Category: Entertainment

The episode begins with Macy in the bathtub. So, you know, if that’s your thing, we’re starting out strong this week. She’s listening to classical music with her earbuds in, bubbles strategically covering the parts that matter, some kind of moisturizing mask on her face (look, I know I’m a girl, but I have never used one of those in my life and honestly have no clue how they work). Behind the shower curtain, a shadow appears. It’s definitely a man, and he definitely looks like he’s holding a machete.

Macy’s eyes open, and she sees the shadow, screams, and hurls the silhouette away along with the shower curtain, which tangles the figure up. The shadow yells and yeah it’s Harry.

WHAT?

• Why is Harry in their house at 1:00 a.m.?
• Why is Macy taking a bath at 1:00 a.m.?* I’m a night owl but that’s late for even me.
• Why is Harry, even if he’s staying in their house, going in the bathroom when Macy’s in there taking a bath?
• Why does Harry need to use the bathroom at all? I thought he was dead? He’s apparently the type of ghost that can be seen, can interact with ordinary humans and hold tenured faculty positions, can eat and drink, and apparently sleeps and uses the bathroom. Are we sure he’s dead? Is there a purpose to him being dead? Because it makes no sense whatsoever.

* Answer: “1:00 a.m. baths are my safe space.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)

Maggie comes running out of her room wanting to know what’s going on at one in the freaking morning. Macy is apologizing to Harry, who has done nothing to deserve this apology because YOU DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM WHEN SOMEONE IS TAKING A BATH UNLESS YOU’RE OF THE SAME GENDER AND RELATED TO THEM BY BLOOD, okay? You’re a dude—if you need to pee, there are plenty of alternatives for you that are much easier for you than they would be for a dudette. At the very least, you knock and ask if you can come in, you don’t just stroll in. Honestly.

Anyway, what was the purpose of this? Fan service + exposition, that’s what. Harry tersely reminds them that while the Elders are… something… he has to stay with them… because reasons. So now he’s living in their attic, I guess. The Elders apparently have the Book of Shadows…? There’s not more than one copy…? So I guess Harry has to live there when the Book of Shadows… I have no fucking clue, guys. Anyway, he’s mad because HE wanted to take a 1:00 a.m. bath, goddammit.

This… scene, if we can call it that, is interrupted by Mel staggering in yelling at them all to shut up because she has to get up early tomorrow to go to detective partner’s funeral. I still can’t believe they copped (??) out and killed him like that.

At the funeral, Niko recaps what we “learned” about him in the last episode, Mel tells her not to keep replaying it because she’s sick of hearing it it will only make her feel worse, and they make a date for dinner that evening. They leave the graveside only for a young man to approach the grave as they depart. He’s holding flowers in his hand. He’s probably detective partner’s gay lover. Hilltowne, Michigan apparently has a high percentage of F.O.D.s.

Just kidding. He’s a demon. His eyes glow and he turns into smoke and disappears into the freshly tilled earth. Guess we haven’t seen the last of detective partner after all!

Over at the Generic Science Lab, Macy is preparing to give a presentation. Some guy comes in, shaking her hand and addressing her as “Dr. Vaughn”. Oh, so she’s a doctor. She said she was 28, right?

Mm-kay. Well, I guess she wasn’t busy getting laid during that time, so she had a lot of time on her hands.

Anyway, this guy turns out the be the CEO of Morningstar Biotech. He also… possibly is the guy who took the paint can from Charity in the last episode? I dunno, white guys all look alike. Regardless, I don’t trust him. But his company has done a lot of things with epigenetics, whatever that is, and he’s looking to bring Macy into his fold because she’s such a prodigy and all.

While Macy stands there with her jaw dropped at this proposition, a sassy Gaysian who I guess has worked there all along but I’ve never seen him before appears behind her and tells her she better not blow it. Macy asks where Friendzone is as they were supposed to prep their presentation together beforehand. Gaysian is like, “Girlfriend, haven’t you heard the news? He’s been sucked into the Summer Sex Craze!” It may be November, but Friendzone has picked up a BBW named Summer in the time since the last episode. Wait, does BBW stand for Beautiful Black Woman or Big Beautiful Woman? Regardless, Summer is both (if by big you mean tall, because she’s pretty svelte), and Friendzone can’t keep his tongue out of her mouth, even in the Generic Science Lab. Macy is unhappy about this development. Did you lose your virginity to him, Macy? That was never really made clear.

Meanwhile, Niko had an appointment with an FBI agent to discuss what she knew about detective partner, which apparently wasn’t much. The agent gives her his card as she leaves, and as she walks away, he turns to face the camera—HE’S THE DEMON FROM THE CEMETERY! I’D RECOGNIZE THAT WHITE NATIONALIST HAIRCUT ANYWHERE! So, what, is everyone a demon in this episode? Because, frankly, I’d be surprised if Friendzone’s new BBW isn’t a demon. This show isn’t known for its nuanced writing.

At some coffee cart somewhere (on campus…?), Maggie has met up with Regina George. You know something’s wrong because Regina has her hair up in a bun and is only wearing a normal human amount of makeup, and thus looks like a regular person instead of a Stepford Wife. Over pumpkin spiced lattes, Regina informs Maggie that Connerparkerdude has dumped her. Maggie is appropriately sympathetic until Regina states that she knows he must have been cheating on her, because there’s no reason he would have dumped someone as perfect as her if he wasn’t cheating, and she’s going to get vengeance by finding out just who the trollop is.

This seems psychotic but okay.

She enlists Maggie to be the one to do her snooping for her so that she can keep her hands clean. What? Are we in the mob now? She then pulls Maggie into a hug, and Maggie reads her mind to hear her thinking, “Thank God I have Maggie, she’s the only one I trust.”

What a great Kappa sister Maggie is going to make!

Back at the house, Mel and Niko are having dinner, but Niko is too upset to eat. She tells Mel that there’s something she needs to know about detective partner: Just before he died, he told Niko that he’d found a connection between Mel’s mother’s death and the deaths of two other women, one in Santa Fe and one in New Orleans. Presumably these two women were also Elders. I guess they don’t all live in Hilltowne. But Charity was able to apparate into the warehouse when Maggie summoned her, so this doesn’t explain why they keep being so unavailable when the girls need them. Anyway, detective partner had pulled the files on all three of those cases (why the Hilltowne PD would have files on cases in New Orleans and Santa Fe is beyond me), and now no one can find them. Niko is starting to wonder if those three deaths may have been murders, and detective partner stumbled across Something Sinister in his investigation that led to him being murdered himself and then framed for the Halloween deaths.

Mel: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Mel tells her that she thinks she needs to let it go. Niko presses, saying that she knows Mel always believed that her mother’s death wasn’t accidental, and doesn’t she want the truth? I honestly thought that Mel was going to miss the obvious lie here, which would be: If your partner was killed for this, that means you might be in danger, too. But she actually did finally say this, after first trying and failing to play it off like she didn’t care about her mother’s death anymore. Niko grumbles but sits back down. You know she’s not going to let this go, even though Mel is technically right—if it really was a murder and frame-up job, that would be very dangerous for Niko, too. But you know. Whatever.

Outside detective partner’s home, FBI Agent Demon Guy is on the phone with Epigenetics Demon Guy (I was right, he was the one who took the paint can from Charity last episode). He tells him that he searched the apartment but couldn’t find the DNA vials. What? He also tells him that he defiled the grave (eww), so now he can take the detective’s shape. So I guess he won’t be reanimating his corpse. They have some banter. I have no clue what’s going on.

Maggie comes home carrying some extremely large Sponsor bags and busts Macy Facebook stalking Friendzone and his new BBW. Macy says she doesn’t want to talk about it, so Maggie just feels her up in order to read her mind, as you do. Maggie then says that since she doesn’t need to do her Stalking Homework for Regina George, being as she already knows the harlot who came between her and Connerparkerdude was herself, she’s only too happy to help Macy with her stalking. They login to Maggie’s fake stalking account across all social media platform, Mariah Aguilera.

Is this what people do? Is this why I don’t get along with other humans and live alone in the woods in a hut that stands on chicken legs?

Now Mel and Niko are on the phone. Niko says she appreciates that Mel is worried for her safety, but safety be damned. Mel suggests they take a weekend off and go somewhere quiet to forget about all this. This suggestion jogs Niko’s memory and reminds her that detective partner had a fishing cabin nearby, and this may be where the evidence is hidden. She hangs up on Mel and runs off.

Honestly, at this point, now I’m worrying about her safety. Especially since, as she drives away, she’s followed by FBI Agent Demon Guy.

Back at the house, Maggie is fuh-REAKING out as she sees how perfect and flawless Friendzone’s BBW is turning out to be. She’s an Ivy League-educated sports journalist (wtf) and her podcast was just picked up by NPR. Her social media is filled with bikini pics, as Ivy League-educated sports journalists are known to do. “She’s so perfect, it’s… creepy! Seemingly ageless, hypnotic pull on men, like, a billion accolades, and impeccable nails? She can’t be human.”

Okay, now I’m thinking she’s not really a demon and this is a red herring meant to trick us into thinking she’s a succubus or something when, in reality, she’s just perfect. Because even this show can’t be that obvious, right? Right??

Macy says she refuses to participate in the demonization of another woman. There we go, I wondered where the feminism went this episode. Maggie counters that it’s not demonization if she’s an actual demon. She calls Harry to ask for his feedback. Instead of apparating in, he comes running in with no pants on and carrying an iron.

Sigh.

Harry tells Maggie that her language is problematic (Real Dialogue Alert: that was the real dialogue), but that it’s possible BBW could indeed be a succubus. He also looks at BBW’s photo and says, “My word. She’s supposed to be hot?”

Is that… is that racist?

The three of them decide to investigate. Harry informs them that succubi have wings and tails, but that they disguise these with magic. However, they typically flaunt their true forms with subtle markers such as tattoos or birthmarks in the place where the wings and tail would be. This has no potential to backfire on them, as wings are defintiely not one of the most common tattoos acquired by basic bitches. Maggie and Macy decide to investigate further at the Generic Science Lab’s cocktail party tonight, at which they’re celebrating Epigenetics Demon Guy’s generous and not-at-all-suspicious grant. Harry says he will ask the Elders to send him a succubus banishing spell from the Book of Shadows that they have for some reason, and he’ll text it to them. Cheerio!

Real Dialogue Alert: That was—

Meanwhile, at Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss, Niko has Discovered something. Her partner’s fishing cabin was… honestly a little psychotic. He had a big old pinboard with a shit ton of evidence on it, which seems really inappropriate. Should you be doing stuff like that at a remote fishing cabin instead of, you know, at the police department? On the desk beneath the pinboard is a bag that looks like it’s got a poop sample test in it. I guess this is the “DNA evidence.” Seriously?

Niko grabs the vials and starts photographing the evidence board with her phone. In the midst of this, she’s interrupted by… her dead partner’s reanimated corpse! Or I guess just the FBI Agent Demon Guy masquerading as him. He tells her that he can’t explain right now, but he needs the vials. She just hands them over, of course. He asks her what else she saw. “Everything,” she replies.

Bye, Niko!

The demon punches her in the face, sending her flying against the pinboard and knocking her out cold. He then pulls out a Molotov cocktail and lights that bitch up. The cabin is quickly engulfed in green CGI flames, because why use practical effects when we can just use digital?

Fortunately for Niko, Mel has decided if there’s only going to be one episode this season in which she isn’t a useless bitch, it’s going to be today! Since Niko had blurted out that she was going to her partner’s cabin and its location, Mel was able to track her down and pulls up just in time to find the cabin ablaze. She tries to freeze time, but her powers won’t work on the demon flames. She finds Niko unconscious in the back of the cabin. Unfortunately, they don’t both burn to a crisp here. Mel manages to wake Niko up and the two stagger out of the cabin just before the roof caves in.

Back in Hilltowne, Macy and Maggie have arrived at the Generic Science Lab’s cocktail party, which is… a bar. Did I miss something? Did the definition of the phrase “cocktail party” change?

For some reason they let Maggie in, even though she’s repeatedly stated that she’s only a freshman. Oh, I know. She actually is 21—she failed kindergarten three times. That would explain everything.

Maggie, Macy, Friendzone and BBW make awkward conversation. BBW, feeling the awkward, excuses herself to the bar. Maggie runs off to join her, leaving Macy to… completely bite Friendzone’s head off for getting with another girl after she blew him off umpteen times. Friendzone irritably explains the definition of the words “friend zone” to her. She blinks blankly at him until Maggie and BBW return with beers. BBW rubs her scent all over Friendzone and they leave. Macy decrees that he’s not acting like himself—it’s definitely not like him to assert himself and not allow himself to be strung along any further by her. He must be succubused!

At the hospital, Mel and Harry, who is now clothed, are standing vigil over Niko. Mel tells him about the green flames she couldn’t freeze. Harry explains this is Hellfire, a type of “supernatural napalm” favored by demons. Mel also tells him that Niko says she saw detective partner; Harry recognizes that they must be dealing with a shapeshifter. Isn’t it nice that we’ve got him around to mansplain everything? Remember the old days of Non-Feminist Charmed, in which the sisters were on their own and had to figure everything out for themselves by sitting down and reading the Book of Shadows?

Harry has Mel forward herself the pictures Niko took on her phone and then delete them off Niko’s device, hoping that maybe when she wakes up she might not remember everything she saw and that this may protect her. Mel is worried the demon may still try to kill her. She asks Harry how they can protect her without telling her about their magic; Harry responds by yelling, “AS FOR YOUR ARGUMENT, I FAIL TO SEE HOW GANGSTA BITCH MUSIC VOL. 2 CAN BE CONSIDERED A RADICAL MANIFESTO!” Looks like Niko’s awake. Harry excuses himself, citing a “Women’s Studies emergency.”

Real Dialogue Alert: All of that was the real dialogue.

Back at the bar, Maggie comes out of the bathroom and runs into—literally—Connerparkerdude. She demands to know why he broke up with Regina George. He says, of course, that it’s because he likes Maggie better. He suggests that they give Regina some time to get over it. Maggie correctly points out that there is no amount of time long enough that would make it okay for her to then date her friend’s ex-boyfriend. I can’t even imagine a scenario in which this would work. Even if presumably Regina George is a senior (which she should be, being the president—usually these are elected in the spring and run a calendar year rather than an academic year, with the president being elected the spring of her junior year and finishing her term in the fall of her senior year—but since this is TV I bet that somehow it will come out that she’s supposed to be a freshman, too) and will be graduating soon, if you ever intend to talk to her after graduation that’s a no, and she’s sure to have friends in the sorority who will think you’re a skank and try to push you out even after she’s gone. Basically, girl, you need to choose. And remember: Sisters before misters.

Meanwhile, across the bar, Sassy Gaysian and his boyfriend are regaling Macy with Star Trek: Voyager lore while she attempts to stalk Friendzone and BBW. They’re making out behind the pool table and OH MY GOD HE HAS A SUCCUBUS MARK ON HIM! SERIOUSLY? SHE REALLY IS A SUCCUBUS. THIS SHOW REALLY IS THAT PREDICTABLE. IT DOESN’T EVEN TRY.

Macy runs to Maggie and tells her that BBW is actually a succubus and that they have to save Friendzone. Maggie asks if maybe she’s actually just misunderstood, or if maybe Macy is being melodramatic. See, BBW told Maggie that she liked her outfit. That’s all it takes.

Friendzone and BBW walk by, and Macy points out that BBW has a basic bitch tattoo: wings and a tail on her tailbone. Maggie proclaims that she always knew that tramp stamps were the work of the devil, and she’s back in the game. That’s all it takes.

Back at the hospital, Niko is asleep again and a nurse comes in, telling Mel that she needs to give Niko an injection. She’s holding a vial full of bright green liquid. Mel is supicious, glances out the window to the hallway and sees that same nurse outside folding hospital gowns. She freezes the demon, and then… instead of calling Harry to give her a sealing spell or something intelligent, she just SLOWLY WALKS OVER TO THE DEMON and sticks her face right up to the syringe and then TA-DA! The demon springs to life, grabbing her by the throat and lifting her up into the air. They struggle, Mel repeatedly freezing time and then losing her grip, and the demon almost makes it over to Niko with the goddamn syringe before Mel FINALLY calls Harry. He tackles the demon and eventually manages to stab it in the neck with its own poison. It turns into smoke and disappears into the air duct on the ceiling.

IT’S A GOOD THING WE’VE GOT MR. MAN HERE TO—

Niko is discharged and Mel brings her back to the sisters’ house. Mel wants to know why the demon is so focused on Niko instead of her, since she’s the Charmed One. Harry says that shapeshifter demons tend to be singular in nature and refuse to give up on a target once they’ve zeroed in on it, so for whatever reason, now that the demon is after Niko, it’s not going to give up until one of them is dead. Mel knows that even if they manage to kill this demon, Niko will still be at risk as long as she’s near Mel. She asks Harry if there’s a spell that could make it so Niko doesn’t remember they’ve ever met. Harry says there is, but tries to fob her off by reminding her that they don’t have the Book of Shadows for Some Reason. Mel asks him to ask the Elders if they can send her the spell.

Meanwhile, Maggie and Macy have tracked BBW back to her apartment. They knock on the door, BBW answers it, they cast the succubus binding spell on her and… nothing happens. So she’s not a succubus?

BBW, being kind and understanding as well as perfect, sympathetically tells Macy that she understands; she’s also done crazy things while drunk and jealous, and if Macy leaves right now she won’t tell Friendz—

Oh, Friendzone! What are you doing here, dressed in nothing but a towel? And will someone please explain to me what that glowing mark on his hip is if it’s not a succubus mark? Macy points it out to Maggie, but no one but Macy can see it, which makes Macy look even more drunk. BBW kindly informs Friendzone that she left her wallet at the bar and Macy and Maggie were just here to return it to her. The sisters leave with their tails between their legs.

When they get home, Mel has the Book of Shadows, which Harry has brought back from the Elders. What was the purpose of them taking it, again? She asks the others to help her perform a history rewriting spell, which requires the Power of Three. This will undo the past and make it so that Niko and Mel never met, which will further make it so Niko never transferred to Hilltowne from her old position in nearby Lakeville (such originally named cities), adding a further layer of protection. Only Macy, Mel, Maggie, and Harry will have any memory of how things were before. Maggie asks if this will undo detective partner’s death, or even go so far as undo their mother’s death since she was still alive at the time Niko and Mel met. Harry says no, the spell will only affect the living—death is the one thing that can’t be undone.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?? BUT DETECTIVE PARTNER IS ONLY DEAD **BECAUSE** NIKO WAS DATING MEL! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE KILLED HIM IN THIS REALITY IF HE WASN’T KILLED THE WAY HE WAS KILLED?

Harry tells them they need to be absolutely sure before they do this because the consequences can be extreme. Apparently his existence is due to some kind of similar spell, and because of it, he has no memory of his previous life. All he knows is that he died performing some sort of service of Good that the Elders saw fit to reward by turning him into a Whitelighter.

YOU JUST SAID DEATH CAN’T BE—

Harry tells Mel that the evidence Niko found will disappear off her phone after the spell is performed, so they need to analyze that evidence before they conduct the spell because they won’t be able to look at it again. He also tells her every physical trace of their relationship will be gone forever, so you can kiss that Cure album goodbye, bitch.

The girls set up the spell while hipster music wails. Mel goes down to say goodbye to Niko only to find her throwing her shoes on—gotta go back to the cabin with the chief and see if anything is salvageable, gotta solve this case, like a dog with a bone…

Mel has to freeze time in order to keep the maniac from running out the door and dying before they can cast the spell. She tries to say goodbye to her frozen form, but the spell kicks in first. Mel reaches out to kiss her, but she disintegrates into the sands of time and disappears first. This might actually have moved me IF THE EFFECTS WEREN’T SO GODDAMN SHITTY.

The next day, Maggie and Mel are stalking Niko on Facebook. She’s back to wearing the fake glasses she threw away in the second episode (I didn’t recap it, but while she was screaming about all the microaggressions in that episode she announced that her glasses were fake to make people take her seriously, and she stopped wearing them but I didn’t notice it until way later), but otherwise she seems happy. Macy decrees that she thinks it’s not worth it for witches to date. You would say that, now that you’re the one who’s been friendzoned.

Mel says that even if she can’t have Niko anymore, at least she’ll always have the memories. Harry, who has embraced his new role as butler and is cooking them all a full English breakfast, looks uncomfortable about this turn of phrase. Maggie feels bad and tells him that even though he can’t remember his own family, they’re happy to welcome him into their family. Harry tells her that she’s “such an American millennial.”

I honestly have no clue where he was going with that one.

The four of them discuss their next plan of action. Mel describes the evidence she saw, WHICH SHE APPARENTLY DIDN’T SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE (except possibly Harry) before sending it into the eternal oblivion. The three witches’ bodies all had similar branch-like bruising or some other kind of marking, which Mel asserts she’ll know if she sees again. But her sisters won’t, since the moron didn’t show them the pictures.

Harry tells Macy that the mark she saw on Friendzone, even if it wasn’t a succubus mark, is likely some kind of demon mark, and tells her that he can make a copy of it but she’ll need to get close to him to perform the spell. She does this by going over to his apartment, apologizing for being a diva, and then pulling him to an awkward hug. Mission accomplished.

Maggie, meanwhile, has to go meet with Regina George, with the intention of telling her the truth about Connerparkerdude. This goes about as well as you might expect. Honestly, Regina George has for the most part acted like a normal human being rather than a plastic cunt the last two episodes, so I was definitely on her side here. She gives Maggie the boot from Kappa, which, frankly, she had coming. HOS BEFORE BROS, HO.

Over at the campus, Mel is heading to teach her class, only to find someone else teaching it. Oh, right! The morning of her job interview, she slept through her alarm but Niko woke her up. Since she and Niko never dated, Niko wasn’t there to wake her up, which means Mel now doesn’t have a job. She had a job, I guess? I knew she was a grad student, so I’m guessing this was one of those classes they have grad students teach. But does that really count as a job? Or is she now no longer a grad student at all? I don’t know shit and I doubt the writer of this series does, either. Anyway, unintended consequences! Which apparently only affect Mel, since Friendzone and Regina George were completely unchanged!

At an undisclosed location, FBI Agent Demon Guy and Epigenetics Demon Guy are arguing because neither of them can remember what FBI Agent Demon Guy’s mission was, since Niko has basically disappeared off the timeline. FBI Agent Demon Guy calls Epigenetic Demon Guy “Dad.” Oh, okay. They finally agree that the Charmed Ones must have caused a temporal shift, and they’ll have to figure out another way to get the witch Elders’ DNA.

That’s what was in the poop vials? And detective partner managed to have that how? He managed to get that away from the Santa Fe PD and the New Orleans PD and/or the FBI how?

Epigenetics Demon Guy says that instead of Elder DNA, they should focus on Charmed One DNA instead. And he knows just how to get it… *zoom in on computer with Macy’s Generic Science Lab profile*

Overall thoughts: This one wasn’t too derpy. It was, of course, completely retarded and overflowing with logical errors. But at least (?) it wasn’t political. Not much feminism apart from that one scene where Macy said she didn’t want to demonize other women/Harry called Maggie problematic right before calling BBW ugly. Mel was actually pretty normal in this one rather than a raging cunt. I might have been moved by the scene where Niko was being written out of the tapestry of time if it weren’t for the GODAWFUL shitty 90s-tier CGI. Regina George was written pretty even-handedly, for Regina George. I mean, apart from that psychotic break where she wanted Maggie to investigate the trollop on her behalf so she could end her. But she actually did acknowledge her psychotic behavior in a fit of tears just before Maggie confessed the truth to her, so that warmed me to her.

They better bring the woke back next week or I’ll be out of a job!

It’s that time again! I hope you all have a drink ready. I am not drinking today, but that’s okay because I’m currently high on cold meds and not sure what’s happening around me anyway. This may explain why I have absolutely no clue what happens in this episode. Maybe it would make more sense to me if my brain wasn’t marinating in a bath of mucus. Or maybe if I was functioning this would be even worse. The choice is yours!

We begin with a flashback to Before. Before their mom died, Before their powers awakened, Before Angela Wu fell into a Mysterious Coma and emerged possessed by a demon that feeds on the blood of virgins. Angela has come to Woke Feminist Mom with a report that Professor Rapey McRaperton has done something naughty to her, and she would like to consequently destroy him. Woke Feminist Mom offers her some “medicinal” herbs in a mug and tells Angela that she has her full support. She warns Angela that Professor McRaperton will undoubtedly frame this as a witch hunt, because, quote, “That’s what scared men do.”

Angela is concerned about reporting anything because apparently Professor McRaperton is a world-famous geneticist whose discoveries have saved lives, which makes her feel as though she’s accusing Santa Claus of sexual harassment. (An odd comparison to make, since as I said before, McRaperton definitely resembled Jack Frost as portrayed by Martin Short, not Santa Claus. He was bony and angular, not jolly and round.) This left me with a lot of questions: McRaperton was shown to be a demon, not be possessed by one the way Maggie’s ex-boyfriend had been. So why would he be interested in doing Science that saves human lives rather than secretly unleashing plagues on the human population?

The flashback ends with Mel and Woke Feminist Mom assuring Angela that if she decides to take on McRaperton, they will be there for her and she won’t ever be alone. Now, in the present day, Angela has evolved into Samara Form and is screeching like a banshee while chained in the sisters’ attic. Mel ruminates that having her under guard 24/7 isn’t what she had in mind when she promised Angela she wouldn’t be alone. But, hey, at least you technically didn’t lie!

The sisters convene in the kitchen (excuse me, you’re not supposed to leave Demon Girl unsupervised? So unless Harry is up there, one of you should not be in this room) about how this babysitting assignment is seriously cramping their style. Mel says, completely straight-faced, “I blame the President.” [Side note: I am so used to this nonsense by now that I didn’t even register her saying this until the second time I watched it.] Maggie reveals that she’s failing her classes, to which Macy responds, “You’re taking classes?” Correct response, Macy. Maggie is offended by this flippancy, however — after all, if she fails she gets placed on academic probation, and if she’s on academic probation, she won’t be allowed to be in Kappa!

Macy decides she’s had enough, so she calls Harry. Oh, okay. So no one’s watching the demon, then. All right. Macy wants to know where the actual hell the Elders (Silence!) are. Harry tells her that they’re busy analyzing a 5000-year-old prophecy, as if this is something they can’t do; 1. After they’ve collected the demon and brought it to Witch Jail, or 2. In the attic while babysitting her themselves.

I don’t believe in the Elders at this point. I don’t believe they’re real. I think Harry made them up and hired Orson Welles to portray them as a red herring.

The doorbell rings, but it’s not the Elders — it’s Niko and her detective partner. They’re here as part of their ongoing investigation into the disappearance of Angela Wu following her emergence from her Mysterious Coma. The sisters scramble to get rid of them before they decide to investigate the attic and find Samangela waiting for them. Unfortunately, they are the worst liars in the goddamn universe, so all they manage to do is make the cops more suspicious. Luckily for the sisters, they are rescued in the nick of time by the absolute most insufferable blonde woman, who is pretending to be an interior designer there to help the sisters renovate their attic. The obvious lie here would be to say that they wanted to convert it to an apartment to take in renters for extra income since, you know, who’s paying their mortgage now that Mom and her tenured faculty position are gone? But of course they pretend that they just want to redecorate it in Minimalist Scandinavian Farmhouse style to use as a chic winter den, and Niko apparently buys this.

Once the cops are gone, the woman reveals that she’s one of the Elders, because of fucking course she is. Of course the Elders are a group of quirky middle-aged women in white sequined pantsuits who watch HGTV on the treadmill and don’t appreciate being called Elders because that implies they’re old. Also, in her spare time, when she’s not being queen of the witches, this woman (Charity — seriously, her name is Charity) isn’t actually an interior designer, but rather the CEO of an investment company that uses micro-loans to help women in developing nations start their own businesses, thus tackling poverty and inequality through ethical, female-focused capitalism.

Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.

Mel wants to get right down to business and asks how they go about saving Angela. Charity replies that Angela can’t be saved — she needs to be killed, tonight, during the full moon, using a set of ritual killing sticks sacred daggers that she pulls from her Prada handbag.

Mel and Maggie try to protest this in hushed whispers while Charity inspects the demon in this weird perky way that kind of looks like she’s frolicking around it. I really can’t emphasize enough how much this show is filmed like a cartoon. Harry isn’t interested in their arguments, however, because he’s too busy trying to impress Charity. I don’t know if he’s angling for a slot in the Elders or if he’s just a brownnoser, but this is also just too over the top. He explains to the girls that the Elders are like royalty and must be deferred to. Mel tells him to take his monarchist bullshit and shove it, and for once I actually agree with her.

Charity informs the sisters that there’s no time to waste — another Elder has been killed, the third since the girls’ mother. The sisters protest that Harry didn’t tell them she was an Elder, and Harry says he did during his speech in the first episode. I’m with Harry on this one: I remember him saying that. They say he wasn’t clear enough, but he definitely said that was the second part of the prophecy, remember? Step one: Trump, step two: senior witches killed, step three: apocalypse. However, when Harry tries to remind them of that, Charity mutes him. Now his mouth can move forever, but no voice will come. LOL, isn’t she the best? She knows when those menfolk need to just shut their traps. Don’t all wish we had that power, ladies? Turn that mansplaining right off.

With Harry now duly silenced, Mel argues that if Charity was friends with their mom, she’d know that she would never give up on saving Angela. Why can’t they do an exorcism? Charity explains that in order for an exorcism to work, there has to be a soul still in the body, but the Harbinger is so powerful that surely Angela’s soul must already be dead or evicted from the body or whatever. Macy finds this reasonable and agrees they need to kill Angela. Mel wants to do everything they can to try to save her. And thus the series formula continues. Is it Mel’s turn to be right this week?

Meanwhile, Niko and her detective partner are discussing the girls’ shitty lying during their interview. The partner indicates he thinks they were up to something because they were so jumpy. Niko brushes him off as absurd: “Mel gets nervous around cops — as plenty of people of color do. Plus, she hates guns.”

Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.

Once Niko has finished educating her partner on his white privilege, we find Maggie in class, where the professor is lecturing the students on the very first line of Dante’s Inferno seconds before dismissing them, as you do. Regina George is also in the class, but she doesn’t sit with Maggie. She sits with her boyfriend, Conner or Parker or whatever his name was. Somehow Maggie managed to make it as far as midterms without ever noticing this guy or that he’s dating Regina George, the sorority president she’s been stalking for three months. She gazes longingly at him while the professor reminds them all that their midterm is on Friday and is worth 50% of their class grade. (Holy shit? Does that make the midterm worth more than the final, or is the grade in their class literally only the midterm and the final, in which case how is she flunking?)

After the class, Regina George skips over to Maggie and starts acting uncharacteristically nice. If she was like this all the time, I would see why Maggie is so invested in joining her sorority. She makes chit-chat with her about class and homecoming like a normal human being, and then when Maggie says she can’t help with the Kappa homecoming float due to her need to study for the midterm or risk academic probation, she calls her boyfriend over and asks if he could tutor her, since he’s one of Those Guys who like to sit around reading classic literature and sipping coffee while dressed in all black. Connerparkerdude is all too happy to oblige, IYKWIMAITYD.

Over at the Generic Science Lab, Macy is looking through a microscope at… something… that moves and changes while she looks at it. I have no clue what it is or where she got it or what its relevance to the episode is. When she exclaims, however, Friendzone (who appears to be back in the Friendzone after last week’s potential deflowering) asks her what’s wrong, and she attempts to distract him with a thought experiment: If you had to kill one person in order to prevent an entire town from potentially dying, which would you choose? Ah, the old Life is Strange dilemma. To Macy, the choice is obvious: kill the cunt! However, Friendzone disagrees — she said POTENTIALLY dying, which means there’s a chance they won’t die, in which case she should do everything possible to save both the one person and the town, and Kobayashi Maru this shit! Macy is flabbergasted by his lack of scientific objectivity, but also attracted to his James T. Kirk-as-portrayed-by-Idris Elba (the way it was always meant to be) style of “never say die.”

Back at the house, Mel finds a spell in the Book of Shadows that lets her reveal the soul inside the Harbinger’s host. For a moment, the demon form peels away with a really bad CG effect. The inner Angela Banana inside the nasty old roten peel begs Mel to help her, before the Harbinger takes over again. Mel now knows that Angela’s soul is still trapped inside her body, and though the demon vows that she will never get her back, Mel is the brightest witch of her age, so…

Mel runs downstairs to where Charity is on the phone with one of her investors, admonishing them that her corporation isn’t just about the bottom line, it’s all about fostering a community of wamen supporting wamen. When she gets off the phone, Mel tells her about the spell she just performed which showed that Angela is still alive. Charity acquiesces that while she may have been wrong about the status of Angela’s soul, that doesn’t change the calculus: the ritual killing must proceed as planned.

Calculus…?

Mel tells her calculus (no, really, they said calculus) be damned, what happened to wamen supporting wamen? Charity tells her to fuck off and takes away her voice so that Mel can’t attempt an exorcism. She gives it back when Mel agrees to not perform the exorcism, though, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mel scrambles to rally her sisters to attempt the exorcism before the Elders can impose the ritual killing. She somehow manages to get Angela into the trunk of her car and goes to pick up Maggie, but before they can collect Macy, they notice Niko’s detective partner is tailing them. Mel decides to freeze time so they can escape, even though this will make it appear as though the car disappeared into thin air to the detective, because neither of them can think of a more suitable solution. Now detective partner is suspicious that Something Fishy is Going On.

Macy gets back to the house where she confers with Charity and Harry about the thing she saw at the lab, which I guess was the Harbinger’s murder spit or something. It apparently is similar in structure to smallpox, only much more dangerous because it kills instantly. Okay. She, Charity and Harry enter the attic with the ritual killing sticks, only to find Angela, Mel and Maggie gone. Maggie has brought them to a secret location, the place where the Kappa homecoming float is being constructed, and the two of them attempt to find an exorcism spell in the Book of Shadows. How they plan on making this work without Macy there to give them the Power of Three, I have no clue. Harry zips in, I guess having used his handy-dandy Witch Seeking powers, and Mel tells him about the revealing spell she performed which showed that Angela is still alive, trapped inside her own body. She also tells him that she blames herself for Angela’s situation because she talked Angela into reporting Professor McRaperton, the stress of which led to her OD’ing which is how she wound up in the Mysterious Coma.

Seriously? It wasn’t a mysterious coma, it was just a regular, drug-induced coma? That she fell into the night before testifying against Professor McRaperton? I thought we were going to get more plot intrigue than this, guys, come on.

Back at the house, Charity is telling Macy that her sisters are overly emotional, but that Macy, being a pure logical Vulcan, is a natural born leader — like her mother. Macy asks if her mother ever told Charity about her. Charity says no, but that many years ago her mother had asked Charity if she could perform a spell on her that would remove all of her pain and grief regarding a particular loss, and Charity believes that was the loss of Macy.

Up to this point, the discussion around Macy has been centered on, “Why would Mom give you up?” But literally no one has as of yet factored into the conversation the part where Macy had a dad — by all accounts her birth dad — who raised her and told her that her mother was dead. This screams “unamicable divorce” to me, but everyone keeps treating it as if Macy was put up for adoption. I don’t know why I’m still expecting this show to make any sense, but okay.

Speaking of not making sense, Macy excuses herself after this and somehow winds up over at the mystery location where Maggie and Mel are with Harry, Angela, and the Kappa homecoming float. She tells them she’s decided she wants to help, and she’s sorry she accused them of being overly emotional. She admits that she’s built up this logical Vulcan façade as a protection measure against… life or something, but I guess since it turns out that their mom had emotions, she can have emotions too. Or whatever.

As the sister join hands, the Book of Shadows opens to a previously hidden spell written specifically for the three of them in their mother’s handwriting. “It’s in Spanish,” Mel says.

“She wrote this spell for us,” Mel says. “But why?”

“So you three would find it,” says Harry.

Wat?

They get the items needed for the spell together, including an empty paint can to contain the Harbinger’s primordial form (it was either that or a crushed beer can). The only thing they need is antibacterial gloves from Macy’s lab in order to keep them from catching the supernatural smallpox. As Macy leaves to go get the gloves, Connerparkerdude shows up with a box of fireworks for the float. Maggie thought it would be a good idea to take Angela there to do the spell why? He tells her she’s smarter than she knows or some other such contrived bullshit designed to get into her pants. They start making out. What a great Kappa sister Maggie is going to make! What a great boyfriend Connerparkerdude is!

When she goes back inside, Angela has just finished breaking out of her chains and is preparing to eat Harry’s face. Maggie quickly summons Charity, who uses some kind of purple lightning whip to re-trap Angela. She attempts to hand the sisters their ritual killing sticks, admonishing them that as soon as the moon is completely risen, the Harbinger will be unstoppable. But the sisters, having plenty of time to waste on theatrics, solemnly shake their heads and refuse to take the daggers. Mel gives her a ham-fisted speech about “You knew our mom, trust her,” and Charity tearfully nods, dropping the daggers to the ground.

Thus ensues the most cornily filmed scene of this entire show (so far). Hipster music begins playing, the girls say the spell, Angela begins thrashing, all complete with weird close-ups and jerky camera and slooooowwwww motiooooooon to try to distract from the fact that the effects on this show are effing TERRIBLE. Maggie lays her hands on Angela and begins psychically telling her to come out and it’s just so freaking corny, guys. “I’m not strong enough!” “No, Angela, that’s not your story!” *gag*

In the midst of this, detective partner shows up, looks through the window, sees lightning and a tornado and a demon coming out of Angela Wu’s mouth and thinks that the correct solution is to burst in with his gun drawn. Charity uses her magic to make his gun disintegrate, and he watches the exorcism, jaw dropped. So I’m thinking, “Okay, the detective guy knows about magic now, this is an interesting twist! Will they wipe his memory? Will he continue to be a thorn in their side all season, gradually uncovering the existence of magic? Will he somehow have something to do with Niko eventually learning about Mel’s powers?”

LMAO no. Because the camera pans to Angela puking out the demon, and when that’s done, they pan back and SUDDENLY THE DETECTIVE IS DEAD. WHAT? There’s a lead pipe across his chest. When did this happen? How did this happen? What killed him? Did the pipe hit him in the head or something? Like in the wind? But when the shitty special effects were going, the wind literally looked like it was just blowing confetti around. There did not appear to be anything dangerous flying around!

Charity says she’ll handle it, and the girls flee. Later Charity meets Mel in the attic and informs her that she disposed of his body in a way that will remove suspicion from the girls. Mel blames herself, but not enough to be sad about it for more than 15 seconds. Charity sends her downstairs, where she bonds with Angela, who has no memory of anything that happened over the last week, but is confident that whatever happened to her (she thinks she just had random blackouts from the time she woke up from her coma until now), she got through it because of these awesome sisters. Also, she seems to have no trouble adjusting to the existence of Macy, who was not there the last time she was conscious.

Episode wrap-up: More hipster music wails, Harry complains about tea because BRITISH, Maggie waggles her eyebrows and insinuates that Harry and Charity have a Thang going on, Charity takes the paint can to the mysterious other Elders (Silence!) and warns that there will be consequences for violating their orders even though she told them it was okay, Connerparkerdude comes over for Maggie’s tutoring session and she sends him away because Their Love Is A Mistake That Must Not Be Repeated Even If It Means She Fails World Lit, the girls all congratulate themselves on being the Best Witches Ever and that Mom Would Be So Proud, Niko comes over weeping that her partner hanged himself after evidence linking him to the Halloween murders emerged and she’s so upset because she thought he was her friend and Mel just stands there like a statue not reacting at all while her poor girlfriend is sobbing her eyeballs out, fuck this stupid show.

The episode ends with Charity in some?? Building?? With fluorescent pink and blue lighting?? I have no clue what this building is supposed to be or why she’s there??? She’s on a cell phone prattling to some other witch about how amazing the Charmed Ones are, they’re basically the best witches ever, while cradling the paint can with the Harbinger in it. Why? WHY NOT?!?!?!?! Some dude gets on the elevator with her and is like, “Would you mind” — glowing eyeballs — “switching paint cans with me?” And her eyeballs glow too and she just hands him the paint can with the Harbinger in it and off he goes.

Fin.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW? WHO WROTE THIS? THIS READS LIKE THE SORT OF SHIT I WROTE IN MY COMPOSITION BOOK IN SEVENTH GRADE! NOTHING MAKES SENSE! THE WAY PEOPLE REACT IS NOT REALISTIC AT ALL!

If I was more lucid, I would have a better wrap-up for you that more thoroughly dissects the fact that, just as with all SJW media, the characters on this show don’t seem to really make mistakes or face consequences for their actions, and this whole program seems to be a vehicle for feminist wish fulfillment where everyone thinks you’re awesome and even if some things go a little wrong, at the end of the day, you’re basically the best. But I don’t feel well enough for that. So, see you next week, guys!

The episode begins with the three sisters training in some sort of magical VR arena, and completely sucking at it. Maggie keeps stopping to text Regina George instead of paying attention to what she’s doing, which keeps leading to her getting stabbed by sharp projectiles. Fortunately, even though this is a simulation, she appears to really feel pain, which is good, because Jesus Christ, woman. I managed to pledge a sorority without being glued to my phone. It’s not that hard, really.

And it’s not just Maggie who’s being a great big failure. Macy, who had already “mastered” her powers thirty seconds after receiving them in the first episode, due to her advanced intellect and all, has now completely unmastered them. Apparently she is psyching herself out by overthinking everything. When she tries to lob a lead pipe at the simulated demon and fails, Mel decides she’s had enough of her sisters’ incompetence and whips out some kind of spell that makes the demon explode in a bright ray of light.

Before anyone is able to react to what Mel has just done, Harry appears and blows a whistle, ending the simulation. Apparently the spell she used is a Big No-No. When she smugly points out that she managed to kill the demon single-handedly, Harry counters that using that spell could have also killed her sisters. HA! As if Mel gives a shit about that, Harry. Nice try.

Mel retorts, “I’m a witch, Harry” — HA! HARRY POTTER REFERENCE! TOTALLY RELATABLE, RIGHT — and that she’s going to be the best witch in the world, no matter how hard the patriarchy tries to stop her.

Harry then launches into a speech about how the Harbinger of Hell is going to destroy the world, and they roll their eyes and walk away from him because that’s, like, so boring. Mel decides that she’s had enough of words; it’s time for action! She’s going to have to track down the Harbinger herself.

And the Harbinger may be closer than we think! Because, as you’ll remember from the last episode, Mysterious Coma Girl is now out of her coma. And she’s out for blood! And not just any blood — she needs a special kind of blood. Which is why she is lurking outside an MRA’s dorm room right now. There are posters with words like “Men Unite!” printed on them hangning on the wall, and he is busy recording a podcast: “Radical feminists have criminalized masculinity. They call it toxic. Why? Because they want all the power for themselves! And believe me, they have power. Some of these witches have more power than—”

Real dialogue alert: That’s the real dialogue.

Alex Jones, Jr. is cut off here by ravenous fangs to the throat. Because the Harbinger can’t survive on any ol’ kind of blood. It needs virgin blood. And we all know that any person spewing that kind of wrongthink is obviously an incel!

Back at the sisters’ house, Mel is in the attic asking Magical Siri The Book of Shadows how she can find the Harbinger of Hell. She is interrupted, though, by Niko, who I guess Mel forgot was sleeping over that night. The scissoring must have been quite forgettable. Niko says that Mel wasn’t in bed when her alarm went off, so she went looking for her. Mel fobs her off with some gratuitous lesbian liplock. They then go downstairs, where Macy is making eggs for breakfast the magical way, which looks a little something like that scene in Sleeping Beauty where the fairies have to use magic to bake Briar Rose’s birthday cake because they’re too inept to cook like humans. Niko walks in, nearly catching the levitating eggs, but Macy quickly drops them all to the floor, so now she just looks like a clumsy moron.

Mel hastens Niko out the door, lamenting that she doesn’t like keeping secrets from her. But there’s no time for that — she discovered a spell that will lure all demons within a 26-mile radius to them, and all they have to do is sacrifice a goat. Macy is Not Down for that. She has a better idea. A Scientific idea: MORE BAKING SUPPLIES! The black blob, after all, contained sulfuric acid, and everyone knows what happens when you combine sulfuric acid and sugar! At this point I’m convinced that the target demographic for this show is third graders, which is why they’re including so much elementary school “science”.

This turns out to be perfect, because it’s Halloween. The girls decide to hand out candy to everyone they come across on campus and see if anyone has a reaction to it. Macy offers to bake cookies as well so that she can ensure the sugar ratio is precise. Maggie will not be participating in this, though, because she has to go to work. Apparently she has a job, which she is using to pay her exorbitant Kappa fees.

At the café where she works, we see an angry old white man yelling at her for being out of chicken sandwiches. She explains that the delivery truck broke down, but the man is having none of her excuses. Luckily for Maggie, a white knight swoops in to save her. He is a very ugly person that I am pretty positive is Chelsea’s ugly boyfriend from Days of Our Lives circa 2008, but my sister is insistent that this guy is even uglier and also too young. Days of Our Lives boy drives off the offending misogynist with quippy one-liners and Grey’s Anatomy references, leaving Maggie’s genitals tingling. I guess this guy is her love interest now? What was the point of the other guy, then…?

Also at the café are Regina George and the other Plastics, sipping mimosas and discussing the school’s fascist booze ban and how it should be rescinded now that Mysterious Coma Girl is awake. If only they could find an off-campus venue for their Halloween mixer, so that Gretchen can wear her slutty baby costume without inhibition!

Luckily for them, Maggie is all too willing to oblige. She offers her family home up to the Kappas as tribute in order to make them like her again. This will definitely go fine and not have any unintended consequences.

Meanwhile, on campus, Mel is handing out Macy’s cookies to anyone and everyone who passes her by, in regular, vegan, and gluten-free varieties. When a student walks into the classroom talking about Mysterious Coma Girl being out of her coma, Mel freezes time so she can grab his phone, which he had open to her Facebook page, so she can look at it for more information. Harry comes bursting in, telling her that she’s not supposed to be using her powers frivolously. This leaves me with a lot of questions: How big of a radius is her time-freezing? Does she freeze the whole world? When she freezes time, it has no effect on her sisters or on Harry. But what about everyone else? Does the whole planet freeze except for other witches, who then grind their teeth in aggravation when she’s freezing time every other minute?

Harry tells Mel he thought they agreed she wouldn’t use her magic so recklessly. Mel retorts that he mansplained to her that she shouldn’t use her magic, which she chose to ignore because she’s destined to be one of the greatest witches of all time and she needs to take some initiative. He tells her that if she’s not in the exact position she was in when she unfreezes time and someone notices she keeps moving irregularly and figures it out, it could cause a major issue in the magical world. She retorts that he’s being paranoid. Before he can keep arguing, she informs him that Mysterious Coma Girl has awakened from her coma, and she appears to have done so on the night they found the black ooze residue.

Harry: “She could be the Harbinger’s vessel!”

Mel: “Please do not take credit for my ideas, white man.”

Real dialogue alert: That’s the real dialogue.

Mel then informs him that since she has solved the mystery single-handedly, she will handle the demon single-handedly as well. Harry tells her this is a bad idea, she tells him to get fucked, so he places a bracelet on her wrist that will alert him every time she uses her magic so he can ensure that she’s not causing problems.

So… I guess… she doesn’t freeze the whole world? But just a radius of uncertain size. I feel like in the original Charmed there was an episode where Holly Marie Combs freezes the kitchen in her restaurant, but they show that people outside the kitchen aren’t affected. So I guess it’s something like that…?

Mel is enraged that he has slapped her with the equivalent of a patriarchal chastity belt, but as she is unable to do anything about it, there’s nothing to do but train her face back into its typical scowl and unfreeze time.

Over in the Generic Science Lab, Macy is watching Friendzone and some of their other coworkers goofing off in their Halloween costumes — a group DNA helix. The helix is missing cytosine, however, because the person who was supposed to be that called out sick. Friendzone asks Macy why she didn’t dress up, and when she says she was embarrassed, he makes her a cytosine sign, so that she can be part of their group.

SHE COMPLETES HIM! *gag*

He asks her out, she naturally rebuffs him and runs away. Outside, she calls Maggie and tells her what happened, which Maggie “Hilltowne Bicycle” Vera finds absurd. As they chat, Macy is stalked by Mysterious Coma Girl, aka the Virgin Vampire, but is saved by the distraction of a Christian Purity activist who will make a yummy snack, and then by the further distraction of Melanie “Demon Hunter” Vera waylaying her.

Mel and Mysterious Coma Girl/Virgin Vampire (known in her human form as Angela Wu) return to Angela’s dorm to catch up. Mel repeatedly offers her a cookie, baked from their mother’s secret recipe. Finally, Virgin Vampire realizes she’s not going to go away until she eats one. When she doesn’t explode or start coughing up blood, Mel determines that Angela can’t be the Harbinger’s host and leaves. Aha! But! As soon as she’s gone, Angela puts her arm… down her own throat… and pulls out the cookie… whole and unchewed. BUT I JUST SAW HER CHEWING IT! WHAT?

Once the cookie is disposed of, she goes to her mini fridge, where the MRA’s blood is neatly stored in water bottles, along with his head. You know. I guess in case she gets the munchies and wants his eyeballs for a snack.

Outside Angela’s dorm, Mel runs into Niko, who is checking up on the disappearance of MRA. She wants to know why Mel was visiting Angela, because at this point, due to Mel’s weird behavior of late, Niko has become convinced that Mel is running some kind of Nancy Drew investigation into her mom’s death, which had been ruled accidental by the Hilltowne PD. Mel assures her that she is not, and Niko says, “Then why do I get the feeling that you’re hiding something?” Mel freezes time so she can confess the truth to Niko’s frozen form. Harry gets a ping and comes zipping in to chew her out for using her powers frivolously again and reminds her that she’s not allowed to tell Niko she’s a witch, which makes the veins on Mel’s forehead start throbbing to the beat of “Closer” by Tegan and Sara.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Maggie is decorating for the mixer. It looks really cute, especially considering that the decorations were purchased on Halloween itself, when they should have been very difficult to come by. But Maggie is not satisfied. This will never impress Regina George. Because reasons…? It seriously looks cute. You’re not going to get better than this in terms of sorority party decor. Trust me. This is actually pretty impressive for a mixer where everyone’s sole focus is going to be getting as shitfaced as possible as quickly as possible. Nevertheless, Maggie decides the decor needs more oomph, so she starts digging through the Book of Shadows and comes across a glamour spell, which makes the decorations look… the same…? Maybe this is why I never made it anywhere in my sorority, since I can’t tell the difference between fancy decorations and regular decorations. Well, never made it anywhere beyond chapter vice-president and alumnae association president. Hmm.

Macy returns home with supplies to bake more cookies, but she’s starting to get fed up with having to stuff everyone she comes across with sugar and would like to fall back on Harry’s original plan for the Elders to be the ones to track the Harbinger. (They keep talking about the Elders, but at this point they have never appeared — are they in Hilltowne? Are they far away? Are they on another plane of existence? Are they even real at all? Does it turn out that, like Robin Masters, the Elders will be Harry all along? Regardless, whenever they talk about the Elders, my brain is like, “SILENCE!”) Mel, still pissed off at Harry about the chastity bracelet and the whole “You can never tell Niko you’re a witch” thing, screeches at her that the wamen don’t need a man for help, but Macy calls Harry anyway. Mel and Harry immediately start arguing, and when Macy asks what the deal is, Mel goes:

“Our Whitelighter, the head of the Women’s Studies Department, put a tracker on me to alert him when I use my magic because he’s threatened by the idea of a powerful woman.”

To which Harry responds:

“Now, hold on a minute. That last part is fake news.”

At which point my sister and I — she was watching this one with me for moral support — had to pause the episode so that we could howl like coyotes because are you kidding me? Why does Harry always get the stupidest lines? Answer: because he’s a penis.

In the midst of this witty repartee, Macy’s phone goes off. Friendzone texted her to say he’s looking forward to coming to her party that evening, and thanks for the invite. Macy realizes that Maggie must be up to something, and she flings open the front door to find…

…the house decorated, but not in an overtly supernatural way? I mean, there’s not candelabras hovering in midair or rooms that seem to expand in length as you stand in them. It’s just, you know. Heavily decorated.

Maggie descends down the stairs in a diaphanous purple prom dress, because I guess her Halloween costume is… prom dress? And informs her sisters that this is NOT a sorority thing, even though it looks that way; she was thinking that if they had a huge party that most of the campus attended and required everyone who enters to take a cookie, that it would be easier than chasing around all the undergrads on campus. Everyone, including Harry, grudgingly admits that this is a good idea, and it’s all systems go for the Halloween party.

During the party, Harry catches Maggie using the glamour spell and informs her that magic isn’t supposed to be used for personal gain. If she does it too often, it will throw the universe out of balance with dire consequences. Maggie naturally blows him off, because across the room she spots Macy in her costume.

SHE’S RUTH BADER GINSBURG!

Maggie has an absolute stroke and drags her sister upstairs to change her into something sexier. Macy is adamantly opposed to wearing anything that shows off too much skin. When Maggie demands to know what her problem is, the somber piano music starts playing. It’s time for a Serious Talk about Real Issues.

“When I was in ninth grade, my dad sent me to boarding school in Connecticut,” Macy tells Maggie. “In a class of a hundred kids, only two of us weren’t white. In that type of environment, you have to solidify what type of minority you were before they decided for you. So my friend Tasha became the sexy funny one, and I was always the smart serious one. I played that part for so long that I don’t know how to be anyone else.”

Actual footage of my sister and me here.

After we recover from this, Maggie informs Macy that she’s both serious and sexy, both smart and funny. Then she uses the glamour to turn Macy’s costume into a Greek goddess. After that spiel, I assumed that she was supposed to be Athena, goddess of wisdom. Then she comes downstairs and Friendzone surmises that she is Persephone, goddess of the underworld. I… okay? Friendzone, meanwhile, is dressed as James Bond, as portrayed by Idris Elba — the way it was always meant to be.

No, I’m not kidding around here. THIS IS THE REAL DIALOGUE. If there’s a message they want you to get, they will beat you over the head with a goddamn sledgehammer to ensure that you Get It, okay?

Friendzone asks her out, but before she can answer, Mel drags her away, screaming, “SISTER EMERGENCY!” Niko has been called away from the party to investigate the death of Purity Christian, and offhandedly mentioned to Mel on her way out the door that there had been three deaths on campus in the last twenty-four hours: MRA (I guess they found the rest of his body), Purity Christian, and a nun in the campus ministry. Mel has connected the dots and figured out that the Harbinger must be a Virgin Vampire. (Here is where she also spoon-feeds us the information that the MRA must have been an incel, even explaining what incel stands for, to ensure that YOU GET IT! YOU GOT THAT, RIGHT? GOT IT? OKAY? DID YOU UNDERSTAND? ARE WE CLEAR HERE? I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND THE JOKE—)

Fearing that there may be virgins present at the party, which is far too overcrowded for them to keep a good eye on, the sisters decide to place a protection ward around the house, which will keep the demon from entering the party. But as they split up to fetch the ingredients for the spell, Angela enters, dressed in a costume that Resembles-But-Is-Legally-Distinct-From Samara from The Ring. It is Too Late.

Harry and Mel scramble to get the exterior of the house prepped for the spell. As they do so, they bicker incessantly about wah wah chastity bracelet, wah wah you don’t understand me. Mel laments that it would be easier if she could tell Niko the truth about her magic, so that they could help each other with this whole Virgin Vampire thing. Harry says he’s sorry if he’s caused trouble between Mel and the woman she’s dating.

Mel is offended by his choice of words. “SHE’S MORE THAN THAT! I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND!!” She launches into a tirade that seems to start out as accusing Harry of being a homophobe, but then veers aburptly and morphs into, “I never had to be in the closet because my mom was the perfect tolerant hippie, but now by having to lie to my girlfriend, it’s like I’m in the closet.” She seems to be taking this as a sort of personal oppression that she is being forced through specifically because she’s a lesbian, despite the fact that her straight sisters are in the exact same boat.

Before Harry can respond, Maggie and Macy hurry out with the rest of the ingredients for the spell. They cast it… but it has no effect. You know what that means!

The sisters realize that the demon is already inside, and they’re going to have to lure it out. Macy has the perfect bait: how better to lure a Virgin Vampire than with… a virgin?!

Maggie: “OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS”

Macy leads her sisters into the Mysterious Woods, marking the trees with bloody handprints every few feet. As they go, they discuss this Shocking News that their 28-year-old sister is still a virgin. Mel chimes in that she had sex with a guy once, and that Macy isn’t missing much, conclusively proving once and for all that John Titor really is the writer of this show after all, and furthermore taking the “but does scissoring count” factor out of the discussion, thus rendering moot the necessity to explain Niko’s strap-on and which of them is the bottom in that situation.

Macy is understandably embarrassed, pointing out that part of the reason she doesn’t like to tell people she’s a virgin is because people react like this. Maggie and Mel are quick to defend themselves, with Mel asserting, “The concept of virginity is really just a tool of the patriarchy to control women’s sexuality.”

Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.

They await the demon in a clearing in the woods, where Harry informs them that they will only get one chance at this binding spell and they can’t afford any juvenile mistakes. Everyone looks at Maggie. But then… Samara Angela arrives! At this point the show abandons any and all attempts to make this Resemble-But-Be-Legally-Distinct-From, and goes full-blown Ringu. The jerky walk, the hair over the face, it’s all there.

After a brief moment of “WTF” from Mel at Angela having eaten the cookie but still being the Harbinger somehow, the sisters quickly begin their binding spell. Buuuut when it gets to be Maggie’s turn, she passes out, on account of all the glamouring spells she’d done throughout the evening. Harry yells for Macy to run, and Virgin Vampire goes tearing after her.

Maggie comes to, and after a brief chiding from Harry, she turns off all the glamours she’d activated throughout the night. She reverts from Prom Queen to Sweatpant Chic. In the woods, Macy has reverted to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, which actually is probably easier to run in than the Greek goddess costume, especially since she can yank the robe off and reveal sweats underneath as well. An adrenaline-filled chase scene ensues, and then… Maggie hits Angela over the head with a log and she and Macy start talking about their goddamn feelings. Which means that Angela comes to right as Mel bursts into the clearing and sees Angela preparing to sink her fangs into Macy from behind while Macy and Maggie prattle like bimbos. Mel immediately launches into the Big No-No spell from the beginning of the episode, which Harry said could kill anyone in the vicinity of the demon, including her sisters.

Which means…

Harry uses his healing powers, which brings Macy back to life. Mel apologizes and… Macy immediately forgives her. NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE? NO WORRIES! IT’S ALL GOOD, SIS.

Angela, meanwhile, was knocked unconscious but neither she nor the demon possessing her are dead. Harry says that the Elders (Silence!) will want to weigh in, and instructs the girls to go clear out the house while he binds the unconscious demon. In a moment of uncharacteristic humility, Mel apologizes to Harry and says he was right, she was being reckless with her powers. Harry, being a spineless, flaccid penis in this Woke Feminist Programme™, immediately tells her that there’s no need to apologize, because she was right — she managed to bring down an immensely powerful demon single-handedly, she was the first to suspect Angela Wu to begin with (since, you know, she was the first one of the four to learn that Angela was out of her Mysterious Coma, which wasn’t exactly rocket science, but don’t take credit for her ideas, white man), and basically she’s the brightest witch of her age.

So, you know. No damage to Mel’s ego there.

Harry also reveals that the reason he’s so hard on her is because he has a Tragic Past: The first witch he supervised when he became a Whitelighter was similarly stubborn to Mel. She revealed her powers to someone she believed she could trust, and that person squealed like a dirty rat. The woman was sent to an insane asylum, believed to have schizophrenia, and eventually committed suicide. Mel insists that Niko isn’t like that, and Harry says that after the issue with the Harbinger is resolved, he will petition the Elders (Silence!) for permission to tell Niko the truth. He also removes the chastity bracelet.

Meanwhile, Macy and Maggie are back at the house. Macy immediately throws herself on Friendzone and begs him to deflower her so she doesn’t have to go through a life-threatening experience like that again. Maggie, on the other hand, has to do damage control because the house reverted to its original state and somehow the party-goers were sober enough to notice, by far the most implausible aspect of this episode. Regina George is predictably bitchy about it, but Maggie makes up some excuse about how it was supposed to be Cinderella-themed and everything changed back into a pumpkin at midnight, which is also why she’s now scrubbed out in sweats and has a wart on her chin. Regina George is apparently at least drunk enough to buy that, and Maggie’s Kappa status is preserved for another day.

As they chat, Days of Our Lives boy from the beginning of the episode shows up. (There was another scene with him and Maggie earlier in the party but it’s boring so I didn’t recap it.) Regina George promptly begins rubbing her scent all over him and informs Maggie that this is Parker, her boyfriend.

DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNNNN

After Mel finishes hanging her costume up in her closet (gratuitous shot of her bedroom so you can see the giant Puerto Rican flag she has hanging on her wall), the three sisters meet Harry in the attic, where Virgin Vampire/Harbinger/Mysterious Coma Girl/Angela Wu/Whoever the Fuck She Is is chained up, shrieking like a banshee. Harry tells them that the Elders (Silence!) are coming, but that they may be a while, so in the meantime, it will be the girls’ responsibility to guard her.

(Seriously, who the hell are these Elders? Where are they? Harry can just apparate in and out at the drop of a hat. These people were supposed to be close enough that they were able to be searching for the Harbinger’s vessel, right? So where the hell are they? Why is it going to take them a few days to get here? Why do they think it’s acceptable to just leave the most powerful demon of the underworld chained in some 20-something-year-old girls’ attic, especially considering that these girls clearly have no clue what the fuck they’re doing? Remember the 90s, when shows started with relatively low stakes and then built up to the “save the world” shit for the season finale?)

The episode ends with this charming image:

And there you have it! Woke Charmed, episode 3. After somewhat of a respite last week, it was refreshing to return to being spoon-fed social justice. Women’s rights are human rights? Anti-feminists are all incels? Notorious RBG? We’ve got it all! This show is still relevant, goddammit!

I haven’t seen all of next week’s episode yet because it was so stupid it made cerebrospinal fluid start leaking from my sinuses. So you can bet it will be a doozy! See you all then!