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  • Grandpa’s Watch

    An Old Watch

    On a small wooden stand in my office, there is an old watch.  It’s nothing special and has no value to anyone but me.  It’s an old Westclox Pocket Ben, which probably cost a couple of bucks back in the 1930s; an old windup tin case watch with a little second hand and a fob hand-braided out of nylon string.  The crystal is cracked, and the watch will run when wound but only for an hour or so.

    It’s an old, cheap, busted watch, with a market value of zero.  But Bill Gates couldn’t buy that watch from me.  It was my grandfather’s watch, and aside from a few old letters and postcards my mother saved, it’s the only tangible thing I have from him.

    Back in The Day…

    When I was a little tad, there were several figures that loomed large in my young life.  My Dad, of course, and his father, my Grandpa Clark; our neighbor, who had the farmstead down the road, Brownie, a WW1 veteran who was a great surrogate grandfather.  But my Grandpa Baty figured very high among that lot.

    Grandpa in 1915.

    It is no understatement to say that Grandpa was, as they put it in those days, “a bit of a character.”  Born in 1896, he had attended college and obtained a degree (exactly at what level, I never have known) in business, and worked in a bank in Waterloo for a few months around the time of the Great War.  But he found he hated being indoors all day, and so went back to the family farm and ended up taking it over from his father; he was a farmer and carpenter for the rest of his life.  He was widely known around northern Lynn County for his dry wit, his skill at shoring up old barns, and his uncanny ability to pull harvests of corn and soybeans out of the dry, sandy soil of the old farm.

    The Baty family farm was a century farm, having been homesteaded by my great-great-great-grandfather, one William Baty, in the 1830s.  It was passed on in turn to his son Thomas Jefferson Baty, who served in the Civil War; then to my great-grandfather, Andrew Jackson Baty, and thence to Grandpa.  My mother was fond of pointing out that when she was growing up during the Depression, that farm families may not have had much money but they always had enough to eat; she was also fond of paraphrasing a Patrick McManus quote, pointing out that her family was among “…the landed gentry of eastern Iowa during the Depression; we owned the wall we had our backs to.”  During those hard years Grandpa kept a bunch of laying hens, a milk cow and a few pigs, and they got along just fine.

    The farm was fifty acres of sandy bottomland along the Wapsipinicon River in northern Lynn County, Iowa.  I spent a good part of my youth wandering around that old farmstead.

    When I was a little kid, I remember watching Grandpa shave, which he did every day, even if he was just choring around the farm.  I’d watched my Dad shave with a safety razor, but Grandpa used shaving soap with a badger-hair brush and a straight razor, which he touched up on a leather strop before each use.  I thought that was pretty cool.  Grandpa always wore his old hickory Key bib overalls, and he always had his old pocket watch stuck in the bib pocket, secured with a fob he had tied up out of coarse nylon string.  Whenever I remember my Grandpa, I remember the smell of his shaving soap and the sound of that watch ticking.

    The Great Outdoors

    A string of Minnesoda fish, 1968.  Grandpa, Mom, Dad and me.

    Like most of my family, Grandpa didn’t care much for hanging around the house.  With a good fishing river only a ten-minute walk from the house, there just wasn’t any reason not to go try to catch a mess of smallmouths for supper.

    Not content with his friendly little stretch of the Wapsi, Grandpa accompanied my Mom, Dad and I on adventures fishing in Minnesota and Wisconsin.  A family friend had a cabin on the edge of the Red Lake Indian reservation, and it was a favorite destination.  While he was a better-than-average angler, Grandpa always opined that the best part of fishing was just being outdoors, along the river, on a nice day, with his family.

    Grandpa taught me how to roll cornmeal and strawberry jam doughballs for carp bait.  He taught me that those same doughballs made decent snacks.  He taught me how to cook up corn dodgers to pack along for solid fare in a cold camp.  He taught me how to start a fire with two sticks, as long as both were matches.  He taught me the importance of dry socks before even the Army did.  He taught me more outdoor lore than anyone except my Dad, and I’m happy to say that the most important lesson, just how great it was to be outdoors and not mucking about inside, has stuck with me better than all the others combined.

    Spinning a Yarn or Two

    Ever heard of flying snakes?  Grandpa had them on his farm, or so he told me when I was seven or eight years old.  One summer day we spent the better part of the afternoon tramping around the place looking for flying snakes, which he had convinced me really existed.  We didn’t find any.  When we returned to the house, my Mom called me away for a moment, explaining, “Grandma wants to talk to Grandpa for a minute.”  I remember not being quite able to make out words, but I had the distinct impression that Grandma, a tough old farm wife, was giving Grandpa a damn good piece of her mind.

    But his wife’s disapproval would never stand in the way of a good yarn.

    On one visit Grandpa handed me a badly worn chunk of what appeared to be hard black rubber.  “I was out working on the tractor,” he explained, “and this fell out of the sky and hit me on the head.  I saw on the news last night that one of the Apollo spaceships flew over yesterday.  I think this fell off its steering wheel when they went by.”  This was a stretch too far for me to quite believe, even coming from my Grandpa to the eight-year-old me, especially when I noticed later that Grandpa’s ancient John Deere was missing a chunk of the hard rubber coating for its steering wheel that was suspiciously the same size as the chunk off “the Apollo spaceship.”

    Endless were the tales of Grandpa’s adventures.  Fish would poke their heads out of the river and talk to him.  Once a raccoon woke him up and warned him that the neighbor’s cows were in his cornfield.  He was on a first-name basis with every squirrel on the farm and conversed with them all regularly.  In that case I suspect he may have been telling some sort of truth, as after I started hunting in earnest, he reminded me of the rule that all my cousins and I had to follow, namely that no squirrels were to be harmed on his place.

    A Work Ethic

    But most of all, Grandpa was a man who couldn’t abide other people butting into his business, whether those people carried a government-issued title or not.  He was an old-fashioned sort of man who minded his yard, his farm and his family, and didn’t bother anyone if they just left him alone.

    Watching Grandpa fish, 1970

    My first paying job came along when I was about ten years old.  I had a brand-new pellet gun and took it along when we were down at the farm visiting the grandparents for the weekend.  Grandpa eyed the pellet gun and asked me if I was a good shot.

    “Pretty good,” I bragged, full of ten-year-old bravado.

    “Good,” Grandpa grinned at me.  “Come on.”

    We walked across the barnyard to where Grandpa’s corncrib sat, full of the recent harvest.  “I’ve got some problems with rats,” he told me.  “Sit quiet here on this old tractor tire and watch for a while, and you’ll see them.  I’ll give you, oh, a dime for every dead rat you can pile up.”

    “OK,” I said, “I’ll get a bunch.”

    I made five dollars that weekend, my first foray into the gig economy.  This would have been around 1971, when five dollars would keep a kid in pop and candy bars for quite a spell.  I was happy to have the cash, Grandpa was pleased with the pile of dead rats (although not so pleased that he didn’t leave it to me to bury them out in the cornfield) and my folks were pleased that I had learned a lesson in exchange of value.

    A few years later, I was about thirteen, and Grandpa offered to buy me a bottle of pop in town if I’d help him rig up the galvanized metal chutes in that same corncrib; the corncrib had two sides, and Grandpa’s little PTO-driven elevator would dump the corn in through a hatch in the roof, through the chutes to one side or the other for storage.  We spent about an hour rigging the Rube Goldberg contraption up; when we finished, Grandpa flashed his characteristic grin at me and said, “those cobs will go through that like shit through a tin horn.”

    I realized then and there that I must be growing up, as Grandpa would never swear in front of a woman or a child.

    Grandpa put in his last corn crop the year before he died at 78.  He worked, always, well past the age that people nowadays think of retirement; but I honestly don’t think the idea ever occurred to him.  He gave up carpentry for hire about the time he turned 70, but he honestly loved farming and saw no reason to quit; he loved muddling around the place, plotting next year’s allocation of land to field corn and popcorn for the popcorn works at Vinton.  He enjoyed fiddling with his ancient John Deere Model A, patching up the fences and occasionally sneaking down to the Wapsi for a spot of fishing.  He had a simple life but a great life.  He taught me more than I have time to tell you here, but all of that is paying off now that I’m the Grandpa.

    And Then…

    Grandpa’s Watch

    The summer I was fourteen, in 1975, Grandpa died, of complications of diabetes.  It’s useless to think about how these days, improvements in treatment may have resulted in a longer life for this man I loved and admired; that was then, he died, and that was that.

    But for the fourteen-year-old me, it was a hell of a bad time.  It was the first time I lost anyone I loved.  Since then, that instance has come along more often, but that was the first time.

    A few months after the funeral, Dad and I were out fishing.  We walked down a favorite northeast Iowa trout stream, fishing as we went, until we came across a spot Grandpa had called a favorite.  It made me feel bad, and I said so.  But Dad, with wisdom typical of him, said I shouldn’t feel bad.  He had, after all, loved and admired his father-in-law, as so many people did, but he also knew the way to see things.  “We should feel glad,” he said, “that your Grandpa was here to enjoy these days with us.  He’d want us to keep doing that.”

    So, we did.

    That’s how Grandpa left us.  Last year, after my Dad passed, Mom dug out Grandpa’s old pocket watch, which she had put away all those years for this moment.  “I want you to have Daddy’s watch,” she told me.  “Take care of it.”  I promised her I would; now Mom is gone too, but my promise to her holds.

    Now, once in a while, I take the old Pocket Ben off the stand, wind it up, put it to my ear and listen to it ticking for a few minutes…  And suddenly, I’m a little kid again, sitting on my Grandpa’s lap at the kitchen table, hearing his watch, smelling his shaving soap, and listening to one of his tall tales.

    That’s a great feeling.

  • Monday Morning Linkings of Swiss

    A cry for our times.

     

    Looks like another day of living off coffee and grimly holding on to my temper, from lack of sleep. The links quality may reflect this. But I get an alleged large step toward relief tomorrow morning, so by next week…maybe we will progress to mediocre links! Huzzah.

    But what you get this morning is right here:

    • “I dunno, shall we call it a draw?” Both sides realize, the other just won’t seem to quit, and cannot succeed…so maybe a little jaw-jaw? Of course, please note this would be round seven, of this current set of blatherings.
    • So…who has been missing the past 6 months, only to return lately?
    • Um…”led to prostitution”? Ma’am, you were already there.
    • Grandpa Gulag outflanks Lieawatha on the left.

    Music, I leave to the commentariat. You know what to do.

  • Things to Come – Week of June 24th

    Summer appears to be taking it toll on our authors. We are a bit light/unsure on content this week.  [INSERT SEMI-DIGNIFIED PLEADING BY SWISS FOR CONTENT TO BE SUBMITTED]. But imma gonna tell you about what we do have, by cracky!

    Monday – Animal continues keeping us entertained and informed on Modays – but this one is not firearm related. Tune in. ’nuff said. SP will continue the Guide to Insufferable Politeness. This @#$%b lot could use some @#$%ing manners. I don’t know how it could insufferable? That means I will have to read the @#$&ing article, eh?

    Tuesday – Yeah, about Tuesday… MLW is getting fried by “Woke Charmed”, so that may be a bit more periodic, rather than regularly scheduled. And I am going in for a lovely cortisone shot right between the C6 and C7 vertebrae. So, content is…not settled at this point.

    Wednesday – Hat and Hair double feature. The Tale of Goode King Donald continues, and CPRM finishes our minds off in the evening. If that doesn’t spell entertainment, nothing does!

    Thursday – RC Dean gets pessimistic. Well, in an article. Yes, just read it, will ya? Then we will hear from Sir Digby. Good to get some people contributin’ around here!

    Friday – What are We Reading by our very own Glibs Staff. I will actually have an entry. Other than “raclette place menus” or “beer list” or “wine list” or “spirits list”. A cryptid to be named later will visit us in the evening.

    Weekends continue to see OMWC, Not Adhan, Spudalicious and Mexican Sharpshooter lay it all out for us.

    Weekday links should come from me, Banjos, OMWC, Brett and any substitutes we need to jam in at the last minute.

    Please consider sending something – as you can see, we take all comers, all topics and subjects. That is part of what makes this place the bestest in the whole intarweb!

    The comments are all yours.

  • IFLA: The “My Brain is All Melty” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of Jun 23

    Recovering from the oddest sinus infection I have ever experienced.   Way behind on sleep, work, and I haven’t been shooting in a week.  The skies are silent and cold.  They tell me little.  The only alignment is Saturn retrograde – Earth – Mercury signifying a new beginning at home.  Which is — perhaps — somewhat more useful than telling us that the sun will rise in the East (for those living in temperate latitudes).  It will be a really excellent week for Cancers, packing the sun, Mercury and Mars in there for a few days.  The beginning of the week will be extraordinarily auspicious for those born under that sign for success in competitions, and for everyone else, it’s advice to play things defensively if you want to win.  Familial harmony persists with Venus in Gemini, and the Moon in Pisces will make it very difficult to establish anything permanent.  Instead take advantage of the ephemeral nature of events and things.

    The cards say this week is going to be chock-full of obstacles and opposition.  But, they also say that this week is beatable if you use your resources effectively.  So you’ve got that going for you.  Expect stricter monitoring from your superiors.

    Cancer:  Ace of Coins – Perfect contentment, felicity, ecstasy, gold, effective bribes.

    Leo:  Temperance reversed – events or things connected with religion or sects, disunion, unfortunate combinations, competing interests

    Virgo:  King of Swords reversed – Cruelty, evil intentions, perversity, barbarity, breach of faith.

    Libra:  The Lovers reversed – Failure, foolish designs

    Scorpio:  Ace of Cups reversed – False heart, mutation, instability, revolution

    Sagittarius:  Ace of Swords – Triumph, excess in everything, great love and hatred

    Capricorn:  Knight of Coins reversed – Inertia, idleness, stagnation, discouragement, carelessness

    Aquarius:  10 of Wands reversed – Contrarieties, difficulties, intrigues

    Pisces:  The Hanged Man reversed – Selfishness, crowds, politics

    Aries:  8 of Wands – Activity, swiftness, hope, new or reawakened love

    Taurus:  The Empress reversed – Light, truth, the unraveling of involved matters, vacillation, public rejoicing

    Gemini:  Judgment – Weakness, pusillanimity, simplicity, deliberation, decision

     

  • Sunday Morning Brief Links

     

    And coincidentally, I’m wearing my briefs. And aching mightily from hauling heavy objects yesterday in preparation for an onslaught of visitors. And there will be many more today, so this will be a bit leaner and more terse than is my usual. Sorry.

     

    Birthdays: a guy I find interesting and often infuriating; one of the greatest men in NFL history; and a guy without whom we’d all be talking with tin cans and taut strings.

     

    Here’s a riddle: What do immigrants and Iran have in common?

     

    “Not enough graft for me.”

     

    It’s amazing the shit politicians can say with a straight face. Do they crack up later when no-one is watching?

     

    There are people I want to punch.

     

    Here’s a shock: Biden is a mendacious asshole. 

     

    Florida Woman.

     

     

    Old Guy Music. Little commentary, great song.

  • Saturday night links of “S, A, T-U-R, D-A-Y, NIGHT!”

     

    Perception.

     

    Climate change has wreaked such havoc on the planet that it rained here on the first day of Summer.

    Mengele reincarnated?

    The forecast is mucho street tacos.

     

    Reality.

     

    My guess is this has a snowball’s chance in Gaza.

    No food dates until they put out, or invite them over for dinner.

     

    OMWC.

     

    Time out of time.

    Mmmmm, meat.

     

    You know what’s coming.

     

     

     

     

  • I Want to Tell You About Heshi Socks: A Review of The New Right, by Michael Malice

    First thing first:  About the socks. I bought a couple pairs of these in response to Michael Malice’s book and his delightful podcast (Promo Code: Welcome30).  They are indeed nice.  I am not going to say these socks will change your life when you buy them.  If a pair of socks changes your life, chances are pretty good you are homeless or your life otherwise sucks.  So grab a pair of these socks, and if they change your life, please consider reevaluating the choices you made to get to this point.

     

     

    This is my review of Anchorage Brewing Co Easy Evil Black Raspberry Saison

    As a quick primer on the author:  his Wikipedia page can be found at this link.  For those refusing I enact their labor, Malice is an anarchist is the purest sense.  He is best known for his appearances on Kennedy or his previous book, Dear Reader:  The Unauthorized Biography of Kim Jung Il.  He is has a fairly well-known presence on Twitter; essentially as a troll with a large following.  Ever wonder where the reply of “Your*” in response to the proper use of the word, “you’re” (or vice versa) came from?  That started with him, and is meant to generate an indignant response from the person who made the mistake of making a statement using the second person, is incapable of arguing the merits of the idea, and instead focuses on grammar.  That is what trolling is after all, an attempt to manipulate the emotional response of a half-wit to the troll’s delight.  His latest book The New Right:  A Journey to the Fringe of American Politics, is available here on Amazon.  It is a treatise if sorts, on how culture is derived from the fringe of society and how that fringe is made up of various factions on “the right”.

    He has certain definitions and views that should first be identified before this book is further discussed.

    Conservatism vs. Progressivism:  There is no functional difference between the two, aside from acceptance of the pace and direction culture moves.  He consistently defines a conservative as, “a progressive driving the speed limit”.

    The New Right:

    A loosely connected group of individuals united by their opposition to progressivism, which they perceive to be a thinly veiled fundamentalist religion dedicated to egalitarian principles and intent on totalitarian world domination via globalist hegemony.

    The Cathedral:  An oversimplified definition may be the “Evangelical Left”; universities, the media, and expansive government.  He cites Mencius Moldbug for the concept but a more convenient quote (for me) is from Jim Goad:

    […]cultural progressivism, egalitarianism, social justice, or whatever the fuck you’re calling it these days–is simply Christianity with God removed.  Your “God”–your untouchable premise–is the naively childish and entirely unscientific notion of innate human equality.

    A way to think of this book, is a comparison he makes on his interview with Michael Malice on his podcast to the classic, Dante’s Inferno.  In this book, with assistance of a Roman poet/philosopher Virgil, Dante descends into Hell to witness the eternal punishment of sinners.  One discovers with Dante, the further along the book, the further removed from grace the sin, the further he must descend into Hell, thus the harsher the punishment.  Here the further along the reader goes, he or she descends further from “safe” and “respectable” cultural and political thought.

    Safe and respectable according to whom?  The Cathedral.  This choice in metaphors is not made lightly.

    This book otherwise takes a long look at the intersection of various subgroups that make up the right as Malice sees it.  He begins where many at this site presently are:  the convergence of Murray Rothbard/Pat Buchannan (Anachro-capitalist/Paleo-conservative) wings that came about in the early 1990’s.  This is prescient for me, because this is several years prior to my coming of age and any explanation I was ever given to this philosophy was framed negatively.  He then presents others such as Milo Yionopo… Yoiunoppo…  He presents others such as infamous homosexual agent-provocateur Milo and how The Cathedral, with some success, attempted to take him down a few years ago.  We see this today with Steven Crowder, though his forays with the Cathedral are far too recent, and probably too blasé to be discussed by Malice in this book.  In later chapters he discusses other figures such as Mike Cernivoch, Gavin McGinnes, Anne Coulter, Jared Taylor, Pax Dickinson…and beyond.  It is thorough exposé across a wide spectrum of free thinking people, united only in their opposition to progressives.

    One can look at this book, and the comparison to Dante’s Inferno and view it is as a bit of a warning.  To whom is this warning directed?  At the risk of being declared a heretic around here…youYES, YOU.  THE READER.

    OBEY

    An analogy he constantly uses, in spite of it being a cliché, is the red pill.  This of course is a reference to the 1999 movie The Matrix and essentially means one is exposed to the existence of the lie that is Wonderland, and taking the red pill means remaining in Wonderland and following the White Rabbit where it takes you.  In this case the lie is the Cathedral, and the pillars that hold it up.  Once one takes the red pill, he or she becomes acquainted with the symbols and the methods the Cathedral uses to keep the population under control.  The problem of course, is in The Matrix, Morpheus only gives Neo a single red pill.  This is important as only one is needed.  Don’t take the entire bottle.  Another way perhaps to look at this is the movie They Live.  Here it is not a red pill but a pair of sunglasses that allows the wearer to see people as they truly are.  The problem is continually wearing the sunglasses will eventually become painful to look through.

    The analogy of the sunglasses however has several limitations, hence Malice chooses the red pill.  To begin, one first takes the red pill and discovers the truth:  there is no functional difference between progressivism, and conservatism; only the speed at which one is traveling on the road to serfdom.  The problem he finds, is once one discovers this, and immerse oneself in the literature, one begins to question everything.  One sees the media is not to be trusted, then then seeks news and opinion “elsewhere” (ALTERNATIVE FACTS!!).  Once others point out inconsistencies, and that the opinions one seeks “elsewhere” are also to not to be trusted, one descends further into the inferno, and finds oneself making unnecessary if/then connections, or connections that are dangerous to make.  i.e. George Stephanopoulos worked for the Clinton administration and expects to be taken seriously as an objective journalist (red pill), then Nick Gillespie is a cosmopolitan cuck that simply wants to be accepted by his establishment colleagues in the media (two pills), which becomes John Podesta being a tool of a secret society of child molesters (too many red pills), then escalates into taking “race realism” seriously because (((They))) are behind it and casually using racial slurs is okay if the context allows (empty bottle).  “Blood and soil” is all that remains, cowboy….

    Slow down, and think about what you are doing.  Yes, this has occurred here in a site comprised of people that identify themselves as libertarian.  Who remembers PapayaSF?

    Here is a fun example.  SpongeBob Squarepants…is gay.  No seriously, here is an article that makes a rather poor case why SpongeBob is a homosexual.  The rationalist after taking the red pill will say, “C’mon, he’s a Sponge.  Sponges reproduce asexually and its a kids show.”  Too many red pills results in coming across sites like that, and thinking there is a “gay agenda” that is putting subtle messages into children’s programing in an effort to create acceptance of homosexuality, and even make children homosexuals themselves.  After all, the show’s creators said this was certainly not the case but they said it through establishment media and they can’t be trusted…

    …anyways, this beer pours in a manner that I can only describe as “Carbonated Merlot”.  If you are the type that likes sours, or saisons, there is nothing traditional about this beer to make you think it is either, so I have no idea if you will be into it.  The tartness of the black raspberries blasts its way into everything, and it immediately turned me off at first.  You have to let it warm up slightly to get anything else past that.  There is a hint of citrus fruitiness, as it is still a saison, that you might find after letting it sit for a bit.  This is not one to chug, because you probably won’t be able to from the tartness.  Sip it, and enjoy it with a book.

    So the bottom line?  I highly recommend this book, but tread carefully out there, Heshi socks are quite nice, and Anchorage Brewing Co Easy Evil Black Raspberry Saison rates a very respectable  3.8/5.

  • Saturday Morning Heavy Object Links

    “OK, you need to move everything out of your lab, haul it upstairs, and set it up there. As soon as you do that, you need to haul everything that’s upstairs to the downstairs to make room for more stuff you’re hauling from downstairs to upstairs.” This will be my Saturday. It is not often that one thinks, “Man, I wish Warty was here,” but this is one of those times. No time to spare, so let’s just get to it.

    Birthdays today include a fun guy with reputedly a huge dick; co-star of TV’s most perfect comedy; candidate for the most overrated actress; a comedian who knew how to go out with a bang; an absolutely disgusting fraud who became the patron saint of ambulance-chasers; and the queen of processed and unchallenging punk.

     

    British politics is getting nearly as entertaining as ours.

     

    I’ve never been an opera fan, but I could be convinced.

     

    More TSA heroes.

     

    Attention Swiss Servator!

     

    Hey, Cubans, if you don’t like it, there ARE still lampposts.

     

    Cheer on the police state! What could possibly go wrong?

     

    You have enough money to, ahhh, take care of this situation.

     

    “This time, for sure!”

     

    “We’re the government and we’re here to help you!”

     

    Old Guy Music is a selection from an interesting concept album, “Seven Curses,” the songs on which are all American murder ballads. Cheerful! Here’s a wonderful cowboy song.

  • Changing Passwords

    The Great Glibertarian Cleansing of 2019 has started.

    Being a merciful Ditka dictator, my first step in securing and degrading inactive accounts is to change the passwords. If you have received a notice from WordPress that your Glib site password has been changed, it was (most likely) me. If you would still like to keep your account active, you should be able to easily change your password again yourself from the login screen. For now.

    FYI, the way I am checking if an account is active or inactive is to check when last a comment was publicly posted by that account. Because we are a wee bit paranoid around here, my policy is to delete server logs; I can’t turn over what I don’t have. So, if you haven’t commented “recently” chances are good your password will be re-set.

    If you have any questions about the process, the reasons, want to pipe up and let me know you’re still alive, or wonder if in fact I am the one who changed your password, please fuck off, slaver get in touch through the website issues contact form.

    Have a great weekend.

    (Yes, I am the boss of you.)

     

  • This [REDACTED] is [REDACTED] as [REDACTED]

    THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFFIED;

    THAT MEANS IF THIS IS LEAKED, BAD THINGS HAPPEN;

    STOP LEAKING, ITS DANGEROUS IF THE PUBLIC FINDS OUT WHAT GOES ON IN THE WAR ROOM

    STOP LEAKING, DAMN YOU!!

    THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED

    Location:  US State Department, Henry Kissinger Conference Room

    “I know, I do, I P.  Me, Mike P on Iran.  That which is he, who is me.  You all got that?”  Secretary Pompeo declared.  “Iran is going to get a big steaming load of hot ass all over their Mohammadean chests, when I am done with them!”

    “This has nothing to do with Iran.  Just because we called in the Joint Chiefs, doesn’t mean we are asking you to create a war, Mr. Secretary.”  Acting SecDef Patrick Shannahan replied.  “Certainly not one with Iran.”

    “But I want to take a big shit on Iran!”  Pompeo sat down on the floor with his arms crossed.

    “That’s not why we’re here.”

    “This isn’t fair.  I want to shit on Iran.  I was promised I can go to war with Iran if I took this shit job, and damnit  I wanna war with Iran!”

    The room fell silent enough to hear the collective eye rolls from the Joint Chiefs, and Bolton’s mustache furiously fapping upon a unlit cigarette.

    “We need to brief the President on…another issue that has been making the rounds in the media.”  Shannahan explained. “Has anybody ever informed you of the DOD’s work with UFO’s?”

    “Unidentified Flying Iranian-Objects?”

    “It has nothing to do with Iran.”

    “Uhhh-ranian Flying Objects?”

    “IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IRAN.”

    “Look, it’s close enough for government work.  Let’s begin before I need another cigarette.”  A fat, awkward looking man said behind the SecDef.  He appeared to be sloppily dressed in a cheap suit and smelled of sweat, used prophylaxes, American Spirit Menthols, and possibly yellow curry.  “I don’t have a ton of time but if this shitweasel has the President’s ear then my job is done once I pass him the ball.”

    “This is Special Secret Agent Snuffy.”  Shannahann began.  “He has been tracking these anomalies since 1968.”

    “Does he work for Iran?”  Pompeo asked.

    “I don’t work for Iran.”  The fat man replied.

    “I don’t believe you.  What Iranian agency do you work for?”

    “I worked with the Shah, briefly in the 70’s, but that is irrelevant.”

    “I KNEW IT!”

    “Listen you shitweasel, SPACE SMITH has been sighted by Naval Aviators during the previous administration.  SPACE SMITH is out to rape you and the rest of the planet.”

    “Does SPACE SMITH work for Iran?”

    “No.  It’s an ancient spiritual being that transcends time and space, jumping between planetary systems after it achieves it’s objectives:  raping the planet.”

    “Does Iran possess this technology to transcend time and space?”

    “No, Iran is going to get fucked too.”

    “YES LETS FUCK IRAN”

    “Focus, you asshole.  SPACE SMITH =/= Iran.”

    “Exactly…focus…Iran…asshole…SPACE SMITH…rape Iran.  What else do I need to brief to the President?”

    “Navy and Air Force pilots have come in contact with SPACE SMITH.  Some of them have gone public, and some of the media outlets are reporting it, and not just the crackpot outlets.  They identified it moves at hypersonic speeds, and in a manner that exceeds human abilities.  We don’t think we can talk it down, but a plan does exist in the event it must scratch its quantum itch.”

    “Can Iran move at hypersonic speeds?”

    “No.”

    “Can we use this against Iran?”

    “Not really, not without getting raped ourselves.”

    “But Iran is behind SPACE SMITH.”

    “Technically its the other way around.”

    “Okay I think I have this now.  Air Force and Navy pilots have identified a new Iranian super-weapon, this ‘SPACE SMITH.’  This is why sanctions are not enough in dealing with the radical Islamic Iranian regime….”

    “Can I slap him?”

    “Mathis struck him last year.” Shannahan responded. “Pompeo accused him of being an Iranian plant.  Took a dozen men to remove Mathis dragging his balls across his face after he knocked him out.”

    “The Iranian’s sent Mathis to take me out and Tea Bag me!”

    “Jesus.”  The yellow curry scented man said.

    “What is the connection between Jesus, and Iran?”  Pompeo asked.

    “We tried.  Hopefully he tells the President.”

     

    “With the aid of their new super-weapon SPACE SMITH RAPED JESUS!  Iran converted JESUS against AMERICA, and will turn this weapon against the American people, unless we act now…..”

     

    THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFFIED;

    THAT MEANS IF THIS IS LEAKED, BAD THINGS HAPPEN;

    STOP LEAKING, ITS DANGEROUS IF THE PUBLIC FINDS OUT WHAT GOES ON IN THE WAR ROOM

    STOP LEAKING, DAMN YOU!!

    THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED