes

    8          Auburn is barely overrated if at all

    10        Oregon is living up to the hype and might well not be overrated

    11        Oklahoma is solid and might well not be overrated at all

     

    So how has our year gone so far?

    Year to Date Hides on the Wall Ratings

    1          Utah lost to an unrated USC

    2          Stanford was revealed by USC

    2          Syracuse was unranked after Maryland

    2          UCF was edged by unranked Pitt

    5          Iowa State was dethroned before their decent showing against Iowa

    5          Michigan State fell out of the ratings, so I was right after all

    7          Texas probably over-paid for losing to titan LSU

    7          Texas A&M probably over-paid for losing to titans Clemson and Auburn

    9         Washington St is now unranked after becoming lowly UCLA’s first win

    9          Florida was ranked down after silly pre-season enthusiasm (but are back up now!)

    11        Michigan was blown out by Wisconsin

     

    Year to Date It-Would-Seem Blown Calls Because They’re Doing Okay

    1          LSU

    2          UCF is now a skin on the wall after Pitt

    3          Michigan no longer a blown call because Wisconsin

    4          Washington State no longer a blown call because UCLA

     

    So closes another week.

    links to older opinions:               2019-09-22              2019-09-13              2019-09-06

     

     

    Disclosure of sources of bias:  your writer has attended the University of Tennessee, Memphis State and the University of Memphis, Christian Brothers College . . . and he sleeps with an alumna of Georgia whose parents met at Washington State . . . and his son went to Houston . . . and he never met anyone from TCU he didn’t like . . . and he irrationally hates Notre Dame, UCF, Clemson, and Notre Dame.

     

  • The Little Things

    I am fortunate to have been born in the United States where I was able to get an education that led to a career which affords me a comfortable lifestyle.  I have traveled to some beautiful countries, eaten some amazing meals and bought some fun toys.  However, I find the enjoyment that I receive from these expensive distractions are fleeting.  What I have found leads to the most consistent feelings of happiness is focusing on the little things.  Here are a few of my favorite things.

    Every morning, after I have crawled out of bed, I make a cup of coffee.  Not just any coffee, but coffee I have roasted myself. I place the kettle to boil, deposit the beans into the grinder and fetch my Glibs-branded coffee mug.  I listen for the water to steam and smell the beans as they grind, much like being near a waterfall, listening to the water crash off the rocks and smell the bouquet of nature.  A few minutes of quiet contemplation. Once the water has come to the proper temperature, I mix the grounds and water in my French press and begin my four-minute wait. The process in entirety takes ten minutes.  Ten minutes to myself, where I’m not concerned about the problems of the world or my own.  Broken from my quiet reflection by the timer’s alarm, I eagerly pour my magical creation into my cup and deeply breathe in my latest batch.  Did my roast yield mediocre results or the finest cup of coffee on earth?  That is the most exciting part.  Experiencing the results of your own craft.  Really tasting the coffee and noting the uniqueness of each batch.  Learning from my mistakes and reveling in my triumphs. I eschew quick coffee methods because I enjoy the ritual and its usually superior results.  After draining my cup, I move to the bathroom. 

    Before work, like many of you, I engage in a hygiene routine.  Brushing of teeth, showering of body, combing of hair and whatnot.  The one area I may differ in is shaving. Several years ago, I decided to buy a straight razor because I thought it was cool. Probably the influence of too many gangster and cowboy movies.   I am not one to waste space on useless baubles, so I decided to learn how to use the aforementioned straight razor.  I fill the sink with scalding water and douse my face.  I use my silver tip badger fur brush to whip up shaving cream in my little steel bowls.  I strop my razor on fine leather and listen to the blade sing. With razor sharp and water hot, I apply the rich lather to my face.  I will confess this, when shaving with a straight razor, your mind can be on no other task, or you will pay a blood price.  Scraping and contorting my face, I shear my face in the grain of the growth. Another application of lather and I reverse the process.  Rinsing, I inspect the results of my efforts and feel pride when no errant hairs are left or blood my blade.  A quick application of aftershave and a ritual that requires absolute attention is done. I dress and leave for work refreshed and focused.  

    Having done yeoman’s work commenting on Glibertarians, I usually arrive home before midnight.  I give my wife a hello kiss and a pat on the bottom, then steal away to the kitchen for my own heaven on earth: the liquor cabinet.  I enjoy trying new spirits, but rye whiskey is a common companion.  I take my crystal tumbler from its place and place two ice cubes inside.  I love the sound of ice clinking against the crystal.  The high tinkle contrasts perfectly with the dull thunk when I pull the stopper from the bottle of Whistle Pig.  The Pig mascot in his top hat looks approvingly at me as I pour myself two fingers of that golden brown elixir and retire to the sofa to unwind.  Swirling the glass to chill and dilute the whiskey, I deeply inhale the spicy sweet scent, recounting the day’s events.  The first sip lovingly burns my throat and warms my belly.  A pricey bottle to be sure, but well worth the expense. Another day finished.  Another ritual complete. 

    These are my half-hour rituals that give me joy and keeps me sane.  I spend money to enjoy quality whiskey, coffee and razors, but that small investment pays dividends that more than offset the cost.  In fact, your small things need not cost money at all.  You could take a morning walk, play with your pet, read to your children or any number of free activities.  The key to happiness is being mindful and present and really focusing on what makes you happy. I invite everyone to share their “Little Things” in the comments section.

     

  • ZARDOZ’S FRIDAY NIGHT ADVICE

    …AT THE POOR ADVICE THAT FILLS THE INTERWEBZ.

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ IS CONCERNED THAT THE SERIES OF TUBES IS CLOGGED WITH POOR ADVICE. THE CHOSEN ONES MUST NOT BE LED ASTRAY! THEREFOR, ZARDOZ SHALL INSTRUCT – AND SHOW THE ADVICE GIVING BRUTALS WHO IS THE SUPERIOR FORM OF INTELLIGENCE. HINT: IT IS NOT THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVERS. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

    Q:  Last Saturday was my wedding and it was everything I could have wished for, until the reception. One of my co-workers, “Kim,” started saying I was pregnant because I wasn’t drinking. I kept telling Kim I just don’t drink, something everyone knows. She even teases me about it every week when everyone at the office goes to happy hour at a local pub. I asked her to stop, but she didn’t. By the end of the night, I had guests coming up to congratulate me and my confused husband on our upcoming baby. They were asking when the due date was and what the gender was, and telling me that they had thought I looked pregnant but hadn’t wanted to say anything. Over the course of the night, this rumor had transformed into common knowledge that I was pregnant, no matter how much I tried to deflect it away. My immediate family wanted to know why they were finding out from strangers that I was pregnant.

    I feel like my wedding became all about my pregnancy. It turned what was supposed to be a happy memory into something I just feel angry and frustrated about, like something was taken from me. I know I’m being ridiculous, but I’m so upset about this. I do realize it isn’t the end of the world, but it was my own personal information to share when, and how, I wanted to. I didn’t want my wedding to be about my pregnancy. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with Kim when I get back. For the past six years, I’ve worked for a small office of seven people, and now everyone at work thinks I’m pregnant. I am so mad at Kim I don’t know how I can work with her. Do I have to just suck it up and act like everything is fine? Can I tell my co-workers I’m not doing anything outside of work if Kim comes? Am I overreacting? My husband says I’m not, but I’m fairly sure he’s supposed to say that.

    A: WELL WELL WELL, IF ONLY ZARDOZ HAD WARNED YOU THE PENIS WAS EVIL, BECAUSE IT SHOOTS SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE…OH, WAIT…ZARDOZ HAS. REPEATEDLY! BUT IN SPITE OF YOUR GRIEVOUS ERROR, ZARDOZ WILL INSTRUCT. FIRST – YOU MUST BEGIN COUNTER-RUMOR OPERATIONS AGAINST THIS “KIM”. BEGIN BY WHISPERING THAT SHE CAUGHT A LOATHSOME PENIC-SPREAD DISEASE RIGHT AFTER THE RECEPTION. WHILE SHE IS DISTRACTED BY FENDING OFF THE RUMOR OF HER INFECTION, SABOTAGE HER PROJECTS AND WORK. SOON SHE WILL BE TERMINATED BY YOUR BOSS. THEN HER ONLY CHOICE WILL BE A LIFE OF SERVITUDE TO THE VORTEX.

    WHICH ONE OF YOU LIKES TO GOSSIP?

     

    YOU SHALL SUFFER WITH YOUR DECISION TO BE SHOT FULL OF SEEDS.

    MORNING SICKNESS ANYONE?

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    Q: My cousin recently married a lovely girl, someone he’d been dating for a couple of years. Our whole family loves her, and she’s always been very sweet to us.

    She’s very intelligent and kind, but the issue is her wardrobe. She’s pretty but refuses to wear nice clothes. Instead she wears baggy, boring clothes. Our family is fashion-conscious, and I know my cousin has suggested to her several times that she buy new clothing — to no avail. He thinks she’s self-conscious about her body.

    Her birthday is coming up, and my sister and I would like to take her shopping as a birthday gift to buy her some nicer clothes. My cousin thinks she might not appreciate it, but he agrees that she needs new clothes. He also suggested buying her a gift card to somewhere, although that wouldn’t solve the problem of which clothes she buys with it. Do you think that taking her clothes shopping for her birthday would be appropriate? — FASHIONISTA IN CONNECTICUT

    A: ZARDOZ COGITATES THAT THIS ALL HINGES ON YOUR DEFINITION OF “NICE” CLOTHES. HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX WEAR?

    LOOK UPON YE FASHION AND DESPAIR.

    NOT THAT OLD CLASSICS CANNOT SERVE ONE WELL;

    TAILS OPTIONAL.

    BUT EITHER WAY, YOUR FAMILY ARE A NOSY AND PUSHY LOT – YOU SHALL BE TARGETED BY THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS. SORRY, BRUTAL, THAT IS JUST THE WAY OF THE WORLD.

    “DEAR ABBY” THIS BULLET!

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

     

    SPECIAL BONUS ADVICE!

    Q: I have noticed a trend in casual customer service workers’ way of speaking. As I’m checking out at the grocery store, the bank or the pizza restaurant, many workers ask, “What are you doing the rest of today?” or “What are you up to today?”

    While I’m all for friendly chat, I find this question odd, invasive and a bit rude. I hardly believe that they care about my daily, tedious comings and goings, so really the question is insincere. What is the most kind, polite way to respond?

    A: ZARDOZ RECOMMENDS ONE OF TWO ANSWERS – “CLEANSING THE FILTH OF BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH AS IT ONCE WAS” OR “TAKING YOU INTO GRAIN SLAVERY IN THE SERVICE OF THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX, THANKS FOR ASKING!”

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    Q: I know that the fork goes on the left of the plate and the knife on the right. But what if there is no knife? May I put the fork on the right, since I will presumably be using it with my right hand?

    A: ZARDOZ SAYS…LOOK TO THE VORTEX FOR AN EXAMPLE.

    FORKS WERE BANNED IN 2319.

    IT APPEARS THAT YOU GET A SPOON, A PLATE AND A GLASS. TURN IN YOUR FORKS TO THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS.

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

  • IFLA: The “ASTG4113” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of September 15

    So I’ve covered some of the very basics of astrology with you before, but this week we’re having to jump straight to some serious advanced level stuff to read what the skies are throwing at us.  Even with all of the millennia of accumulated wisdom, there is still some ambiguity with the principal sign this week because of two principal actors:  Saturn is a butthole, and retrograde motion is a jerk.  So we’ve got Venus-Mars-Saturn retrograde with that last component signifying “beginning” or “really bad ending.”  Now, we haven’t really talked much about angular considerations, but with this alignment we have Jupiter-Sol en tierce which excludes such interpretations as “the birth of twins” or the like.  With that modification, the sign is either “Marriage,” or “Divorce the likes of which The Tudors would consider a bit extreme.”  But whose?  None of the planets are in Leo, so not a royal.  Virgo, Capricorn, and Libra are all indicated in the “who”  and Sagittarius in the “where.”  A double-Virgo points to the more notable party being a woman.

    While we’re waiting for that, we have the earth lining up with Mercury and Venus with the sun in opposition, which means it’s an auspicious time for drinking, carousing, gambling, and/or expanding your sexual horizons.  This is confirmed by the moon being in Aries.

    Virgo loses their ultra-uber status this week as they’re unable to hold on to two planet, but they maintain Mars.  Expect more conflict this week, but you’ll be successful in it.  There is going to be relationship stress (maybe from following the advice in the previous paragraph?) as the conflict between Libra and Mercury gets filtered through Venus.  And of course, I already mentioned the moon in Aries.  Full Moons?  Goats?  Do I really have to spell this out for you ?

    Virgo: 6 of Cups reversed – Renewal, the future coming to pass

    Libra:  The Emperor reversed – Benevolence, compassion, credit, immaturity, obstruction, confusion to enemies

    Scorpio:  2 of Wands – Riches, fortune, magnificence, physical suffering, disease, mortification

    Sagittarius:  7 of Cups reversed – Desire, will, determination, project

    Capricorn:  10 of Coins reversed – Chance, loss, robbery, pension, games of hazard, a gift

    Aquarius:  6 of Coins – Presents, gifts, gratification

    Pisces:  The High Priestess reversed – Passion, moral or physical ardor, surface knowledge, conceit.

    Aries:  8 0f Coins – Work, employment, craftsmanship, commission, skill in such matters

    Taurus:  Knight of Coins – Utility, interest, rectitude, responsibility

    Gemini:  The Devil – Ravage, violence, force, vehemence, extraordinary efforts

    Cancer:  Queen of Wands – Dark woman or countrywoman, chaste, honorable, loving

    Leo:  4 of Swords – Vigilance, retreat, solitude, tomb

  • STEVE SMITH FRIDAY NIGHT LINKS AND ADVICE.

    IT FOOTBALL TIME OF YEAR!

    STEVE SMITH GLAD IT FRIDAY. HIM KICK BACK, RELAX. BY RELAX MEAN VISIT CAMPGROUND, RAPE CAMPERS, MAKE S’MORES. STEVE SMITH LIKE S’MORES. KNOW WHAT ELSE STEVE SMITH LIKE? LINKS. AND WHEN HIM GIVE ADVICE! SO STEVE SMITH DO BOTH FOR FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE.

    START WITH ADVICE. GOOD ADVICE. FROM STEVE SMITH. BETTER THAN THIS HOOMAN GIVE.

    Q: My Aunt Mildred has just passed. She was in her late 80s, it was in her sleep, we’re all at peace about it. Here’s the problem: In her will, she left my 14-year-old daughter her horrible bird. I am biased, because I grew up in New York and see all birds as rats with wings, but I never imagined one would wind up living and pooping in my house. It’s a monk parakeet, which the internet tells me can live from 15 to 20 years (“Hawk” is, as far as we can tell, about 5 years old.) I don’t want it in my house, and I really don’t want to inherit it when my daughter leaves for college. What do I do?

    A: STEVE SMITH SHAKE HEAD AT SILLY HOOMAN. WHY YOU TURN GIFT AWAY? IT FREE FOOD! STEVE SMITH LOVE BIRD. IT BETTER THAN POSSUM OR RAT!

    STEVE SMITH WISH HIM HAD BIRD INSTEAD.

    YOU NO LIKE EAT PET BIRD? GO FIND HOBO. GIVE HOBO BIRD. HOBO EAT BIRD. ALL HAPPY – YOU NOT HAVE BIRD, HOBO GET EAT MEAL. YOU WELCOME FOR GOOD ADVICE! STEVE SMITH ASK ONE FAVOR. SEND FEATHERS FROM COLORY BIRD. STEVE SMITH ADD TO SAVINGS ACCOUNT.

    FREE CASCADIA!

    STEVE SMITH SEE WHY FRIEND ZARDOZ GIVE ADVICE…IT FUN! LINKS FUN TOO. SO GOOD LINKS. HERE GO.

    1. THIS NO STEVE SMITH. HIM NOT LIVE IN CITY! NEWSPAPER NOT RIGHT. STEVE SMITH HAVE STYLISH CAVE IN WOODS. HIM MORE COUNTRY MOUSE, NOT CITY MOUSE. BY MOUSE, MEAN RAPESQUATCH.
    2. IT LOOK LIKE CHOO-CHOO COST MORE MUNNIES. STEVE SMITH HOOT AND LAUGH WHEN READ  In May, elected officials on the Sound Transit board advanced several alternatives for environmental review, including more expensive options that would require still-unidentified “third party funding.”
    3. LOOK LIKE SOMEONE FIGURE OUT BEST PLACE FOR CANDIDATE. JAIL.

    STEVE SMITH HOPE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE HAVE GOOD FRIDAY NIGHT!

    FREEDOM!

  • IFLA: The “Choose Your Own Adventure” Edition of the Horoscope for the week of Sep 8

    So the skies have decided to take the week off from ruling the fates of man.  No alignments.  No occultations.  And what conjunctions there are are only barely worth mentioning.  But since that’s all there is to mention, I guess I should fulfill my Barnumian Oath of “First, give no refunds.  If this means you must deliver, so be it.”

    While Virgo lost it’s grip on the moon, it remains in control of the Sun, Mars, Venus and Mercury (to the extent that anyone is ever in control of Mercury.)  This is not only good news for Virgo, but since that sign is a generally benevolent one (general as in General Officer, not as in usually) we all reap the benefits.  Again, any time you’ve got Mars and Venus together with the sun, it’s good for your love life.    The moon meandered off into Capricorn where it joins Saturn retrograde.  You know how two wrongs don’t make a right but three rights make a left?  Same thing here.  Expect bursts of creativity, though some of it may be a bit out of the box for your tastes.  Also unfortunately, if you’re fishing, the percentage of your catch being stuff you don’t want is going to be higher than normal.  Remember when I explained why the majority of astrological patterns signaled bad news?  The same principle lead to there being an awful lot of fishing-related omens.  Hunting should be good though with Jupiter being in Sagittarius.  Scanning ahead for my own benefit, that visitation is going to remain in effect for my new club orientation, so the live fire part will provide no problems whatsoever, not that I was worried.  Also the skies are looking right for the match on the 22nd, in case any Glibs want to come shoot at it.  We’ll revisit it in a couple of weeks, but the signs are particularly auspicious for first-time shooters then.

    This weeks draw is pretty Glib-standard.  Again, those influences that are there are not overwhelming this week.

    Virgo:  The World – Assured success, voyage, emigration, change of place

    Libra:  8 of Cups reversed – Great joy, happiness, feasting

    Scorpio:  Queen of Cups – Success, happiness, foresight, wisdom, pleasure, virtue

    Sagittarius:  Queen of Swords – “Female Sadness,”  embarrassment, absence, sterility, privation, separation, mourning

    Capricorn:  6 of Swords – Journey by water, exile, route, way, envoy

    Aquarius:  5 of Cups – Loss but something remains, inheritance, transmission, patrimony

    Pisces:  4 of Cups reversed – Novelty, omen, new instructions, new relations

    Aries:  5 of Swords reversed – Degradation, destruction, reversal, dishonor, loss, infamy

    Taurus:  6 of Wands reversed – Apprehension, fear, treachery, disloyalty

    Gemini:  The Star reversed – Arrogance, impotence, haughtiness

    Cancer:  2 of Cups – Love, passion, affinity, friendship, union, concord

    Leo:  The Devil Reversed – Evil, weakness, pettiness, blindness

     

  • IFLA: the “So… sleepy…” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of September 1

    Fall is coming early, and for some reason I sleep poorly during seasonal changes.  Coupled with some effing robocaller sending me calls at 04:30 and I’m fairly well zonked.  Thank goodness for three day weekends.

    The signs this week are for zaniness, higgledy-piggledy and downright shenanigans.  When Mercury and the moon line up with the sun, chaos is let loose upon the world.  Fortunately Mercury is moving directly so we’re not expecting malice.  This interpretation is further buttressed by the second involving the sun, to wit:  Venus and the Earth.  When you’ve got love and home added to the mix like that, it really calls for one thing:  put a nylon tarp on the trampoline, and make a date with your lover and a bottle of baby oil.

    So, Virgo:

    https://youtu.be/tl3OCzeEMFY?t=40

    You’ve pulled off the quinella.  All the inner planets are belong to you.  Everyone else can now hate you for a week or so, and demand some astrological redistribution.  So make the most of it — do SOMETHING for heaven’s sake!  Love, war, travel by water, travel by air, pretty much the only two things you won’t have auspicious signs for are governing and harvesting.  So tax collectors can fuck right off.  More than normal I mean.  Sagittarius retains the king of the planets in its corner, so everyone else needs to play things straight, especially with Virgos running around a-whoopin and a-hollerin’.

    The cards say that everything going to start off great then BAM! something really bad happens and the rest of the week is shit.  I really hate draws like this when there’s an impending disaster in the news, because that gives the whole game away.

    Virgo:  5 of Coins –  Material trouble, lovers, concordance, affinities.

    Libra: King of Coins – Valor, realizing intelligence, business and intellectual aptitude.

    Scorpio:  The Devil – Rage, violence, extraordinary efforts, that which is predestined

    Sagittarius:  Ace of Wands – Creation, invention, enterprise, principle, beginning source, birth, family, origin

    Capricorn:  6 of Cups – Happy memories, the past

    Aquarius:  The Fool reversed – Negligence, carelessness, apathy, absence, nullity, vanity

    Pisces:  Queen of Swords reversed – Malice, bigotry, artifice, prudery, deceit

    Aries:  The Tower – Misery, distress, ruin, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception, and a whole lot of other bad stuff.

    Taurus:  Ace of Cups reversed – False heart, mutation, instability, revolution

    Gemini:  3 of Cups reversed – Expedition, dispatch, achievement, end

    Cancer:  10 of Swords reversed – Advantage profit, success, favor — but all of these are temporary.  Power and authority at the expense of others.

    Leo:  4 of Wands reversed – Increase, beauty, embellishment, felicity

     

  • Friday Night All Star Cryptid Advice Round Up 2

    She will not be giving advice.

    Greetings, Glibertariat. We at Glib HQ decided to do the All Cryptid Advice Rodeo, Goat Rope … Festival? Uh, whatever you would call all 3 Guest Cryptids giving advice in one post, once again. So, without further delay, we will turn to our Senior Cascadia Correspondent, STEVE SMITH. STEVE?

    DR. STEVE SMITH, FCRAP.

    STEVE SMITH HONORED BE FIRST. HIM GIVE GOOD ADVICE. IT TAKE TO TODAY FOR STEVE SMITH BRAIN NOT BE AFRAID, BECAUSE SUGARFREE POST. BUT HIM HERE HELP OUT! SILLY SLATE HOOMANS NEED STEVE SMITH GIVE BETTER ADVICE.

    Q: I have a pretty straightforward problem: My girlfriend only gets properly wet during sex when we talk about her having sex with other men. She talks about a lot of men from her past—stories that I assume are part fantasy, though I know she’s had a lot of partners. I didn’t take this personally at first, but it is literally every single time. After a long streak of this, I tried to say “Not this time, OK, babe?” She agreed, but then it became clear it needed to happen for her to be properly aroused. I go down on her and there is plenty of foreplay, but nothing else works. I suppose we could try lubing her up to help pave over her not being turned on enough, but that seems like it skirts the real problem. Is there any way to help her move on from her fixation on this kink? I nearly love the gal and other elements of our relationship tell me we’re attracted to each other, but I can’t spend the rest of my life listening to what other men have done to her every time we have sex.

    – Storytime

    A: THIS EASY. TAKE GIRLFRIEND TO STREAM. THROW IN WATER, RAPE. NO WORRY ABOUT MAKING SILLY TALK. STEVE SMITH LIKE WHEN HIM CATCH HOOMANS FISHING IN STREAMS. SAVE TIME. AND WEAR TEAR. BUT IF NO HAVE STREAM, GET TAPE. MAYBE TENNIS BALL? IT US OPEN TIME, SHOULD BE SALE OF TENNIS BALL! THAT STOP BLAHBLAHBLAH. LAST IDEA – MAYBE YOU JUST BAD AT SEX? WATCH STEVE SMITH, LEARN.

    FREE CASCADIA! (AND NO READ SUGARFREE UNLESS WELL LIT AREA AND HAVE TEDDY BEAR NEAR)

     

    … OK then. Thank you, um, DR. SMITH. We will next hear from our Head-on-the-Scene at the Vortex, ZARDOZ. Over to you, ZARDOZ.

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ WILL MAKE SURE THE CHOSEN ONES REMAIN ON THE ONE TRUE PATH….THE VORTEX PATH. ZARDOZ WILL SPEAK ADVICE THAT WILL GUIDE THE CHOSEN ONES TO THE WAY OF CLEANSING THE BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH. AND WRITE SYNDICATED ADVICE COLUMNS… GO FORTH AND READ!

    Q: I am a single male in my early 50s who looks younger. A married couple approached me and expressed their desire for me to become intimate with them as a couple. They are only acquaintances. I was surprised but interested when they told me they have an open marriage and would like me to participate with the wife. They are into threesomes, swinging and swapping. I have never participated in such activities, although I admit that I am now very curious. They know I am a religious person and told me that they don’t consider it to be adultery or coveting since they are willing participants and there are no secrets or desire to break up their marriage. I told them I’d think about it and get back to them.

    When I discussed it with my married brother, he was all for it. But when I talked about it with my divorced sister, at first she thought I was trying to recruit her as a participant, which I was not. Once I cleared that up, she voiced no opinion. I am a clean-cut boy-next-door type of person. I don’t flirt with women, and I’m discreet about my personal life. This could be why this couple approached me. I would appreciate your thoughts. — CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

    A: MISERABLE BRUTAL – YOU ARE BIPEDAL PROOF THE PENIS IS EVIL! HAS NOT ZARDOZ INSTRUCTED ALL OF YOU ON THIS MORE THAN ONCE? NOW YOU SEEK TO DOUBLE THE PENIC ACTIVITY WITH THE FEMALE BRUTAL?! STOP SHOOTING SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE, LEST YOU BE STRUCK DOWN BY AN ANGRY ALLAH, VENGEFUL YHWH OR PLUGGED BY A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR WIELDING THE GIFT OF THE GUN. ZARDOZ CAN ONLY HOPE YOU GO TO CONFESS YOUR ERROR AND GET CLEANSED BY YOUR LOCAL RELIGIOUS AUTHORITY.

    None of that!

    ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    …

    Not really a theological prescription I had expected to hear, but it is the Cyptids’ post… Soooo. Last, but by no means least, we have our Maritime Correspondent, SEA SMITH. SEA, what do you have for us?

    SEA SMITH HEAR ORANJ MAN WANT BUY GREENLAND? SEA SMITH HANG OUT THERE!

     

    SEA SMITH IS MOST POLITE CRYPTID! HE ALWAYS SAY PLEASE, THANK YOU WHEN RAPE SHIP AND CREW! HE READ ADVICE AND THINK, HE DO BETTER THAN SILLY LAND HOOMAN, MS. MANNERS! COME SEE SEA SMITH MANNERS ADVICE. IT BEST!

    Q: When one person is already in a narrow hallway, and another person comes down the stairs and tries to enter the hallway and pass by the person already in the hallway, what should happen?

    A: THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN WHEN SEA SMITH BOARD SHIP! CREW RUN SCREAM AND TRY GO THROUGH HATCH AND HIDE BELOW. THEM RUN INTO OTHER CREW HOOMAN IN HALL. WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN? THEM GET ALL TANGLE UP, FALL DOWN AND MAKE EASY FOR SEA SMITH CATCH ALL THEM. BY CATCH, MEAN RAPE.

    THIS EASY! TRY NEXT.

    Q: Could you please tell me proper etiquette for a wedding reception that has now been changed to a “pre-elopement party”? Does this call for the same gift as a wedding?

    A: SEA SMITH USUALLY BRING SAME GIFT ALL PARTIES. GIFT OF RAPE. BUT IF PRE-ELOPMENT PARTY, BRING TWO GIFT. FISH, AND RAPE. THEM NEED MORE GIFT, SINCE THEM RUN AWAY. MOST HOOMANS RUN AWAY SEA SMITH….IT NOT MATTER WEDDING OR ELOPE!

    ONE MORE!

    Q: If someone is riding in the back seat of a car with friends, and the driver drops off the other friends first, should the remaining one in the back seat move up to the front seat?

    A: SEA SMITH NO RIDE IN CAR. BUT WHEN HE GET IN BOAT, ALL OTHER GIVE SEAT SEA SMITH, WHEN THEM JUMP OVERBOARD. SO SEA SMITH ADVISE, GO WHERE WANT. DRIVER OBJECT, RAPE THEM, TAKE CAR.

     

    COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

     

    Uhhh… yeah. That…that will wrap up this installment of the Great Cryptid Advice Roundup.

  • IFLA: The “Happy Birthday to Yusef” Edition of the horoscope for the Week of Aug 25

    This week we’ll demonstrate how to read the same signs for a general population and then as it regards to a specific individual.  In this case, the Glib’s own HVAC SME.  Just a little something to thank him for all the knowledge of High Vacuum Alternating Current systems that he provides.

    The skies are really quite busy this week.  The main axis is an alignment of Mars-Venus-Terra-Sol with a quaternary intersection of Mercury-Saturn (retrograde).  That main intersection is a celestial soft swap (Mars/Venus, Earth/Sun) with the modifier of news/change-beginnings means that if you’re looking to conceive, this is absolutely, positively the time to get busy with the baby-making.  Make a reminder to check the birth announcements in the paper nine months from now, there will be a bumper crop.  OTOH, if you’ve forgotten the contraception, you’d be well advised to take care of things in a non-procreative way.

    That’s what it means for us in general, but what about Yufus in particular?  From to point of view of Virgo, Mars and Venus are almost perfectly eclipsed.  This is very good, since Venus is the one doing the eclipsing meaning that all the negative aspects of Mars (the fighting, slaughter, bloodshed and ruin) are going to be filtered out and the positive aspects remaining.  Plus, the two lovers getting to be literally on top of each other is naturally going to throw off some waves of happiness.  One other thing for the personalized reading is that from this perspective, the moon is in opposition, which means there is going to be a consequential lie told to you.

    Now back to the rest of us.  Virgo gets the planetary bounty this week, holding the sun, and the aforementioned Venus and Mars.  Leo retains Mercury, so they still hang on to the good luck for another five or six days until it transits into Virgo.  Sagittarius keeps Jupiter, which is only fair since they had to put up with those months of retrograde motion, and Gemini hosts the moon.  This is where the general meaning differs most, since unlike the meaning for Virgo, the meaning for the other 11/12ths of the population is increase, abundance, growth, etc.

    I drew the cards for Yusef, but frankly they were depressing.  Three cards saying that financial pressures were going to increase, two saying that the future involved travel, and the core card was good, but ambiguous.  The most obvious implication would be that you’re going to have another kid.  Maybe a grandkid?  Puppies?

    For everyone else the cards are:

    Virgo:  Page of Cups reversed – Taste, inclination, attachment, deception, artifice

    Libra:  Queen of Coins reversed – Evil, fear, suspicion, mistrust, suspense

    Scorpio:  Knight of Coins – Utility, interest, rectitude, responsibility

    Sagittarius:  3 of Swords – Removal, absence, delay, rupture, dispersion

    Capricorn:  2 of Coins reversed – Simulated enjoyment, forced merriment, correspondence

    Aquarius:  King of Wands – Honest, conscientious, friendly man

    Pisces:  5 of Swords reversed – Degradation, destruction, infamy, loss, reversal, dishonor

    Aries:  8 of Wands reversed – Jealousy, stings of conscience, quarrels

    Taurus:  6 of Wands reversed – Apprehension, fear, treachery

    Gemini:  Queen of Cups reversed – Vice, dishonor, depravity, distinguished woman but not to be trusted

    Cancer:  2 of Cups – Love, passion, affinity, friendship, union, concord

    Leo:  Ace of Swords – Triumph, excess in everything

     

  • IFLA: The “It’s About Time” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of Aug 18

    So Sagittarians: life been kind of shitty for a while now? For the rest of you: rules working against you for the last few months?  Well, things are about to (finally) change as Jupiter returns to direct motion, doing what it’s supposed to be doing bringing happiness and jollity for the first time in a long time.  Saturn won’t get its leaden ass back to the straight and narrow until next month, but we’ll take what we can get.

    The newly reformed Jupiter isn’t participating, but there is a positive alignment of Venus and the sun remaining aligned with us, so good on your home life, gardening and basic domestic bliss.

    Leo continues to hoard all the planets.  Love, war, whatever it may be, strength is going to win out.  I will caution that because of the planetary shift, do not try and cheat in competition this week.  You shouldn’t need to anyway.

    In the Cards this week:  Pretty Glib-standard.  Lots of reversals.

    Leo:  2 of Cups reversed – False love, folly, misunderstanding

    Virgo:  The Hanged Man reversed – Selfishness, crowds, politics

    Libra:  Ace of Coins – Perfect contentment, felicity, ecstasy, gold

    Scorpio:  The Empress reversed – Light, truth, the unraveling of involved matters, public rejoicing

    Sagittarius:  Ace of Wands reversed – Fall decadence, ruin, perdition

    Capricorn:  10 of Coins reversed – Chance, loss, robbery

    Aquarius:  Page of Cups reversed – Seduction, deception, artifice

    Pisces:  Knight of Coins – Utility, service, rectitude, responsibility, interest

    Aries:  8 of Coins reversed – Voided ambition, vanity, exaction, usury

    Taurus:  Ace of Cups – True heart, joy, contentment, abode, fertility, nourishment, felicity, abundance

    Gemini:  7 of Wands reversed – Perplexity, embarrassment, anxiety

    Cancer:  Wheel of Fortune reversed – Increase, overabundance, superfluity