Feeling down? Experiencing loss of interest in things you used to enjoy? Trouble sleeping? Well I have just the thing! Q-azine, the breakthrough new medication will whisk away all your troubles and put you into a state of half-conscious stupor from which there is no escape. In convenient gummy form, even children can benefit from Q-azine’s quasi-comatose state. So just take this, chew it up and relax…
IN THE FUTURE!!!
– Humans will surpass their own intellectual limits due to enormous penises. Stem cell and reconstructive technology will get advanced enough to be applied to male genital surgery and supply the world’s men with giant, quivering, foot-long intromissive assassins. In order to accommodate these shiny new love tools, women’s vaginas will have to experience a similar increase in size, either through surgical intervention or sexually selective evolution. Since baby’s heads are disproportionately large to provide capacity for our oversized brains, and the female birth canal is the primary limiting factor on said noggin, it only makes sense that babies will eventually begin evolving larger brains and superior intelligence due to womens’ capacious vaginas.
– Due to VR, virtual presence technology, telecommuting and increasing network speed and availability, people will become even more isolated and atomized than ever with many/most barely leaving the house. Physical contact with other people will be largely limited to fleeting and anonymous sexual encounters between partners determined by algorithm. A few lunatic religious throwbacks will continue to cultivate friendships and families; but the men will still have humungous dongs.
– Neuroscientists will have determined the proper intensity and frequency of strobing light to hack the human brain and cause euphoria. Therefore, the DEA will classify photons as an illicit substance.
– Increases in crop yields, wealth, free time and entertainment across the developing world will elevate the standard of living to heights never before seen. The climate will remain stable and worldwide crime and terrorism will drastically drop. Trade will largely replace military brinksmanship as the way in which former adversaries relate. Mass migration will mostly be a thing of the past as various nations get closer to economic parity. Naturally, all these developments will convince millions that the world is coming to an end and the system must be drastically reformed to prevent chaos and the destruction of humanity.
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be recovering from her latest bout of cancer and eager to begin her 217th year on the bench.
In Defense of the Unabomber (for straff)
Earlier this month, straffinrun challenged me to offer a defense of the Unabomber after I made a glib comment in response to his assertion that no man is an island. I could find the exchange, but I’m lazy. In spite of my initial glibitude, I began thinking and I actually think there is a fair amount about the Unabomber that’s admirable. This, of course, does *not* include the killing; I’ll go on record right now and unequivocally condemn the bombings (as if it needs to be said). In fact, the bombings were just about the stupidest possible thing he could have done, both from a moral standpoint (obviously), but also for his message. You see, I actually think there is actually a lot of validity to his thought process and he completely undermined any legitimate interest philosophers, sociologists and technology critics might have in it; and there would be a lot of interest, believe me.
I’ll address two points: first, that he was an unambiguous whack-job, and second, that no man is an island and only lunatics would live the way he did. Ted Kaczynski was definitely ill and socially maladjusted. But I certainly don’t think he was unambiguously crazy. His manifesto outlines how human have become slaves to their own technological creations. Even as we incorporate more and more technology into our lives, we become more and more enslaved to it; seeing the way people interact with their smart phones, I’d almost call this point axiomatic. Of course his solution was to attack and murder those he considered responsible for the technological breakthroughs he hated so much; so that’s kind of where he lost the script. But many of his larger points, I think, stand.
The second point I’m addressing is the cliché that “no man is an island”. It’s true that humans are nominally social creatures in a pathetic sort of way. Our social organization is one small step above chimpanzees. Rather than something to be celebrated, I see social organization and interpersonal dependence as something to try to transcend and evolve past. Buddhist monks spend their whole lives separating themselves from the corporeal to try and embrace the ethereal. The harsh truth from which many people try to shield themselves we is that are born alone and we die alone. In between we make connections that, even if they appear strong on the surface, are in actuality quite tenuous. It doesn’t take much to fracture the “strong” bonds of family. And fuggeddabout friends and acquaintances; these relations are artificial, weak and, usually, lies. People *are* islands their whole lives, they just delude themselves into thinking they’re not.
You Thought *You* Were Kinky…
Just in case you ever feel ashamed of any odd sexual desires and/or fetishes you might have, remember the Marquis de Sade. Here are a few excerpts from the end of 120 Days of Sodom in which he just bullet points sexual fetishes as if it were a grocery list.
– “He binds the girl belly down upon a dining table and eats a piping hot omelette served upon her buttocks. He uses an exceedingly sharp fork.”
– “A sodomite cooks up a little girl in a double boiler.”
– “He covers a girl with honey then binds her to a column and releases upon her a swarm of large flies.”
– “He has the girl run naked about a garden at night, the season is winter, the weather freezing; here and there are stretched cords upon which she trips and falls. Each time she falls, he discharges his semen.”
– “He holds the girl by the ears and walks her around the room, discharging his semen as he parades with her. The audience burns their genitals while discharging. At conclusion all involved bugger one another for two hours minimum.”
– “He uses his exceedingly large tool to rape her vaginally and anally and infect her with syphilis. Her vagina and anus are then sewn up with heavy, red waxed thread.”
– “He pulls out her teeth and scratches her gums with needles. Sometimes he heats the needles. Then he discharges his semen down her throat.”
FIN
Another horrific edition of the Brain Toilet is now flushed. I’d say you probably shouldn’t follow the Marquis’ advice for fun on a Saturday night, but who am I to judge? And besides, the ass omelette thing might be fun.
Comments
194 responses to “Q’s Brain Toilet: 6th Floor – Definitely NSFW”
Was that first part written by Andrew Yang?
Yup.
Watched some Netflix show on the Unabomber, so I’m an expert. They made him seem very… relatable? Sympathetic.
I’m sorry. What was the text again? I sort of got sidetracked.
Footy Grand Final time!
Enh… go Richmond? I guess?
(Slowly backs out of comments section, locks door and runs for fire escape::
And mismatches tags…
Great! You made her leave, dammit!
This why there are no libertarian women.
I know, right?!
Also, you’re a cruel friend...
So much discharging, you’d think it was the military.
“I was wondering if you’d like to have sex.”
Does “fleeting and anonymous” do away with the hot/crazy matrix?
Maybe. Depends on how close is she with the knife.
Yeah…..actually been there.
::shudders::
OK, to cleanse the palate, I shall now think about the future! Wearing shades, and all that
Well. .. was she hot?
Ummm…I find that Elizabeth Olsen reminds me of her looks, so, yes?
/tiddy-danced fairly successfully. C’mon, I was 19…
There’s your next article.
What–
meher being a successful tiddy dancer at 19?Eh, I’ll pass. But, you might keep an eye out for other correspondence.
I think this is much more likely.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC5TrKNIDHQ
It’s just going to be fat, ugly people using VR and cattle prods to the genitals.
I don’t like it, I wasn’t asked about it, I’m not approving it, I’m going to say no. Shut it down. This is a whole thing.
Isn’t that better than half a thing?
Much worse. Half a thing implies double the complainants. SHUT IT ALL DOWN.
The real limiting factor for baby’s head size is the need for women to be able to walk, thus minting the width of the pelvis and thus the space for baby.
I do look forward to my genetically engineered super dong though.
Band name? Book/album title?
Nickname in college
Thaaat’s more like it!
I thought it was a Warty Hugeman mini-series.
Hey, whatever works!
Also, howdy.
Hymnal.
Set to O Fortuna?
Weird. I remember everyone – totally not including me – wearing all-black to this, not all-white.
That, Mr. Roborto, or the buzzing of a dildo. Take your pick.
Hola, que pasa?
The food IS savory!
/hey-you started it
Dammit. You know what I meant!
Ciao?
Also, email.
The good news is that humans don’t really *need* to walk, so we’re free to evolve super intelligence as it is.
After my second baby was born, I clicked when I walked. The pubic symphysis was misaligned. It took about 6 months for that to heal.
Sorry to hear, sounds painful. I hope the tax break was worth it. 😉
LOL!!
LOLOLOLOL!!! I usually call them my Tax Deductions online, when I refer to them.
He was supposed to be born just after the first of the year. I said, “No, that’s not going to happen. Schedule me now for a c-section. I have carried this child all year and I will be DAMNED if I don’t get to write him off on next year’s taxes.”
Yes, I really said that. They looked at me like I was nuts.
Rofl!
I love your commitment to avoiding taxation. Once you put it like that, I’m surprised more people don’t request that.
Also, tax deduction should begin at conception.
Someone once told me that the IRS expects you to take all the deductions you can possibly take. When I started working for myself, I went through the 1040-C and 1040-A with the booklet and a pencil and I practically memorized what I could and could not deduct and under what conditions.
That was 17 years ago. I have organized our family’s financial life around that fucker ever since.
Since my husband wins stuff all the time, I have had to account for some of the oddest bullshit in the history of oddities.
One year he won a trip to New York that they sent us a 1099 for. HOWEVER, because I did something there related to my business, I ALSO wrote the whole thing off.
That year he ALSO won a court case with a cash settlement.
There was something else weird that happened that year that I cannot remember.
Anyway, one year he won a car. A Toyota Prius. I thought we were going to get hammered on taxes BUT that year also there was a deduction for energy efficient cars, so not only did we not get taxed on it, we got a refund.
So yes, I am very committed to this endeavor.
My comment below stands even taller (ahem…..).
Impossible. It’s well known taxes don’t change anyone’s behavior.
Remember when 2010 was called “Throw Momma from a Train” year because it was the first and last year Estate Tax was 0%?
Momma is a pain in the ass
Mojeaux is the leader we need!
I dunno about that, but, you definitely had
ballschutzpah!Auto-kitchens will solve that pesky problem.
*ducks*
So more hotdog down the hallway? Great…
That’s why libertarians advocate butt sex. Visionaries.
I’m sure it helps people with sick kids occasionally, but it just seems weird that pbskids is still broadcasting at 1am.
You gotta have orphan shifts 24/7, and PBSkids helps keep them in that slave mindset.
I………..can’t argue with that.
/no kids
I don’t even know what the PBS channel is in my city.
/raised on PBS FFS
I thought they were all PBS in New York.
The more you know! ?
OK, I looked. It’s channels 13 and 21. It’s all boring adult stuff right now.
What the hell happened to Dave Allen and Doctor Who? Britcoms and the Star Gazer?
Saturday nights?
Also, Channel 13. ::fist bump for channel brother::
/no jokes, CP!!
Uhhhhh….
Yeah, I read that.
However, no kids on the SG show (that I ever saw)
Doctor Who ended in 1989. Too bad they never revived it. In memoriam, here’s https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAPGcD5LGrp6WZOZyH1y3dkxi2eTxXi74
I dunno about the Britcoms. The newer ones seem to be lacking a certain quality.
That’s the spirit! Keep looking up!
Don’t think I didn’t put him in there on purpose 😉
I started college in 1988. For all I know, there aren’t any more after then.
I liked My Hero and some of those, but those are pushing twenty years as well. RIP Clive Swift. What the hell do I know? We’re watching Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes on Amazon.
Speaking of Keeping Up Appearances, noticed a very young Patricia Routledge in To Sir, With Love.
+1 “bouquet”
Good ol’ Clive was Arthur’s step-dad in Excalibur. Got to love him just for that.
You let them see tv?
*takes CPRM’s glib card*
Wait–we get cards??
Shit……USPS bastards!
TV has allowed millions to be kept enslaved for over a century, I’d be stupid not to use a tool so powerful.
https://youtu.be/w-sREpqDiUo
Oozing along the living room floor?
(Not gonna make it fancy since I’m bumming it on my phone)
Heh. One of my favorite Zappa albums when I was a young Festus.
I wonder what Werner Herzog has to say about this.
Nothing about grizzlies or moving ships over mountains?
Well, when he’s guesting on a show…
I wouldn’t expect that for the Mandalorian series, either. But, you never know…
You could read anything in Werner Herzog voice and it would be funny.
Abso-freakin-lutely.
I am working on my Herzog voice. It’s not exactly close, but, people seem to know it’s “him”.
I still chuckle over that reddit thread you posted about sleepover tales. “WHAAAAAAAT?”
Did I tell say that that happened to me? As in, I did that exact thing, only as an “adult”, and to myself?
Sounds familiar. I’ve woken myself from a deep sleep a time or two. The one time Wifey just murmured “wow” and went back to sleep.
All y’all thinking of bailing tonight
The hell you talkin’ about–I am the Night.
Oh…the others. Right…
Excellent choice, then.
But…I’m ALREADY home.
Yeah, but you sleep a lot…sorry, couldn’t finish that (heh).
Is that word going around now? Used to be I was the only on til midnight central, and then I’d be back on for the morning linx and got accused of never sleeping…THE WORLD IS CHANGING!
I would only claim it as my (comical) perception. Which is why I couldn’t finish the thought, as i was laughing.
Superb choice.
As a carry=over from last thread
Well this puts an entire other light on this show I don’t think I have room for this.
I’m ready to move to Czech and/or Slovakia.
That first i looks like a l.
I normally hate schmaltz but damn that is a fine song.
All I want is someone to clutch at me when the brake lights hit.
So, as I’m sure you’ve all been waiting with baited breathe, I wasn’t able to recover everything from the failed HDD, but I was able to salvage enough to re-render the show that was due for my client by the deadline to get it to air. But still lost a lot of stuff, some of which we can recover from other back-up sources, but FUCK ASS SHIT.
Bated
Worms aren’t involved
Get him a body bag! Yeah!
I was JUST watching Cobra Kai! WHOAH!
I do have the next cartoon written and recorded but not animated, and it will be released on youtube by the end of the month, but I don’t know if it will be featured here before then, had this HDD failure take up a bunch of my time this week
Today in I hate everyone and everything.
Rhy….I try to ge a good friend. Well, as far as Glib friends go.
Why do you hate me?
He deserves that look, and, it deserves him.
Is it really hate if no apostrophes are involved?
Apostrophes? I see I misspelled “be”….so, huh?
Literally shaking…
Oh yeah. That’s fuck him with a rusty spoon territory.
Shoulda gone with the bowl cut. He’d elicit the same responses.
I love the one concerned citizen who thinks corn-rows are dreadlocks. Uh…
The Cultural Appropriation Police aren’t particular (or smart.)
The classiest cornrows. The best! You’re gonna love these cornrows! https://youtu.be/p8TUWilKb6M
Fake newth! He wathn’t rich enough for thothe corn rowth!
I went away for an hour and finally got it. Nice work CPRM!
Just imagine how much fun it could be if Trump had his “hair” done in corn rows for Halloween.
https://youtu.be/byEGjLU2egA
Smart, that–wearing the hammer and sickle shirt in that vid.
Well done. I do hate everyone and everything about that.
It’s been a long time since I heard that.
You all knew this was coming: quick update!
Hope it doesn’t break the site.
Huh. We seem to still be here.
Carry on!
Up tonight…son playing Johnny Cash Walk the Line
Damn, he IS moving along, isn’t he?
He keeps aiming high. I want him to get formal training but afraid it will stifle his interest.
Well, whatever works for him, right?
Agreed and he is learning to impress a girl like all red blooded American boys should
How dare you blame my client for that thing he totally did?!?
why, he was only doing what you secretly wanted him to do.
Extortion is tricky business.
Where’s Hayeks? She will get a kick out of this!
What are you the patriarchy? She’ll comment when she’s good and ready.
Well, I……it’s just that…….yes, sir.?
Chafed attempts to defend the lady!
I see why mankind survived the plague. Women swoon at this chivalry thing.
Defend?!?! I was only wanting to share….
I can attest that it happens IRL. Chicks of any age lurve them a man that takes charge of a dangerous situation.
I was kinda hoping for the “like to live dangerously” thing….with Babylon Bee humor.
However, when mud puddles start showing up, I’ll have a coat, or, cape handy.
::Lady Hayek taps SIr Digby on the tip of his nose with her folded fan:: “I think it’s just darling when you ingratiate yourself this way!”
Ingratiating has been used several times to describe me!
No…it was “irritating”.
But, hey–at least I got contact, right?
Spank-Bank!
Now, Festus…there’s no way I can riff on that, and maintain my Knighthood.
Plus, it kinda ruins any chance at following your advice, I would think.
OMG
frick, they have an app!
I have that app and also donate to them financially to fend off the entities thAt want to block them.
Block? Them???
Bastardos!!!
You rang, my good Sir?
::curtsies deeply, offers hand to kiss::
::Accepts hand, blows raspberry at Chafed, gives lightest kiss::
I knew you had a penchant (pahn-chahnt) for BB, and that one had me in tears. Stop me if you’ve read it before.
No, first time I saw that one. They’re quite prolific
So……first?
Sorry, I had to.
“Oh you rogue, you!”
skirting the line between it and “cad”
A New Orleans Police Department report revealed that Dunlap sent the offending tweet from his personal cell phone.
Proof that the radio station stole the DJ’s phone!!!
Well, it is New Orleans….
https://www.sciencealert.com/bmw-posted-and-then-deleted-a-post-about-sex-in-self-driving-cars
Woof….
Not for nothing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgurbiI3wp0
Unrequited movie and very prescient.
I saw it twice in the theaters. Ringing endorsement, I know. But, I do love it lots.
/Sony gurm
I missed out because I wasn’t a Dudley fan but caught it years later and it was pretty good.
It consistently makes me laugh all through it.
It’s tremendous fun.
The Movie Channel used to play Blake Edward’s “S.O.B” on a pretty constant rotation when we first got cable. I gotta tell you it’s hard to jack to Julie Andrew’s surprisingly perky breasts without DVR technology.
You know it.
Also, PERV!
SOB has some great parts–very well-written movie
I always got the feeling that he was just making films to entertain himself and his friends and didn’t give a shit about the money, being rich as Croesus by that time. Maybe that’s why some of his stuff just caught in my own hardscrabble, angry young man craw.
Your “man craw”…I may need a drink to mentally process that one…
Are you sure you want/need to go there?
Not. At. All.
Aw… That’s pretty vanilla for this site.
They need to make a movie about this guy https://youtu.be/wG7kS1qBGVY
Sir Richard Francis Burton was a much more interesting person for real reasons but it would take much more than one movie to portray little more than his mere shadow.
Article!
I don’t believe I even know enough about him to scratch the surface. He was deep in many facets of ability and one aspect of what he could have contributed was erased after his passing.
Well, you most likely know more than me, and I’m the smartest, most knowledgeable one here*. But, point taken.
*did I forget the “not”, again? dammit……
That’s why I love this site so much. It’s cool to talk with people that are demonstrably smarter than me. Makes me feel like I have something to aspire to.
Festus….you’ve already won me over. Flattery will get you
nowhereto only Second base.Third. (dammit….)
You got me there. I was just thinking that a film about Emperor Norton would be easy-peasy. You could cast any eccentric Hollywood actor. Sir Richard would be a bit much for a 1hr 30m running time. He was the original “Most Interesting Man In The World”.
Mini series?
NetflixAmazon series?They’d have to “sex it up” a bit even for the translator of The Arabian Nights and the Kama Sutra.
You have no fucking idea.
Sir Richard Francis Burton documented the sexual practices of native cultures from India, Afghanistan, Arabia, central Africa, the American plains, the Amazon and my much more.
When he died his wife burned those documents because Victorian England.
This is known. Even by me, an amateur aficionado of history. Fifty years of reading whatever I could get my sweaty hands on has made me more aware of history than any degree granting institution could.
Yeah, well, not by me! This is why even a cursory article would be great.
::sigh:: I guess I’ll read up on Wikipedia….
Damn Elizabeth Taylor!
Dang straight, Gust–HEY!!
Crafty bastard….
Great, I make one little gay flirting “joke”, and everyone just takes off!
*Dons cast iron frying pan across buttocks* You were saying, Sir Digsby?
“Just” your buttocks….?
/asking for a friend
Well, you were being very forward so I thought that I might play the role of the “Chasee”. All in good fun!
Surely you joust!
Snert!
I’m tapping out. Got shit to gather tomorrow and daylight fades fast up in the North.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_C._Wilson
RIP Deep State Joe.
His whole yellowcake thing stinks to high heaven. Four years after retiring from the diplomatic service, the CIA “asks” him to investigate uranium acquisition in Africa by the Iraqis. He personally starts gathering evidence, for or against, in a foreign country? No, he talks to the Ambassador and Nigerian officials (who must personally know all of what’s going on in their country and would be completely truthful and candid with J Random Asshole representing a country that might be pissed if it had happened).
But let’s assume Agent 86 was able to do that job completely. He’s so outraged later that he forgets whatever confidentially someone in his place would be counseled on and writes an oped piece in a newspaper. Having waded into the shithole of politics, he’s then surprised that his wife (who might as well have passed out CIA business cards) is “outed” as a CIA “agent”. Wah.
I have met and even become social with people who work for the CIA. One of the first things you learn I’d that they never say they work for the CIA. There are a number of tell-tale signs you start to pick up on and understand what questions you don’t ask. Once they realize you aren’t asking those questions they know you know and they can be at ease.
Last blast https://youtu.be/WvuMQ4c7OUg
::takes furious notes::
* Copernic-anus
* Dirty mojo
* Blimey
* Nine in–NINE?! Nine inches
I may be way unprepared for this
What the US needs is a parliamentary system, like European countries. Or Japan
https://japantoday.com/category/politics/anti-nhk-party-head-suggests-genocide-to-solve-overpopulation
“They should be more sensible in their birth rates…Like Japan!”
“Maybe…death is good for those ‘types’… What??? I’m just sayin’!”
Genocide and wants customers to support the public broadcasts? Clearly this is the Nipponese libertarian party. What’s his stance on roadz?
C’mon…that’s clearly Green Party planks.
Ok, I’m out. East coasters should be here soon.
Ugh…..
I just read Q’s posts for the articles.