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  • Sunday Morning Slightly Amusing Links

    Actual conversation with Mom, whom we have to nag to take a shower and get dressed every day.

    Me: You have to take a shower and get dressed now.

    Mom: OK, but I want another cup of coffee first.

    Me: You’re already had two, you’re just stalling. GET IN THE SHOWER.

    Mom: But I’m tired and need another cup of coffee.

    Me: GET IN THE SHOWER AND GET DRESSED OR NO COFFEE.

    Mom: (glares) You know who else made Jews get in the shower…?

    Birthdays today start with our spiritual and philosophical father; a guy who founded the single most useless area of “science”; a guy who almost single-handedly destroyed biology in Russia; a truly great American filmmaker; maybe the most versatile physicist ever; one of the worst guitarists in the history of American rock; and conversely, one of the greatest bassists and songwriters in the history of American rock.

    News to follow:

     

    If you say so, Nancy. You’ve already given up.

     

    Baltimore imitates London.

     

    I’m sure this isn’t yet another hoax.

     

    The question not asked: why not just GET RID OF THE WHOLE FUCKING THING???

     

    OUTRAGEOUS. Oh wait, too local.

     

    Global warming. FdA, Brooks, mikey, and Riven hardest hit.

     

    Too soon?

     

    Hand. Feed. Bite. Stupid.

     

    I’ve had this amazing piece of lyric poetry earworming me all week. Maybe I can return the favor to you.

  • The Night Shift for September 28, 2019

    After my last post, I’m a little gun-shy:  Most of you ingrates fine, upstanding glibs seemed to be feeling it (I said most), and things just started to peter out early.  The action was a little light that night, admittedly, regardless of my smoothest moves.  Oh, well—it’s that time:

    Aww, yeah

    Gotta rely on my patented moves, here.

    OK—Gotta thank everyone who talked about lucid dreaming.  Haven’t had a chance to share the insights with the friend in question, but will do so ASAP.

    I recently asked about TPTB being IRL friends.  Without getting into more initials, I am interested in meeting “you people” in meat-space (What?? I’m trying to broaden my horizons or, some such crap).  Of course, I don’t really travel for business purposes, and, just getting up and going isn’t quite as easy as that, so, this is all theoretical at this stage.  Since it seems I’m in a bit of Glibertarian desert here in North Texas, which of you lot ever make it up this way, and are up for meeting?  What about where you live (not an official attempt to doxx you, unless you like this sort of thing)—do you entertain guests of a certain political/philosophical persuasion?  Raise your hand in the comments, if you’re feeling adventurous.

    To Catch a Predator!  What a crap-fest.  While I think I know what the overall attitude here is about this…situation, I am interested in reading your (yes, you) thoughts about it.   From what I can tell, it was the sting in Murphy, TX, which heralded the downfall.  Murphy is very close to where I work, and, former co-workers of mine, from my first agency, worked there just prior to it.  To the best of my knowledge, they had no take on the issue that I ever learned.

    Sum moar LE talk:  Most glibs who have commented on property crime investigation tend to snark that police have better things to do.  From my experience, this is actually very correct.  And, I think the reason why is the realization that stolen property, especially when resulting from a burglary, is usually hit-or-miss in whether it will be recovered.   When it comes to stolen property, the national LE databases have it broken down thusly:

    • Vehicles/boats (conveyances of just about every kind)
    • License Plates
    • Securities—financial instruments of various types
    • Guns
    • Articles

    “Articles” is the catch-all for any property that doesn’t have a specific database for it.  There are some rules that govern what can and can’t go in.  Fun fact:  Pets and livestock can be entered as stolen in the Articles file.  So, as you can imagine, this database is filled with all kinds of things.  Federal rules say that items entered into it are kept for the remainder of the year of entry +1 year.  For instance; if your stolen PlayStation gets entered into the database on January first of 2019, it will auto-purge on December 31, 2020.  That’s all the time allowed.  In my experience, agencies do not re-enter property into this database (I believe it is prohibited).  I can say that, at least in Texas, pawn shops have to provide info lists of all items they take in weekly, to their local police department.  That agency is supposed to check the list against stolen item reports.  This can be very helpful in recovering property.  However, it’s more than likely that, if you rely solely on the agency that took the report, you’re not likely to get the item(s) back.  This is going to be at least one reason why Joe Flatfoot is less than enthused about dealing with a home burglary that is really just a list of stolen property.  Of course, feel free to speculate on the other reasons for that apathy.

    Considering the feedback on ol’ Teddy; the only president from whom I consider shilling.  What??  I gotta give y’all some red meat/green veg every so often.

    You go, Beto!  OK, so maybe the source of the award isn’t all that.  Then again, snark is our life blood around here.

    No snark necessary.  I’m not sure how to do so, but, this guy deserves a lot of support and praise.  Just cleaning up messes can go a long way towards making life so much better.

    So, was it good for you?  Oh…  Well, gimme a week and I’ll be good to go again.  Be excellent to each other, ya rotten bastards.  (Not you.  Or, you…)

  • Saturday night links of, wait, it’s Saturday again? Already?

    Mmmm. Bambi.

    You gotta love Idaho. The patio project is coming along nicely, but work just stopped dead until next Wednesday. It’s opening weekend, and everybody is going hunting.

     

    I bring you Saturday night links, impeachment derp free.

     

    That’s one way to increase work productivity.

     

    I hope they at least got to finish.

     

    Oh please, please, pretty please, let it be so.

     

    Get this man a cheeseburger, STAT!

     

    A new Florida Man.

     

    Don’t mess with an elk whose sole purpose this time of year is to get laid.

     

    In honor of the season, a few words from Uncle Ted.

     

  • The Montage Episode

    This one might wind up being a little bit like a sitcom episode where they just cut and paste parts of past episodes and the characters reflect on it:  “Hey remember that one time we did that thing with the fat guy?

     

    …That was funny.”

    This is my review of Long Beach Brewing Company Channel Keller Vienna Lager (H/T:  Iobot)

    How is this just a montage episode?  September marks one of my favorite times of year as a beer drinker:  Oktoberfest!  Seriously I’ve done a couple of these, one here where I link to a previous article (H/T:  DEG) of a Glib’s previous travels to the festival in Munich, as well as this one where I attempted to recreate the magic.

    How did I do?

    One thing I thought was interesting was when I went to purchase a local version, something curious was written on the label:  “Vienna Lager.”  I thought these were different…turns out I was neither right or wrong.  This style is sometimes considered to be the first lager in existence depending on which brewer got to it first.  One being Gabriel Sadlmeyer from Spaaten and the other being Anton Dreher from the Klein-Schwechat brewery.  The malt both used is copied from a method developed in England using coke to roast the malt, leaving it with a deep, roasted flavor without it being burned.  It predates the Pilsner by a year.  Oktoberfest is the result of seasonal brewing laws in Germany is sometimes referred to as “Marzen” meaning March, because it was the last time brewers were allowed to brew for fear of spoiled beer.  The style cannot be called Oktoberfest unless it was brewed in Munich and served at Oktoberfest.

    Speaking of things I can’t afford.

    It is protected like the town of Glashutte requires a certain percentage of watches to be manufactured in Glashutte in order for the word “Glashutte” to legally appear on the dial.  Then again, somewhere in China somebody is scribbling Glasgütte on a piece of tin…  “Festbier” is sometimes used in the United States to get around this legality for those that care.

    With the exception of the use if Munich or Vienna malts, Oktoberfest, Marzen, Vienna Lager, and Festbier are more or less identical.

    Brewing Vienna Lager fell out of favor to a large degree in Europe, but surprisingly has a large following in Mexico.  As previously reported, Napoleon II went to war with Mexico in the 1860’s when their President Benito Juarez fell behind on interest payments on foreign aid from Spain, England and France.  While he came to an agreement with Spain and England, France decided to send an army to collect.   Following the war that gave us Cinco de Mayo, Napoleon II placed a puppet ruler to keep the trains running, so to speak from the Austrian court.  He brought a few brewers among other craftsman along with him, many of whom chose to remain in Mexico after the Mexicans shot him and left his bloody shirt on display in Mexico City.

    Consequently, Vienna Lager is popular in Mexico.  Examples are Bohemia, Indio, and Negra Modelo.  It should be noted these brands eventually adapted away from the original style and began using flaked corn as an adjunct which is why there are some craft brewers in the southwest that will follow suit in their attempt to recreate.  Such as this one, that for some reason appealed to me.   Overall the Mexican version I find to be more refreshing, and is often described as having a “delicate” flavor profile.

    So how does this one stack up? Very well in my opinion, and this is a style I typically like.  I give them extra points for the full pint can, which is the optimal serving of beer.  After all 500mL is too little, while a full liter is simply too much.  Long Beach Brewing Company Channel Keller Vienna Lager 3.9/5

     

  • Paris to Hong Kong : Chapter Three – Rails!

    After about a week in Saint Petersburg we boarded our train for Moscow – Sonia seeing us off at the platform. She mentioned that she would contact friends of hers in Moscow who would help us there. When we arrived in the station in Moscow a few hours later Sonia’s friends were not only waiting at the station – they were waiting on the platform and got on the train to be sure they found us immediately. Zasha was there with her daughter, Galina, who spoke excellent English (but confessed that she was studying French, which she preferred). We asked them if they could help us find a hotel – and they immediately told us we were staying with them.

    We had two days before our train to Beijing departed. During that time Galina graciously acted as our tour guide, showing us around her hometown and explaining much of ordinary life in Russia.

    On the morning of our planned departure Zasha called the main train station to find out that our train would be delayed by 24 hours. We were told this was not uncommon in Russia. The following morning, after confirming that the train was scheduled to depart, we went to the government bread factory to complete our provisions for the trip. We bought three loaves of warm, freshly baked bread. This was obviously a fixture from the Soviet era – a large factory with a tiny shop in front. There was only one type of bread; round domes about the size of half of a soccer ball, brown and delicious. This was the only product the factory made. We paid the equivalent of 7 cents a loaf.

    We got to the train station, found our train, and located our berth. We had two beds in a small berth which had four beds in it. When we got there our new room-mates – two Chinese men with a couple of their accomplices – had already started filling the room with bundles of their cargo. They closed and locked the door for about 20 minutes after which most of their bags and bundles were nowhere to be seen. They had obviously removed the panels of the walls then stashed everything in the wall spaces.

    Late in the morning our train finally began our journey across the continent. The ride would last 6 days with only a couple short stops (about 20 minutes) every day. At every stop the Chinese, not just our room-mates but all other Chinese on the train (about a dozen of them), would hold various goods, mostly clothing, outside the windows where local people would come and bid for one thing or another. Old Babushkas buying baby clothes obviously either for grandchildren or for people they knew who might need such items. Younger women buying men’s socks for husbands or brothers. Scarves, underwear, sweaters… There was always a brisk business going on at the windows. It seemed pretty clear that the Russian economy was not providing enough clothing to the hinterlands.

    When you are on a train ride for several days there is very little to do. You end up meeting every person on the train who you share a language with. The only exception was the Chinese who seemed to be purely focused on their track-side business and smuggling. I met two Japanese college students who had traveled west along the silk road and were now heading back east towards home. At one of the stops, on a lark, one of the Japanese sold a plain, grey t-shirt he had bought in Pakistan for 50 cents and tripled his money.

    The English speaking group coalesced into nine people – a couple Aussies, three Kiwis, a Brit, a Hungarian who was studying in the UK, Frank and myself. We generally spent our evening talking, swapping food items for a little variety, and drinking the cheap vodka which was plentiful.

    A couple people had a guidebook for the train line. Each stop was detailed but there was little to distinguish one from another except for the stop near Lake Baikal. Lake Baikal contains one fifth of the world’s fresh water. The book recounted a legend about this lake. According to the legend, if you put your hands in the lake you will live one more year longer. If you put your head in the lake you will live five years longer. If you put your entire body in to lake you will live twenty-five years longer.

    So a group of us decided to form the Lake Baikal Swimming Club. The train was scheduled to stop for 20 minutes at a village on the lake. It was supposed to be a five minute walk from the station to the lake. So we figured that if we were prepared before the train stopped we would have time to run to the lake, jump in, and get back to the train on time. On the morning we were scheduled to stop near the lake we all got into swimming shorts, flip-flops or sandals, and waited for the train to stop. Once the train stopped we all ran off into the village towards the lake. People seeing us knew exactly what was going on and pointed the way through the village. We all jumped in – stopping only to drop a couple cameras on the shore – and got submerged. Triumphant, we got a couple pictures and then quickly ran back to the train.

    As the sun was about to set that afternoon, we approached the Mongolian border leaving Russia. Stopped at the border crossing, a couple Russian soldiers worked their way through the train, checking passports. As Frank and I had been scheduled to depart Moscow a day earlier our Russian transit visas had expired the previous day. The soldiers motioned for us to follow them.

    Leaving our bags on the train we followed the soldiers off the train and towards a large, military compound as the sun was setting. Imagine the way a Soviet era Army fort on the Mongolian border would be depicted in a Spielberg movie and you probably have a good idea what we were walking into. Add to this the fact that trains only pass through that area a few times a week. I had wild images of being told, through a few curt words, that we were being detained while watching the train depart with our bags.

    We were guided through a wide corridor in a concrete building to a large, wood desk where an officer was seated. We handed over our passports which he looked through for a minute or so, perfunctorily stamped our exit permits, and sent us back to the train.

    So the train trudged on through Mongolia – which, much like something once read, did look very much like driving through New Mexico. I had always wanted to see Mongolia as it once ruled most of the known world. But our schedule would not allow us to leave the train for more than a few minutes at each infrequent stop.

    Eventually we reached the border with China where the rail gauge changes. At this point they had to change out the “bogies” – the wheel/axel/suspension assemblies which each car rides on – because the rails in China are narrower than the rails in Mongolia and Russia the “bogies” have to be changed on every car. This process takes a few hours and as Murphy would have it my bowels chose that point in time to require evacuation.

    I found it necessary to broach this subject with one of the train attendants since using the facilities on the train would have dumped my efforts right on the tracks below. After a quick discussion between the train attendant and one of the local crew they told me I could use the facilities in the Chinese government office.

    I made my way down the indicated corridor in the dark (did I mention that by this time it was near midnight?) of a deserted building and I entered the door marked “male” in Chinese. The light switch on the wall did nothing so I fished a book of matches out of my bag. Fuck, only four matches left. When I struck the first match the scene I beheld was something Dante could not have described properly. On either side of the wide, elongated room in front of me was a row of bays, each one housing a squat toilet with overflow running in gutters from each bay to a central trough where it all supposedly would empty into an undersized central drain hole. Maybe the participants were supposed to have a bucket of water to effect this process but I saw no evidence that this idea had ever been considered by many. Second match – I looked into a few bays trying to find one which would leave less excrement on my shoes than I needed to disgorge myself. Third match – making a snap decision on the closest bay since there seemed to be no optimal choice and my bowels weren’t going to wait much longer. Last match – can I get my trousers off in here (without soiling them on my surroundings) and over my shoulder fast enough while perching my feet on top of my shoes? Darkness.

    Mission accomplished, I made my way back to the train happy that I had brought a roll of toilet paper since that innovation did not seem to have yet made it to the residents of my current location – the local custom apparently being to use your finger and smear it on the wall. The term “third world shithole” took on a whole new and vivid meaning for me after that.

    On the final leg over the following couple days we could see parts of the Great Wall in the distance, sometime only a few hundred yards away. We were all looking forward to showers and a warm meal for a change.

    When we arrived in Beijing, the nine English speaking passengers had decided to find a hotel with a suite big enough for us all to share. At that time there were plenty of hotels catering to backpackers with cheap and simple accommodations. The room was large enough with enough furniture for everybody to have a space, some on beds, some on sofas or upholstered chairs. Split nine ways it only cost each of us about $1.75 per night.

    I had studied Mandarin in undergrad and also had backpacked through China 5 years previously so it turned out I was the only one of our group who could communicate in Chinese. Every evening our group would go out for dinner together at any one of the many cheap restaurants – usually seating us at a table on the sidewalk in front. I would handle ordering the food and drinks which would cost between $1.20 and $1.80 per head – including a bottle or two of beer for each of us. One evening we splurged, arranging for our favorite restaurant to prepare Peking Duck (requiring an advance order), which cost a bit more than $2 each.

    I needed to change some traveler’s checks into Chinese cash so we went to a bank to arrange this service. This transaction was a convoluted process involving 5 different people at different desks around the bank office and took more than an hour to complete. At the bank I met another American who was there for the same service. During our conversation he related that he had been running a successful real estate business in Texas. One morning he was heading into the office and it hit him that he had no real reason to continue working his life away. He skipped the office, went to his lawyer’s office instead and started the process of selling his business and putting the proceeds – about $20 million – into a trust. That had been a few years before. He had been backpacking around Asia, living simple and cheap, paying everything with a credit card which the trust paid off every month. He said that when he and his Filipina traveling companion got tired of roughing it they would check in to a 5-star hotel for a week or two of comfortable living.

    Frank and I had planned to take the train from Beijing to Hong Kong but when we went to buy tickets we found that there were none available for the next 3 days. So we got the tickets which were available and resigned ourselves to staying in Beijing for a few more days. We mentioned this to our group back at the hotel and one Aussie couple asked me to help them buy tickets on the same train to Hong Kong. Speaking Chinese was a requirement for buying a ticket – otherwise you had to go through a tour agency which would significantly add to the cost.

    During the days our group broke up into smaller groups, each having different interests and sights to see. I skipped the major tourist attractions – the Great Wall and the Forbidden City – to rent a bicycle for the day for the equivalent of a dollar and just go where the crowds were and wander through the marketplaces. I had much more interest in just seeing how the average citizen, er, comrade lived. Cars were still an unusual luxury in Beijing and there were thousands of bicycles everywhere.

    Chinese trains at the time had four seating classes; hard seats, soft seats, hard sleepers, and soft sleepers. We had opted for hard sleepers since the journey was only a couple days – too long to be sitting the whole way but not long enough to justify the cost for the soft sleepers.

    On the morning of our train I flagged down a mini-van taxi in front of our hotel. The first order of business was to negotiate the service and the rate. Metered taxis did not yet exist – and if they did no driver would have one, preferring the chance to negotiate a better rate. I explained that we had a lot of luggage and had to go to the main train station and I said how much we would pay. We haggled a little on the price and came to an agreement.

    The four of us piled in with all our luggage – barely leaving enough room to breathe – and rode to the station. Well, we had expected to get to the station but about 500 yards from the station the driver pulled over and told us we had arrived. He obviously wanted to drop us there now so he could get into the back of the long line of taxis slowly snaking up to the station. I told him we agreed to pay him to take us to the station, not for part of the way, and we wouldn’t pay him if he didn’t fulfill his end of the deal. He refused to drive any further so I warned him that we wouldn’t pay if we had to walk the rest of the way. He dug in his heels so I explained to my friends what was going on and told them to get out and go in different directions to the station – which we did. The driver was pissed but couldn’t figure which of us he should chase and we all got away clean.

    We met up at the main entrance and then found our way to the train platform. We boarded the train and found our assigned bunks. The bunks were very basic with only enough room to lie down – sitting up was not an option. There was a curtain you could pull across the open space to afford a little privacy for changing clothes.

    Our Australian friends had found a small, porcelain water fixture in the car and filled their canteens and drank from it. While the water may have been potable, the next morning they saw an aged Chinese man standing at the water fixture, using a dirty rag to wipe off his crotch and rinsing it in the small basin. They ended up discarding their canteens and buying bottled water at one of the stops.

    We arrived in Shenzen and transferred to another train to take us to Hong Kong. Hong Kong was still a British colony but there were many more mainlanders there compared to my experience five years previous.

    Most people who had any means had already left or had set up residences and passports elsewhere but would come back to run their businesses in Hong Kong. We met a few Hongkong Chinese who didn’t have enough of a fortune to get out but were well-to-do enough to be worried about how they could hold on to their living standard after the handover.

    Hong Kong was still a first world city with goods and venues in all price ranges. Luckily for us there were accommodations available in our price range so we didn’t have to blow too much of our remaining cash there.

    In 1949 Mao had purposely spared Hong Kong not just because he didn’t want to create friction with the UK – expecting he would get it in the long run anyway – but mostly because he wanted an international port he could use to smuggle hard currency, gold, and high value goods through when necessary.

    From Hong Kong my friend Frank took a boat to Taiwan while I caught a flight for Bangkok. But that’s another story.

  • Q’s Brain Toilet: 6th Floor – Definitely NSFW

    Feeling down?  Experiencing loss of interest in things you used to enjoy?  Trouble sleeping?  Well I have just the thing!  Q-azine, the breakthrough new medication will whisk away all your troubles and put you into a state of half-conscious stupor from which there is no escape.  In convenient gummy form, even children can benefit from Q-azine’s quasi-comatose state.  So just take this, chew it up and relax…

    IN THE FUTURE!!!

    – Humans will surpass their own intellectual limits due to enormous penises.  Stem cell and reconstructive technology will get advanced enough to be applied to male genital surgery and supply the world’s men with giant, quivering, foot-long intromissive assassins.  In order to accommodate these shiny new love tools, women’s vaginas will have to experience a similar increase in size, either through surgical intervention or sexually selective evolution.  Since baby’s heads are disproportionately large to provide capacity for our oversized brains, and the female birth canal is the primary limiting factor on said noggin, it only makes sense that babies will eventually begin evolving larger brains and superior intelligence due to womens’ capacious vaginas.
    – Due to VR, virtual presence technology, telecommuting and increasing network speed and availability, people will become even more isolated and atomized than ever with many/most barely leaving the house.  Physical contact with other people will be largely limited to fleeting and anonymous sexual encounters between partners determined by algorithm.  A few lunatic religious throwbacks will continue to cultivate friendships and families; but the men will still have humungous dongs.
    – Neuroscientists will have determined the proper intensity and frequency of strobing light to hack the human brain and cause euphoria.  Therefore, the DEA will classify photons as an illicit substance.
    – Increases in crop yields, wealth, free time and entertainment across the developing world will elevate the standard of living to heights never before seen.  The climate will remain stable and worldwide crime and terrorism will drastically drop.  Trade will largely replace military brinksmanship as the way in which former adversaries relate.  Mass migration will mostly be a thing of the past as various nations get closer to economic parity.  Naturally, all these developments will convince millions that the world is coming to an end and the system must be drastically reformed to prevent chaos and the destruction of humanity.
    – Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be recovering from her latest bout of cancer and eager to begin her 217th year on the bench.
    Are you happy Hyperbole?!
    In Defense of the Unabomber (for straff)
    Earlier this month, straffinrun challenged me to offer a defense of the Unabomber after I made a glib comment in response to his assertion that no man is an island.  I could find the exchange, but I’m lazy.  In spite of my initial glibitude, I began thinking and I actually think there is a fair amount about the Unabomber that’s admirable.  This, of course, does *not* include the killing; I’ll go on record right now and unequivocally condemn the bombings (as if it needs to be said).  In fact, the bombings were just about the stupidest possible thing he could have done, both from a moral standpoint (obviously), but also for his message.  You see, I actually think there is actually a lot of validity to his thought process and he completely undermined any legitimate interest philosophers, sociologists and technology critics might have in it; and there would be a lot of interest, believe me.
    I’ll address two points: first, that he was an unambiguous whack-job, and second, that no man is an island and only lunatics would live the way he did.  Ted Kaczynski was definitely ill and socially maladjusted.  But I certainly don’t think he was unambiguously crazy.  His manifesto outlines how human have become slaves to their own technological creations.  Even as we incorporate more and more technology into our lives, we become more and more enslaved to it; seeing the way people interact with their smart phones, I’d almost call this point axiomatic.  Of course his solution was to attack and murder those he considered responsible for the technological breakthroughs he hated so much; so that’s kind of where he lost the script.  But many of his larger points, I think, stand.
    The second point I’m addressing is the cliché that “no man is an island”.  It’s true that humans are nominally social creatures in a pathetic sort of way.  Our social organization is one small step above chimpanzees.  Rather than something to be celebrated, I see social organization and interpersonal dependence as something to try to transcend and evolve past.  Buddhist monks spend their whole lives separating themselves from the corporeal to try and embrace the ethereal.  The harsh truth from which many people try to shield themselves we is that are born alone and we die alone.  In between we make connections that, even if they appear strong on the surface, are in actuality quite tenuous.  It doesn’t take much to fracture the “strong” bonds of family.  And fuggeddabout friends and acquaintances; these relations are artificial, weak and, usually, lies.  People *are* islands their whole lives, they just delude themselves into thinking they’re not.
    The Nick Gillespie of alt text.
    You Thought *You* Were Kinky…
    Just in case you ever feel ashamed of any odd sexual desires and/or fetishes you might have, remember the Marquis de Sade.  Here are a few excerpts from the end of 120 Days of Sodom in which he just bullet points sexual fetishes as if it were a grocery list.
    – “He binds the girl belly down upon a dining table and eats a piping hot omelette served upon her buttocks.  He uses an exceedingly sharp fork.”
    – “A sodomite cooks up a little girl in a double boiler.”
    – “He covers a girl with honey then binds her to a column and releases upon her a swarm of large flies.”
    – “He has the girl run naked about a garden at night, the season is winter, the weather freezing; here and there are stretched cords upon which she trips and falls.  Each time she falls, he discharges his semen.”
    – “He holds the girl by the ears and walks her around the room, discharging his semen as he parades with her.  The audience burns their genitals while discharging.  At conclusion all involved bugger one another for two hours minimum.”
    – “He uses his exceedingly large tool to rape her vaginally and anally and infect her with syphilis.  Her vagina and anus are then sewn up with heavy, red waxed thread.”
    – “He pulls out her teeth and scratches her gums with needles.  Sometimes he heats the needles.  Then he discharges his semen down her throat.”
    Canuckistan.
    FIN
    Another horrific edition of the Brain Toilet is now flushed.  I’d say you probably shouldn’t follow the Marquis’ advice for fun on a Saturday night, but who am I to judge?  And besides, the ass omelette thing might be fun.
    You are alone; permanently and irrevocably.
  • SEA SMITH FRIDAY NIGHT LINKS…AND ADVICE!

    SEA SMITH ORDER SOME!

     

    SEA SMITH GLAD HE GET LINKS TONIGHT. HE TIRED FROM ALL TROPICAL STORMS. MAKE MESS, SEA SMITH HAVE CLEAN UP. BY CLEAN UP, MEAN FIND STRANDED SHIPS, RAPE SHIPS. SEA SMITH SAY STAY SAFE ON BIG WATER!

    SEA SMITH GIVE LINKS, THEN ADVICE. THIS MAKE SEA SMITH HAPPY. THEN HE GO READ AND STUDY. WANT LEARN WHERE MORE SHIPS GO.

    HERE LINKS:

    1. SEA SMITH REMEMBER ALL HERE LAUGH AT SILLY SHIP FALL OVER. NOW IT LEAK! REMEMBER, NOT SEA SMITH FAULT!
    2. SEA SMITH WONDER IF SPACE SMITH REAL? AND BIG.
    3. LAND HOOMAN FOOTBALL GAME MAKE SEA SMITH LAUGH!

     

    NOT GOOD ADVICE

    HERE BETTER ADVICE:

    Q. I have a dear friend with whom I enjoy socializing at luncheons and dinners, and we sometimes travel together. She is blessed with a handsome income, and enjoys shopping.

    I spent 20-plus years as a single mother, with a decent income but rarely money to burn. My child is now on his own with a good career. I continue to be frugal, but never “cheap.”

    My friend insists I join her in shopping at high-end stores where I feel extremely uncomfortable. She has the means and desire to buy $5,000 purses (she has several) and $700 shoes, but even though I’ve enjoyed a healthy six-figure income the last several years, I still see no sense in spending that kind of money on a functional item.

    So while she shops to impress, I sit with my $29.99 sale purse and $80 shoes, feeling like the proverbial fish out of water. I feel very embarrassed. If I opt out of any store, she is visibly upset.

    How do I politely tell her I am not interested in what the new “It” spring bag looks like? (I frankly think they’re ugly, and really don’t get why anyone would spend $3,500 on a bag made of coated fabric and not leather.)

    This issue has escalated. Whereas she used to enjoy a bargain as I did, now she only wants to steer us into the stores of the rich and famous. And yes, I do think she’s showing off, but her actions are only making me sour on the friendship.

    A. SEA SMITH DISAPPOINT. WHY YOU NOT HIT OVER HEAD AND TAKE ALL MUNNIES? WAIT, BETTER IDEA! TELL “FRIEND” WANT GO BEACH – VERY FANCY BEACH. SEA SMITH WAIT, GREET FRIEND. BY GREET, MEAN RAPE AND TAKE ALL MUNNIES. THEN HER HAVE SHOP CHEAP STORES. AND SEA SMITH HAVE MUNNIES TO BUY NEW IPHONE!

    SEA SMITH NOT REALLY APPLE TYPE CRYPTID. BUT HE LIKE CAMERA. AND WATERPROOF, HE HEAR!

    Q. I received an invitation to a party that I’m pretty sure I wasn’t expected to attend. We are not close, and I live several states away.

    I did send my regrets, and a congratulatory email. The only reason I hesitate to send a card is because people seem to expect a gift card/cash/check to accompany a card.

    This may sound like a bizarre question, but do people appreciate a card without a monetary gift? I feel like some people would say no. What are your thoughts?

    A. WHYCOME SEA SMITH MUST GIVE SAME ADVICE? MAYBE DO DIFFERENT THIS TIME… YES, HE GET IDEA. TELL PARTY PERSON, YOU COME IN SEA MONSTER COSTUME. SEA SMITH GO PARTY AND ENJOY. BY ENJOY, MEAN RAPE HOST AND GUESTS, AND TAKE ALL MUNNIES.

    ADVICE IS FUN!

    COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

  • Friday Afternoon Links – Monkey County, MD edition

    Back when I was a wee-lad in college, answering the call for a fun-filled life in journalism, I did an internship at a local newspaper.  “Sweet!” wee-JW said to himself.  It turned out that the paper didn’t have too much oversight from the owner, and the 20-something dude they hired as the editor-in-chief wanted it to be a tabloid-style scandal rag, to separate it from the crush of the other local newspapers (I’m not sure if there actually were any.)

    Baby Doc Duvalier had recently been deposed as the head criminal in charge of Haiti, so I was assigned to find Haitians who had been tortured by his goon squads.  How hard can that be, you ask.  The rub was that they had to live in Montgomery County, MD, since it was a paper that focused on the county and only on the county.  So, after a not-insignificant amount of hard-bitten legwork and old fashioned gumption, I found my guy.  (Part of this gumption was asking my former French professor (3 whole weeks in the class!) to call the residence of a former Haitian ambassador in Miami for me.   I didn’t speak more than 4 words of French and the woman answering the phone didn’t speak any English and kept hanging up on me.  He graciously made the call for me, but came back with bupkis from the ambassador.)

    Was my guy grimly tortured by Baby Doc’s meat handlers?  No.  Someone in his family?  No.  His dog?  No.  He was a low-level flunky in a failed coup attempt on Papa Doc.  In 1971.  But he lived in Monkey County and was assigned a .45 revolver during the not-coup.

    RUN THAT BABY!!!!  I got the front page and 75 bucks for the story.  And so endeth my illustrious career in journalism (which in hindsight, was a good fucking call).

    In the spirit of my misspent yout’, I’ve revived the format of news of my stupid, stupid county for the links (it ain’t Florida, but we do what we can).  Enjoy!

     

    Slimy old pol to hopeful home buyers:  Drop dead.

    Group of slimy old pols to business owners:  drop even deader.

    Local man beats the rush to the next sure-fire strategy to beat the underwear gnomes at their own game.  State gubmint only too happy to help.

    I got this!

    Gilligan!

    Smooooooth operator.

    Who doesn’t like a little country dick heading into the weekend?

  • What Are We Reading – September 2019

    SugarFree

    Still working on re-reading The Expanse series. (Too much Borderlands 3, brah.) I hadn’t read the last two books, so I’m into new stuff, finally. Not sure how the TV show is going to handle the [censored]. But the end of the 6th books, Babylon’s Ashes, wouldn’t be the worst place to stop the show so they might not have to worry about it. I should be done with the series in time for my all-horror October tradition.

     

    OMWC

    I will confess that most of my book reading this past month has been in the bathroom. And nothing particularly interesting. Lots of magazines, though. Geeky, geeky magazines.

    So this will be prospective: I’m about to take a plane trip, and my reading on the way will be something beyond geeky. Bob Cordell’s Designing Audio Power Amplifiers was sent to me as a courtesy copy, and I’m anxious to dig in. This is the shit you do when you don’t actually have a life, but it will sustain me through 8-10 hours of airplane and gate area entertainment..

     

    jesse.in.mb

    Atkins New Diet Revolution. The boyfriend wanted to “go keto” and I suggested we maybe read a book about it instead of basing our diet on the whims of Redditors. The BF continued to read random things from Redditors and is getting a bit crazy. I need a beer to handle this and cannot have one. Weep for me Glibertarians.

    Finally finished The Boys which I started months ago and just picked up when I had 20 minutes and a tablet in hand. It was good. The humor felt ’90s transgressive (even though it’s from the mid-aughts): sort of ham-fistedly offensive for the sake of offense, and there was a massive lull of filler stories in the middle but I was glad I finished it up and would still recommend it even with what I perceive as shortcomings.

     

    mexican sharpshooter

    I promised everyone I would read something this month; I finally came through on a promise!  First time this week…

    I read Universal Basic Income:  For and Against by Anthony Sammeroff.  This name might strike a few of you as familiar as this is the person Andrew Yang was scheduled earlier this month to debate regarding UBI, but apparently found better things to do.

    He does go through the arguments for UBI, and many of the theoretical benefits it may provide such a society, and does so in as objective manner one could expect from an opponent of the idea. He doesn’t spend a lot of time arguing against it in this book, rather he questions why modern necessities became so expensive.  Half the book cleverly spells out the reason UBI is not needed, by pointing out all the things proponents of UBI insist is needed because of it’s great expensive is a result of the deleterious effects of government policy on the market.  He discusses housing markets for example, as one area one might spend their monthly stipend, then discusses all the ways government regulations limit housing development, dry up supply, and therefore drive up housing prices.  The market he argues, creates competition necessary to drive the cost of luxuries down to where they are not really luxuries anymore, which raises the standard of living for those at the bottom of the income ladder.

    He even discusses automation and cites case studies performed by the US Air Force that found the drone programs actually increased the number of Airman and contractors needed to make the drones fly—in spite of the fact the drone does not have a pilot and aircrew on board.

    Ultimately the message is remove that one thing that keeps the market from functioning in its natural form, and we don’t really need an arbitrarily defines standard of living issued to everybody.

    JW

    I’m back to cereal boxes, but I’ve expanded my reach to high bran cereal. That gives me time to take the box into the toilet with me for reading.

     

     

  • Friday Morning Links

    “Was all that money worth it? You bet it was!”

    The Astros lost and are just a game up on the Dodgers. And I just went down a 10 minute rabbit-hole to find out who would get home-field for the World Series if they ended with identical records.  And I couldn’t find it. So send help, one of you people with better research skills than me. Milwaukee nipping at the heels of both the Cardinals and the Nats in addition to the best record chasers will make the weekend at least interesting. Also, if you can’t stand the heat give some of that money back.

    Big weekend in CFB. Oh yeah, and the Iggles beat the Packers last night and engaged in some serious headhunting while doing so.  Jeez, that was a brutal game full of questionable plays.

    Paltrow and unnamed associate/friend

    Cosimo de Medici was born on this day. so were brewer and patriot Samuel Adams, first black senator Hiram Revels, rocker Meat Loaf, writer Irvine Welsh, entitled clown Gwyneth Paltrow, and Canadian person Avril Lavigne.

    That list sucks. Don’t blame me. Let’s see if I can get us past it with…the links!

    I’m glad to see people fighting back against idiotic cancel culture. But this non-apology/apology won’t result in the media calling off the dogs.  It’ll just result in every reporter scouring their social media and deleting everything they said when they were young and stupids they can continue to claim the moral high ground when they try and destroy someone’s lives for page clicks.

    NOT A GOOD IDEA!

    Dude, the X-Force tryouts were years ago. Reminds me of the Faces Of Death scene where the dude parachuted into an alligator farm. Also, who here grew up when I did and was convinced that shit was completely real?  Or should I say who else thought it was?

    People are rushing to condemn the New York Times after they published reports partially identifying the “whistleblower”.  Why aren’t they rushing to ask why in the hell does the CIA have an agent in the White House to begin withOr maybe doing a little follow-up work on this.

    “This is why civilians shouldn’t own guns”
    -Beto

    And I know some of you guys aren’t fans of twitter. But trust me, you gotta read this to believe it. To sum him up: “The government killed unarmed protesters on this spot. And I vow to make sure the government will be the only people with guns if I’m elected. In the name of safety!” Seriously, fuck that guy.

    Talk about your “man bites dog” story. No, really.

    Prepare for more injured people on the streets of San Francisco. Also, how nice of the city to give “permits” for people to use a fairly simple mode of transportation. I expect the pilot program to result in a massive shakedown of the industry for tax purposes or for cab drivers to run them over while not being used to get rid of the competition.

    Oops! Who would think a cop was the right person to launder their drug money?

    This song rocks from the first note on. No fucking around with an intro, just…BAM!  Enjoy it.

    Now go have a great day and an even better weekend, friends.