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  • Chapter 3 – The General Did What?

    “Hey D, you got a minute?”  I looked up from behind my computer.  I must have betrayed a look of impatience, because Justin looked back at me and said “What?”

    “I’m sorry, man. Sure, what’s on your mind?” I pushed back from my desk and Justin dropped all of his six-foot, two-hundred five pounds into a chair. Justin Constantine and I had gone to Naval Justice School together back in Newport, Rhode Island. All of the sea-services, the Navy, Marine Corps, and the Coast Guard, send their lawyers to NJS for ten weeks of training in military Administrative law, Criminal law, and Civil law, with a heavy emphasis throughout on practical application and trial advocacy. I hadn’t known Justin that well as he was a single, brand new First Lieutenant, and I was a relatively senior Captain, married with four kids, a year or two away from being on the selection/promotion board for Major. Despite that, when we found out that we both had orders for Okinawa (as did another classmate of ours) out of Justice School, I made an effort to take them both under my wing. As it turned out, Justin and I both got orders for the Defense shop and after long days as brand new criminal defense attorneys together, we also found out we shared a common love of rugby – and drinking beer – which appear together often enough to seem like co-dependent gene alleles.

    “Well, you know I got detailed to those three anthrax refusals from up North, right?” I nodded in reply. Up north referred to Camp Hansen, about an hour north from where we were at Camp Foster. While Camp Foster contained a lot of headquarters and support units, Hansen tended to have combat units like infantry battalions, an artillery regiment, and other front-line trigger-pullers. My assigned office was technically up there in the smaller Legal Services Support Team building, but I kept getting assigned cases in the south because of the fact that the Third Marine Air Wing was there and my boss always seemed to think me being a former pilot would somehow help the Marines who got into trouble in the Wing. It didn’t seem that way to me.

    I knew all about the anthrax cases up north; in fact, I had privately lobbied our boss, Major John Woodworth to give them to Justin because to that point the Boss was only giving him Administrative separation boards, no courts.

    “J.R., I know Justin is new, but he’s solid, and I have the other anthrax cases. These are a great way for him to get his feet wet and we can work on them side-by-side.” I was sitting in the one other chair in his small office in the Defense wing of the Legal Services building. I presumed to use his first name in private because we had known each other on a first name basis when we had both been Captains; I had been interning as a prosecutor at Camp Lejeune at the time, a couple of years earlier.

    The vagaries of our different career tracks made him senior to me, although we had been commissioned around the same year. In order to recruit lawyers, the Marine Corps, and all of the armed services, have to offer incentives because there the pay of a typical Marine officer is in now way comparable to what even a new attorney could get on the open market. One of the ways the military made up that deficit is through a fiction known as “constructive service.” A law student who signs up to be a judge advocate actually gets a reversion back to the date they signed up once they’ve completed training; which means that upon completion of Basic School and Justice School, a guy or gal with only months in service gets promoted to First Lieutenant and then is in zone for Captain, something that usually takes four to five years for the typically accessed officer. This occasionally creates friction within the Marine Corps’ rigid hierarchy because a Marine lawyer walking around with Captain’s bars may have 9 to 18 months of actual, real-life experience and time in the Corps, compared to a ‘regular’ line officer Captain who has been through two promotion boards, several deployments, and could have as much as eight or nine or ten years of service. After a few years it all irons itself out, but it’s a difficult row to hoe for the new attorneys, too. They’re frequently treated as ‘less than’ officers by those who know the system. JR had come in the same way, but he now had something like 8 years of actual time in, same as me, but his JA “reversion back” made him now a Major.

    “Well,” J.R. had begun in his usual southern twang, “he’s gotta mind his clients, and you gotta mind yours, but these should all wind up as Summary Court, Board waivers anyway. Help him out and let me know how it goes.”

    “Wilco, sir. Thank you.” I stood up to attention in front of his desk briefly, spun smartly on my heel and toe as if we were doing an about face on the parade deck, and marched out of his office in an exaggerated high step, to his snickering.

    Now with Justin in front of my desk, I squinted to think of the case names.

    “Stone-something, right? Not Stonehenge, but…?” I tried to remember from our last defense meeting.

    “Stonewall,” Justin supplied, either missing or ignoring the joke. I knew something was on his mind.  “I just got a call from one of my clients and checked out his story with some other sources. You’ll never believe what happened.”

    “Your guy confessed to the Kennedy shooting?” I didn’t even smile. He looked frustrated in return. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. What happened?”

    “All three of my guys got called into a meeting with the Commanding General for Third MarDiv.” I raised my eyebrows and sat forward. It wasn’t very often that our clients got called into the Division Commander’s office for a chat. “So, of course, the Sergeant Major’s in there, the Division SJA—”

    “Colonel Favors was in there?” I asked. I was curious why the Staff Judge Advocate, a senior lawyer, for the entire Third Marine Division, would need to be in there to talk to three anthrax refusers. Justin nodded and went on. “—the regimental or battalion surgeon, and maybe one other CO, either Battalion or Company CO.” He finished and let that sink in.

    “Okay, you got me, I give up, why the fuck was the CG, Third MarDiv talking to one of your anthrax refusers?”

    “Get this, they all were sitting out in the hall or waiting area and they get called in and have a talking to from the CG about why this vaccine is completely safe, and why won’t they take this? and all this dis-information out there on the internet is just hype and conspiracy theorists and, now for the money ball, if they’ll just take this shot, all will be forgiven. No court-martial; no NJP; nothing. The whole unfortunate incident will be put behind them.” Justin had a deep, gravelly voice and everything he said tended to come out flat and monotone. A long time of hanging around him had taught me the subtle nuances of that monotone. I saw where he was heading.

    “And no one ever called you, their lawyer?” He shook his head slowly from side-to-side. I whistled slowly and rocked back in my chair. “They’ve got charges preferred already, right?”

    Justin nodded.

    “Yep.”

    There were several troubling things about that scenario from a defense counsel’s perspective. First, Commanders of units are the persons who actually create the courts in the military. They have incredible discretion to either prefer (bring) charges against a member of their unit or not, based on how they see the particular offense, after an appropriate investigation has been done. Convening Authorities also grant search warrants, select the jury pool, can grant clemency after a court-martial and lessen the sentence a judge or jury awards, although they cannot increase the punishment. As a result, charges and dispositions can vary widely from unit to unit, depending upon how serious the particular commander views the offense. Prosecutors (known as ‘trial counsel in the military) and staff judge advocates provide advice to commanders and tend to buffer some of the differences out, but there can still be wide divergence on particular charges.

    That all said, Commanders generally stay out of the process once charges have preferred in order to avoid the appearance of impropriety and subject themselves to an unlawful command influence motion or make themselves into witnesses at a motions session. There are also, for all lawyers, some fairly strict rules of professional conduct for dealing with persons who are already represented. The general practice is generally do not talk to a criminal defendant who is already represented without consulting his attorney first. It just invites trouble.

    I was a bit shocked to hear that the SJA for the Division was present while the General talked to a criminal defendant about the charges he was currently pending, without even notifying his attorney. Furthermore, the charges in the anthrax refusal cases were not even convened by a General court-martial – that is, a court created by a General officer – but instead they were brought at a Special court-martial, a lower forum convened by the Battalion commander, where the accused could receive no more than 6 months confinement, forfeiture of 2/3 pay per month for 6 months, reduction to the lowest enlisted paygrade, and a bad conduct discharge. A General Court-Martial could award any punishment authorized for the particular offense, up to and including death. Refusing a direct order or a general order would have carried ‘a nickel’ for our guys – 5 years – but the statutory cap for all special courts-martial limited their exposure.

    “And get this,” Justin went on, “I heard from my sources that the CG was basically asking them ‘why don’t they trust him’ and shit like that. One of my guys is a Sergeant and finally caved in, crying or very upset, after this long heart-to-heart, and finally agreed to take the shot, so the surgeon took him right then, on-the-spot, to medical.” Now Justin’s voice had a real edge to it. “Do you believe that?!”

    “Curiouser and curiouser,” I answered. Justin looked at me and then caught on.

    “Alice in Wonderland?” he mouthed. I nodded.

    My mind was trying to process what it meant, but more importantly, I was trying to find an angle that would help Justin’s clients. Or mine. I was stumped. I genuinely enjoyed these sessions we had in defense, frequently bouncing ideas off of one another to help focus our thinking, as long as we didn’t have conflicting cases. Justin’s thought process, I found, frequently mirrored my own.

    “Let’s ask Hites,” I said finally. Although I had over eight years on active duty, I was as new as Justin as a lawyer, and I couldn’t think of a rule or regulation that had technically been violated, so it was time to ask someone with more experience.

    Major John Hitesman graduated from the Norwich Military Academy a year before I graduated from Boston University. Like me, Hitesman had a “life” before becoming a lawyer. He had been a “grunt,” an infantry officer, stationed in Hawaii before getting picked up for the Funded Law Program, as I had. Okinawa was his first tour as a lawyer, but he had been a defense attorney there for two years. He had a phlegmatic personality, utterly unflappable in every experience I had with him. He was also one smart cookie and he and I had become friends of a sort, especially after we talked and I found out he played ice hockey at Norwich; he also had discovered a local pickup league in Naha and got me on the team. Given that we were peers, more or less, even though he had pinned on Major already and was now a field grade officer, we would alternate driving to play ice hockey together every Thursday night. I enjoyed the conversation on the rides with him almost as much as playing ice hockey. At six-foot-two, two-hundred and fifteen or so pounds, Hites also looked like a linebacker, but was an agile skater and good stick-handler. At five-six (on a tall day), I was shorter than most of the Okinawans we played against and I always appreciated playing on a line with some ‘beef.’

    When I brought John back into the office, he looked at Justin.

    “What’s going on?  Barney told me your clients got pistol whipped this weekend.” John was one of the few people who addressed me by my call sign from when I was a pilot. When I had first moved into the office next to his, I put up my framed print of an AH-1W attack helicopter my squadronmates had signed for me as a going away present. On the plate it had my name, call-sign, and a quote: “Shakespeare was Right.” Either the prosecutors or the clerks later put a picture on my office door at Camp Hansen of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, with “Hitesman” and an arrow pointing to Fred and “Saran” with an arrow pointing to Barney. I thought it was funny and left it up.

    “Sir, I don’t know if Captain Saran told you, but something weird happened this weekend with my clients and I’m not sure what to do about it.” Justin related the story quickly and Hites listened with his hands laced in front of his face, holding the styrofoam cup that he occasionally used to spit some tobacco juice into from the wad occupying the left side of his mouth.

    “Well, I’ll play devil’s advocate, here. Why can’t a CO call in one of his Marines and talk to him? What’s wrong with that?” Justin seemed a little put off by the question. I was, too.

    “I’m not sure,” he began, then held up his hands, “…that’s why I asked.”

    “I can think of a few,” I piped up. “He’s already represented, there are charges pending, the CG is the convening authority’s direct superior, and it all-around stinks.” Hites gave me a quick glance.

    “I might agree, but what kind of relief are you going to get? I mean, how do you frame this in a motion and what do you think one of our judges is going to say? What would you ask for?” Hitesman’s pragmatism stung me into silence. He was right. There was a long pause. He spit again, then went on.

    “I suppose you could write a letter to the SJA’s state bar because I think there may be an ethical problem that she should know about with her being in there and allowing the CA to question your clients. But then again, the JAG Instruction is only for attorneys, not Commanders, and same for the rules of professional conduct. Why couldn’t a Commander have his attorney in there as a witness? Did she ask any questions of your clients?” Hites now directed a question at Justin.

    “No, sir, I don’t think so. I think she was just in there.” Justin looked at the rug. I was still mulling over John’s point. Something about it didn’t smell right, particularly given the fact that Sergeant Terveen, one of Justin’s clients, had changed his mind about the shot under what seemed like pretty coercive conditions. The Sergeant had less than a year before he was getting out and likely decided that the hassle, and risk of losing his veteran’s benefits, probably wasn’t worth it. The other two, a Lance Corporal and a Private First Class, had stuck to their guns. That was probably more impressive than anything else about the story.

    “The only other issue is whether or not they were warned of their rights.” Hites looked at Justin who shrugged his shoulders. “If they weren’t warned, none of their statements are coming in at court, but the prosecution probably won’t use them anyway and doesn’t really need them. I’m sure they can prove your guys were given the order and didn’t take the shot, and they don’t need any subsequent statements your guys might have made in this meeting. Arguably, they knowingly violated his rights if they didn’t read him his rights and that’s an offense under the UCMJ, but that’s a stretch.” Hites waited a minute and then took a step toward the door.

    “It’s just so fucked up, though,” I said. “I mean, how coercive an environment is that? The CG himself is there telling you that everyone else is full of shit, along with the Sergeant Major, the CO, the Doc. And then the guy caves and he’s immediately given the shot while he’s still in frigging tears! That just can’t be right.” I wasn’t sure where I was going, but it all felt wrong to me.

    “It sucks, gents, but welcome to criminal defense in the USMC on the island of Okinawa.” Hitesman slapped me on the shoulder as he went by. “See ya’ Thursday, Barn. You driving this time?” I nodded a couple of times in response and murmured “mmhmm.”

    Justin looked at me after John was gone. He let out a long breath.

    “God, I just love the Marine Corps!” he said in a drill instructor voice. I hated that I didn’t have any answers.

    “Well, how’s Petty Officer Ponder’s case going?” Justin finally asked. “Did his CO ask him to come in and have a chat?” I chuckled slightly at that. But an idea had come to me.

    “Hey, you know what? I’ve got a bunch of anthrax info from Sonnie Bates’s attorney that I’m supposed to look through. Why don’t you have one of your guys submit an Individual Military Counsel request for me? Then, we can put our heads together on one case and then use what we do on that one for our other two separate cases?” Justin nodded.

    “Sure. Would likely save us time individually and let us pool our efforts. Is any of the information helpful?”

    “Yeah, I mean, it looks… thorough, but I’m not going to get my hopes up yet. I have to research what an ‘investigational drug’ is and really dig in on the statute, but it worked for Sonnie Bates, so… I don’t know, maybe it’ll work for our guys.”

    “Sure it will,” Justin deadpanned. This time I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or earnest.

     

    beginning | previous | next

  • Tuesday Afternoon Links

    Happy Tuesday, I’m tired. Long night last night. Here is one set of half-ass links for your enjoyment.

    Florida Man gets busted dealing Vitamin E in the shape of Trump’s head (and orange!)

    That moose stole my taco!

    I knew Britain was becoming a shithole, surrounded by communist Europeans, but I didn’t realize we’d need to organize an airlift.

    America’s Space Force becomes real August 29!

  • Glibertarian Confessions

    Today we are going to confess a small shortcoming that has plagued us all for an undetermined amount of time.  Why you ask?

     

    I ask why not?  I will even begin.

     

    There was a time I thought the Newman’s Best brand was something silly.  A reasonably good product for a reasonable price.  By “reasonably good” I mean it’s better than the partially gelatinized goo that Kraft puts out.  The guy threw his face on everything, and sent all the proceeds to charity.  Then I turned 14 and discovered that charitable donations are tax deductible.

    Newman’s Best is nothing more than a scheme for Paul Newman to avoid paying taxes, and when presented by that angle it is something to respect.  Its bothered me since then that it took me 14 years to figure this out.  That is my confession.

     

    Now you go.

  • Tuesday Morning Links

    Let see if I remember how to do this…its been far too long.

    We’re #5! Which is fine by me since these rankings are USELESS!

    Chris Sale is out for the year, and with him go the 2019 Red Sox chances.  The Astros dangled the AL West at the Athletics last week but hopefully snatched it back away a little yesterday. Let’s just hope Carlos Correa isn’t injured after leaving early. The Yankees and Dodgers are effectively waiting on the playoffs. And the NL Central is gonna be fun down the stretch.  Oh, yeah…and football is around the corner with the preseason AP Poll being released yesterday.  (If there’s anything less useful in the sports world, I’m not sure what it is.  Except for maybe the Phoenix Coyotes.)

    If you were born on this date, you share it with the following: Antarctica discoverer Fabian Gottlieb von Bellingshausen, Ohioan Benjamin Harrison, writer H.P. Lovecraft, poet Salvatore Quasimodo, boxing promoter Don King, genius politician Ron Paul, sociopath Slobodan Milosevic, Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant, (once-)fat guy Al Roker, “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott, and “Dumbass” Demi Lovato.  Happy Birthday!

    If only…

    OK, let’s see what’s happening as I bring you…the links!

    LOL, oh England. What the hell happened to you? Let this be a warning to all those dumbasses who say people don’t get locked up for petty things.

    I assume by “mistakes”, she means stealing their heritage for personal gain at the expense of someone else. But don’t worry, Indians. She’s gonna cleanse herself by giving you a bunch of free shit taken from people that never wronged you.

    How?

    If you’re gonna shill bid, at least be discrete.  You’re killing the otherwise sterling reputation of us auctioneers, :-0.

    Chicago Teachers Union steps in shit. And they could have done it by traveling to San Francisco for less than half the price of visiting Venezuela.

    And in the latest installment of “Wow, the timing here sure is convenient”, Jeffrey Epstein signed his new will two days before he died.  I wonder where his interesting art will end up?

    Well that’s it.  Except for this, obviously.  Have a great day, friends!

  • Poll: Salad

    I love salad. In fact, this is something we eat at least four nights per week.

    OMWC makes the absolute best salad dressing. Ever. Period. End of discussion.

    However.

    I LOVE OMWC’s green salads, truly, I do. Yet, I also love salads with every vegetable in the fridge and some fruits thrown in. Maybe some nuts and cheese, too. (#notvegan, sorry WebDom). And I love pasta salads, rice salads, tabboulehs, cucumber salads, and pretty much any other salad. (As long as it doesn’t incorporate soapweed.)

    What do you like? Plain greens? Greens with heirloom or other tomatoes on the side? Bread? What kind of dressing? Loads of vegetables? Non traditional salads?

    Please share. Recipes, too, if you have ’em.

    I’ll be over here enjoying this salad while you talk among yourselves.

     

     

    See also, Tulip’s excellent salad post.

  • Monday Afternoon Links

    As always, my work has shifted from “hurry up and wait” to “why wasn’t this all finished yesterday?!!” So I’ll just drop these here.

    Illegal immigrant no match for Florida Boy. Good on ya, kid, but maybe have a heart-to-heart with your mamma about her taste in men.

    I think this is a measured and reasonable response.

    A feel good story about a pitbull. Dog bites shark is news, right?

    NYPD officer who choked Eric Garner to death fired. Its not justice, but its more than I expected.

     

    Here’s a little college radio throwback for you.

     

  • Allamakee County Chonicles V – The Goat Tree

    Note:  A preview from my upcoming autobiography, Life’s Too Short to Smoke Cheap Cigars (Or to Drink Cheap Whiskey.)

    The Goat Tree

    Goats have a sort of, well, aura.

    Some folks refer to it as a stench.  Personally, I don’t think that word quite covers it.  Goats are worse than skunks by almost any measure.

    The really unique thing about goats is that, unlike skunks, have a predilection to spread their aura across the countryside, on the wings of the breeze.  They do this by climbing – barns, trees, fence posts, rocks, almost anything higher than their natural stance.  The purpose of this is to spread the cloying smell of goat as far as possible across the countryside.

    In the Beginning…

    When I was a small and innocent boy, the route my parents took to get to town passed by a small farm that was home to several goats, including one old Billy known locally as “Old Stinky.”  That any goat, of all goats, was sufficiently rank to gain such an appellation as “Old Stinky” speaks volumes; in fact, there was muttering around the neighborhood about the owner of said farm, old man Andresen, conducting chemical warfare to drive down property values.  The fact that old man Andresen bought up a couple neighboring farms at bargain-basement prices seemed to bear that view out; at least that gave him room to run a few more goats, over which Old Stinky presided as uncontested patriarch.  Old Stinky took an inordinate amount of pride in his ability to drive away all manner of animals, insects, trespassers, and to turn green plants brown for twenty yards downwind.  He sure seemed to enjoy himself; nobody was certain how old man Andresen was able to take it.  Perhaps having the only fly and mosquito-free farm in northern Iowa was some compensation; flying insects of all sorts steered well clear of the Andresen place.  Not even horseflies braved Old Stinky’s presence.

    The road to town, as it passed the Andresen place, first dropped into the Canoe Creek valley and then made a sharp turn right at the driveway to the farm house.  At the end of the driveway, right next to the road, was the Goat Tree.  It was in this giant old oak tree that Old Stinky preferred to climb to announce his odiferous presence to the land.  To get past the Andresen place to town, you had to drive down into the valley, slow down to make the sharp turn, cross the bridge and then race up the steep hill on the other side of Canoe Creek to get away from Old Stinky’s presence.  The speed required to negotiate this obstacle was determined by how long the individual driver could hold his/her breath.

    The actual Canoe Creek, taken from that actual bridge. Really.

    Odoriferous things.

    Anyone who was blessed in having a rural upbringing gets pretty used to some nasty smells.  Some of my friends had parents who kept hogs, for example, and the domestic swine can make eyes water for several hundred yards downwind, even in the cleanest and best-kept of farms.  There are also skunks, the stuff of legend as far and nasty smells; skunks of course combine one of Nature’s foulest odors with the capacity to project that odor in a form that sticks with you for weeks.

    On one memorable occasion, my father found an injured turkey vulture.  The bird had a broken wing, and we determined that the right thing to do would be to catch it in Dad’s jacket, wrap it up and transport it some 40 miles to Elkader, where the Iowa Department of Natural Resources ran a rehab facility.

    The capture went fairly smoothly, and we were relieved when the bird didn’t smell too badly.  We placed him, wrapped tightly in Dad’s jacket to prevent injury (to him and us) placed him in the back of Dad’s station wagon, and set off southward.

    It seems incredible that a bird, accustomed to riding wind currents so gracefully hundreds of feet above the ground as turkey vultures do, would be subject to carsickness.

    We hadn’t covered one mile of the journey when our rescued vulture began to vomit.  And, dear reader, I ask you to contemplate the items that constitute fine dining to a vulture; throw in a few hours of digestion, and you still couldn’t possibly imagine the havoc this resulted in.  Prodigious quantities of partially processed vulture foodstuff were quickly deposited in the back of the car, until it seemed that surely there was more of it than bird.

    Tempting as it was to abandon car, bird and all, we stuck it out; Dad driving with his head out the window, eyes squinted against the wind, Mom hanging out the passenger side window, gulping in fresh air; and myself, gagging in the back seat, threatening to join the bird at any moment.

    Turkey Vulture. They stink, too.

    It seemed things couldn’t possibly get any worse, but then we turned the bend and began the descent into the Canoe Creek valley.

    As we approached the Goat Tree, Dad let out a yelp and pulled his head in.  Mom did likewise; even in a car filled with vulture vomit, the presence of Old Stinky pervaded the auto, seeping in even as we frantically rolled up the windows. Old Stinky was in place; sensing a challenge, he had climbed out on a stout limb overhanging the road where he stood proudly, head thrown back in a victorious bleat.

    On a hunch, I risked a look over the back of my seat.  The vulture was trying to get his head stuck under a wing, and his normally red head was showing a distinct green tinge.  Somehow I don’t think the ride was responsible.  Old Stinky had written another chapter in his legend; no other animal could make even a vulture gag.

    His Greatest Coup

    Old Stinky lived for many a year, and it was not until I had reached the age of 17 that the final episode in his legend took place.  Old Stinky went out in style, though; his demise involved a pretty brunette from town, a halter-top, a convertible, and a steep ditch.

    The story began a few weeks before my 17th birthday, when I took to keeping company with a cute little dark-haired girl from town.  Rhonda had a trim figure, long legs, dark hair, dark eyes, and parts that protruded and curved in all the right places, in all the right ways.

    Rhonda’s father, Mr. Walters, (“but you best call me ‘Sir,’ boy”) was less than enchanted with the liaison; Rhonda came from a town family with money, and her Dad wasn’t too pleased with his baby girl taking up with a long-haired, slightly bedraggled woods bum who earned extra money by trapping muskrats, ate with his Buck knife and dressed up for company by putting on a clean black t-shirt and knocking the dirt off his steel-toed engineer boots.  I never did figure out why Mr. Walters could never seem to remember my name, and made up for his memory lapse by referring to me as “Worthless.”

    Still, Rhonda and I went out for several weeks, and enjoyed each other’s company a great deal.  Things had progressed to the point of exchanging smooches in the front seat of my ancient Ford when Rhonda’s Dad presented her with the gift of a nicely restored 1966 Mustang convertible.  This was too good to be believed; on the great day that Rhonda took delivery of the Mustang, she called me to announce the great news, and offer me a spin around the countryside.

    Early October in Northeast Iowa brings some of the most beautiful Indian summer days you’ll see anywhere.  The day that saw Rhonda pull into my folk’s driveway in her new Mustang, the sun was shining, the thermometer was in the eighties, the Mustang’s top was down, and Rhonda was enchantingly dressed in cut-off shorts and a white halter top.  I was decked out in my finest; jeans that still had knees, a black t-shirt with no holes, and I even stopped to knock the mud off my engineer boots before vaulting over the door into the passenger seat.  And away we went!

    The day was indeed wondrous; occasional stops for a bit of cuddling made it more wondrous still.

    Not Rhonda, but much the same.

    I guess it was the halter-top that was to blame.  For those of you who don’t remember, halter-tops in the late Seventies generally consisted of a small triangle of cloth with four strings; the cloth was just large enough to cover the strategic portions of a girl’s chest, and two ties at the nape of the neck and two at the mid-back secured the whole thing in place.  It was probably due to Rhonda’s halter-top commanding my entire attention (to be honest, it was the bow-knotted string ties I found particularly intriguing) that I didn’t notice her taking the turn down into the Canoe Creek valley.

    The nose of the Mustang dipped as the road took the first turn down towards the Andresen place, and I noticed the aura…  ever so faintly, the aura, of…

    Old Stinky.

    Rhonda seemed oblivious as we rounded the last bend, chatting happily away, one arm on the top of the door, one on the steering wheel, her left knee raised in a manner to take the breath away from a young man.

    But it wasn’t the sight of Rhonda’s thigh that was taking my breath away.  It was the sight of Old Stinky, out on his favored limb on the Goat Tree, casting his evil gaze at the oncoming Mustang.

    Old Stinky was wise in the ways of cars.  Old Stinky knew that, in a convertible with the top down, there was no escape.  Old Stinky was ready.  Out on the end of his favored limb, right over the road, Old Stinky threw back his head and bleated his triumph once more to the world.  His miasma descended to cover the road to our immediate front.

    “Say,” Rhonda asked, “Do you smell something?”

    “HIT THE GAS!”  I shouted.  Rhonda turned to me, a concerned look on her face, and then we both looked upwards.  As we passed under the Goat Tree, we heard the sound; the awful sound, the horrifying sound.  The sound of Old Stinky’s limb breaking.

    It seems Old Stinky had been putting on some weight as he got on in years.  The limb that safely supported him in his prime was dangerously fragile now.  I was told some time later by a saddened old man Andresen that Old Stinky hadn’t been out on his perch in a year or more.  It was only the irresistible sight of an oncoming convertible that drove Stinky, in spite of his advanced age, to one last feat of stenching.

    With a loud crack, the limb gave way, pitching Old Stinky into the Mustang’s back seat.

    Rhonda let out a screech that would have made a wildcat green with envy.  She yanked the Mustang to the left, then to the right.  Old Stinky staggered to his feet on the back seat, and fighting to keep his balance, grabbed in his long, snaggled teeth the only thing that presented itself, that being the top ties to Rhonda’s halter.

    Rhonda screeched louder still.  In what I imagined to be a chivalrous move, I started hammering Old Stinky’s head with my left fist; it was then I learned that an aged Billy goat’s skull is the approximate hardness of marble.  The only result was a badly bruised fist.  I had to some up with another course of action, fast; my vision was starting to get blurry, and Rhonda was starting the dry heaves.  A plan came to mind, and I shouted it at her.

    “STOP THE CAR!”

    Rhonda’s right foot came down hard on the brake pedal, and the Mustang’s wheels locked, sending the car careening into the steep ditch on the opposite side of the road.  The Mustang slammed hard against the side of the ditch; Rhonda’s seat belt held, and she only bounced off the steering wheel enough to give her a slight bruise on her forehead.  As for myself, in a display of teenage machismo I hadn’t fastened my seat belt, and so was slammed against the dashboard with rib-cracking force.

    Old Stinky, though, fared least well of all.  Still gripping the top ties to Rhonda’s halter, he was catapulted upwards, over Rhonda’s head, over the windshield, and a good fifty feet into the cornfield just ahead.  A trail of stench followed Old Stinky overhead, much like the wake of a boat; as he passed, he kept his grip on Rhonda’s halter ties.  The top ties held, but the bottom ties gave way; my last sight of Old Stinky was of his airborne figure, trailing Rhonda’s detached halter top, sailing into the rows of golden cornstalks.

    Not Old Stinky, but much the same.

    I’m saddened to report that Old Stinky didn’t survive his first experience with unassisted flight.  After all his malign intent, after all his evil smell, Old Stinky was a local institution, and it’s always sad to see a legend pass on.

    I’m still more saddened to report that, while we didn’t dare follow Old Stinky into the corn in search of Rhonda’s halter, she did have a blanket in the trunk of the Mustang, in which she wrapped herself up tightly and drove me in silence back to my parent’s house.  The thoughts of what the original intent Rhonda had in placing a blanket in the back of her car frustrated me for years afterwards.

    I didn’t see Rhonda again after that.  I guess the initial attraction was overcome by the association with the trauma of her banged-up Mustang and the odoriferous presence of Old Stinky, which never did come out of the upholstery.  Rhonda instead took up with a boy from town, a boy from a family with money.  I’m told that Mr. Walters (“I always told you he was worthless”) was pleased with the way things turned out.

    And Then…

    It turned out that Old Stinky left a legacy, after all.  A genetic legacy, one that curses the Canoe Creek valley to this day.  It was many years later, on a visit to my parents at my childhood home with my own family, that I learned that Old Stinky’s name is not forgotten.  During the course of a pleasant vacation at my Mom and Dad’s home, with my wife and two little girls, we decided one afternoon to take a drive to town.  As we turned our truck into the Canoe Creek valley, my wife turned to me.

    “Honey,” she asked, “Do you smell something?”

    “It stinks, Daddy!” our little girls chirped from the back seat.

    I looked up, and there, on the Goat Tree, stood a younger version of Old Stinky, on another limb overhanging the road, head thrown back, a victorious bleat ringing forth from a young and healthy set of lungs.

    A strange feeling came over me, and not just because of the smell.  It was a feeling that combined nausea, nostalgia, and an overall warm, fuzzy feeling that some things, some legends, can never die.

    My wife didn’t understand my expression, even as we drove through the clinging cloud of stench Young Stinky let loose to waft down onto the road, even as we all were gagging and our eyes watering…

    I was smiling.

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  • STEVE SMITH PREVIEW WEEK!

    STEVE SMITH KEEP SABBATH.

    STEVE SMITH GIVE PREVIEW! HIM WANT HELP. SP SAY “STEVE, I AM BUSY RIGHT NOW, WHY DON’T YOU GO DO THE WEEKLY PREVIEW AND OPEN POST?” OMWC BUSY TOO. CHEESE PERSON NOT AROUND. SO THIS STEVE SMITH CHANCE! STEVE SMITH AGREE. HIM NO WANT SP DELETE STEVE SMITH ACCOUNT. STEVE SMITH VERY NICE SP! AND WONDER DOG. EVEN IF WONDER DOG BARK AT STEVE SMITH. A LOT OF BARK.

    HERE WEEK:

    MONDAY – FUNNY ANIMAL TELL STORY OF GROW UP AND HOME. SP ASK QUESTION – YOU ANSWER!

    TUESDAY – OZMANDYIAS TELL MORE ANTHRAX. STEVE SMITH NO LIKE ANTHRAX. TASTE FUNNY.

    WEDNESDAY – STEVE SMITH HIDE IN BACK OF CAVE…BUT HIM STILL READ HAT AND HAIR. MAKE STEVE SMITH NOT SLEEP.

    THURSDAY – WANT SEE SNP! WEBDOM HAVE PRODUCT FOR YOU.

    FRIDAY – CRYPTID NIGHT!

    WEEKEND HAVE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN POST, OMWC, NOT ADAHN, MEXICAN STEVE SMITH THWARTER, CHEESE PERSON, SPUDALICIOUS. STEVE SMITH LIKE WEEKEND.

    WEEKEDAY LINK HAVE CHEESE PERSON, BANJOS …MAYBE, DONBRETTFLORIDAMAN, OMWC, OTHERS?

    FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE NEED SEND IN STORIES. STEVE SMITH LIKE READ.

  • IFLA: The “It’s About Time” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of Aug 18

    So Sagittarians: life been kind of shitty for a while now? For the rest of you: rules working against you for the last few months?  Well, things are about to (finally) change as Jupiter returns to direct motion, doing what it’s supposed to be doing bringing happiness and jollity for the first time in a long time.  Saturn won’t get its leaden ass back to the straight and narrow until next month, but we’ll take what we can get.

    The newly reformed Jupiter isn’t participating, but there is a positive alignment of Venus and the sun remaining aligned with us, so good on your home life, gardening and basic domestic bliss.

    Leo continues to hoard all the planets.  Love, war, whatever it may be, strength is going to win out.  I will caution that because of the planetary shift, do not try and cheat in competition this week.  You shouldn’t need to anyway.

    In the Cards this week:  Pretty Glib-standard.  Lots of reversals.

    Leo:  2 of Cups reversed – False love, folly, misunderstanding

    Virgo:  The Hanged Man reversed – Selfishness, crowds, politics

    Libra:  Ace of Coins – Perfect contentment, felicity, ecstasy, gold

    Scorpio:  The Empress reversed – Light, truth, the unraveling of involved matters, public rejoicing

    Sagittarius:  Ace of Wands reversed – Fall decadence, ruin, perdition

    Capricorn:  10 of Coins reversed – Chance, loss, robbery

    Aquarius:  Page of Cups reversed – Seduction, deception, artifice

    Pisces:  Knight of Coins – Utility, service, rectitude, responsibility, interest

    Aries:  8 of Coins reversed – Voided ambition, vanity, exaction, usury

    Taurus:  Ace of Cups – True heart, joy, contentment, abode, fertility, nourishment, felicity, abundance

    Gemini:  7 of Wands reversed – Perplexity, embarrassment, anxiety

    Cancer:  Wheel of Fortune reversed – Increase, overabundance, superfluity