“Hello?” I asked. Who would call me at 0538? I looked at the call ID and predictably it said, “BLOCKED NUMBER.”
”This Pratibha, with Swiss Corps Interational Industries. How you doing this morning?” He got a new secretary…from India?
”Fine, I guess. Can this be handled later? I mean its not exactly polite to call befo—“
“Mr. Swiss want you to get off you brown ass and wake the fuck up, you late for conference call.” Pratibha said, to my surprise.
”I didn’t make an appointment, and if I did, I wouldn’t make it before sunrise.” I replied.
”I not work for you. I work for Mr. Swiss. His only available appointment today is at 7am. It is not incumbent upon me to reschedule because you cannot adjust to time zone.”
”I don’t know if they explained to you how this sort of thing works in outsourcing school, both parties have to agree to a time.”
”Outsource? Huh huh huh huh.” Good lord that laugh was fake. “You hillarious. You fucking funny it only 7:41 am and you the thirrrrrd beaner to make that joke.” She replied. “I transfer you now. Next time save the wise cracks for somebody else you wall hopping, piece of monkey shit.”
I wasn’t even mad…
“MAGA, BITCH.”
“mex! You’re late!” Swiss yelled into the phone as he is wont to do.
”That’s some new secretary you got there. She always this pleasant?” I asked.
”Pratibha? Oh, yeah she’s the best. She’s allowed me to outsource my contempt. I save a ton of money this way.” Swiss replied.
”Right, so why the appointment before sunrise?”
”What? Its 0745 here. Sunrise was an hour ago.”
”Fine, what do you need?”
”Are you by a computer?” Swiss asked.
”Not really. Why?”
“I need you to setup something for me…”
As Swiss explained, his Swiss overlords saw an opportunity in the United States to set up a service in response to Elizabeth Warren’s plan to tax 2% of the net worth of people worth over $50 million, or 3% should they be effective enough to be worth over $1 billion. Because Warren is not the front-runner but certainly isn’t going away and quite frankly other thieves in the government seem to have latched on to the idea like the blood sucking leeches they are, they’ll probably take measures to keep high net worth individuals in the country. After all, they probably assume the Grand Cayman is going to sink if enough people store their money there, or more likely try to move there.
”I need you to set up the Kickstarter.” Swiss said.
”What? You work for a international corporation, why are you funding this via Kickstarter….you know what, nevermind. Fine, I’m on the site.” I conceded. There’s no point in arguing with these people after they send STEVE SMITH to kidnap your dog.
“Okay Swiss, what category?”
“Caregory? Business? Dumbass.” Swiss replied. I wasn’t sure if he knew what I meant.
”Okay, Art. Next question: ‘Describe what you’ll be creating.’”
”Service to shuttle high net worth individuals out of the country on a Cigarette Boat.” Swiss answered.
”A Cigarette Boat? Those aren’t exactly cheap.” I explained. “Not something people will fund on Kickstarter. Normally they fund these things with some kind of return.”
”mex, you ever try to out run the Coast Guard? It ain’t cheap.” Swiss asked.
”As a matter of fact, I have.”
”Really?”
”No.”
*narrowed gaze*
…
…
…
…
“What country is the account located?” I asked, breaking the silence.
”The Netherlands.”
”I thought you worked for a Swiss company.”
”I do.”
”Speaking of which, I’ve never done an article on a Dutch beer. You’ve been to the Netherlands. Are there any that are any good?” I asked.
”No.”
”None?”
”Nope.”
”Not even Oranjeboom?”
”Not unless you are a college student, homeless, or otherwise an alcoholic. The Belgians broke off and took all the good beer with them.”
”There’s gotta be one.”
”You think so? mex are you a betting man?”
”Possibly.”
”You will not be able to find a single Dutch beer worth reccomending. I will wager a Krugerrand, and trust me, we all know when you’re lying.”
”Fair enough, I will need the IBAN and SWIFT Code…wait, how is the account located in…you know what, nevermind.” I managed to answer the next few questions without his input. “Okay, its called Portland Boat Tours. The page can be found here.”
”Portland Boat Tours?” Swiss asked.
”Trust me. I worked for the federal government once, the last place they will look for anything, is Oregone.”
”That makes sense. This call is over.”
The first place I asked of course, was the Glibs. Somebody would have a good suggestion, right?
Perhaps not. I did get one that was serious (H/T Nephilium, naturally) but sadly I was unable to locate it locally. Others, still…seemed determined to make me fail.
I had to try any I could find.
Heineken?
No, thats still Dutch piss.
Grolsch?
Cool bottle, but ultimately the proper pronunciation sounded like the sound one makes while puking.
Finally, I thought I found one at Trader Joe’s:
It was light, crisp, balanced and had a pleasant finish. Sadly, that was before I read the fine print.
…and so it goes …
Comments
132 responses to “Portland Boat Tours”
In India, armpit fetish is a thing.
I am approximately 30% Indian.
The things I learn here.
Those are pretty nice armpits
Oregone? Dead to me.
Orygun?
OrgAn?
OReeGone?
OR Gone?
Or a gun?
I think I got them all.
I think the Eagles wrote a song about that.
I learned growing up, that the hillbilly way of saying things is the easiest way. It just rolls off the tongue and sounds like ‘organ’, like an internal organ, with no type of emphasis on any syllable. Syllables and especially ones with emphasis are hard.
As a young’n, I was a huge fan of southern rock. Now, the accent takes over all the time. Lotta folks accuse me of being from Texas. When I went to FLA, I felt at home.
There are good Dutch beers. Most aren’t available in America. La Trappe and products from Brouwerij De Molen are available in America. Zundert is supposed to come soon.
I notice the snippet from the earlier thread leaves off my mention of La Trappe. COLLUSION!
I don’t remember that thread and I see no link to the thread in the article.
Right here, boss.
https://glibertarians.com/2019/01/enslaving-yeast-all-grain-beer-part-3-water-and-yeast/#
Ahh, now I remember. Thanks. I even commented on the Dutch beer thread.
If I recall correctly, the correct glass for La Trappe is awesome. You can’t put it down until its empty.
I was thinking of a different one. Carry on.
Was this the glass you were thinking of?
Yes, indeed. I just got home and pulled it out* to update my comment.
*the glass, that is.
I’ve got one sitting on the basement bar, but I don’t think I’ve ever used it.
All of them are good, especially Heineken.
*narrows gaze*
I could have sworn I’ve gotten La Trappe at Giant Eagle.
This trans activist is nuts.
Pastor Ebakwo has the answer.
“Pastor Ebakwo | MARCH 14, 2018 AT 11:01 PM | REPLY
I pray people know the mind of God and the purpose of creating them. If God wants them to be bird He not make mistake to creat them as human. They all need Jesus to save and to deliver them .”
I mean, he might have a point.
Follow up story: Squirrel man finds Jesus, starts cult.
St. Alvin and the transspeciesists?
I get the feeling there have been more than a few rodents stuck in that man’s body.
Just sayin’
+1 Lemiwinks.
Lucky kids right there
Thank David Koresh that it’s a parody site….I think
https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/woman-accused-of-stealing-a-pumpkin-by-hiding-it-in-her-vagina/
I was going to complain that I cant make a judgement without a scale photo of the pumpkin, then I saw her photo and the caption for the security guy’s photo.
“The security guard who intercepted the pumpkin thief described the incident as “extremely disturbing” and the worst thing he’s seen since he started doing this job 13 years ago.”
I am good without the pumpkin’s mugshot. I would like to move on to something else now.
Unfortunately, it is parody. https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/elderly-couple-accidentally-burns-house-down-during-sex-game-involving-ww2-flamethrower/
At this point, if it doesn’t have a giant “Parody” blink tag, I’m taking it at face value.
An awful lot of their stories have to do with morgue/mortuary employees.
And women sticking things in their vaginas.
redundant link title
“Trans activist is nuts”
You repeat yourself.
Beautiful, Mex! One of your best.
Swiss should be nicer to you though.
Thank you. Last time I missed a payment he sent me a vial of white powder.
Jeebus. Swiss can be a real asshole. If he’s willing to treat a Mexican like that, imagine how he treats the Irish!
I have you a Dutch beer.
https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/531/
“gave”.
*narrows gaze*
Alright all, I’m off to lay in supplies to bring to a Superbowl party tomorrow. And by supplies, I mean beer.
In bad news, their crowler machine was down. So I had to just get a growler fill (which we had to defrost the frozen sanitizer out of) of the Super Juicy Juju. And here I was going to bring a crowler of root beer for the kids.
Just another bit a self-promotion — my first mead article goes up at 3 pm CST.
I’ll be back to take the abuse.
Sweet! I’m a masochistic dumbass. I didn’t want to do another IPA for my second batch of beer, so I went to the local brewshop and browsed the recipe rack.
“Sweet! Cream Ale. I like Cream Ale.” I gathered all the ingredients and headed home. That’s when I looked at the bottom half of the page at the instructions…
Fortunately, a one gallon batch will fit in my bar fridge, so I’ll be able to do the cold ferment with the required temp adjustments. It’ll just take me 5-6 weeks to make a gallon of beer.
This is what wine cellars are for.
My cellar is actually a wine cabinet in the garage, and it is quite full.
My garage is unheated, and got down to 21 degrees this week.
I had to get a small space heater and aim it at the wine cabinet because my garage will get down to 40. The space heater keeps the temp inside between 50-60.
So 4 real time.
I lived in the NL for three years. There are a dozen or so pilsners that are pretty similar to Heineken and a few middling Trappist bocks and such, but nothing spectacular there (at least twelve years back when I was there). The best of the pilsners was probably Brand, which is definitely decent. Also, the Heineken there is better than elsewhere because it comes in a brown bottle so it doesn’t get that skunky taste.
I liked Hertog Jan Bock. Brouwerij ‘t IJ is good too.
I lived a few blocks from Het Ij. Not bad stuff, but I wouldn’t put it on the top twenty brewery list if I just counted breweries in California. Awesome building tho (its an old windmill).
‘t Ij is good to OK. But if that is the best ya got…
The Belgians laugh.
Oudaen in Utrecht is really good too.
“it comes in a brown bottle so it doesn’t get that skunky taste.”
Ahh, the Heineken skunky taste. Maybe the longest running self perpetuating myth of all time. Not sure, maybe toad frogs giving you warts has been around longer? Maybe one of these days, you uppity tippy tops around here will give up on this HDS (Heineken derangement syndrome).
It is the same thing for every beer that is put into green bottles. The light damage gives it that taste. Trumer gets it, Steinlager gets it, they all do.
^This right here^
There’s a reason that cans are better than bottles.
Question. Does a 1 gallon batch need to ferment as long as a 5 gallon batch? I’m starting a batch of Cream Ale and this looks like a 5-6 week process.
It does. That’s why a lot of homebrewers go to larger batch sizes. It takes the same amount of time (barring bringing water up to temp) to be 10 gallons as 5 gallons. I’m assuming they gave you a Lager yeast? If so, look up Brulosophy’s fast lager method.
Safale-23.
Just looked it up, yep that’s a lager yeast. Here’s the faster lagering method.
And yet the Champagne of Beers does just fine in a clear bottle. I mean, it is the best tasting laxative on the market.
There is special UV blocking glass used in some of the clear bottles, and they use special hop extracts to minimize the skunking.
Mickey’s Big Mouth haz a sad.
I was down in Charlottesville, VA a couple of years ago and they had Mickey’s Big Mouth there in a grocery store. It was the first time I had seen it in maybe 20 years, so I grabbed a 6. I used to drink that stuff all the time back in my youth.
+ Little Kings. Road trip!
I remember a couple of horrific hangovers from Little Kings. Well, look how small those things are, can’t hurt to drink 60 of those, right?
We referred to them as the Green Grenades.
Mostly because of the shape and because back then “pulling the pin” could involve a serious laceration injury.
I laughed when I was in a local Giant Eagle, and they had the “New Product!” tag under a 12 pack of Little Kings.
I remember when I was in high school, spotting Little Kings in a devastating 1/2 gallon jug. Hijinx ensued. And vomiting.
“It is the same thing for every beer that is put into green bottles.”
I don’t ever run into that issue. Maybe the beer you’re buying has set on the shelf for too long? Last time I remember buying skunky beer was probably more than 30 years ago.
I miss Weinhard’s Blue Boar Ale in the green shorties. The cardboard box would have blocked any sunlight. Not that I cared back then. I also mix those boxes. Sturdy cardboard not the tissue paper used for beer these days. You could reuse those boxes for storage.
More like a self perpetuating truth.
Clear glass also damages beer, it just doesn’t produce that skunky taste.
Ya’ll tippy tops, your taste buds have been permanently damaged by overly hoppy bitter IPAs.
You can’t handle the hops!
I’d prefer some Steel Reserve 40 oz in a paper bag. Taste slightly better than IPA, but costs 20% as much.
120%?
…and that is how we learned why Hyperion drank 5 Steel Reserves in one sitting.
Same beer I recommended.
They used to sell Brand here in the States in a cool looking white bottle. I haven’t seen it in years tho.
Yep. The white bottle is what I remember.
Cute
https://youtu.be/hFae1BxoWoM
Had a crappy day at the range today. I tried a new grip, and now it looks like I’m dressing in blackthumb. Also, my groups went from being fairly circular to being diagonal ellipses. Lowest score ever on the Dot Torture drill. Blah.
Anything noteworthy about the grip’s difference from your usual grip?
The original one was basically letting my shooting hand do everything, and the support hand stabilize and apply some pressure to set the backstrap more firmly. Apparently this is a thing people used to do in the 1980s? It wound up with my index finger of the support hand on the front of the triggerguard. Today’s was placing the support thumb up on the slide in front of the takedown pin/under the ejection port (hence the black thumb)and the other support fingers directly on their shooting counterparts.
I will say that this grip seems more stable over time — with my original grip, my shooting hand would seem to stretch somewhere after 50-100 rounds to where I would feel gaps between my hand and the gun. This one seemed to feel the same at the beginning of shooting and at the end.
Proper grip is right up there with proper sight alignment. Having the round spring housing on my Kimber vs the straight housing completely changes my grip and makes a hell of a difference in my ability to shoot accurately.
I’m blaming being cross-dominant on my poor shooting. It has NOTHING to do with alack of practice. No sir.
Euphemism rating: 4 stars.
Bathurst 12 hour now livestreaming on youtube. What a spectacular race course.
You’re welcome.
Man, that takes me back. Not a big motor sport guy but Bathurst 500 (as it was then known) every year. Peter Brock.
Ummm. How much does this pay? Because if I can monetize my contempt, I see a bright future for myself.
Same here. Maybe we could go in together, get some kind of multiplier effect and up contempt exponentially.
*Recent conversation with wife regarding the moron Gov of VA.
Me – “We hear about this kind of shitty stunt about politicians all of the time. Really, do you know anyone in your life who has actually done this kind of shit?”
Her – “Yeah. Don’t you remember ________ ________?”
Me – “Oh yeah. I forgot about that guy. I never could figure out why he thought he would get away with that, or why anyone would even do that.” (He was a state employee who brazenly grabbed another female state employee’s breasts five seconds after they got on an elevator together.)
Her – ” Well, now you know what kinds of people go into politics.”
He can get away with it because he a state employee and he KNOWS it. As to why, well, he’s a shitbird.
He didn’t get away with it. He was fired. Her husband was a great huge ape of man and beat the shit out of the guy. The groper was going to sue but since the woman he grabbed was higher in the food chain than he was the suit just disappeared.
Well, damn, good to see he got what was coming.
Does LA not have unionized state employees?
Union membership is optional here. Union members are a fairly small minority. Care to guess which employees are the union members?
No need to guess.
All state employees here are unionized except for summer/temp hires. One section within Natural Resources was eliminated about 8 years ago and the people who lost their jobs were rehired in new positions based on seniority across state government regardless of qualification.
And they say the Republicans are the Fuck You Got Mine party.
As far as I could tell they voted 100% Dem. They are the useless and the shit stirrers. They were universally hated by everyone else.
Working at the prison gave me a closeup view of how government unions fuck up the whole picture. I was a contractor, so I was exempt from having to join.
People rack up a couple years of seniority, then proceed to slack off and do whatever they want (we had a nurse get in an argument with her boss and go on paid “stress leave” for about six months with the help of the union rep). Meanwhile, the hard-working, conscientious people get tired of always shouldering the load for the layabouts, so they either become lazy themselves or find a new job where their hard work is more appreciated. It’s horrible.
My policy is that unless I’m on the verge of starvation, I will never take a job that requires me to pay dues to the AFSCME, SEIU, or any other slimeball government union. Even after Janus vs. AFSCME, I would still be leery of it for fear of being ostracized and sabotaged by other employees who are mad that I won’t pay in.
Goddamn fucking Photoshop, I hate you so much…
I FUCKING HATE PHOTOSHOP!! YOU FUCKING SUCK SO MUCH!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Damn, not sure I was clear. I hate Photoshop. I really hate Photoshop.
I used to love photoshop…twenty years ago. I figured it was just a matter of time. You can only fix things that aren’t broken so many times before….
What is wrong with it?
Trying to add a layer. A damn layer. That’s all.
It used to be ‘add layer’ in one of the ‘layers’ menu options. Why in hell would anyone change that?
It’s there, I can’t get it to work.
Can you name anything made by Adobe that isn’t a pile of shit?
The PDF standard?
WTF did I just read?
Its how the magic happens, cowboy.
Fauxahontas ad right before a Razorfist video. He’s really trying to get the blood pressure boiling even before the ranting.
Another one! Chief Big Gov make loud noise and shake bitch stick.
I FUCKING HATE PHOTOSHOP!! YOU FUCKING SUCK SO MUCH!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!
*flashbacks*
#METOO
*sniffs*… brother…*sniffs*
Fauxahontas ad right before a Razorfist video.
More of that laser-focused smart internet advertising algorithming I hear so much about?
Ranked NCAA Div 1 basketball team held their opponents to 47 points … and lost by 23 points.
Set a record too.
shooting 16.7 percent from the field
Not a basketball fan, but I have to think that’s bad.
Go Hokies!
Good Dutch beer: Newcastle Brown Ale
It used to be an English beer, but since 2017 it’s been brewed by Heineken in Dutchland.
Huh.
So that is why it went down hill….
In a sack. drowning in some river, somewhere, I think
And if you listen to Fox News, you know what that’s supposed to be: socialism. The idea, as former New York mayor Michael R. Bloomberg put it, is that “radical redistribution” has inevitably killed Venezuela’s golden goose. If that were the case, though, why has a country such as, again, Saudi Arabia been able to spend a lot of its oil money on its people without suffering the same sort of fate? Or a country such as Denmark been able to raise taxes far above what Venezuela’s ever tried while still growing at a healthy clip? The answer, of course, is that socialism is not really to blame.
What has happened is that low oil prices have revealed the extent of the Venezuelan government’s mistakes, which had nothing to do with taxing the economy too much and everything to do with managing it too poorly. The simple story is that the government took over one sector of the economy after another — steel, mining, agriculture, to name a few — and got rid of people who were good at their jobs so they could bring in ones who were good at being loyal. This made production predictably crater, and things that used to be made at home suddenly needed to be bought from overseas.
Massive government takeover of the “means of production”? Pffft. That’s not socialism.
Them fellers at that thar WaPo are smert, and you can’t pull the wool over their eyes.
I hope that’s the stupidest thing I read today.
C’mon, you know that’s unlikely.
Possibly. Yet the WaPo will still live to publish tomorrow.
What I like is people in the comments linking Chavez’s and Maduro’s firing of experts and replacing them with cronies to Trump. They say Trump is doing the same thing.
Did I mention how much I hate Photoshop? Because I fucking hate Photoshop. I’m about ready to restart GIMP.
Late to the party but… There are plenty craft beer places in Dutchland. I distinctly remember commenting on some links a year ago from the field….
HA found it
https://glibertarians.com/2017/11/thursday-morning-links-36/#comment-339704