Feeling down? Experiencing loss of interest in things you used to enjoy? Trouble sleeping? Well I have just the thing! Q-azine, the breakthrough new medication will whisk away all your troubles and put you into a state of half-conscious stupor from which there is no escape. In convenient gummy form, even children can benefit from Q-azine’s quasi-comatose state. So just take this, chew it up and relax…
IN THE FUTURE!!!
– Humans will surpass their own intellectual limits due to enormous penises. Stem cell and reconstructive technology will get advanced enough to be applied to male genital surgery and supply the world’s men with giant, quivering, foot-long intromissive assassins. In order to accommodate these shiny new love tools, women’s vaginas will have to experience a similar increase in size, either through surgical intervention or sexually selective evolution. Since baby’s heads are disproportionately large to provide capacity for our oversized brains, and the female birth canal is the primary limiting factor on said noggin, it only makes sense that babies will eventually begin evolving larger brains and superior intelligence due to womens’ capacious vaginas.
– Due to VR, virtual presence technology, telecommuting and increasing network speed and availability, people will become even more isolated and atomized than ever with many/most barely leaving the house. Physical contact with other people will be largely limited to fleeting and anonymous sexual encounters between partners determined by algorithm. A few lunatic religious throwbacks will continue to cultivate friendships and families; but the men will still have humungous dongs.
– Neuroscientists will have determined the proper intensity and frequency of strobing light to hack the human brain and cause euphoria. Therefore, the DEA will classify photons as an illicit substance.
– Increases in crop yields, wealth, free time and entertainment across the developing world will elevate the standard of living to heights never before seen. The climate will remain stable and worldwide crime and terrorism will drastically drop. Trade will largely replace military brinksmanship as the way in which former adversaries relate. Mass migration will mostly be a thing of the past as various nations get closer to economic parity. Naturally, all these developments will convince millions that the world is coming to an end and the system must be drastically reformed to prevent chaos and the destruction of humanity.
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be recovering from her latest bout of cancer and eager to begin her 217th year on the bench.
In Defense of the Unabomber (for straff)
Earlier this month, straffinrun challenged me to offer a defense of the Unabomber after I made a glib comment in response to his assertion that no man is an island. I could find the exchange, but I’m lazy. In spite of my initial glibitude, I began thinking and I actually think there is a fair amount about the Unabomber that’s admirable. This, of course, does *not* include the killing; I’ll go on record right now and unequivocally condemn the bombings (as if it needs to be said). In fact, the bombings were just about the stupidest possible thing he could have done, both from a moral standpoint (obviously), but also for his message. You see, I actually think there is actually a lot of validity to his thought process and he completely undermined any legitimate interest philosophers, sociologists and technology critics might have in it; and there would be a lot of interest, believe me.
I’ll address two points: first, that he was an unambiguous whack-job, and second, that no man is an island and only lunatics would live the way he did. Ted Kaczynski was definitely ill and socially maladjusted. But I certainly don’t think he was unambiguously crazy. His manifesto outlines how human have become slaves to their own technological creations. Even as we incorporate more and more technology into our lives, we become more and more enslaved to it; seeing the way people interact with their smart phones, I’d almost call this point axiomatic. Of course his solution was to attack and murder those he considered responsible for the technological breakthroughs he hated so much; so that’s kind of where he lost the script. But many of his larger points, I think, stand.
The second point I’m addressing is the cliché that “no man is an island”. It’s true that humans are nominally social creatures in a pathetic sort of way. Our social organization is one small step above chimpanzees. Rather than something to be celebrated, I see social organization and interpersonal dependence as something to try to transcend and evolve past. Buddhist monks spend their whole lives separating themselves from the corporeal to try and embrace the ethereal. The harsh truth from which many people try to shield themselves we is that are born alone and we die alone. In between we make connections that, even if they appear strong on the surface, are in actuality quite tenuous. It doesn’t take much to fracture the “strong” bonds of family. And fuggeddabout friends and acquaintances; these relations are artificial, weak and, usually, lies. People *are* islands their whole lives, they just delude themselves into thinking they’re not.
You Thought *You* Were Kinky…
Just in case you ever feel ashamed of any odd sexual desires and/or fetishes you might have, remember the Marquis de Sade. Here are a few excerpts from the end of 120 Days of Sodom in which he just bullet points sexual fetishes as if it were a grocery list.
– “He binds the girl belly down upon a dining table and eats a piping hot omelette served upon her buttocks. He uses an exceedingly sharp fork.”
– “A sodomite cooks up a little girl in a double boiler.”
– “He covers a girl with honey then binds her to a column and releases upon her a swarm of large flies.”
– “He has the girl run naked about a garden at night, the season is winter, the weather freezing; here and there are stretched cords upon which she trips and falls. Each time she falls, he discharges his semen.”
– “He holds the girl by the ears and walks her around the room, discharging his semen as he parades with her. The audience burns their genitals while discharging. At conclusion all involved bugger one another for two hours minimum.”
– “He uses his exceedingly large tool to rape her vaginally and anally and infect her with syphilis. Her vagina and anus are then sewn up with heavy, red waxed thread.”
– “He pulls out her teeth and scratches her gums with needles. Sometimes he heats the needles. Then he discharges his semen down her throat.”
FIN
Another horrific edition of the Brain Toilet is now flushed. I’d say you probably shouldn’t follow the Marquis’ advice for fun on a Saturday night, but who am I to judge? And besides, the ass omelette thing might be fun.
“You guys have been here a while.” The inspector seemed to take a different tack. “You want a donut?” He broke the seal on the bag of Drake’s Cakes donuts.
“Aye-ya-yie!” Sugarfree tossed the Molotov cocktail at the crumpled limousine. Flames erupted and spread across the car and into the crowd.
