Category: LifeSkills

Guns For The Country Home
Guns for The Country Home

Some time back I stumbled across an interesting discussion on the appropriate firearm for the farm or country home, much like the country home my folks maintained for many decades.

The Old Man was, of course, a farmer for much of his life, and an old school country gentleman. His attitude towards firearms reflected most of his type and his generation; firearms were tools essential to the maintenance and protection of homestead and crops, in the same order as a chainsaw, a scythe, or a tractor. They were selected and maintained as such, with strictly utilitarian considerations. Childhood in the Great Depression and young adulthood during WW2 made most of the Old Man’s generation practically minded people.

That being the case, the Old Man maintained three firearms on and about the place. They were a 12-gauge pump shotgun, a .22 rimfire rifle, and a .22 handgun. The shotgun was his first purchase with his demobilization pay when he returned from the Army in 1946, the .22 rifle was a third anniversary present from my mother in 1950, and the .22 pistol he bought for recreational shooting sometime in the mid-1960s. I still have all three firearms, and no amount of money could persuade me to part with them, so don’t ask. And, in what should come as a surprise to no one, these are the three types of guns I think are most useful around your typical country home.

If You Can Have Only One Gun

Winchester Model 12 and Stevens 520A.

Now, on to the country home: If a family can only maintain one firearm on a country homestead, one would be wise to pick up something along the lines of the Old Man’s first post-war purchase, a simple 12-gauge pump-action shotgun. The Old Man’s Stevens pump-gun hasn’t been manufactured for many years, although used examples are sometimes available at bargain prices. The old Stevens 520/620 series are great guns, John Browning designed take-down pump guns with solid steel receivers. They’re reliable and brutally tough, and if you can find them around, come pretty cheap.

The Mossberg 500 series or the Remington 870 are likewise solid guns that will give long service; my own pair of Mossbergs, a 12 and a 20, have been functioning flawlessly in the game fields for 35 and 40 years now. There are plenty of others on the market, but were I equipping an outpost myself, I’d probably go for a Mossberg or a Remington, for the primary reason that parts will be easy to find.

The advantages of the 12 gauge are many. Ammo is readily available anywhere and various loads/shot sizes can handle anything from garden pests to turkeys, while a slug will dispatch a deer or even a bear. Pump guns are solid, reliable and easy to operate. Most hold five or six rounds in the magazine, which should be enough ammo for most chores.

I’m a big fan of old shotguns, particularly the pre-64 Winchester Model 12 and the Belgian Browning Auto-5s. I have a fair stable of those pieces and over time will probably buy more. But these are collector’s pieces, and while I shoot them and hunt with them, I would not necessarily drag them through mud and bad weather. For that, a rougher piece is in order – a utility shotgun, suitable for the only gun on a country homestead.

Even though I will always love my old Brownings and Winchesters, I will always keep the old Mossbergs around as utility shotguns, especially after our move north. Of course, my attitudes towards firearms are somewhat different than the Old Man’s, and so the Mossbergs will still have plenty of company in the rack.

I’ve seen some great shooting done with simple 12-gauge pumps, too. Despite his utilitarian attitude towards shotguns, the Old Man was nevertheless as artist with his old Stevens. He was known to go 100 straight on the skeet range in his Army days, and he was highly skilled at making a shot charge arrive in the same location as a fleeing pheasant or grouse. In his early 80s he cut off the tip of his trigger finger in a jointer, and since that time firing a gun with any recoil caused a stab of pain through his shooting hand, but before moving to town he capped his hunting career in a blaze of glory by stalking and killing four wild turkeys with a bolt-action .410, causing our old friend Dave to comment, “if anyone but your Dad told me that, I’d call him a damned liar.” I was always disappointed by my failure to catch up to Dad on the trap range, although he would have admitted I was better than he with a rifle.

Which brings us to…

If You Can Have Only Two Guns

Mossberg 44US. Not the one I had but one just like it.

But let’s say you can have two guns around your place. I’d recommend the second be a .22 rifle.

Oddly enough, while my gun rack contains several .22LR semi-autos, if you were to keep a .22 rifle in a rural setting, I’d recommend a bolt gun. Why? Several reasons:
- Bolt guns are simple, they generally break down easily and are easy to clean and repair.
- Even in a .22LR, bolt guns are accurate. Not that semi-autos can’t be accurate – but bolt guns are generally a hair ahead.
- Simplicity leads to reliability. Fewer moving parts means less wear, although any well-maintained firearm should last a lifetime.
- Some semi-autos, like my own slicked-up Ruger 10/22, can be finicky about ammo. Bolt guns generally digest any ammo with aplomb, and generally give you the option to run quiet .22 Shorts if you are shooting at close quarters. A subsonic .22 Short round fired from a rifle isn’t much louder than a finger-snap, and that can come in downright handy.
The other advantage to a .22LR bolt gun is price. There are literally millions of inexpensive and yet reliable and accurate .22 bolt guns around. You don’t need high polish or fancy walnut for accuracy in a .22 (although those things sure are nice). Anyone who has handled an old Mossberg or Marlin bolt .22 should be able to attest to that. Back in the day I bought a Mossberg bolt-action .22 with US Government markings for the grand sum of ten dollars, and I could shoot pop-bottle caps off fence posts at 25 yards with it – with iron sights. That Mossberg today would cost you more than that, even adjusted for inflation, but not all that much more. In fact, the same gun without the US Government markings, for some reason, will cost you a lot less.

A lot of the comments above will apply to a lever gun as well, except that .22LR lever guns are generally pricier and more complicated to maintain.

If You Can Have Only Three Guns

For your third gun, I’d recommend a medium-to-major power handgun, one you can carry in a belt holster and shoot accurately. Anything from a 9mm auto to a .44 Magnum will work; it’s far more important that you can handle the sidearm well. Revolvers, though, are generally simpler, easier to maintain and less fussy about ammo than autos. Revolvers also have the capability of handling more powerful loads in a reasonably sized piece. Bear in mind that if you’re in a remote location, you may have to repair the thing yourself. Some of us are better tinkerers than others.

With the above in mind, though, take into consideration any possible uses you might be putting that sidearm to – caliber considerations in Georgia may be quite different than those in Alaska.

Most people find handguns more difficult to handle well than a rifle or shotgun, so be prepared to spend some money on practice ammo.

Parts Is Parts

In a rural home, it’s a good idea to keep some parts on hand. Firing pins, springs, screws and action pins, all good things to keep a supply of. You’ll also need tools, as gunsmithing tools are somewhat specialized; Brownell’s Basic Gunsmith Tool Kit contains a good assortment of tools, gauges and so on to keep your shooting irons shooting. Keep a good supply of cleaning solvents and lubricant on hand.

If your pump shotgun has a barrel that can be swapped out easily, as does the Remington 870 and the Mossberg 500, an extra barrel isn’t a bad idea. And speaking of barrels, while I’m fond of Briley choke tubes and run them on a lot of my shotguns, an ugly but solid Poly-Choke type collet choke may be a better idea for a country-homestead gun; you can lose choke tubes, but that Poly-Choke is there for keeps.

Last-Ditch

No, I’m not kidding.

If “prepping” is your thing, or you’re just very remote and are worried about supplies being hard to get, here’s something to think about: What would you do if cut off from a supply of ammo?

The answer may be to scale your technology back some – say, to about 1800. A smooth bore flintlock musket is versatile, will kill birds with shot or moose with round balls, and if you have bar lead, a mold, flint and a supply of sulfur you can make everything else you’ll need to keep shooting. Charcoal isn’t hard to come by, and if you have a latrine, you can make saltpeter. You’ll need a fair amount, as the recipe is generally 75% saltpeter, 15% charcoal and 10% sulfur.

That’s something to think about, anyway.

And So…

A country home requires a lot of tools to keep the place maintained, safe and tidy. Even if you’re not a hobby shooter or (like me) a collector, a firearm is one of those essential tools. Whether your immediate need is rabbit stew, pest control, dissuading something big and toothy or something two-legged and belligerent, sometimes a firearm is the only thing that will work.
August 5, 2019
A day at the park

In the summer of ’81, I was 15 years old. I wasn’t your average teen. I was a committed juvenile delinquent and drug “enthusiast,” with a somewhat troubled past. My parents were hippies who–like many counter culture rebels–became hard core drug addicts. They divorced during a state mandated custody battle. The cops seized my siblings and myself because my parents refused to snitch on their dealer, basically. I spent two years (’76-’77) with my grandmother, who was a vicious and mean, high-strung stress case with an extreme superiority complex. My Mom eventually regained custody of us and we returned to our outlaw life. After a few years, and developing a drug habit, I tired of the poverty and stress of it all. I was offered to return to my Grandma’s house and I accepted. I returned much more street smart and ready to party it up.

The San Fernando valley in the early eighties was a great place to party. Cruising Van Nuys Blvd (if you google “cruising Van Nuys Blvd” you can see what it was like) had been shut down about a year earlier and that scene had moved to a large park called Balboa Park. The lot would fill with cars, all of which would tune their radios to KMET, and a huge party would happen. Every once in awhile, the cops would drive through and everyone would hide their beers and what have you. It was a great scene.

My friends and I would buy six packs of Mickey’s big mouths and split them. You’d put one beer in each back pocket and drink the third. That way, if you had to run, you only lose one beer. We had a plan for everything. This informal gathering happened every Wednesday night, just like the Van Nuys Blvd scene it replaced. We had many memorable times there, and this story centers around the last one I had there, during the summer of ’81.

This photo was actually taken at Balboa Park on a Wednesday in 1981 or 1982 . Obviously it’s early in the day and things were just getting started.

I had a friend named Marvin. Marvin was far more criminally minded than I. He had been to juvie a few times and had a huge record. He’d dive right in to any criminally oriented situation with aplomb. He pushed me to expand my lack of respect for the law. I was positively small-time by comparison.

Marvin was very small. I was about 6” taller than him. I was kind of a protector of his. He’d get belligerent often and at ill-advised times, and I’d usually smooth things over with whomever wanted to kill him this time. Sometimes a fight would be unavoidable. Those times we’d just fight it out.

This particular Wednesday night was off to a good start when I ran into Marvin. I was already a little drunk, had my three Mickey’s big mouths and was raring to go. Marvin pulls out some ‘ludes and gives me two of them. I was starting to feel really good about things, a feeling later proven to be misguided. As we walked the rows of cars, talking to girls and checking out hot-rods, this big dude runs up and starts hassling Marvin. Here we go again.

I go to assess the situation. It seems that the ‘ludes Marvin had given me earlier had been fronted to him and he had no plan to pay for them. The big dude seemed very agitated and was demanding his 20 bucks. I sprang into negotiating mode and asked what he needed that we could maybe actually get for him. After some back and forth, we agreed that Marvin and I would go steal a car battery as payment. This seemed like an easy was to avoid violence, and we were sure it’d be quick and painless.

There was really only one option for stealing car batteries near this park, a row of apartment buildings across the street. We went to the first car, in the first space of the first building. It turned out to be a horrible choice. There was an overhead storage locker which covered the front half of the hood. I told Marvin to be the lookout, so he stood at the edge of the lot watching out. I had no tools, but I figured I could just wind the clamps off. The hood crashed loudly into the storage bin when opened. I got the negative cable off as planned, but the positive side would not budge more than a slight partial turn. Eventually, I decided to just yank it out and hope the inertia would pop it off. Drugs and booze famously spawn bad decisions. We had both the former and the latter.

Well, after one particularly loud crashing noise I see Marvin waving at me frantically. I start waving back to say, “I can’t help it,” but he responds as if to say, “NO, not that.” Then, he raises both his hands like a stick-up victim from the movies. I was perplexed until I saw the three people with guns pointed at him. They told me to come out with my hands up, so I did. They ushered us into one of the apartments and sat us on the couch inside. There were more armed residents inside and now we had about 6 guns pointed at us. I remember one of them looked like a flint lock taken from a plaque off the wall. Anyway, they held us until the cops arrived. I’m sure the proximity of the park caused them much concern, with all the partying and such, explaining the guns and quickness with which they used them.

The cops took us down to the station and handcuffed us to bench. After about an hour, Marvin’s Mom came and picked him up. I assumed my grandmother would come for me next. Well, an hour later, she still hadn’t come. Finally the cops came and told me that she had told them to keep me. I was going to be driven to Juvenile Hall. Whoo-hoo! After another hour on the bench, they walked me out to a waiting car and we were on our way.

Juvie was pretty much what I expected. It was a huge concrete building with only tiny windows way up high on one wall. It was three floors high and the lesser offenders like me were on the upper floor. That meant we could watch the traffic on the overpass through our window slits, if we stood up on our beds. The food was disgusting and the place was noisy and smelly and fucking cold all the time. We stayed in our cells almost all day. Ate in there and everything. There were some tables in the hall area outside the cells and we’d go out for about an hour every day. I spent about two months there going to trial and then waiting to get shipped out. I remember the radio played the Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty duet over and over because it had just came out. I will always connect that song to that place and time.

This is the actual juvenile hall I was in, as seen from one of the cars we would watch pass by.

Juvenile court is (or, at least, was…) unlike any other depiction or reality of court I had ever seen. As a minor, you have NO rights at all. There’s no concerns about proportionate punishments, rights to confront accusers, even the right to defend oneself. Marvin’s Mom had hired a lawyer for him and he (the lawyer) was the only one who spoke, other than the judge and, briefly, some kind of social worker/probation person, who made recommendations to the judge. Marvin’s lawyer gave a dissertation on what a good kid he was and how the only reason he was in trouble was because of my bad influence. I was steaming mad and kept raising my hand. The judge seemed irritated by me and kept waving me to shut up. After awhile he proclaimed that he had heard enough. Marvin was sentenced to house arrest and probation and I was sentenced to “suitable placement.” For how long, I had no idea. What suitable placement was, again, no clue. All I knew was I got jacked in that courtroom.

Well, one day they drove me out to my “suitable placement.” It was a large group of brick buildings arranged like a school, with a quad, dorms and a cafeteria. It was run by Catholic monks. Everyone was “Brother X, Brother Z,” etc. There weren’t any walls or fences, so escape was always an option. Only the knowledge that I would be hunted down kept me from just leaving, well, that and the constant reminders that the next place was gonna be much worse. There was a school adjacent to the facility and we would spend regular school hours there. I was assigned a job in the kitchen and a dorm space with a cabinet and a bed. We had group therapy every day, where we’d talk about our problems and receive any news about our status, etc. The staff got to determine how long we would have to stay. We got weekend passes which we could earn in various ways. I had to talk my grandma into letting me go to a few at her house (I’m pretty sure the staff called her and made it happen). I got two weekend passes, one of which turned out to be transformative.

There was three things that stood out as notable events while there. First, when I had just arrived, a guy in the kitchen had a half a joint. He was gonna share it with me. I figured we could put a ladder all the way up to the vent so the smoke could escape without smelling the place up. Then, we decided to cover any remaining smell with a mixture of all the cleaning products available, particularly the strong smelling ones.

It turns out that mixing these chemicals can cause a variety of symptoms, including loss of consciousness and even death. Who knew? All the fumes rose to the top of the room, where we were atop the ladder. The fumes were so overwhelming, I couldn’t tell if the pot had any effect. The other guy fell off the ladder, hurt himself and I had to go get him help. The whole thing was viewed as us mixing the wrong chemicals and we never got into trouble because they never found out about the pot.

The second thing was much more consequential. On my second weekend pass, I was out looking to get high. I ran into a friend and asked if he had any dope. He said he didn’t but he was going to a meeting and I was welcome to go. I had to cram as much into my time as possible and there was nothing going on so I said, “yes.”

We drove to some little room in a church. I walked in and immediately thought, “there’s no way these are my kind of people.” They all had cars and jobs and they seemed like normal people. Then they started talking. They talked about all the things I was doing as a delinquent and how they had done similar and felt bad about it. They talked about having a conscience and how it seemed no-one else did. They talked about how it felt to know you were gonna keep doing dope, no matter if it killed you and how hopeless it felt. They seemed to have a window into my soul and made me look at myself in ways I never thought I could.

Prior to that I had all those thoughts and feelings, I just never considered saying them so out loud. I watched people (in my fucked up outlaw world, anyway) go steal, fight, scam and do any manner of devious stuff and never seem to have any feelings of guilt. I assumed that I had to do these things and I would force myself to, but I was wracked with guilt. I thought my guilt was a personal defect which kept me from being all I could be. My life to that point had been a constant battle with my morality to overcome its influence and finally feel the way others looked like they felt. I had never imagined that they all experienced the same turmoil. Now I had proof. I was hooked. I got sober and stayed that way for 30 years.

I was the only one at my placement who had gotten sober. I began to explore my soul and how it worked to regulate my morality. I completely changed my outlook and focus. In the group therapy sessions, I started actually being helpful to the other kids. I started helping them to solve their problems or at least begin to. The average stay there was about 6 months. Some people stayed 5 and some 7. I stayed a whole year. I’m pretty sure some of that was to find a suitable foster home (more on the “suitability” later) but I’m pretty sure my effectiveness at counseling the other kids played a part in extending my stay, as well. In any case, I set the record for longest stay for at least that era. Even a couple of other kids who went to foster homes were released after 6 months.

It was during this time that I developed an ulcer. I was taken to the doctor who injected me with some dye and then x-rayed me. Back then, they had no real drugs for this so they just gave me a list of what not to eat. It was basically everything. Because I was institutionalized, they made me actually stick to it. I spent the last month there eating plain mashed potatoes and egg whites with no seasonings. It was hell. Every meal was a plate of bland whiteness. It sucked balls. I was getting really fed up with the system and wanted out bad.

Eventually, the day came when I was allowed to leave. I was to move to a foster home in a good neighborhood with one other kid who already lived there. Oddly, the “parent” was just a single man, not a couple. I was happy to be leaving and ready to go out into the world. The guy seemed nice enough and the other kid was OK, I guess. I was happy to able to go to meetings and be out in the world, finally. It was about 14 months after I had tried to steal the car battery, and I was finally free to walk the streets, or so I thought.

The other kid that lived there was a full-on fuck-up. He would waltz in with a shiny new stereo and claim he found it in an alley. He’d say that he hoped it worked and then try it out. Amazingly they always worked. The “parent” seemed to buy all of this hook, line and sinker. This kid never got in any trouble whatsoever. He even got brought home by the cops once for some crime or another. The guy never even asked about any of this. In my case, however, if I was a few minutes past curfew, there’d be handcuffs on the tables and endless threats to send me back. It was clear that the other kid was immune from trouble and I had a target on my back. I was young and at least somewhat naive, so I never really understood what was going on until after I decided to leave.

One day I had had enough. I decided to find my bank book with my kitchen job earnings (about $300.00) and split. It was over a year and a half since my crime. I figured that I had paid my debt and was not going to live under this cloud of threats any more. I ditched high school and went hunting for my bank book. As I rifled the drawers in the “parent’s” room, I hit one that was locked. I assumed my stuff was in there, so I used a playing card to open it. Inside was a huge cache of gay porn and some sex toys that seemed like they were aimed towards women, IYNWIMAITYD. That’s when I started to remember a bunch of details. I would come home in the middle of the day and both the “parent” and the other kid would be in bath robes. Sometimes the kid would be taking a bath and the parent guy would go into the bathroom and stay 20 minutes or so. I realized that this guy was fucking the kid and knew I wasn’t going to be down with that. He was trying to get rid of me to cover it up. At that moment, he came in and started yelling about me being a thief, because I jimmied open his drawer. I really wanted to beat the living hell out of him with a lamp. I mean badly. The guy was a minister at a huge church, someone who convinced the state he could look after wayward teenaged boys, and this was what he did. I restrained myself and just left, not even bothering to find my bank book.

It was not easy, being alone on the streets at 16 years old. On top of that, I had a warrant for going AWOL. I started using a fake name, at least for anything official (like talking to the cops). I slept in an abandoned bar across the street from my AA clubhouse for a few months. I would put 4 bar stools together for a bed. I spent my days in bookstores reading book after book. I really can’t remember how I fed myself.

Eventually, I started getting jobs doing drywall or framing houses. Back then, you could buy a tool belt full of tools and just walk up to a jobsite and ask for work. 8 or 10 bucks an hour and if you worked really hard, they’d keep you. Nobody asked for ID or social security info. I did phone sales, auto repos and a bunch of other crap, too. Eventually, I got a job from a guy at the meeting in title insurance. It paid OK and I started saving a bit. Finally, I went to trade school for auto repair and became a mechanic.

One day, I hitchhiked to Santa Barbara with a friend of mine. We just went to hang out and have fun. We were walking down State Street and as we walked, I was cleaning my finger nails with a buck knife. My friend bumped into me a few times. I kept telling him to watch where he was going, but he persisted. Finally, I stopped and adamantly told him to knock it off. Right as I was doing this, a guy walks up and asks, “what are you doing?” He was just a regular looking guy with a Levi’s jacket on. I said, “nothing, just messing around,” and realized I had my knife in my hand, so I folded it and put it away. Well, he opened his coat and pulled out a gun and yelled, “Freeze!” which was silly, because we weren’t moving. We put our hands up and he took his coat off to reveal a Santa Barbara Police shirt. He arrested me for “disturbing the peace.” I used my middle name for a first name and my Mom’s maiden name for the last one. I told him I was 18 years old, so they took me to the county jail. This was on a Friday night.

I sat in jail until Sunday evening, when they called out my alias. I had forgotten it by then so there was significant lag time in my responding. Eventually, I caught on and answered up. The officer told me to roll ’em up because I had made bail. I was shocked. The only one who even knew I was there was my friend and he was 16 also and penniless. The cop walked me down some halls and finally stopped me in a quiet spot. He told me that some friends from L.A. had come up to look for me after my friend hitched back down there and told them what happened. They went to juvenile hall, the police station, the hospital, basically everywhere before ending up at the jail. They tried every combination of my name with no luck (they didn’t know what my alias was).

Finally, they asked to see pictures of arrestees from Friday night and found me that way. The cop said they told him my whole story and he was impressed. He said he was gonna let me them bail me out, but first he took me on a scared straight tour. This guy killed his mom, that guy stole a car, etc. Then he gave me a hundred bucks and said, “don’t come back to my jail,” and I was out.

I tried to make good on his admonition, but it wasn’t to be. About 2 years later, I was riding my motorcycle around and got pulled over. I had long since stopped using fake names, so I gave them my real name. They gave me a chicken shit ticket for loud pipes or dim tail lights or something and after I signed it, they whipped my hands behind my back and handcuffed me. I asked what they were doing and they said I had a warrant from Santa Barbara. Damnit!

This time, I went to L.A. County Jail and had to sit there for 5 days until a bus left for up north. I rode up with all the people who were sentenced to state prison. I got to Santa Barbara jail on Friday, so I had to wait until Monday to see a judge. When I finally did, he seemed pissed that I was there. He said, “years ago you did basically nothing on State Street, there’s not even any peace on State Street to disturb! Now, you’ve spent ten days in jail, and forfeited $100.00 bail for no good reason. I apologize and the case is dismissed.” So now, I get released at like 11 p.m. in Santa Barbara with no money and no way home. I hitched home and it took all fucking night. When I finally got home, my motorcycle had been impounded and cost me about $600.00 to get it out.

I could go on, but this seems like as good of a place as any to end this story. My life, both before and after these events, has been filled with the similar craziness, this is just one sliver of it. BTW, Santa Barbara County Jail, circa early 1980s, was a WAY better place to be an inmate than either L.A. County Jail or Sylmar Juvenile Hall.

P.S. When I adopted my son 7 years ago, I told this story in somewhat abbreviated form, to our social worker. She was amazed, not by that fact that it happened, but by the fact that I turned out OK. She said, basically, “ most of those kids end up spending their whole lives in prison.”

July 25, 2019
The Hyperbole’s How-to Handbook Chapter Two: Crokinole Boards

In the last chapter we discussed ‘Is Libertarianism inherently self-reliant?’ Well, I did anyway, you lot mostly went straight to commenting on the pizza sauce and some sportsball game. This time around let us look at environmentalism. It seems to me that many libertarians and conservatives are dismissive or outright hostile to environmentalism, and I get it… to a point. Environmentalists are generally annoying smug asshats, or annoying filthy hippies. Many of the ‘movement’,or Big ‘E’ Environmentalists are outright commies, hence the watermelon tag. What I don’t get is when this animosity is turned from the people to behavior, actions which in and of themselves are pretty sensible – being frugal, conserving energy, not polluting, that kind of thing. Heck, not long ago four out of the ‘5 R’s of sustainability’ would have made a decent mantra for conservatives. I’m always amused come Earth Day when some redneck proclaims that he’s fixin’ to leave every light in his house on, open all his faucets, let his cars idle in the drive, and burn a pile of tires out back to cap off the evening. I know 90% of that is just bluster, an effort to trigger the green crowd, but I suspect there are a few Bubbas out there angry enough to actually do it. Wasting money and inhaling toxic fumes to own the libs! Anyway, there is literally tons of waste on a home building/renovation job, I try and do my part. I set aside scrap metal and old fixtures for Big Joe, the local rag and bone man, I keep old windows and cabinets, scrap lumber, sheathing, siding and shingles until I have enough to build a storage shed, and when I come across some old two by four handrails that turn out to be redwood I find a new and exciting purpose for them.

Crokinole Boards

Step 1. (not pictured) Get a job replacing some 2×4 handrails, discover that under the white paint is some beautiful redwood.

Step 2. Recall the game that Nephilium mentioned a while back, do some design work and determine that with careful resawing you have just enough material to make two crokinole boards.

Step 3. Select the best looking sides and layout and glue up the ~2×2’s into blanks.

Step 4. Build a jig for your router, you could of course use a store bought circle jig, but I wanted mine to also be a template for the peg holes and to use it as a guide for the straight lines as well

Step 5. Wish you owned a 32″ drum sander (or any drum sander) and attempt flattening the blanks with your belt and disc sanders.

Step 6. Get to routing, spinning router and jig round and round, round and round, round and round.

Step 7. Marvel at how well your jig is working, start round and rounding too fast and have an accident.

Step 8. Off to the soldering iron and the shrink tubing

Step 9. Get back to routing.

Step 10. Drill peg holes

Step 11. Glue sandpaper onto curved pieces of wood for some custom sanding blocks.

Step 12. Get to sanding

Step 13. Take time out to test drive your new game board.

Step 14. Use a flush cutting bit to trim excess.

Step 15. Make another jig to hold and cut brass pegs to size.

Step 16. put on a few coats of Poly.

Step 17. Glue in the pegs. Et voila, Bob’s your uncle, and there you have it.

As you can see I also built a ‘Murica!! themed board for my Jarhead bother, I made it out of MDF built up in several rings to save material, which also allowed me to have the outermost lip higher than the playing surface which is a better design than the redwood ones, where sometimes over-shot or ricocheting biscuits will fly off the table instead of into the ditch. Since then I have built one out of standard pine 1×6’s for the frame and birch plywood for the top. I integrated storage for the biscuits on the underside.

You may want to customize your tops and due to the circular nature of the playing surface one might be tempted to use any number of the many sports team or popular product logos that are often circular as well. Don’t do that, it would violate copyrights, and IP law. But don’t let that curb your creativity, for example, I made this one for the Ubs family, with a cherry frame. I inset the storage area lid which I also made into a scoring peg board. Currently I’m working on a mahogany frame and still have a blank playing surface, I wonder what I should put on there?

….hmmm, maybe…

July 9, 2019
A GlibFit Special: Tonio’s Rough Guide to Kayaking

Kayaking is a fun and safe recreational activity enjoyed by people at all levels of fitness and mobility. Kayaking can be done on almost any body of liquid water, but I’m going to focus on flatwater and stillwater paddling since that is the entry point and maximum level of attainment for most people. Kayaking is a good low-impact exercise and enables fishing, nature photography, and camping. Nothing beats the relaxation of a day on the water.

The most frequent question I get from people who have never kayaked is: “Do I have to learn how to flip the boat back up?” No. Ideally you won’t turn over, but if you do you swim free. Which inevitably leads to domanda numero due: “Do I have to be strapped in?” Again, the answer is “no.” Recreational kayaks are designed for easy exit – they have large cockpit openings and ample, unobstructed under-deck space. Plus, there is a new class of sit-on-top, self-draining kayak where no part of you is enclosed at all. To complete the trifecta of answers to questions I am frequently asked by non-boaters – no, they are not as tippy as you probably think; kayaks are designed to keep your center of gravity low which stabilizes things nicely.

“The kayak was first used by the indigenous Aleut, Inuit, Yupik and possibly Ainu hunters in subarctic regions of the world.” And those dudes were totally badass hunting seals and contending with orcas in frigid waters in boats made of hide and bones. Modern kayaks are almost exclusively made of rotomolded polyethylene plastic, with a small number of specialty boats made of fiberglass or wood.

Kayakers sit with their legs stretched out ahead of them and use a two-bladed paddle; as opposed to canoeists who kneel, or sit with legs tucked under, and use a one-bladed paddle.

The author in a sit-on-top boat designed for whitewater use, hence the straps and helmet.

Ideally your first kayak experience should be in the company of two or more experienced paddlers. Kayak enthusiasts often have extra boats and gear and will outfit you for your first trip. Etiquette tip – spring for beers afterwards for your guides and outfitters. Offer to serve as a shuttle monkey or lunch bunny if you want a second invite.

There are kayak rental concessions at/near various lakes and rivers, some of which offer guided trips. These people are very conscious of their liability and will not put their customers in harm’s way. If your first kayaking experience is with other inexperienced paddlers, start with a one or two hour rental on a quiet lake in a party of three or more people all of whom should know how to swim even though you will use the PFD (life vest) you are issued.

So, you do a trip and you have fun and decide to buy your own kayak. The type of kayak you should purchase depends on the type of kayaking you’ll be doing. If you’re going to be paddling on ponds and smaller lakes (collectively, stillwater) then you can get by with a cheap department store boat for around two hundred dollars. Inexpensive recreational kayaks can also be safely used on rivers with no rapids (flatwater), or on Class I-II whitewater – caution or instruction recommended for the latter.

At the absolute minimum you will also need: a PFD (aka life vest, and yes you really, really need one), paddle (you notice I put this behind PFD on the list, right?), whistle or air horn, and a broad-brimmed hat. Appropriate footwear is sandals with ankle straps (no flip-flops), water shoes such as Nike Aquasock, or wetsuit booties. Always have with you water, sunscreen and a snack. Usual outdoor safety and first aid equipment, but Glibs know this already.

Please don’t buy a cheap polyvinyl inflatable kayak, aka pool toy. These things are truly POS, puncture easily and are not durable. There is a better class of inflatable made of rubberized fabric, but those cost as much as a rigid boat; they do have the advantage of portability and compact storage.

If you want to do bigger water, want to take long trips, or haul lots of gear then you’re going to need a bigger, more durable boat than they sell at department stores.

A Tarpon model 130T (thirteen-foot, tandem) sit-on-top recreational boat. Two drain pipes in the rear cargo compartment, four in the front of the cockpit. The ridges are molded-in footbraces to accommodate various leg lengths.

If you want to do long downriver trips, or haul lots of gear then I recommend a sit-on-top, self-draining recreational kayak such as Wilderness Systems’ Tarpon line of boats. These boats are sturdy, stable and durable. Recently Wilderness replaced the rubber cargo hatches with hard plastic hinged hatches – much more durable and reliable. The drain pipes go all the way through from the top deck to the bottom deck without letting water into the space between decks. Perhaps counterintuitively, the drain pipes add a huge amount of structural integrity to the hull. These boats can do up to Class III whitewater, and can even surf a bit, but they are not nimble.

Obligatory Stirring Kayak Anecdote: During rescue operations in chilly whitewater I had two men in a one-person, sit-on-top boat, exceeding the rated cargo capacity by over one hundred pounds. Although the boat sat low in the water and the cockpit was partially flooded, the kayak remained floatworthy and maneuverable; when the extra man got out of the boat the water drained out within ten seconds and full floatworthiness was regained.

The only disadvantage to self-draining kayaks is that they are slower than traditional kayaks – the drain holes add drag. And while you sit higher in the water in a sit-on-top than in a conventional kayak, the designers compensate for that by making these boats extra-wide for added stability. The drain pipes also provide an easy way to secure the kayak against casual theft using a chain or cable lock.

Another Anecdote: One of the recreational boaters I’m trying to get to level-up has long been wary of trying my sit-on-top. Once she finally tried it she was impressed by the stability generally solid character of the craft to the point of jealousy.

If you want to do Class III+ whitewater and be able to surf (including ocean waves) and do tricks then you will need a whitewater kayak – these are made of thicker plastic than cheap recreational boats and have internal supports to keep them from being crushed like a soda can in rough water. You will need to learn to roll – contact your local paddling club, Parks and Rec (SLD), or YMCA about rolling classes which are often conducted in pools. Expect to spend $1,200-$1,600 for all new whitewater kayak, PFD, paddle, skirt and helmet. Whitewater boats are short, and by design easily tip and spin.

If you are going to do long treks on open water (ocean, sea, bay, sound, great lakes, etc) you will probably want a sea kayak. These boats are long and narrow, relatively stable, but don’t turn well. Many deepwater paddlers learn to roll in case they are swamped by waves or wakes. Some sea kayaks are equipped with sailing rigs, retractable keels for speed and tracking, and outriggers for stability.

There are also a few pedal-powered kayaks on the market where the pedal rotation powers underwater flaps which help propel the boat; paddles are used for turning and maneuvering, and for additional propulsion. Pedal drive boats are not recommended for water with lots of vegetation, underwater obstructions, etc. Some of those pedal units are removable.

Fiberglass boats are great if you are a competitive whitewater kayaker, competitive flatwater racer, squirt boater, or want to make your own boat. They are certainly light, but break in situations where a polyethylene boat would bend or dent.

Wooden boats are so very pretty, but they are heavy and expensive. You don’t see many of them in river kayaking as the owners tend to avoid anything that might scrape them up, like rocks.

Buying a used boat is often a good way to break into the sport on the cheap without sacrificing equipment quality. Scrapes and scratches consistent with normal use are fine. Beware of dents, folds, creases, cracks, brittle plastic, dry rotted rubber, etc. Generic replacement nylon carry handles are readily available, but rotted handles are indicative of poor kayak storage. Best time to find a used boat is December through March as people get new boats for Christmas or for Spring.

A single short boat will fit inside a hatchback vehicle with the front seat folded forward. For longer or multiple boats you will need a roof rack, or a pickup truck. A Subaru Outback wagon can easily haul four kayakers with boats and gear for a day trip.

Tonio has been a canoeist since 1985, and a kayaker since 1990. Tonio’s maximum level of attainment was solid Class IV whitewater paddling skills, but he has dialed things back to Class III now that he is older. Tonio loves practicing kayak safety and rescue techniques. Tonio is not a real Italian.

July 5, 2019
Decorate That Cake!

I started baking as part of my half-assed, slow-motion, car crash of a mid-life crisis. I needed a creative outlet. My first decorating attempt was truly pathetic.

It was a peppermint cake and I wanted to make it look like a peppermint candy. I failed. I lacked technical skill (and proper tools) in decorating. So, I regrouped and focused on making the cakes impressive on the inside by figuring out how to make checkerboard cakes.

But, I really wanted them to be pretty on the outside as well.

I decided to focus on what I was capable of doing. I bought basic tools, an offset spatula and basic tips and a pastry bag. With just these tools, you can make impressive cakes if you think carefully about what you are doing.

offset spatula

Before we get to decorating, I do want to tell you about ermine – or boiled– frosting. This is the best frosting I have ever tasted. It is fluffy, light, and just sweet enough. It’s made by combining 5 T flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup milk (you can use coconut milk or almond milk to make it vegan) in a saucepan and cook, stirring constantly, until it has the texture of mashed potatoes. Let that cool, then beat it a little at a time into 1 cup of butter (or margarine) with a pinch of salt and vanilla or other flavoring.

It will seem to curdle, keep going, and it will turn into something with the texture of whipped cream. Now, we’re ready to talk about decorating.

First, you can make a swirled frosting, then sprinkle stuff on top. I made a coconut lime cake with lime curd between the layers. I used coconut milk to make the ermine frosting and balance the fresh lime curd between the layers. I used the offset spatula to make it swirly. It really takes no skill at all – just smear it on the cake. Then I sprinkled dried coconut on top along with a few lime slices. I think this is a pretty and inviting cake.

I’ve also made an almond cake with raspberry between the layers. I decorated this one with sliced almonds and fruit. I toasted the slivered almonds and used them to make ‘flowers’ with a berry in the center. Just stick them into the frosting in a circular pattern – it’s hard to mess up. I smoothed out the sides, and I’ll explain how I got it smooth in a moment, but you don’t have to do that. You could leave it swirled. I pressed toasted almonds around the bottom of the cake as well. Again, I think this is a pretty and inviting cake.

You can make a very cute or a very elegant cake just by making blobs of frosting. When I do this, I leave the sides unfrosted. This is for two reasons: I like the look, and I use butter cream and the blobs are thick. That is a lot of butter cream on the top of the cake and I don’t want the sweetness of the butter cream to overwhelm the cake. I made this cake (along with StraffinRun who never posted pics – glares) back in October. I just made blobs using different tips and colors and then added candy eyes.

The simplicity of the idea inspired me. I thought instead of cute, this could be used for an elegant cake. And, you don’t actually need tips to make the elegant version. It can be done with just a Ziploc bag. Put the frosting into the Ziploc, cut off part of one corner and go to town. I made a lemon cake and put cherry jam between the layers. I just made blobs and then sprinkled a little colored sugar over it. I think it looks elegant.

Lastly, drip cakes are very popular and hip these days and they are easy. I made a peanut butter cake and put chopped peanuts between the layers

For a drip cake, you want the frosting smooth on the top and sides. I made a peanut butter butter cream, and smoothed it over the cake.

You make it smooth by putting frosting on the outside of the cake. It doesn’t need to smooth at that point, but you’re not trying to make a swirled cake. Then, put the offset spatula under hot running water. Use it to smooth the sides by running it around the outside. It takes repeated efforts, under the hot water, smooth, repeat until you are happy with it. Once it is smooth, stick it in the refrigerator to chill. A drip works best over a cold, frosted cake.

Next make the ganache for the drip. I made chocolate ganache which is equal weights of chocolate and cream. Do weight it, it makes a difference. Chop up the chocolate then pour hot cream (heated in the microwave) over it and stir. Add a little corn syrup (1 tablespoon or less) to make it shiny.

Pour a little ganache on top, then smooth it toward the edge of the cake. When you reach the edge, give it a little push to make it drip over the side. It’s that easy. You can add more decorations, like chopped Reese’s peanut butter cups or other candies if you like.

I’m enjoying learning to decorate cakes. It gives me a creative outlet and has pushed me to think about how to get an effect within my skill level. I hope you enjoyed seeing these easy methods and take inspiration for your own cakes.

July 1, 2019
SP’s Guide to Insufferable Politeness: Lesson 2
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The noun “etiquette” describes the requirements of behaviors according to conventions of society. It includes the proper conduct that is established by a community for various occasions, including ceremonies, court, formal events and everyday life. ~ Robin Bickerstaff Glover

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The ~~Australian~~ Glib Book of Etiquette is a very slim volume. ~ Paul Theroux

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When last we spoke about etiquette, I gave you some tips on what to take (and not to take) to a dinner party to which you were invited. I received a G/glib follow-up question via email: What does one take when one is crashing a dinner party to which one was not invited.

Really? That would be the height of bad manners and an appalling breach of etiquette. But, if you must behave thus, and the dinner party you are crashing is mine, may I introduce you to my event security detail? You might recognize him as a PROMINENT FOREST LAWYER.

Now, let’s move on to Lesson Two of Glib Finishing School: writing an excellent thank you note.

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Situation

You attended a most interesting and enjoyable dinner party; the food was terrific, the drinks top-notch, the mix of guests brilliant, and the conversation fascinating. You were pleased to have made a very favorable impression on the entire gathering.

At the end of the evening, the hostess walked you to the door and thanked you for joining the group.

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What do you do?

Do you:

A) Thank your hostess as you are leaving and call it good

B) Phone your hostess the following week to say thanks

C) Send a thank you email or text as soon as you get home

D) Handwrite a thoughtful thank you note and mail it

E) Text “Oops, my bad” from the county lockup

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SP’s Suggestion

Thinking back to our mission of using etiquette and impeccable manners as a means of creating a favorable impression in the minds of those with whom we interact, your course of action should be clear.

By all means, thank your hostess in person as you are departing the event, but do not neglect to send a handwritten thank you note, preferably mailed within the next two days.

Just as sending a thank you note for a job interview makes one stand out favorably to the interviewer, you will enhance your reputation as a person of class with the hostess by the same action.

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Anatomy of an excellent thank you note

I’ll focus on our dinner party example, but the same principles apply to any thank you note.
1. Handwritten notes are best. If you feel your penmanship is not what it should be, aside from practicing and improving it, the best course of action is to slow down when writing. Think about each letter as you form it and you’ll see a marked improvement.
2. Write your note on nice stationery or a note card, not a plain piece of printer paper or college-ruled paper you’ve ripped out of your child’s school notebook. Use a fine-tip pen. Unless you are Picasso and are including a sketch, pen looks nicer than pencil.
3. Use greetings and closings appropriate to your relationship with the recipient.
4. Mention what you particularly enjoyed about the event. Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine through. (Unless you’re a dick. Don’t be a dick.)
5. Close with a reiteration of thanks.
Example

Dear SP,

Thank you so much for inviting me to your fun dinner party Saturday night. I had a great time!

The gathering was a wonderful reminder of how sharing delicious food and warm laughter around a lovely table always brings people together. I enjoyed meeting your friends who were visiting from Los Angeles–I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much.

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness in including me.

Truly yours,

Glibby

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Family Rules

You may be on intimate terms with the hostess, but that is no reason to decide not to send a thank you note! Everyone appreciates receiving a sincere thank you when they’ve gone to effort to create an event. Why not take the opportunity to foster warm feelings in your close friends and family members? You can make the world a little bit better one note at a time.

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Join me next time, when I’ll cover how to write a thank you note for a thoroughly unenjoyable event.

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June 24, 2019
SP’s Guide to Insufferable Politeness: Lesson 1

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The noun “etiquette” describes the requirements of behaviors according to conventions of society. It includes the proper conduct that is established by a community for various occasions, including ceremonies, court, formal events and everyday life. ~ Robin Bickerstaff Glover

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The ~~Australian~~ Glib Book of Etiquette is a very slim volume. ~ Paul Theroux

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Well, there is etiquette and then there are manners. Not the same thing at all.

Think of etiquette as the collection of principles for why one uses manners: courtesy, respect, kindness. If one seeks to treat others kindly and put them at ease, one will rarely go wrong in a big way, and will likely be forgiven for a lapse in manners such as using the wrong knife in a formal setting.

However, I like to think about etiquette and manners as means to control minds and hearts…no rusty tin can lids required!

At finishing school one is taught the niceties of manners, but the main emphasis is on creating an impression of oneself in the minds of others. Consider this your invitation to Glib Finishing School.

Ready?

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Situation

You are invited to a dinner party. Along with the usual details, the hostess has indicated that it is not a formal affair and gives an impression that it’s really more a gathering akin to an open house with no set end time.

You promptly reply that you are delighted to be invited and will attend.

You ask the standard question all Glibs of good breeding ask: What may I bring?

The hostess replies, “Thank you for asking, but there is no need for you to bring anything.”

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What do you do?

Do you:

A) Take your hostess at her word and not bring anything

B) Bring the dish known as your specialty

C) Bring flowers from the grocery store around the corner

D) Bring a small thoughtful gift

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SP’s Suggestion

It depends on your relationship with the hostess.

In the long ago, olden times, one would of course bring a small thoughtful gift in spite of the request not to do so, unless the hostess was a close family member. It was considered very bad manners to arrive empty-handed. Remember hostess gifts?

However, things have changed. It is now perfectly acceptable to take your hostess at her word and bring nothing but a positive attitude and anticipation of an enjoyable event.

But, wait.

Remember that I said this is a chance to create a positive impression of oneself? If the hostess is a business acquaintance, valued member of your social network, or someone new whom you would like to cultivate, taking something that is small and useful, that creates no work for the hostess, is a good plan.

Such as:

A bottle of decent wine (no Two Buck Chuck); a pretty floral arrangement already in a vase (this can even be flowers from your garden); a small pot of herb plants or a spice blend in a pretty jar; a selection of nice cheeses or nuts.

Just be cognizant that the hostess may or may not use your offering during that event. If there is already a set menu or wines selected to go with the menu, don’t be offended that your gift isn’t put into immediate use. Remember, you are trying to create a favorable impression.

Be gracious. Once you have given a gift, what happens with it is completely up to the recipient.

What not to bring:

A dish that needs oven or refrigerator/freezer space; flowers in a plastic wrap from the grocery store; several bottles of ingredients for your specialty cocktail; a CD of your favorite “dinner music” by Kraftwerk; finger foods that need some kind of preparation beyond plating.

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Pro Tip

If you know the hostess is crazy about her pet, bringing a small, token gift for the pet may win you even more points than something for the hostess herself!

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N.B.

All of the preceding regarding what to bring can be disregarded if you are on a Family Rules status with the hostess. You know the level of formality likely to be involved, you know the likes and dislikes and habits of the hostess, and probably most of the other guests.

So feel free to grab that six-pack of PBR and some stale chips and generic salsa. She already knows the kind of low class person you are.

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And, finally…

Don’t forget that it’s always thoughtful to send a thank you note, email, or text after the event, no matter your relationship with the hostess. If it’s like some of the previous Chez OMWC/SP parties, you might want to also include a playful, “Oops, my bad” when you text us from the county lockup.

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Next time, join me for how to write an excellent thank you note.

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June 10, 2019
Murphy Bed – Part Two

Here is where I left off with Part 1:

Once I got the bed installed to the case I needed to make sure it went up and down without any issues. Here is the leg that swings out to support the feet when you lower it:

Next I needed some stoppers to keep the bed from going inside the case too far:

So now the face of the bed frame will sit flush with edge of the case:

Now I can do the trimwork, which involved staring at it for a while. I decided I liked the panel look on the changing table I made so I wanted to replicate the square edges and lines. That involved ripping various widths of poplar down to ¼ inch thick, so I bought a bandsaw to make this task easier. I bought this WEN 10″ model and a ½ inch Woodslicer blade. The widths of the trim pieces are 1 ½ inches, 4 inches, and 6 inches. The saw handled the 1 ½ inch boards no problem, did okay with the 4 inch boards, but struggled with the 6 inch boards so much I ended up using my table saw instead. Here is the 1 ½ inch board:

The motor just isn’t strong enough for the 6 inch boards, and wandered a lot with the 4 inch boards until I figured out a better technique. If I did this again I would probably cut them to 5/16ths of an inch and plane them down to ¼ inch. I figure this saw will be able to handle just about everything else I want to do, but If I ever get to where I’m resawing a lot of wood I will need to upgrade to something more powerful.

Once I got everything cut, it was easy to get it nailed on with some ⅝” brads. I didn’t use glue, but in hindsight I probably should have as a few of the pieces popped off when I moved it to paint. Here it is ready to go with the latches on the sides and a handle in the middle:

With everything installed I gave it a few test runs and there were only a couple of spots where the bed frame rubbed against the case. The frame needed some sanding and softening of the edges with a ⅛” roundover:

Then I added a headboard and took it into the paint booth I set up in our basement:

I draped some plastic on the walls by tucking it into the drop ceiling tiles, and used an old area rug to protect the nasty carpet. The area rug sat on the plastic and really helped seal all of the dust and overspray into the booth. Mrs. McGinty was a little skeptical about this idea, but I proceeded to man-splain all of this manly stuff to her and she eventually came around. Here is the first coat of primer:

My painting experiences have taught me that white paint needs gray primer, and gray paint needs white primer. That way you can see what you’re doing. I didn’t bother painting the inside since the mattress would be covering it up. After this side was painted, I flipped it over and painted the front:

You’ll notice some streaks in the finish. I laid the paint on thicker than I normally would since the surface was flat. As the paint dried, the thinner spots dried first and affected the sheen. It’s noticeable when the light hits it at certain angles, but otherwise only my nit-pickyness can tell. I may stop by someplace that does commercial painting and ask for some free advice.

The weather worked out so I was able to paint the case outside. It was a pain in the ass to move, mainly due to Mrs. McGinty lacking upper body strength and not listening to me, but I was also getting tired of working in it day after day. I finally got it all painted, hauled into the basement, and set up. I added a strap to hold the mattress to the bed frame when it is in the vertical position where the legs attach to the frame:

At this point I realized it sits too low for my dad, so I bought a box spring to raise the mattress up about 5 inches. Perfect height. Then I proceeded to raise the frame up to check the weight, and realized the legs that support the foot end won’t properly close. After some profanity, I figured some blocks that raise the bed 2 ½” inches will be fine. Crisis averted:

As an added bonus, the blocks create some space to hide contraband. Here it is with the mattress:

And the final test…

I used 4 inch lag screws to anchor it to the wall, hitting the studs solidly in 4 of the 6 tries. It’s solid, and my dad says he sleeps great on it so I’m happy with that.

This was really a challenge to build due to the unexpected hurdles and the size.

Sneak peak at my next write up:

This was the display for the Violins of Hope here in Nashville last year. I built the workbench.

June 6, 2019
The Glibening, Part Eight: Curiouser and Curiouser…

Tu musica

Previously…

The door opened and Ramesh found himself face to face with a Troll, a Troll like in The Hobbit. The Troll was doing a dope deal with a chunky young Korean dude.

“Oh shit, the cops,” shrieked the dude.

And at that moment Ramesh remembered that he was wearing a badge.

Today’s Story…

The Troll stood about six foot eight even with his slouchy posture, with a bald head and gray goatee, and several obvious piercings. He was fat, like three neckrolls fat, and dressed in Doc Martens boots, calf-length baggy black jorts, and a black t-shirt with the Thought! Magazine nameplate over his left breast. And large and surprisingly shapely breasts they were, which was a bit unnerving for Ramesh. The Troll looked at Ramesh and grinned widely. His teeth weren’t as fangy as Ramesh expected, and were clean and some had silver fillings.

“Look who’s back. Hi Doc,” said the Troll to Ramesh before turning back to the dude.

“Stuff it, Cho. Doc Bombay ain’t no more a cop than me.”

“Nice suit, Doc,” said the Troll, turning back to Ramesh. “Big change from your usual outfit.”

“Hi. Thanks.” said Ramesh, very curious but deciding his best action was to play along. He recognized the handle “Doctor Bombay, You Know from Mumbai” from lurking on the Thought! website at his boss’ behest. Perhaps all South Asians looked alike to Trolls, and obviously the dude didn’t know Doctor Bombay.

“Hey, can you drop something off with Mario,” the Troll asked Ramesh.

“Sure.”

“Great, I’ll make it worth your while. Here’s his zee,” said the Troll producing a sealed plastic bag of weed.

“Alea iacta est,” thought Ramesh and stepped through the door.

“Here’s a bud for you. Pineapple Express.” The Troll unpalmed a smallish colita and handed it to Ramesh along with the bag.

“Pineapple Express combines the potent and flavorful forces of parent strains Trainwreck and Hawaiian… This hard-hitting sativa-dominant hybrid provides a long-lasting energetic buzz perfect for productive afternoons and creative escapes.” -Leafly

Ramesh had smoked quite a bit of pot before becoming a federal prosecutor. His gift bud appeared to be from the same batch as the weed in the bag. He gave the megabud a good sniff. It was indeed the Express, and of a most fragrant character. “Thanks,” he nodded appreciatively to the Troll and dropped the pot into his suit coat pocket.

“What are you going to be, Doc? Detective? Which timeline?”

“Junior federal prosecutor, working for Preet,” said Ramesh, remembering that the truth was the best lie of all.

“Hurr-Durr,” laughed Godwin. “No way…”

Wow, so Trolls really did laugh like that, thought Ramesh.

Godwin’s laugh degenerated into a long, nasty series of lung noises which culminated in the production of a sizeable loogie which the Troll expertly spat into a short, widemouthed brass vase sitting on the floor. The loogie hit with enough force to cause the vase to tip slightly, whereupon it started rotating making a wuka-wuka noise before finally coming to rest. The oyster, which had been sitting on the lip of the vase covering the opening, slowly burbled up then burst with a wet “plorp” and oozed slowly into the vase.

“Hey Godwin, my bags look kind of light,” whined Cho holding up two anemic snack baggies containing shake, stems, and seeds – the worst sort of schoolyard schwag.

“Take it or leave it, Cho. And tell Mr. Rico Suave he’ll get a nicer bag if he came down himself instead of sending his fanboi interns, and buy more than a dime bag at a time. You’d think he could afford that, right? Your bag is light because of the risk I’m taking,” said Godwin hooking his huge thumb at the sign on the door. “I’m doing good in commenter training and don’t want to fuck it up. Why are you still here?”

Cho stuffed the bags in the pocket of his skinny jeans, and hustled out the door and up the steps, shaking his fulsome rump in its stretchy denim cradle to Godwin’s obvious enjoyment. “Doctor Gilhooly is right, you people are all just one step away from Nazis,” called Cho petulantly over his shoulder.

Ramesh expected Godwin to pursue and catch Cho, and subsequently dismember and/or eat him. Instead, Godwin just slammed the great door shut and began beating on it with his huge fists. “That little shit,” bellowed Godwin. Ramesh now understood how the dimple had formed in the door.

“Hey, could you have the Paw do me one last time,” asked Godwin, still slightly tumescent from his scene with Cho and subsequent raging.

Ramesh didn’t know what Godwin meant by “do me,” but he was about to find out. He had nothing against gay, but working a zombie monkey paw to give a Troll a telekinetic handy was just a bit out there.

“Sure,” he said, playing for time.

To Ramesh’s surprise, Godwin turned his back and bent over slightly cupping his knees with his huge palms. There was ample buttcrack showing. The troll was wearing a black jockstrap with “NASTYPIG” woven into the waistband fabric in red, along with a pig snout logo. Ramesh suddenly felt queasy, like an hour after Chipotle queasy.

Ramesh slowly reached into the purse and extracted the Paw by the stump and held the hand upright, palm towards Godwin. He knew it was best to be very specific with tulpas, but he also didn’t want to risk giving the wrong instruction. And Godwin had said “one last time,” so presumably the paw knew what to do.

Monkey Paw, Monkey Paw,
Make Godwin happy.
Monkey Paw, Monkey Paw,
Just like before.

Sad monkey hoots. The Paw slowly formed its tiny hand into a claw and started flexing its fingers. Ramesh noticed a twitching lump underneath Godwin’s shirt in the vicinity of the shoulder blades. He waved the Paw around with a vigorous circular motion and as he did so the shirt lump tracked the movements of the Paw. Godwin began making a series of happy grunts. Ramesh started moving the Paw down then up, from as high as his arm would reach down to the point in space where the jockstrap waistband began to move. He didn’t want to risk taking the Paw below the equator. Dark spots appeared at several places on Godwin’s shirt, as the Paw popped pustules and expressed bullae.

“Right there,” grunted Godwin in a voice an octave below basso profondo.

Ramesh worked the paw extra special hard and wondered what he had done in a past life to deserve this. He finally finished everything that could reasonably be considered Godwin’s back, and paused.

Godwin straightened up, as much as one could with his physique. “Thanks, Doc. I haven’t had one that good since Lützi Steegenwould was here. She took the MTA out to Brooklyn to buy a garden rake with her little intern stipend just to scratch my back. Godwin became lachrymose, which eventually caused the production of another loogie and another ringing of the vase.

Ramesh had worked up a bit of a sweat. That was the difference between Western magic and Eastern magic – wizards just waved their wands and shit happened; shamans had to expend energy equal to the effect they achieved. The Paw waited for a few seconds after Ramesh stopped moving it, then started cleaning under its fingernails using its thumbnail, then vice versa. Finally the Paw balled its tiny fist then unballed it quickly three times in succession then shook its fingers out. Funny that something dead and rotting, and animated by the darkest necromancy, should be so fastidious. Ramesh dropped the Paw back into the purse.

“I guess I’ll head over to Mario’s now,” said Ramesh.

“Yeah, I know you all have to get ready. I’ll miss you guys,” snuffled Godwin.

“Hey, you’re going to make a fine commenter,” said Ramesh, extending his hand.

“That means a lot, you being a William and Mary graduate.” At that, Godwin pulled Ramesh in for a big hug, and Ramesh found himself smothered in Troll moobage.

“Thanks,” said Ramesh once Godwin relaxed his embrace.

Ramesh turned and walked down the corridor, trying to be nonchalant as if he did this every day. He wondered if Godwin was checking out his butt. But even more disturbing was how Godwin knew he was a William and Mary alum. Unless Doctor Bombay was also an alum, but that would be suspiciously coincidental.

He came to to a Tee in the corridor. He stopped, looked and listened. Identical corridor in each direction. From the right he heard a muffled chorus of screeching, from the left he heard peppy Latin music.

The choice was obvious.

June 5, 2019
Recipe: SP’s Homemade Ricotta
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SP’s Homemade Ricotta

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Here is another super easy recipe that anyone can make at home. Except vegans. Sorry, WebDom!

This ricotta can be used in any application in which you’d use commercial ricotta, but you might need to let it drain a bit longer, or even overnight, so it firms up more, depending on use. We tend to use it within an hour or so of finishing the process.

Ricotta is a very forgiving product to make. You’ll definitely want to experiment and discover exactly which acids you like to use for curdling, and how much cream you want to add, if any. Go crazy and see what you come up with.

Yields approximately 1 pound of fresh ricotta.

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Ingredients

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- 2 quarts whole milk
- 1/2 – 1 cup heavy cream
- 4 tbsp lemon juice
- 1/2 tsp salt
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Procedure

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1. Pour the milk and cream into a heavy saucepan. Heat slowly to 200 degrees F. If you don’t have a thermometer, heat until just below boiling.
  
  Mixture of whole milk and cream, simmering.
2. Turn burner to low (or turn off for an electric stove). Stir in lemon juice and salt.
  
  You need both.
3. Continuing stirring until curds begin to form, about a minute. Remove pan from heat and allow to sit uncovered for 15 or 20 minutes. The curds will continue to form and create a solid surface atop the whey.
4. While the ricotta is forming, dampen a double layer of cheesecloth and line a mesh strainer completely. Set it over a large bowl.
5. When the curds have had time to form, scoop them gently off the top of the whey and place in the cheesecloth. If you don’t have a skimmer, you can pour the entire contents of the saucepan into your lined strainer (as long as it will fit!). The whey will drain, leaving the ricotta in the cheesecloth.
  
  Curds set
6. Allow the ricotta to drain until it has reached the desired consistency for your recipe. The ricotta will keep in the frig for about a week. But it never lasts that long at our place.
  
  Finished ricotta after draining.
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Note: Don’t throw out the leftover whey! It’s a great addition to breads and other baked goods, mashed potatoes, oatmeal, or even added to soups. Store in the frig for up to a week and use a bit here and there. It can also be frozen in smaller quantities.

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[wprm-recipe-print id=”41436″]

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June 3, 2019