Florida Man needed a straw to finish his weather control device and he needed it nearly as badly as he needed a couple drinks to take the edge off of what must have been a legendary New Years Eve party, judging from the fact that he was wearing someone else’s clothes, his sinuses were still firing meth highs every time he sniffled, and he’d started on Boxing Day. What had begun as simple party with his minions to celebrate the new weather machine design had… Well, he wasn’t sure, but either they’d be zapping him with one of his own brain scramblers, or he hadn’t drawn a sober breath in a week.
Be that as it may, Florida Man was going to start 2019 right. This would be the year that he finally completed something that worked. His weather machine had the ability to steer hurricanes towards… well anything really, but he was pretty sure there were some developers that would pay big money to get in on the ground floor of government redevelopment grants and a shot at commercial insurance fraud. Plus, he had several municipalities that he owed vengeance. And all he needed to complete it was one plastic straw.
“Gimme a tall drink with a plastic straw,” he told the girl behind the register.
“Ain’t got no plastic straws as of today.”
“What, like, you’re out?”
“No, dude. City passed a law. No more plastic straws. We don’t give ’em out no more starting today so the owner can sound like he gives a shit at the Chamber of Commerce meetings.”
This couldn’t be. He needed a straw. Nobody was going to stand in his way this time. Even yuppie St. Pete wouldn’t do that. That’s stupid. Even a bunch of mouth-breathers like the St. Pete City Council wouldn’t do that! This woman was obviously associated with his ex-wife and former co-conspirator (unindicted) Florida Woman. That bitch was always trying to ruin his life.
He would make her give him a goddamn straw!
Okay, next time he would send a minion to go get the straw. That counter girl was tiny… but fierce! Those sharp little knuckles really did a number on him.
Comments
206 responses to “Florida Man Rings in 2019”
You know who else used straws?
Everyone on Wall St. in the 80s ?
Not rolled up hundred dollar bills? Which reminds me – speaking of discontinued beverage accessories, remember the teeny spoons you once got with your McD’s coffee back in the day?
Fuck off Tulpa
Woo hoo! My rite of passage! Thanks!
A good lurker knows
Welcome!….
Or am I Poppy?
Every time a Tulpa’s found, A Yusef changes his avatar.
Très drinks his EARFquake through a straw.
I prefer a transmission funnel, with some nose-plugs, actually.
Gay horses?
Wait, wrong joke…
+1 haaaaaaaaaaaay!
The first little pig?
Dilettantes?
https://smile.amazon.com/PC-Snuff-Straw-Vacuum-Style/dp/B07FXMRGP4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwi6vW0RU4k
Huh, somehow I posted that link by accident.
Clearly.
This is the better link https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X7VwNDbfAhI
?
Or this classic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVOuRQPPdoo
here’s mine:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSXTu-WllZ8
People who ran out of single-use urinary catheters?
#Ouch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSPT27XyY1U
(based on this PSA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fordPXp06h4)
Boz Scaggs?
Tahei and Matakishi?
Hygenic felchers?
*gags*
Geez, straff–you went right for it, dincha?
Never mail it in. Never. Suck that Satan Nectar for all it’s nutrients.
HEY YUFUS!
I knew I could count on you reply
Tall straws! Wait, Cans!
Going toe-to-toe with a former boxer in McD’s is still safer than eating eating at home in Florida.
And speaking of a need for some serious straws
I like the homemade sign in the picture at the Tampa Bay Times. They don’t even now the lame reason for the ban. It’s not to reduce carbon footprint.
House lifts head-wear ban. . .
Two of those aren’t in the House….
Obviously. But this is one of those things like in movies where you see technical inaccuracies but you go with it for the sake of entertainment.
Debunkers Vs G*n Control Nonsense | FreedomToons
William Hogarth was nonsense
By golly, the things I learn here. And from Ted, too.
“The Gin Act 1736 imposed high taxes on sales of gin, forbade the sale of the spirit in quantities of less than two gallons and required an annual payment of £50 for a retail licence. This had little effect beyond increasing smuggling and driving the distilling trade underground.”
Why does that sound so familiar ?
Sorry, I couldn’t sit through that.
The video being critiqued is painfully retarded. But it serves to enlighten us to the leftist mindset. Primarily, they mock the Constitutional considerations of their end goals and how they are to be attained. That is to say, they believe there are no limits on the government, despite the nature of its founding charter. I, personally, find that very concerning because they think the law is whatever they want it to be whenever they want it to be. For them the law is everything and nothing and therefor does not exist, and neither do individual rights.
God, I thought this was one of his earlier vids. Not that I don’t like his: I was simply hoping he didn’t have to do a new one for this subject (yeah, where have I been?).
All I can say is, Thank God they animated Anna in that video, because she is Don’t-look-at-them-opening-the-Ark ugly.
Technically the assailant is from West Virginia which proves my theory. It’s not the act of being born in Florida that makes a man Florida man. It must be chemicals in the water down there.
Then how do you explain Ohio Man?
1 word, Heroin.
or two words….”bathtub meth”
https://twitter.com/ndrew_lawrence/status/1080970375595470851
Because the other nine knew what they were doing?
CDC discovers marijuana users buy large amounts of cough syrup, requests more funding to determine why.
Doing a marijuana by putting it in a spoon and then melting it down
Wut? I mean, I am no expert at “doing” the devil-weed, but I don’ think that is how it works.
Hash maybe? We used to knife blade it with a butter knife and a wine glass
Gonna need another source for that… nobody on the production crew knew that’s nonsense?
I always hated getting the stems stuck up my nose when I snorted it.
That’s the problem with the seeds too. That’s why stems and seeds are so hated by the marijuana users.
Seeds? What are those?
/Clones nowadays
Seeds are like tiny little firecrackers, right next to your mouth.
Even worse. Knew a guy that had a seed explode and go up his nose. Much dancing and yelling. And laughter. Great belly and tear inducing laughter.
IANAL, but:
https://twitter.com/barstoolsports/status/1080315747488972801
Not gonna lie, Occluded Cortex looks pretty good in this stupid video (despite the teeth…). I guess she get the crazy eyes when she decides to wax-idiotic. Would definitely hit that while reading ‘The Law’ or ‘The Road to Serfdom’ out-loud in the hopes that she would learn something. (p.s. the red-head in the pink and the brunette in the polk-dots. That is all.)
She doesn’t look too bad if she keeps the crazy eyes under control and has her hair flowing freely instead of being pulled back into that freakishly tight bun/ponytail.
Conspiracy theory: Her hair is so tight that it’s pulling her eyelids open and creating the crazy eyes.
I’m just wondering who all are holding her leash.
She certainly didn’t write the Green manifesto she rambles about, Soros? Pu Hitler
Yeah, I don’t know? I’m thinking maybe some of Obama’s old handlers. Pretty aggressive agenda.
This is their opening salvo – only unlike Trump’s opening salvos, it expresses exactly what they want but they will settle for less because it moves the bar in their direction.
And the media will continue to move the Overton Window along with it.
Nope. I have the urge to kick the ass of everyone in that video. NAP be damned. I was aggressed by watching it.
So, completely unrelated. I’ve been playing with the sous vide stick I got for Christmas. So far, it’s awesome with pork (tenderloin and chops both were awesome), the chicken had a strange texture (first attempt, I’ll be trying it at a higher temperature next time), soft boiled eggs work well, but hard boiled eggs are better in the instant pot (the pressure cooking makes them easier to peel). I’ve got a ribeye queued up for this weekend to see how the sous vide does for that.
Do you sear your meat beforehand or scorch ’em afterward?
So far, I’ve been searing afterward. I understand there’s some back and forth as to sear before, after, or before AND after.
I’ll be continuing the testing, and have realized how nice it can be for camping. I can sous vide things before hand, cool them down, and then toss them in a cooler to be reheated and seared later. I do need to do more research on this side (the one warning I’ve seen so far is don’t do this for anything cooked at under 135 F).
The youtuber who introduced me to sous vide, some French dude, used a butane torch. I like your idea, though.
I bet that rib eye will be excellent. You going to do a sear at the end?
Yep, I’ve got a big old cast iron skillet that I’ll get roaring hot near the end of the water bath.
Awesome:)
Try salmon next
Then carrots
I’d have to be a salmon fan first. Carrots, parsnips, potatoes, and all the other root vegetables are on the test list after some reading.
I’ve got to say, some of the things just seem… silly to me. Cookies should not be made in a sous vide bath.
I haven’t tried eggs in the instant pot yet – I’m dubious that it will be any faster or better than the steaming method I discovered a few months ago, which is already the best method I’ve heard of to date.
Hard boils eggs in the Instant Pot are great. So easy to peel.
That’s a convincing argument to get me to try. I do find the vegetable steamer method makes them easier to peel than boiling them like I used to. But any improvement in that area is certainly welcome.
Yeah, there’s something with the higher pressure that makes the eggs easier to peel. Just make sure you put the Instant Pot on low pressure, even with that I’ve had a couple of eggs crack.
Never had any crack yet. I put them on raised insert over cup and half of water so they steam. Cook 6 minutes, release pressure, into ice bath
I’ve got a steamer basket I put them in with about a cup of water at low pressure. 10 minutes, then immediate release and into an ice bath. I’ve had a couple I’ve pulled out of the pot that already had small cracks (not as in the egg erupted, but you got some solidified white outside the shell).
I’ll try the “Egg” button first and see what happens!
This. This right here is why the Instant Pot is so popular. Making rice, push the rice button; making stew, push the stew button; etc.
(i.e. just sticking a vegetable steamer over water in a regular pot heated to boiling)
I may have posted this last week, but I’ve been doing a lot of heavy drinking for the holidays and I don’t rightly remember.
There’s a real-life pilot who runs a channel playing Flight Simulator X and trying to impose some real-world professionalism on the bunch of amateurs and naifs who play the game. It’s charming and pretty funny.
Driving a flying bus, try Aces high, then get back to me
Yo mean this? I’ll be seeing them Again this year.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg9aQvjMS60
Yes but online battle
Understood.
Yeah he is funny at times.
For those who want to bike for charity, this is a solid team to ride with. Plus, beer!
/disclosure: I rode with them for the Buckeye Breakaway in 2017.
So one of my evening mindless activities is Food Network. The current episode of Chopped includes a female immigrant from Kenya who joined the Navy, went to school and is now the head chef at the Pentagon.
I hate the proggies for downplaying that type of accomplishment for those crossing the border illegally.
As long as it’s not the episodes with kids, I can sit and watch Chopped for hours. It astonishes me how many of the contestants have traveled the world for cooking techniques, while I’ve gone to America’s hat (back when they would let me in), and Ireland.
Ugh… Chopped. “Turn this weird ingredient nobody uses into something palatable!”
I hate that show because I learn *nothing* from it.
For me, it’s more about a chef’s ability to turn that ingredient nobody uses into something edible in a short period of time. Like I said, this is mindless entertainment.
They all seem to have sob story these days as well. I’m gay and my mother doesn’t love me, I was an addict, I lost an eye playing cards with a Chinaman in Shanghai.
That is rife through competition shows these days and is truly annoying. “I represent an acute minority in this country so I deserve extra attention.”
Enh, I’ve binged on “Worst Chef in America” – I know from mindless entertainment 🙂
I’ve confessed my guilty pleasure is “Worst Chefs in America”, at least for the first 3-4 episodes. And there I can actually learn tips (such as how to cut and dice things, assuming I don’t mind waste). Hell, for mindless, over the past weekend I made it through the new Watership Down (not as disturbing as the old cartoon, but still dark), Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (interesting, but the rewinding makes it difficult to get invested), and I’m halfway through Happy! Season 1 (Dark. Really dark. Santa kidnapping children dark.).
Lol! I will confess that show is a bridge to far. When one of my first thoughts is “oh, FFS”, I’ll pass.
My wife had me watching The Fabulous Mrs. Masle. Good show about a woman comic in 50’s NYC.
I found Good Eats to be an entertaining show. The best part is that Alton Brown doesn’t just demonstrate recipes; he teaches the principles of cooking. Even if you don’t cook the recipes he cooks, you still learn the science of how ingredients interact with each other as well as what happens to them during the cooking process, and that will make you a badass chef. That show probably taught me 90% of what I know about cooking.
Vaguely, but brilliantly, spoofed by Futurama.
Bam!
BAM!
There’s a chef. And something’s iron.
These ladies’ futures are so bright, they gotta wear shades.
http://archive.vn/ZjnUL
Lucky 13.
Also, let’s make a rule 34 with 34.
There’s some doable units in there. #objectifiyingmysoginist.
I guess if everyone’s equally poor she’ll achieve her goal.
https://news.grabien.com/story-ocasio-cortezs-green-new-deal-radical-mandate-government-con
Can she really believe in all that, or is she just trying to seem like the coolest social justice chick in the world to her young followers, while secretly hoping that wiser heads prevent her from getting her way? Kind of the way a guy can be all “Come at me, bro!!” while counting on his buddies to “prevent” him from actually getting into a fist fight?
She’s young. I’m betting true believer zealot.
Most of them don’t believe this crap for a second but a select few are true believers. I think you’re right; she might be one of them. She’ll age out of it in a couple decades but by then she’ll rolling in gold coins and won’t give up the game to all her fans.
Whoever wrote this email sounds like a lovely person.
https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2019/jan/2/michael-savage-target-death-threats-i-own-3-guns-a/
IM GUNNA FUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKERS! YOUR PIEHOLE WILL BE FILLED WILL LEAD FROM MY COCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
“Hey, Comrade. Could you proofread this for me?”
“Sure.” *Slips on reading glasses*
Thank God. At least someone is still writing good advice.
Make sure to correct any comment she tries to make. To do this properly the correction must start with Actually, which should be drawn out in and said in a condescending voice. Bonus points for working in anime, your fursona, or other amazingly cool
hobbylifestyle choice you have.*furiously taking notes*
Libertarian advice for the lovelorn: or how to end up with 3 petabytes of porn.
See? I told ya all that furious masturbation would come in handy…
Ded. d-e-d Ded.
Ecktuallly the word is spelled with an a. Although in my J-pop tribute band Sailor Moon is Ded we do miss spell it but we do that ironically. We are performing at Yifficon this weekend. Would you care to come?
I would be delighted, thank you.
Who’s Sailor Moon?
(I’d continue to play along here but the name Sailor Moon is pretty much the limit of my knowledge of anime)
You’re not autisting right.
I read SF and Fantasy, play video games, and argue libertarian philosophy here. If that isn’t autistic enough I will try to step up my game.
FWIW, you’ve made me LOL several times.
All you need to know about Sailor Moon
Akita: if you’re still around, this is a clearinghouse for a lot of libertarian podcasts.
https://liberty.me/studio/
Akira, f’ing autocorrect
Thanks a ton – looks like a treasure trove!
PS: Akitas look like adorable dogs. 10/10: Would pet, give treat, and inquire as to who is a good boy.
They’re assholes to anyone besides their owners. See them all the time and wanted punt them when grrrl at me for simply walking past.
What’s up with Japanese breeds being assholes? I suppose shibas aren’t _assholes_ exactly, just aloof little fuckers.
It’s also on iTunes. I probably only download about 1/4 of the programs.
Can’t remember if you or someone else mentioned Jason Stapleton – but he podcasts through that site now.
I have to imagine HM has linked this at some point.
Bitch, I’m a cow
bitch, I’m a cow
I’m not a cat
I don’t say meow
I ain’t a moose, bitch, get out my hay
Get out my hay, bitch, get out my hay
Oh my God LOL
35m views. Wow. I’m outta the loop.
I believe I have.
Well, you’ve probably seen this but I’m gonna post it anyway:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF7VsxNzw2w
Keeping the pedal to the metal. Uh, dude, if that was your goal you probably shouldn’t use a minicar.
https://japantoday.com/category/crime/tokyo-car-attacker-says-he-kept-foot-on-gas-pedal-when-hitting-crowd
So is he Aum Shinryko/sympathizer or still dunno?
Aun weren’t really sucidal. Murderous, yes. They wanted some kind of race war ala Manson.
With who?
JOOOOOOOZ!
Japanese/Jewish race war? How does this play out? A bunch of Moms guilt their kids into studying themselves to death because Haruto/Isaac is .003 gpa points ahead of Isaac/Haruto? Miso/Matzo Ball soup off?
I’m no expert on that crazy cult. All I know comes from this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IVnscHsPfR4
A little bit here: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/shoko-asahara-japanese-cult-leader-aum-shinrikyo-tokyo-subway-sarin-attack-a8434241.html
“Asahara and his acolytes had carried out these acts of bioterrorism because they believed the apocalypse was inevitable and would be caused by a third world war between the US and Japan.”
Thanks. Not a race war, just a regular old war.
Nothing says Bodhisattva like nerve gas.
According to Wikipedia, he is opposed to the death penalty and carried out the attack in retaliation for the Aum executions.
“It’s OK when I do it.”
So Green New Deal. How many Top Democrats oppose it and if they do how many of them just think it is too politically inexpedient to do so now?
I don’t understand the point of all this. How do they hope to pass anything?
This is just the buttering-up stage.
Revving up for 2021…
Such brave. Much courageous.
https://hotair.com/archives/2019/01/03/yolo-dems-introduce-impeachment-measure-day-1/
They also introduced bills to:
1) eliminate the electoral college
2) remove the president’s ability to pardon anyone who served in his administration
seriously? They must have some intelligent members who are pushing back on this.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…
No.
I know we are talking our current representatives but surely they know a mere bill cannot eliminate the electoral college right?
These women are…
https://cdn.images.dailystar.co.uk/dynamic/117/photos/922000/936×622/1074922.jpg
THE ANTI-Q!
Eye-bleach, stat!
You have built up goodwill based on past links, but it’s not an inexhaustible supply..
https://archive.vn/B46q3/e975627dcffddb36aa50e8c1927d9c5ea65c31dd
https://archive.vn/B46q3/6a5d920104c61d0f64c189f692cc85e47587d3c8
https://archive.vn/B46q3/5deb89d07d043bdf409d1fc81a0dd064a7fd6d42
Much better, though big tiddy’s aren’t really my thing.
The butt is the keystone of the body – it’s impossible to be in good shape and have a terrible butt. The reverse is not true. First part of the body out of shape, last part in shape.
Once there was this Hogg who
Got into a shooting and couldn’t come to school
But when he finally came back
His butt crack turned from black into bleached white
He said that it was from when
The CK had smashed him so hard
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Once there was this Emma who
Wouldn’t go and change with the girls in the change room
But when they finally made her
They saw TERFmarks all over her body
She couldn’t quite explain it
They’d always just been there
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
But both the girl and boy were glad
‘Cause one kid had it worse than that
‘Cause then there was this boy whose
Network made him report directly in front of the school
And when Acosta went for a an anal search
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn’t quite explain it
They’d always just gone there
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Oh oh
Oh oh
Shit. Didn’t mean to post that yet. Rough draft. Ugh.
Also, 50 percent of the commentariat wouldn’t get the reference. Much less, immediately think of this.
The Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm is the give-away. God, that song sucked.
A little palate cleanser.
TIL that So I Married An Axe Murderer used the Boo Radleys’ version of that song.
Down the memory hole.
That came up in my feed and is what inspired me. Weird Al nails it some times.
Also, be sure to check out the Aum/Doraemon anime upthread.
Now I feel like eating a sarin filled pancake.
Ahhh…. those bring back memories…
“Whyyyyyyyy!!!!”
Exhibit #255 why Japanese TV is better than yours.
I turned it off before it got to the Human Centipede, sorry.
“better”
I’m still amazed how so much Japanese humor is so low-brow. It seems like it’s been that way for a long time. Is a Japanese Bill Hicks possible yet?
I can’t imagine Benny Hill being made today.
I’m all for more farts on television.
Well, I was, before I clicked that link.
おじさん
おじいさん
always makes me think of
しゅじん
しゅうじん
I hate that extra い and that extra う. My ears just can’t pick them up.
Exhibit number #113 Why Russians are cooler than you.
That seems like a great way to aspirate some liquid.
Russians: making Floridians look like classy.
“like classy”? WTF?
I was just thinking how fun it would be to see Elizabeth Warren try that.
Could we put a lid on top?
And instead of beer, we use the contents of a colostomy bag. Let’s do this!
*barf*
Does anyone live near Merlbourne Arkansas? My grand daughter is moving there next week and I would like t know about it
Obligatory creepy *Is she hot?*
I live know where near there, but pics would be welcome.
She is 8 but if you need a pic go to my Christmas post and look for Cindy Lou who ya pervert
*Lachowsky to glib courtesy phone!*
I grew up about 50 miles SE of there. Small town…pretty hills and streams. Good place to grow up imho.
I don’t get it, some things said here would get your ass kicked, sad for you
The great thing is, this works for just about any comment on any site.
rue, but please don’t joke about perving my granddaughter, thats sick
I wouldn’t like that either.
No offense intended – I wasn’t sure what it was a response to. I’m now assuming it was to the “is she hot” comment, so I get it.
No worries I was asking about where Riley was going, and things got wierd
I’m said shit to my friends when we’ve been drinking that they didn’t like even though it was a joke and they knew my intent wasn’t malicious. “Not cool, man.” And now I know his limit and we’re still buds.
Yep, same with us here,
My baby is moving to Arkansas, her dad stays in Cali, we are going to Az, I fear I’ll never see her again, as of tomorrow
If you think people are over the line, feel free to call them out. I don’t like people using “retard” to describe immoral assholes and have called it out here. Sometimes you just gotta shrug.
Thanks straff