It’s the time of year again, when all those old holiday movies start showing up in the streaming service, or if you are a boomer, on TV. Sadly, most of these movies can be argued are products of their time.
Or are they?
For the month of December I asked for assistance from TPTB to put together a coherent string of random thoughts, take a few bong hits postulate which of the classic Christmas movies can actually be made today.
This is my review of Campanology Brewing Chocolate Babka Stout
Today, we look at Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This stop motion animated classic begins with the narrator, a snowman voiced by Burl Ives, tells us a story of the most famous reindeer of all. He takes us to the beginning of the story where Santa’s reindeer, Donner, meets his son Rudolph…who has a red nose. You could even say it glows; you could say that because it does in fact glow. It blinds everyone that looks into it directly, making it rather dangerous. Donner believes this is a problem and decides to put a cap over Rudolph’s nose to prevent others from ostracizing Rudolph, making it more likely they invite him to join in their reindeer games.
Later we meet Hermey the elf. Hermey is one of Santa’s elves, but does not like to make toys. He want’s to be a dentist. This proves to be an issue with his supervisor, who naturally wants him to do his job, which does not involve being a dentist.
In later scenes Rudolph’s nose cap falls off while playing reindeer games in an effort to impress a doe named Clarice, subjecting him to ridicule from his peers. They simply laughed, called him names, and would no longer invite him to participate in any reindeer games. Hermey on the other hand gets into a verbal altercation with his supervisor and is given the ultimatum to finish his job, or be fired. After a brief musical number, Hermey quits.
Rudolph and Hermey meet each other during a dispute involving the property rights of a nearby snowbank, decide to put aside their differences, and be “independent together”. They set out into the world, unsure of what to make of themselves and meet Yukon Cornelius, a gold/silver prospector. Eventually, they find themselves on the Island of Misfit Toys, where they meet other misfits like themselves. They are allowed by King Moonracer, the local monarch to stay a short while, but he states his kingdom is for misfit toys, not people.
Following a plot device that convinces Rudolph to go home, the story concludes with the defeat of the Abominable Snowman through Hermie’s crude ability to pull its teeth, and Yukon wrestling the bumble. Due to blizzard conditions making flight difficult and dangerous, Rudolph finds his glowing red nose to be a useful asset as a result. In spite of being a little bit different, all three characters are accepted by Santa, and others at the north pole for their gallantry.
Could this movie be made today? Absolutely, but not without a few small changes.
Among other things, it has been argued the entire movie is an allegory about gay acceptance. Rudolph being slightly different is judged by his father, who attempts to butch him up because he is “protecting” his son as a worried father is wont to do. In reality, Donner being one of Santa’s original eight reindeer and therefore high in north pole society, is only protecting his own standing out of embarrassment. Hermey is blatantly obvious. Not only is he the only elf in the story with hair, it is magnificent. He speaks with an effeminate voice and aspires to work on people’s teeth. That in itself isn’t gay but it is an odd thing for an elf to want to do. Finally, Yukon is the classic bear with his performative masculinity, that they meet to guide their path forward to first accepting themselves. The suspension of disbelief is low by the standard of today’s audience, who are well acquainted with the hero’s journey archetype.
Where it would likely be changed is in the narrator–not only is Burl Ives dead, he was a white male. He will be replaced with Morgan Freeman. The opening scene where Santa is body-shamed by his wife will be reversed, by Santa body shaming his wife with the gift of a Peleton bike. Santa and the north pole culture will need reinforcement of strict gender norms, and an oppressive culture in order for this storyline to work. This time around, he cannot be an amiable fellow traveler in the story. The Island of Misfit Toys unfortunately will have to be made into a delusional society that believes they are being oppressed by the world, thus will all be evangelical Christian misfits. King Moonracer will be the same in order to reinforce this delusion, because apparently nothing says misfit like a flying lion (when that’s actually freaking awesome). He will still decide to temporarily take in Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon because it is the Christian thing to do but knows three gays will not find acceptance on his island.
Either Rudolph or Hermey will need to be trans. The easier of the two will likely be Hermey because Santa has a “girl” elf uniform. Yukon is still a bear, There will be a Clarice, but she will merely be a “ally” rather than a love interest.
Honorable mentions:
Little Drummer Boy. This cannot be made again today. The drummer boy is an ass to everyone he meets in Israel. It takes the near death of his friend, a literal ass, for him to have a very literal “come to Jesus” moment. It is far too religious for nearly anyone to redo, and thus will be reserved for channels that cater to such audiences in it’s present form.
Frosty the Snowman. This cannot be made again. Apparently, we can’t handle a commercial where a man gives his wife an exercise bike for Christmas. **SPOILER ALERT** The snowman DIES at the end, nobody can handle that anymore.
Babka being a type of (((pastry))) that I have not tried but is available at a deli I frequently purchase bagels, might suggest this bear a Kosher certification, but I did not find one. This beer is otherwise fantastic. It is 10% ABV and pours like chocolate syrup…because it more or less is. They put down making a beer float with a scoop of vanilla ice cream as a serving suggestion. Quite frankly they do something like Samuel Smith’s Double Chocolate Stout, and went over the top with it, and priced it for the average Trader Joe’s shopper ($5). Which, isn’t all that bad. Campanology Brewing Chocolate Babka Stout 4.0/5
Comments
151 responses to “Nobody Wants a Charlie in the Box”
Rudolph was acreation of Mongomery Ward dept. stores….
And that Beer looks right up my alley, TJs huh?
Yes! I found it in produce (seriously).
Brilliant. Obligatory.
Didnt Bob & Tom used to play that bit ?
Don’t know. I heard it on Family Guy. (Please don’t judge.)
Thats it!
That sounded a lot more like Paul Harvey than Morgan Freeman. What am I missing?
Nitpick: these were all television specials, not movies.
OK, Boomer!
But seriously, TedS’ right.
Really? The fact that I can only find them the bulk DVD bin at Wal-Mart suggests these are movies.
One could also view it as a treatise on the virtues of individualism and specialization and capitalism. If the North Pole weren’t such pinkos, they should have been able to see Rudolph’s and Hermey’s usefulness from the get-go. The reindeer fly. That’s kinda fucked up to begin with. But their useful was evident immediately. Have they NEVER EVER BEFORE needed headlights? And have you seen those elves’ teeth? No. Because they don’t have any because they all rotted and they didn’t have a dentist. So they must all eat gruel.
“Gay” is a stretch, though.
They’re as gay as Bert and Ernie.
And Yosemite Sam is a butch lesbian trapped inside a man’s body.
Sounds about right.
*I* did not make the argument Rudolph, Hermey and Yukon are all gay, others I linked to did that, I am suggesting a remake they will most certainly be LGBQetc.
I swear that in no other spot on the inter webs will you find a semi serious analysis of old stop motion Christmas flicks interleaved with a beer review.
Related
Babka is basically a yeast cinnamon roll loaf, but rolled thinner prior to final shaping. It’s pretty yummy.
Being different is only ok if it provides utility.
https://youtu.be/AP2NzW2k95o
I sampled this Southern Tier Nitro Chocolate Milkshake a few weeks ago. Sounds quite similar. Very tasty but more appropriate as a dessert ingredient than as something to sit around and drink.
https://untappd.com/b/southern-tier-brewing-company-nitro-chocolate-milkshake/3330602
**SPOILER ALERT** The snowman DIES at the end, nobody can handle that anymore.
It were global warming what dunnit.
Time for a reboot!!
Don’t give them any ideas.
Greta saves him stopping the global climate catastrophe. In the post credits we see Frosty off himself after having to listen to her screeching.
Claymation and Nina Simone
https://youtu.be/eYSbUOoq4Vg
Nick Park had a birthday yesterday too but apparently wasn’t impressive enough to force a list of names 😉
Santa’s workshop: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OB0vi_960gQ
Thought it was gonna be this. (TW: language!)
Or this.
(compliments of robot chicken)
Why MadTV get no props?
They put down making a beer float with a scoop of vanilla ice cream as a serving suggestion.
Ewwwww.
agreed, Beer flavored Ice cream?
hard pass
I tried it with Miller Lite once when I was possibly too young to legally do so. It was beyond horrid.
However, I’ve been contemplating trying it again with a good porter or stout, such as this one. Might be good.
“Don’t knock it until you try it.” //Your mother
I tried her. Meh.
Oedipus is that you?
Not mine!
If you ever saw his mother, you wouldn’t say that.
Wasn’t Rudolph invented by Gene Autry?
nope, monkey Wards ad campaign,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolph_the_Red-Nosed_Reindeer
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a 20th century reindeer created by Robert Lewis May. Rudolph is usually depicted as the ninth and youngest of Santa Claus’s reindeer, using his luminous red nose to lead the reindeer team and guide Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve. Though he initially receives ridicule for his nose as a fawn, the brightness of his nose is so powerful that it illuminates the team’s path through harsh winter weather.
Rudolph first appeared in a 1939 booklet written by Robert L. May and published by Montgomery Ward, the department store.
That, book, I still have it,
Yur old.
Well, okay then
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolph_the_Red-Nosed_Reindeer_(song)
“Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is a song by songwriter Johnny Marks based on the 1939 story Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer published by the Montgomery Ward Company. Gene Autry’s recording hit No. 1 on the U.S. charts the week of Christmas 1949.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVu4c7dhDRE
By contrast, Santa Clause is Coming to Town would be a popular remake today. A petty tyrant of vaguely German descent is thwarted by a guy who figures out how to give free stuff to everybody. Give Santa eight flying donkeys instead of reindeer, and make the tyrant’s complexion a little more orange.
Or this,
Hooray!
https://youtu.be/M-TGnBOZj1U
In the woke remake we get open borders so the Martians win.
“The Year Without a Santa Claus” FTW
Hell, it’s even kinda feminist, Mrs. Claus plays a large, helpful and heroic part in it as I recall.
In Rudolph, his mom and Clarice set out alone to look for him, even after Donner says sternly, “No! This is MAN’S work!”
Don’t get between me and my baby–
everymost moms ever.Yeah they had to be rescued, but so did Donner.
@Neph… I was finally able to pick up the cookies. Sitting here in my car on my phone as I type, gobbling them down like a fat housewife bingeing on carbs in her car in the grocery store parking lot so her family won’t know she’s been cheating on her diet. But the scale knows.
Nom nom nom THANK YOU!!! I will demand recipes later, but let me know if you don’t want them in my online cookbook. I only share the bookmark occasionally, as I only made it for me to use at the grocery store.
Also, the lemon in the pfefferneuse makes it.
FTFY. Clearly self-defense. Completely justifiable.
I ❤ you.
I’m not a complete traitor. : )
Mo I think Neph is at a gaming confab this weekend. He probably won’t see this. FYI.
Thanks. I don’t think I have his email address. I just plopped my PO Box no. in a comment.
I am out of town. But was given a heads up about this. Glad you enjoyed the cookies, and I can provide recipes when I get back home.
OMG I’m melting over them. Thank you!!!
Claymation needs to make a comeback. There, I said it.
I like the cut of your jib.
/reads remake of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
Shit. I can see someone making that abomination
Babka being a type of (((pastry))) that I have not tried but is available at a deli I frequently purchase bagels, might suggest this bear a Kosher certification, but I did not find one. This beer is otherwise fantastic. It is 10% ABV and pours like chocolate syrup…because it more or less it. They put down making a beer float with a scoop of vanilla ice cream as a serving suggestion.
Sounds like a good dessert beer.
Brilliant, Mexi!
Would read/laugh again.
I’ll pass on the syrup, though.
Alcoholic syrup?
Also available in Dark Chocolate FTW!
Claymation needs to make a comeback. There, I said it.
Did it ever really leave us?
There is one hell of a lot of spare track in that box.
From the same people.
Yay Shaun! I’d buy a Serta mattress if it came with the sheep!
British. It doesn’t count.
:'(
Awwww! Don’t cry! SOME of us are Anglophiles! (***cough, cough*** sucker for accent ***cough, cough***)
I’m just taking a piss JD.
How about this?
Or this.
I had to look that one up when Iron Man says “make your move, Reindeer Games” to Loki, and it occurred to me that particular pop culture reference to a largely forgotten movie hasn’t aged too well.
The ubiquitous song says “reindeer games.” Predates the movie by far.
Related: I titled a chapter in a book “Everything but Yul Brenner.” My editor was like “WTF?” I put it to Twitter and said, “Watch this.”
My Twitter feed blew up with the reference. He went, “Huh.”
I get my kicks above the waist, sunshine.
A little out of character for me, but…
The queens WE use would not excite you.
A quiet, dreay December day. Time for a little somber reflection with some art that’s “critical and progressive and transgressive.” It’s also NSFW, but don’t let that set your expectations.
https://vimeo.com/372140609
Im out of beer, and OSU plays Wisconsin tonight. Here I come Meijer.
Psyching myself up for that one watching my alma mater play for the MAC champeenship. The Artists Formerly Known As Redskins just retook the lead! W00t!
tOSU just destroyed Penn St. in basketball
del Taco Tamales, not XLNT, but alright, and some North Coast Stout, good lunch on a cold day,
IDK about beer floats, but Cherry Lime Riickey (a sorbet made from cherries, lime juice, & vodka) from Ample Hills Creamery makes a jim dandy float when paired with Bourbon, ginger beer or ginger ale.
I did not realize how emotionally invested in Rankin/Bass’s Rudolph I am.
It must hit my K-Spot (Kinkade spot [TM Jarflax]).
In news from Berkeley East, this story features lambs and a dead son.
**facepalm, headdesk**
I thought they were going to shut down Antioch.
It was indeed shut down for three years. Zombie College.
Should have chopped off its head.
Reading that story almost gave me an absurdity-induced stroke.
Glib meet up. Everyone bring Lamb and a grill.
+1 jar mint jelly
Great idea. You’re my gyro!
The mother of a former Antioch student said the college has dishonored her late son by refusing to free its sustainable farm program’s lambs.
Oh, no.
No idea what I did there. Other than screw up formatting.
The mother of a former Antioch student said the college has dishonored her late son by refusing to free its sustainable farm program’s lambs.
I give. I blame Meijer burn-out. The place was a mess, and Im getting really sick of them perpetually being out of the 1 or 2 items I go there for.
And why didn’t they just drive the lambs up to Young’s and dump em there ?
And miss all that sweet, sweet virtue signalling? They had a vigil!! A VIGIL!!!
I used to do a lot of work for Navistar in Urbana. I will say that driving back to Cincy through campus, and seeing the girls out in their sundresses and floppy hats on a spring day was quite nice. They’re not all like JigglyPuff.
***
**facepalm, headdesk**
***
[Palpatine voice]
Good, good. Let the hate flow through you.
Once you start down the Derp path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
Meanwhile at Yale, a former university…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anRtKVOhCD4
Oh look, the comments are turned off.
OFFS. What the hell is wrong with people? “Me, me, me.”
I like all of the Christmas specials every year. Their the same ones every year, but they mostly still have universal appeal to kids.
The beer looks good. I’m glad my local watering hole has beers like this on tap so I can get a 6oz glass instead of having to drink a whole bottle. Most heavy beers like this are a good one and done for me.
We tried a different take out bbq joint today for lunch.
https://www.themeatwagonbbq.com
Not quite as good as our usual place, but pretty darn good with large portions. We’ll definitely go back.
Looks mighty good, I could enjoy that.
QUIT FLAUNTING YOUR BBQ PRIVILEGE!
The only BBQ joint in town (Dickies chain) just closed down. I have to go to another state now to get pulled pork.
One of the few things I miss about Wichita is a place called Hog Wild.
Oooh, we had a Dickeys that just closed down (health dept). I hate their food.
Yo Buckeyes.
https://i.imgur.com/vHXy2bC.jpg
Living LARGE Biatches! O-H!
…I-O !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WXcexId5s8
Another great bass line!
Easing into the evening with some Creme Brulee flavored coffee topped with Ezra Brooks Bourbon Cream Liqueur.
Still working on my next batch of headlines. In the meantime…
***
Biden Promises An Onion On Every Belt
DES MOINES- The 2020 contender continued his campaign aboard his No Malarkey bus. At today’s rally, he dramatically rode to the stage on an old-fashioned velocipede while dressed in knee breeches and a powdered wig as disco music thumped in the background. During his speech, Biden promised to beat the Soviets to the moon, capture Al Capone and his gang, and put tariffs on Oriental opium. Other highlights from the speech:
“America’s best days still lie ahead as we twirl towards freedom. Some people say the American dream is dead. Oh? Was America dead after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”
“When I was Vice President last year with Barack America, I stopped a school shooting by challenging the bastard to a push-up contest. And when I crossed the Delaware to surprise attack Corn Pop on Christmas, we won the Battle of the Alamo.”
“I’ll never forget shaking George Washington’s hand right after he gave his famous ‘I Have a Dream Speech’. We had just flown the Spirit of St Louis 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil to win that battle against the Irish.”
“I keep hearing that Chinamen are gonna beat us. Flimshaw! I’ve pissed higher than those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders.
“And so in conclusion, my fellow Americans, a vote for me is a vote for a corn in every pop and an onion on every belt. Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine and God bless the United States of America!”
***
Bravo! Lol!
fun fact: yes, he really did call him “Barack America”
https://youtu.be/r56zQu00fiE?t=626
Meanwhile, Biden’s campaign warns us that the world is laughing at Bad Orange Man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUSdf-_xmJg
Aren’t the Japanese the sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Or is Biden muffing the reference part of the joke?
Yeah, I had Biden mention the wrong Asians on purpose. Mr Burns Sr. might have been an old timey racist, but he was smart enough to know the difference between Chinese and Japanese.
Also: the Malarkey Bus has the definition of “malarkey” painted on the side
If you have to explain your slogan…
Geez. The Dems are fielding the worst candidates in my lifetime, and not just by a little bit. Fucking Lyndon Larouche wasn’t as bad as these fuckers.
Don’t worry, Hillary will step in and save the day!
A quick bit of serious criticism; sometimes you pack a little too much in. Subtle humor can be even funnier than over the top humor.
But hey, you have your own style, which I still think is funny as hell. Keep ’em coming!
It’s hard to make subtle jokes about Biden. I tried toning it down and it just didn’t seem right.
The Daily Show certainly wasn’t subtle about it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQUZAGXpgo4
Haha. Very good point.
Again, I think they’re great. You keep doing you, it’s hilarious.
*sigh* I have to let my love go.
If it runs, that’s a good deal. Will help someone out.
Did I make it sound like it doesn’t run? Now I’m worried.
No you didn’t. I’m just making the point that $500 for a car that runs is a good deal.
This is the one where it got stuck in 3rd gear, then we had a super-cold snap and it fixed itself. It’s been nothing but a dream since.
What is that dripping down the inside of the door? Wait, never mind don’t tell me.
3rd gear getting stuck was most likely one of the shuttle valves in the transmission getting stuck due to some sludge freezing up. I have had that happen before.
Drip = Gorilla glue (which I put in the ad).
The transmission went back to normal AFTER the cold snap. I was SOOOO shocked when it went back to normal. I was also very happy. It was dangerous to drive that way.
Let your love go like a mountain stream?
My thoughts exactly,
With the smallest of dreams,
I like that song. I just checked my music and I do not have it. #fail
I didnt click and I know thats Bellamy Bros.
Brave to put your phone number in a Craig’s list ad {grins mischievously}
Honestly, I have never had a problem doing that.
I might be overly paranoid
Six people already. I should’ve asked more.
Schedule all the buyers to arrive at close to the same time. This will create a sense of rivalry that will help you sell the car quickly for perhaps more than you offered.
I call it the “surprise auction”.
Well, Facebook (where all the interest is coming from) just took down my post for violating its commerce rules. I was sure it said something about tobacco and selling tobacco or related products is off-limits, but it’s a car. WTF?
Liberty is also a brand of cigarettes.
I have the word “ashtray” in my ad, because it’s broken. I THINK that might be it.
I’m 99% sure it’s the “Liberty” part. Did you mention that location in the FB ad? Those things are checked by a program and programs do not understand context.
That;s why Cold War era machine translation would turn “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” into “the meat is good, but the vodka stinks” upon re-translation.
a character from freedomtoons in real life
https://youtu.be/3EosJDaja70?t=41
Eggnog, Bourbon Cream, Crown Royal Maple. Fresh ground nutmeg and cinnamon.
Tasty.
https://www.amazon.com/photos/shared/3xjm0eylQhSku8sQaZA3PQ.pjJRXDaWaCidOMt5sIsLyD
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1304/40377/
*ads Spud’s first name to database of Glibs personal info*
I’m enjoying this with this as a back.
Which brings to mind something I’ve often thought about. Instead a food pairings, why doesn’t anybody do something useful like whisk(e)y and beer pairings?
Dayum. 17-3 Broncos at the half.
Likewise LSU over UGA at the half. Ooooh! Gotta play those lottery numbers!
Apropos of nothing – Lee Hardcastle is the modern master of one man claymation. All his videos are top notch but you could do worse than to start with this one.
https://youtu.be/y_z3EBalwI4
If King Moonracer could fly all over the world every night, why did he need the misfits to tell Santa about his island ? Fly there and tell him yourself.