A Chronicle of the Insurgency, Part One:
Are You for Eighty Six?
by Tonio
The editors have prudently insisted that I warn my readers that they may find some material in the following story to be deeply disturbing and offensive. You, dear reader, should be both disturbed and offended that such stories have to exist, that the source material is all too real and not just the febrile rantings of a madman.
Angelica Cortasio-Ortez heard the corridor door open and through the slit in the stall door she saw a fat chick in a pussy hat enter the restroom. Angelica was trying to pee, not because she had to but because it was an excuse to escape the office for a few minutes. She should be sulking in her own private bathroom but she was not allowed to actually use it – couldn’t use it at this point. She had assumed that the locked door in her office which none of her keys fit was a maintenance corridor or something; nobody had told her she even had a bathroom until the cleaning lady had opened it one evening when she was working late. She had called the after-hours maintenance number and when she finally reached a person he told her that he’d enter a “door needs re-key” ticket but that it wasn’t an emergency. The next morning she arrived to find the door unlocked, but blocked by construction tape. She had cut through the red “Caution / Cuidado” tape only to find that all the fixtures had been ripped out overnight.
The fat chick entered the stall next to Angelica and locked the door. She then heard the seat go up and found that strange. But she shouldn’t judge; not all women peed sitting down, after all. Upon learning of the destruction of her private bathroom she had called the Superintendent of House Office Buildings and the smarmy little man she got on the phone told her that the bathroom had been condemned as unsafe after the office had been assigned to her.
“Of course we would not have assigned you an office with an unsafe bathroom, Congresswoman; the final inspection from when the last tenant vacated listed everything in good order. But mold grew in the room when the suite wasn’t occupied. We can’t expose you to unsafe conditions. We’ll get you a new bathroom as soon as possible once the shutdown is over… No, I’m afraid there are no more available executive grade offices available.”
Angelica fumed to relive the moment, her hands involuntarily forming into fists and shaking up and down in unison. She bet her eyes had what the old white men called her “crazy look.”
The fat chick was doing a lot of moving around in her stall, like she was changing clothes or something. All of a sudden the moving stopped and the stall walls shuddered. Angelica could no longer see the fat chick’s feet – she must be doing a toilet squat. Never a good sign.
“Everything okay,” asked Angelica tentatively.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m doing a medical abortion and the vaginal suppository has made me really crampy. Normally it’s a lot easier than this, but I should have known that this one would be difficult. I’ve got an interview in a couple of minutes and want to get this done beforehand.”
And in that few seconds Angelica had learned more about the fat chick than she knew about people she had known her entire life. She felt an instant kinship with the fat chick and wondered whether she was the one interviewing for her personal assistant position. No, that would be too coincidental, like something in bad fiction.
“So, this is going to get really nasty really soon and you should leave if you’re done.”
“You’re sure…”
“Totes.”
“Where are you interviewing,” asked Angelica standing up and doing a show flush.
“Congresswoman Angelica Cortasio-Ortez,” said the fat chick emitting a grunt and a long fart.
“I work in that office, I can tell them I saw you here and that you’ll be a couple of minutes late. I’m sure she’ll understand” said Angelica.
“Thanks,” said the fat chick. “Tell them Moira Flaherty will be just a few minutes late.”
“Good luck Moira.” Angelica fled the bathroom with due haste as a cacaphony of sounds erupted. She made it into the corridor and as the door closed was sure she heard a cry and a splash, followed by the sound of something being beaten with a shoe.
This was what the patriarchy made women endure – aborting in anonymous public toilets, little better than the back-alley abortions the crones had told her about. There should be numerous warm, safe public walk-in abortatoriums staffed by caring women. With onsite childcare, of course. Women should also have mandatory access to abortion doulas in times of need. Her breathing quickened as she imagined herself leading America down a shining path towards full health equity for women.
She decided to take the steps down to her office. The elevators went to the basement, at least one of them anyway, but it was generally quicker to take the steps unless you had a cart or something. Hers was the only congressional office in the basement of the House Rayburn Office Building. They had moved senior staff out of their offices to make room for the freshman class of congresspersons, and the lottery had assigned her the office formerly occupied by the Head of Housekeeping.
Angelica walked past her receptionist who waved her down and handed her a pink square of paper, a phone call memo. Incredibly old-fashioned, but her staff had quickly learned that their computers were unreliable. The receptionist was talking to someone through her headset, answering one of the many misdirected calls.
“This really is Congresswoman Cortasio-Ortez’ office… We get a lot of calls for housekeeping… There is a problem with the House switchboard… Then I suggest you contact the Superintendent of House Office Buildings… You, too.”
She walked into the private part of her office and found Ella, her chief of staff. “Moira Flaherty is going to be a few minutes late. I ran into her in the restroom, she’s aborting. Can you get someone to have a pot of tea ready in my office when she comes in?”
“Poor thing. Of course, Congresswoman.”
Comments
165 responses to “Are You for Eighty Six?”
Now, this is mutherfucking theme music:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0fPfOyqEhY
“I Asked If Nathan Phillips Believes He Owes Anyone An Apology. Here’s The Response I Received.”
https://twitter.com/AsheSchow/status/1088223620583907335
https://www.dailywire.com/news/42574/i-asked-if-nathan-phillips-believes-he-owes-anyone-ashe-schow
[makes devil horn handsign and bobs head to beat]
Still worst chatroom ever.
Yet you are here….
I was expecting something more topical.
Not this?
That was a better song but mine is more topical.
Like an ointment.
Also topical
Dammit
Topical, the island breeze
Nice. Thanks.
OK, then how about this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWemIeDxVcI
*shrugs* I’ve never listened to them but the title seems quite on topic.
*Catches breath* Never? You’ve never listened to Slayer? As the late, lamented WBCN used to advise, turn it up and rip the knobs off.
For some reason it never came up. I was only ever peripherally into that sort of thing… I like (early!) Metallica for example. Also a big Priest fan but again totally wasn’t my scene. TBH I thought they were a hair band at the time.
I’ve seen Slayer more times than I can remember. Reign in Blood and South of Heaven are both excellent albums. Dave Lombardo is one of the best drummers I’ve ever seen.
Never was into Metallica. Although I’ve seen Megadeth, and hung out with Mustaine, who seemed to have a huge ego.
I was never that into Priest, but Rob Halford is a great singer.
Rhywun, since you like early Metallica, Google Big Four and see what comes up. You may be missing out on something you would enjoy.
I was really confused for a moment there.
That’s hysterical. Thank goodness it didn’t result in an HM worthy reference.
Well, in my defense (and her’s), I did say “apparently”.
Plausible deniability, and all that.
But, yeah…..
Sonuvabitch….that was meant as a response to Chafed, down below.
Heheheheheheh…..
Friend, I’ve never listened to Slayer, either. Then again, they really aren’t my flavor of metal, regardless of whether or not they were “serious” about their image.
I was always more on the Hair side of things, but am a huge fan of Megadeth, as I can overlook Mustaine’s ego (there’s no way CP is that far off in his assessment, if at all….which he isn’t).
Speaking of CP’s Megadeth experience: I used to know a young lady, back in the day (very attractive; class act), who used to hang with them when they came to Big D. They apparently had a favorite Sushi/Japanese restaurant they would visit every time passing through, and invited her out. She claimed this didn’t involve any groupie action, and I didn’t know her to lie.
Oddly, she apparently claimed she did have some groupie action….with Nugent.
Class act =/= getting it on with Nugent.
And I’m totally down for having some cherry pie at Uncle Tom’s cabin IYKWIMAITYD.
Topical
I’m disturbed and offended.
Damned potato royalty.
Bow before your liege! or kick him down an oubliette screaming “This is Glibs!!!!”
Nay, hack him up and fry him. Tuber cannibalism ftw.
“followed by the sound of something being beaten with a shoe” is really what elevates this to the sublime.
I’ve always liked the word “cacaphony”.
Choirs of cacaphony?
Gillette the best a man can get
Great analysis.
Gillette does not approve of soulless gingers.
Are You for Eighty Six?
I’m for 69.
I don’t remember if I told this story. When I was little my mom offered me and my brothers sweatshirts with the two digits of our choice sewn on. Maybe that was a thing in the seventies, I don’t know. Naturally, I chose the year of my birth: 69. She refused.
I like 77. You get eight more.
I went with 88.
The Chinese see the a Arabic numeral 8 as a fortuitous symbol. The Nazis had a soft spot for numerology so “88” had a specific meaning to them.
Well, we all know that Rhy spent time in Deutschland.
And yet I have no idea what 8 signifies to us. I mean them.
I have heard a variety of reasons for it but “88 live to hate” is some kind of catchphrase among the children playing Nazi in mommy’s basement.
You know, the ones we are supposed to fear? I once read that it was for H being the 8th letter of the alphabet and a tribute to Hitler, but That would make the catch-number 18, maybe Himmler? Maybe wannabe Nazis are ‘tarded?
Yep. I’m amused at some commercials I’ve seen targeting them and how many 8’s they’ve managed to cram into the business’s phone number.
So Rhywun is literally Hitler?
(reply to Jarflax) The first 8/H is for “Heil”.
Even the main cannon bore they employed was actually 90mm – but they always called it an 88mm.
That makes somewhat demented sense.
Ok, I guess in the world of the basement Reich that makes sense. I have an idea for a great, low budget show! We put on a series of cage matches between basement nazis and internet communists!
“in the red corner weighing in at a svelte 375 lbs. Trigglypuff the Fash Basher! ” “In the swastika corner weighing in at 125 lbs. we have Kurt Kulturkampf (formerly known as Melvin Snigglebottom) The Kommandant” Let’s get ready to flail helplessly!
Hawt.
The editors have prudently insisted that I warn my readers that they may find some material in the following story to be deeply disturbing and offensive.
Isn’t that the point?
*Reads story*
Hm…
*’Birdbox’ death*
Nathan Philips could be an extra on The Walking Dead with no extra make up. Just saying.
Yeah, I noticed that, if not quite so vividly.
Uhhh, is this going to end with something to do about a day and ropes??
I’m going from bourbon to vodka for the evening.
Here is my drunk happy music for tonight: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XiHr7qLxOvU
After reading the story, I think I’m going straight to shots of Everclear.
They had me with the Doctor Doom reference.
Umm, isn’t it Alexandria? Or are we in an alternate timeline?
It’s a doppleganger. Take a look at the last name.
Huh. The doppelgänger is spot on. It’s just as stupid as the original.
It’s more of a ghola.
The SMIRKening
I like that — quick, and to the point.
Beethoven once wisely said, “I’m not sure if I can fap to this, but damnit I’ll try.”
Beautiful, disturbing, and comical. Thanks once again, Tonio.
Do you who else was from Austria?
The Vonn Trapp Family?
Do you even Beethoven, bruh?
Not Beethoven?
Still waiting for a Tonio/SugarFree collaboration. I’m envisioning the bludgeoned fetus being reanimated World War Z style and exacting revenge on all straight, white males for not allowing it to be aborted later in the pregnancy.
Uhhh…
Will it look like that freaky thing from the Witcher 3?
Smokey & the Bandit starting on IFC…
Larded up with commercials, I presume.
I hurl extra apostrophes in your general direction…
How is that even remotely an “independent film”?
IFC hasn’t been an independent film channel for very long time.
The writing on this site continues to amaze me.
Maybe “amaze” is the wrong word.
Nauseate? Disturb? Offend?
Something to fap to while you think about the delicious and juicy fetus meat.
http://archive.li/tsu5I
THICC.
8.
Hater!
HM is going to be (mostly) disappointed.
Mostly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VfoG1GsZYw
On another location, I believe I ran across someone with the ultimate handle for some of our Glibs: GentlemanFellator.
Student says he got LSD from his dog before sexually assaulting school workers, cops say
Damn drug dealing dogs invading the suburbs selling death to our children!
Common sense canine control!
Ban assault imaginary manifestations of a bad trip!
TOKSIK MASKYOOLINITEE
I went to the Dali museum in St. Pete last Sunday. There were a group of 6 people tripping balls on LSD walking around the galleries. They would walk up to a picture, look at it, and start laughing. Then they would start crying (tears of joy, (I presume). Then the Tripper Skipper would gently guide them (with hugs) to the next painting.
Later on at dinner, I told my mom what was happening. She was *aghast*!
How gauche. I remember tripping balls to Dali prints in my apartment. (Seriously, the last place I would want to be was in public.)
Why the fuck is that story attached to a video of Nicholas Cruz?
The original story has much more detail about this American hero:
If only he were wearing a MAGA hat.
STOP TRYING TO DOXX ME.
Having seen tens or thousands of patients with variations of those symptoms in the ER, I’m willing to bet cash money that wasn’t due to LSD.
I have a… friend who is familiar with the behavior of someone on LSD and my friend says it was nothing like described. My friend was skeptical of that too.
No, that’s not an acid trip. Pharmaceuticals yes, but not LSD.
I would be willing to guarantee that’s not LSD. Sitting on a bench smoking cigarettes for eight hours while staring off into space? Probably LSD. Going nutso and attacking people while claiming to be on LSD? Not LSD.
There’s probably a good bit of schizophrenia in the mix too. And maybe some bipolar.
Mossberg makes a pistol.
https://www.recoilweb.com/mossbergs-pocket-blaster-145569.html?fbclid=IwAR3vpU4M2-da_oXHXo5jJGswoIyuPcZ04HRZoOOMiWCVJFxsS70cwPicAwY
I’d buy it
That’s a nice looking little pistol.
Want.
Day-um.
https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/trump-nominates-51-judges-at-once-enough-to-fill-1-3rd-of-all-court-vacancies
What took so long?
All that setup and nary a single cheap joke about toilet paper stuck to a shoe? Sigh. Otherwise and A+, Tonio.
In other news, how much self-congratulatory back patting and shameless credentialism can someone possibly pack into a desperate plea for employment? Let’s find out…
https://twitter.com/ChloeAngyal/status/1088460893443239936
Maybe she can write up an opinion as to why Huffpost and BuzzFeed are laying employees off. Hint: it’s your bullshit agenda.
Cat ladies aren’t a desirable advertising demographic outside of the luxury pet industry?
And the sex toy industry.
Mee-oww!
First comment:
Why on God’s green earth would any respectable periodical hire someone with “10 years of writing about gender politics” who wasted thousands of dollars on the most useless PhD of all time? And thinks that this is an accomplishment?
Good question.
https://twitter.com/Caw_Dull/status/1088525675605250049
Pure gold. Also…
https://twitter.com/IutaroG/status/1088504224210669570
“Learn to code.”
Let the infighting begin:
Conversation
Chloe Angyal
Chloe Angyal
@ChloeAngyal
·
13h
Like so many talented and lovely journalists, I was laid off today.
If you’re in the market for an opinion editor with a huge and diverse rolodex, or a columnist with 10 years of writing about gender politics (and a literal PhD in romantic comedies) under her belt, talk to me.
NotYourFutureAtty
NotYourFutureAtty
@Caw_Dull
Replying to
@ChloeAngyal
and
@EdAsante77
Why on God’s green earth would any respectable periodical hire someone with “10 years of writing about gender politics” who wasted thousands of dollars on the most useless PhD of all time? And thinks that this is an accomplishment?
11:55 AM · Jan 24, 2019 · Twitter for iPhone
35
Retweets
608
Likes
Dr. Nancy Glass
Dr. Nancy Glass
@DrNancyGlass1
·
9h
Replying to
@Caw_Dull
@ChloeAngyal
and
@EdAsante77
Because, birdbrain, the likelihood is that she learned to write really well during her years of education and experience.
NotYourFutureAtty
NotYourFutureAtty
@Caw_Dull
·
8h
So did thousands of other unemployed or marginalized minorities and women who didn’t have the privilege of spending 3+ years in school learning, literally, about “romantic comedies.” But alas, the white former HuffPo writer with a PhD is more deserved!
To be fair, who better to write about the lived experiences of white former HuffPo writers with a PhD in romantic comedies than a white former HuffPo writer with a PhD in romantic comedies?
It sounds like a laugh riot!
Touche.
If you’re in the market for an opinion editor with a huge and diverse rolodex, or a columnist with 10 years of writing about gender politics
No, I am in the market for an actual journalist.
These all run with their elite pals from college and assume everyone is way into these topics. Not even enough to pay the bills, they’re discovering.
Top magazines like Forbes, it turns out, pay their stringers $500 per month (1099) if they deliver at least seven articles. So many will do it just as well for free, it’s tough times to be a journalist.
Beautiful.
“If you’re in the market for an opinion editor with a huge and diverse rolodex, or a columnist with 10 years of writing about gender politics (and a literal PhD in romantic comedies) under her belt, talk to me.”
PhD in romantic comedies…. what the fuck is that?
$120k in student loans spent watching movies and hooking up over 5 years.
Idiotic… So grateful I had the good sense to go to a cheap school, get that piece of paper, and get the hell to work.
So the “romantic” part was all that hooking up and the”comedy” part was believing it would lead to a career
Mike Monroe
@cntryMikeMonroe
·
33m
Replying to
@Caw_Dull
@ChloeAngyal
and
@EdAsante77
‘I honestly cannot tell if her entire profile is a joke. A decade of writing about gender politics and a PhD in romantic comedy should be something that’s made up by conservative trolls.’
I larfed.
How many times do I have to mention that Loki is the one true god?
I’ve always been partial to Folly.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_Praise_of_Folly
You know allied with footwear to inflict violence on the innocent?
You know who else*
*hopes he isn’t having a stroke*
The makers of jack boots?
Every Iraqi?
Nancy Sinatra?
Rudolf Dassler?
Roger Vivier?
O’Brien?
Pony’s?
Puss ‘N Boots?
Michael Jordan?
Crocs investors?
What the hell is wrong with crocs?!? I’ve got a couple of pairs of camo crocs.
Hey, you’ve given me shit for putting Reese’s Peanut Butter flavored coffee creamer in my Morning Joe, I can give you shit for wearing Crocs. We all have our bad taste blind spots.
Hmmm, weighs both… yeah, I can see that.
*hides feet under desk*
You and your slutty, slutty genes.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21152404
Sorry baby. My genes made me do it.
Dopamine. Is there anything it can’t do?
Become a viable defense against paying alimony?
I wouldn’t say this is a sample with a high degree of generalizability.
The science is settled HM.
WHY DO YOU HATE SCIENCE?
What has science done for me lately?
Continuing advances in teledildonics?
Or would you credit engineering instead?
More of an art-form?
I don’t buy it at all.
The abortion is murder crowd has the best arguement when it comes to the great abortion debate.
I’m gonna go watch Lawrence of Arabia, your all nuts…..
/So am I
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17262206-lawrence-in-arabia
I read this book last year. I would recommend it.
‘Are You for Eighty Six?’
I’ve always been a 138 kinda guy.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UX3COyLWDig
I am Number 2. You are Number 6.
Trying to come up with a cartoon about the cancelled State of The Union. We’ll see what audio I can find…also, follow me on Twitter and not instagram, because I don’t have an account there, dipshit.
So is standing at the kitchen sink, eating cold pad thai out of a take out box with your fingers a bad thing? Asking for a friend.
Depends on what beer you’re drinking with it.
Depends on your friend’s state of dress and/or wakefulness.
When you look down, can you see your cock? Yes? Things are ok then.
I mean, can your friend see his cock?
Well, that was horrifying. Thanx Toni.
Roger Stone is just took it up the ass and CNN somehow was able to be at the right spot to tape a predawn raid at his house. Wow.