While I was eating breakfast I got a bunch of alerts on my phone. ZXY is down. WVG is down. ADXT is down. All down. Dangit. Trump must have called somebody a cunt again.
I got something else equally disturbing in an email.
Oh no…I need to call Swiss, anything but calling Swiss…
While I was scrolling in my phone for his unlisted number…I got a call.
“This Prathiba from Swiss Corps International Industries. Nice to see you have manual dexterity and can push the little green call button on your phone.”
“Hi Prathiba. You get deported back to Hell yet?” Two in a row. Maybe Swiss’ outsourced executive assistant, really is good.
“That funny, shithead. Sit tight and stay on line. I patching you through to Mr. Swiss.”
“Permission to sit tight, boss?”
“What?”
“Sitting tight, boss.”
“Just shut up.”
“Permission to shut up, boss?”
“What?”
“Shutting up there, boss.”
“What in hell do you think you trying to do?”
“You told me to shut up, boss.”
“You know what, I not have time for your failure to communicate. I fucking hate you. MAGA bitch.”
Wow. Note to self: Swiss’ assistant has never seen Cool Hand Luke.
____
“mex. you have a problem.” Swiss began.
”Oh, I have a problem?” Let’s try to play it dumb.
”Yes. Your problem is STEVE SMITH needs to get wrangled in again. Something has him spooked, and we’re afraid he’s going to do something…um…impolite.”
”This sounds like a you problem.”
”Well he left a SCRIBBLED note with the Swiss Corps stock ticker saying, STEVE SMITH GET ORANGE MAN. LEAVE BROWN MAN AT HOME, OR STEVE SMITH GET BROWN MAN TOO. BY GET BROWN MAN…MEAN—“
”What’s he want with Trump?”
”I looked in to that. Trump’s trade war been nailing him pretty hard. This must have been the last straw. STEVE SMITH owns 25% of Swiss Corps International. Apparently he direct deposits his dividend to the Foundation for a Free Cascadia Foundation. Nice little tax scam he has going for him.”
”So he owns a quarter of your Swiss masters—does that make him your Swiss Quartermaster?”
*Narrowed Gaze*
“Okay, I got it. It still sounds like a you problem.” I said after an awkward moment when my phone became noticeably cold.
”Not really.”
”How do you figure?”
”We put Sugarfree on the red eye your way, you’ll meet him at the airport and head to DC to intercept STEVE SMITH, before he rapes the president.”
”What? That doesn’t make any sense. Sugarfree is flying four hours the wrong direction.”
”You expect any of this to make sense? You’re being sent to intercept a Sasquatch on his way to rape the president.”
_____
”Nice to see you again mex.”. Sugarfree said as the flight attendant was going through the safety guidelines. “I really appreciate you meeting me on the flight to our nation’s capital. I have trouble flying.”
”Its cool, they have alcohol.
“Thats a good idea. STEWARDESS!”
”You …can’t call him that.”
”Oh I know. STEWARDESS!”
”Can I help you?” The flight attendant asked.
”Yes. My emotional support animal needs a drink…” Sugarfree said.
“You don’t have an emotional support animal.” The flight attendant replied.
Sugarfree grabbed me by the wrist, and raised my hand over my head. His hand was unsettlingly clammy.
”My emotional support animal is right here…”
_____
Sugarfree kept fidgeting. He wouldn’t stop moving, even in the slightly larger than normal seats in the 737Maxx.
”mex.” Sugarfree whispered.
”Yeah…”
”mex.”
”What.”
”mex.”
”WHAT?”
”I have a bomb”
“Excuse me?”
”I have…a bomb.”
”Don’t say it so loud. You’re going to get us into trouble.”
”…but I have a bomb…in my pants…”
Comments
89 responses to “Shorting Everything”
Fucking. Epic.
Did I tell you Sugarfree went Keto a couple years ago? Absolutely revolting.
I don’t want the details.
ehm… welll.. right…
RED FLAGS!
Why you hate on commie fags?
Is the 737Maxx different from the 737Maxxx?
It’s x times better.
Yes. One of them is owned by Epstein.
I’m pretty sure the latter was used as a porn set.
I’m shakin it boss
Goddamn, that chick was fine
Trivia: they actually filmed her and the men leering at her in two separate scenes. On the day they did the men leering, it was a rather cold day and they had a rather less sexy character in a heavy coat washing the car.
I misread it as “I have trouble lying,” and spent far too much time trying to find the joke.
That was brilliant Mexi!
Sugarfree grabbed me by the wrist, and raised my hand over my head. His hand was unsettlingly clammy.
Perfection.
You’re too kind.
Very nice. Well written dialogue-driven stuff is always fun.
Love it.
Good luck with STEVE SMITH…
*quietly looks up Warty Hugeman’s number*
See, the problem here is that you all don’t notice when the “fiction” tag is missing. These are just little slices of life from Glib HQ.
Yeah, I kept wondering where the beer review was.
SugarFree ordered it for him on the plane.
I was thinking this was the cue:
Saturday.
They don’t let me talk about alcohol during business hours.
I kept wondering what day it was.
OT – Apologies if already posted.
Full House of Moustaches
Not sure what is creepier, that video or this article. yeesh.
1. What in the name of Christ did the passenger eat?
2. Wouldn’t it be hellish if the passenger desperately wanted to stop farting but couldn’t?
3. Nothing against the Germans, but, I can’t help but notice that jacket says “Polizei”, and assuming that’s not the problem farter, I mean, aren’t the Germans known for being a little, well, interested, shall we say, in things that happen in and around the keister?
Apologies for going OT so soon on what is a splendid piece–which actually reminds me a little bit of the classic “The Aristocrats!” joke–but I’m all giddy and excited because I just ordered one of these as a birthday present to me from me:
https://www.classicfirearms.com/romanian-ttc-33-tokarev-pistol/
This will be the first “big” caliber pistol I’ve ever personally owned. I’ve never shot 7.62×25 before but I hear good things. Also, it’s kind of ironic that I’m buying a pistol made in Pie’s country that he isn’t allowed to have. Although, there’s a store on the eastern shore that sells a ton of guns that aren’t legal for residents of Maryland to buy, so there’s that.
So soon? It’s two hours since the article went up.
7.62×25 has a lot of zip on it, more recoil than you’d expect for a “little” cartridge.
I bought a 32 mag more for the pistol than the cartridge. I never thought much of 32s. Then I shot the damned thing. Holy crap…it is zippy as hell and penetrates like crazy.
“it is zippy as hell and penetrates like crazy”
THIS SOUND LIKE STEVE SMITH!
The second part, yes, but I always assumed that STEVE was a more, shall we say, languid suitor.
NO RUSH. HIKER NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Nice.
?
a birthday present to me from me
somebody’s getting lucky tonight…
I hope you show yourself the proper appreciation, Naptown.
Nice curio. Its a surprisingly hot cartridge.
there’s a store on the eastern shore that sells a ton of guns that aren’t legal for residents of Maryland to buy, so there’s that.
So who do they sell them to?
Could be mistaken but NB probably meant illegal to possess in Maryland… not to buy in VA. As a resident, I’ve never bought out of state in VA but assume someone from Maryland could buy anything and their state gov would never know.
Going the other direction, Maryland cops have their VIPER systems, or whatever they’re called, set to detect VA license plates and ping them if the owner has a concealed carry. Then they go and make said driver’s life a living hell. This harassment got so bad that the VA General Assembly passed or tried to pass a bill preventing Maryland from accessing records on VA CC holders. It either narrowly failed or was vetoed due to Virginia Police throwing a tantrum about how it would endanger their Maryland brothers in blue. Not one fucking care about the the VA residents they are actually sworn to protect.
Virginia Police throwing a tantrum about how it would endanger their Maryland brothers in blue
“You want to protect Maryland cops, get a job in Maryland. Your job is to serve and protect Virginians, and that definitely does not include assisting Maryland in harassing them and violating their rights.”
There’s a place right on the border with Delaware called Atlantic Firearms that I’m talking about. They’ve got a bunch of stuff like AKs, “hi-cap” mags, etc. that you can’t own in Maryland unless you’re an FFL. Now, based on where they are, I’d guess it’s like a five minute drive to Delaware and maybe an hour max to Virginia, plus they have a pretty large online catalog, so my guess is that most of their trade is online sales through FFLs in other states. I’m also sure that they’re watched like a hawk to make sure no locals walk out with a 30-round mag or anything.
Ohh I got you now. I thought you were referring to the VA side of the Eastern Shore. I was picturing a gun store set up right over the border to cater to Maryland residents. Kind of like all of the fireworks signs just on the South Carolina side of the NC/SC border.
No, but if you know any Virginians who want to set up a magazine stand–not the reading kind–right on the border I’ll guarantee they’ll make a killing. Pennsylvania, too, come to think of it.
That’s a damn pretty handgun. Congrats and happy birthday. Damn, I love those Commie guns.
Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but I dig ’em too.
Have you seen the new IWI Masada yet?
https://www.pewpewtactical.com/iwi-masada-review/
I just did a little light reading on that 7.62 x 25 Tokarev round. Sounds pretty intriguing.
Another Mexican with La Bamba and plane trouble
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCXlp3D5NQA
*applauds*
OT: I’d been responding to a meme with regard to wage versus chattel slavery , when I’d recalled a fellow by the name of George Fitzhugh. It would be pretty funny to confront leftists with quotes from him.
These same people will balk at the idea that taxation is a form of servitude.
Ancap: Taxation is theft!
Prog: Nuh-uh! Paying workers less than a living wage is theft!
If I had to guess, Fitzhugh is where Plecker got a lot of his ideas. He was vehemently anti-integration and a eugenicist, but simultaneously worked to improve infant mortality among blacks.
worked to improve infant mortality among blacks
Its just good business to decrease wastage and increase your capital stock
Sorry for so much text. I just subjected myself to reading the crazy from El Paso, thought I’d provide some quotes I hadn’t seen anywhere else and in more context.
So an old school prog.
Anti-immigration socialist/fascist. Didn’t use to be all that uncommon, and would actually give the Left more electoral traction, I suspect, if they went that way.
Thanks for posting the link CPRM. I hadn’t seen the manifesto posted anywhere.
Huh. I’d say that guy’s all over the place but it all sort of fits in a crazy way. Like he’s the guy who you realize like mid-way through what seemed to be a rational conversation is kind of a fuckin’ nut, like a high-functioning fruitcake.
Exactly right.
Wouldn’t lower wages stave off automation?
Well yeah, but then how would you use the taxes on those to pay for UBI and universal healthcare and all the other shit this sorry motherfucker wants the government to give him?
“This is just the beginning of the fight for America and Europe. I am honored to head the fight to reclaim my country from destruction”
By committing the one act that gives ammunition to the anti-2nd Amendment politicians. Yeah, thanks asshole. You just fucked your countrymen over while senselessly murdering innocent people. I hope you’re ass raped in prison every day for the rest of of your miserable life.
OT: Finally got a new cell-phone number last night. About 30 minutes ago, I got phoned (in what I assume will be many such contacts) by FDR Ltd. (Financial Debt Recovery) out of Toronto, looking for the previous owner of this number. Whether the previous owner had a genuine debt or FDR’s just trying to scam him/her/it, I’m sure they’re gonna keep after me now.
I hate this sh*t. I got confused with someone else who had the same first and last name but not the same middle name many years ago, and the calls kept coming. Since they assume that you really are the intended target, anything you say will just be chalked up to “the target’s lying to us.” There’s gotta be a better way of dealing with these dicks than blocking ’em, but for now they’re blocked.
**HEAVY SIGH**
There’s no real way to deal with them. It’s particularly a pisser when getting a new phone for a kid. Just block and go on.
Hrmm… They recently rolled out a new area code colocated with the existing one for this region. I could probably get a never-before-issued phone number if I got a cheapass prepaid phone plan. I wonder if I should see how long it takes before it starts getting spam calls if I never use it.
With the existence of predictive/round-robin/stochastic dialers, I’d say you wouldn’t have to wait more than a few weeks, at most.
Are you in Canada or the US?
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
I have a different area code from where I live. It’s nice because I know all incoming local area code numbers are genuine, while anything matching the area code on the phone is spam. My work cell was the opposite (number was local, but business was located where I used to live), so I could immediately tell what calls were legit and needed to be answered.
Mine is an overlay area code from Manhattan where neither I nor anyone I know lives, nor is any legitimate business I might expect to call me likely to have it. And of course 90% of the calls I get match my area code.
My wife’s is like that, she never changed from 850 after we moved to VA.
Obligatory
Maybe they just wanted to offer the owner of the number a New Deal.
I’ve been getting debt collection and legal notice calls for some dude named Alvin for 20 years. I actually think they might be legit but have the wrong number.
You’re not an animal!
*sobs*
Your*
Leave me out of this.
Will this be counted as a hate crime in federal statistics? Serious question.
https://www.dailycaller.com/2019/08/08/california-stabbing-spree-murders/
I dunno but they’re trying hard to paint one here.
So the one in CA has four dead and therefore will be classified as a mass stabbing.
We need common-sense knife control. Like our betters across the pond.
Everyone should have to live their lives handcuffed to a Homeland Security agent. If it saves only one life, it would be worth it.
Awesome:) Cant wait to read about the “intervention”:)