The editors have prudently insisted that I warn my readers that they may find some material in the following story to be deeply disturbing and offensive. You, dear reader, should be both disturbed and offended that such stories have to exist, that the source material is all too real and not just the febrile rantings of a madman.
Angelica Cortasio-Ortez heard the corridor door open and through the slit in the stall door she saw a fat chick in a pussy hat enter the restroom. Angelica was trying to pee, not because she had to but because it was an excuse to escape the office for a few minutes. She should be sulking in her own private bathroom but she was not allowed to actually use it – couldn’t use it at this point. She had assumed that the locked door in her office which none of her keys fit was a maintenance corridor or something; nobody had told her she even had a bathroom until the cleaning lady had opened it one evening when she was working late. She had called the after-hours maintenance number and when she finally reached a person he told her that he’d enter a “door needs re-key” ticket but that it wasn’t an emergency. The next morning she arrived to find the door unlocked, but blocked by construction tape. She had cut through the red “Caution / Cuidado” tape only to find that all the fixtures had been ripped out overnight.
The fat chick entered the stall next to Angelica and locked the door. She then heard the seat go up and found that strange. But she shouldn’t judge; not all women peed sitting down, after all. Upon learning of the destruction of her private bathroom she had called the Superintendent of House Office Buildings and the smarmy little man she got on the phone told her that the bathroom had been condemned as unsafe after the office had been assigned to her.
“Of course we would not have assigned you an office with an unsafe bathroom, Congresswoman; the final inspection from when the last tenant vacated listed everything in good order. But mold grew in the room when the suite wasn’t occupied. We can’t expose you to unsafe conditions. We’ll get you a new bathroom as soon as possible once the shutdown is over… No, I’m afraid there are no more available executive grade offices available.”
Angelica fumed to relive the moment, her hands involuntarily forming into fists and shaking up and down in unison. She bet her eyes had what the old white men called her “crazy look.”
The fat chick was doing a lot of moving around in her stall, like she was changing clothes or something. All of a sudden the moving stopped and the stall walls shuddered. Angelica could no longer see the fat chick’s feet – she must be doing a toilet squat. Never a good sign.
“Everything okay,” asked Angelica tentatively.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m doing a medical abortion and the vaginal suppository has made me really crampy. Normally it’s a lot easier than this, but I should have known that this one would be difficult. I’ve got an interview in a couple of minutes and want to get this done beforehand.”
And in that few seconds Angelica had learned more about the fat chick than she knew about people she had known her entire life. She felt an instant kinship with the fat chick and wondered whether she was the one interviewing for her personal assistant position. No, that would be too coincidental, like something in bad fiction.
“So, this is going to get really nasty really soon and you should leave if you’re done.”
“You’re sure…”
“Totes.”
“Where are you interviewing,” asked Angelica standing up and doing a show flush.
“Congresswoman Angelica Cortasio-Ortez,” said the fat chick emitting a grunt and a long fart.
“I work in that office, I can tell them I saw you here and that you’ll be a couple of minutes late. I’m sure she’ll understand” said Angelica.
“Thanks,” said the fat chick. “Tell them Moira Flaherty will be just a few minutes late.”
“Good luck Moira.” Angelica fled the bathroom with due haste as a cacaphony of sounds erupted. She made it into the corridor and as the door closed was sure she heard a cry and a splash, followed by the sound of something being beaten with a shoe.
This was what the patriarchy made women endure – aborting in anonymous public toilets, little better than the back-alley abortions the crones had told her about. There should be numerous warm, safe public walk-in abortatoriums staffed by caring women. With onsite childcare, of course. Women should also have mandatory access to abortion doulas in times of need. Her breathing quickened as she imagined herself leading America down a shining path towards full health equity for women.
She decided to take the steps down to her office. The elevators went to the basement, at least one of them anyway, but it was generally quicker to take the steps unless you had a cart or something. Hers was the only congressional office in the basement of the House Rayburn Office Building. They had moved senior staff out of their offices to make room for the freshman class of congresspersons, and the lottery had assigned her the office formerly occupied by the Head of Housekeeping.
Angelica walked past her receptionist who waved her down and handed her a pink square of paper, a phone call memo. Incredibly old-fashioned, but her staff had quickly learned that their computers were unreliable. The receptionist was talking to someone through her headset, answering one of the many misdirected calls.
“This really is Congresswoman Cortasio-Ortez’ office… We get a lot of calls for housekeeping… There is a problem with the House switchboard… Then I suggest you contact the Superintendent of House Office Buildings… You, too.”
She walked into the private part of her office and found Ella, her chief of staff. “Moira Flaherty is going to be a few minutes late. I ran into her in the restroom, she’s aborting. Can you get someone to have a pot of tea ready in my office when she comes in?”
The mercury is at 65 and falling. No telling how many iguanas, alligators, pythons, and manatees will be killed by this unseasonable cold front, but my best guess is zero. I’m sure the local news will breathlessly cover the over on that one. Overnight temperatures could dip below 40 degrees. I’m stocking up on meth and hot chocolate. To make matters worse, I have a dental appointment today where they hygienist will mercilessly berate me for being an occasional flosser. I’ll pretend contrition and go home with a sore mouth.
PETA holds “dog barbecue” with fake dog. I’m the sort of heartless monster who would ask for a slice of the flank and the feign anger that this wasn’t a better way for them to dispose of all the dogs they euthanize than just tossing them in the landfill.
Amanda Knox is back in the news and $20K richer after an Italian court found that Italian police had violated her civil rights. Taking a page from their American brethren, they found “no evidence that she had been physically assaulted”.
If Beto was a Republican, this would sink his candidacy. Instead, this non-story will be spun into a MASH-note of how edgy, sexy, and creative he is. OMG, he was in a punk cover band! Sploosh!
The Unites States has defense treaties with numerous nations with SCS interests: Japan, the Philippines, South Korea, Australia and Thailand. We also have a loose quazi-treaty with Taiwan. The common thread is that the US will help defend these nations if they are attacked. For the SCS the Philippines and to a less extent Japan are the principle concerns. As the maps show the Phils will be hugely impacted by the PRC’s claims. In 2016 the Chinese lost in international arbitration under the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea (UNCLOS). China has since stated that it doesn’t recognize the decision and continues to claim the Nine Dash areas.
If a defense treaty nation is attacked the US has obligated itself to defend them with the US military. That means China possesses the means to determine the timing and size of any first blow.
In one example of the continuing tensions, the Phils and PRC have nearly started shooting at each other over the Second Thomas Shoal in the Spratley Islands. The shoal is within 200 miles of Palawan Island but well inside the Nine-dash Line so both countries consider the area within their respective economic zones. The Phils intentionally grounded a WWII era ship in 1999 and have kept it manned with a detachment of soldiers since then. Resupply and repair operations are routinely contested by the SCP and PAFMM. Neither side has shot (yet) but the two sides play cat and mouse as the PRC tries to starve out the soldiers while waiting for the collapse of the ship.
Other Situational Considerations
Western analysts often examine security environments using DIME (Diplomatic, Informational, Military and Economic) considerations. How does the SCS stack up? Let’s start with the “M”.
Military Aspects. The PLA as an institution remembers fighting the Americans in Korea. During the Korean War the PLA suffered around 1,000,000 casualties (~400,000 KIA) and so realizes the cost of fighting a western power. The PLA has long been the “first among equals” within the PRC’s military hierarchy but the current reforms significantly cut army end strength while expanding the PLAN and PLAAF. The PLAN and PLAAF have no institutional memories of fighting the west and like all the world’s navies and air forces focus on their technological capabilities. The PLARF is counting not just on the technological capabilities of their missiles but on the fact they are largely located on the Chinese mainland. They can strike US forces without hitting the US homeland while knowing a counter strike means a homeland attack with the inherent strategic issues for the US.
Neither country has lost a major warship in the memory of the sailors and civil leaders. The US last lost major surface ships during the WWII. During that war the US lost 466 major combat warships and since the Okinawa Campaign (Spring 1945) has lost zero large warships in combat. The PLAN hasn’t even possessed major combat vessels until recently. Modern weaponry will cause large material and personnel losses that neither country has had to deal with within memory. How this will impact tactical and strategic decision making is unknown.
The surface combat ships and aircraft for a US Carrier Group costs $20B to $30B to build and equip and has around 8000 sailors. This does not count the costs and personnel of the CAG’s submarines or logistics ships. As the US moves to F-35’s the costs of the aircraft alone could run up to $120B per CAG. Unclassified estimates are that it takes $400,000,000 annually to operate the carrier and aircraft during a peacetime training pace. This does not include the operating costs of the other 7-10 warships and multiple support ships that make up a CAG. The costs of the Chinese vessels and aircraft is unknown but is significant as well.
China is not yet a peer competitor but it is rapidly developing the naval and aerial skills to be a peer. Their missile forces are massive and as some point out “quantity has a quality all its own.” RAND concluded that in 2017 “China possessed 1,200 conventionally armed short-range ballistic missiles (600-800 km range), 108 to 274 medium-range ballistic missiles (1000 to 1500+ km), an unknown number of conventional intermediate-range ballistic missiles (5,000 km), and 450-1,250 land attack cruise missiles (1500+ km). RAND also estimated that improvements in the accuracy of China’s ballistic missiles may allow them to strike fixed targets in a matter of minutes with an accuracy of a few meters. RAND assesses that key U.S. facilities throughout Japan could already be within range of thousands of difficult-to-defeat advanced ballistic and cruise missiles.” Even US bases on Guam are now at risk from the DF-26 missile force.
AKA: “Guam Killer”
It is important to remind yourself that the US (and Russian) non-ICBM’s are limited to an effective range of 500km for air and ground launched systems. Neither party can possess missiles that range 500-5,500km. China never signed the Intermediate Missile Treaty (aka INF) so they are free to build systems that are not in compliance with INF limitations. For the US to design and build missiles to meet the Chinese threat is “problematic” because of Russian concerns. These concerns, and accusations of Russian non-compliance, are why the US is discussing withdrawing from the INF Treaty.
Aircraft are no longer quick and relatively inexpensive to build. In WWII the US produced ~300,000 aircraft (including 59,000 lend lease) and lost 53,000 in combat (95,000 losses in total). Even in Vietnam, the US lost 2,197 fixed wing and 5,607 helicopters. Since then fixed wing losses in combat have been very light and since 9/11 only 70 helicopter have been shot down and 305 lost from mechanical problems or accidents. The issue with modern aircraft, especially modern fixed wing fighters, is there are few in service, production rates are slooooow and unit costs are high. The US is buying F-35’s at around $85M per copy and the full production rate is ~100/yr. (Some production is for allies and not US) While the numbers vary as aircraft are replaced with newer models it is safe to say that the entire inventory of combat fixed wing aircraft for the USAF, USN, and USMC is less than the number of fixed wing aircraft lost in Vietnam. China is aggressively purchasing modern fighters and bombers and want to have 200 of their new J-20 fighters in place for the SCS facing commands by 2025 which they believe will give them at least regional parity.
The US has almost no ability to rapidly replace sunk/badly damaged shipping or warships. The great industrial might we had in the Second World War has been outsourced or dissipated. As a Nation we have moved to other economic drivers, but in the event of a protracted conflict with a peer competitor this lack of building capacity will be a factor.
Diplomatic impacts of a fight within the SCS will roil the region. A minor military incident could be initiated by China in the belief that if they just cut off this one piece of salami from a minor country , quickly announce they are done and thereby prevent a major escalation. This might be accurate, or it might not be. Other nations have tried this approach recently (e.g. Russia) and have not found the “fuck it, we are fighting” response from the West, But attacking a defense treaty nation is different from grabbing Crimea or parts of Georgia (the nation and not the state).
Obama SecDef Ashton Carter was very critical of Obama ceding the initiative in the SCS to the Chinese. Carter has stated “recommendations from me and others to more aggressively challenge China’s excessive maritime claims and other counterproductive behaviors’.” Carter further stated “Obama even bought into China’s vision of a G2-style arrangement with the US.” This leaves the current and succeeding Administration’s in a difficult diplomatic position since the ASEAN and other regional nations saw the US inaction during the period before the military infrastructure was in place.
Never has a permanent UN Security Council member directly attacked another SC member in a known, public and major way. Even during the Cold War 1.0 the USSR and US/GB/FR used proxy conflicts. The best known case of a potential direct challenge, the Cuban Missile Crises, had all sides trying to defuse conflict. The impacts of a Chinese missile strike on a single US cruiser are unknown. If the Chinese were attack a Carrier Group in a systematic way the stakes would be exponentially higher. Presumably the entire diplomatic world would try to turn off the conflict as quickly as possible to spare a possible nuclear exchange. If the US went along with a cease fire without imposing major losses on the Chinese the diplomatic costs throughout the region would be immense.
Informational impacts of a crises could be stark as well. The Chinese again would hold the initiative and you can expect them to start coercive diplomacy via public media well before any military action. After the start of conflict the world information environment would be loaded with Chinese and China proxies’ messaging. One can consider that the “Great Firewall of China” would be expanded to limit internal knowledge of the conflict. The US response would probably be muddled, slow and largely ineffective in the short-term. This would largely be due to the overly bureaucratic “Whole of Government” interagency process combined with a very loose definition of “the truth” in Chinese messaging.
Economic impacts of any China/US conflict would be huge and felt worldwide. The economies of the SCS neighboring and ASEAN countries would tumble. If the conflict went for any time the worldwide impact of just changing shipping patterns would jar economies throughout the world far beyond the indo-pacific region. If blockades were established by either or both major combatant the cost of almost everything would rise. Markets throughout the Western World would soon face shortages of every product that either originated or passed through China. China’s “One Road” trade system would make up for some shortages, to those countries that the PRC chose to continue doing trade with. This in turn will build diplomatic pressures from both the US and China on nations to side with them for economic reasons.
“Experience differential” China’s armed forces are not experienced in actual combat operations, are still developing how to fight carrier groups, and their training environment does not routinely conduct Joint or realistic exercises. However the various parts of the Chinese military have taken efforts to increase the realism of training and introduce Joint operations.
The US Army, and USMC, are both extremely experienced at conducting company to brigade sized combat operations. The US armed forces are very experienced at conducting Joint operations to support disbursed small unit operations in a low threat combat environments, and are really the only nation able to routinely conduct extended carrier group operations. Bottom line, the US military is damn good at what they do.
The problem for the US is that a generation of service members have not seriously exercised how to conduct high end combat operations against a peer competitor. The US is trying to re-learn how to fight outnumbered and win an extended fight. So at the ground tactical level the US probably would curb stomp the PLA. However a fight over the SCS would be air and maritime dominated while fighting outnumbered against a foe fighting on short interior lines of communication. In addition the foe would be fighting over an issue considered close to existential for the China’s ruling class while being perceived as minor long term issue for the US home front.
WAR! The details are hazy. But in short, re-watch the series “Victory at Sea” and imagine it in color and high definition. The biggest question will be what happens after the first shots are fired. Will the two sides act like they touched a hot stove, pull back and spend more time blustering at each other? Or will the remorseless calculus of combat assert itself and both sides get drawn more deeply in as subsequent losses make it increasingly difficult to stop without losing too much face? (In respect to Xi and his cabal. Lose their foreheads to exit wounds?)
Guadalcanal 1.0
Okay, so what? All this wordiness might be interesting (or merely depressing) but why should I worry about my monocle mining orphans, pot and Mexican ass sex?
This is the big question. The accommodation of the rise of Germany in Europe bothered Russia, France and England and didn’t go very well in most people’s opinions. The rise of the US was accommodated by England to the world’s betterment; and the fall of the USSR went better than most people feared. The rise of China is presenting the world with a similar challenge.
China is an illiberal socialist nation whose ruling Chinese Communist Party leaders need to keep the economy growing to stave off revolt and their own executions. While the economy was growing at double digit annual rates, the CCP could keep the new internal “middle class” content enough. Now that the economy has cooled (a discussion of that would be several books of material) the CCP is looking at how to re-spark growth and finding external enemies to distract the populace. Xi as the “Authoritarian in Chief” stresses that by 2049 China will emerge from the “100 years of humiliation” as a recognized world power. Xi is looking at Taiwan but recognizes that fighting for Taiwan may involve more risk to the ruling CCP powers than they are willing to accept at this time. The SCS may offer a chance to throw off “humiliation” at much less risk and before 2049.
Why less risk? The SCS is close to the mainland and very far from the US mainland. The Chinese would operate on shorter lines of communication and present the US with multiple dilemmas. The Chinese see opportunities to consolidate their gains with smaller and quickly completed military operations directed at the edges of US interests. These operations present US and regional decision makers with having to respond fait accompli to CCP gains. If the Chinese can keep away from direct PI and Japanese interventions then they steer clear of US treaty obligations. It would be hard to mobilize the American people to support the claims of Vietnam, Malaysia or Brunei. If China directly assails the PI and then coerce or bribe the Philippine government into disavowing combat or recognize the Chinese claims hoping to sate the dragon’s hunger then US reactions are massively limited. The payoff for China for consolidating their claims in the SCS would be huge if they can do so without triggering a very destructive war with the US. The map shows the scale of the economic benefit that would result from capturing the exclusive use of those resources and being able to restrict free trade.
The military advantage gained would be huge as well. China would gain unobstructed access to the Central Pacific and hold every regional economy at risk. The diplomatic impact of success would demonstrate to the region and world that China must be accounted for and that their approval would be vital for local regime stability.
So what are some options for the US concerning the SCS?
The options presented to the US all have downsides because of baked in prior treaties and policy decisions. The choices the US faces also involve multiple secondary and tertiary impacts that cannot be fully known at almost any point of decision. A well-known truism of strategic decision making is: decisions made concerning one issue never completely solve that issue, they just help define the next issues that will need to be dealt with.
Renouncing or changing defense alliances and treaties is always a possibility. These changes come with known and unknown risks as all parties relook their internal and external calculus. For example: The PRC and the PI are both confident that a major military action against the Philippines will bring the US into the conflict. Any change to the US/PI defense treaty will be quickly known by all three countries and will change the decision calculus. The PRC may take a more aggressive step and seize a PI claimed SCS feature confident that the US would not become involved. But even under the new treaty, the US may still enter the conflict for its own reasons using the old, or revised, treaty as a public rational. Strong defense treaties are made to reduce confusion on the part of potential adversaries, so any changes the US seeks will need to be carefully thought out.
The US can withdraw from the SCS area and explicitly or implicitly recognize the PRC’s claims. The US stepping away from the current global hegemon role in respect to the western Pacific Region could save us in current military related expenses (Carrier Groups are not cheap to own or operate) but again this COA will have second and third order impacts. Except for the PRC’s designs on Taiwan, the modern history of China rarely features major grasps for territorial expansionism. Besides the current SCS efforts the PRC has demonstrated expansionism in the past in regards to Vietnam and the 1950 invasion of Tibet. Xi and the CCP would most probably grab their entire SCS claims quickly filling any perceived vacuum left by the US. The next steps are more a mystery but the economic impacts of preventing or regulating and taxing maritime and aerial transit of the SCS would rapidly roil the global economy.
The US loss of access to the western Pacific will have diplomatic and defense impacts as well. The US currently is seen as the “cop on the beat” by nations all over the world. If the US is seen voluntarily taking a major step away from that role in the SCS it will cause the rest of the world to relook all aspects of America’s role in defense. As a matter of public debate leaving the SCS would quickly eclipse the worthwhile exit from Syria and drawdowns in Iraq and Afghanistan. Would pulling back from the SCS embolden Russia, Iran, or others in making additional extraterritorial grabs of terrain or establishing “satellite states” and thereby create new defense issues?
The PRC already is attempting to establish their currency as an international benchmark and pulling away from a long term defense commitment would influence many nations to replace dollars for yuan in part or in whole. This would impact interest rates and the relative strength of the dollar for us to buy Romanian wine, Japanese noodles or German hops.
The US can maintain the status quo in the SCS. The current US policy is that the SCS issues must be handled peacefully by the various claimants. The US also supports the international tribunal findings between the PRC and PI mentioned above. The US has stated that we regard the SCS as non-territorial waters and not part of the territorial waters or EEZ by any claimant, but especially China. The US deciding to continue maritime and aerial operations backing free navigation through the SCS waters and air will keep potential adversaries internal calculus including the question of “What if…?” around the world.
The US can work with ASEAN and interested nations to draw a new path for the SCS which reduces US open ended commitments while securing the vital SCS transportation lines of communication and economic assets for all parties. China will continue to oppose this COA and will regard this COA as a way to “fence in” proper Chinese aspirations and the US attempting to influence other states to gang up on China. China dislikes any multilateral agreement unless they feel comfortable with their ability to ignore the agreement without serious repercussions. (See the Paris Accords, MTO and IMF agreements.) Despite the difficulties with this COA, it is probably the best way, over (significant) time to reduce the threat of war while maintaining economic progress. Just don’t think that this way will be quick or easy.
Good morning by my incorrigible scoundrels, and what a glorious morning it is as the partial shutdown is still in effect leading to the postponement of the State of the Union address. Personally, I think Trump should have taken up that sweet few hours of prime time television to have aired a Trump Extravaganza with bikini girls, cannons, and fireworks.
With the Russia nonsense fading away, Democrats are now pushing even harder on the “zomg racist” rhetoric, continuing the destruction of the meaning of the word.
I’m still here. We’re running into all kinds of weather-related problems that are seriously messing with our timing…and everything else. Hard enough to do this relocation thing anytime. How to make it even more challenging? Let’s bring on snowstorm after snowstorm! We barely dig out of one and the next one hits. And the temperature keeps dropping.
Poor OMWC has been having to go out (over and over) to drop off donated items and acquire more boxes…and packing paper…and tape…and bubble wrap (and not because I’m popping it all, I swear). Since we have a large roll-off container taking up the entire driveway (the image on the site front page is our actual front yard this morning), and there is no street parking in our neighborhood, this entails hiking through the snow drifts up to a neighborhood park’s parking lot, digging the car out of where it’s been plowed in, and finally bringing the car to the house to load, carrying everything down our snowy, icy, sloping driveway. Gee, I don’t know why he has bruises the size of a dinner plate. (It wasn’t me, Officer!)
One of the biggest concerns? Yep, that’s going to be loading and moving the wine in subzero temps next week. Oh, yeah, and loading and moving everything else we own, too…although that’s the problem of the big moving company with a very similar name to an airline. As of right now, they don’t plan on postponing.
So, tonight’s question.
How many times have you moved residences as an adult? How many times have you relocated?
I don’t ever seem to just move. I always relocate. This will be cross country relocation number nine. I don’t mind telling you, I’m a little sick of it.
I’m happier’n a camel on Hump Day. Mostly because my wife and I are actually going to have an adult dinner out somewhere. That will be great. Imagine, talking with your partner about shit other than the next thing on the to-do list.
So you run a company that spends 11 months a year producing product that sells out in six weeks, and you can’t stay in business? Was your entire upper management peopled by former government managers?
I was having an interesting conversation with a lawyer friend about how people under 35 or so seem to be willing to forego specialized services that people over 35 think are just the cost of doing business. His story involved a young entrepreneur walking away from a million-dollar partnership rather than pay a $5000 retainer. Like, not only did the guy not use my friend’s services, he just walked away with whatever his partner offered him, which was not an even split. Here’s one about a similar age-cohort foregoing doctors. I don’t want to overstate the case — young people of many generations have foregone doctors because if you’re 25 and typically healthy you don’t absolutely need one. However, I would be interested to hear other people’s take on this because I do kind of feel like there’s a kernel of insight there. Can apps + The Interwebs really reduce the bullshit and optimize your time spent on such things to approximately zero, or not? Is this just being young and not at all generational? I’m not strongly one one side or the other and beg the wisdom and insight of the Glibertariat.
“Is Sarah really not going to give any more White House press briefings?” the hair asked.
“I’ve canceled them,” the hat said. “I mean, what’s the point? They just ignore her and write what they want.”
“But it’s the White House Press briefing. They’ve all been lies and bullshit since the very first one.”
“Fuck ‘em. Let ’em read the press releases.”
“But what’s going to happen to Sarah? What is she going to do around here?”
“This and that. Cook and clean, I guess.”
“She’s going to look fucking terrible in a French maid uniform,” the hair said.
“Barf, dude. Just barf,” the hat said. “That shit is going to be in my mind forever.”
“Yeah, like that time I walked in on you trying to fuck a grapefruit wrapped up in duct tape.”
“Knock first!” the hat yelled.
“Oh, don’t worry about that from now on! One-hundred percent going to knock!”
Donald walked into the Oval Office, talking into his cellphone. “Ivanka, Ivanka, I’ll be my own press secretary. I’ve got Twitter, baby girl. Straight to the America people. The Real America. Farmers on tractors checking their Instagram accounts, steel mill workers pausing to take selfies with molten ore, FBI agents tracking my movements. FIFH-ty-seven million followers. I’m yuge!” He covered the phone with his free hand. “You boys want to say anything to Ivanka?”
The hair shook itself “no” in a freeform wave of tendrils. The hat said “Tell her to send me a sext. The good stuff this time. Baby-box or butthole.”
“Yeah, baby girl,” Donald said into the phone. “I gotta go. Make sure to send a sext later. Bye-bye. Daddy loves you, he really does. Tell Daddy you love him. OK, bye, sweetie.” The hair made a gagging sound and the hat giggled.
“Ivanka said we fired Pie. Is this fake news?” Donald said, turning to glare at the hat and the hair.
“Not true,” the hat said.
“Of course not,” the hair said.
“I just canceled all future White House press briefings until the stupid reporters learn to be respectful,” the hat said.
“Why wasn’t I informed of this?!?” asked the man who was informed of it numerous times.
The hat and hair looked at one another. The hat coughed.
“I’m tweeting about this,” Donald said.
“OK,” the hat said.
“I mean it,” Donald said. “I’ll tweet about it unless you stop me.”
“No one is going to stop you, Donald,” the hair said.
Donald took off his pants and then typed furiously on his phone for a few moments.
“My thumb is right over the “send” button!” he said.
“Just make sure to call her Sarah,” the hair said.
“Sarah? Who the fuck is Sarah? Donald asked.
‘Podium?” the hair asked, reading over the hat’s brim. “Isn’t it actually a lectern?”
“You stand on a podium, you read from a lectern. They aren’t interchangeable,” the hat said snidely.
“But he puts podium in quotation marks,” the hair said. “Is he saying it really isn’t a podium?”
“Like a fake podium, a pseudopodia?” the hat asked, laughing at his own pun.
Good morning my lovable assholes. And what a glorious morning it is as the partial government shutdown is still in effect. It may end soon, who knows, as there are two dueling bills, one in the Senate reflecting Trump’s offer, the second from the House which would reopen government until February 8th.
Sorry for the delay in getting a post up for you, Glibs! I have no excuse. I just forgot. January has been a month of constant jackassery. I don’t have any water in the kitchen — and haven’t since the weekend — because of the sub zero temperatures.
This has been such a stressful month so far that when I sat down to write this Products You Need post all I could think about is alcohol.
So, tonight I present to you: Cocktails You Need.
1. Rob Roy
So far as I can tell, this seems to basically be a Scotch version of a Manhattan. Admittedly, I first heard of this in Venture Brothers.
2. Cucumber Gin Ricky
This recipe is simple and makes me daydream about warmer weather coming and thawing out my pipes (not a euphemism). Cucumber, gin, lime, sodawater, and simple syrup.
3. Mango Habanero Margarita
I cannot wait to try this. Tequila, triple sec, mango, habanero, grapefruit soda, lime, and lemon.
4. Red Velvet Cake Martini
Perfect for those who want their cake and to drink it, too. Dessert with booze. What’s not to love?
5. Gold Rush
And, because, whisky, I have one more for you. Whisky, honey syrup, and some other stuff.
Happy Tuesday, back to work, back to work. Unless you’re snowed in or frozen in. I was up pretty late drinking and reading Azure documentation. So I guess I just need to be properly buzzed for the test next week. Thank God for Uber, right?
Prudish scolds shouted down the Library of Congress for noticing (as our own Sloopy did) that Stonewall Jackson (a pretty good American soldier before he joined the Confederacy) happened to be born on the same day his conquerors (or re-conquerors) government chose to honor Dr. Martin Luther King’s contribution to America. I kind of wonder who Dr. King would identify with more being Southern, a gun owner, and having experienced the oppression at the hands of government agents. I guess I should text my wife and tell her to prepare for my doxxing.
How likely are you to live to 90? If you’re a woman, be tall and thin. If you’re man, its pretty much a crapshoot (t/w CNN, but currently featuring a Warty approved picture)
SEALS needing electroshock therapy to be normal? Anyone surprised? Kidding aside, its really electro-stimulation and anything that helps alleviate PTSD and other mental and TBI damage effects from war is good.
The article for Riven put me in mind of a certain album cover, and this song seems like something Florida Man would come up with.
