In the last chapter we discussed ‘Is Libertarianism inherently self-reliant?’ Well, I did anyway, you lot mostly went straight to commenting on the pizza sauce and some sportsball game. This time around let us look at environmentalism. It seems to me that many libertarians and conservatives are dismissive or outright hostile to environmentalism, and I get it… to a point. Environmentalists are generally annoying smug asshats, or annoying filthy hippies. Many of the ‘movement’,or Big ‘E’ Environmentalists are outright commies, hence the watermelon tag. What I don’t get is when this animosity is turned from the people to behavior, actions which in and of themselves are pretty sensible – being frugal, conserving energy, not polluting, that kind of thing. Heck, not long ago four out of the ‘5 R’s of sustainability’ would have made a decent mantra for conservatives. I’m always amused come Earth Day when some redneck proclaims that he’s fixin’ to leave every light in his house on, open all his faucets, let his cars idle in the drive, and burn a pile of tires out back to cap off the evening. I know 90% of that is just bluster, an effort to trigger the green crowd, but I suspect there are a few Bubbas out there angry enough to actually do it. Wasting money and inhaling toxic fumes to own the libs! Anyway, there is literally tons of waste on a home building/renovation job, I try and do my part. I set aside scrap metal and old fixtures for Big Joe, the local rag and bone man, I keep old windows and cabinets, scrap lumber, sheathing, siding and shingles until I have enough to build a storage shed, and when I come across some old two by four handrails that turn out to be redwood I find a new and exciting purpose for them.
Crokinole Boards
Step 1. (not pictured) Get a job replacing some 2×4 handrails, discover that under the white paint is some beautiful redwood.
Step 2. Recall the game that Nephilium mentioned a while back, do some design work and determine that with careful resawing you have just enough material to make two crokinole boards.
Step 3. Select the best looking sides and layout and glue up the ~2×2’s into blanks.
Step 4. Build a jig for your router, you could of course use a store bought circle jig, but I wanted mine to also be a template for the peg holes and to use it as a guide for the straight lines as well
Step 5. Wish you owned a 32″ drum sander (or any drum sander) and attempt flattening the blanks with your belt and disc sanders.
Step 6. Get to routing, spinning router and jig round and round, round and round, round and round.
Step 7. Marvel at how well your jig is working, start round and rounding too fast and have an accident.
Step 8. Off to the soldering iron and the shrink tubing
Step 9. Get back to routing.
Step 10. Drill peg holes
Step 11. Glue sandpaper onto curved pieces of wood for some custom sanding blocks.
Step 12. Get to sanding
Step 13. Take time out to test drive your new game board.
Step 14. Use a flush cutting bit to trim excess.
Step 15. Make another jig to hold and cut brass pegs to size.
Step 16. put on a few coats of Poly.
Step 17. Glue in the pegs. Et voila, Bob’s your uncle, and there you have it.
As you can see I also built a ‘Murica!! themed board for my Jarhead bother, I made it out of MDF built up in several rings to save material, which also allowed me to have the outermost lip higher than the playing surface which is a better design than the redwood ones, where sometimes over-shot or ricocheting biscuits will fly off the table instead of into the ditch. Since then I have built one out of standard pine 1×6’s for the frame and birch plywood for the top. I integrated storage for the biscuits on the underside.
You may want to customize your tops and due to the circular nature of the playing surface one might be tempted to use any number of the many sports team or popular product logos that are often circular as well. Don’t do that, it would violate copyrights, and IP law. But don’t let that curb your creativity, for example, I made this one for the Ubs family, with a cherry frame. I inset the storage area lid which I also made into a scoring peg board. Currently I’m working on a mahogany frame and still have a blank playing surface, I wonder what I should put on there?
As good glibertarians, I know none of you actually touch pocket change unless it is a gold coin minted in Galt’s Gulch. However, I also know all good glibs have an orphan with them at all times to carry your coinage in a monogrammed satchel. This short piece may give you tips to convey in your “Daily Instructions” to your change orphan on what coins to save and which to circulate.
Coinage is as old as the concept of money itself. In fact, it is thousands of years older than script, and until relatively recently, the most valued script was tied to specie. “In Specie is a Latin term describing the provision of an asset in its physical form rather than in the cash value of the asset.” (Merriam-Webster) The most common forms of coinage since ancient times have been gold and silver with copper reserved for small denominations. The same was true for the United States from 1793 until 1933 when FDR withdrew gold coinage and the death blow was in 1965 when LBJ effectively killed silver coinage. Today all general circulation US coinage, except for the nickel is clad. Some “real” money is still in circulation and I have given my change orphan “Warty strict” instructions to locate it and present it to me so I can remove these coins from circulation for the bullion value.
The US does still mint some silver and gold coins for collectors, but that coinage is not designed for general use so I will not discuss them. These gold and silver coins have nominal denominations making them legal for use- but if they enter circulation it is because of a FU in a bitter divorce or family members not knowing what the recently dead relative had saved.
I also won’t be covering obsolete coinage, it is still legal tender*, but your orphan won’t be getting any 2 or 3 cent pieces handed to them at your local store. So bellow for your orphan to “Bring me my change satchel most ricky-tic and then get prostrate in front of me NOW!” Let’s examine what we may find.
The Cent
The cent has traditionally been made of copper and Abe Lincoln has been going strong on the obverse (front) of the cent since 1909. Your change handling orphan will see plenty of these. The three versions are the Wheatback (1909-1958), Memorial (1959-2008), and the Union Shield (2010-date). There was a special 4 different design issue in 2009 for Abe’s 200th birthday. Most cents can be just put back into circulation without a second thought. Cents were copper from 1793 on, but since 1983 they are a minted with a very thin copper plate over a zinc (spit) core.
However, I advise you inform your coinage orphan to save all copper cents. The test is easy. All cents minted in 1981 and before are copper (with exception of 1943). Also test all 1982 cents by dropping them on something hard and listening to the sound made. A dull sound means it is zinc, a good clear ring means copper. If you can’t tell the difference- drop a cent from a copper year with any post 1982 cent-after a couple of drops, the difference will be clear. A copper cent has a $0.018 melt value so copper cents have almost doubled intrinsic value. (All melt values are from Jun 26, 2019)
Wheatback cents have an even higher numismatic (coin collector) value than their intrinsic (bullion) value. Older Memorial cents in a shiny copper state and with little wear also have a higher numismatic value. Among the zinc (spit) cents, only the 2009 series have any numismatic value.
Your orphan will probably not find a 1943 cent in circulation since they were steel with a shiny zinc covering. If one is found it will be nearly black. The War demanded required lots of copper and this was an experiment on saving copper which failed. The coin was hated by the public because of the similarity to a dime when new and turning dark quickly. This bad idea was ditched before the end of the year. In 1944 and 1945 cents were partially made with melted down shell casings from training ranges in the US in order to free up “fresh” copper. It doesn’t make them more valuable, but are interesting to see. If your orphan finds a 1943 copper or 1944 steel cent you are doing very well since these rarities are worth north of $1,000,00 for a 43 and over $100,000 for a 44. I will be called a softie for suggesting it, but you might consider giving your change orphan an entire White Castle burger for finding such a rarity for you.
The melt value of the current cent is 0.0067¢, but today the cent costs almost two cents to make, so make of that what you will.
The Nickel
TJ, the man and not the store, has been rocking the front of the nickel since 1938. The nickel has remained a 75% Copper and 25% alloy since it was first minted in 1866. The exception is during WWII. Then the nickel was minted with 35% silver and 9% manganese. More about this later.
The modern nickel hasn’t changed much with two exceptions. During the Lewis & Clark bicentennial years (2004-2005) each year featured two different reverses for the Corps of Discovery. They have a slight numismatic value so you might want your orphans to hold them out for you, but then again you may not. In 2006 the traditional Monticello reverse returned but the obverse changed to Jefferson facing the observer. This didn’t change the value but changed the look.
Have your orphan hang onto all 1942-1945 war nickels they encounter since their bullion value is $0.86. They are easy to tell since they have large mint marks (P, D or S) above Monticello’s dome on the reverse. (See picture above) War nickels also have what I would call a streaky or greasy look from their alloy. Your orphans may want to follow metal prices since the nickel may get the content changed because the bullion value hovers around the 5¢ face value. The mint has experimented with several designs but can’t get one that meets lifespan tests while being recognized by vending machines.
When I was a kid in the 60’s you would find an occasional “Buffalo” nickel (1913-1938) in the change. If your orphan finds one you might want to pretend to smack them for having a counterfeit, but then smile at them since the coin is real. But odds are the date is worn off and it is only worth face value. (You would think that with 120 years of minting experience the mint would have known not to make the date the highest point on a coin, but with government employees watchya’ going to do?)
The “Clads” or Former Silver Coinage
From 1793 until 1965 dimes and larger denominations were minted with a 90% silver content. The debasement of coinage in 1965 stemmed from the value of the silver exceeding the face value of the coins starting in 1963. By 1964 there were severe shortages of coinage since people were saving the coins for their bullion value and not using them. When the same issue happened in the 1800’s Congress just made the coinage slightly lighter. The new lighter coins were the same design but with arrows by the dates. The “with arrow” coins returned to a face value slightly greater than the bullion value so they remained in circulation-problem solved. In 1965 Congress went a new direction and just debased the hell out of coinage. Henceforth dimes and quarters would be cupronickel and the half dollar was debased from 90% silver to 40% silver. In 1971 the half dollar was further debased to cupronickel.
The most important thing about the older bullion coins is that they still have an intrinsic value that far exceeds their face value. Currently it runs about 11 times face value. Your change orphan can tell these coins at a glance because of two key qualities: 1) they have an obvious different color of real silver vice the current cupronickel tone which should attract their eye. (If there were any libertarian women they could instantly tell you the difference in look between silver jewelry and “silver” jewelry and be happy to explain it while beating you for trying to give them junk.); 2) silver coins have a single color side and cupronickel coinage looks like a copper sandwich. If your orphan’s eyesight is less than optimal (why is he your change orphan then?) just note the date. Save any dime or quarter minted 1964 or before. Again, silver is worth 11x face value and clad is worth 5-8% face value.
If your vending machine orphan notes a young lass running a coin through a vending machine over and it is rejected each time have them be a gentleorphan. They should approach the lass and ask if they could be of assistance. Have the orphan examine the coin and offer to trade the lass a shiny new coin to replace the icky old silver coin that stands between them and their stale vending machine Poptart. One of the last silver quarters I found in the wild was obtained with precisely this bit of generosity. (Yes, I told her, and yet her hunger was more important than silver to her.) That is correct, vending machines may take a credit card but do not recognize legal silver coins.
The Dime
While it is tempting to demand your change orphan never let you see the obverse of the FDR dime, scratch that. I advise you to tell your change orphan to never let you see this coin. The likeness of FDR has been polluting change drawers since 1946 without a significant change- boring. Have them save all dated 1964 and before since they have a bullion value of $1.11, the rest should be kept away from your gaze and returned to circulation.
“Two Bits” or the Quarter
George Washington has had his slave owning, cis-heteronormative face on the quarter since 1932 but the reverse of this denomination has been a palette of history in 1975-1976 and since 1999. This is the most interesting coin currently minted by the US. It is very common and you will need to give your change orphan clear instructions on which quarters to save and which to place back into circulation. The first instruction for your change orphan I recommend is to save all minted in 1964 and before since their bullion value is $2.77. Now the instructions will become more personal. The Washington quarter is on track to have over 100 different reverses since 1999. On one extreme is “Fey! All coins minted since 1965 shall be immediately returned to circulation less the cruel stench of cupro-nickel befoul me.” The other extreme is, “Save and classify each quarter then lay them before me on baby seal skins so I may admire them as I snack upon a bald eagle egg omelet and quaffing champagne.” I recommend having your orphan identify any quarters you may like and circulate the rest.
The first change was for the Bicentennial celebration. Special quarters, halves and dollars were struck with 1776-1976 on the obverse and a bicentennial themed reverse- the quarter had a drummer boy. Then in 1997, over the objections of the Treasury Department, the Congress mandated the 50 State Quarters program. Five states were featured each year, in the order of entering the Union. The program was later expanded to include the territories and DC. Congress liked the program so much it basically repeated the program with the “America the Beautiful” featuring natural highlights (national parks etc.) starting in 2010 and running through 2021. There are too many images to show, but here are links to the various reverse sides.
The interesting thing about the state program is that each state developed and nominated the design for “their” quarter. The mint then tweaked the design to meet the demands of mass production. Some states clearly put effort into it, others not so much. (I’m looking at you Michigan, Texas, and Wyoming.) The current quarters run to lots of damn birds looking pretty much the same, but the Louisiana quarter has a very good image of a wild turkey in flight. My only advice to my fellow glibertarians is that if a particular reverse is striking to you, go ahead and have your change orphan save your choices and keep the rest in circulation. In addition, you may want to have your orphan quickly check to make sure no silver proofs are in your change satchel. Proofs are struck in silver on specially prepared blanks and double struck to bring out all the details. No proofs are released into general circulation, but my orphan found a proof Iowa quarter which I kept. Evidence once again of a bitter divorce or a family not realizing what grandpa left to them in his will.
Half Dollars
This coin is rarely encountered in the wild. Because of that, it is one of the easiest denominations to find bullion coins when your change orphan gets one. I really dislike the Kennedy Half Dollar because it is an unapologetic suck up to the cult of the imperial presidency. The reverse is nothing more than the presidential seal. The Bicentennial version at least has Independence Hall on the reverse. The 1964 mintage were HUGE because of the recent assassination and were saved by the millions. I recommend saving them because they are 90% silver and contain $5.54 in silver. From 1965-1970 the coins were debased to 40% silver but are worth a respectable $2.26 in bullion. From 1971-2001 the coin was struck in cupro-nickel. Since then it is no longer minted for general circulation. If your orphan finds a recent year half is from a cut apart uncirculated set (matte finish) or a silver proof.
The half dollar was a popular coin and in wide circulation until the 1963 coin crises. The large quantity of silver made this denomination the first to leave general circulation. Then millions of the new Kennedy dollars went straight into collections for several years. With the shortages of half dollars in daily use Americans grew out of the habit of using them. The lack of coins in circulation meant vending machines stopped accepting them and the coin withered away. But this long term lack of use is a good situation for a glibertarian. When your minions do actual in the bank banking have them ask for a roll of half dollars. Chances are decent your help will identify some silver coinage. My monetary orphans have even found earlier (Ben Franklin and Walking Liberty) halves in a roll handed over by unsuspecting bank tellers as recently as three months ago. If there is nothing but Kennedy Halves in the roll, enjoy watching clerks look at your orphan with WTF? faces when they use these coins to purchase goods and services.
Dollars or “cartwheels”
The true “silver dollar” of lore was last minted for general circulation in 1935 (melt value $11.84) and will not be found in your change from the “Mexican Pot and Ass Sex Shop”. Your orphan might approach you with an Eisenhower Dollar (1971-1978). This coin features the patch from the Apollo 11 mission on the reverse (except for the Bicentennial version). Make a quick check for of the side to see if it is a 40% silver collector version and smile benevolently since your orphan found a $4.84 bullion coin; if it is a copper sandwich, curse them mightily for wasting your time.
If your change orphan has been hanging around Post Offices, NY, SF or DC subways and other suspicious locations, get them deloused and their rags promptly replaced before checking the change satchel. Inside you may find the modern small dollar coins. There is actually a law mandating that PO’s and transportation systems accepting Federal dollars must have vending machines able to accept and disburse dollar coins. Among the usual coins there might be some coins that look like a slightly oversized quarter with an angry woman on the front and dated from 1979-1981 and 1999. These are the Susan B. Anthony dollars. The “Susie” is one of the stupidest outpourings from the government. The vending machine and casino industries desperately wanted a dollar coin that was better sized for their customers and the government responded by making 1,500,000,000 or so coins that were almost exactly the same size and color of the quarter. Casinos, merchants and the public were not amused and the coin was rarely seen. Even today store clerks curse me when my change orphan offers Susies in exchange for a good or service.
Congress told the Treasury Department to try again with a “gold colored” coin and in 2000 the Sacajawea Dollar was released. Unfortunately, it is a clad coin of little intrinsic value. Fortunately, the mint designed well and this coin is quite striking. It is easy to use and tell from smaller coinage, with smart designs on both sides of somebody besides a president. In the 18 years since the Susie was thrust upon the American people the vending machine and casino industries developed other solutions to the shortage of dollar coins so the new dollar coin never became popular. Since this was an attractive coin, Congress mucked around again and decided to change the reverse each year starting in 2009. Now this dollar is the most PC coin the nation produces. Each year a new Native American theme is on the reverse. While none of the designs will make your orphan gag from ugliness (yet), they aren’t as striking as the original eagle in flight. (2019 features “Native Americans and the space program”) But the law since 2007 requires that 1/5th of dollars produced each year must be in coins- so these dollars are stacking up in vaults by the many tens of millions annually since demand does not meet supply.
The final coins that might emerge from the satchel are the Presidential Dollar coins. Why were these coins made? Because if a striking coin like the Sacajawea dollar isn’t being widely used it must be time to double down.** In 2007 the new coins were released with four presidents a year until they caught up with the last dead president. The reverse features the Statue of Liberty. The new coins caught fire like a water balloon and by 2011 there were 1, 400,000,000+ uncirculated coins stockpiled. So Washington (1) to Garfield (20) were released for circulation. From Chester Arthur on the mint struck only smaller numbers (still around 10,000,000 each) for collectors. These later coins are legal tender and occasionally found in general circulation as well. Reagan was the last president on a coin. To satisfy my Glib heart, Jimmy Carter was never on a coin because of the requirement that the ex-president be actually dead. My orphan has found an occasional proof version of a presidential dollar and brought it to my attention. They are worth about $2 each. So go ahead and circulate them freely since your tax dollars purchased hundreds of million extra.
The GAO has published a report that if the Bureau of Engraving stopped making $1 bills and the country switched to dollar coins it estimates a savings of at least $5.5B over thirty years. With the billions of coins sitting in vaults and already produced I think that estimate is probably low. The vending industry is now fighting retiring the dollar bill because it invested heavily in adding bill readers to vending machines.
That’s About It
One other place that I have found silver coins for face value or less have been estate sales. Families often don’t know what grandpa was saving so coins appear in a variety of ways. I once picked up eleven Standing Liberty quarters for five cents each because they were in a bowl as “movie prop money.” The selling agent clearly did not know what she had in the estate. Another time my ex came home from an estate sale with a few minor purchases. A few days later I needed some change and found two silver quarters that she just got as change at the sale. Of course it was too late for me to go back and get more real quarters in change.
The story of America’s money changing from representing Liberty as an ideal to a collection of small scale tokens of presidential worship is an interesting one and perhaps the subject of another article in the future. Now please excuse me while I go swim in my collection of gold coins.
Oh yeah. Here are a couple of websites to help you determine the melt value of your American coinage.
*The Trade Dollar (1873-1885) was a dollar minted for overseas use, primarily in China. It was demonetized by Congress in 1876 to prevent their use in the US. Congress re-monetized the Trade Dollar in 1965 when it was too late to matter.
** Not really. The dollar and quarters programs rely upon seniorage to “make” money for the Treasury. Quarters cost around 4 cents to make, but the Treasury sells them to the bank for 25 cents. That means the Treasury has a reserve of 21 cents per coin which in theory reduces the amount of funding required from Congress. Collectors also create seniorage by removing coins from circulation and then they are not turned in as damaged for replacement. During the quarters program alone collectors have created an estimated $6B in seniorage.
Gregory Maguire – Hiddensee: A Tale of the Once and Future Nutcracker. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about this book. Everything about it feels like it doesn’t resolve, but maybe it’s just a good reflection of life and the small role we play in it.
Currently working on Arundhati Roy’s The Ministry of Utmost Happiness, I’m not sure why I like post-Colonial/Indian diaspora literature as much as I do. I distinctly remember reading Roy’s first novel The God of Small Things years ago but couldn’t tell you the plot now. TMoUH reminds me a bit of Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children with long ambling digressions and personal stories inextricably tied to the historical moment of independence and the partitioning of India and Pakistan. Like MC, I am constantly flipping between getting lost in the daily moments of the characters and just wanting her to get to the fucking point.
OMWC
I have the Alpha and Omega of essay collections. Let’s start with Alpha, and it encompasses the startling fact that, once upon a time, Fran Lebowitz was actually funny. Yes, amazing. While unpacking boxes of books to be shelved in our new home, I ran across my copy of Social Studies, which was a birthday present given to me when I was in grad school (and admittedly had a bit of a crush on her). This was before she had her long period of writer’s blockade, and morphed into a shrieking harpy resembling Linda Hunt on a bad day. These essays are actually funny, self-deprecating, and showing some insight into the culture of the time. Nothing profound, mind you, but fun and amusing, reminiscent of a similar oeuvre of Robert Benchley forty years previous to this. If you see a remaindered or used copy, grab it.
The omega is my later-in-life idol, Jorge Luis Borges, who could do it all- novels, short stories, poems, and essays. A brilliant and profound talent, with an imagination that only comes once every few centuries. Being the dullard I am, I have been enjoying another book dug up in our move, Selected Nonfictions, which covers language, history, culture, literature, politics, art… well, everything, really. And in this collection is my single favorite Borges essay, “The Art of Verbal Abuse.” I bet you were thinking I’d pick, “I, a Jew,” you fucking anti-semite. But every essay in here is a gem, immaculately translated, and bursting with insight and beauty.,Don’t wait for a sale or remainder, just buy this. Now.
Staff: We asked JW to tell us about what he was reading, but we found him curled up, sobbing in a blanket fort with a flashlight and a dog-eared copy of Old Yeller and figured he’d get to it later.
SugarFree
I have continued my Lovecraft Mythos kick, reading both early Mythos contributors, especially those writing while Lovecraft was still alive: Robert E. Howard, Robert Bloch, Edward Belknap Long, Clark Ashton Smith, August Derleth, Henry Kuttner; and Lovecraft’s self-identified influences, collected in H. P. Lovecraft’s Favorite Weird Tales: The Roots of Modern Horror, edited by Douglas A. Anderson. While familiar faces appear–Poe, Machen, Bierce–I enjoyed reading the more obscure authors like M. L. Humphreys, whose story in the collection, “The Floor Above” (1923), is the only story he or she ever published and oft-anthologized “The Night Wire” (1926) by H. F. Arnold, another lost author. (His or her only other two short stories have never been republished since they originally appeared in pulps.)
Swiss Servator
Beer list, wine list, spirits list, contract for work, contract for work, contract for work, continuing legal education, continuing legal education…wait here it is!
So the United Methodist district I live in is shriveling under the sweaty hand of the bishop who is ever so slightly to the left of Chairman Mao. She has packed the district with mini-mes. And this coterie of pudgy, earnest leftwing, 50-60 somethings are too engaged in various protests and public temper tantrums to conduct much of a church. So I went Protestant shopping. Just across the bean field from my house sits a Lutheran church. So I wandered over, went to a traditional service. Met the pastor later on and he gave me a copy of said book. I got homework. Man, these people are serious. But, I guess it is good to do some due diligence, so I am about 20-25% through right now. I get a bit wary of the “with Explanation” part, but that is just the libertarian in me, I guess.
As I am in the Commandments, and the basics still, I can’t say much about the more advanced points. Also, I have not been ordered to burn OMWC’s house yet. So I have that going for me.
Recovering from the oddest sinus infection I have ever experienced. Way behind on sleep, work, and I haven’t been shooting in a week. The skies are silent and cold. They tell me little. The only alignment is Saturn retrograde – Earth – Mercury signifying a new beginning at home. Which is — perhaps — somewhat more useful than telling us that the sun will rise in the East (for those living in temperate latitudes). It will be a really excellent week for Cancers, packing the sun, Mercury and Mars in there for a few days. The beginning of the week will be extraordinarily auspicious for those born under that sign for success in competitions, and for everyone else, it’s advice to play things defensively if you want to win. Familial harmony persists with Venus in Gemini, and the Moon in Pisces will make it very difficult to establish anything permanent. Instead take advantage of the ephemeral nature of events and things.
The cards say this week is going to be chock-full of obstacles and opposition. But, they also say that this week is beatable if you use your resources effectively. So you’ve got that going for you. Expect stricter monitoring from your superiors.
This week has an interesting couple of intersecting alignments: We’ve got Jupiter (retrograde)-Luna-Terra-Sol indicating change/chaos/disruption at home” with Saturn(retrograde)-Terra-Mercury “News of a new beginning.” So basically, home life made all higgledy-piggiedy as the result of a new addition to the family dynamic. This can be an excellent status check, because if you have a birth, new pet, or your SO gets a new FWB, you can rejoice in the fact that you are important enough for the stars to foretell the events that happen under your roof. For other celestial advice, expect slander and scurrilous accusations (Mercury and Mars in Cancer) and well, let’s say careful phrasing and selective chronicling of events may prove useful to your love life (Venus and the Sun in Gemini). The moon in Virgo also encourages subtlety, euphemism, and oblique suggestions.
The cards this week has a certain indication of something going wrong in a very unfair way. There is another pronounced but odd sign that… well, the best I can translate it is “violence at an orgy?” It’s not typical “you’re going to get rolled by a whore” notification, there’s a much more ritualistic aspect to the whole thing. Is someone going to attend a Gnostic mass maybe? An O.T.O. initiation? And will they be too embarrassed to tell us about it? There is an overarching aspect of formality and protocol to the week.
Gemini: 10 of Swords – Pain, affliction, tears, sadness, desolation
Just one alignment here, but it’s portentous: Mars-Mercury-Venus with the Sun in opposition. Mars and Venus are simultaneously opposing planets (War/Peace, Violence/Love, etc) as well as complementary (Male/Female). When you have them facing off across Mercury (change) you’ve got a recipe for something big, sudden and/or unexpected. Good or bad? Well… that’s where the sun in opposition comes in saying “sucks to be you.” Wear a helmet.
Now having said that, the best tactics for dealing with this are as follows:
Patience, directness and labor will be your allies. Allies are important. Strategery double-dealing and various Xanatos gambits are not recommended. (Mercury and Venus in Taurus).
Secrets will be used against you. Keep your skeleton closets locked up tight, maintain your payoffs and/or threats to keep people from talking (Mars in Cancer).
Precision, subtlety and “proper channels” are not to be relied upon (Jupiter (retrograde) and the moon in Sagittarius).
Plan, don’t rely on improvisation (Saturn (retrograde) in Capricorn).
The cards also indicate a week full of happy horseshit. The first six cards drawn were all reversed, and the leadoff one literally means “Bad Luck.”
Taurus: The Wheel of Fortune, reversed – Increase, superfluity
Cancer: Knight of Wands, reversed – Rupture, division, interruption, discord
Leo: The Moon, reversed – Instability, inconstancy, silence. Lesser degrees of deception and error.
Virgo: 7 of Swords, reversed – Good advice, counsel, instruction, slander, babbling
Libra: Page of Swords, reversed – A situation for which you are unprepared, a weaselly bastard working against you, possible sickness.
Scorpio: 5 of Coins, reversed – Disorder, chaos, ruin, prolifigacy
Sagittarius: Ace of Swords – Triumph, excessiveness in everything, great force in love or hate
Capricorn: The Tower – Misery, distress, ruin, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception. The frogurt is also cursed.
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Progressivism as Millenarian Cult
I’ve alluded to this several times in the comment section and finally got around to consolidating my thoughts into something (semi) coherent.I believe that modern Progressivism functions much in the same way as a Millenarian cult.For those not familiar, Millenarian cults have been around for basically as long as humans have been around.The etymology of the word is not 100% clear, but it seems to stem from the claim from Revelations that the Second Coming will usher in a reign of perfection for 1000 years.This is the Christian version, but these types of cults go back much further than that.The basic idea is that there will be a sudden and fundamental shift in which all of society is transformed, usually after some kind of catastrophe (war, natural disaster, plague, etc.) and afterward, the righteous will live on in a Utopia.ISIS was a Millenarian cult in that they were open about wanting to goad the West into a “war to end all wars” that would bring about the perfect Islamic society.Progs, I believe, have crossed into this arena in that much of their behavior is overtly, and often pointlessly, antagonistic to their ideological enemies.For example: immigrant caravans.These are quite obviously being organized top-down by prog NGOs and non-profits, then covered extensively by the DemOpMedia.Why now?They could have been doing this for 8 years during Obama and he likely would have bent over backward to accommodate them and bring the people in.Instead, they pull this stunt during Trump’s admin in which his primary campaign plank is ending illegal immigration.They’re trying to provoke a response and I believe it goes far beyond political gamesmanship.They are, quite literally, on a Mission from G-d (or whatever higher power they ascribe to) and crave war.You see it everywhere in the DemOpMedia; times when it would makes sense in every way to try and deescalate, they turn things up to eleven antagonizing for seemingly no reason.Their ratings and reputation continue to find new meanings of rock bottom; but those are temptations of Babylon.They have a greater purpose, they must bring about the Apocalypse at any cost.Only then can Bad Orange Man and his army of sub-human Deplorables be wiped from the Earth once and for all.Then, my brothers, sisters and non-binary otherkin, the great World to Come will be upon us and we will bask in the warm, healing glow of perfect society.
Better Living Through Chemistry: Prescription Edition
In a previous Brain Toilet, I outlined the best OTC supplements for life enhancement, now I move on to prescriptions.A few words of caution: I strongly recommend conferring with a physician before undertaking any of these treatments.The last thing I want on my conscience is some foolish Glib trying one of these cavalierly and ending up disabled or dead.Ultimately, you are responsible for what you put in your body, but please be careful.One more note, it is (mostly) legal to order these meds over the internet as long as they aren’t scheduled.If they’re scheduled/controlled, all bets are off.I take no responsibility for your decisions; once again use your best judgement.Basically, don’t take these drugs, ever.Good thing I have a friend who can tell me all about their effects.
Cabergoline – I have flogged this miracle drug in the comment section before so you should be mildly familiar with it.This is an ergot derivative dopamine agonist, specifically of the D2 receptor.Approved treatments are Parkinsons’s and RLS, but it is sometimes used off-label for depression and used recreationally for sexy fun time.You see, this drug suppresses prolactin, the hormone responsible for the male refractory period; meaning if you take it for a couple of weeks, your prolactin level will drop basically to zero and you will be able to ejaculate over and over with little to no break in between.Watch out for signs of impulse control disorder or DAWS.Use caution, but my friend says it’s totes worth it.
Topiramate – This is an anti-epileptic drug that is also sometimes used for bipolar as well.It is also notorious for rapid and massive weight loss, so much so that it’s sometimes used off-label for antipsychotic associated weight gain.My friend says this stuff works as advertised and fast.No one really knows why it does this, but concerted effort is required to make sure the weight stays off once the drug is no longer being taken.The list of side-effects is also about 2 miles long so caveat emptor.
Various Serotonergic Drugs for Premature Ejaculation – This is not a problem my friend has traditionally had issues with so a grain of salt is likely needed here, but these drugs’ ability to delay ejaculation for men quick on the trigger is very well documented.If you suffer from said problem and you’d like to treat your gal/guy to longer rolls in the hay, this could be a solution for you.Each flavor seems to have different levels of activity though, ranging from fluvoxamine (minor delay if at all) to clomipramine (he/she wants to be fucked until the next arrival of Haley’s Comet).These drugs are very well studied so you can find mountains of information on them.
Trazodone – Another antidepressant, but not of the serotonergic variety, this guy does not cause the same sexual issues as the previous ones and his primary off-label use is for insomnia.A low dose (50 mg or so) should be enough to send you to dreamland post haste with minimal drowsiness the next day.
Things Worse Than Hitler
Using water instead of milk for hot cocoa
People who continue to text/talk on the phone while at the counter of a business
Dewpoints above 70F
Granny panties
Tube socks
Jar Jar Binks
Charles Preston’s crossword puzzles
Meaningless MBA corporate buzzwords
The destruction of one of your favorite places on Earth by a shithead land developer but you can’t get too mad because it’s capitalism after all and time marches on
Girls that don’t keep things fresh “down there”
Real Salt Lake
Hipsters who like things “you’ve probably never heard of bro”
Nike soccer balls
Juniper, unless harnessed in gin
And of course, DRUMPF (am I doing this right?)
The End… ?
Until next time sweet Glibs.Look both ways before you cross the street, always brush your teeth and wrap your whacker before you attack her.You have been subjected to yet another peristaltic ejection from Q’s brain, make sure you wash your hands before you eat.
Hello Glibs, it’s been awhile, but your old Master of Scaremonies the Cryptkeeper is here to provide my annual superfuntimestory of the bestest holiday on my calendar outside of Halloween – Texas Frightmare Weekend! This article is *at least* five times as long as it needs to be, because I know you’re reading this at work and I’m trying to give you an excuse to not get back to that for an extra 10 minutes. You’re welcome. Do keep reading, though – there’s lots of cursing, lame jokes, celebrity stories, and a 40k reference for my fellow hyper-nerds. Plus I had fun last year with our game of, “There are so many links, I wonder which one of them randomly goes to a weird porn site?” that I decided to play again this year. Happy hunting!
To begin with, this shit has gotten completely out of hand. They sold out of Saturday single day tickets (est. attendance this year of 35,000), and the fucking hotel rooms sold out at the main venue within two hours of going on sale. We were able to snag a room at the last second because they caught some dude reserving 20 rooms and trying to re-lease them out at a markup. Thankfully the dumbass advertised them on the Facebook meetup page for the event, so the organizer cancelled his block reservation & they opened the rooms back up. My wife received an automatic update and we jumped on one. True story: we got the last one, and it wound up being a handicapped room. It was YUUUGE. Like twice the size of a regular room. What’s a fucking cripple need with all that space? Don’t they need less space? It’s not like they’re prancing about or have friends that they can invite up or anything else requiring room. Even the shower was much larger. Don’t just take my word for it, here’s a photo. It’s so big you don’t even get the edge of the bed in frame.
Crip room
Now most, if not all of you, are probably mentally saying to me, “Gojira, we know that Texas Frightmare Weekend is always held on the first weekend of May. So why come this year, Dallas Fan Expo, the larger (50k+ attendance) pop culture, sci-fi, and comic book convention that used to be called Dallas Comic Con, moved its date to directly compete? Aren’t they targeting the same people?” Well astute reader, indeed that was the plan – of the FanExpo organizer. Here’s a little inside baseball for you, as was related to me by a buddy of mine involved in the whole sordid affair: FanExpo wanted to be the only game in town & approached the Texas Frightmare organizer, Loyd Cryer, about buying him out. He told them to fuck off and die in a fire (paraphrasing mine -ed). In what is possibly an act of pure spite, which is just my conjecture and in no way libelous, FanExpo moved their event to the same weekend. I think their big-shot corporate overlords thought that the nerdy public is one undifferentiated mass, and that being the larger event with more headline guests, they would draw interest and put a little bit of a beat-down on ol’ Texas Frightmare.
Turns out the Venn Diagram of people who are comic book and pop culture nerds, and people who are hardcore horror fans, does have overlap, but not nearly to the degree that the FanExpo jerks had hoped. I do fear, though, that this blatant act of separatism has resulted in some unfortunate battlelines being drawn and our two populations being given reason to resent and distrust one another. Thanks alot, FanExpo! If I ever see Jonathan Frakes on the street, I’ll fuckin’ kill him and leave a human turd on his forehead and a little note written on a cocktail napkin that says, “Defend Horror” written in his blood and pinned to his body with a little plastic sword along with some photos of those abused dogs from the SPCA commercials.
Interestingly, the above paragraph wasn’t just one long setup to a largely unfunny joke about murdering Will Riker. There really is a distinct difference between the two groups, and if you swing both ways, as I do [insert “Oh My!” George Takei gif], you notice it when surrounded entirely by one group or the other. By and large the horror crowd, where I spend more time, is more…enthusiastic…about ordering their lifestyle around their interests. They don’t just dye their hair, they have a shit-load of tats and piercings, dress somewhat raggedly, curse a lot more, drink a lot more, and are generally more “blue collar” types. They also skew distinctly more conservative. There are a lot more pro-2A shirts, and shirts making fun of liberals, at horror events, than shirts or patches with leftist slogans. Hell, I saw a couple of Confederate flag patches on vests this weekend, and nobody gave them a second glance. For all you aspies rushing to the comments to correct me that it’s actually the battle flag of Northern Virginia or whatever the hell, save yourselves the spittle-flecked outrage. When I say, “Confederate flag”, you damn well know what I’m talking about, so just simmer down and roll with it. If you promise not to be a ludicrous pendant, I’ll not purposefully replace the word “magazine” with “clip” in any future firearms articles I may write.
The thing is, I’m not sure why this is. This is a group of people who are obviously comfortable with, shall we say, non-traditional mores in terms of public behavior, modes of dress, etc., and yet they actually skew conservative. The sci-fi/comic crowd is overwhelmingly leftist, but they also are overwhelmingly just fat guys able to take off their blue TOS shirts at the end of the day and blend back into “regular” society. I can’t help but wonder why this is. I’m sure Ken Shultz has a theory that he’d like to expound on (just ribbing you in good nature, Ken). Joe Bob Briggs mentioned it during his panel, as well, so it’s not just me making shit up…this time.
So not as many photos this year, for which I apologize. If you haven’t read my past entrieson this event, be warned: this is literally the only time of the year I take photos, so I cannot be assed to get good at it because I just don’t care. Anyway, even five years ago, when you purchased an autograph from a guest, it came with a selfie. Now every one of these greedy fucks charges an extra $10, except for a few who are cool.
Bruce Abbot is cool. He does not charge extra.
I will note that they didn’t have glowsticks available at the after party again this year. I think our little art project that I showed you all photos of in the 2017 entry put the kibosh on that for everybody. At least I hope that’s why there weren’t any. I’d love to believe that my one merry band of assholes managed to ruin something for tens of thousands of people. It’d put me right up there with John Dillinger.
Great guests though, and great panels. We had Jeffrey Combs, who given his wonderful Star Trek roles would have been just as at home at FanExpo, but he’s also done great work in horror. I’m a huge Jeffrey Combs fanboy, so this was a special treat for me. We had Meat Loaf, who fell off the fucking stage at his panel and broke his collarbone. Looks great for his age, though, really. Jenna Jameson, on the other hand, does not. Her ass looked like a fucking tray table. I wanted to set my drink on it, then smack her hard in the face and see if the drink fell off. It doesn’t show up in google image search, oddly enough. Trust me, I wanted to add a picture. Traci Lords has aged a bit better, and Cassandra Peterson (better known as Elvira) I’d still drill like an out of control oil rig. The big guns were Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell, along with Sam’s brother Ted Raimi. Robert Englund,Lance Henrickson, Tom Savini, and various other regular guests were in the house, as well as…Lee Majors! Scott Ian and Charlie Benante of Anthrax were also present, and the corpse of Tim Curry. Along with many other assorted peoples who had roles in some sequels or other.
The year started off with a screening of Re-Animator on Thursday night, with Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbot, and Barbara Crampton (who, like Elvira, is still super do-able despite being old) in attendance to do a panel. They also had Kathleen Kinmont from Bride of Re-Animator, but really who cares about her. She does reappear later in our narrative in a humorous role, so that’s something I suppose. In addition to their panel at the screening, they had a panel during the main convention.
The Re-Animator panel
The panel was great in that, rather than just tell stories, almost the whole thing focused on the craft of filmmaking, particularly low-budget film making in the 80s. Without going into great detail, they spoke about the long days on low-budget shoots (14-18 hrs per day, as principal photography had to be completed in 18 days), and about how big name actors can get away with being aloof, but working in the nooks and crannies, the only way to get a good performance is for the actors to be completely emotionally available to each other in order to create instant chemistry. They mentioned that, as they all were coming from theater backgrounds, they got together at Barbara’s apartment for a few weeks beforehand to rehearse, which is a big no-no if SAG finds out about it because it constitutes working without pay. Jeffrey mentioned that sometimes having fewer resources forces the director and editor to make tighter, better choices, because when given infinite time and money, some people go overboard and don’t know when enough is enough. He also mentioned that, back when you had to actually film on, you know, film, low-budget productions would purchase things called “ends”. These were the chopped off leftovers of film reels after standard budget films were done using the reels. They’d cut off what was left and sell it cheap. So it was a great way to accumulate film on a tight budget, but you’d only be able to do like 3 minutes on each one and it was annoying to have to work through. As for the audience questions, it’s bizarrely awkward to ask a question to a woman whose tits & bush you just saw, along with her about to get eaten out by a revenant holding its own severed head between her legs (if you haven’t seen Re-Animator, stop what you’re doing and watch it now. It’s better than any Marvel film by x1000).
The Lee Majors Q&A was a bit depressing. Due to the way television contracts were structured back then, he never saw a dime from any Steve Austin merchandise, and indeed claims to have had no idea so much of it was ever produced until he started doing conventions. He spoke about the old snobbery that shut out television stars from film productions, and told a funny anecdote about how he loved Bill Shatner when he worked with him, but that Shat had a tendency to, “die to the balcony”. He explained that it’s theater slang for wildly over-acting. He also talked about how Andre the Giant, when playing sasquatch on the show, pissed in the suit all the time, which was super gross, but was also the nicest guy in person you could ever hope to meet, which was super great.
Joe Bob Briggs did a good panel, and spoke about the state of trash cinema and its relative place in modern film production vs. where it was when he got started way back when. He and I chatted a bit about small towns in west Texas. He didn’t think I’d know a few of the places where he’d lived, but I went to college in Lubbock, and so we shared some fond memories of a shitty place that is populated entirely by people who fail out of that college. Another really nice guy. Honestly, the only person who has ever been a dick to us after all these years that we’ve been going was Billy Zane. I still think that, much like Georgia against Texas this past year, Alabama against Oklahoma in that Sugar Bowl a few years back, or Florida against Louisville a few years before that, he just didn’t want to be there and therefore that magically excuses shitty performances.
We bought a few stupid things, like a full-size xenomorph skull
So I own this now, I guess.
because I’m buddies with that vendor and he gave it to me for wholesale. There were some good costumes, but frankly the best ones were people who come every year, and I already took pictures of them and showed you all over the last couple of years. So below are some pics from this year, but not nearly as many. Karaoke on Sat. night was awful, like always, though everybody was in a good mood. Kathleen Kinmont showed up to rock out, but was wasted and happened to share an elevator with us back up to our floor. She was drunk enough that she didn’t stop singing or rocking out once off the stage – it went for the whole elevator ride. There were no infamous David Arquette episodes, however (fun fact: right before he got on stage that night, he bought me a beer at the bar. I didn’t know until later that he was supposed to have been on the wagon. Whoops). I’m also now turning it into an annual tradition to bum a smoke off of Lance Henrikson. Nice guy, but seriously, American Spirits? C’mon, Lance, I wanna see some fancy Hollywood cigarettes.
The year ended with the Sam & Ted Raimi with Bruce Campbell panel. It was really a treat. They’ve known each other since middle school, and told great stories about each other growing up. Sam busted Bruce’s chops constantly, and they told stories about all the things they did as they went around Detroit trying to scrounge up money to make Evil Dead. Sam Raimi has an annoyingly nasally voice, FYI. Anyway the highlight of the panel was, when half the room is raising their hand to ask a question, a particular person who was picked stood up and asked them their opinion on Mac and Me, a shitty 1988 E.T. knockoff. Now keep in mind, none of the panelists had a blessed thing to do with that abomination of a movie. Nothing. It was the non-sequitur from hell. They were so confused they didn’t even know what he was asking – Ted kept thinking he was asking about “mac and cheese”. The moderator even face-palmed and said under his breath but still audibly into the mike, “You get a chance to ask these guys a question and you ask about fucking Mac and Me?” and you could hear the exasperation in his voice. I mean it was bizarre. The questioner was booed down, and after the panel ended and I was waiting outside for my wife to use the restroom, Ted, Sam, and Bruce came out through that side hallway. They were still talking about that, making fun of the guy and wondering what the fuck he was talking about. Seriously, this is like getting to go back in time and pose a question to George Washington, and all you can come up with is asking him if he likes the new Prius body style.
So that was this years (mis)adventure. I was quasi-drunk for most of it and blew $1,500 in three days, but fuck it, that’s why I fight for $15. I look forward to updating you all on the event’s 15th iteration next year, if you don’t see me in the news for bombing FanExpo beforehand.
TWO evil elevator movies from the same director? You’re fucking telling me that you made one evil elevator movie, looked yourself in the mirror and said, “You know what? Ima do it again. The world needs another killer elevator movie.”Me in front of a legit 73′ Oldsmobile Delta 88, from the film Evil Dead.Somebody dressed as the bad guy from Army of DarknessHere’s one you don’t see every convention: a guy dressed like Dr. Loomis. Though he still had that fucking Walking Dead baseball bat, so fuck him.The “battle Delta”, the Delta 88 transformed for combat at the end of Army of DarknessThis person has cleverly turned a book into a monster. My wife tells me it has something to do with Harry Potter, and is therefore un-Christian.I just thought it was funny that this guy was dressed like a fascist, his name for the karaoke was like “Lord Commander” or some shit like that, and he sang fucking Blondie.I love the difference between horror cons and other cons. Here, for example, instead of ripped dudes in tight clothes saving the world, we have family-friendly comics with titles like, “Lets All Die!”Randos in costumeSome dude dressed as the CreeperThis was a clever one. He’s dressed like Stephen King’s poor character from the movie Creepshow.Clever Nightmare on Elm Street costume. More clever than the 1,000 Freddy’s walking around the convention, at any rate.Remember when I did a series of film reviews that focused on the giallo genre? This guy gets it.The Death Note guy was here the last few years, but the chick’s demon costume was super intricate and she ended up winning the contest on Friday night I believe. The most important thing is she was hot.OK now this is what is wrong with the world. This is the side of the box of a Castle Greyskull re-issue toy. Notice that, unlike, say, the original Castle Greyskull box, the person shown enjoying it is not a 5 year old boy, but rather a 35 year old “man” with a shit-eating grin on his face and I FUCKING WANT THAT CASTLE GREYSKULL.A little kid dressed as Nosferatu. I thought it was cute.A shirt for little kids. If you don’t know what the Pork-Chop Express is, stop reading my fucking column.Another great example of horror culture – a children’s book titled, “I Like To Eat Children”. And yes, I bought it for one of my nephews.Another pretty well done costumeI thought this was clever – the guy made a medusa skull.Remember when I mentioned in one of my film reviews about Anthropophagus, the giallo film about the crazy cannibal who at the end of the movie eats his own intestines? SOMEBODY MADE A FUCKING DOLL FOR THAT MOVIE HOLY SHITWeird nazi porn. “Deported Women of the SS Special Section” and “Gestapo’s Last Orgy”.Shit, it’s better than concentration camp pornThis guy was the rarest thing of all at a convention – an original character. Sadly because it’s an original character I completely forgot it’s name and the youtube channel the people were trying to tell me to subscribe to where they upload their short films.Ash Predator. He’s the Predator, but with a ripped blue shirt, chainsaw hand, shotgun slung on his back, and a deadite-colored severed head of another predator.Scott Ian of Anthrax making sure I know I’m not supposed to be taking a picture of him.Two tattoo artists this year. The wife and I are seriously thinking of signing up for a flash next year, which is really all they do given the time constraints.Randumb decoration on a table. Only at Texas Frightmare.Look in the background – it’s advertising a movie called Velocipastor that we saw for free that Friday night about a priest who turns into a were-dinosaur and saves Chinese prostitutes. It…was…awesome.
Viva Las Vegas, it’s a film, a song, and one of the longest running Rockabilly weekenders in the world. What’s Rockabilly? It’s a style of music that started in the 50’s (primarily in Memphis at a little studio called Sun), had a revival in the 80’s, and has been slapping a bass since then. It’s split up into a huge range of subgenres, some going more punk, others going more “classic” (in this case 1950’s style). Among the fans, there’s also usually an appreciation of classic cars, 50’s fashion, and Americana culture. Pompadours, facial hair, flatcaps, and tattoos are common.
Back to Viva… this year was the 22nd year that the event was held, and for as long as I’ve been going, it’s been held at the Orleans Casino and Resort in Las Vegas, off the strip. The Orleans is known as a locals casino. But over most Easter weekends (when Viva is held), they turn off the standard music, change it over to Rockabilly, and swarms of people with their classic cars and finest 50’s fashion fall upon the Orleans. The event is popular enough that rooms for the next year go on sale before the tickets for the event do, and the rooms sell out in under three hours.
The men have it easy, bowling shirts and work shirts are the standard, with a couple of zoot suits and the like being worn. If you have hair, it’s either a high and tight or held up into a pompadour. The women have a much harder time dolling themselves up, but they go through the work and it shows. However, there are some entire families who dress themselves up in matching garb for the day (I’m not too sure about how much say the kids have, but they’re there).
The Car Show is the highlight. If you can only go for a single day, this is the day.
Over the course of the weekend, there’s burlesque shows, pinup contests, concerts, DJ’s, vendor rooms, dance lessons, make up lessons, fashion lessons, bowling, movie premiers, and other shows of interest to the attendees. And that’s not even mentioning the car show, it’s massive, with all cars (except the ones from movies/TV shows) being pre-1964. If you’re not careful, you could walk away purchasing one of the cars that are for sale.
Now that you know what’s going on there, you’ve decided you want to go. Great, what should you plan for? First, plan on walking a lot. I don’t think I’ve walked less than 5 miles any day out there. Realize that you’ll probably not be able to get a room at the Orleans; however, keep in mind that they have a shuttle to their sister property (the Gold Coast), and the strip. Tickets for the main event come in basically two choices: The High Roller, which gives you access to everything all weekend; or the Car Show, which gives you access to the car show only on Saturday (that will include the vendors in that area, and the bands playing there). If you don’t have appropriate garb, then the vendors will be more than happy to help you out there, but bring cash as some do not take credit/debit cards..
Sweet Pea’s Hooch and Smooch
If you’re going for the first time, I’d recommend going to Sweet Pea’s Hooch and Smooch on Thursday afternoon. It’s the official meet and greet for the event, and then there’s more specific meetups for singles, LGBT, sober, black pin-ups, etc. I’d also recommend looking over the schedule ahead of time, and try to at least get a rough schedule of the events you want to see. Personally, I’d recommend at least one burlesque event, and the Charles Phoenix slide show. Most of the shows happen multiple times (but may be different for each of them), bands usually only play once, but then hang out around the weekender for the rest (I met one of the players from Los Straitjackets that way, it’s not like you can recognize them).
I’ve already got my room booked for next year, and I hope to see some of you there. If you haven’t seen it yet, here’s some pictures from this year, and some from years past.
As an adult I always had a dark sense of humor. This wasn’t a problem because I was a Marine Corps Artilleryman and we were all pretty twisted. The first time I got any strange looks, I had changed jobs from Artillery over to Communications. During our “Welcome back to civilization” brief after an Afghanistan deployment, the safe driving instructor told us a story of a young woman texting her boyfriend while driving. She ended up dying in the bottom of a drainage ditch. Her last text was “Where u at?”. I said maybe he answered that he was in the ditch. I thought that was funny, but apparently no one else did. I told my wife this story, still chuckling over my own cleverness, she shook her head and gave me the stink eye.
Fast forward 7 years, I’m watching Amazon’s Patriot with my wife and laughing my ass off when he pushes a coworker in front of a truck for the second time because the poor bastard was starting to recover his memory about the first time. If you haven’t seen Patriot, and your humor is dark, I can’t recommend it highly enough. Anyway, my wife turns to me and starts going off. “What’s wrong with you, how is this funny?” “Too dark!” So I asked her about the movie we watched the prior weekend, UHF. She said that one was “GIRII GIRII,” Japanese for right on the edge. I was a little surprised by this, she had never complained about my humor being too dark before. After a lot of my jokes, she would tell me that was wrong, but she would still be laughing. Somehow Patriot crossed a line.
I prefer dark humor to toilet humor. Robin Williams screaming that he is “Rainbow-Fucking-Randolph” is funnier to me than anything I’ve ever seen in a Jim Carrey movie. Or Snatch, when Cousin Avi kills Tony while trying to shoot the dog, funnier than “The price is wrong bitch”.
How did I get this way?
I blame Dr. Demento, a weekly radio show that played weird and funny songs. I used to listen to it every Sunday night on my little transistor radio under my pillow.
All of these are GIRI GIRI to my wife, funny and really close to the line, but not quite over.
My wife says this one is over the line, but it did the impossible, made a pedo clown funny: Kinko the Clown
Even now just singing it to myself puts a smile on my face.
I have learned and don’t make as many jokes in front of people as I used to. I did piss my Sister-in-Law off once: she is an awesome lady, but she got my redneck truck driving brother to walk in the https://www.walkamileinhershoes.org/challenge. We were talking about that while drinking beer and got on the topic of wife beatings. I told two of my favorite jokes:
What does a woman do when she gets home from the Woman’s Shelter?
The dishes if she’s smart.
And…
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, someone already told her twice.
She knows I love her and if someone was beating a woman I cared about, it would be a bad day for that son of a bitch, but holy shit, she was mad. She didn’t yell, but you could tell. No long term harm but my wife was flabbergasted that I would tell those jokes in public. I figure that because I don’t beat my wife and I have a very dim view of those who do, there is no reason to be offended by my telling the jokes. If I had beat my wife, and then told those jokes, I could understand the anger.
My wife really hates that one, but I have listened to it many hundreds of times and I still laugh every time. It starts sounding like a love song, every line adds a little more of a twist until you realize the truth.
Usually YouTube comments are a dumpster fire, but this one was perfect:
I wish I could forget this song so that I can experience listening to it for the first time again.
I don’t think I’ve been offended by a joke since I was 13, and most if not all of the Glibs seem about the same, so let me know your favorite things that are not appropriate for normal people.
