Cryptid Christmastime Links

SEA SMITH WANT JOLLY OLD SAINT ZARDOZ VISIT HE!

SEA SMITH PROUD PRESENT…CRYPTID CHRISTMASTIME LINKS! HE ASK COUSIN STEVE SMITH AND FRIEND ZARDOZ GIVE LINKS FOR FUNNY GIBERTARIAN LAND HOOMANS. SEA SMITH MORE “MC” THAN GIVE LINK. HE BUSY LATELY…JUST WANT TRY THAI FOODS.

SO HERE ARE COUSIN STEVE SMITH!

STEVE SMITH NO FORGET (((HOLIDAY)))

STEVE SMITH SAY MAKE SURE PUT ON GOOD MUSIC FOR CHRISTMASTIME!

STEVE SMITH MAKE SURE CHRISTMAS MERRY!
STEVE SMITH HOLD MISTLETOE OVER HEAD.
HIM NO RAPE SANTA!
THIS EASY LISTENING.

STEVE SMITH TRY GET “VISIT STEVE SMITH CAVE” IN LIST.  THEM NO PUT IN. STEVE SMITH WONDER WHYCOME NOT?

THIS SILLY. STAY SCHOOL, LEARN! NO MAKE TRAFFIC BAD.

NOW YOU GET LINKS FROM FRIEND ZARDOZ!

FREE CASCADIA!

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. MERRY CLEANSEMAS…ER, CHRISTMAS, CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS IT EASY, FOR SHOPPING. IT IS ALWAYS THE GIFT OF THE GUN! THE GUN IS GOOD – IT SHOOTS DEATH AND CLEANSES THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. HOWEVER, ZARDOZ HAS COME TO GIVE LINKS, NOT INSTRUCT. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

  • OUI, OUI. DEFY…VERY NICE. BUT WHY NO CLEANSING? THIS SITUATION CALLS FOR MADAME GUILLOTINE TO REAPPEAR!
  • HMMM. A BIT TOO UNSTABLE FOR THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS.
  • THIS APPEARS TO BE A GOOD INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY IN THE MAKING! … WHY ARE THE CHOSEN ONES LAUGHING? WHAT COULD GO WRONG WITH THEIR SOVEREIGN DEBT?

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

SEA SMITH SAY THANKS COME BY. ENJOY TIME HERE.

COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

Comments

353 responses to “Cryptid Christmastime Links”

  1. Sean

    Hail Zardoz!

    1. Grummun

      You’re just sucking up for the gift of the gun.

      1. AlmightyJB

        I will suck…oh wait Zardoz doesn’t…nevermind…

  2. I could use a gift of the gun.

    1. Sean

      We all could. *wistfull sigh*

      1. Yeah, but I really really NEED one. The rest of you just WANT one.

        1. Sean

          Rusty can lids just don’t have much range, eh?

          1. Plinker762

            Can lid projector?

        2. Florida Man

          Not until you’re 18, young lady.

          1. Sean

            I had 2 .357s in my bedroom by 16. Just saying.

          2. dbleagle

            Prude. My great-grandfather gave me his 16ga double barrel when I was 11. My parents game me my first .22 at 12 and a .270 at 14. I say SP should get her first gift gun after she graduates from the Arizona Hunter Safety Course (registration permitted at the age of 10).

        3. Not Adahn

          Speaking of needing a gun…

          For Yusef:

          I read that your wife needed a self-defense gun which was usable within reduced arm strength? Two recommendations.

          1. The Smith & Wesson M&P 380EZ. It gets great reviews, and is readily available. Don’t know if it’s been approved for Cali.
          2. The Standard Manufacturing S333 Thunderstruck, shown here It’ll be much harder to find, but as a revolver it will have fewer legal restrictions.

          Now people can argue the merits of .380 vs 2 shots of .22WMR

          1. Think they’re still planning on moving in the short term, so recommendations on the best low recoil affordable options regardless of CA legality is probably appreciated.

            Can’t really recommend anything myself.

          2. AlmightyJB

            I would second the M&P EZ.

        4. Spudalicious

          Come to Idaho and help me dredge a couple out of the lake.

        5. AlmightyJB

          What kind do you need?

          1. Jarflax

            Glib collection for SP’s legal physical defense fund.

    2. Chafed

      You need to dish. There’s clearly a story here.

      1. Jarflax

        She’s married to OMWC. Are you sure you want to know the story?

  3. Florida Man

    Those three kids don’t look so hard to me. Britain really is neutered.

    1. Rhywun

      Hoo boy that story has everything.

      1. Chafed

        Except the cops shooting that bastard.

    2. AlmightyJB

      The Little Rascals would take over the country.

    3. JD is Unemployed

      Yes and no – the gangs are emboldened (drink!) by the idiot state who flounders in the notion that banning things will make criminals not have the things (knives, guns, etc). Interestingly the Labour party won’t touch gangs at all, not in any real sense, because among that demographic are the yoof who will vote them into power. Dare I say they are also the yoof with the finely cultured brutality to effectively become the paramilitary wing of the socialists (watch it happen subtly – government “turning their lives around” etc) once they have been voted in. Socialism; you only have to vote for it once.

  4. straffinrun

    Gotta give the French props for having cool fire fighter outfits.

    1. Spudalicious

      Nah. Murhican fire helmets have a bill in the back to prevent water and embers from going down the back of your neck. The Frenchies don’t. And besides that, they’re French.

  5. Rhywun

    Why can’t we be more like France? National strikes for everyone!

    1. AlmightyJB

      What do you mean we have to work?

  6. I have a question.

    I’m trying to look up information on the mechanism by which voluntary muscle movement is deactivated during sleep. I had looked under ‘Sleep Paralysis’, but only found information on when someone wakes up before the mechanism shuts off.

    Does anyone know the correct term?

    1. Rhywun

      Hypnagogia.

      I have had it on and off for a couple decades. Very rarely lately, knock on wood.

      1. Not that one, I’m looking for the normal process and biological mechanism, not any disfunction or ailment.

        1. Rhywun

          Ah. I’ll see myself out now.

        2. I believe we call that ‘Sleep’

          1. No, sleep is a complex of states, I’m looking for a component thereof.

    2. straffinrun

      This article just calls it “switching off”.

      https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/07/120711131030.htm

    3. egould310

      Alcohol?

  7. straffinrun

    *Googles ASBO* According to Wiki, these can get you an ASBO:

    abandoning cars
    arson
    begging
    casteism
    dangerous driving
    defecating/urinating in public
    disturbing the peace
    dogging (exhibitionistic public sex)
    drug dealing/consumption of controlled recreational drugs
    drunken behaviour
    fare evasion
    intimidation
    littering/fly tipping/dog fouling
    loitering (with intent)
    noise pollution
    paedophilic activity
    racism and xenophobia
    rioting
    rudeness
    smoking in public places
    spitting
    stealing/mugging/shoplifting
    urban exploration
    vandalism/criminal damage/graffiti

    Those things can get you banned from a geographical area within Britain?

    1. Rhywun

      LOL my neighborhood would be empty in a week.

    2. AlmightyJB

      Are you loitering? Yes, but I don’t mean to.

    3. AlmightyJB

      Racism is one thing, but I’m certainly not giving up casteism.

      1. Gender Traitor

        giving up casteism

        Hindus hardest hit?

        1. AlmightyJB

          There’s Glibertarians and then there’s everyone else.

    4. Rhywun

      urban exploration

      WTF?

      1. AlmightyJB

        Probably squatting in abandoned homes or something like that.

      2. KSuellington

        Urban exploration is going into off limits areas to explore such as the tops of tall buildings, abandoned buildings, subway tunnels, construction sites, and other areas where you are trespassing. The thing is it is not for any malicious reasons, but purely to check out off-limits places in the urban environment, just for the thrill or to take a few photos. To put it in the same basket as kiddie diddling and arson is fucjking ridiculous.

    5. Tulip

      Hey Straffinrun, I said it yesterday, but thanks for the challenge. I’m really enjoying it and drawing everyday. Even if I don’t get better, it’s good therapy for me – the time limit means I can’t over think it. I only have 5-10 minutes to do the sketch before I start using paint. I think the time limit means I have to focus on overall mood instead of a particular piece. Let me know if you’re posting more drawings. Thanks again

      1. straffinrun

        Glad to hear it. I’m not sure that what I’ve learned will be apparent in the final sketches, but that’s not what’s important. Hopefully, the glibs that are trying the challenge will at least come to understand the amount that they have left to learn. I’m realizing that I don’t know a lot about things that I didn’t even know existed.

        1. Tulip

          Who else is doing it, I’d love to see the drawings

          1. straffinrun

            Capt Laputim, Cannoli, Sean (yes, I’m counting that), you and I. And anyone else that’s joining but hasn’t posted yet.

          2. PudPaisley

            I stopped drawing in Jr High and haven’t tried since. This is about as good as anything I ever drew.

            https://m.imgur.com/gallery/S11SuK4

          3. Rhywun

            “Zoinks! You’ve taken a wrong turn.”

          4. Florida Man

            I feel you’re a bigger scooby doo fan than you let on, Rhy.

          5. straffinrun

            That counts, Pud. You’re in.

          6. Tulip

            Have they posted? I must have missed it.

          7. Cannoli

            I posted my first try after the thread was long dead. I haven’t done any practice or study since, though, because life’s been pretty busy, so I’m not expecting much progress, unfortunately.

          8. Tulip

            Nice! I posted mine on the dead thread as well

    6. commodious spittoon

      Aussies do AVOs.

      HOUSOS HOUSOS HOUSOS

      1. Rhywun

        Fuuuck. The US really is the last bastion, isn’t it?

        1. commodious spittoon

          I don’t care. I never had kids. Best of luck to the niece and nephews. I’m scarpering off to the woods the first shots fired.

        2. commodious spittoon

          I like to think there’s a reason Greta’s not some DC or LA munchkin… it’d be too obvious. Too obvious, and too cynical. And I’d like to think that the only reason that Greta’s as lily white as they come is because even Europeans recognize how fucked they are. She’s the last gasp of the dying European welfare state. She’s it for their consensus. A pathetic mewling whine of their drowning human relevance overtaken by the oncoming tide.

  8. dbleagle

    Good night all. I am off to the airport and the lessor DC area. Snark well in my absence.

    1. Gender Traitor

      Safe travels! Hope you get to meet some mainland Glibs. If so, please report back!

    2. Tulip

      Give me a call if you want to do something tomorrow as well as Sunday.

      1. Is there a meet up planned?

        1. Tulip

          We’re meeting for dinner Sunday. If you’d like to join, let me know. We’re going to Bastille

          1. Tulip

            Anyone else who wants to join, let me know and I’ll change the reservation

  9. Since I missed morning links – Navy OCS was significantly more painful than Army Basic (maybe just because I was older – and it was winter in Newport). Definitely more mass punishment, absolute stupidity courtesy of the USMC DIs and the few nukes in our platoon. Gunny Stahl was seriously tweaked.

    1. westernsloper

      I only had to do fall in Cape May NJ. I noticed the lack of the t and the addition of CDR to the handle and meant to say congrats! I miss all morning links except some on weekends. Some of us have to work.

    2. Gustave Lytton

      But it was totally worth it for Debra Winger, right?

  10. Rhywun

    Moreover, to say Buttigieg has thus far failed to make the sale to black voters is like saying Tom Brady isn’t so well liked in Buffalo.

    *snort*

    1. AlmightyJB

      I don’t think I could go from Orange Man to Invisible Man. Can you imagine how lame his tweets will be? Boring.

  11. Drake

    Recommendations for a gift please. What’s a good $50 to $70 bourbon or rye?

      1. KSuellington

        Ohh, looks good. On my shopping list.

    1. Derpetologist

      Whistle Pig is a damn good rye.

      1. Florida Man

        Correct. Do not buy piggy back or any of the more expensive ones. Farmstock is acceptable, but the standard whistlepig is best.

    2. Crusty Juggler

      Four Roses Single Barrel.

      1. Spudalicious

        I’ve got that in my glass right now.

        1. Crusty Juggler

          Mixed with ice and coke?

          1. Spudalicious

            Negatory. A splash of water.

    3. egould310

      Just landed ay SEA. Waiting at the bat for my wife’s flight to land from SFO. Sitting at the bar, and the bartender finished of the bottle of Bulleit rye. I have a monster amount of booze.

      Cheers Glibs!!

  12. Sean

    Yeah…I’m drunk and I’m out. Night yall .

    1. Tulip

      C’mon, I’m just getting started. I’m having a martini.

      1. Florida Man

        Which gin?

        1. Crusty Juggler

          Dirty vodka martini or gtfo

          1. Florida Man

            You get the fuck out! Martinis are made with gin, you savage!

          2. Tulip

            Really

          3. Florida Man

            Too much?

          4. commodious spittoon

            Too much gin? never.

          5. Tulip

            Nope, I’m agreeing with you. If it doesn’t have gin and vermouth, it isn’t a martini

        2. Tulip

          Tanqueray

          1. Florida Man

            Noyce!

          2. AlmightyJB

            That’s my go to.

          3. Florida Man

            I’m really in to Roku gin right now. I also like empress and Hendricks.

          4. Tulip

            I like Solveig from Far North Spirits. But, I can’t get it here. Thankfully, MikeS has helped me out

          5. MikeS

            Let me know when you need your next fix. ??????

          6. Rhywun

            Mine is Gordon’s – cheap and juniper-forward. Surprisingly well-rated for the price. Plus it comes in a plastic bottle that’s easy to lug around 🙂

          7. egould310

            Cheers!!

    2. Spudalicious

      It’s 7:15.

      1. Rhywun

        Maybe he lives in the Azores or something.

  13. Derpetologist

    Not Xmas, but it did happen near the North Pole:

    That time an Arctic explorer escaped from an avalanche by making a knife out his own poop:

    ***
    Freuchen wrote personal accounts of this journey (and others) in Vagrant Viking (1953) and I Sailed with Rasmussen (1958). He states in Vagrant Viking that only one other dogsled trip across Greenland was ever successful. When he got stuck under an avalanche, he used his own feces to fashion a dagger with which he freed himself.[15]
    ***

    He was also an anti-Nazi resistance fighter and escaped from prison despite having lost one leg to frostbite years before.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIIO-GOjc20

    Move over, To Build a Fire. Make room for To Poop a Knife.

    1. Spudalicious

      That’s some serious fiber in the diet.

      1. Derpetologist

        ackshually…

        Protein is what makes it hard. The fiber just makes it easier to stick together.

        In the Arctic, spit and piss will freeze almost as soon as hits the ground.

        Mt Everest is covered in frozen shit, thus providing ample raw material for emergency poop daggers.

        1. Rhywun

          Poop Daggers

          Worst band name evar.

        2. Spudalicious

          “Poop daggers” I see a ska band name.

          1. egould310

            Skatknife!

          2. Derpetologist

            Blades of Shit

            Shit Sword

            Kaka Katana

            Feces Gladius

            Poop Sabre

    1. Rhywun

      Nope.

      Man… the media can’t help themselves, can they.

  14. AlmightyJB
    1. Florida Man

      She seems cool.

      1. AlmightyJB

        Lol. Nice:)

      2. Crusty Juggler

        Who is Larry Craig?

  15. peachy rex

    This is an ass kicking so far – and Utah is supplying the ass.

    1. Crusty Juggler
      1. Charles Easterly

        I remember your offering of links fairly well from the past, CJ, and the responses form those reducing numbers of individuals who clicked upon them.

        1. Crusty Juggler

          It’s a photo of a lady with a nice hiney.

          1. Charles Easterly

            Hiney as in this description?

            Asking for myself and remembering you fairly well at the same time.

            Note that regardless of your response I will not look.

            However… you may wonder why I presented this particular source for my response.

            Hints: The number of countries on the original Risk game board, the answer to “Life, The Universe, and Everything”, et cetera.

            There is also this: Nice to banter with you again over trivial matters.

          2. Crusty Juggler

            You are very fun to interact with.

    2. AlmightyJB

      I didn’t know that was tonight. Guess that Oklahoma-Baylor game tomorrow just got much more interesting.

      1. peachy rex

        I figured the Big 12 champ would probably edge ahead of Utah (beating #6 or #7 is better than beating #14)… but the Utes are making life really easy for the committee right now.

    3. Jarflax

      The Pac 12 really really hates the thought of being in the playoffs don’t they?

      1. peachy rex

        Most definitely. Oregon might yet regret kicking three point blank figgies, though.

  16. JaimeRoberto Delecto

    Looks like the PAC 8/10/12 won’t have anyone in the playoffs again.

    1. Gustave Lytton

      Thank you for the Pacific-8.

  17. Crusty Juggler

    What’s the most times you’ve had to flush the toilet after one poo sesh?

    1. AlmightyJB

      Stop flirting.

    2. JaimeRoberto Delecto

      Are you counting floaters?

      1. Crusty Juggler

        Anything flushable.

    3. straffinrun

      I never flush. The wife or daughter seem capable.

      1. Tejicano

        And probably willing even if not happy about it in the least.

      2. Tulip

        How are you not divorced?

        1. Rhywun

          LOL I’ve wondered the same a couple times.

        2. straffinrun

          I don’t only pack the toilet.

    4. Jarflax

      Flush? I thought the new thing was to crap on the street?

  18. Crusty Juggler

    Swift’s ‘Christmas Tree Farm’ Video Is a VHS Wonderland

    From the description of things, this was very whim-ish. According to her camp, Swift really did write the song just this past Sunday, December 1. It sounds less spontaneous than that, given the strings and gospel singers that appear on the tune, which Swift wrote solo and co-produced with Jimmy Napes (best known as Sam Smith’s collaborator). But if anyone can acquire a choir and orchestration on the spur of the moment, it would be Swift — who apparently was not fictionalizing the part about missing home, since credits show she recorded it far, far from firs at London Lane Studios in the UK (which is at least a home for the transatlantically smitten singer for the holidays).

    She’s so cool!

    1. Cacciatore

      Swift can go to hell. None of these doped up pop stars write anything; their agents and producers do all the legwork and let them claim the glory because that equals profit.

      1. Derpetologist

        There’s a reason all pop music sounds the same…

        ***
        Karl Martin Sandberg (Swedish: [¹maʈːɪn ²san(d)bærj, – ²sambærj]; born 26 February 1971),[2][3] known professionally as Max Martin, is a Swedish singer, songwriter and record producer. He rose to prominence in the second half of the 1990s after making a string of major hits such as Britney Spears’s “…Baby One More Time” (1998), The Backstreet Boys’s “I Want It That Way” (1999), and NSYNC’s “It’s Gonna Be Me” (2000).

        Martin has written or co-written 22 Billboard Hot 100 number-one hits, most of which he has also produced or co-produced, including Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” (2008), Maroon 5’s “One More Night” (2012), Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” (2014), and The Weeknd’s “Can’t Feel My Face” (2015). Martin is the songwriter with the third-most number-one singles on the chart, behind only Paul McCartney (32) and John Lennon (26).[4] In addition, he has had the second most Hot 100 number-one singles as a producer, 22, behind George Martin, who had achieved 23 by the time of his death.[4]
        ***

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Martin

        Country music is even more formulaic:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY8SwIvxj8o

        1. Florida Man

          Country music is even more formulaic:-

          Duh. David Allen Coe wrote a song about it.

          1. Tres Cool

            DIdnt say nuthin about momma, or trains, or rain…

          2. Gender Traitor

            If that’s the song in question, I gotta put on my pedant hat & give the writing props to Steve Goodman & John Prine.

            Also: Dogs and Christmas

          3. Florida Man

            Fine DAC SANG a song about it. Happy?

          4. Gender Traitor

            Blissful! Thanks! : )

          5. l0b0t

            Country Christmas song – https://youtu.be/P37xPiRz1sg

        2. Cacciatore

          I’m well aware. That is why I chose the words that I did.

        3. JD is Unemployed

          Country music is even more formulaic:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY8SwIvxj8o

          It’s like folk then, or hip hop, or reggae, or punk, or any other genre. I’ve got a stick up my bonnet about the snark that clowns lay on country because it’s either total fantasy (see Key and Peele’s creepy skit about how country music is racist in which they tell people they’re okay with country music as long as it doesn’t include all the racist stuff they just made up), or it’s saying it’s shit because it’s all the same, whereas so many of those critics will go ahead and put on their favourite “R&B”, trap, whatever garbage genre the kids are into now and not see the godawful hypocrisy. Country music gets it hard because pickup trucks, dirt roads, white people, farming, etc is all “racist”. Case in point see the VP at CBS who dismissed the LV shooting victims as not deserving of sympathy because “Republican gun toters”.

          In short, country is at it’s heart just a folk tradition, albeit now dressed up in shiny pop production values, and if you know anything about the folk scene, at it’s core it remains just as thematically and stylistically devoted to the standards and tropes as any country. Country is just a younger form, so it hasn’t established itself in the pantheon quite as well yet, but gets a lot more shit than other genres which have been watered down for the charts because white people! pickup trucks! God! Icky!!!

          ps – I really enjoyed that mashup, unironically, and ditto the David Allen Coe comment. There’s an old fella that sings that in the pubs round here sometimes, and he’s an old commie by all accounts.

  19. Cacciatore

    Tomorrow is my one day off this week and therefore this is my one night to get drunk!

    December is a busy time of year for a chorister, I’ll be grateful when I’ve sang my last solo and gone to my last concert rehearsal later on this month.

    For now: YEEEEHAWW!!!! VODKA!!!!!

    1. Gender Traitor

      Whatcha singin’? Wall-to-wall “Messiah”? Or something a bit more out of the ordinary?

      1. Cacciatore

        I’ve done “Gabriel’s Message” as a solo and have “Cantique Divine” scheduled. Concert this year is a history of carols, so there are a songs from 700AD all the way up to “Somewhere In My Memory”!

        1. Gender Traitor

          700 AD! Cool! Plainsong?

          1. Cacciatore

            A Capella women’s trio…it’s what became Veni Emmanuel. Title escapes me and I don’t have the program at my desk, not far from plainsong!

        2. egould310

          700AD. Cool.

    2. Derpetologist

      You need to sing something to cleanse:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yctXV3uHBs

      1. Cacciatore

        If I want something hardcore I’ll throw on August Burns Red or A Day To Remember

  20. Florida Man

    I got the talking blues:
    https://youtu.be/BBydsvJX8vM

  21. Tres Cool

    I’m just gonna leave this here.

    1. Gender Traitor

      Fun! That got past me first time around – right around the beginning of my first marriage, and when we listened to radio, it was mostly geezer rock.

      1. Tres Cool

        The 1st time I saw Lone Justice was on Letterman, and that was the song. Maria McKee is complete spaz.
        I think I was 15.

    2. Charles Easterly

      Tres,

      I have little doubt that I will have the full 22 minutes to watch this at some time in the near future. Currently I reached 5:53.

      1. Tres Cool

        This is good too.
        An interview with Maria post Lone Justice, and she comes across as batshit insane.

        1. Chafed

          Only because she is. Didn’t she find Jesus shortly before the breakup?

    1. Florida Man

      I really liked the coen brothers, True Grit.

    2. RegicidalManiac

      You could make Blood Meridian into a movie. It would be an awful one. Great book, will not make a good movie.

      Would love to see how someone tries to film the “making black powder with piss” scene though, purely for the absurdity.

      1. Atlas Shrugged was a horrible movie. Movies.

  22. Crusty Juggler

    Upstate NY Police Say They Won’t Enforce Controversial New Law That Makes Annoying a Cop a Crime

    “We read it, and we all said ‘no’,” said Gates Police Chief Jim VanBrederode, who serves as the association president.

    The law is the law.

    1. Rhywun

      could be enforced disproportionately against minority populations

      Yeah, that’s what’s wrong with it.

      1. Cacciatore

        Like, you know, any other law…since enforcement is at the discretion of the enforcers. Just go ahead and say it: DEM COPS IS RAYCISS!

        1. Rhywun

          That was my thought – you could literally apply the same objection to ANY law. It’s completely meaningless.

          1. Cacciatore

            Same tired old drivel. “X disproportionately effects women and minorities!”

  23. Derpetologist

    Something to inspire us all…

    I’ve been reading the autobiography of Nicholas Irving, an Army sniper with 33 confirmed kills in Afghanistan.

    He wanted to be a Navy SEAL at first, but was rejected because he was color blind. The Army offered to take him as infantry. The vision screening worker fudged the results of his eye test. She traced the numbers with her finger so he could see them. It was the height of the Iraq war, so why turn away a motivated guy who wants to do combat arms?

    Anyway, the color blindness was irrelevant to his sniper career because all his missions were at night.

    Harry Truman cheated on the eye test to get into the Army. He memorized the chart.

    He also said: Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

    1. straffinrun

      If he can tell dark tones from light tones, our racist, imperialist army says “No problem.”

      1. Derpetologist

        More like: can you tell green from black while looking through night vision goggles?

        1. Gustave Lytton

          *memories of stumbling through the woods at night with PVS-7’s*

  24. Crusty Juggler

    Artificial trees more popular than real ones again this holiday season, Siena poll says

    The poll found nearly three-quarters of New Yorkers will have a Christmas tree this year, but the number of people who said they have a fake tree was nearly double the number of those who said they have a real tree in their home.

    Wouldn’t.

    Get it?

    Get it?

  25. Florida Man

    Goodnight. See you misfit toys in two weeks. Try not to burn the joint down while I’m gone.

    1. Tres Cool

      Remember to charter that boat.

      *wink wink*

    2. egould310

      Have fun. Get laid!

  26. Festus

    Howdy Neighbors! That “Merry Rapey Christmas” album cover always makes me laugh and then feel pensive and then laugh some more.

    1. Derpetologist

      Yay! You’re alive!

    2. Jarflax

      How are things Festus?

    3. Gender Traitor

      Delighted to see you! Hope you’re feeling better!

      1. Festus

        Indeed! My innards are apparently fine once more (at least that’s what the docca said a couple of weeks ago). Cracked my first beer in nearly two months tonight. Still waiting on the surgery.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          Well, if you’re drinking beer, then must be all better. Surgery’s secondary.

    4. Tejicano

      Hey! Festus! Really good to see you here again.

      1. Festus

        Thanks, Man! It’s been a grind but I’m back, somewhat. I lost twenty pounds but I’ve gained most of them back and tightened my belt a notch. That’s my Glib-Fit story. Still tire easily, though. Wifey thinks its nutrition related but I don’t know about that. Shittin’ like a champ!

        1. Crusty Juggler

          “Shittin’ like a champ!”

          God bless ya

    5. egould310

      Heyyyooooo!!!! There he is! There he is!

      Good to see you!

      1. Festus

        One of my sites decided to make me the target of their Xmas charity largess. They raised a thousand bucks for me gift basket-wise. I was pretty much Sally Field when they handed me the envelope. I’ve spent the entirety of my working life there being courteous and unassuming. STOP NOTICING ME!

        1. Tulip

          Use it in the spirit it was given. Enjoy!

          1. Festus

            Beers and ciggies, gotcha!

        2. Cacciatore

          FESTUS IS BACK! FESTUS IS BACK!

    6. KSuellington

      Drinking beer and everything, good news.

    7. westernsloper

      Glad you are better! not that I knew you were sick.

      1. Festus

        If that’s your version of negging then count me all in!

        1. westernsloper

          Naaaa, no negging. I am not here much after early bedtime and if I am I don’t remember much. I blame tequila. After I typed that I did remember you were not well so delayed remembrance. I blame tequila. The glad you are better! stands.

    8. straffinrun

      Merry season, Festface!

      1. Festus

        A literal translation from my favourite Gaijin!

  27. Derpetologist

    A Babylon Bee knock-off by yours truly:

    ***
    AARP Warns Seniors That Stuff Costs More Than It Used To

    MIAMI – AARP has introduced a new seminar for seniors. In the first workshop, seniors are introduced to the idea that $1 is now the smallest unit of useful currency and that coins are basically money crumbs. Later, seniors will learn that they will inevitably decline physically through a process called “aging” which ultimately leads to a state known as “death”.
    This will be explained to them with the help of the classic cartoon Charlotte’s Web.

    Although the idea that just as everyone is born, everyone dies might be shocking or even offensive to seniors, AARP leaders believe these truths should not be sugar-coated.

    AARP hopes that the seminar will help seniors look past things such as the music they like isn’t played anymore and the clothes are different.

    In the last segment, seniors are reminded that historically, few people made it past 70 years, as a large portion of humanity died young from famine, disease, and war. Doctors advise seniors to complain about “the kids these days” and make sure they wear onions on their belts.

    ***

    1. KSuellington

      Heh, heh. Money crumbs, I like that. I had an elderly woman customer this week that needed that article. “$110!!? Wow, that’s really expensive!” “Ma’am, how much do you think that it costs to fill the gas tank on my truck out there?” “What, 30 or 40 dollars?”

      1. Rhywun

        I probably have a thousand dollars in useless coins sitting around my house in jars and coffee cans. Can’t stand the things.

        1. KSuellington

          Dude, you could buy like a block of houses in Detroit with that kind of scrill. Start wrapping them nickels up!

          1. Rhywun

            Or a down payment on my monthly rent ?

        2. Deplorableme

          I used to collect those in coffee cans. Then once or twice a year, I go to Vegas where they would count it for free and give me cash. That was my spending money. If I came home with any left, I consider myself a winner.

          1. Rhywun

            Nice. Fuck CoinStar.

    2. Derpetologist

      Before anyone thinks I’m clever, my bit is a rip-off of a Futurama joke:

      [trying to wake up an unconscious professor Farnsworth]

      Leela : Try shocking him.

      Bender : Your social security check’s bounced. Stuff cost more than it used to. Young people use curse words.

      Fry : Damn it.

      “Mediocre artists imitate; great artists steal.” – Pablo Picasso

      1. Rhywun

        At least you’re stealing from the best.

      2. KSuellington

        That’s not what I would consider stealing material. That’s using the same theme. Not even close.

    3. Derpetologist

      True story – I was invited to join AARP at the ripe age of 20, because I apparently have the spending habits of an old miser.

      Bah, humbug!

  28. Crusty Juggler

    Store vows to ‘rethink’ red badges for workers on their period

    e uniform flare featured a manga character dubbed “Little Miss Period,” according to the Japan Times.

    A store branch located in Osaka’s Umeda district launched the badges, which were voluntary, as a way to allow employees to discreetly indicate to supervisors that they are experiencing their menstrual cycle — which may allow for extended breaks and extra help.

    The store said they created the system based on suggestions from their staff, and were in part as promotion for a new section of the store dedicated to “women’s wellbeing,” which opened last week.

    Higuchi said they had merely intended to “improve the working environment.”

    I make my female employees wear a badge that says, “I smell like a rabbit’s cage.”

    1. Cacciatore

      You think vodka goes in martinis.

      SHUN!

      1. Jarflax

        Gin is nasty.

        1. Cacciatore

          You’re wrong and you should feel bad.

          1. Tulip

            I agree. Gin is good.

          2. Cacciatore

            This gal gets it.

          3. Jarflax

            This is gin!

            This is Whisky

          4. Cacciatore

            Didn’t know they served whiskey in Bollywood.

          5. Jarflax

            Full disclosure, when I was 12 I was at a holiday party with my family at one of their friends houses. Everyone thought it was cute that I decided to bartend. I, on the other hand, thought it was awesome and I was drinking everything in sight. I enjoyed all of it until I poured myself 6 ounces of gin and drank it straight off.

            I spent the rest of the evening vomiting juniper berries. 40 years later and the smell still makes me gag.

          6. Cacciatore

            You developed a taste aversion. I have that problem with menthol cigarettes.

    2. Tres Cool

      You employ rabbit handlers ?

  29. Gustave Lytton

    Hey straffin-san, what’s with Amazon.jp’s Cyber Monday starting on Friday and running over the weekend? Is it just Amazon or some Nippon thing?

    1. Cacciatore

      I blame it on Japan for being a giant open air high school.

    2. straffinrun

      No idea what that means.

        1. straffinrun

          Oh. I never shop online, so I didn’t know.

  30. Crusty Juggler

    Joe Biden’s Most ‘Courageous’ Moments

    ASSERTED ALPHA DOMINANCE OVER ASH CARTER

    Facts are facts, people.

    1. Derpetologist

      In the words of Dale Gribble, Biden is the feces that results when shame eats too much stupidity.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsV4CBOGidg

      Just the same, I would not mind him being elected, as it would force SNL and The Onion to make fun of Team Blue for once.

      1. Cacciatore

        “as it would force SNL and The Onion to make fun of Team Blue for once”

        I don’t know what you’re smoking, I would sure like to try some.

        1. Akira

          Agreed, I’m not sure that would happen.

          But I do agree with Dave Smith – he said on a recent episode that the best part of a Biden candidacy would be watching the corporate media bend over backwards trying to portray his creepy-ass behavior as something completely normal.

    2. straffinrun

      Needz moar push ups.

      1. Cacciatore

        Look, fat…

        1. straffinrun

          It doesn’t make sense in his sentence to say, “Fat”. Pretty sure he said, “Fag”.

          1. Rhywun

            OMG OMG OMG that would be epic

          2. Jarflax

            I’m too soft for politics. I feel very bad for Biden. The man is slipping deeper into dementia every day and his handlers trundle him out on stage just the same. The moment my dislike turned to sympathy was his wandering off toward back stage still speaking as if he was facing the audience. That’s not a ‘moment of confusion’ that is an old guy who really is not aware what is going on.

          3. Cacciatore

            Fuck Joe Biden. I have zero sympathy for a corrupt old weirdo who has gone out of his way to enrich his problem child at the expense of American interest.

          4. Rhywun

            Sigh, you’re probably right.

            He’s still a dick.

          5. Cacciatore

            NO! NO! HE SAID “FACT!”

            /CNN et al

    3. Rhywun

      So… at one time he was not a war-monger and he has hair challenges. Truly, a monster.

    1. Gustave Lytton

      Most obnoxious opening narration?

    2. Festus

      There is only one Donovan song- https://youtu.be/h_kmIsmw2fc

      1. Gender Traitor

        ^^THIS!!^^ Mr. GT & I used to pair this up with For What It’s Worth.

      2. KSuellington

        That’s going on the teevee that’s hooked to the stereo right now. Haven’t heard that in a little while.

      3. Crusty Juggler

        Hurdy Gurdy Man > Season of the Witch

        1. Festus

          Lies! Double damn lies!

    1. Cacciatore

      The response I would have gotten as a child: “No shit. You gonna put it up, kid?”

  31. Vacuous

    I have decided to not pursue a PhD. I’m tired of homework and studying, and I don’t want to spend a few more years in school just to get a credential. I have finals next week, then a month break until spring semester.

    1. Gender Traitor

      Can’t blame you a bit. Any idea yet what you’ll do instead?

      1. Vacuous

        I had no interest in academics. The plan still is to find a job in finance or data science.

        1. Gender Traitor

          Oh well, hell! You don’t need to Pile it Higher & Deeper to find work in those fields!

    2. Cacciatore

      I bid thee well. Four finals on the 11th for me.

      1. Festus

        Triggered! Just sorta joking. I had six mid-terms and five essays due at the same time when I was sixteen. We didn’t have semesters.

        1. Cacciatore

          Since I pay for my own education failure is not an option.

          I gave a presentation in a marketing class last week, and I was the only one who wore a decent outfit to do so.

          I’m a little older than most of my classmates, but not by much. Isn’t the goal of going to school to get a job? At least try to look like you want one.

          1. Rhywun

            Isn’t the goal of going to school to get a job?

            Not traditionally. Unless you mean a job in a school.

          2. Cacciatore

            In the modern tradition it most certainly is the goal.

        2. MikeS

          Did you have to write them uphill both ways, too?

          1. Cacciatore

            Uphill both ways, ten miles in the snow?

          2. peachy rex

            Wearing frying pans tied on with twine because you couldn’t afford shoes?

          3. Cacciatore

            And when you got in trouble you had to cut your own switch! If it didn’t last ten licks, you had to cut another!

          4. Yes, I’ve cut a few switches in my time.

    3. Gustave Lytton

      Remind me again, were you in a program already, or planning to?

      1. Vacuous

        I finish my Master’s in math in May. I’m deciding not to apply to the PhD program.

  32. Derpetologist

    Yet another Babylon Bee imitation

    ***

    Chik-Fil-A Hopes to Boost Sales With New “Hail Satan” Slogan

    ATLANTA – The fast food giant is retiring its trademark “my pleasure” slogan in a bold gambit to attract new customers. According to 31-year old director of marketing Joanna Gambolputty: “What consumers crave most is diversity and inclusion. By reaching out to a tiny, hated segment of the population which is also totally antithetical to our brand, we are sure to boost sales with new demographics while at the same time retaining our conservative, Christian, customer base.”

    It’s a bold move, but business expert Scott Cotton thinks it might pay off: “Businesses stagnate for a variety of reasons, but often what happens is the consumers get tired of what is old and predictable and start craving something fresh and exciting. Witness how Coca-Cola reinvented itself in the 1980s. No one even remembers the old Coke.”

    The familiar Chik-Fil-A cows who encouraged us to “EAT MORE CHIKIN” will be replaced with a trio of demons who will playfully “deface” billboards with statements like “HAIL SATAN” and “GOD IS DEAD”. Other changes include a new logo with a severed chicken head on a pitchfork paired with a pentagram and upside-down cross.

    The new uniform will consist of a red jumpsuit, a head band with horns, and shoes designed to look like hooves.

    ***

    1. Gustave Lytton

      It’s a bold move, but business expert Scott Cotton

      Hah!

    2. Your tone is pretty close. Maybe just a bit harsher than I’d expect from the real deal, but Id have believed itif you tried to pass it off as the real deal.

      1. Vacuous

        Now if we could get him to team up with CPRM to photoshop.

    3. Cacciatore

      Keep em coming!!! I’m gasping for air!!!!!!!

  33. MikeS

    The alt text was bitchin’. And by bitchin’, mean…

  34. Deplorableme

    So, my daughter in the last week or so has “discovered” Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. She’s playing “The Great Gig in the Sky” on Piano now and doing a good job with it. Brings a tear to my eye. Makes it all worth while spending all that $$$ on years of lessons. Did the same for my son, but music was never his thing and he never caught on.

    1. KSuellington

      Nice! Great gift to give your kids, glad you get to listen to the results of that. ?

      1. Deplorableme

        That was a good video, dark but good.

    2. Deplorableme

      So, I told my kids about their aunt dying today (my sister). My daughter being particular emotionally sensitive took it hard,even though it was expected (terminal cancer). Listening to her play, I looked up the meaning of the song via youtube, and discovered that some consider it to be the process of ongoing life coming to and end. Quite meaningful for today.

      1. Festus

        That video gutted me.

  35. Gustave Lytton

    https://www.oregonlive.com/crime/2019/12/et-star-henry-thomas-fudged-sobriety-tests-threatened-officer-after-found-passed-out-in-car-records-show.html

    Never would have guessed after the stories in the 80’s and 90’s that Drew Barrymore would be the functional one.

    1. Rhywun

      I have never seen one minute of ET.

      *proud*

      1. Gustave Lytton

        *hands pack of Reese’s Pieces to rhywun*

        1. Rhywun

          I wouldn’t touch those things because of that stupid movie. I think the first time was in the aughts – they’re actually pretty good 🙂

          1. KSuellington

            Phone home Rhy.

    1. westernsloper

      Several of the gatherings were organized by the Sunrise Movement,….

      Aaaaah, the original writers of the Green New Deal.

      1. Rhywun

        Yup. This whole thing is a commie front. With full support from their teachers, no doubt.

        Disgusting.

    2. Festus

      so many ugly girls

      1. Chafed

        You really are feeling better.

        1. Festus

          Yep.

    3. KSuellington

      Here in Sf, we are getting pissed on with cold rain, that will move east and be snow in the Sierra Nevada soon after. Wonderful white skiable snow, I can’t wait to hit it. I was told it would be gone by now.

      1. Chafed

        I thought everyone in SF liked getting pissed on.

        1. KSuellington

          I like getting pissed and listening to old recordings. I get pissed at the state of my city. I’ve never been pissed on, at least purposely. I have pissed into the wind.

    4. Tejicano

      DAFUQ? I live on an island and my home is maybe about 5 miles (horizontally, not vertically) from sea level. How come the sea isn’t rising on this side of the Pacific? Is climate change/disaster/crisis racist against yellow people?

  36. Festus

    Snowing. Do I clear it while it’s still coming down or do I wait. Wifey just said that she’s unhappy about my beerage. It’ll wait.

    1. KSuellington

      How old are you in beerage?

      I feel wizened, with a long, flowing white beard in such.

      1. Festus

        55 next week my good man!

        1. KSuellington

          Check your beerage Festus. That’s just your white suds talking.

          1. Festus

            Nah, she just pissed in my corn flakes a little. The chore will be done.

          2. KSuellington

            I think you invented a word. It has been used before, but in a very different way. I like it.

        2. Tundra

          52.

          Why in the hell would you start before it’s done shitting on you?

          And your wife, while a lovely person, is flat out wrong.

          1. Festus

            Tundra gets it.

  37. BakedPenguin

    I have never seen one minute of ET.

    *proud*

    Second Rhywun on this. Never saw it. Probably never will, certainly at this point.

    Anyway, the Genesis music selection this morning got me to listen to what I consider their greatest song.

    1. Festus

      I too have never seen that flick. Proper Genesis are the albums predating Duke.

      1. Rhywun

        OK, boomer.

        /80s child

        1. Festus

          Fuck that! You’re “babysitting age” to me. *humphs* Not that old!

    2. Rhywun

      I love that song.

    3. KSuellington

      You know there was kind of something weird about the distribution of that movie. It came out in the theatre in the early 80’s and I saw it then. I enjoyed it as a kid and liked the weird cute alien, but it wasn’t a favorite movie of mine then. It’s an odd early 80’s flick. There is a good libertarian message of the government being evil, incompetent fucks, that even at a very young age resonated. It seemed like it never made it to video when the VHS craze started. It’s an uneven movie overall. I have no plans to show it to my young kids.

    4. BakedPenguin

      Apologies for the poorly written first line: I will never watch ET unless I get grandchildren who want to see it, I guess is the way to put it.

      Festus, good to hear things seem to be better. But progressive music (e.g., early Genesis) deserves as much attention as progressive politics. If you disagree, I’ll see if I can dig up my old Yes and ELP albums. You can have them. (I will keep the Jethro Tull ones though; they actually had some good songs.)

      Rhywun, you generally have good taste, but that’s known. Even if you’re wrong about your EPL/AFL choices.

      Tundra, you dropped gloves last night. Not gonna forget that, even if you did post a GBV song I’d never heard before. I’m originally from New England, bro. We can figure a peaceful way out, or one of us will wind up looking like a 1970’s Red Wing player.

      1. Rhywun

        I love early Yes. Never got into early Genesis for some reason. *shrug*

      2. Tundra

        Ahem.

        I believe the gloves were dropped reluctantly.

        And besides, we hijacked the living shit out of that post!

        So that counts for something!

        1. BakedPenguin

          Ok, you’re right, it’s past overtime. Also, that GBV song (Everywhere by Helicopter) is great. Can’t believe I hadn’t heard it previously (or didn’t remember). I sent it to my brother,and his reply was similar to a Glib: ‘Good song, Pinochet was right.’

          or close to that.

          And yeah, we hijacked the post.

          Shit. I thought I had a point when I started writing…

    5. I saw ET, at my aunt’s insistence.

      I thought it was gross and awful and ugly.

      1. Chafed

        You are my kind of woman.

  38. Tundra

    I miss the yeti.

    1. PudPaisley

      Hey Tundra, I plan to catch a couple bands at The Cabooze on Wednesday, December 18th. One is blues / soul / Americana and the other is rocked up outlaw country. Any interest in meeting up that night? Only thing that might stop me from coming is snow, meaning I’ll have to work.

      1. Tundra

        Shoot me an email at minnetundra at the geemail.

        1. PudPaisley

          Sure thing. Probably be later this weekend or early next week. Heading to bed right now.

          1. Tundra

            Roger that.

    2. Festus

      Hey Tundra, I know that you dig April Wine (I do too) but they are headlining next year’s Dino-fest. The local big brew does a Can-con circle jerk every summer. Last year it was Loverboy.

      1. Chafed

        Troll level +1

      2. MikeS

        Gah! It’s like being Rick Rolled!

    1. This was in my sidebar (not Christmas): https://youtu.be/4zRwze8_SGk

      1. KSuellington

        Here you go Mo, listen to it now or later, it’s a 30 minute show of some of the best Brazilian 70’s music that I know. This is the good stuff.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bcj_FRQdbAE

        1. Very nice, thanks!

        2. So, this was in that sidebar: https://youtu.be/ckmcdcQ2mEg

  39. Tejicano

    I just now cleared my work for the day and everybody here seems to have cleared out.

    1. Chafed

      What am I, chopped liver?

      1. Rhywun

        I’m about to pass out FWIW.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          I’m waiting for the dryer to finish.

  40. BakedPenguin

    Eh, fuck it… it’s late – have some Riot

    80’s metal, but good 80’s metal.

      1. BakedPenguin

        A Holland/Dozier/Holland song isn’t surprising as a soul song (although I have little to complain about considering the basic nature of the song I linked.)

        Here’s a compromise.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          Classics IV always seems to me to be an album, not a group.

        2. It’s not a surprise until you add Frank DeVol.

  41. Mulling over my middle-aged frumpy housewife vampire story. Still a cool concept; still don’t know what I want to do with it. Like, she can’t go out in the sunlight. She’s fucking DISABLED!

    ADA provisions for vampires?

    1. Gustave Lytton

      Housewife by day, bloodsucker by night.

      The Transylvanian version of this

      https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d5/Angelmovie1984.png

      1. She manages okay while her kids are growing and she has her husband, but then he dies (as mortals are wont to do) and then her children do. Everything was manageable that way. Husband dies, kids die, she has no friends … Even if she did, she would be at their funerals too.

        I was going along great guns until she says, “I found my purpose. Dammit.” That was where I stopped to go do vaguely Mom-type activities and now I can’t remember what it was.

        I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!

        1. Her purpose is to turn Alex Trebek into a vampire so he can host Jeopardy! in perpetuity.

          1. JD is Unemployed

            I’m down for that. I honestly can’t imagine it being hosted by anyone else and I’m worried they’ll one day give the job to one of the late night snarkies or, more likely, a failed stand up comedian who has built a young career on “ORANGE MAN BAD! YOU LAUGH NOW!”, which would suck.

          2. Monday starts Vanna White’s stint hosting Wheel of Fortune while Pat is recovering from emergency intestinal surgery.

            Dan Patrick hosted Sports Jeopardy, but I don’t know that he’s interested in doing the regular show.

    2. Tejicano

      What is her family situation? I assume they know?

      If she was a Japanese housewife with a husband whose commute was 2 or 3 hours he might never be home during the daytime and not notice that she never goes out. Husband could be one of those who only gets Sunday off – and spends most of that sleeping.

      1. No, she has to tell him and the kids to make sure the kids get to their activities. She had to prove it by going out into the sun and bursting into flames.

        She went to a doctor to get labeled as disabled, but she pretended to be poor so no doctors would want to mess with her more than absolutely necessary.

        She also apologizes profusely for not dying so he could collect the life insurance. She did beg her maker to kill her, but she didn’t.

        (I’ve written MAYBE 5,000 words on this, so I am thinking out loud here.)