A Chronicle of the Insurgency, Part Two:
If You Can Beat Them, Join Them
by Tonio
“So, the second time I got pregnant I had gotten really drunk with this boy who seemed so nice and said he had a condom, but when I was cleaning up the room the next day I didn’t see a condom in the trash. I missed my next period and tested pregnant, then he was a total shitlord douchenugget when I asked for abortion money. I had just joined Campus Action Feminists and Professor Kudchuian told us about Rescue This! I told her I was pregnant and asked if she could put me in touch with them.”
“A week later I took the train up to DC and met the RT! activists. They took me to this out-of-the-way toilet they had found at the Immaculate Conception Basilica and kept watch while I aborted. That time was pretty quick and easy. Then they stickered the inside of the stall with their ‘ABORTED FETUS IN TOILET’ bumper stickers and locked the door. Once we were back on the Metro they emailed the church and the media.”
“And we all know the rest of the story,” said Angelica Cortasio-Ortez. She remembered the news footage of the clerical outrage, and the countless crying and praying nuns, and then the of the Knights of Columbus in their silly fucking patriarchal antique British Navy hats staging a full dress funeral for the news cameras.
“So Moira,” asked Ella, “how many people know that you’re a fully fledged RT! activist?”
“Outside of the RT! women, only Professor Kudchuian.”
Ella ticked her pen against her teeth. “If this ever comes out the entire right will turn into poo-flinging monkeys, just like they did the first time. And then you will own the abortion debate from the left for a few news cycles. You can always distance yourself from her if she becomes too hot.” She looked at Moira. “Everyone is expendable except your officeholder, dear. That’s the first thing you learn in politics.”
Angelica nodded at her chief of staff.
“May I excuse myself, Congresswoman,” asked Ella, “I want to be there to greet the Superintendent of Buildings people for your next appointment. You know how they like to wander off.”
“Of course, Ella. Thanks. ”
Angelica waited for the door to close.
“Do you still want the job?”
“Oh, yes,” answered Moira, her voice squeaking.
Angelica’s desk phone did the intercom buzz. As she picked up the phone she heard the receptionist scream “can’t go in there…” and then silence.
A cold breeze blew in through the closed office door. Moira shivered and huddled, drawing her feet up into her chair. “It’s him,” she whispered hoarsely.
Every woman’s worst nighmare, thought Angelica, your boyfriend going violent after he learns that you aborted your pregnancy. Earlier, Moira had said that her current boyfriend was some sort of church leader and that she had kept the pregnancy from him. It had to be one of the patriarchal religions since progressive boys understood it wasn’t their decision to make.
She pressed the alarm button under her desk and hoped that the receptionist had already pushed hers. The wind intensified and her office door became somehow different, like there were extra angles in the doorframe. The wind blew colder and faster and was now accompanied by howling. The door now appeared to be made of dark roiling clouds. Suddenly there was a thing in the room, a vastly large and incomprehensible tentacled thing. The thing loomed over Moira and yelled at her in a loud booming voice.
“YOU ABORTED MY SPAWN, THEN BEAT IT WITH YOUR SHOE. FOOLISH HUMAN FEMALE.”
Yoko Ono wasn’t right enough, thought Angelica, not just the world, but apparently the entire universe. “Now look here,” she said, then everything just stopped for her. She was paralyzed with her mouth open and her index finger extended. She could see and hear, but could not move; she couldn’t tell if she was breathing but did not feel out of breath. How patriarchal to police the speech of women.
“Here we go again,” said Moira rolling her eyes, “‘I am an elder god.’”
“I AM A GREAT OLD ONE.”
“‘And I’ve destroyed races greater than yours.’”
“STOP THAT, YOU IMPUDENT SLUT. YOU ARE THE ONLY BREEDING VESSEL IN ANY TIME, PLACE OR DIMENSION WHO HAS DARED TO TRY TO HARM MY SPAWN. I AM ANGRY. VERY ANGRY INDEED. BUT I AM ALSO IMPRESSED. NOT ONLY WILL I ALLOW YOU TO LIVE, BUT I WILL GIVE YOU A BIRTHING GIFT BEYOND ALL MEASURE.”
Angelica just couldn’t even.
“Birthing gift? You mean…”
“OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T KILL HIM, BUT HE’S SCARED AND HUNGRY AND TRYING TO FIND YOU.”
Moira didn’t like the sound of that. “Hey, I can’t…”
“I KNOW YOU CAN’T TAKE CARE OF HIM.”
How typical, thought Angelica, angry patriarchs telling women they were incapable of proper motherhood – like they’d know anything about that.
From inside the bathroom came the sound of water, first a stream, then a gush. Just as the carpet outside the door started to darken with fluid there was a great whoosh and the door was sucked open from within. Then the pipe where the toilet had been erupted with a geyser of sewer gas and moisture and a parsnip came screaming out and made a bee-line towards Moira. At least it looked like a parsnip, only fatter; it was conical and wrinkly and had small rootlike tendrils. The parsnip was scooting along on its wide flat base, leaving a moist trail on the carpet.
“SOMEONE HAS LEARNED HOW TO FEED ALL BY HIMSELF,” boomed the tentacled thing, proudly.
The parsnip reached Moira’s chair and stopped. “Mama,” it cried in a voice that was at once both high and low, mewling and echoing. The parsnip then scrunched down and quivered its tip like a cat tensing for a vertical jump.
“WE’LL HAVE NONE OF THAT, YOUNG MAN,” said the great being, quickly extruding a long tentacle and coiling it tightly around the parsnip pinning the base to the floor so that only the top third protruded. “YOUR MOTHER’S BIRTH CANAL IS OFF-LIMITS. YOU’RE A BIG BOY NOW THAT YOU CAN FEED YOURSELF.”
Just like his father, going straight for the pussy, thought Moira. Ick-factor aside, she was glad that the baby, or whatever it was was being restrained. Her son had grown considerably in the half-hour or so since his birth. Her son. She’d have to get used to that.
The parsnip opened a mouth and clamped a set of sharp teeth down on the tentacle encircling it.
“WHY YOU LITTLE…” There was a flash and a pop and the parsnip emitted a small shriek. The sewer smell was punctuated by the smell one experiences after a thunderstorm.
Using electroshock on a fussy newborn, thought Angelica. That’s the most despicable thing I’ve ever heard of.
“Can I hold him,” asked Moira?
“AFTER WHAT YOU TRIED TO DO,” asked the large tentacled being.
Moira tilted her head down and stuck out her lower lip ever so slightly and looked up at the being.
“YOU ARE TREACHEROUS AND YOU EXEMPLIFY THE BANALITY OF EVIL. I AM TOUCHED,” boomed the being and extended the tentacle containing the parsnip and placed it atop Moira’s ample bosom, then resting the tentacle on Moira’s shoulder. Moira encircled the smelly little monster with her arms. The parsnip snuggled in to her cleavage and made a happy sound.
“So what comes next,” asked Moira.
“I WILL TAKE HIM TO LIVE WITH MOTHER HYDRA; SHE HAS RAISED MY FAMILY’S SPAWN FOR EONS AND HAS THE POWER TO KEEP HIM UNDER CONTROL.”
“WE’LL WORK OUT VISITATION, IF YOU LIKE.”
Moira nodded, tears running down her cheeks. Her son’s eyes shut one by one and he started a low vibrating noise that she was felt as much as heard.
“MAYBE WE COULD ALL DO THINGS TOGETHER…”
“Oh Hastur, that is so sweet.”
“HE IS ASLEEP. WE WILL GO BEFORE HE WAKES AND NEEDS TO FEED AGAIN.”
Hastur copped a major feel as he retrieved his son, and they exited via the method by which he had arrived. Angelica found herself unparalyzed.
Then the Capitol Police arrived, followed by fire and rescue people, then people in yellow plastic hooded suits with reflective letters that said HAZMAT. Angelica and Moira spent the next hour being alternately hosed off and scrubbed; the water was cold and the detergents harsh. And then they were given blister packs of antibiotics and told to be prepared to spend the next 48-72 hours shitting and to stock up on Pedialyte. “And you won’t be able to go back into your office for a few days, anyway, Congresswoman.” The little weasel from building management was enjoying kicking her out of her office.
The evening news was full of stories of sewer eruptions on Capitol Hill with workers and residents terrified by what the DC Water and Sewer Authority claimed were sewer rats expelled by the pressure. Mayor Bowser demanded more money from Congress to update the sewer system.
And it was the next day before anyone noticed that Amy Klobuchar was missing.
Comments
124 responses to “If You Can Beat Them, Join Them”
Beautiful and disturbing story. Now please excuse me while I roll for sanity loss.
Throdogoth l’ ah c’ gnaiih Hastur!
*prays to die first*
Oh, my!
I like parsnips.
Also, ?
By coincidence as I read this the Tucker Carlson show was on and he was grilling a defender of the baby murder laws.
These laws are on par with any of the worst in history. The defenders keep trying to split hairs and add nuance and assure us….fucking liars.
We all know exactly where they are going with this: unrestricted abortion including post-birth murder.
It’s insane how far those dems will contort themselves to not answer his questions.
Insane is exactly the right word. I used to think it was a bit hyperbolic to describe leftism as a symptom of mental illness.
I have changed my mind.
The rachet just keeps going one way and I don’t see it changing any time soon.
nope because Charlie Gard is right there, the next step, and these ghouls don’t care.
The whole abortion ‘discussion’ has made me so angry the last few years, because I fell for their “safe, rare, legal” argument, but pro-lifers were right all along that it was just a trojan horse. The imperfect? “kill ’em. They’re a drain on society.” That shit is coming back. These people talk about “punching nazis” all the time while every single thing they do is exactly what the nazis were all about.
You have to keep NHA costs down somehow.
Yep. Second.
Sorta like “If you like your fetus you can keep your fetus.”
@Swiss. If you’re still online, please shoot me an e-mail so I have your address.
Spud’s got a date!
*narrow gays*
*insert a tumbleweeds gif*
https://media.giphy.com/media/O38dU2kkQ9sWc/giphy.gif
Mayor Bowser demanded more money from Congress to update the sewer system.
It’s a sewage and people transport system! Just don’t hire that dago plumbing company from Brooklyn.
And it was the next day before anyone noticed that Amy Klobuchar was missing.
Good, I hope she became tentacle monster food.
I DON’T GET IT!
But I like it.
You ever seen a mushroom log? Yknow, a sacrificial log that is seeded with mushroom spores and slowly and excruciatingly consumed by the growing mushrooms? That’s what I’m envisioning.
As long as she goes away, I’m cool.
You lost me right at the end. No way anybody would miss Klobuchar until she was gone for at least a week.
This is what a Glibs hookup looks like (to borrow an HM theme)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9_C6P_9q_no
It’s missing some tentacles
OMWC approves.
My sister is moving and she brought a bunch of things to put in my fridge.
+1 ‘A house full of condiments and no food. How embarrassing.’
That’s no reason to blow the place up.
A Brief History of Socialism
I shivered reading this story. I don’t know what that means, but it happened
It means you might want to encircle your bed with salt or other ward of your choice before retiring.
Or change your underwear.
So, I gotta work on Superbowl Sunday, but… I got 0-0 in the Superbowl pool. It’s the third highest occurring combo. I’m hopeful. Oh, and it’s O.T., time and a half.
5 out of 4 of these ladies have had abortions.
http://archive.is/nGSzW
MANDATORY VASECTOMIES.
43 is winner.
I’m so tired of this. These dogs think they can keep my ovaries on a ball and chain while they sip their lunchtime cocktails and gloat about affairs with their secretaries. If these thick headed patriarchal ovarian jail guards would get off their high horses for two seconds they would see that we are real people with real problems and if we need a fucking abortion they can shut their ignorant christian mouths. I for one am tired of being told that I’m a slut based on the number of abortions I’ve had. I’m a good person that’s why I tattooed each of their names on my arm, Martin, Shannon, Michelle, and Peter. I love all of my children but I am not sorry for what I did because it made me the person that I am today. Right wing soul suckers can jude me all they want but at the end of the day it’s cheaper for them so I don’t see why they care. I’m just trying to live my life I don’t see why that has to be so hard for a man to understand. Would you believe that two of partners actually tried to stop me from getting the abortions. For that reason I will never talk either of them again. I’m fucking done.
Agile?
I for one am tired of being told that I’m a slut based on the number of abortions I’ve had.
How does serial killer fit?
So is that what this place is becoming? Just a competition to see who can do better gross out porn? Because I gotta tell ya: I like it; I’m in.
Honest question: Why are the Catholic lawmakers supporting this shit not being excommunicated?
Because the Catholic Church in America has a long Democrat Party tradition.
And while the laiety may not as much anymore, the leadership still does.
Because the establishment church/hierarchy doesn’t care about about actions they themselves or the more connected lay members do, but they’re more than okay with screwing over and/or abandoning the regular Joe Schmoe lay member like yours truly or the Covington Boys.
What shit?
I never understood that either. NO balls.
Because the Church is in a death spiral. They can’t afford to hemorrhage anyone.
Why excommunicate when a sternly-worded letter will do?
That’ll show the governor, I’ll tell you what.
Meh. As a Catholic, I like the response of love the sinner, hate the sin. However, the churches lack of condemnation that it is a sin upsets me. But then again people’s heads exploding from taking this same approach to GAYS!!! was met in this country with condemnation. So besides commie Pope, there are more factors at play. We are no longer allowed to be tolerant and accepting, we now have to be supportive.
(To be clear, you know me, what you do is your business, and I won’t force anything on you and I’ll accept you for who you are. We can be friends. But it really pisses some people off when you won’t condone what they do. I see my brothers’ non church marriages the same way, doesn’t mean I don’t love them, just means I think they might have made a wrong choice, I don’t blame them for that. My morals are my business.)
I’m not enough of a Catholic to actually know what gets the ban-hammer and what doesn’t. Is advocation enough? Or is one of the selectively-enforced things, like, well, most secular laws on the books?
I don’t actually know of many cases of excommunication for hundreds of years. It seems an archaic practice (one that probably should never have existed, but was made up for power grabs)
I don’t want to be some separatist nutter, but besides the learning of what’s in the bible the most important part to me is the tradition of the Mass, not the extravagance it took on in the middle ages. If I had a small group, a cult some might say, I’d go back to holding mass in around a table, and only focusing on the mass and not the pageantry.
I agree with your sentinment, CPRM. I for one would also not mind going back to the traditional, down-to-earth, and practical Mass than the theatrical sing-song ceremonies.
That’s a fragmented cult, can we meet half way, like in Portland? We’d be accepted there right? They’re ‘inclusive’.
I don’t think they’d take too kindly to people like us, but when has circumstances like that stopped Catholics anyways?
have*
EXT-DAY-PORTLAND
Two Catholic Priests exit the airport Terminal.
HIPSTER 1
What you doin in these here parts boys?!
HIPSTER 2
We don’t take kindly to your folk ’round here.
Oregon’s long tradition of anti-Papism continues!
CPRM is going full Mel Gibson!!!!
Also, fuck the table thing. Roman catacombs or gtfo.
I think most of recent e communications have been anti Vatican II-ers like the society of pius x (or whatever it is) and some other that have rejected the Pope’s authority/church procedure. Maybe some liberationists? I dunno. Many of those excommunicated have been reconciled since.
I mean, divorce was seen as more sinful than being gay for quite a while, and divorced people coild take communion again by taking some classes.
Wait until the gays start getting divorced.
?
But you don’t come here for religious philosophy, I know my audience.
“Why are the Catholic lawmakers supporting this shit not being excommunicated?”
I’d rather they take this up within the church itself and not make it a point of promotion/exploitation. I’d welcome a strongly-worded sermon denouncing the politician’s actions, but I’d be ashamed if the local diocese took to Twitter to do it. Politicians gonna politick, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
Best line:
Here ya go.
https://mobile.twitter.com/zerohedge/status/1091096289734000642
So boring to say this again, but you people really are impressive.
Thanks, Tonio. I was hoping for a new subject for my bad dreams.
What do you mean ‘You people’? My cousin is black and I’ll beat your white anglo ass!
Italian, not white.
He says with that misplaced dago pride.
WOP, motherfucker.
I apologize, my guinea friend.
Apology accepted, Kraut.
+1 Scene from True Romance.
Don’t marry the girl at the party that is sipping on her girl drink in her circle of girl friends.
Marry the girl that is downing shots of Jäger left and right and beating everyone at beer pong.
I promise you there won’t be a dull moment in the relationship if you pick her.
But you’re likely to die at the hands of her biker boyfriend.
Shitty advice, HM. I’m a little surprised.
I took it not that he’s giving advice, but rather laying the seeds for future messed up links.
I’m assuming you’ll be high enough on meth that you won’t feel it.
This FloridaMan concurs.
*challenge accepted!*
OK. OK, now, how do I do meth? Do I eat it? Suppository?
Crush into powder and sniff off a Thai ladyboy’s semi-erect penis.
HM, ever the traditionalist.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
Off of or out of?
Ah, yes.
Forgive my short-sightedness.
GONG XI FUCK CAI ???IT’S THE YEAR OF THE ? P I G ? You know what that means you qipao SLUTS ?? Its time to show AHGONG???????? and AHMA ??your PHATTEST mandarin oranges ??????And get some THICCC HONGBAOS ㊗️??‼️Get your love letters ?? ready for some of your 大哥’s BIG 肉干 ?????and get ready to be fucked ??? DOGGY STYLE ?? perform DOGGY STYLE ??? to get more HONGBAOS ???Send this to 8⃣8⃣ of your most SUPERSTITIOUS SLUTS ???? and get a sexy LION DANCE ???? this CNY‼️‼️‼️ If you get 0⃣-3⃣ of these back, you won’t get to enjoy any of that 大肉干 If you get 4⃣-7⃣ of these back ur 年年有 ???????? If you get more than 8⃣ back your flat chinese ass ???will be screaming HUAT AH tonight ♨️♨️??‼️
I want off of Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride.
Why? Sexy lion dance sounds pretty good…
Why?
Too bad, you watched the video, now pay the price!
Um, so no one else is stuck inside warming themselves with beer because they had to turn the thermostat down to 55 in the house not run out of fuel in this cold snap? Or maybe you all just have better things to do…
Does warming myself with vodka and diet Dew with the windows cracked because it’s gone up to 13 degrees and I don’t have a thermostat count?
You had me at Vodka.
pffftt…”fuel”. If your heating was electric, you wouldn’t need to worry about “fuel”, ’cause everyone knows electricity is like, from nature. And, nature is, like… all around us.
Man, C–you write comedy real good!
I thought Elon Musk makes electricity and he’s a genius billionaire so it’s free.
I hear it takes a lot of rare earth elements (and, of course, all the the mining that entails) to make those electric cars. And electric cars come into being by magic AND run in that magic electricity. Christ, it comes out of the walls. How hard can that be?
I know, right? It’s easy and it’s magic and it really shouldn’t be free. That’s only fair.
/typical prog on the verge of bankruptcy
Fuckin’-A, FOS. You and Chafed both get it.
SoCal got rain today so my commute was awful. Does that count?
I”m not much for writing ‘articles’ but one idea I’ve had is my Catholic libertarian idea if the right of removal instead of the right to abort. Not that anyone wants to hear policy ideas from an internet cartoonist.
One time I had a kid come over to my house and tell me that my house was small and boring. So then I told him that my house was small because I had an amazing secret basement full of games and toys that I never tell anyone about. This kid wanted to see it really badly at that point, so I told him to wait outside the basement door so I could get the games and toys ready for him. I took a bucket of glitter mixed in with super glue and set it up on the top of the basement door. I gave the kid the cue to come inside, and when he opened the door, I stabbed him.
But what games are in your basement?
I want to see the games!
Glitter in a stab wound………yeesh.
I thought you were all about ti-tays, man.
If OMWC and Agile Cyborg spawned….
O
M
G
Okay, it’s late. Been working all damned day and evening on a couple extra gigs I picked up. (“Gig economy”—that’s me.) Thus my eyeballs hurt. Can’t sleep. Don’t wanna work on my book. So I am here, y’all, my peeps.
@Rhywun, email me the file you’re trying to crack. moriah @ moriahjovan dot com.
Thanks Moj but it’s just a test, I don’t want to take your time with cracking the hundreds of books I have. I’m not in any hurry; I’ll figure it out eventually 🙂
Damn. Since it’s already dark, Raining Blood.
Okay, more positive music.
Dammit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTYq66Tx1GY
Huh, I fell down a youtube hole and found this, A few days back someone was asking who the obese guitarist with the OKLA knuckle tattoo is, I can’t remember who it was but this is him if they happen to see this.
It was straffinrun I believe.
Last!
Bested! Sucka
They closed my office today. Already awake and can’t go back to sleep. Oh well.
I hope you’re talking about your office being closed temporarily – like because of the snow or something. Although I myself wouldn’t be too upset if my workplace was shuttered and I had to find another job. But that’s just where I am right now.
No just for the weather. Got about 4 inches of snow. Was supposed to go in late today because I’m getting my mowers delivered after getting serviced. I’m not sure that is going to happen.
Either way, might as well start drinking. Make yourself an Irish coffee.
For the record, while I would love for my company to go out of business, the chances of that are — for all practical purposes, negligible.
Do you try to help it along in your day to day?
No, it would require a major change in humanity.
Did I or did I not call out the importance of the shoe beating last time???
*polishes “World’s Greatest Augur trophy*
I knew I was in for something good when I saw the Yellow Sign as the preview picture for this article.
I was not disappointed.
Great work Tonio!