ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS BEEN INFORMED THAT MANY OF THE CHOSEN ONES ARE IMPRISONED IN THEIR DWELLINGS BY EXTREMITY OF COLD. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ GIVES YOU A DOUBLE FEATURE TONIGHT.

FIRST, ADVICE IN SUPERIOR MANNER TO THAT OF THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY“:

QI’m a 28-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend or a meaningful relationship. I’m well-educated, nice-looking and have a good sense of humor. But I get shy and nervous around the opposite sex. Compounding that, I seem to have a serious “resting face.” People assume I’m frustrated or angry/grumpy when it’s just my normal expression. I’m worried it makes me unapproachable or appear to be unpleasant.

I have overcome addiction, attend daily support meetings and have almost a year of sobriety. I avoid bar/club scenes where a lot of people my age socialize. I’m beginning to feel very alone and empty. I asked out a temp at my job, but she had a boyfriend and offered to set me up with a friend of hers. I declined because I was embarrassed.

My friends tell me it’s a game of numbers, but it hurts being rejected all the time. I see beautiful, nice women with men who treat them badly, and I obsess over what’s wrong with me. My experience with women is limited. I’m not looking for a commitment, just some friends to share good times and laughter with. I’d love to have someone to spend time with before loneliness awakens previous bad habits. — ABOUT TO GIVE UP IN CONNECTICUT

A: LOOK, BRUTAL, THIS IS SIMPLE. TAKE A LOOK AT ZED’S FATHER PUTTING THE SMOOTH MOVES ON HIS MOM:

THINK YOU CAN MANAGE THAT? PROBABLY NOT, BUT IF YOU DO…

THE BIG PROBLEM IS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…

AND THAT IS EVIL! SO KNOCK IT OFF AND KEEP AWAY FROM THE FEMALE BRUTALS. LOOKS LIKE A ONE-WAY TRIP TO LONESOMEVILLE FOR YOU. IF NOT…

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

AND NOW FOR THE SECOND HALF OF OUR DOUBLE FEATURE….LINKS! GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

  • ZARDOZ EXPECTS MUCH SEPPUKU TO RESULT FROM THIS….ZARDOZ IS PLEASED!
  • I AM SURE THE BRUTAL MULLAHS ARE SHIVERING IN THEIR TURBANS…NOT.
  • NOW THAT IS HOW A MONARCH SHOULD BEHAVE! GOING OUT TO SHOOT…WAIT, BIRDS, NOT BRUTALS? NEVERMIND.
  • SPEAKING OF NIPPON…ZARDOZ SHAKES HIS STONE HEAD.

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.