First thing first: About the socks. I bought a couple pairs of these in response to Michael Malice’s book and his delightful podcast (Promo Code: Welcome30). They are indeed nice. I am not going to say these socks will change your life when you buy them. If a pair of socks changes your life, chances are pretty good you are homeless or your life otherwise sucks. So grab a pair of these socks, and if they change your life, please consider reevaluating the choices you made to get to this point.
This is my review of Anchorage Brewing Co Easy Evil Black Raspberry Saison
As a quick primer on the author: his Wikipedia page can be found at this link. For those refusing I enact their labor, Malice is an anarchist is the purest sense. He is best known for his appearances on Kennedy or his previous book, Dear Reader: The Unauthorized Biography of Kim Jung Il. He is has a fairly well-known presence on Twitter; essentially as a troll with a large following. Ever wonder where the reply of “Your*” in response to the proper use of the word, “you’re” (or vice versa) came from? That started with him, and is meant to generate an indignant response from the person who made the mistake of making a statement using the second person, is incapable of arguing the merits of the idea, and instead focuses on grammar. That is what trolling is after all, an attempt to manipulate the emotional response of a half-wit to the troll’s delight. His latest book The New Right: A Journey to the Fringe of American Politics, is available here on Amazon. It is a treatise if sorts, on how culture is derived from the fringe of society and how that fringe is made up of various factions on “the right”.
He has certain definitions and views that should first be identified before this book is further discussed.
Conservatism vs. Progressivism: There is no functional difference between the two, aside from acceptance of the pace and direction culture moves. He consistently defines a conservative as, “a progressive driving the speed limit”.
The New Right:
A loosely connected group of individuals united by their opposition to progressivism, which they perceive to be a thinly veiled fundamentalist religion dedicated to egalitarian principles and intent on totalitarian world domination via globalist hegemony.
The Cathedral: An oversimplified definition may be the “Evangelical Left”; universities, the media, and expansive government. He cites Mencius Moldbug for the concept but a more convenient quote (for me) is from Jim Goad:
[…]cultural progressivism, egalitarianism, social justice, or whatever the fuck you’re calling it these days–is simply Christianity with God removed. Your “God”–your untouchable premise–is the naively childish and entirely unscientific notion of innate human equality.
A way to think of this book, is a comparison he makes on his interview with Michael Malice on his podcast to the classic, Dante’s Inferno. In this book, with assistance of a Roman poet/philosopher Virgil, Dante descends into Hell to witness the eternal punishment of sinners. One discovers with Dante, the further along the book, the further removed from grace the sin, the further he must descend into Hell, thus the harsher the punishment. Here the further along the reader goes, he or she descends further from “safe” and “respectable” cultural and political thought.
Safe and respectable according to whom? The Cathedral. This choice in metaphors is not made lightly.
This book otherwise takes a long look at the intersection of various subgroups that make up the right as Malice sees it. He begins where many at this site presently are: the convergence of Murray Rothbard/Pat Buchannan (Anachro-capitalist/Paleo-conservative) wings that came about in the early 1990’s. This is prescient for me, because this is several years prior to my coming of age and any explanation I was ever given to this philosophy was framed negatively. He then presents others such as Milo Yionopo…Yoiunoppo… He presents others such as infamous homosexual agent-provocateur Milo and how The Cathedral, with some success, attempted to take him down a few years ago. We see this today with Steven Crowder, though his forays with the Cathedral are far too recent, and probably too blasé to be discussed by Malice in this book. In later chapters he discusses other figures such as Mike Cernivoch, Gavin McGinnes, Anne Coulter, Jared Taylor, Pax Dickinson…and beyond. It is thorough exposé across a wide spectrum of free thinking people, united only in their opposition to progressives.
One can look at this book, and the comparison to Dante’s Inferno and view it is as a bit of a warning. To whom is this warning directed? At the risk of being declared a heretic around here…you. YES, YOU. THE READER.
OBEY
An analogy he constantly uses, in spite of it being a cliché, is the red pill. This of course is a reference to the 1999 movie The Matrix and essentially means one is exposed to the existence of the lie that is Wonderland, and taking the red pill means remaining in Wonderland and following the White Rabbit where it takes you. In this case the lie is the Cathedral, and the pillars that hold it up. Once one takes the red pill, he or she becomes acquainted with the symbols and the methods the Cathedral uses to keep the population under control. The problem of course, is in The Matrix, Morpheus only gives Neo a single red pill. This is important as only one is needed. Don’t take the entire bottle. Another way perhaps to look at this is the movie They Live. Here it is not a red pill but a pair of sunglasses that allows the wearer to see people as they truly are. The problem is continually wearing the sunglasses will eventually become painful to look through.
The analogy of the sunglasses however has several limitations, hence Malice chooses the red pill. To begin, one first takes the red pill and discovers the truth: there is no functional difference between progressivism, and conservatism; only the speed at which one is traveling on the road to serfdom. The problem he finds, is once one discovers this, and immerse oneself in the literature, one begins to question everything. One sees the media is not to be trusted, then then seeks news and opinion “elsewhere” (ALTERNATIVE FACTS!!). Once others point out inconsistencies, and that the opinions one seeks “elsewhere” are also to not to be trusted, one descends further into the inferno, and finds oneself making unnecessary if/then connections, or connections that are dangerous to make. i.e. George Stephanopoulos worked for the Clinton administration and expects to be taken seriously as an objective journalist (red pill), then Nick Gillespie is a cosmopolitan cuck that simply wants to be accepted by his establishment colleagues in the media (two pills), which becomes John Podesta being a tool of a secret society of child molesters (too many red pills), then escalates into taking “race realism” seriously because (((They))) are behind it and casually using racial slurs is okay if the context allows (empty bottle). “Blood and soil” is all that remains, cowboy….
Slow down, and think about what you are doing. Yes, this has occurred here in a site comprised of people that identify themselves as libertarian. Who remembers PapayaSF?
Here is a fun example. SpongeBob Squarepants…is gay. No seriously, here is an article that makes a rather poor case why SpongeBob is a homosexual. The rationalist after taking the red pill will say, “C’mon, he’s a Sponge. Sponges reproduce asexually and its a kids show.” Too many red pills results in coming across sites like that, and thinking there is a “gay agenda” that is putting subtle messages into children’s programing in an effort to create acceptance of homosexuality, and even make children homosexuals themselves. After all, the show’s creators said this was certainly not the case but they said it through establishment media and they can’t be trusted…
…anyways, this beer pours in a manner that I can only describe as “Carbonated Merlot”. If you are the type that likes sours, or saisons, there is nothing traditional about this beer to make you think it is either, so I have no idea if you will be into it. The tartness of the black raspberries blasts its way into everything, and it immediately turned me off at first. You have to let it warm up slightly to get anything else past that. There is a hint of citrus fruitiness, as it is still a saison, that you might find after letting it sit for a bit. This is not one to chug, because you probably won’t be able to from the tartness. Sip it, and enjoy it with a book.
So the bottom line? I highly recommend this book, but tread carefully out there, Heshi socks are quite nice, and Anchorage Brewing Co Easy Evil Black Raspberry Saison rates a very respectable 3.8/5.
Fourteen year old Tulip lurrvvved her some Billy Idol. Those cheekbones, those eyes, that mouth, the leather and the hair. Just hearing his voice on the radio could make me wet. But, after the Rebel Yell album, I moved on. To real boys (Pete Swenson, mmm, mmm) and other artists: Depeche Mode, Prince, a brief flirtation with Metallica and a longer one with country music. In fact, I didn’t know he had been in a serious accident until I read the concert brochure about 6 or 7 years ago at a concert at Wolf Trap. (Dear God, I’m old, I saw Billy Idol at Wolf Trap!)
It was a great concert; just a bare bones set, but he did all his hits with energy and conviction. When he first came out, he did a strip tease to lose his white silk shirt and switch to a black leather vest (to match the black leather pants). He is still incredibly sexy. After the strip tease, he ran out on stage right and posed with a fist pump and flexed his abs for people to take pictures. After a moment, he ran to stage left and posed and flexed while the flashes went off. It was a perfect acknowledgment of the nostalgia his concert represented, done with humor. After the concert was over, I forgot about him again.
Until…I came across his autobiography “Dancing With Myself”. Apparently, he wrote it without a ghost writer. Hell, yes, I had to read this! So, last weekend, I put the “Very Best of Billy Idol” on the stereo and sat down to read it. It is a great read, but somewhat uneven. He does a fantastic job of creating a sense of time and place in the early chapters discussing his time in Generation X and first arrival in the U.S. The best part is getting a sense of what a fan he was – he was so excited to play on stages where he had watched acts. The discussions about how he wrote the songs and what they meant is fun. Once he can afford drugs everyday, (I was high and did something stupid), it does become a little boring.
But, once I finished it, I was left with the conviction that Billy Idol is the greatest performance artist ever. Better even than Trump. I mean, he did name the book for his masturbation song, which is hilarious and punk as fuck. When discussing the writing of the song, he never mentions masturbation. Instead, he says it was based on seeing Japanese teenagers dance with their own reflections. Uh, huh. Fourteen year old me and my friends knew exactly what that song was about. So, I’m not convinced that he is a reliable narrator. I mean, Billy, we’ve heard the song, and from reading the book, he is too smart for that. So, again hilarious.
From the beginning of the book, it’s clear that his goal is to become a rock star. He mentions watching and discussing performance artists, while perfecting his own performance. The music that gets him there is secondary, despite the book’s focus on writing the music. His real goal is to be a rock star. His first meeting with Steve Stevens focused on what it means to be a rock star and only secondarily on what kind of music he wants to play.
His ultimate approach though, is to become a parody of a rock star. His very name – Idol – is all about parodying the idea of a rock star. And, he has always been a caricature or parody. The leather, the hair, the first pumping, the sex, the drugs. It can only be explained as parody. Don’t believe me? Watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvTaDn03qtQ (preferably with the sound off – any 80s video with the sound off is hilarious). Not only is he parodying being a rock star, he is parodying himself being a rock star and laughing while he does it. I mean, c’mon, the cunnilingus thing, the humping Steve Stevens. Seen that way, this video is an absolutely brilliant performance. Too bad he bought into his own performance and completely descended into sex, drugs, and rock and roll as if he were a Roman emperor.
I’ve seen a lot of reviews of this book that talk about how he didn’t hold back and how sensitive it is[1]. My take is different. My first thought on finishing the book was, “Christ, what an asshole!” Yes, he’s careful to not throw other people under the bus. He’s still an asshole. If, every few pages you detail an example of how you were an asshole, you’re an asshole – drugs or not. Finally, despite being a brilliant performance artist, I see him as an essentially shallow man who wrote an essentially shallow memoir.
Fifteen year old Tulip would have given anything to meet Billy Idol. She would have dropped to her knees and blown him and done anything else he asked. Such is the power of celebrity and image. Today’s Tulip looks back and thinks…ick, not enough Lysol in the world. Unless, of course, my view of him as the ultimate performance artist is correct. Then, I want to smoke a joint with him, and maybe meet John Lydon[2].
On my stereo or on a stage, I like him just fine, but I have zero interest in meeting or fucking him. I give his autobiography 4 out of 5 stars for the fantastic nostalgia trip it gave me and recommend it to any other child of the eighties.
[1]Even a review on Amazon that mentions his respect for women. Whaaaa??? Did we read the same book?
[2]Interestingly, there are a lot of people who insist Billy Idol was never punk, just a hanger-on. Johnny Rotten isn’t one of them.
Our story begins with Mel waking up in the tattoo parlor where she got beaned last week, Jada (previously known as Patchouli Hobo) standing over her. Mel’s like, “What do you want with me?” Jada’s like, “You’re the one who broke in, remember?” Mel recovers from her temporary amnesia and snarks at Jada that the Sarcana should rethink their recruitment methods if they think knocking new members unconscious with a 2×4 is an appropriate initiation tactic.
Maggie, on the other hand, thinks it’s a perfectly appropriate initiation tactic. She says as much when the scene switches over to Mel reporting back to her sisters and Harry. She also warns Mel against letting them do anything like make her eat Oreos until she pukes. Who wrote this? Come on, people, these are FRATERNITY initiation tactics! You could never get away with shit like this under National Panhellenic Conference rules. And let’s be real, all this stuff is the sort of crap guys would think of. Girls are bitchy to each other but they don’t get thrills out of watching each other barf.
Anyway, Harry warns Mel again that the Sarcana are terrorists and that this is an extremely dangerous mission that she should think twice about accepting. They are also pros at mind games—she could be seduced! Mel tells Harry that he’s being hysterical.
Harry: “I beg your pardon, hysteria? Is it quite necessary to use that anti-feminist term?”
(Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)
Suddenly the scene changes and we’re in Bucharest. Wait, Bucharest? Yes, you read that right. After spending the first seven episodes of this show in a tiny town that no one’s ever heard of and never branching beyond its borders, we’ve become globetrotters over the last two: Freyers Township or whatever, and now Bucharest. Wow.
Anyway, there’s this big old cathedral with a skeleton reposing in a glass sarcophagus before the altar. I forgot how weird European churches can be. Connerparkerdemon and his Demon Brother come beaming in through the stained glass and smoking in through the vents and stuff, because just walking through the door isn’t good enough for demon royalty.
They approach the skeleton, St. Dragos. St. Drogo? No, St. Dragos. The saint is all dressed up with a crown and lots of jewelry, including a big pendant with a white stone on it: The Amulet of the Archangels. Demon Brother tells the skeleton that they’ve come to relieve him of his bling (RDA). Connerparkerdemon phases through the glass and removes the pendant, which isn’t clasped or anything, perfect for easy thieving.
An Orthodox priest comes running in just then, waving a stick and screeching “INFERI!!!” The demons prepare to Do Battle. The priest uses his stick to blast them backwards and begins performing a spell to open what appears to be a gateway to Tartarus. So I guess the Moon Stick isn’t the only key! Why Mr. Walton didn’t think of that when he was all pissed off about Jada getting the Moon Stick, I don’t know. Could it be that the writers are coming up with this crap as they go?
“Well I mean PieInTheSky said it was the greatest city in the world”
Demon Brother makes a running leap, jumps over the opening to the gateway and tackles the priest. The priest drops his staff, closing the portal. Demon Brother begins choking the priest to death, and Connerparkerdemon tells him to let the priest go, as they have the amulet now. They argue about CPD’s human side, but finally Demon Brother acquiesces and agrees to let the priest live. CPD actually believes him and just leaves. Demon Brother picks up the priest’s staff and stabs him through the throat with it, then takes the staff for his own.
The scene switches and suddenly it’s Christmas! Snow is gently falling just outside the window, the first flurry we’ve seen so far in MICHIGAN. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that it will be the last sign of snow we see in the entire series until next Christmas. There will be no 20-foot snow drifts or lake-effect blizzards in any of the upcoming episodes. What was the reason we decided to have this town be in Michigan and not California, again?
Anyway, as Harry and Mel decorate the tree, Maggie brings them a concoction called ḉóqúít́ố. It’s like eggnog, but MUCH better because it’s ethnic. Harry says if he has to try her culture’s foods, she has to try his, and gives her some of his homemade fruitcake. She gags because White Man Food is gross, unlike eggnog with coconut, which sounds much better.
WHITE MAN FOOD BAD! BROWN WOMAN FOOD GOOD! EVEN WHITE MAN SEE!
Six minutes into the episode, Macy appears out of nowhere to tell us they found the driver who hit Friendzone. Oh yeah! I killed Friendzone by sheer strength of will at the end of the last episode! Except Macy informs us that he luckily escaped with just a broken leg. Goddammi—
Mel and Maggie theorize that since the driver was drunk and had two prior DUIs on his record, maybe the accident was just a coincidence and had nothing to do with the mark that suddenly we know Friendzone’s grandma put on him which was the obvious conclusion but since Harry and Macy jumped to a different one in that episode it became really confusing when everyone just suddenly knew his grandma had done it. Macy decides to call Miss Cleo Mama Roz, whose phone number she suddenly has, and find out more information.
Maggie the Millennial checks her phone and tells the sisters that Ray is on his way. Who? Oh, no one important. Just Mel and Maggie’s father.
???
I guess I just assumed that the identity of their father would be a mystery because wasn’t it in the original show? But no, this guy is just a deadbeat dad. They call him by his first name to show off what a deadbeat they find him to be. Maggie the Gullible Millennial still has hope they can have a good relationship now, 15 years after he abandoned them, though. That’s why she invited him to the Vera-Vera-Vaughn family Christmas! He will definitely come and not stand them up.
Macy comments how odd it is that they call him by his first name, since her own father (you know, who raised her??) was always called ‘Dad.’ Maybe because he raised you?
And while we’re on the subject of your dad, Macy, I have some questions—is he your birth father or were you adopted? If he was your birth father, why do you keep saying your mother “gave you up” instead of just assuming that your dad got sole custody? If he was your birth father, why did he and your mother split up? Did he know she was a witch? Is he the reason for the non-melanin-related “darkness” within you? Well? Speak up—
Never mind that, back to Mel and Maggie’s deadbeat! He left them the day after Maggie’s fifth birthday! He’s the literal worst!
The doorbell rings. It’s Friendzone, fresh from the hospital! Macy doesn’t know whether it’s safe to go near him, so she asks Harry to distract him with ḉóqúít́ố. On his way in the door, Friendzone tries to ambush Macy with mistletoe. This ends with him slipping on a banana peel and falling on his ass, courtesy of the mark. Good times are had by all.
Lest you think I was kidding
Meanwhile, over at the Generic Science Lab, Mrs. Walton (Macy and Friendzone’s boss) is talking to her son, Connerparkerdemon. I had basically suspected that she was Mr. Walton’s wife or ex-wife since she’s a high-up at WalDemon, but this is the first episode where it’s actually confirmed. She’s taken the three samples of Charmed One blood that they’ve collected over the last several episodes and run tests on them, confirming that the Charmed Ones’ powers could indeed be used to create a cure for Connerparkerdemon’s Affliction. The cure would kill his human half, making him pure demon. Connerparkerdemon isn’t convinced that the tradeoff of losing his human side would be worth it, but Mrs. Walton is like, “DAMMIT, YOU’RE MY SON, YOU MUST LIVE!”
She urges Connerparkerdemon to take the Amulet of the Archangels he and his brother procured in Bucharest (how did they get there and home so fast? Is everyone in this show able to apparate except the sisters?) and give it to Maggie. Since she’s the empath, if she wears it long enough, it will drain all three of their powers, because logic. As their powers drain, the stone will turn black; but if she takes it off before their powers have completely drained, their powers will return. Connerparkerdemon’s like waaaah I don’t want to hurt Maggie! Mrs. Walton’s like it won’t hurt her, just take away her magic. Connerparkerdemon’s like ☹
Meanwhile, over at the Walton Lair, Mr. Walton is discussing the current state of affairs with Demon Brother. It turns out the reason Mr. Walton wants a cure for Connerparkerdemon has nothing to do with familial affection—apparently there’s some kind of prophecy that when the apocalypse happens, the Source of All Evil will take a demon born of a human as his vessel. Mr. Walton believes that the prophecy refers to Connerparkerdemon, and if they can get rid of his human side, then the Source will possess him after they free it and Mr. Walton will be able to RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Back at the house, Harry is doing a very excellent job of distracting Friendzone with completely heterosexual dialogue such as, “How do you like the tree? The balls are very well spaced,” and, when Friendzone asks where Macy is, “That little lady is in the kitchen cooking up a storm, so don’t even think about dragging her away from that stove.” (Real Dialogue Alert: I didn’t make any of that up.)
Mel heads off to a pledge meeting for her sorority—my, how the tables have turned! As she heads out the door, Connerparkerdemon strolls in, laden with PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
Because it’s typical to give your Christmas gifts in bags that say GAP on them rather than “Seasons Greetings” or “Ho Ho Ho”
Connerparkerdemon gives Maggie her gift and urges her to open it now. She adequately fawns over the amulet, which he claims he picked up at a vintage boutique, which men are known to shop at, and helps her put it on. He also shows her the gift he got for the mysterious Ray, who’s “in Japan for the year” (is… he a professor too? Maggie said he was driving from Minneapolis earlier?): a chess set inspired by Japanese netsuke carvings. See, shit like this is why I hated this douchebag before we found out he was a demon and he automatically became interesting. Maggie says she doesn’t deserve him because he’s too perfect. Connerparkerdemon’s like ☹
Over at the tattoo parlor, the witch sorority is like, BOOM SHAKA LAKA! And Mel gets a magic tattoo on her wrist, no bloodletting required. As the initiation ceremony is completed, a bunch of crows appear and fly around the room. CROWS, YOU SAY?
Five minutes later, she’s back at the house and telling Harry all about it. The crows + the Lichtenberg figures clearly = Jada killed Dead Hippie Mom. Harry seems convinced. Macy comes bursting out of the kitchen like BITCH WAT U DOIN UR SUPPOSED TO BE DISTRACTING FRIENDZONE AND PLYING HIM WITH ¡ȻỐQỪỈTỢS! Harry’s like calm your tits, Connerparkerdude’s distracting him! Macy peeks in on them chatting and when they do the bro high five-handshake thing that guys do, CPD collapses in pain while Friendzone’s cowrie shell mark glows. Maggie assumes CPD’s just losing his powers again, but having seen the mark, Macy knows otherwise. She rushes outside to give Mama Roz a call, because I guess the house has bad cell reception or something who knows.
Much cold, very snow. Realistic fog from mouth.
Mama Roz tells Macy that if the mark caused CPD to have that reaction, it’s a sign that he’s a magical being with a strong evil energy inside him, most likely a demon. Macy gets off the phone to warn her sisters, but is CLUBBED OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL! So Mags Visaggio is a writer on this show? Because there’s a lot of blunt force trauma to the head going on here.
The perpetrator, Demon Brother, drags her into the garden shed and ties her to a chair with zip ties. Ah, bondage. He then takes her form and tries to go back into the house. Unfortunately, his demonic energy is so much stronger than CPD’s that Friendzone’s mark just NOPEs and repels him straight out of the house as soon as he set foots in the door.
Mel comes running to see what happened and find “Macy” flat out on the ground. She asks “Macy” what happened, and “Macy” tells her that Mama Roz said that Friendzone’s mark is malfunctioning, which is a thing that makes sense, and that it’s hurting people who are innocent, so they need to take it off him. “Macy” gives Mel a spell that “Mama Roz” “gave” “her” that is supposed to remove the mark. It’s a potion which can be mixed into the ḉóqúít́ố. Mel mixes it up and gives it to Friendzone who’s like, “Oh geez, not more of this shit, please,” as Mel pins him down on the couch and shouts, “DRINK, BITCH.”
(Dialogue Alert: Some of that was real, you get to figure out which for yourselves.)
After Friendzone has imbibed, Mel returns to report to “Macy.” “Macy” says the best way to test out whether it worked or not is to snuggle up to her man and see if she can get a little stocking stuffer tonight. I… think Demon Brother is gay? He keeps over-the-top flirting with other males while in female form, including his BROTHER which was eww. Anyway, Mel is like, “Whoa, Macy, you’re not seriously thinking of losing your virginity tonight, are you?” Guess there was definitely no deflowering on Halloween, then. Demon Brother is like dafuq at this revelation, but plays it off like lol jk and they go into the house.
At first Friendzone was like WTF, but then he went, “You know, it’s been a week since I got any, I won’t look a gift pussy in the mouth.”
In the dining room, Maggie and Connerparkerdemon are admiring the Victorian ice skating figurines that Maggie has set up on the table. Maggie complains that Mel hates it and won’t ever let her put the whole set out, because “All the figurines are super white and conforming to traditional gender roles.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.) At those words, Connerparkerdemon begins to die of consumption. I know, CPD, I know.
Maggie frets over him and asks if he brought his meds. CPD tells her that he’s supposed to be starting a new regimen, one that could cure him, but he’s worried about the side effects: they may make him feel like a different person. Maggie says that anything personality-altering sounds like bad news and maybe he shouldn’t take it. CPD says he doesn’t want to but his family is pushing it on him. Maggie says it’s just because they love him and want to save him. CPD laments that none of them care what he wants. Maggie says she’ll always listen to him. They undress one another with their eyes as the amulet turns from white to black.
Mel sees the amulet change and her eyes bug out. Still suspicious of CPD after the incident with Friendzone’s mark earlier, she drags Maggie upstairs and asks her what the meaning of this necklace is. Maggie suggests that maybe it’s a moodstone. It sure is gaudy enough to be one. Maggie gets mad that Mel is implying CPD is a demon, because the additional implication is that Maggie is so stupid that she’s been reading his thoughts for months and hasn’t noticed yet.
Well… hon…
Just then, her phone dings—a text from their dad telling them “lol just kidding I’m not coming.” He said he was on his way and then he lol jk’ed? Maggie runs away yelling at Mel that she’s always right. Connerparkerdemon runs after her to console her. They embrace in her room as she confesses that Mel always treats her like she’s stupid and naïve. She asks him about the necklace and he reiterates that he got it at a vintage shop and that it probably is a mood necklace. He promises to never hurt her, and while they mack, he unhooks the necklace and slips it into his pocket. As soon as he takes it off her, the stone turns white again. Mel, watching from the doorway like a peeping tom, sees the stone change, which makes her Even More Suspicious.
“You are my queen, now and always.”
She runs to go tell “Macy,” who, being in actuality Demon Brother, now knows that CPD betrayed them by taking the necklace off. Meanwhile, in the garden shed, real Macy has regained consciousness and is trying to get the gag out of her mouth with her telekinesis. As Mel and Harry formulate a plan with “Macy,” the real Macy succeeds in removing her gag and calls Harry. Harry goes, “Macy, I hear you calling me, but you’re right here?” Demon Brother realizes the jig is up and attacks Harry. He hurls him through the attic window—that’s the second time that window’s had someone hurled through it—and pursues him down to the garden.
Macy calls Harry again, and he apparates away from Demon Brother and into the shed to free the real Macy. Mel and Maggie, meanwhile, run into the garden and find “Harry” there. Now begins the hijinks of “who’s the real So-and-So?!” as Demon Brother shapeshifts from person to person. These shenanigans are brought to an end when Connerparkerdemon runs out, sees what’s going on, and charges his brother. They get into an “epic” fight (bearing in mind this show’s budget), with the two of them shifting back and forth into their shadow and smoke forms.
Demon Brother temporarily stuns CPD and barrels toward Mel. Mel tries to freeze him but has just about as much luck as she did when she tried it before. Just then, the magical tattoo she got from the witch sorority starts glowing, and a murder of crows swarm in and attack Demon Brother, driving him away. Mel realizes that the crows came to protect her, and wonders if the crows that were in the house the night their mom died weren’t the accomplices of the murderer, but rather had come to protect her, too.
Anyway, Demon Brother is gone and now everyone knows that Connerparkerdemon is the shadow demon who stole the Moon Stick from them a few episodes ago. He says he can explain, and then kidnaps Maggie so he can explain, because that’s how we do things on this show. If someone needs to do some ’splainin, they kidnap the person who needs the ’splainin to. He takes her to some snowy gazebo where he tells her The Whole Story. Maggie is like “zomg you lied to me! I’m just as naïve as Mel said I was! I never want to speak to you again!” and runs back to the house.
Such effects on this show
Maggie pouts a little bit to her sisters and Harry about CPD’s betrayal, but they don’t get much time to recoup before Demon Brother is BACK. He comes down the chimney in his smoke form like Santa Claus, Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho. He’s like u bitchez gon die bc u cut mah pretty face (No, really) (Gay), but is stopped in his tracks when Connerparkerdemon materializes with the Orthodox priest’s staff in his hand. He uses the staff to open the portal to Tartarus. Or, at least, that’s what he TRIES to do, but he starts coughing his damn brains out in the middle of the spell.
The three sisters run to support CPD and perform the spell for him. The portal to Tartarus opens, sucking Demon Brother in… and sucking the staff and Harry in, too! Harry dangles on the precipice for a single instant before murmuring, “Fly, you fools,” and disappearing into the fiery bowels, the floor sealing closed after him.
As the girls stand there staring aghast at the floor where once there was a hole where once there was Harry, Friendzone awkwardly clears his throat behind them. Whoops, forgot about him, didn’t you? He’s apparently been sitting there the whole time and no one noticed. Essentially his role on this entire show.
“What the hell?” he asks.
What the hell indeed, Friendzone!
Fin.
Overall thoughts: Damn, I was hoping Friendzone would be leaving the show soon, not becoming more important!
Okay, so first things first. We established last time that whoever is writing this is a weeb Sailor Moon fan, right? Good, because that’s the only possible explanation for the opening of this episode. With no prelude or explanation whatsoever, for some reason this episode starts out with the girls in some other city that’s not Hilltowne, chasing around the Patchouli Bag Lady who stole the Moon Stick. The Sailor Guardians hurl some magic at the lightning youma, but she’s too fast for them, so they give up and go home. Seriously. They just LEAVE.
All right.
As soon as the sisters take off, Patchouli Hobo apparates back in and, with the coast clear, plunges the Moon Stick into the ground. Guess she’s opening the door to Tartarus after all! Too bad she was too swift and clever for this trio of witches who are supposed to be the most powerful and undefeatable sorceresses of all time. The ground splits open and the Moon Stick breaks back into three pieces as a zombie hand emerges from the earth.
むさぼれば 美しいしかばね それでも
Now that we’re all totally confused, the episode begins in earnest! Back at the house, Harry and Charity are looking at a broken rock on the table. Harry tells the girls that if this lodestone is broken, that means the Moon Stick is broken too. I… did I skip an episode somewhere? Where did the lodestone come from?
Charity informs the girls that the broken lodestone = broken Moon Stick = a demon must have been released from Tartarus, but they don’t know which one it was. However, whoever it is can most assuredly be assumed to be The Supreme Evilest (*cough* Trump *cough*), so the girls need to be ready to fight. They will have a window where the demon is weakened from its imprisonment in Tartarus, so if they want to defeat it, they’ll have to move fast.
Harry and Charity flirt, everyone gags, Mel tells Charity she’s been researching electricity demons who can teleport and hasn’t found anything, Harry acts surprised that Patchouli Hobo was able to teleport, I am even more confused because he saw her do it, right? He said that only Whitelighters could do that and it was all like ooooh evil Whitelighter, remember? Is there a gas leak in here?
Since I guess there’s not an imminent crisis or whatever, Macy heads off to work and Maggie heads to an internship recruitment meeting. Some fucking weird-ass hipster whistle music ironically twees at us while two yuppie Pinoys tell Maggie and a group of rapt millennials about their new dating app, which sounds like it’s exactly the same as other dating apps (it works using algorithms!), but it’s special and different and will help you find your one true love. You see, since Maggie has found her one true love in the form of a demon princeling, she wants to spread her happiness and is therefore interning with this company to… get her sisters laid, I think? Anyway, whoever refers the most new customers to the app gets to go to Chicago for some kind of seminar or something over the summer, and Maggie is all about that because Connerparkerdemon’s dad, CEO of the WalDemon, has a branch in Chicago, so they can spend a loving summer in the city.
Connerparkerdemon’s dad has other plans, though. He wants some of that sweet, sweet Charmed One blood, and the easiest way to do that is to employ all three sisters so he can mandate a blood test. Thus Connerparkerdemon suggests to Maggie that she instead come work with him at WalDemon this summer, so that they can make out during their breaks and for no other reason whatsoever. Maggie, a waman making her own way in the world, declines. It’s on to Plan B, then!
Back at WalDemon headquarters, Connerparkerdemon is getting a thorough dressing down from Mr. Walton. Why are you such a failure, blah blah. While he yells at him, Connerparkerdemon is overcome by a fit of tuberculosis. I guess that rare autoimmune disease thing from last episode wasn’t a lie after all. Since he’s half demon and half human, his halves are trying to kill each other, so he really is dying. WalDemon has been using their epigenetic whatevers to produce a serum that he injects to keep himself alive for however long. Apparently the reason Mr. Walton is trying to get Charmed One blood is to make a Better Cure that will keep Connerparkerdemon from dying. This seems uncharacteristically caring of him. Anyway, Connerparkerdude’s dying-ness makes for a brilliant Plan B. But more on that later.
Every good father knows the best way to get your child to stop coughing is to beat it out of them
Meanwhile, somewhere… for some reason… two gay dudes are on a date. They met each other on Maggie’s dating app and it was twu wuv at first sight. Isn’t it so sweet, this young love? Until it turns out that one of them is a demon and HE EATS THE OTHER ONE’S FACE! HOW’S THAT FOR TWU WUV?
Back at the house, Charity and Harry are flirting while the underemployed grad school dropout Mel sits on the couch “researching” things in the Book of Shadows, because today it’s a book that actually has to be read rather than just “magical Siri give me the answer.” Her studying is interrupted by a Google news alert on her phone reporting the disappearance of the gay dude whose face got ate. He disappeared in [Whatever Fucking City that isn’t Hilltowne from the Beginning]! That’s where we lost Patchouli Hobo! Let’s roll out!
They get to the crime scene and Mel freezes time. They help themselves to rubber gloves from the police’s stash, and Charity explains to Mel that they need to determine whether the incident was demonic or human in nature. If it’s a normal human crime, they would back away and leave it to the police; their jurisdiction only covers supernatural crime.
Mel, apparently trying to fill the void Niko left in her life by becoming a junior crimestopper, is incensed. Shouldn’t they be using their powers to help everyone?! Charity points out that if they used their powers to deal with human crime over a planet with seven billion people, it would leave them no time to deal with the demons who would just kill all the humans anyway. Mel ignores her and starts snooping in the back of the missing gay guy’s car. There she finds glowing blue… stink bug carcasses? Honestly, I can’t really tell, but it’s insectoid in nature. Cue Harry flipping out like a little girl.
As they leave the crime scene, they are watched by a homeless woman using a storm drain as her toilet. Oh, I mean by Patchouli Hobo.
Back at the house, Macy is discussing her lack of social life with Maggie. Macy believes that being a workaholic is the best way for her to have an amazing career. Maggie tells her she needs to “shake that gorgeous hair of yours out” and live a little.
AND THEN SHE TOUCHES MACY’S HAIR AND MACY DROPS EVERYTHING TO GIVE HER A LECTURE ABOUT HOW YOU DO NOT TOUCH BLACK WOMAN HAIR
NO, I’M NOT KIDDING, SHE SERIOUSLY DOES
TO HER OWN SISTER
Finally this show remembers that it’s supposed to be Woke Charmed
With that educational moment out of the way, Maggie suggests Macy sign up for her dating app, telling her that if she gets the most signups she gets to go to Chicago for the summer. Macy has a sad because she wants to have a sister summer. Weren’t you just screaming at her not to touch your sacred black woman hair?
Macy guilts her that she’s not allowed to leave her sisters because they can’t use the Power of Three without her. Maggie points out that Chicago is only a two hour drive away, and if it’s an emergency, Harry can apparate her. Macy says they can’t keep doing that to him because it makes him sick. I honestly thought they weren’t going to bring that up again ever, since it was just a throwaway line in the Belinda Carlisle episode, but I guess it is supposed to be important.
Over at the bar that didn’t exist until two episodes ago, Mel is taking out the trash, and, wonder of wonder, encounters Patchouli Hobo Dumpster diving. PH throws a lightning bolt at her; Mel freezes time to stop the lightning before it can hit her. PH flirts with her in the style of Garrus Vakarian, all reach and flexibility. Mel demands to know who she is. PH informs her that her name is Jada Pinkett-Smith and she’s here to recruit Mel for the Sarcana—short for Sisters of Arcana—an elite organization of witch mercenaries.
Mel is dubious that Jada is a witch and not a demon. Jada explains that she’s actually half witch, half Whitelighter, which is apparently Forbidden™. Thus, the Elders have tried to wipe her out of existence, but she’s managed to stay one step ahead of them with the help of the rogue witches in the Sarcana. Mel asks if she’s been killing the Elders, including her mother, because of their stance on Whitelighter/witch halfbreeds. Jada tells her that Dead Hippie Mom was secretly an ally of the Sarcana, and urges her again to join them and use her Charmed One powers to do good. She points out that the Sarcana help all of humankind, not just the magical ones, so if Mel were to join the Sarcana, she could fulfill her dreams of becoming Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Witch.
Jada leaves Mel with instructions to look for a spell on page 672 of the Book of Shadows, the Désénnnmáscárrrrrrárrrrrrrrrrrr spell. She helped Dead Hippie Mom write the spell, so if it’s there, it will be proof to Mel that Jada is telling the truth. She also gives Mel a shard of the Moon Stick so that it can’t be reassembled, as further proof of her loyalty. She tells Mel that she used it to free a witch who had been wrongly imprisoned by the Elders. She warns Mel that, Charmed or no, if she breaks the wrong rule, she could be the next to end up in Tartarus. Then she swishes her cape and swoops out.
Mel races straight back to the house and blurts everything out to Charity, because that seems wise. Charity is like, “That’s not possible. I mean, we killed the Sarcana.” LMAO you’re really helping your case there, Charity. But they’re terrorists, you see. They practice illicit magic in order to carry out vigilante justice. They don’t follow law and order at all. Very bad, very naughty. Mel asks how Jada could have known about the Désénnnmáscárrrrrrárrrrrrrrrrrr spell if she were lying. Charity says because the Sarcana were founded by a rogue Elder who used to have possession of the Book of Shadows. Mel hrrmmmms.
Meanwhile, Macy has caved and signed up for Maggie’s dating app. She’s not convinced she’s going to have any luck, though, because “studies have unanimously found that black women and Asian men are not only the least swiped on, they’re the least matched,” and on the off chance she did match with someone, “I’d likely be fetishized by those matches, and the last thing I want is some guy I just met telling me how exotic I am and how cute our babies will be.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)
Finally! Bring me the wokeness!
Later, Charity is sitting outside all contemplatively. Harry comes out and tries to make out with her, but she says no—their love was a mistake, cursed, never meant to be. All right then. Harry’s balls a bright shade of neon blue, they then reminisce about her dead sister, who I guess was the one that Harry was the guardian for who blabbed her secret and got thrown in the loony bin and then committed suicide (from episode 3).
Over at the Generic Science Lab, Friendzone is crying softly in his cubicle. Looks like Summer wasn’t so Endless after all! Seriously, what was the purpose of that plot point? Anyway, Friendzone is single again and isn’t happy about it. He’s all snappy at Macy, who is not here for being spoken to that way by penises. She says, quote, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but let me be clear: There’s no version of this relationship where you ever get to talk to me like that.” (She asked him where his reports were and he told her that he’d already emailed them to her. But he said it in a mad-sounding voice.)
The penis promptly bows down and begs forgiveness, which she benevolently bestows, as she is in a charitable mood today. He tells her she’s basically amazing and doing a fantastic job. She nods graciously.
Casual Haitian flag in the pencil cup, in case you forgot
At home, Maggie urges Macy to take advantage of Friendzone’s newfound singleness to “climb him like a tree.” Meow. Macy insists that ship has sailed, and also reminds her of the cowrie shell protection mark on him: “The one his grandma put on him.” Wait, what? I thought the last time we talked about this, you and Harry decided you’d put it on him yourself with your Afrocarribbean magic? Or something? I really feel like I’ve missed an episode, or perhaps the writer of this episode did.
Anyway, now Macy wants to take advantage of the new Asian guy who matched with her on the dating app—after all, since they’re both the bottom of the barrel, they can trust each other or something. This show is so anti-racist that it’s honestly kind of racist.
Maggie heads off for her own date with Connerparkerdemon. They’re eating WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT
I don’t even want to know what this is
Over the course of one episode Maggie has apparently forgotten that she’s vegan and is now happily munching on what the actual fuck. We are distracted from this atrocity when Connerparkerdemon begins “losing his powers”. He runs to the bathroom to try to regain his composure. There, he is felt up by the waitress. Oh, I mean his brother the shapeshifter, pretending to be the waitress. That makes it less gross, definitely.
Demon Brother, previously known as FBI Agent Demon Guy, informs Connerparkerdemon that he’s here to ensure he stays on task. He can’t be distracted by Maggie’s feminine wiles. He can’t fall for the witch, dammit, a demon could never fall in love with a witch! He may be half human, but Demon Bro knows that inside, he’s a true demon. This dialogue is so hamfisted, I’m telling you what. It can be really hard to keep a straight face watching this.
Anyway, “losing his powers” at the dinner table made for a great excuse to get Maggie’s blood. When he returns, she asks if he’s okay, and he says that he’s been feeling sicker recently because he’s supposed to get a plasma transfusion but they haven’t been able to find a matching donor. Maggie volunteers to be tested to see if she’s a match for him, which conveniently gives the Waltons access to her blood. Hook, line, and sinker.
Meanwhile, another innocent couple (this one hetero) is on a date, marveling over how they found their perfect match on Maggie’s dating app. Wait a second—isn’t that the gay guy? He’s not gay anymore? He’s bi? It doesn’t matter, HE’S EATING HER FACE! NOM NOM NOM!
Definitely less gross than whatever Connerparkerdemon and Maggie were having for dinner.
Back at the house, Mel is having a crisis of spirit while Harry whimpers to himself about insect demons. When Mel mentions to Harry that she’s having second thoughts about Jada, Harry tells her that Charity’s sister who died (Fiona) had apparently been tricked by the Sarcana into revealing herself and was then abandoned by them. He warns Mel that they’re ruthless and he doesn’t want another of his charges to end up dead. Mel whatevers him and changes the subject.
At some other restaurant, Macy is on her date with the Asian guy and the two of them are commiserating about being statistically the least desirable members of humanity. This show is definitely not racist. Macy is attracted to his admission of unattractiveness. He thanks her for not being racist. (No, really, RDA.) But I think this entire episode just proved that she is? Anyway, no matter, he escorts her to her car, they kiss, and YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
Oh, so the perfectly nice Asian dude is a demon? I see how it is.
Back at the house, Maggie has returned from her date just in time to find Mel and Harry discovering a lead in the Book of Shadows: the demon who made the missing gay guy go missing was likely a cicada demon, and the things they found in the back of his car were pieces of exoskeleton. This demon appears every 17 years, taking human hosts to mate with before going dormant again for another 17 years. The last time it awoke, three Hilltowne University students disappeared.
Um, a lot more than three have disappeared this time.
Maggie takes a look at the list of missing people and realizes that they’re all people she’s signed up for the dating app. Whoopsie! Realizing Macy must be next, they race to find her. But it’s too late—Macy is already caught up in their web. Their web? These are cicadas, not spiders…? No matter! Gross bug thing!
They decide to try heading down to the dating app’s headquarters. Once there, Mel freezes time so Maggie can read the employees’ minds without them resisting. They discover that the colony’s queen is holed up in the basement, preparing to lay her eggs in each of the stolen host bodies. Eww. Once there, they find all the missing people all caught up in web. Spiders…? Harry has a panic attack. Mel and Maggie push through and find most of the victims have already had eggs laid in their mouths. This is even grosser than it sounds.
While they retch and gag, they’re confronted by one of the two yuppie Pinoys who founded the app, now in full bug form with some truly excellent CGI. /sarc Mel gives him a good stab through the head. Now all that’s left is the Queen Pinay. They free Macy, who’s dazed because the venom was pretty strong. Spiders…? As she recovers, Queen Pinay descends on her web. Spi—
Ella from Camp Rock sure has changed!
They cast the banishing spell. It doesn’t work. IT NEVER WORKS. Queen Pinay starts making the room get really hot, which is apparently something bees can do. Bees now?? No matter; Macy uses her telekinesis to bring a heavy object down on her, because everyone knows the easiest way to kill a bug is by smashing it.
So did everyone else who got kidnapped die, too? This isn’t made clear. They did get their faces et, but I mean so did Macy and somehow she’s fine.
The sisters return to their house, where Maggie announces that she’s decided against going to Chicago this summer—this near death experience made her realize she could lose her sisters at any times, and you know. Hos before bros and all.
To an extent, at least, because the next order of business is to try to make Macy/Friendzone happen. AGAIN. Macy resolves to give him a call and try to work around the cowrie shell mark that whoever put on him.
The next day at work, Mel is taking the trash out again. At least, I think she’s at work? I don’t know where else it would be, but they’re suddenly using a much larger cityscape stock photo for their lead shots, so I can’t tell Hilltowne from Freyersville or whatever the fuck now. Anyway, in the alley, some dude in a ski mask is mugging some woman. Mel starts to use her powers, then thinks better of it and goes running in to try to stop him the human way. She’s interrupted by Jada, who just tasers the dude with her lightning power and then uses her Whitelighter power to wipe the woman’s mind. How convenient! Whitelighters and witches definitely shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Such forbidden.
Jada tells Mel off for not stopping him herself. Mel argues that she was going to, the human way. Jada snarks that she’s kowtowing to the Elders, and when she’s ready to make a real difference—silence that stretches out about 5 seconds too long and veers into squirming discomfort territory—to come find her. Before she apparates out, Mel notices a tattoo on her hand that surely has some deeper meaning.
Mel rushes to Harry’s office, where we find a poster on the wall which asserts, Women’s Rights Are Human Rights. Once there, she summons Charity, telling her she needs to talk to her about what’s really going on with the Elders. Charity is like, “We were just about to summon you!” and leads Mel through a portal to WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
If this doesn’t give you nightmares, zoom in on it
So it turns out the Elders are actually made up of a bunch of department store mannequins with a variety of ethnic hairstyles. This is normal. Charity assures Mel that their faces have been strategically blurred by the production team of Cops in order to protect their anonymity, since someone’s gunning for them and whoever that someone is can’t tell who they are just from the fact that they’re radiating magical energy or whatever.
Mel asks the Elders for more information about the Sarcana. Charity tells her that the Sarcana are tricking her by pretending to care about innocent people; the Elder Council protects the world, whereas the Sarcana are only concerned with serving their own ends, and won’t hesitate to harm innocents if it suits their own causes. Mel asks if Charity is referring to her sister, Fiona. Charity says that yes, Fiona is an example.
She then tells Mel that the Elders have chosen her for a mission: they want her to act as a spy on the Sarcana.
Dun DUNNN
The scene switches to Maggie going to visit Connerparkerdemon to tell him she had the plasma testing that morning. She also tells him that Mel went with her for moral support and donated plasma as well; she figured if neither of them were a match for Connerparkerdemon, at least someone will get some help out of it.
Oh, Connerparkerdemon says cheerfully, someone out there will be helped very much wink wink nudge nudge.
Meanwhile, over at the bar that didn’t exist until two episodes ago, Macy is boozing up in preparation for asking Friendzone out. She gives him a call and asks him to come meet her. Being pussywhipped, he says he has a few things to finish up at the Generic Science Lab and then he’ll be right over.
Mel has copied down the tattoo she saw on Jada’s hand and tracked it down to a tattoo parlor for which it’s the logo. The tattoo parlor looks like the inside of Miss CleoMama Roz’s nail salon, but my sister said she thinks it’s supposed to be a different place and they just used the same set. Inside the darkened parlor, Mel uses the Désénnnmáscárrrrrrárrrrrrrrrrrr spell, which opens a hidden door. She passes through… and is viciously clubbed to unconsciousness by some woman wielding a two-by-four.
She hit her so hard she rolled like ten feet. Like a boss.
Jada comes running in like, “Whoa whoa whoa, what are you doing, she’s the one I was trying to recruit!”
Hey man, your invisible glowing mark tried to warn you!
Overall Thoughts: While not as severe as in the first couple episodes, there was some delicious woke in this episode. It seems like they’ve switched from Mel being the main purveyor of woke to it being Macy. I mentioned before that despite being the worst actress, they seem to be giving Mel the most plot, and Maggie and Macy are sort of filler (although Maggie’s getting a bit more actual plot now that CPD’s been revealed to be a demon). She also is the top-billed one, which is odd because I don’t think any of these actresses have ever been in anything before. However, as mentioned previously, Mel’s actress is the only actual Latina one, so maybe that’s why.
Anyway! I think the ending of this episode is proof that I’m the real witch. I managed to kill Friendzone with my words alone. Maybe my sister and I will turn out to have a secret third sister, and then we’ll be the true Charmed Ones, destined to bring these pretenders down in a maelstrom. I can dream!
Once again, the corporate overlords at Inbev and their marketing wizards decided to try their hand at a premium lager. You might have noticed their targeted advertisements…on billboards… Much like last summer they put out a limited release to appeal to the more discerning, but unapologetically American crowd. All 300 of us….
This is my review of Budweiser Discovery Reserve American Red Lager
….that’s 40,000 gallons of Western Slope snowpack from the 1980’s
This time around they are commemorating a momentous occasion that has a significant anniversary this year…
No, not this guy.
Not these guys, either.
Its the 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11. Yes, the first moon landing is only 15 years away from qualifying for Medicare! Budweiser isn’t the only ones putting out special products to commemorate what is arguably America’s greatest achievement: landing cis-gendered men on a rock in space and bringing them back alive. Obvious companies such as Fisher and as Omega, are marking the occasion given their ties to the space program of the era. In addition, not so obvious companies like Zippo who makes a product that nobody on a spacecraft would be caught dead with. Montegrappa, who makes a fountain pen that retails for the price one could cross-shop with a pretty awesome car. Finally, the Royal Australian Mint is also jumping on the bandwagon with a commemorative piece to mark the occasion.
Okay, maybe the gold coin is worth the price given its tied to the price of gold…
Okay, I might get the space pen…
The moon landings and NASA in general seem to at odds with libertarian thought. On one hand, especially at the time, there was absolutely no commercial impetus for space travel. Today it is certainly a different story.
A popular argument for continued tax funding of NASA is the size of the overall budget. “It’s just 0.5% of the Federal Budget.” 0.5% of the $3.4 Trillion Federal Budget is $18.4 Billion that should be spent down here. “It only costs $54 per citizen to fund NASA.” It cost each citizen $0 for Space X to launch a sports car.
Musk estimated the cost of the space Tesla at $90 million, to which numerous people said “It would be better spent down here.” Funny how that number pales to the almost $20 billion a year and the $20 billion in failures for NASA. So many are willing to offer up other people’s money, but when it comes to our own tax dollars, the government never seems answerable.
With all the nostalgia for NASA taken into account, they really don’t need our tax dollars, just a fund raiser of private donations. For $1,000 NASA will name a star or planet after you, for a $1 million they will send your ashes up to rejoin the stars from whence we came, and for $1 billion they name the first Martian base after you.
Great. So my great-grandkids might die on Mars at the “Michael Bloomberg Center for Human Progress” at Olympus Mons. Even still, one could argue tax dollars are still paying for Space X, given they are applying today’s guidance systems to rockets perfected in the 1960’s…by NASA, and their biggest customer for the near future are still going to be…NASA and DOD.
That will certainly change. Private investment in space based start-ups have already reached billions, asteroid mining is only a few years away, and there are even space blockchains. A quick answer is of course no, there will be no need for NASA.
Once you leave a certain distance from Earth how is anybody going to be able to realistically regulate anything? Ventures in space will likely require levels of interpersonal cooperation between individuals we have not yet considered. I will however admit even if a government program costing billions of dollars may not have been needed to get us off this rock…ultimately that’s what initially did it. It is something else that can be added to the list of things better handled by people willing to risk their own fortunes. Its one thing for us all to fail miserably together on Earth, why do the same thing across the universe?
Too bad though, in spite of all the nostalgia surrounding the event being commemorated, the beer should be better. It is not terrible, but the Apollo Astronauts probably won’t trade their whiskey-based cocktails before launch for this. It is malty, almost too malty—even for me. It has little body and is otherwise best described as better than that other stuff they make.
I might get the pen. Budweiser Discovery Reserve American Red Lager 2.3/5
It’s the last Friday of the month which means it’s another What Are We Reading. And while the autographed and (concerningly) waterproof print copies of H&H Vol 1: It’s Probably Just a Fart… No, No, It Was Definitely A Trump Election count, keeping up on the latest H&H blog post does not–but it is VERY slimming.
OMWC
Of all the Founding Fathers, the least known was the most interesting. Gouverneur Morris had a withered arm from a childhood burn and a wooden leg from a carriage accident, yet still managed to penetrate every vagina that came within reach. He was a brilliant intellectual, a witty conversationalist in several languages, a deep thinker, and wildly undisciplined. Though James Madison generally gets the credit for the Constitution, the actual writing of it was mostly in Morris’s hands. “We The People of the United States…” is pure Morris. Gentleman Revolutionary is Richard Brookheiser’s somewhat brief but eminently readable biography. Morris’s death is somewhat truncated at the end, but I’ll do the spoiler and tell you about it anyway- he dies of an infection caused by his own attempts to remove a urinary blockage by means of reaming his peehole with a whalebone. With no anesthesia, of course. I hope you’re wincing as much as I am.
Robert Park is a physicist who taught at University of Maryland for many years before becoming Director of Public Information for the American Physical Society. His weekly What’s New columns were “don’t miss” reading for me, and were entertaining, educational, and often infuriating to their targets. Voodoo Science: The Road from Foolishness to Fraud was the first (and better) of his two books summarizing case studies in pseudoscience and junk science for fun and profit. One useful distinction Park wrote about was the difference between pseudoscience and junk science, and of course, Langmuir’s genius essays on pathological science make frequent appearances. Park covers various “free energy” scammers, the idiocy and uselessness of manned spaceflight, TV and news media’s roles in the propagation of ignorance, the use of junk epidemiology by lawyers and NGOs, “quantum healing” health frauds, and even the UFO crazes. Delightful reading.
SugarFree
I read Patricia Highsmith‘s delightfully acidic Little Tales of Misogyny, a book of very short short stories about all the different ways women are awful. A lesbian misogynist is not as odd as it may seem. I’ve met a couple here and there. To hate something you desire… one will probably shoot up a Shapes in a few years.
And I’ve been drawn back into The Devil’s Dictionary for probably dozenth time since reading it in high school. If you are ever sick of feeling good about your fellow humans, Ambrose Bierce will set you straight.
HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and entrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakspeare’s introducing it into the play of “Othello” is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coat-tails in our own day — an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.
THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good — that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat.
DEMAGOGUE, n. A political opponent.
mexicansharpshooter
I read more than children’s books this month. Today’s entry is An Economist Walks Into A Brothel, by Allison Schrager, Ph.D. This is one of those books people read at the airport in front of their boss while traveling because it has a vague relation to work. The title aside, it is pretty interesting. The first chapter focuses on The Moonlight Bunny Ranch outside of Carson City, NV. She business model of the brothel is not necessarily selling services but in selling and delivering them in a manner with the least amount of risk. For example, as ENB pointed out numerous times, sex workers often experience violence due to their existence in a black market. As a result, the workers pay an insane fee to the brothel, but why?
The legal brothel removes nearly all of the risk. The risk to the worker, in the form of violence, being stiffed by their customer (or a dirty cop), and financially. The workers are tested weekly, reducing the likelihood of disease, which manages the risk for the customer. Schrager goes on to explain how risk is managed in other industries as well.
SP
I’ve had slightly more recreational reading time this month than I have since the relocation. So, I’ve been diving into two mystery series that are set in and around my new hometown.
Scottsdale is home to The Poisoned Pen bookstore, from which I used to order. It’s fun that it’s just a short hop away (depending on traffic). The store hosts many, many author events, and I’m hoping to get up there to see Brad Thor in late June.
First up, the Lena Jones mysteries by local author Betty Webb. I am really enjoying this well-written series. The protagonist is not a cookie cutter PI and the cases are interesting. Jones is based in Scottsdale, a place I have only rarely ventured (see above), but the cases take her beyond the borders of her city. I’m on book 6.
I’ve also started Jon Talton’sDavid Mapstone series. I’m on book 3, Dry Heat, written in 2004. My favorite passage so far: “All these SWAT cops in their paramilitary attire, what did this mean for the health of American civil society? Like surveillance cameras everywhere, pre-employment drug tests, and other subtle assaults on the Constitution.”
The Mapstone books are set in Phoenix proper, with the native Phoenician protagonist having just moved back to his family’s home in the Willo Historic District at the start of the first volume. Mapstone is a PhD historian, formerly a Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office deputy, who is now working as a cold case investigator for MCSO. A nice glimpse of this fast-changing city from a different perspective.
The library system in Maricopa County is great, with some really terrific resources. I’ve been able to do my casual reading via ebooks from OverDrive. Sorry AMZ.
jesse.in.mb
Soooooo, I accidentally bought the second book in a series that I wasn’t reading because it was on sale because the plot summary was very similar to the other series by the same author. A.G. Riddle likes his grand genetic conspiracies about human origins. I put away the first two books in the Atlantis Trilogy this month because of some serious sunk-cost fallacy. The books aren’t as bad as some of Brett’s book-club choices, but they aren’t something I’d generally recommend unless you were going to spend time sitting on a very expensive beach and pretend to read while you really watch beautiful people who are having more fun than you walk around in next to nothing, or on an airplane. Currently audio-booking Hiddensee by Gregory Macguire (of Wicked fame), and reading The Last Policeman by Ben H. Winters, which has been more charming than I anticipated. I’ll let you know next time (or not).
Brett L
Since last I posted here, which I can’t remember how long it has been, I read all of the novels (but not short fiction) in the Expanse series by James SA Corey. The first four or five were great. The sudden appearance of Admiral Thrawn with a super-fleet of alien Star Destroyers I mean, the Martian guy, same plot. Anyhow, good plot. Cool that it took about three books just to set up the main plot. I kind of wish they hadn’t unleashed partial/potential immortality on their universe (Corey is the pen name of a duo), but there is some great space opera along the way. I also read the first two installments of Mark Lawrence’s Impossible Times series. I really loved the Jorg/Red Queen universe. I’ve been so-so on his Nona Grey books. Impossible Times is set in 1986 England where a teenager who’s just finishing leukemia chemotherapy meets his future self, who tells him they invent time travel to save a girl young he just met from brain damage. This young man (Nick) happens to be the son of a math prodigy who strolled in front of a bus. His only resources are his D&D group that happens to include the popular scion of a Motorola VP and a different young athlete. The plot of the first book is entertaining, but the way time travel is set up, it is a foregone conclusion that everything had to happen that way. Also, there’s a random young psychopath who exists only to add constraint and difficulty to the mission. The second book is more of a mess. Both are eminently readable, but feel lots of shortcuts are taken.
JW
All I been readin’ is the Bible. But not that fake Bible all the rest of you have been fooled by. I only read my Grandpappy’s Bible. He went thru and cut out all the parts about forgiveness. Grandpappy’s God is a vengeful God and you will all pay in blood for your wickedness.
Riven
One of these days, I’m going to finish Crucial Conversations. As I said last month, it’s been pretty helpful for me, professionally. It’s a short book and it should not be taking me so long, but I guess I just haven’t had time. I do, at least, have my next book lined up: Great Minds Speak to You. This was a gift from my sister for my birthday last month. It’s not something I would have picked out for myself, but it takes all kinds, doesn’t it? The version she got me comes with an audio CD, as well… just in case you really want them to speak to you, I suppose. I’m not really sure what to think of it, but I’ll give it a shot when I have some time. I notice that “A Course in Miracles” is a purchase suggestion, based on my interest in Great Minds Speak to You. Maybe you’re not familiar with that book, but it was a favorite of my father’s in the last decade or so. Hm. Seems the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree at all, does it?
Hello and welcome to another mind-bleaching episode of Woke Charmed! My sister joined me for this recap which always helps get me through this insipidity, so let’s just jump right into it!
Our story begins in a hipster wine shop. Yet another generic white guy with a beard is selling Mark Zuckerberg’s wife and her boyfriend a wine that pairs well with a heavy red sauce and a garlicky bruschetta. As the couple leave with their fine purchase, the generic bearded white guy pauses to sample some of his own wares when suddenly the lights go out. Generic bearded white guy hears a sound in the back of the shop. When he goes to investigate, a shadowy figure approaches him. Oh, wait, it isn’t a shadowy figure—it’s a figure that’s actually a shadow. The shadow picks up the white guy and hurls him into a table laden with wine bottles, which smash with a satisfying smash noise. As the white guy writhes in pain, the shadow approaches him and… PULLS OUT HIS KIDNEY! WHAT?
Kidney stones getting you down? We have the solution!
His kidney is all glowing and shit. It looks like a red-hot poker, or perhaps a freshly forged horseshoe pulled from the blacksmith’s fire. (“Ferrier,” my sister corrects me.) Why does this generic white guy have a magical kidney?
I guess we’re not going to find out right now, because the title card flashes and the scene switches to Connerparkerdude knocking on Maggie’s back door. She comes prancing out in a skin-tight, cleavage-bearing minidress at 2:00 in the afternoon, you know. As you do. She demands to know what Connerparkerdude is doing here. He tells her that he can’t stay away from her. “That smile… gets me every time.” To quote Belinda Carlisle, gag me with a spoon.
Connerparkerdude informs Maggie that Regina George has a new boyfriend now, so what’s to stop them? He wants to take her on a proper date. He tells her that he has tickets to Beyoncé. At this, my sister and I looked at each other and said, “Did he just say he has tickets to Beyoncé? Why would a guy have…?” and we had to pause it and rewind it and try to figure out how to turn on subtitles on Roku. Sure enough, he said he had tickets to Beyoncé. This WTF-ery became clear when the camera panned to Maggie, grinning in amazement, and turned back to find Connerparkerdude shirtless and holding a kitten.
AHHH. It’s a dream. You clever writers, so original.
The dream is interrupted by Mel banging on Maggie’s door. Macy wants to get to work early today, and Hilltowne, which appears to be approximately two square miles in size and comprises only the college, some neighborhoods and the police station, is apparently too large for them to just walk to, so they’re carpooling, which means that Maggie has to stop using Harry’s training orb for masturbatory fantasies.
Excuse me, what?
Yes, it turns out that she wasn’t just dreaming, she was projecting a fantasy using that thing that Harry used to create a mini dimension for them to train in way back in episode two. Eww. Mel asks her why she’s so interested in a philandering frat boy. I guess her whole “I was wrong about the Greek system” epiphany from last episode couldn’t be expected to last. Also, Connerparkerdude is a frat boy? I guess it makes sense since he was dating Regina George, but idk, in my experience, frat boys were… honestly, Animal House wasn’t that far off. I can’t see some hipster douchebag who quotes classic literature making it through initiation without getting paddled to death. Although maybe he could make it in one of the gay fraternities. After all, my favorite frat story will always be the one about the Sig Eps all sticking it in each other’s butts until they formed a conga line.
The Sig Eps would probably love this.
Maggie points out that he’s only philandering because she kissed him, and more importantly, when are we going to tell Macy about how we traveled back in time and overheard pregnant Mom talking about there being something wrong with the baby? That was a perfectly logical sentence progression and definitely not just the writers using bad dialogue for exposition. Mel reminds Maggie that Macy is already worried enough about what the psychic said, you know, about Macy having hidden darkness. Probably best not to worry her more.
Meanwhile, in the other room, Macy puts the pentagram pillar key around her neck, looking in the mirror to admire herself before reciting Bloody Mary three times. Definitely no darkness to worry about here!
From downstairs, Harry summons the girls to breakfast. Wait a minute—didn’t he move out?? He had suitcases! He said he was going back to the condo! Yeah, they initiated him into the shower pouf sisterhood, but no one said, “Harry, don’t go.” So why is he…? Never mind, it’s not important. All that matters is that he made them all bacon butties for breakfast, because British.
As they all stare at his quaint foreign food with great trepidation, Harry asks them if any of them noticed any strange seismic activity last night. Macy points out that earthquakes in Michigan would be very un-Scientific, but Maggie interrupts that yes, she noticed a tremor in the night when she got up to pee. Thanks for that visual, Mags! Harry’s fears are confirmed. Not about the peeing thing, but about the earth shaking thing. It was… A HELLQUAKE! Nothing to worry about, though. More importantly, where’s his orb? Maggie hands it back over. Harry looks like he wants to drown it and himself in hand sanitizer when he finds out what she’s been doing with it.
Mel says that instead of masturbating to Harry’s orb 24/7, Maggie should be registering for classes for next semester. Maggie says she’s considering dropping out of school. I think that would be a great, economically responsible decision. Mel is HORRIFIED. College is a really important time to figure out what you love to do, after all. Maggie asks if bartending is what Mel loves to do. Apparently the secretary job (gasp) fell through, so now Mel is working at the bar that didn’t exist until last week.
Now we all throw our heads back and laugh!
Macy commiserates that jobs in academia are hard to come by. Now that the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys has bought out the Generic Science Lab, apparently Dr. Kevorkian’s been fired (is that what we’re calling it nowadays?) and Macy is concerned she may be the next one on the chopping block. Considering that last week Dr. Kevorkian was stabbed in the neck and nobody even knows he’s dead, a literal chopping block wouldn’t be an unfounded fear.
Her fears do turn out to be unfounded, though; when she gets to the lab and meets her new boss, Mrs. I’m-Assuming-She’s-A-Demon Walton, it turns out she’s actually been promoted! Macy is getting Dr. Kevorkian’s old job, but it comes with a catch—Wal-Science is facing budget cuts as part of its restructuring, and that means someone’s gotta go. And we all know who: FRIENDZONE! He’s too expensive and he’s not important. Mrs. Walton gives Macy the job of firing him. When Macy protests that he’s her friend (IYKWIMAITYD), Mrs. Walton explains that she’s thinking like a vagina, and if she wants to succeed in the world of business, she needs to think like a penis. Penises fire each other all the time and then go out and play golf afterwards! So fire that Friendzone, dammit.
Over on campus, Maggie is being stalked by Connerparkerdude. He says he hasn’t seen her in World Lit since the Incident. So lmao she asked her teacher for a midterm extension and then just completely stopped going to class? Girl, it’s time to drop out.
Connerparkerdude asks Maggie if she saw the group text from Regina George. It turns out that she’s dating the Old Spice Guy now! Having traded up, she texted Maggie and Connerparkerdude with her blessing.
This is why Regina George is the most pure character on this series.
He then proceeds to ask her out using the same dialogue as from her creepy orb fantasy. “That smile… gets me every time.” Isn’t this an episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch? She somehow managed to make reality play out like her fantasy? He does not have Beyoncé tickets, though. Maggie requests that they go somewhere quiet and low-key for their date. He suggests he pick her up after her shift at the restaurant/café/whatever tomorrow. She gets off at two, right? Maggie asks how he knows that. The audience screams, “BECAUSE HE’S STALKING YOU.”
Over at the bar, Mel’s new place of employ, she is working on her graduate thesis: “The Future of Intersectional Feminism: Where do we go from here?” (Real Dialogue Alert: Okay, it wasn’t spoken, but those were really the words she typed.) As she mulls over her own genius, she is approached by a woman of whom, if I saw her on the street, I would cross the street to steer clear and with whom I would go out of my way to avoid eye contact. She looks like she would fuck you up and then take a leak on your maimed body as you bleed out. You know, like a good 2/3 of the vagrants in Portland.
Does she make anyone else viscerally uncomfortable?
Okay, I’m going to be honest with you guys. I already forgot that Mel is a lesbian. So when this hobo starts hitting on her, I’m like, “Whoa now.” And then Mel reciprocates and I find myself screaming, “Why? Why? Why did we have to write Niko out of this show? Look at this woman! Look at her! She looks like she smells of patchouli and cat pee! Niko was cute! Niko was pretty! Niko was easy on the eyes! Are you going to make me look at this escapee from Portlandia for the next umpteen weeks? Isn’t it bad enough that I have to look at the clone of Chelsea’s ugly boyfriend from Days of Our Lives? Am I going to have to see the person who spit on my shoes for not giving her a quarter in Pioneer Square, Seattle naked?”
Mel is so delighted by this bag lady flirting with her that she excitedly Facetimes Maggie. Her sister doesn’t have time for this exciting news, however. She’s too busy thinking about dropping out of college. This news is enough to knock all the hobo-flirt endorphins right out of Mel’s system. You can’t drop out of college, what do you mean by “I don’t know if I should waste all this time and money if I don’t know what I want to do,” that’s quitter talk and my mama didn’t raise no—
A knock at the door spares Maggie from this. She hangs up on Mel, goes to open the door, and the KIDNEY-LESS WHITE GUY collapses into her arms! “Charmed One, please, help me,” he begs before keeling over onto the floor.
Commercial over! Somehow Mel and Macy, without Harry’s instant travel powers, make it back to the house before the kidney-less wonder regains consciousness, and the four of them manage with great effort to carry the unconscious guy to the couch. Why Macy doesn’t just levitate him is beyond me. Maggie comments that he smells like a wet dog. Mel doesn’t notice the smell—she obviously doesn’t have a sense of smell, since she found patchouli hobo attractive—but she DOES notice that he’s wearing shoes, which are not allowed on the couch. She pulls the unconscious dude’s shoes off and Dear Lord He Has Goat Hooves.
He’s a satyr! Apparently we’re doing all of that on this show. Witches, demons, banshees, creatures from Greek mythology, WE’VE GOT IT ALL. This show is still relevant, goddammit.
Harry uses his Whitelighter powers to heal the satyr’s missing kidney, just like in Star Trek IV. The goat man jolts awake and starts immediately fawning (or should that be fauning? ??) over the Charmed Ones. Harry starts to introduce himself as the one who, you know, healed his kidney. The satyr dismisses him out of hand, because penis.
The satyr informs them that he was a guardian of one of the shards of the Scythe of Tartarus. When Macy, who apparently doesn’t know everything after all, asks what that is, the satyr does this:
Instagram fabulous
My sister: “If this is supposed to be Greek, why did he give them all flower crowns instead of laurel wreaths?”
Me: “Because they really enjoy emasculating Harry, okay?”
The satyr informs them that blah blah Greek mythology, you all know what Tartarus is, right? So apparently there’s a scythe you can use to get into it, but Zeus broke it into three pieces and entrusted it to three sentinels. The shadow demon figured out who the sentinels were—MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, THEY WERE ALL IN HILLTOWNE, MICHIGAN—and is trying to collect the pieces of the scythe so he can get into Tartarus and break the Even Worse Than The Ones We’ve Met Before, Yes Even Including The Harbinger demons out.
In order to locate the pieces and then bind them together, a beacon is needed. When the beacon is activated, it causes the pieces to start attempting to draw together. The beacon has likely been activated already, which is how the shadow demon is able to trace the sentinels of the shards. This all seems so very anime.
Over at the Waltons’ Epigenetic Demon Headquarters, the Head Walton is admiring one of the shards of the scythe. Big surprise there. “One down, two to go,” he says to the shadow demon. He also exposits to the shadow that the reason he wants to get into Tartarus is because he can’t get the goddamn paint can with the Harbinger inside it to open. He’s tried every spell and incantation—“Get it? In-CAN-tation?” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was real dialogue)—to no avail. He’s assuming someone in Tartarus will probably know how, and if not, eh, no skin off his nose. With nary a chuckle at Walton’s amazing pun, shadow demon shuffles silently away.
Back at the house, Harry is wearing sunglasses indoors and has passed out on top of a working blender. It took a few minutes, but by putting our heads together, my sister and I finally figured out that the hipster wine shop-owning satyr drank them all (except Maggie the soror whore) under the table last night and they’re all hungover. This show is great at beating you over the head with some things and leaving others completely vague and unclear. They formulate a strategy for stopping the demon. Without the beacon, they can’t trace the other two sentinels, but they might be able to trace the demon itself. Harry gives a sample of demon DNA from satyr’s wound to Macy to analyze. Mel says she’ll comb the Book of Shadows for information about shadow demons, and Maggie the Uncanny Millennial sets up a Google alert on her phone for any reported blackouts in the area.
Then she heads off to her date with Connerparkerdude, who says, quote, “I didn’t think it was possible to get this excited about broccoli.”
?
??
???
Who is this guy?! WHY must we be subjected to this bland, uninteresting hipster douchebag just because Maggie needs a mouth to stick her tongue into? Maggie is like, “It’s so sweet that you knew I’m vegan.” I’m like, 1. You are? 2. HE IS STALKING YOU
They’re eating raw broccoli with chopsticks. I long to die.
Maggie and Connerparkerdude bond over their conscientious abstention from animal byproducts (so I’m guessing those boots you’re wearing are faux leather, Maggie?) and their terrible fathers. Maggie’s father was, of course, absent from her life. Connerparkerdude’s, as previously mentioned, was the sort of person who made his children read classic works of literature and discuss them at the dinner table—which was always laid out with a white tablecloth and three varieties of forks. Ye gods, no wonder these two are so insufferable.
They start making out, and Maggie overhears him thinking, I can’t let her find out the truth.
My sister: “Oooh! Deep, dark secret? Maybe he’s a demon!”
Me: “…”
Her: “…”
Both of us: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Maggie calls Macy to wail about whatever Connerparkerdude’s hiding from her. Macy tells her not to worry. Maggie is like, “But what if it’s a deep, dark secret?” Macy, in a definitely not defensive way, reminds her that having a dark thought doesn’t make someone a dark person; maybe his secret is just something that’s difficult for him to talk about, but not a bad thing. But she doesn’t have time for that right now—she has to fire Friendzone.
Or that’s the plan, anyway. Friendzone spends the entire conversation subtly pointing out how indispensible to the Generic Science Lab he is. He also says, and I quote: “Gregorian was a dick, Thaine was a straight-up sexual predator. I’m all for having some badass ladies taking over and righting the ship. It’s about damn time.”
People are all calling Kevorkian a dick even though the dude got stabbed in the neck last episode. RIP, Kevorkian, lying somewhere in a shallow, unmarked grave.
Meanwhile, Maggie drops in on the frat house where Connerparkerdude lives bearing a bottle of wine from the satyr, as you do. She is referred by one of the brothers to his bedroom. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. Maggie heads up to his room and knocks, only to find the door unlatched. She pushes it open and sees Connerparkerdude… injecting something into his left arm! DUN DUN DUNNNNN
First of all, I couldn’t even see what he was doing until we rewound it three times. Secondly, he had his arm kind of splayed across his stomach, so my sister thought he was injecting something into his stomach, so we were both assuming he was injecting insulin. Diabetic, huh? There’s some deep, dark secret, if you’re a member of the Baby-Sitters’ Club. But of course Maggie thinks he’s shooting up and runs away weeping.
Back at the house, Mel is not working on her graduate thesis. She calls Harry to tell him she found a shadow demon banishing spell. Harry says great work, how’s your thesis coming? Mel says she needs another extension. Harry tells her the university told him he couldn’t give her another one. I don’t understand this whole subplot about him being the head of the women’s studies department. Harry recommends she use her powers to freeze time while she works on her thesis, speculating that since it wouldn’t be the most exciting personal gain in the world, the karmic aftereffects would probably be pretty mild. So wait, did we ever establish whether Mel’s powers freeze the whole world or just a small radius? Regardless, she tells Harry and her thesis to get bent.
Mel isn’t in the mood to write 50,000 words on the topic of intersectional feminism? What is this show coming to?!
Just then, Mel’s phone dings, saving her from this riveting conversation. There’s been a power outage at the Hilltowne Fertility Clinic, which this town is apparently big enough to have. The shadow demon attacks some broad and grabs her piece of the Scythe, which triggers another hellquake. He escapes with the shard just as the sisters and Harry rush in. They hurry to the aid of the broad.
After getting the lights back on and apprising her of the situation, the broad admits that she suspected something like this was going to happen, as she’d noticed her Scythe piece vibrating repeatedly over the last week, like it was calling out to the other pieces. Maggie asks the broad if she’s a satyr; the broad huffily replies that exCUSE you, she is Tawaret, ancient Egyptian goddess of fertility and childbirth. Apparently this is also a thing we’re doing. The sisters awkwardly genuflect at her, which isn’t weird or anything.
No, but you don’t look like a hippopotamus either, so…
Back at the house, Macy speculates that maybe the reason the shards are reaching out to each other is because they’re magnetic, like a lodestone. Science! Their discussion is interrupted by a fuckton of bees trying to break into the house. Harry informs the sisters that he’s entomophobic and proceeds to squeal and cower like a little girl. Macy, remaining cool, calm, and collected, explains that bees navigate with a form of magnetic resonance, and that the fact that they’re trying to get into the house indicates that… THE LAST SHARD IS SOMEWHERE INSIDE!
Now, what would the shard be doing inside their house? Mel wonders if it’s because their mom was a sentinel. Macy wonders if maybe their mom used the scythe to bust a demon out of Tartarus. (MACY’S DAD PLEASE MACY’S DAD.) Maggie wonders why it couldn’t have been the fun kind of Beyhive trying to break into their house. (Real Dialogue Alert.) Harry is too busy screaming about the bees to be much help in anything. Macy decides to open the doors and let the bees in to find the shard for them. The bees lead them to the attic, where they start swarming around a hatch in the ceiling. Macy uses her powers to open the hatch and bring down a box that has the last shard inside. The bees conveniently go away. They open the box, and another hellquake erupts.
Once the hellquake passes, Mel notices that there’s some kind of dancing going on under Macy’s shirt. She assumes that it’s because there’s a bee in Macy’s shirt, but SURPRISE! Magnetically, the key Macy found at the end of the last episode and has been wearing under her shirt pops out and goes sailing into the butt end of the scythe shard.
Oh, yeah, guys, I meant to tell you about that…
The sisters compare notes about the whole “Key to your past”/“Ibi”/“There’s something wrong with the baby” thing. They realize their mom’s key is the beacon, and Macy putting it on is what made the shards start vibrating at each other. Whoopsie. But the girls don’t have time for much more than a brief “we need to not keep secrets from each other” lecture before they realize that they need to brace for the shadow demon, who will undoubtedly be arriving to claim the last shard at any moment. They prepare the spell that Mel found in the Book of Shadows, which will banish the demon with light. Hipster music wails as they prep the spell in slow-mo. Mel says a Latin incantation with a Spanish accent. Etcetera, etcetera.
The demon shows up, knocking out the power to the house, but because of their prep work, eight billion candles are lit that the demon can’t extinguish. As the demon enters the attic, they cast the spell to bind it. But before they can finish it, the demon materializes the two other shards, one in each hand. They pulse and begin drawing toward the last shard, which the girls had placed back in the box that came out of the ceiling hatch. The box opens, but Maggie dives over the shard, pinning it under her body before the demon can grab it.
The demon dives on top of Maggie, and when they connect, the two of them are able to phase through the floor into the room below. They land on the bed in a romantic tangle, and my sister says, “I ship her with this shadow demon more than Connerparkerdude.” Maggie wrestles the shard away from him and runs out into the hallway. The demon pursues her, brandishing the two Scythe shards, which draw Maggie back towards him. She keeps her grip on her shard and the demon loses his, causing the fragments to fly together, reconnecting and forming the goddamn Moon Stick from Sailor Moon. I told you this was an anime!
ムーン・スティック
The shadow demon lunges for Maggie once more. This time when they connect, she is able to read the demon’s thoughts. She realizes the demon is in pain, and asks him why he’s trying to get the shards. The demon doesn’t answer her, merely staring silently. I mean, the thing’s a shadow—why do people keep expecting it to talk?
Taking advantage of the demon’s distraction, Macy uses her powers to rip the Scythe away from him and bring it into Mel’s hand. Before Mel can react, though, she’s struck by lightning. She drops the Scythe, and it falls over the landing down to the entryway below… where’s it’s caught by none other than the patchouli hobo from the bar!
She and Mel lock eyes, and then she apparates out in the exact same way that Harry does, only with added lightning effects. With the scythe gone, the shadow demon also flees.
With the power back on, the girls and Harry regroup. Mel tells them that she saw that woman before. Macy asks if she’s a demon—Harry says that the fact that she stole the Scythe would indicate so, but her teleportation spell was the same as a Whitelighter’s. Macy asks if she could be a rogue Whitelighter; Harry admits that he’s not sure. He wouldn’t think a Whitelighter would go rogue, but he has to consult the Elders to be sure.
Maggie mentions the fact that she was able to sense the demon’s feelings, and takes it as a sign that her powers are escalating. She wonders how it’s possible that she could read a demon’s mind; Harry speculates that, like with Angela Wu, the demon may still have some shred of humanity left inside it. Maggie decides that her new career goal is to become a demon psychiatrist.
During this exchange, Mel is nursing her shoulder, which was struck by the patchouli hobo. Harry asks to look at it so that he can heal it; she pulls her sleeve aside and reveals that her shoulder is now covered in Lichtenberg figures, like the ones that were on her mother’s body as well as the bodies of the other dead Elders.
All riiiight! The bag lady is the one who’s been killing all the witches! This just gets better and better.
Mel asks Harry not to heal her shoulder, because the mark is like a physical connection to her mother. Macy whines about how her only connection to their mother is her internal evil. She also whines again about how her mom “gave her up.” ExCUSE me, why has no one mentioned Macy’s father since the first episode? Why is no one wondering who this dude is/was??? They have never once said that Macy was adopted, they said that she was raised by a single father who lied and said her mother was dead. Why am I the only person who remembers this? Shouldn’t Macy remember, you know, her own life?
Harry tells Macy that everyone has the capacity for darkness, but it’s your actions, not your nature, which define you. Macy takes this to heart and heads to the Walton Family Generic Science Lab, where she tells Mrs. Walton that she refuses to fire Friendzone: he’s too important to the lab. She says that it’s the way of the penis to lay people off, but, being a vagina, she tells Mrs. Walton she believes she knows of another way. Mrs. Walton says that if she can find a way to save the lab $40K, then girl power. Macy agrees and proceeds to head out to fire this guy instead.
Since I can’t gif from Amazon, I’ll just tell you that this guy isn’t having a seizure, he’s trying to catch a jellybean in his mouth.
Sisters are doing it for themselves.
Back at the house, Maggie gleefully informs Mel that she has signed up for her courses for next semester. She’s decided that she’s going to study psychology in order to pursue her new dream career of being a demon psychiatrist. Mel congratulates her and tells her that she’s made a decision of her own: she is going to drop out of grad school. Apparently her dreams of becoming a renowned women’s studies professor have begun to fade. She realizes that she was only doing it to follow in their mother’s footsteps, but now that she’s been horribly disfigured, she has a new connection to her.
But what about the articles in Critical Inquiry that make men feel as though their penises have been torn from their bodies?
This scintillating discussion is interrupted by Connerparkerdude, who has come to tell Maggie his deep, dark secret. He reveals that what she saw him injecting wasn’t drugs. It was “medicine” (but not insulin). You see, he has a “rare congenital autoimmune disease” (but not diabetes). It’s degenerative, and he’s slowly dying. He’ll be lucky to reach forty.
My sister: “So what is this ‘medicine’?”
Me: “Stem cells.”
My sister: “What, just liquid stem cells?”
Me: “Yes.”
Connerparkerdude admits that he hasn’t told anyone about this, not his frat brothers or even Regina George. He always felt like if people knew he was dying (albeit slowly), it would make people treat him differently or be a drag on the frat brothers’ good times. Maggie promises to keep his secret, and they stick their tongues in each other’s mouths. I sigh at the utter banality of this “deep, dark” secret.
Later, at the Walton Headquarters, Epigenetic Demon Guy is not pleased with the shadow demon. Where is the Scythe of Tartarus, goddammit?
The shadow demon steps forward to answer, and
OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDDDD FUCK YES HE’S THE DEMON FUCK YES FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Connerparkerdemon says, “Sorry, Dad”—insert more screams of delight from the cheap seats—“it got away from me.” He explains about the patchouli hobo, whom he believes to be a lightning demon. His father mocks him for being bested by a piddly little lightning demon.
In true Thanos fashion, he pits Connerparkerdemon against his brother, FBI Agent Demon Guy. “Never send a half-demon to do a full demon’s job,” he sneers. Ah! So Connerparkerdemon is a HALF-demon! No wonder earlier when he and Maggie were having their banal chit-chat, he told Maggie that his father always said his marriage to his mother was the biggest mistake of his life.
Dear God, please may Maggie and Connerparkerdemon not be siblings. Please may this not be Shadowhunters redux…
Demon Dad tells Connerparkerdemon that he’ll look for another way to open the paint can, but in the meantime, he needs him to use Maggie a little longer. Connerparkerdemon pleads that Demon Dad promised once the Scythe assignment was over, he wouldn’t make him do any other demonic errands. Demon Dad taunts him some more for being a whiny little bitch, and demands to know what Maggie’s power is. Connerparkerdemon tells him she’s an empath. Demon Dad is pleased, stating that this is something they can use. The episode ends with him sneering, “Don’t fail me again, son,” as Connerparkerdemon looks all emo-ly into the camera.
?????????? good shit go౦ԁ sHit? thats ✔ some good??shit right??there??? right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self ? i say so ? thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ? ?? ?НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ? ?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??Good shit
Overall thoughts: Finally this show gets goddamn interesting. I’m telling you what, I had no clue what was going on for most of this episode because, with the exception of the slow-mo montage of them setting up the spell to wailing hipster music, it was breakneck fast. Even with subtitles on I had to watch it twice before I caught everything they said. But the two reveals of the homeless Seattle bag lady being an evil Whitelighter (?!) and then Connerparkerdude being Connerparkerdemon was like sweet, sweet candy. I’m actually unironically excited to see where this goes, until it inevitably lets me down. And then we can laugh at the fallout!
Spoiler alert: I watched the next episode already. The wokeness finally returns next week!
We begin with Mel drinking alone in her bed. Her sisters come in and tell her she can’t keep hiding out and sulking, she needs to go face the world. I would like to remind them that due to her fucking with the fabric of time and space, Mel now no longer has a job, so what reason is there, really, for her to get out and face the world? Perhaps hunting for a new job, but lol, of course they don’t suggest that. They just want her to be social, because I guess the house they inherited from their hippie mother was mortgage-free, and no one’s taken capital gains tax or property tax or utilities or groceries or anything like that into consideration.
Mel drunkenly slurs that she hasn’t just been self-medicating and wallowing in self-pity; she’s been doing research, goddammit. She’s found a lead on the marks that were found on their mother’s and the other dead Elders’ bodies. They’re called Lichtenberg figures. Macy, being a Scientist, has heard of these. They’re associated with high-voltage electricity and are found on people or places that have been struck by lightning.
The cops saw these marks on Dead Hippie Mom’s body and didn’t think anything of it…?
Mel found 893 demons in the Book of Shadows associated with electricity and/or lightning, which makes it difficult to narrow down Whodunit. Is that what we’re doing now? Is this some sort of magical crime procedural, and we’re looking for demonic suspects? I don’t understand how the logic on this show works.
Anyway, we don’t have time to worry about stuff like that. What we need is a good old-fashioned girls’ night out. Because Mel hasn’t been doing enough drinking. So Macy and Maggie drag her out of bed and haul her off to the thematically-named Haunt, a Halloween-themed bar that they’ve apparently been going to all this time but this is the first time we’ve heard of it. Maggie toasts her sisters, calling them bitches. Mel finds this offensive from a feminist perspective, but Maggie is like, “No, it’s code! Since I can’t say the W-word.”
Wamen?
Harry (who’s suddenly there—wasn’t this supposed to be a girls’ night?) comments that he will miss their inane chatter once the Elders deem that it’s time for him to move out of their house. Mel asks if this will be soon, since they have the Book of Shadows back now. Why…?
Why am I even asking why?
Maggie takes the opportunity to pout about how it’s Initiation Week, and if she hadn’t gotten kicked out of Kappa, she’d have been a full-fledged sister soon. Mel takes the opportunity to remind her that Greek life is toxic. I take the opportunity to remind you all that Maggie’s supposed to be a freshman and here she is in yet another bar drinking alcoholic beverages with her sisters (and Harry). Macy takes the opportunity to remind the viewers that also, Friendzone was marked by a demon and she can’t find the mark in the Book of Shadows. Harry takes the opportunity to warn her that there have been several recent instances of humans being marked by demons as “part of a seemingly larger plan.”
Okay.
Now that we’re done reminding everybody about what happened last episode, the waitress comes by with the check and Mel, whose shirt is inside out because so great is her depression, asks someone to pay for her because being jobless also means she’s money-less, the first acknowledgment of money this show has made. Harry tells her that he learned about an opening in the administrative department at the university and that he pulled some strings and got her an interview. Mel groans about this being a glorified secretarial job and it’s so sexist that she as a waman is expected to fill such a stereotypically “traditionally female” job. Everyone tells her she needs a job/to get out of the house and to shut the fuck up.
While she grumbles that she’ll go to the interview but that doesn’t mean she’ll deign to take the job, Regina George and the other Plastics strut in and give Maggie the bitch stare. Maggie decides to bring them a pitcher of skinny mojitos as a peace offering. Regina George dumps it out over Maggie’s head. Mel freezes time before the liquid makes contact with Maggie, though. Maggie tells her to let her take her punishment like a good little bitch. Macy intervenes by moving the pitcher slightly so that when time unfreezes, it looks like Regina just missed, and the booze dumps out all over Maggie’s boots instead of her head. Regina says “I meant to do that” and does this really weird thing where she makes the OK gesture, but with both hands in front of her face like a Junior Birdman or something.
Is this white supremacy?
After the sisters leave, Gretchen admonishes Regina that she is forgetting the Kappa motto: WWGPD? Regina responds that even Gwyneth Paltrow has her limits.
Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.
Karen tells Regina that her vibe has seemed way off recently, and that she needs to find her zen, stat (Real Dialogue Alert). Regina takes this advice to heart, returning to the house and searching through a storage closet through the 80,000 ritual candles for something scented and calming. She needs some damn serenity. (RDA) Near the back of the shelf, she encounters an ornate blue ceramic candlestick, which she takes to… the Buddhist temple in the basement of the Kappa house? What the fuck is this? There’s like a mosaic tile fountain in the background and palm trees and dildo candelabras and shit.
Anyway, she lights the weird candle, sits down in the lotus position, and then the greatest scene of the entire series ensues, as the peaceful flute music playing in the background is interrupted by her taking out her AirPods, looking up at the ceiling from which loud voices and thrumming bass can be heard, and screeching, “KEEP IT DOWN, BETCHES, I’M GETTING MY ZEN ON IN HERE!”
Seriously, all of you saying that Regina George is the true hero of this series? I think you’re right.
She settles back in for a good, peaceful omm, and the lights flicker. A ghostly specter emerges from the candle, flying around Regina in circles before soaring out of the room and flying all over the house, knocking over knickknacks and causing general mayhem before settling into the TV. Ah, so now the Kappa house is possessed, excellent.
Over at the Generic Science Lab, a crew of Walmart employees is moving in a bunch of boxes as Macy comes in the door. She’s approached by an aging bald white man named Dr. Kevorkian or Dr. Gregorian or something like that, who hands her a clipboard with a waiver for a blood test mandated by the new sponsors of the lab, the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys. Purportedly this is a drug test, but since Epigenetic Demon Guy said last episode he wanted Charmed One DNA samples, we know better than that.
Across the lab, Friendzone is speaking to one of the Walmart employees. As they talk, he lifts up his shirt to scratch his side. Macy sees that the not-succubus mark on him is glowing and getting brighter. She texts Harry, who tells her that she needs to stick close to Friendzone and watch out for demonic activity. Thus, she invites herself to his birthday party. Friendzone tries to explain to Macy the concept of “you’re not invited, though.” She tells him she’ll bake something for the occasion.
Over at the Kappa house, the doorbell rings. Regina George answers it to find Maggie standing there wearing whatever the fuck this is:
I think what pisses me off the most about this is the choker
Regina tries to explain to Maggie the concept of “I don’t ever want to see you again.” Maggie, like a true stalkery ex-girlfriend, tells Regina that she’s never going to give up. Through the television screen, I try to explain to Regina the concept of a Persona Non Grata form, and how campus police can be summoned if she tries to break it. Before I can finish my sentence, Go-Go’s-era Belinda Carlisle appears behind Regina’s shoulder tells Maggie she needs to leave. Instead of acknowledging that she’s not wanted here, Maggie drags Belinda’s 80s Chic fashion sense, almost as if she hasn’t seen herself in the mirror today, and demands to know who she is. Regina reminds Maggie that Belinda is a Kappa sister—a very important one. Well, obviously. If she’s ever been in a grocery store, she’s heard Belinda’s dulcet tones over the loudspeaker. Does she or does she not remember that heaven is a place on Earth?
But Maggie has never seen Belinda before! Dun dun dunnnnn
With Maggie neatly disposed of, Belinda leads Regina into the TV room, asking her if she’s psyched for Hell Week. You know, all this stuff that the sorority on this show does is fraternity stuff, by the way. Good fucking luck hazing your pledges with National Panhellenic Conference looming over your shoulders. But regardless, HELL WEEK PUNS! Regina is like, “YASSS KWEEN!” (Real Dialogue Alert.) She goes to high-five Belinda, who fritzes out like a bad VHS recording, but Regina doesn’t notice.
Wait, you guys don’t think Belinda Carlisle is a demon, do you?
Back at the sisters’ house, Maggie is laptop surfing instead of helping Mel pick out an outfit for her secretary (ugh) interview. When Mel calls her out on it, Maggie tells her that she thinks something is up at Kappa.
Mel: “Agreed. They’re internalizing the patriarchy, for starters.” (Real Dialogue Alert)
Maggie explains that Belinda can’t be a real Kappa sister, because during her first week as a pledge she had to memorize the names of all the active sisters (+ their majors + favorite order at Starbucks) and she wasn’t one. But no worries, after 30 seconds of searching with only a first name to go on, she finds a newspaper scan revealing that Belinda was a freshman who died after drinking too many wine coolers and falling off the roof of the Kappa house back in 1989.
Belinda is a ghost?! What?! Wouldn’t have guessed that! Dun dun dunnnnnnn
Harry warns them that ghosts can be more dangerous than demons. (Which reminds me, Harry, what about you??) Mel and Maggie head off to go consult Magical Siri about the ghost, which should take about 30 seconds considering this show’s track record. While they handle that, Harry offers to escort Macy to Friendzone’s party in an attempt to make it less awkward. Yeah, that will work.
As predicted, Mel and Maggie find the spell they need instantly. In order to exorcise the ghost, they have to find the moment from her life that’s keeping her tied to this world. They perform the spell, which sends them back in time to the Hilltowne University of 1989, which looks a little something like this:
But it’s not all bad, there’s also this:
Mel is extremely triggered by this display, by the way. It’s an “Aerobics for Alzheimer’s” charity. Maggie comments that the campus now holds a “Pilates for Poverty” charity that’s the same idea. Mel rages that it’s a farce of a fundraiser designed specifically for the male gaze, so creepy frat guys can ogle them. Maggie says it’s not like that now. Mel gives her a “Bitch, please” face. I guess Mel has forgotten that she’s a lesbian and thus this display is also for her benefit.
Across the quad, Maggie spots Belinda and hurries over to find her in the midst of an argument with 1989’s Regina George. 1989!Regina tells Belinda that she’s no longer a pledge of Kappa, something she thought she made very clear on her answering machine, okay? (RDA) Kappas combine the class of Princess Di with the sass of Duchess Fergie, and Belinda SO does not. (RDA) Belinda says she thought that was a pledge prank. 1989!Regina tells her she’d never be so cruel to a pledge, but Belinda’s not one anymore, so it’s okay. When Belinda blinks at her, 1989!Regina explains, “Brenda, you’re bugging, and it’s skeeving the whole chapter out.” (RDA) I think that clears everything right up.
This interesting excursion into the darkest corners of 80s slang is interrupted when Maggie and Mel spot Dead Hippie Mom, now currently not dead and, in fact, just about to pop with Macy, sitting on a bench across the quad beside the living Portrait of Señora de Urcola in a Black Mantilla. Dead Hippie Mom is telling the Señora about a recent checkup she had, in which the obstetrician assured her that everything was fine, but the obstetrician doesn’t know, you know? The Señora assures her that it doesn’t matter that she’s a witch (so I guess the Señora is also one), she just has first-time mom jitters. No, Dead Hippie Mom responds; remember, she’s not just a witch, but a witch who can see the future. And she has an unshakable feeling that there’s something wrong—really wrong—with the baby.
Dun dun duuuuu—
Are they in front of a green screen? Is a green screen really necessary for a bench in a park?
As Maggie and Mel stare slack-jawed at their mother, Belinda runs away from 1989!Regina George, passing through them with that same VCR-glitch effect, and the sisters are sent back to the future. Whoopsie! By getting distracted by their mom, they missed out on the rest of the conversation that was supposed to tell them what was keeping Belinda trapped here on Earth. Unless, you know, it really was the whole “bugging and skeeving” thing.
But it’s okay, because Maggie turns the page in the Book of Shadows, and since on the next page it talks about banshees, she decides that this means Belinda is a banshee. I’m sorry, what is your evidence for this? Have you heard her screaming and wailing to wake the dead? Has her appearance heralded the death of someone else? Has her screaming and wailing caused someone to die? Has she, with one crook of her bony finger, summoned the Cóiste Bodhar? The only thing we possibly have to go on is that the real Belinda Carlisle is a singer, and guess what, that’s just my code name for her! This bitch is actually named Brenda Mancini, so so much for that.
Mel thinks it would be just desserts if they didn’t banish the Belinda Banshee, because, being a feminist who supports other wamen, she thinks the Kappas deserve to be punished for not conforming to her ideals of wamenhood. Maggie ignores her, snapping a picture of the banishing spell on her phone like the uncanny millennial that she is, and they head off to save the day.
Meanwhile, Macy and Harry have arrived at Friendzone’s party. Harry is literally dressed like Harry Potter. Since Macy burned her pie earlier, Harry has come bearing Welsh rarebit. This elicits all sorts of jokes of the high caliber you’ve come to expect from this show. But never fear! Friendzone’s Practically Perfect in Every Way new girlfriend, Summer, runs over squealing, “Welsh rarebit? I practically lived on the stuff during my semester abroad at Cambridge!”
Jesus CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST
RAREBIT WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT SOUNDS LIKE RABBIT DO U GET IT
Summer gushes to Macy that Harry is a keeper. Harry and Macy awkwardly stammer that they’re friends! Just friends! Just friends, I swear. Just friends. As Summer backs slowly away from them, Macy asks Harry if he thinks that went well. Harry responds, “I wouldn’t know. I’m British, awkward is kind of our thing.”
Real Dialogue Alert: That was—
Across the room, Friendzone is changing a lightbulb (?), conveniently making his shirt go up. Macy points out the demon mark, but Harry can’t see it, just like Maggie couldn’t last episode. Before he can comment further on this, Summer darts into the frame, glaring at Macy for staring at Her Man. Are we still sure she’s not a succubus?
Later, Macy is admiring all the photos of Friendzone that Summer assembled for the party. In one of them, he’s hugging his grandma, who is wearing a cowrie shell necklace. Macy realizes that the mark she’s seeing on Friendzone looks like a stylized cowrie shell. Friendzone comes over, sees her looking at the picture, and takes the opportunity to brag about his marginalized backgrounds: Haitian, Dominican, Puerto Rican, you name an island in the Caribbean Sea and he’s got a relative from there. And also pirates. Arrrrr—
Summer interrupts this fascinating discussion, sending Friendzone off to deal with yet another maintenance issue (what kind of dump did he rent for this party, anyway?) and telling Macy to Back the Fuck Off Her Man. Macy starts whimpering and tells Harry she wants to leave. Harry protests that they’re about to start karaoke, but one death glare from Macy puts the wayward Whitelighter back in his place. No joy for you, Harry.
Meanwhile, Maggie and Mel are breaking into the Kappa house. Once inside, they find the house dark and all active sisters locked in a closet, bound and gagged. Maggie frees Gretchen, who informs her that that “that crazy bitch” Belinda did this to them and then kidnapped Regina George. The other Kappas affirm that they’d never seen Belinda before, meaning that Regina George is the only one Belinda had somehow mind-controlled into believing she was a Kappa. Gretchen and Karen explain that they heard Belinda saying she was going to use Regina to get revenge on someone for their treachery. Mel and Maggie deduce that Belinda is planning to possess Regina and use her body to enact revenge on 1989!Regina.
You fools! Don’t you recognize a hazing ritual when you see one?
Mel and Maggie call Harry to wipe the Kappas’ memories. Maggie tracks down the sorority composite from 1989 and discovers that 1989!Regina’s name was Jenna Gordonson. Harry, still sulking about missing out on karaoke, reluctantly uses his professorial credentials to get into the alumni database and track down Jenna’s address. Of course she still lives locally, because it turns out that Hilltowne, Michigan is actually the Hotel California—you can graduate anytime you like, but you can never leave.
Once Maggie and Mel head off in search of Jenna, Harry apparates back to the sisters’ attic, where Macy is reading about cowrie shells in the Book of Shadows. The Book states that cowrie shells are used as emblems of protection against demons and other magical dangers. She explains to Harry that she thinks that Friendzone’s mark is a cowrie shell, and Harry speculates that maybe Macy, the Spicy Afro-Caribbean Witch that she is, may have unconsciously placed the mark on Friendzone herself when she kissed him (apparently there was no deflowering), and that her own protective spell is what caused Friendzone to separate from her after that night.
Macy says she thinks her own standoffishness is what really drove Friendzone away from her. She and Harry have a moment. I ship it?
And then Macy friendzones him. AHAHAHAHAHA THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN SHE FRIENDZONES HIM AFTER BEMOANING FRIENDZONING FRIENDZONE
bitch you will die alone
Macy then has an epiphany, remembering that Friendzone’s grandma, who in the photo was wearing the cowrie shell that made Macy think the symbol was a cowrie shell to begin with, was from Haiti, and that the cowrie shell being used for protection was a Haitian thing. Wow, so you’re saying that maybe the Haitian is Haitian and the cowrie shell is a cowrie shell? Amazing. She and Harry look up a practitioner of Haitian witchcraft on Yelp, and they decide to go check her out.
Meanwhile, over at Jenna Gordonson’s apartment, Jenna is not dead yet—which Mel points out aloud, to Jenna’s face, which doesn’t make Jenna suspicious in any way. Maggie assures Jenna that she and Mel are reporters from Buzzfeed, and that they’re there to do an article about the Ten Spookiest Deaths in the Greek System. They, of course, are referring to Belinda, but Jenna reveals that she wasn’t the only girl who’s died that way. Apparently it’s relatively common for Kappa sisters to climb up on the roof while drunk and fall, but the alumnae board covers up the sorority connection so that it doesn’t make Kappa look dangerous. However, Mel and Maggie make the connection that Belinda was the first death, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that it’s been her ghost responsible for all these deaths over all these years.
Mel asks Jenna for more information about Belinda—she says she knows she was bullied and kicked out of her pledge class, but Jenna cuts her off here. She says Belinda wasn’t bullied, she was the bully. She’d gained a reputation during her pledge period for being manipulative and cruel, but the final straw had been when she began sleeping with a string of other sisters’ boyfriends. Jenna had cut her from the pledge process because, you know, she was a hosebeast, and in retaliation, Belinda had broken into the house and climbed up on the roof to hang a banner calling the Kappas a bunch of cunts. She had also stolen the candle that had been meant to be her initiation candle, which is the candle that Regina George lit at the beginning of the episode, thus summoning her spirit. Unfortunately, Belinda had been drunk while trying to hang the banner, which caused her to lose her balance and fall to her death.
Mel freezes time and tells Maggie that if Belinda died in anger rather than sorrow, she would have become a revenant, not a banshee. They realize she’s been killing Kappa sisters for years, making them die the same way she died. And they realize she’s not planning to use Regina’s body to kill Jenna—she’s going to kill Regina for having slighted Maggie the same way Belinda feels she was slighted.
Back at Kappa, Regina is on the roof complaining that wine coolers taste like cough drops. Belinda tells her to shut up and chug, loser.
Regina is over these wine coolers and she’s over this roof and she’s over Belinda’s pink-and-purple eyeshadow
Mel and Maggie call Harry, who is on a date with Macy in the Haitian witch priestess’ nail salon (after all, we all have day jobs). Harry asks Macy if she can handle the witch priestess solo. Macy agrees, and as soon as Harry disappears, the witch priestess, who is named Mama Roz because of course she is, comes sauntering out from the back room. It’s $20 for ten minutes, and she has bills to pay, so fork it over, bitch.
Macy shows Mama Roz the mark she saw on Friendzone. Mama Roz tells her it’s a sign to stay away. Macy asks if it’s because she could be leading Friendzone into danger, but Mama Roz tells her that the mark appeared on Friendzone as a warning to Macy, a sign to protect her rather than him, and that Friendzone could be endangering her. Mama Roz also says that Macy has the Ibi in her. When Macy asks what this means, Mama Roz is reluctant to tell her, but when Macy waves more dollas under her nose, she acquiesces: Macy has darkness in her. It’s been there since she was born. She’s different from her sisters, but she’ll have to search within herself to find it. Macy runs out the door as Mama Roz yells, “The pillar of your past holds the key to your darkness!”
SJWs everywhere: REEEEEEEEEE SO YOU’RE SAYING THE BLACK SISTER HAS DARKNESS IN HER REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: Oh please may Dead Hippie Mom have slept with a demon
Back at the Kappa house, Regina is still lucid enough to register that she is in a scary place and Belinda is starting to freak her out, but Belinda starts chanting at her to DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DON’T BE A COWARD
Regina takes a step forward but is saved in the nick of time by Harry, Mel and Maggie apparating in. Apparently apparating other people drains Harry’s energy and he mentions that he feels sick now, but these sisters don’t give a flying fuck. Well, to be fair, it is an emergency, because Regina is right on the edge of a tile roof and it would be giving me vertigo if the effects weren’t so terrible.
Maggie yells for Mel to start the revenant banishing spell while she tries to get through to Regina and break Belinda’s hold on her before she jumps. However, the banishing spell doesn’t work, because Belinda’s strength is too tied to Regina’s own feelings of betrayal. At the sight of Maggie, Regina starts sobbing and begs for Maggie to leave her alone, because every time she sees her she’s reminded of how they were friends and she trusted her and Maggie stabbed her in the back.
Belinda figures it out and starts yelling reminders to Regina of all the ways Maggie hurt her, and how the best way to get revenge on Maggie would be to kill herself. JUMP, HO! Regina jumps.
Mel freezes time, catching Regina in midair, which makes Belinda lose her damn mind and turn back into the smoky ghost form from the beginning of the episode. She swirls around Mel, screaming, trying to get her to break her concentration so Regina will fall. Harry says that he thinks Regina’s pain is the source of Belinda’s power, and Maggie realizes that instead of healing the source of Belinda’s pain, they needed to be focusing on healing Regina all this time.
Harry apparates up into midair, grabs Regina before falling himself, and apparates her down to the ground. Somehow this seems to be less taxing on him than when he brought Mel and Maggie in, but maybe it’s the adrenaline, or perhaps bad writing. Maggie tries to apologize to her, but Belinda is back like DON’T ACCEPT APOLOGIES! KILL! KILL! FINISH HER
Regina lunges to strangle Maggie, but Maggie starts saying the right things—that she never should have tried to play the victim the way Belinda had, that she was just as bad as her, that she deserved to get kicked out of Kappa, that she shouldn’t have kept trying to get in Regina’s face when Regina was begging her for space, that she doesn’t deserve Regina’s friendship. Regina accepts her apology, and Belinda screams and disappears in an effect that looks like an old TV switching off. How clever! The effects on this show are so great and high-budget.
As soon as Belinda is banished, Regina passes out. She wakes up later in the house, not remembering what happened but irrationally feeling less angry at Maggie (and also hungover). Maggie explains that she had drunk a lot of wine coolers (Regina acknowledges this as a new low) and that they’d had a talk while she was drunk, apologizes again, tells her she’s going to give her space but that she’d love to be friends again someday.
When Maggie leaves the house, Mel has this really UNBELIEVABLY out-of-character moment where she admits that she was wrong about the sorority and between what she learned from Jenna and Regina tonight that she sees now why Maggie wants to be in Kappa. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. She says that they all need to have lives outside of being witches, and that she’s sorry Maggie can’t have her sorority, and also she misses Niko. Sadface.
Maggie and Mel go to the Halloween bar to meet Macy. Maggie says that they need to tell Macy aboot seeing their mom in the 80s. I remember that Maggie’s actress is Canadian and snicker to myself. Before they can tell Macy aboot what they saw, Macy tells them aboot what the Haitian witch priestess said re: the darkness. Maggie and Mel suddenly realize what they overheard might be tacky and change the subject. Macy asks how things went with the Kappas, and Maggie says they’re fine now and should be wrapping up the initiation ceremony soon. Mel and Macy decide to head back to the house and set up a faux sorority initiation for Maggie into their sisterhood to make her feel better. THEY DO THE THING WITH DRINKING THE WATER AND DECLARING THAT THEIR BLOOD IS COVENANT. Someone did remedial internet research, I see!
As the initiation wraps up, Harry strolls past wearing a trench coat and fedora and carrying a suitcase. It seems that the Elders have deemed that now that the girls have the Book of Shadows back, they don’t need extra protection, so he’s moving back to the condo that he, a dead ghost man person, had been renting. What was the point of this subplot again?
Before he leaves, though, Maggie decrees that she wants to give Harry the initiation ceremony, too. He can be an honorary sister. What was it he said in the first episode to Mel? He felt as if his penis had been torn from his body? I imagine he felt something similar here. They crown him with a shower pouf, calling him “Poof.”
RIP Harry’s last shred of masculinity
I believe Harry is supposed to be straight. That was the implication I got from his supposed past with Charity, and also the moment with Macy in this episode. I guess this is what feminists imagine straight guys are cool with.
Um, anyway… We haven’t forgotten the Walton Family of Epigenetic Demon Guys! Remember Macy’s mandated blood test? They do, too. Walton the Younger, a.k.a. the FBI Agent Demon Guy from the last episode, is rummaging through the vials of blood at the Generic Science Lab. If his father’s company is the one who mandated the drug test, shouldn’t they have access to it anyway? Or couldn’t he have taken the form of someone who does have access to it? No matter. Dr. Kevorkian catches him in the act of stealing the blood, and gets stabbed in the neck for his trouble. Goodbye, Dr. Kevorkian, or whoever you were.
Back at the house, Macy is in her room and she notices the Photoshopped picture of Dead Hippie Mom holding Baby Macy sitting framed on her dresser. As she looks at the photo, Mama Roz’s warning echoes through her head: “The pillar of your past holds the key to your darkness.” Macy notices a pillar on the porch behind her in the photo. She goes out to the front porch and investigates the support pillars. There’s a barometer mounted on one of them that she can’t get off with her fingers. She uses her powers to cast it aside, and behind the barometer is a hole with a small box inside.
Inside the box is a skeleton key with a pentagram on top. Macy stares at it and the episode ends.
I realized after doing the screenshots for this episode that Dead Hippie Mom is wearing this key around her neck when she’s talking to Señora de Urcola in 1989
Okay. I’m sorry, you guys. This episode was barely woke at all. It was actually… kind of good. I actually enjoyed it. Yes, the writing was stupid, but I’m pretty sure that the writers of this show may have just moved up from writing Nickelodeon shows, so what do you expect? I really like how they’ve been handling Regina George in the last few episodes. I like that she really got the spotlight in this one. I’m interested in the subplot about Macy and the ~mysterious darkness~. I can’t believe Mel wasn’t even that big of a cunt in this episode.
If this show can’t produce wokeness, am I going to lose my job? Am I going to end up on the streets? I work with the material I’ve been given, people!
Hello Glibs, it’s been awhile, but your old Master of Scaremonies the Cryptkeeper is here to provide my annual superfuntimestory of the bestest holiday on my calendar outside of Halloween – Texas Frightmare Weekend! This article is *at least* five times as long as it needs to be, because I know you’re reading this at work and I’m trying to give you an excuse to not get back to that for an extra 10 minutes. You’re welcome. Do keep reading, though – there’s lots of cursing, lame jokes, celebrity stories, and a 40k reference for my fellow hyper-nerds. Plus I had fun last year with our game of, “There are so many links, I wonder which one of them randomly goes to a weird porn site?” that I decided to play again this year. Happy hunting!
To begin with, this shit has gotten completely out of hand. They sold out of Saturday single day tickets (est. attendance this year of 35,000), and the fucking hotel rooms sold out at the main venue within two hours of going on sale. We were able to snag a room at the last second because they caught some dude reserving 20 rooms and trying to re-lease them out at a markup. Thankfully the dumbass advertised them on the Facebook meetup page for the event, so the organizer cancelled his block reservation & they opened the rooms back up. My wife received an automatic update and we jumped on one. True story: we got the last one, and it wound up being a handicapped room. It was YUUUGE. Like twice the size of a regular room. What’s a fucking cripple need with all that space? Don’t they need less space? It’s not like they’re prancing about or have friends that they can invite up or anything else requiring room. Even the shower was much larger. Don’t just take my word for it, here’s a photo. It’s so big you don’t even get the edge of the bed in frame.
Crip room
Now most, if not all of you, are probably mentally saying to me, “Gojira, we know that Texas Frightmare Weekend is always held on the first weekend of May. So why come this year, Dallas Fan Expo, the larger (50k+ attendance) pop culture, sci-fi, and comic book convention that used to be called Dallas Comic Con, moved its date to directly compete? Aren’t they targeting the same people?” Well astute reader, indeed that was the plan – of the FanExpo organizer. Here’s a little inside baseball for you, as was related to me by a buddy of mine involved in the whole sordid affair: FanExpo wanted to be the only game in town & approached the Texas Frightmare organizer, Loyd Cryer, about buying him out. He told them to fuck off and die in a fire (paraphrasing mine -ed). In what is possibly an act of pure spite, which is just my conjecture and in no way libelous, FanExpo moved their event to the same weekend. I think their big-shot corporate overlords thought that the nerdy public is one undifferentiated mass, and that being the larger event with more headline guests, they would draw interest and put a little bit of a beat-down on ol’ Texas Frightmare.
Turns out the Venn Diagram of people who are comic book and pop culture nerds, and people who are hardcore horror fans, does have overlap, but not nearly to the degree that the FanExpo jerks had hoped. I do fear, though, that this blatant act of separatism has resulted in some unfortunate battlelines being drawn and our two populations being given reason to resent and distrust one another. Thanks alot, FanExpo! If I ever see Jonathan Frakes on the street, I’ll fuckin’ kill him and leave a human turd on his forehead and a little note written on a cocktail napkin that says, “Defend Horror” written in his blood and pinned to his body with a little plastic sword along with some photos of those abused dogs from the SPCA commercials.
Interestingly, the above paragraph wasn’t just one long setup to a largely unfunny joke about murdering Will Riker. There really is a distinct difference between the two groups, and if you swing both ways, as I do [insert “Oh My!” George Takei gif], you notice it when surrounded entirely by one group or the other. By and large the horror crowd, where I spend more time, is more…enthusiastic…about ordering their lifestyle around their interests. They don’t just dye their hair, they have a shit-load of tats and piercings, dress somewhat raggedly, curse a lot more, drink a lot more, and are generally more “blue collar” types. They also skew distinctly more conservative. There are a lot more pro-2A shirts, and shirts making fun of liberals, at horror events, than shirts or patches with leftist slogans. Hell, I saw a couple of Confederate flag patches on vests this weekend, and nobody gave them a second glance. For all you aspies rushing to the comments to correct me that it’s actually the battle flag of Northern Virginia or whatever the hell, save yourselves the spittle-flecked outrage. When I say, “Confederate flag”, you damn well know what I’m talking about, so just simmer down and roll with it. If you promise not to be a ludicrous pendant, I’ll not purposefully replace the word “magazine” with “clip” in any future firearms articles I may write.
The thing is, I’m not sure why this is. This is a group of people who are obviously comfortable with, shall we say, non-traditional mores in terms of public behavior, modes of dress, etc., and yet they actually skew conservative. The sci-fi/comic crowd is overwhelmingly leftist, but they also are overwhelmingly just fat guys able to take off their blue TOS shirts at the end of the day and blend back into “regular” society. I can’t help but wonder why this is. I’m sure Ken Shultz has a theory that he’d like to expound on (just ribbing you in good nature, Ken). Joe Bob Briggs mentioned it during his panel, as well, so it’s not just me making shit up…this time.
So not as many photos this year, for which I apologize. If you haven’t read my past entrieson this event, be warned: this is literally the only time of the year I take photos, so I cannot be assed to get good at it because I just don’t care. Anyway, even five years ago, when you purchased an autograph from a guest, it came with a selfie. Now every one of these greedy fucks charges an extra $10, except for a few who are cool.
Bruce Abbot is cool. He does not charge extra.
I will note that they didn’t have glowsticks available at the after party again this year. I think our little art project that I showed you all photos of in the 2017 entry put the kibosh on that for everybody. At least I hope that’s why there weren’t any. I’d love to believe that my one merry band of assholes managed to ruin something for tens of thousands of people. It’d put me right up there with John Dillinger.
Great guests though, and great panels. We had Jeffrey Combs, who given his wonderful Star Trek roles would have been just as at home at FanExpo, but he’s also done great work in horror. I’m a huge Jeffrey Combs fanboy, so this was a special treat for me. We had Meat Loaf, who fell off the fucking stage at his panel and broke his collarbone. Looks great for his age, though, really. Jenna Jameson, on the other hand, does not. Her ass looked like a fucking tray table. I wanted to set my drink on it, then smack her hard in the face and see if the drink fell off. It doesn’t show up in google image search, oddly enough. Trust me, I wanted to add a picture. Traci Lords has aged a bit better, and Cassandra Peterson (better known as Elvira) I’d still drill like an out of control oil rig. The big guns were Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell, along with Sam’s brother Ted Raimi. Robert Englund,Lance Henrickson, Tom Savini, and various other regular guests were in the house, as well as…Lee Majors! Scott Ian and Charlie Benante of Anthrax were also present, and the corpse of Tim Curry. Along with many other assorted peoples who had roles in some sequels or other.
The year started off with a screening of Re-Animator on Thursday night, with Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Abbot, and Barbara Crampton (who, like Elvira, is still super do-able despite being old) in attendance to do a panel. They also had Kathleen Kinmont from Bride of Re-Animator, but really who cares about her. She does reappear later in our narrative in a humorous role, so that’s something I suppose. In addition to their panel at the screening, they had a panel during the main convention.
The Re-Animator panel
The panel was great in that, rather than just tell stories, almost the whole thing focused on the craft of filmmaking, particularly low-budget film making in the 80s. Without going into great detail, they spoke about the long days on low-budget shoots (14-18 hrs per day, as principal photography had to be completed in 18 days), and about how big name actors can get away with being aloof, but working in the nooks and crannies, the only way to get a good performance is for the actors to be completely emotionally available to each other in order to create instant chemistry. They mentioned that, as they all were coming from theater backgrounds, they got together at Barbara’s apartment for a few weeks beforehand to rehearse, which is a big no-no if SAG finds out about it because it constitutes working without pay. Jeffrey mentioned that sometimes having fewer resources forces the director and editor to make tighter, better choices, because when given infinite time and money, some people go overboard and don’t know when enough is enough. He also mentioned that, back when you had to actually film on, you know, film, low-budget productions would purchase things called “ends”. These were the chopped off leftovers of film reels after standard budget films were done using the reels. They’d cut off what was left and sell it cheap. So it was a great way to accumulate film on a tight budget, but you’d only be able to do like 3 minutes on each one and it was annoying to have to work through. As for the audience questions, it’s bizarrely awkward to ask a question to a woman whose tits & bush you just saw, along with her about to get eaten out by a revenant holding its own severed head between her legs (if you haven’t seen Re-Animator, stop what you’re doing and watch it now. It’s better than any Marvel film by x1000).
The Lee Majors Q&A was a bit depressing. Due to the way television contracts were structured back then, he never saw a dime from any Steve Austin merchandise, and indeed claims to have had no idea so much of it was ever produced until he started doing conventions. He spoke about the old snobbery that shut out television stars from film productions, and told a funny anecdote about how he loved Bill Shatner when he worked with him, but that Shat had a tendency to, “die to the balcony”. He explained that it’s theater slang for wildly over-acting. He also talked about how Andre the Giant, when playing sasquatch on the show, pissed in the suit all the time, which was super gross, but was also the nicest guy in person you could ever hope to meet, which was super great.
Joe Bob Briggs did a good panel, and spoke about the state of trash cinema and its relative place in modern film production vs. where it was when he got started way back when. He and I chatted a bit about small towns in west Texas. He didn’t think I’d know a few of the places where he’d lived, but I went to college in Lubbock, and so we shared some fond memories of a shitty place that is populated entirely by people who fail out of that college. Another really nice guy. Honestly, the only person who has ever been a dick to us after all these years that we’ve been going was Billy Zane. I still think that, much like Georgia against Texas this past year, Alabama against Oklahoma in that Sugar Bowl a few years back, or Florida against Louisville a few years before that, he just didn’t want to be there and therefore that magically excuses shitty performances.
We bought a few stupid things, like a full-size xenomorph skull
So I own this now, I guess.
because I’m buddies with that vendor and he gave it to me for wholesale. There were some good costumes, but frankly the best ones were people who come every year, and I already took pictures of them and showed you all over the last couple of years. So below are some pics from this year, but not nearly as many. Karaoke on Sat. night was awful, like always, though everybody was in a good mood. Kathleen Kinmont showed up to rock out, but was wasted and happened to share an elevator with us back up to our floor. She was drunk enough that she didn’t stop singing or rocking out once off the stage – it went for the whole elevator ride. There were no infamous David Arquette episodes, however (fun fact: right before he got on stage that night, he bought me a beer at the bar. I didn’t know until later that he was supposed to have been on the wagon. Whoops). I’m also now turning it into an annual tradition to bum a smoke off of Lance Henrikson. Nice guy, but seriously, American Spirits? C’mon, Lance, I wanna see some fancy Hollywood cigarettes.
The year ended with the Sam & Ted Raimi with Bruce Campbell panel. It was really a treat. They’ve known each other since middle school, and told great stories about each other growing up. Sam busted Bruce’s chops constantly, and they told stories about all the things they did as they went around Detroit trying to scrounge up money to make Evil Dead. Sam Raimi has an annoyingly nasally voice, FYI. Anyway the highlight of the panel was, when half the room is raising their hand to ask a question, a particular person who was picked stood up and asked them their opinion on Mac and Me, a shitty 1988 E.T. knockoff. Now keep in mind, none of the panelists had a blessed thing to do with that abomination of a movie. Nothing. It was the non-sequitur from hell. They were so confused they didn’t even know what he was asking – Ted kept thinking he was asking about “mac and cheese”. The moderator even face-palmed and said under his breath but still audibly into the mike, “You get a chance to ask these guys a question and you ask about fucking Mac and Me?” and you could hear the exasperation in his voice. I mean it was bizarre. The questioner was booed down, and after the panel ended and I was waiting outside for my wife to use the restroom, Ted, Sam, and Bruce came out through that side hallway. They were still talking about that, making fun of the guy and wondering what the fuck he was talking about. Seriously, this is like getting to go back in time and pose a question to George Washington, and all you can come up with is asking him if he likes the new Prius body style.
So that was this years (mis)adventure. I was quasi-drunk for most of it and blew $1,500 in three days, but fuck it, that’s why I fight for $15. I look forward to updating you all on the event’s 15th iteration next year, if you don’t see me in the news for bombing FanExpo beforehand.
TWO evil elevator movies from the same director? You’re fucking telling me that you made one evil elevator movie, looked yourself in the mirror and said, “You know what? Ima do it again. The world needs another killer elevator movie.”Me in front of a legit 73′ Oldsmobile Delta 88, from the film Evil Dead.Somebody dressed as the bad guy from Army of DarknessHere’s one you don’t see every convention: a guy dressed like Dr. Loomis. Though he still had that fucking Walking Dead baseball bat, so fuck him.The “battle Delta”, the Delta 88 transformed for combat at the end of Army of DarknessThis person has cleverly turned a book into a monster. My wife tells me it has something to do with Harry Potter, and is therefore un-Christian.I just thought it was funny that this guy was dressed like a fascist, his name for the karaoke was like “Lord Commander” or some shit like that, and he sang fucking Blondie.I love the difference between horror cons and other cons. Here, for example, instead of ripped dudes in tight clothes saving the world, we have family-friendly comics with titles like, “Lets All Die!”Randos in costumeSome dude dressed as the CreeperThis was a clever one. He’s dressed like Stephen King’s poor character from the movie Creepshow.Clever Nightmare on Elm Street costume. More clever than the 1,000 Freddy’s walking around the convention, at any rate.Remember when I did a series of film reviews that focused on the giallo genre? This guy gets it.The Death Note guy was here the last few years, but the chick’s demon costume was super intricate and she ended up winning the contest on Friday night I believe. The most important thing is she was hot.OK now this is what is wrong with the world. This is the side of the box of a Castle Greyskull re-issue toy. Notice that, unlike, say, the original Castle Greyskull box, the person shown enjoying it is not a 5 year old boy, but rather a 35 year old “man” with a shit-eating grin on his face and I FUCKING WANT THAT CASTLE GREYSKULL.A little kid dressed as Nosferatu. I thought it was cute.A shirt for little kids. If you don’t know what the Pork-Chop Express is, stop reading my fucking column.Another great example of horror culture – a children’s book titled, “I Like To Eat Children”. And yes, I bought it for one of my nephews.Another pretty well done costumeI thought this was clever – the guy made a medusa skull.Remember when I mentioned in one of my film reviews about Anthropophagus, the giallo film about the crazy cannibal who at the end of the movie eats his own intestines? SOMEBODY MADE A FUCKING DOLL FOR THAT MOVIE HOLY SHITWeird nazi porn. “Deported Women of the SS Special Section” and “Gestapo’s Last Orgy”.Shit, it’s better than concentration camp pornThis guy was the rarest thing of all at a convention – an original character. Sadly because it’s an original character I completely forgot it’s name and the youtube channel the people were trying to tell me to subscribe to where they upload their short films.Ash Predator. He’s the Predator, but with a ripped blue shirt, chainsaw hand, shotgun slung on his back, and a deadite-colored severed head of another predator.Scott Ian of Anthrax making sure I know I’m not supposed to be taking a picture of him.Two tattoo artists this year. The wife and I are seriously thinking of signing up for a flash next year, which is really all they do given the time constraints.Randumb decoration on a table. Only at Texas Frightmare.Look in the background – it’s advertising a movie called Velocipastor that we saw for free that Friday night about a priest who turns into a were-dinosaur and saves Chinese prostitutes. It…was…awesome.
The episode begins with Macy in the bathtub. So, you know, if that’s your thing, we’re starting out strong this week. She’s listening to classical music with her earbuds in, bubbles strategically covering the parts that matter, some kind of moisturizing mask on her face (look, I know I’m a girl, but I have never used one of those in my life and honestly have no clue how they work). Behind the shower curtain, a shadow appears. It’s definitely a man, and he definitely looks like he’s holding a machete.
For all you preverts out there
Macy’s eyes open, and she sees the shadow, screams, and hurls the silhouette away along with the shower curtain, which tangles the figure up. The shadow yells and yeah it’s Harry.
WHAT?
Why is Harry in their house at 1:00 a.m.?
Why is Macy taking a bath at 1:00 a.m.?* I’m a night owl but that’s late for even me.
Why is Harry, even if he’s staying in their house, going in the bathroom when Macy’s in there taking a bath?
Why does Harry need to use the bathroom at all? I thought he was dead? He’s apparently the type of ghost that can be seen, can interact with ordinary humans and hold tenured faculty positions, can eat and drink, and apparently sleeps and uses the bathroom. Are we sure he’s dead? Is there a purpose to him being dead? Because it makes no sense whatsoever.
* Answer: “1:00 a.m. baths are my safe space.” (Real Dialogue Alert: That was the real dialogue.)
Maggie comes running out of her room wanting to know what’s going on at one in the freaking morning. Macy is apologizing to Harry, who has done nothing to deserve this apology because YOU DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM WHEN SOMEONE IS TAKING A BATH UNLESS YOU’RE OF THE SAME GENDER AND RELATED TO THEM BY BLOOD, okay? You’re a dude—if you need to pee, there are plenty of alternatives for you that are much easier for you than they would be for a dudette. At the very least, you knock and ask if you can come in, you don’t just stroll in. Honestly.
Anyway, what was the purpose of this? Fan service + exposition, that’s what. Harry tersely reminds them that while the Elders are… something… he has to stay with them… because reasons. So now he’s living in their attic, I guess. The Elders apparently have the Book of Shadows…? There’s not more than one copy…? So I guess Harry has to live there when the Book of Shadows… I have no fucking clue, guys. Anyway, he’s mad because HE wanted to take a 1:00 a.m. bath, goddammit.
This… scene, if we can call it that, is interrupted by Mel staggering in yelling at them all to shut up because she has to get up early tomorrow to go to detective partner’s funeral. I still can’t believe they copped (??) out and killed him like that.
At the funeral, Niko recaps what we “learned” about him in the last episode, Mel tells her not to keep replaying it because she’s sick of hearing it it will only make her feel worse, and they make a date for dinner that evening. They leave the graveside only for a young man to approach the grave as they depart. He’s holding flowers in his hand. He’s probably detective partner’s gay lover. Hilltowne, Michigan apparently has a high percentage of F.O.D.s.
Just kidding. He’s a demon. His eyes glow and he turns into smoke and disappears into the freshly tilled earth. Guess we haven’t seen the last of detective partner after all!
This man is definitely straight. Definitely.
Over at the Generic Science Lab, Macy is preparing to give a presentation. Some guy comes in, shaking her hand and addressing her as “Dr. Vaughn”. Oh, so she’s a doctor. She said she was 28, right?
Mm-kay. Well, I guess she wasn’t busy getting laid during that time, so she had a lot of time on her hands.
Anyway, this guy turns out the be the CEO of Morningstar Biotech. He also… possibly is the guy who took the paint can from Charity in the last episode? I dunno, white guys all look alike. Regardless, I don’t trust him. But his company has done a lot of things with epigenetics, whatever that is, and he’s looking to bring Macy into his fold because she’s such a prodigy and all.
While Macy stands there with her jaw dropped at this proposition, a sassy Gaysian who I guess has worked there all along but I’ve never seen him before appears behind her and tells her she better not blow it. Macy asks where Friendzone is as they were supposed to prep their presentation together beforehand. Gaysian is like, “Girlfriend, haven’t you heard the news? He’s been sucked into the Summer Sex Craze!” It may be November, but Friendzone has picked up a BBW named Summer in the time since the last episode. Wait, does BBW stand for Beautiful Black Woman or Big Beautiful Woman? Regardless, Summer is both (if by big you mean tall, because she’s pretty svelte), and Friendzone can’t keep his tongue out of her mouth, even in the Generic Science Lab. Macy is unhappy about this development. Did you lose your virginity to him, Macy? That was never really made clear.
Her beauty is so dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses indoors.
Meanwhile, Niko had an appointment with an FBI agent to discuss what she knew about detective partner, which apparently wasn’t much. The agent gives her his card as she leaves, and as she walks away, he turns to face the camera—HE’S THE DEMON FROM THE CEMETERY! I’D RECOGNIZE THAT WHITE NATIONALIST HAIRCUT ANYWHERE! So, what, is everyone a demon in this episode? Because, frankly, I’d be surprised if Friendzone’s new BBW isn’t a demon. This show isn’t known for its nuanced writing.
At some coffee cart somewhere (on campus…?), Maggie has met up with Regina George. You know something’s wrong because Regina has her hair up in a bun and is only wearing a normal human amount of makeup, and thus looks like a regular person instead of a Stepford Wife. Over pumpkin spiced lattes, Regina informs Maggie that Connerparkerdude has dumped her. Maggie is appropriately sympathetic until Regina states that she knows he must have been cheating on her, because there’s no reason he would have dumped someone as perfect as her if he wasn’t cheating, and she’s going to get vengeance by finding out just who the trollop is.
This seems psychotic but okay.
She enlists Maggie to be the one to do her snooping for her so that she can keep her hands clean. What? Are we in the mob now? She then pulls Maggie into a hug, and Maggie reads her mind to hear her thinking, “Thank God I have Maggie, she’s the only one I trust.”
What a great Kappa sister Maggie is going to make!
A girl who rolls her eyes while hugging me is exactly the sort of person I’d want in my sorority.
Back at the house, Mel and Niko are having dinner, but Niko is too upset to eat. She tells Mel that there’s something she needs to know about detective partner: Just before he died, he told Niko that he’d found a connection between Mel’s mother’s death and the deaths of two other women, one in Santa Fe and one in New Orleans. Presumably these two women were also Elders. I guess they don’t all live in Hilltowne. But Charity was able to apparate into the warehouse when Maggie summoned her, so this doesn’t explain why they keep being so unavailable when the girls need them. Anyway, detective partner had pulled the files on all three of those cases (why the Hilltowne PD would have files on cases in New Orleans and Santa Fe is beyond me), and now no one can find them. Niko is starting to wonder if those three deaths may have been murders, and detective partner stumbled across Something Sinister in his investigation that led to him being murdered himself and then framed for the Halloween deaths.
Mel: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Mel tells her that she thinks she needs to let it go. Niko presses, saying that she knows Mel always believed that her mother’s death wasn’t accidental, and doesn’t she want the truth? I honestly thought that Mel was going to miss the obvious lie here, which would be: If your partner was killed for this, that means you might be in danger, too. But she actually did finally say this, after first trying and failing to play it off like she didn’t care about her mother’s death anymore. Niko grumbles but sits back down. You know she’s not going to let this go, even though Mel is technically right—if it really was a murder and frame-up job, that would be very dangerous for Niko, too. But you know. Whatever.
Outside detective partner’s home, FBI Agent Demon Guy is on the phone with Epigenetics Demon Guy (I was right, he was the one who took the paint can from Charity last episode). He tells him that he searched the apartment but couldn’t find the DNA vials. What? He also tells him that he defiled the grave (eww), so now he can take the detective’s shape. So I guess he won’t be reanimating his corpse. They have some banter. I have no clue what’s going on.
Maggie comes home carrying some extremely large Sponsor bags and busts Macy Facebook stalking Friendzone and his new BBW. Macy says she doesn’t want to talk about it, so Maggie just feels her up in order to read her mind, as you do. Maggie then says that since she doesn’t need to do her Stalking Homework for Regina George, being as she already knows the harlot who came between her and Connerparkerdude was herself, she’s only too happy to help Macy with her stalking. They login to Maggie’s fake stalking account across all social media platform, Mariah Aguilera.
Is this what people do? Is this why I don’t get along with other humans and live alone in the woods in a hut that stands on chicken legs?
THIS EPISODE BROUGHT TO YOU BY…
Now Mel and Niko are on the phone. Niko says she appreciates that Mel is worried for her safety, but safety be damned. Mel suggests they take a weekend off and go somewhere quiet to forget about all this. This suggestion jogs Niko’s memory and reminds her that detective partner had a fishing cabin nearby, and this may be where the evidence is hidden. She hangs up on Mel and runs off.
Honestly, at this point, now I’m worrying about her safety. Especially since, as she drives away, she’s followed by FBI Agent Demon Guy.
Back at the house, Maggie is fuh-REAKING out as she sees how perfect and flawless Friendzone’s BBW is turning out to be. She’s an Ivy League-educated sports journalist (wtf) and her podcast was just picked up by NPR. Her social media is filled with bikini pics, as Ivy League-educated sports journalists are known to do. “She’s so perfect, it’s… creepy! Seemingly ageless, hypnotic pull on men, like, a billion accolades, and impeccable nails? She can’t be human.”
Okay, now I’m thinking she’s not really a demon and this is a red herring meant to trick us into thinking she’s a succubus or something when, in reality, she’s just perfect. Because even this show can’t be that obvious, right? Right??
Macy says she refuses to participate in the demonization of another woman. There we go, I wondered where the feminism went this episode. Maggie counters that it’s not demonization if she’s an actual demon. She calls Harry to ask for his feedback. Instead of apparating in, he comes running in with no pants on and carrying an iron.
Sigh.
I guess they didn’t have a part for him to play in this episode but they couldn’t not have him in it at all.
Harry tells Maggie that her language is problematic (Real Dialogue Alert: that was the real dialogue), but that it’s possible BBW could indeed be a succubus. He also looks at BBW’s photo and says, “My word. She’s supposed to be hot?”
Is that… is that racist?
The three of them decide to investigate. Harry informs them that succubi have wings and tails, but that they disguise these with magic. However, they typically flaunt their true forms with subtle markers such as tattoos or birthmarks in the place where the wings and tail would be. This has no potential to backfire on them, as wings are defintiely not one of the most common tattoos acquired by basic bitches. Maggie and Macy decide to investigate further at the Generic Science Lab’s cocktail party tonight, at which they’re celebrating Epigenetics Demon Guy’s generous and not-at-all-suspicious grant. Harry says he will ask the Elders to send him a succubus banishing spell from the Book of Shadows that they have for some reason, and he’ll text it to them. Cheerio!
Real Dialogue Alert: That was—
Meanwhile, at Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss, Niko has Discovered something. Her partner’s fishing cabin was… honestly a little psychotic. He had a big old pinboard with a shit ton of evidence on it, which seems really inappropriate. Should you be doing stuff like that at a remote fishing cabin instead of, you know, at the police department? On the desk beneath the pinboard is a bag that looks like it’s got a poop sample test in it. I guess this is the “DNA evidence.” Seriously?
Niko grabs the vials and starts photographing the evidence board with her phone. In the midst of this, she’s interrupted by… her dead partner’s reanimated corpse! Or I guess just the FBI Agent Demon Guy masquerading as him. He tells her that he can’t explain right now, but he needs the vials. She just hands them over, of course. He asks her what else she saw. “Everything,” she replies.
Bye, Niko!
The demon punches her in the face, sending her flying against the pinboard and knocking her out cold. He then pulls out a Molotov cocktail and lights that bitch up. The cabin is quickly engulfed in green CGI flames, because why use practical effects when we can just use digital?
Fortunately for Niko, Mel has decided if there’s only going to be one episode this season in which she isn’t a useless bitch, it’s going to be today! Since Niko had blurted out that she was going to her partner’s cabin and its location, Mel was able to track her down and pulls up just in time to find the cabin ablaze. She tries to freeze time, but her powers won’t work on the demon flames. She finds Niko unconscious in the back of the cabin. Unfortunately, they don’t both burn to a crisp here. Mel manages to wake Niko up and the two stagger out of the cabin just before the roof caves in.
From an alternate Wizard of Oz in which one of the Nebraskan’s tricks goes awry and the Emerald City burns down.
Back in Hilltowne, Macy and Maggie have arrived at the Generic Science Lab’s cocktail party, which is… a bar. Did I miss something? Did the definition of the phrase “cocktail party” change?
For some reason they let Maggie in, even though she’s repeatedly stated that she’s only a freshman. Oh, I know. She actually is 21—she failed kindergarten three times. That would explain everything.
Maggie, Macy, Friendzone and BBW make awkward conversation. BBW, feeling the awkward, excuses herself to the bar. Maggie runs off to join her, leaving Macy to… completely bite Friendzone’s head off for getting with another girl after she blew him off umpteen times. Friendzone irritably explains the definition of the words “friend zone” to her. She blinks blankly at him until Maggie and BBW return with beers. BBW rubs her scent all over Friendzone and they leave. Macy decrees that he’s not acting like himself—it’s definitely not like him to assert himself and not allow himself to be strung along any further by her. He must be succubused!
I’m sorry, do you not understand how feminism works? I’m allowed to tell you no forever, but that doesn’t mean you get to leave me for someone else.
At the hospital, Mel and Harry, who is now clothed, are standing vigil over Niko. Mel tells him about the green flames she couldn’t freeze. Harry explains this is Hellfire, a type of “supernatural napalm” favored by demons. Mel also tells him that Niko says she saw detective partner; Harry recognizes that they must be dealing with a shapeshifter. Isn’t it nice that we’ve got him around to mansplain everything? Remember the old days of Non-Feminist Charmed, in which the sisters were on their own and had to figure everything out for themselves by sitting down and reading the Book of Shadows?
Harry has Mel forward herself the pictures Niko took on her phone and then delete them off Niko’s device, hoping that maybe when she wakes up she might not remember everything she saw and that this may protect her. Mel is worried the demon may still try to kill her. She asks Harry how they can protect her without telling her about their magic; Harry responds by yelling, “AS FOR YOUR ARGUMENT, I FAIL TO SEE HOW GANGSTA BITCH MUSIC VOL. 2 CAN BE CONSIDERED A RADICAL MANIFESTO!” Looks like Niko’s awake. Harry excuses himself, citing a “Women’s Studies emergency.”
Real Dialogue Alert: All of that was the real dialogue.
Doesn’t he know that Cardi B. is, like, the most feminist rapper of all time or whatever? (I had to Google this to figure out what they were talking about.)
Back at the bar, Maggie comes out of the bathroom and runs into—literally—Connerparkerdude. She demands to know why he broke up with Regina George. He says, of course, that it’s because he likes Maggie better. He suggests that they give Regina some time to get over it. Maggie correctly points out that there is no amount of time long enough that would make it okay for her to then date her friend’s ex-boyfriend. I can’t even imagine a scenario in which this would work. Even if presumably Regina George is a senior (which she should be, being the president—usually these are elected in the spring and run a calendar year rather than an academic year, with the president being elected the spring of her junior year and finishing her term in the fall of her senior year—but since this is TV I bet that somehow it will come out that she’s supposed to be a freshman, too) and will be graduating soon, if you ever intend to talk to her after graduation that’s a no, and she’s sure to have friends in the sorority who will think you’re a skank and try to push you out even after she’s gone. Basically, girl, you need to choose. And remember: Sisters before misters.
Meanwhile, across the bar, Sassy Gaysian and his boyfriend are regaling Macy with Star Trek: Voyager lore while she attempts to stalk Friendzone and BBW. They’re making out behind the pool table and OH MY GOD HE HAS A SUCCUBUS MARK ON HIM! SERIOUSLY? SHE REALLY IS A SUCCUBUS. THIS SHOW REALLY IS THAT PREDICTABLE. IT DOESN’T EVEN TRY.
Macy runs to Maggie and tells her that BBW is actually a succubus and that they have to save Friendzone. Maggie asks if maybe she’s actually just misunderstood, or if maybe Macy is being melodramatic. See, BBW told Maggie that she liked her outfit. That’s all it takes.
Friendzone and BBW walk by, and Macy points out that BBW has a basic bitch tattoo: wings and a tail on her tailbone. Maggie proclaims that she always knew that tramp stamps were the work of the devil, and she’s back in the game. That’s all it takes.
Back at the hospital, Niko is asleep again and a nurse comes in, telling Mel that she needs to give Niko an injection. She’s holding a vial full of bright green liquid. Mel is supicious, glances out the window to the hallway and sees that same nurse outside folding hospital gowns. She freezes the demon, and then… instead of calling Harry to give her a sealing spell or something intelligent, she just SLOWLY WALKS OVER TO THE DEMON and sticks her face right up to the syringe and then TA-DA! The demon springs to life, grabbing her by the throat and lifting her up into the air. They struggle, Mel repeatedly freezing time and then losing her grip, and the demon almost makes it over to Niko with the goddamn syringe before Mel FINALLY calls Harry. He tackles the demon and eventually manages to stab it in the neck with its own poison. It turns into smoke and disappears into the air duct on the ceiling.
IT’S A GOOD THING WE’VE GOT MR. MAN HERE TO—
Excuse me, I’m pretty sure an injection of lime green Jell-O is not standard treatment for smoke inhalation.
Niko is discharged and Mel brings her back to the sisters’ house. Mel wants to know why the demon is so focused on Niko instead of her, since she’s the Charmed One. Harry says that shapeshifter demons tend to be singular in nature and refuse to give up on a target once they’ve zeroed in on it, so for whatever reason, now that the demon is after Niko, it’s not going to give up until one of them is dead. Mel knows that even if they manage to kill this demon, Niko will still be at risk as long as she’s near Mel. She asks Harry if there’s a spell that could make it so Niko doesn’t remember they’ve ever met. Harry says there is, but tries to fob her off by reminding her that they don’t have the Book of Shadows for Some Reason. Mel asks him to ask the Elders if they can send her the spell.
Meanwhile, Maggie and Macy have tracked BBW back to her apartment. They knock on the door, BBW answers it, they cast the succubus binding spell on her and… nothing happens. So she’s not a succubus?
BBW, being kind and understanding as well as perfect, sympathetically tells Macy that she understands; she’s also done crazy things while drunk and jealous, and if Macy leaves right now she won’t tell Friendz—
Oh, Friendzone! What are you doing here, dressed in nothing but a towel? And will someone please explain to me what that glowing mark on his hip is if it’s not a succubus mark? Macy points it out to Maggie, but no one but Macy can see it, which makes Macy look even more drunk. BBW kindly informs Friendzone that she left her wallet at the bar and Macy and Maggie were just here to return it to her. The sisters leave with their tails between their legs.
Eyes upstairs, missy, you had your chance to let him deflower you and you blew it.
When they get home, Mel has the Book of Shadows, which Harry has brought back from the Elders. What was the purpose of them taking it, again? She asks the others to help her perform a history rewriting spell, which requires the Power of Three. This will undo the past and make it so that Niko and Mel never met, which will further make it so Niko never transferred to Hilltowne from her old position in nearby Lakeville (such originally named cities), adding a further layer of protection. Only Macy, Mel, Maggie, and Harry will have any memory of how things were before. Maggie asks if this will undo detective partner’s death, or even go so far as undo their mother’s death since she was still alive at the time Niko and Mel met. Harry says no, the spell will only affect the living—death is the one thing that can’t be undone.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?? BUT DETECTIVE PARTNER IS ONLY DEAD **BECAUSE** NIKO WAS DATING MEL! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE KILLED HIM IN THIS REALITY IF HE WASN’T KILLED THE WAY HE WAS KILLED?
Harry tells them they need to be absolutely sure before they do this because the consequences can be extreme. Apparently his existence is due to some kind of similar spell, and because of it, he has no memory of his previous life. All he knows is that he died performing some sort of service of Good that the Elders saw fit to reward by turning him into a Whitelighter.
YOU JUST SAID DEATH CAN’T BE—
Harry tells Mel that the evidence Niko found will disappear off her phone after the spell is performed, so they need to analyze that evidence before they conduct the spell because they won’t be able to look at it again. He also tells her every physical trace of their relationship will be gone forever, so you can kiss that Cure album goodbye, bitch.
The girls set up the spell while hipster music wails. Mel goes down to say goodbye to Niko only to find her throwing her shoes on—gotta go back to the cabin with the chief and see if anything is salvageable, gotta solve this case, like a dog with a bone…
Mel has to freeze time in order to keep the maniac from running out the door and dying before they can cast the spell. She tries to say goodbye to her frozen form, but the spell kicks in first. Mel reaches out to kiss her, but she disintegrates into the sands of time and disappears first. This might actually have moved me IF THE EFFECTS WEREN’T SO GODDAMN SHITTY.
Seriously, who thought this looked good?
The next day, Maggie and Mel are stalking Niko on Facebook. She’s back to wearing the fake glasses she threw away in the second episode (I didn’t recap it, but while she was screaming about all the microaggressions in that episode she announced that her glasses were fake to make people take her seriously, and she stopped wearing them but I didn’t notice it until way later), but otherwise she seems happy. Macy decrees that she thinks it’s not worth it for witches to date. You would say that, now that you’re the one who’s been friendzoned.
Mel says that even if she can’t have Niko anymore, at least she’ll always have the memories. Harry, who has embraced his new role as butler and is cooking them all a full English breakfast, looks uncomfortable about this turn of phrase. Maggie feels bad and tells him that even though he can’t remember his own family, they’re happy to welcome him into their family. Harry tells her that she’s “such an American millennial.”
I honestly have no clue where he was going with that one.
The four of them discuss their next plan of action. Mel describes the evidence she saw, WHICH SHE APPARENTLY DIDN’T SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE (except possibly Harry) before sending it into the eternal oblivion. The three witches’ bodies all had similar branch-like bruising or some other kind of marking, which Mel asserts she’ll know if she sees again. But her sisters won’t, since the moron didn’t show them the pictures.
“I’ll take my full English breakfast vegan and gluten-free, Jeeves.”
Harry tells Macy that the mark she saw on Friendzone, even if it wasn’t a succubus mark, is likely some kind of demon mark, and tells her that he can make a copy of it but she’ll need to get close to him to perform the spell. She does this by going over to his apartment, apologizing for being a diva, and then pulling him to an awkward hug. Mission accomplished.
Maggie, meanwhile, has to go meet with Regina George, with the intention of telling her the truth about Connerparkerdude. This goes about as well as you might expect. Honestly, Regina George has for the most part acted like a normal human being rather than a plastic cunt the last two episodes, so I was definitely on her side here. She gives Maggie the boot from Kappa, which, frankly, she had coming. HOS BEFORE BROS, HO.
Over at the campus, Mel is heading to teach her class, only to find someone else teaching it. Oh, right! The morning of her job interview, she slept through her alarm but Niko woke her up. Since she and Niko never dated, Niko wasn’t there to wake her up, which means Mel now doesn’t have a job. She had a job, I guess? I knew she was a grad student, so I’m guessing this was one of those classes they have grad students teach. But does that really count as a job? Or is she now no longer a grad student at all? I don’t know shit and I doubt the writer of this series does, either. Anyway, unintended consequences! Which apparently only affect Mel, since Friendzone and Regina George were completely unchanged!
At an undisclosed location, FBI Agent Demon Guy and Epigenetics Demon Guy are arguing because neither of them can remember what FBI Agent Demon Guy’s mission was, since Niko has basically disappeared off the timeline. FBI Agent Demon Guy calls Epigenetic Demon Guy “Dad.” Oh, okay. They finally agree that the Charmed Ones must have caused a temporal shift, and they’ll have to figure out another way to get the witch Elders’ DNA.
That’s what was in the poop vials? And detective partner managed to have that how? He managed to get that away from the Santa Fe PD and the New Orleans PD and/or the FBI how?
Epigenetics Demon Guy says that instead of Elder DNA, they should focus on Charmed One DNA instead. And he knows just how to get it… *zoom in on computer with Macy’s Generic Science Lab profile*
1990? I’m seriously supposed to buy a Ph.D. younger than my sister?
Overall thoughts: This one wasn’t too derpy. It was, of course, completely retarded and overflowing with logical errors. But at least (?) it wasn’t political. Not much feminism apart from that one scene where Macy said she didn’t want to demonize other women/Harry called Maggie problematic right before calling BBW ugly. Mel was actually pretty normal in this one rather than a raging cunt. I might have been moved by the scene where Niko was being written out of the tapestry of time if it weren’t for the GODAWFUL shitty 90s-tier CGI. Regina George was written pretty even-handedly, for Regina George. I mean, apart from that psychotic break where she wanted Maggie to investigate the trollop on her behalf so she could end her. But she actually did acknowledge her psychotic behavior in a fit of tears just before Maggie confessed the truth to her, so that warmed me to her.
They better bring the woke back next week or I’ll be out of a job!
First thing first: About the socks. I bought a couple pairs of these in response to Michael Malice’s book and his delightful podcast (Promo Code: Welcome30). They are indeed nice. I am not going to say these socks will change your life when you buy them. If a pair of socks changes your life, chances are pretty good you are homeless or your life otherwise sucks. So grab a pair of these socks, and if they change your life, please consider reevaluating the choices you made to get to this point.
A way to think of this book, is a comparison he makes on his interview with Michael Malice on his podcast to the classic, Dante’s Inferno. In this book, with assistance of a Roman poet/philosopher Virgil, Dante descends into Hell to witness the eternal punishment of sinners. One discovers with Dante, the further along the book, the further removed from grace the sin, the further he must descend into Hell, thus the harsher the punishment. Here the further along the reader goes, he or she descends further from “safe” and “respectable” cultural and political thought.
Fourteen year old Tulip lurrvvved her some 
